A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I was in an abusive marriage for a long time and started an affair with someone I'd been attracted to for a while. This person was a good friend to me and also a confidante. Very quickly my husband and I separated and are going through an acrimonious divorce. My friend and I continued things in secret when we could, until I told him I wasn't happy with this situation. He persuaded me to try again and agreed to go public. Before the date he told me he thought it would be best if we pulled back from the physical relationship whilst I was going through the divorce. His view is that we should do things right and the stress I'll encounter during this process will destroy what we feel for each other. He talks of a future when things are resolved, says he misses me and just today sent me flowers. He's been through a divorce himself and says he's talking from experience. He also says he wants to be there for me and this doesn't mean his feelings for me have changed. I'm so confused. Any advice on moving forward would be really appreciated.
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (14 April 2013):
 Hi
He has agreed to go public, yet he wants to step back till the divorce is over, be a friend rather than your lover, so I don't get why he didn't mind everyone knowing.
Perhaps he doesn't want people knowing you two have been having an *affair*,that he might get blamed for the marriage breakdown. When one person moves on fast before a divorce is over it's generally assumed that they had the next partner lined up so wanted a divorce to be free.He may not want to be seen as a homewrecker or risk your husband coming after him.
You are coming out of an abusive marriage so the divorce will take it's toll on you in a huge way,you will be stressed to the max,you need to focus on that,on getting through it.Your lover knows the toll it takes.
You need support from friends and family now,your lover is there waiting in the background.If you want to settle how he feels,see if he will wait and not date others, just ask him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2013): You need to ask him if he intends to wait for you as you intend to wait for him. Explain to him that you will not be having a physical relationship with anyone else and that you also expect him to remain celibate for you while you wait for the end of your divorce proceedings.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (14 April 2013):
 I accept your reason for an affair and understand your friend pulling back due to previously experiencing the process of a divorce. (Once is enough in anyone’s books!?)Even though he wishes to remain supportive, (I struggle with him withdrawing the physical aspect…) Granted, divorce stress does change the dynamics of any person going though it; it’s straight after the death of a loved one. So he perhaps knows how best to preserve both your sanity and or relationship?On the other hand, if this is a polite way of backing out, only time will tell. Meanwhile accept that he is partially right in that; the stress you'll encounter during this process will destroy. But it doesn’t have to destroy the feeling for each other… Here you move on by finalising the business end of the marriage, compartmentalise the past and start a new as it were, with your friend.Take Care – CAA
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