A
female
age
36-40,
*onfusedgirl187
writes:29 F dating 29 M for approximately 1.5 years. My relationship has been rocky from the start. My boyfriend has always pushed the limit with flirting with girls or talking about them. Last month he texted a girl to send him pictures while on a guys trip. I was ready to leave. My boyfriend agreed that he pushed the limit too far and would grow up. I don't know if I want to continue with this relationship. He is overly critical about the weirdest stuff [cleaning dishes, me cooking, the shoes I wear when going for a walk . He really only wants to have sex on his schedule and will say he is tired when I initiate. He doesn't give many kisses, and he only gives quick pecks. He finds many excuses to not cuddle. I want to talk about how our relationship is doing but he wont, saying that people don't talk about relationships. It is like he isn't willing to do something he does not want to do, even though it would make me happy (whether I request it or not). When I push a topic, I feel like he punishes me and purposely doesn't do it. He says I need to play it cool, but I don't want to play games. I don't know if I am naïve, expecting too much or he is just way off. I am beginning to feel like a roommate or a good friend. We do have a lot in common and enjoy our time when he is in a mood to be loving. Things are so good when they are good. But when they are not, I feel alone in the relationship.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 December 2016):
 Rocky from the start is never good. Sounds like he cares more about himself than he does you. Which is never great in a relationship. End it before it gets worse and he gets more controlling. Because he is beginning to show signs off controlling and abusive behavior.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (10 December 2016):
 The obvious is too obvious. This moron is snot the perfect soulmate you desire or deserve. A man should never have to promise he'll grow up and behave. He sounds like an immature teenager.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2016): The spoiler-alert was that the relationship was rocky from the start; and you've only been together a year and a half.
It hasn't gotten better, only worse.
How bad does it have to get before you feel it's not working, and you need to leave?
He pushes the envelope, because you hung-on in spite of the fact the relationship is "rocky." He complains and insults you; because you tolerate it, in order to keep him. He's hoping you'll get tired and just go-away. He'll act as though it would bother him if you did, but inside he'd be greatly relieved. He knows you'll be tough to breakup with, so he's making life miserable. For now, he has a live-in housekeeper and cook. That's a convenience.
When you bicker too much in a relationship; and your partner is unaffectionate; it means you're incompatible.
So you leave when you see things going downhill. You both have to work at it, not just you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2016): HiThere are a couple of signs in your post indicating that he is abusive.An abusive man will rarely respond when you initiate sex. He will never let you call the shots on anything in your relationship. YOU don't get to decide when sex takes place. As you say, when you push a topic, he punishes you. He is training you NOT to stand your ground, NOT to stand up for yourself OR what you want. This 'relationship' is ALL about him.The criticising.....as you say it's about weird things. It means nothing, he's not criticising you for a real reason, it's just a way of bringing you down, making you unsure and wary. He wants you to lose your confidence. Abusive men are often the best company around when they want to be. But when they decide it's time you received some abuse (and yes, it's as calculated as that), they are the very opposite. It probably feels as if you are living with a 'Jekyll and Hyde' character, never knowing which one you're going to get. This is on purpose too. He wants you to be off balance, by being amazing and lovely and loving etc etc but it's not real. The nice times are part of the abuse too, sorry to say.Please read up on abuse. All kinds, physical, mental, emotional and sexual. You will find your boyfriend's behaviour in these books. Then you will have a much better idea what it is you're up against. You must be questioning a lot about his behaviour already, to be on this site. Please believe me when I say it will not get better and will VERY likely get worse. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 December 2016):
 I agree with Cindy, you should have left already.
Yes, he is pushing his limits with you - but only so far that YOU feel like you can't "dump" him over them because he "apologizes" like a flipping 4-year-old who stole cookies from the cookie jar. HE isn't 4 he is 29.
You say it has been rocky from the start, which means YOU have been the glue to hold it together YET you are constantly dismissed and criticized. Doesn't sound like you and your feelings are important to him. He just likes to have a GF who will DO what he wants.
I think it's time for YOU to move on. If he grows up, good on him, but you shouldn't HAVE to stay in a crappy relationship waiting for him to do so.
Let him do his OWN dishes and cooking, while you move out and take stock of what you want and what you DO NOT want in a partner, WHILE being single. Why settle for this HALF-ASS BF when you can definitely do better.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (10 December 2016):
 He is self-centred and is unlikely to change. Ever. He will only do things on his terms, whether this makes you unhappy or not. In fairness, a lot of blokes are not good at talking about relationships, so that is something I think you may have to accept. However, the rest of the stuff? He is doing more than pushing boundaries; he is taking the p*ss. If you want to spend the rest of your life like you are doing now, then fine, stay in the relationship. Be under no illusions that he will change. If you think - as I do - that you deserve better, cut and run.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 December 2016):
 Well, maybe he IS actually not willing to do what he does not want to do, even if it is something that would make you happy.
Because for him his happiness is way more important than yours, so if you can get along with his program, and take advantage of what he is willing to do and give WHEN he is willing to do it and give it, perfect, you are also going to have some excellent times- but if making you happy means he must change or sacrifice something, then no , forget about it.
Actually there are a lot of people self- centered like that. And a lot of relationships which go on , if not blissfully, at least serenely, because there is one of the partners who is more easy going and willing to be routinely the one who curbs expectations and demands.
Should you be one of these persons ?
I'd say , no you should not.
If it were only for the lack of physical affection, I'd say probabaly yes. Some people just are not very tactile or very demonstrative, and although this may be painful for a sensitive, affectionate partner- one can be an excellent , reliable partner or spouse also without being touchy-feely.
The problem is, that he does not sound like an excellent reliable partner. ... The pics thing ? For real ?
He asked a girl to send him pics, - I guess he did not ask her to see her pics, say, as a bridesmaid at her sister's wedding, right ?... I suppose he asked for nude pics, to use as ... we all can imagine how.
And he gets away with " I pushed the limits too far ? " I'd say !- and you were ready to leave . But you did not. My opinion is, you should have left. This is a major transgression,IMO, which could perhaps be forgiven to a guy who is otherwise a very caring, very compatible boyfriend. But since he is not....
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (10 December 2016):
 I think you should leave - it's not clear why you've stayed, as you don't mention love and it's been rocky since the beginning. That's not a healthy or successful relationship.
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