A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay so I need some opinions. I was in an extremely verbally and emotionally abusive relationship ( he was the abuser) with my ex husband of almost 7 years. I finally realized what was happening and that he could not change so in July we made the divorce final. We were together for almost 10 years total. Needless to say it was an extremely hard choice and I am still grieving over all of it. Not so much over my ex although I do occasionally miss him and the good times ( even though they were few and far between) I moved 2 hours away and started a new job after the divorce. My plan was to stay single for a year before dating. Me and a co-worker my age became pretty good friends. But he had a gf so we just chit chatted at work and kept it at that. Didn't exchange numbers or anything. When my birthday rolled around in September a bunch of co-workers (him included) planned to meet me at a local pub to celebrate. Anyways long story short most of them change. Plans and it ended up being me, him and his gf, I talked with his gf and texted on my phone mostly. I was trying to be careful not to be too friendly to him and give his gf the wrong impression. I am not the type to go for someone else's guy. Apparently his gf had jealousy issues ( not to be big headed or rude but she is 5'4" and a little heavier. I am 6' 1" and very fit and toned. I work hard to keep in shape.) and my co-worker is 6' 6". I guess she freaked out on him and it wasn't the first time so after 6 years of being together they broke up. Me and my co-worker (let's call him J for ease) continued to be just friends and talked about our relationships with eachother exs and how our ex's were similar. We did go out to dinner a couple times with other friends and stayed after just talking. It is so extremely easy to talk with him and we communicate so well. I guess it was just natural that we started progressing into a romantic relationship after a couple months. Everything with us just clicks. From communication to opinions, to everything sexual. He is honestly the most caring, accepting man I have ever met in my life. Now after two months of dating I am moving in with him. He already has told me he would like me to be in his life forever and he wants a future with me. I helped me ex on and off with his business and J trusts me completely and doesn't have jealousy issues. He always gives me compliments and will stay up all night talking with me if I am having any kind of problems. He does the dishes and opens the car door for me, he helps me out in anyway I need. I trust him completely but I have all this fear for a future with someone because of my ex. I have been through all this and am so scared of marriage. He isn't in a rush and if we ever got married it wouldn't be anytime soon. He has never been married though and my doubts about a future are so hard on him emotionally. He is already committed and completely emotionally there and I still don't know how I feel. He is a good looking guy, not my "dream" guy but the connection we have and the commitment and communication we have is just so unreal. I can talk to him about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING and he is kind and gentle and doesn't get upset or offended... We just talk it out. We have some similar interests and hobbies and we also have very different interests and hobbies but both of us just want eachother to be happy. Is this a once in a lifetime thing? He is amazing, I'm young though. I feel like I would never find someone else so accepting and caring as he is. How do I get rid of my fear of a future? It's so crazy, even when we lay down on the couch together our heart beats are in sync... Not to sound totally corny but it's scary how much everything just clicks and is so extremely easy for us. Opinions please
View related questions:
at work, broke up, co-worker, divorce, emotionally abusive, jealous, my ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 December 2016):
 If it is so extremely easy then why make it hard? Look everything is new for you both and I think you are looking way to far in to the future. A relationship is always at its best at the start. But all you need is time to trust him and see that he is not like your ex. So just give yourself time.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 December 2016):
 I get what you mean by the two kinds of love, hot and mellow. It's good that it isn't burning too hot, but even so, love makes blind.
I would wait with moving. Stay as you are for at least 6 months. If he's serious, then the offer to live together will still be there at 6 months too.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2016): I'm the Original poster:Thank you all, I was worried about falling into another abusive relationship as well. The guy I hung out with after my ex was definitely the type to be charming and then show his true colors later. I never ended up dating him or sleeping with him thank goodness, I guess I just got a bad feeling in my gut about him and followed my instincts. However J doesn't give me any bad feelings. He has not ever lived with anyone before and won't let me pay rent. He wants me to focus on paying off the small amount of debt I have from when my ex and I were married. J has no debt. We have seen eachother angry, sad, crying, happy etc. with both of us just breaking up with our abusive Ex's we both have had our fair share of emotions. We have been pretty much living together for the last month although I am still renting my place too. We are totally comfortable with one another and he's seen me with bed head, no makeup and in raggy, big sweatpants and still tells me I am the most beautiful girl he's seen. He could be a big talker but I just don't feel he is that type of guy. He has fixed up both of my vehicles for me, helped me move, done favors with no complaints or expectations that I do anything for him because of it. He feels bad when I cook for him. He says he just isn't used to someone else caring and appreciates all I do for him. It may be very soon to move in together but I guess I don't feel like it's rushing anything. And this love I have for him isn't a hot, passionate, lustful type love. It's just a warm, comfy, trusting, mellow kind of love. If that makes any sense. Don't get me wrong what goes on behind closed doors is pretty awesome but it's definitely not what the relationship is about at all. still I'm not sure if there are any warning signs I am over looking??
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (10 December 2016):
 You need to realize the clown you married way back when was an idiot and not all guys are abusers. In fact most are mellow and loving. Put the past in the rear view mirror and focus on the future
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 December 2016):
 Chigirl is right. Everybody is Mr. Perfect two months in a new relationship. Not that he necessarily cannot be an once in a lifetime find... but you have no way to assess it after a couple of months of dating.
Slow down. Don't move in with him yet. Know him much better and let him know you much better. 2 months and he already says that he want you forever ?? How does he know, since he barely knows you yet ?
This is very romantic but reckless and syperficial. If he is in good faith.
If he is not totally in good faith- I don't mean, he wants to screw you over, simply that he is mixing practical considerations of convenience to his romantic attraction- It may also very well be, as Chigirl suggested, that he needs someone to share living expenses , and / or that he is so used to live with a woman , which makes his life easier under many aspects, that he is just eager for a replacement and not too finicky about who she is.
Time will tell. No need to put the cart before the horses. Not accepting heavy committments like living together after , basically, barely a bunch of dates is not " being afraid of committment " , it's being smart and showing common sense.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (10 December 2016):
 Go at a pace you're comfortable with but as anonymous stated it's really unfair to penalise J because of how your ex treated you. Don't start to sabotage your relationship because you're scared of long term commitment.
If he's done nothing wrong and is treating you right then give him the benefit of the doubt. You owe it to yourself to let someone look after you after having to deal with an asshole in the past, so please don't let your present and future suffer because of it.
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (10 December 2016):
" J trusts me completely and doesn't have jealousy issues. He always gives me compliments and will stay up all night talking with me if I am having any kind of problems. "
Of course he does, he's just been dating you for two months. He's still on best behaviour!
Do not move in with him. That is my advice, and I mean it. Two months of dating is NOT enough time to know who he truly is, and you and him having been friends prior to dating doesn't matter. Friends aren't as close as lovers, and in the first period of dating you ONLY SHOW YOUR GOOD SIDES to one another. Two months in, no one has had a real argument yet or actually revealled their bad sides.
Just remember your ex husband. I bet he was a real charm two months in as well! Really, woman. If you are going to learn one thing from your past relationship, it is that you need to let people reveal their true colours before you go jumping in with head and heart, never mind putting yourself financially at another persons whim.
If you move in with him, and things go bad, you will have no where to go. You've been through this once before, do not put yourself in that situation again where you get stuck.
You talk about being afraid of committment, and that he wants to take things slow, yet here you are after two months and moving in together. That's the opposite of taking it slow and being afraid of commitment.
What you are showing is a healthy response to things moving waaaaaaay to fast. Your brain is saying STOP, but you're so deeply in love and your heart just thinks of how you and him beat in sync etc, and imagine all sorts of lovey dovey things. But listen to your brain here. When a man talks of marriage after only two months, and want to move in after only two months, he's not for real. He doesn't know you after two months. He's chasing a dream, or he's just telling you what he thinks you want to hear.
My abusive ex was also talking about marriage and moving in together after just a few months. The minute I moved in with him he showed me his true colours, because then he figured he had me stuck. But after every lie, every screaming at me, every time he threatened me, he would always be soooo apologetic afterwards and be mister perfect and mister ladies dream. Yeah, he knew exactly how to act like the man of my dreams. And so does your new guy.
Maybe he's for real. But maybe he's not. Once you've been in an abusive relationship, you have a much higher chance of entering a new one, because your system for catching the warning signs has been wacked and messed up. But here is a warning sign for you in plain writing: two months is too soon to move in with him. It needs to be at least 6 months, in your case maybe even a year, before you head in that direction.
Also, warning sign number two: he talks of marriage and says he's 100% committed after just two months. He doesn't know you after two months, and if he thinks he does he's either stupid or manipulative. Love makes you a bit stupid though, so I'm not judging him permanently, but the fact that he's rushing this is a warning sign. After 6 years with his ex gf, and now he wants to live together and talks of marriage after two months... It sounds a lot like a rebound and him telling himself a fantasy story.
Easy come, easy go. Just remember that. Take this slow and figure out his true intentions before you uproot yourself, lose your home (by living with him) and make yourself financially dependent on him (which you will be by moving in with him).
BTW, did his ex by chance live with him, and now since she moved out he wants you to move in to help pay rent? Don't discard it as a real possibility. Get to know him better before you invest too much in this, especially when it comes to financial investments.
And you didn't mention it, but do NOT lend him money. Do not agree to help him buy things. Do not add money into this mix before you are dead sure of his intentions. And you can only be sure after having been with him for a significant amount of time. Do not mix money until your are married!
An abuser will want to trap you down both physically and financially and mentally. This is done by swooning you so you are madly in love (mentally trapped) and by having you move in with him (physically trapped) and by having you co-sign various loans/have you pay mortgage on his house, or otherwise tap into your finances (financially trapped). Be cautious.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (9 December 2016):
 He sounds perfect but I'll still say, give time for the relationship to mature. Meanwhile, as hard as it might be, try not to let your past overshadow your future. Don't make J pay for the fact that you had a bad marriage and are still insecure. If he's doing everything for you and isn't giving you any reasons to doubt him, then you shouldn't. However, give it time before you commit to marriage and enjoy dating him for now. Get to know each other better, cherish the time that you get to spend with each other, do things that healthy, happy couples do.
Just one thing that I'd like to point out though, if possible then try to not have anything to do with your ex husband, including helping him with his business. You have no kids so it makes it even easier to cut away. You're divorced and there's really no need to keep any contacts with him. The reason I'm saying this is, so that the new guy never feels threatened by the presence of your ex and also, the ex doesn't try to play dirty if he senses that somethings there with you and J.
...............................
|
