A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:A christmas cracker: Is it ever 'right' to break your marriage vows? I still love my wife, but I don't fully understand why I feel these feelings for my mistress. I know it's wrong, but why does it feel so right?My lover paid me so much attention, so much passion. I want my wife to be more like Her; more like she used to be (many, many years ago). I know I'm damaging everyone, but I can't stop these feelings of 'last chance' and distortion into 'love' for my Lover.My wife is no longer interested in me; can I supplement my urges?Having my cake (with extra cream!) and eating it too. Yeah, when I'm feeling sane, I know the cake has a bitter after-taste and not nourishing. It, sure as hell, ain't healthy!So, Dear Cupids, is an affair ever justified? Or do you propose to suffer in silence for the rest of this mortal life? Be stoic and bitter? Moral and miserable?And the extra, essential ingredient: what about my kids? I want to live here with them and help them grow. If my wife is resigning me to a 'supporting role' without the sexual wanting, do I sacrifice or supplement? Silence or sin?What if I could make a life with my mistress? Make her happy? Or have I damned myself: ever faithless, never to be trusted?A xmas cracker: a fantastic bang but leaving a nasty smell and a disappointing surprise.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question[UPDATE] Here's my journey guided by my Dear Cupids this festive: (search the DearCupid question list for...)
1. How not to lose your mistress?
2. Is an affair ever justified?
3. How to kill the love?
4. Resolution Number 1 Equals The End of The Affair?
Hoping for a happier new year!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): It's nice to see a light bulb has gone off in your head :) You say your not sure how to start...1st don't put pressure on yourself. A simple sentence can be the beginning. "I love the way you...." or bringing up a good memory between you 2. It's the little sparks that bring on the burning desire.
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A
female
reader, 48years  +, writes (28 December 2008):
 Who betrayed whom here? Betrayals exist within every relationship. The wife betrays the husband by withdrawing or withholding, the husband betrays the wife by having an affair.Which betrayal weighs more?The affair is a temporary bandage on a salted wound. It is unstable and yet, many people (eg: Prince Charles) marry their mistresses and are happy despite the clamor from the general public. Happiness has a price to be paid, however. We are not here to be happy-God doesn't tell us that he wants us to be happy-happiness is not a sin, but the pursuit of it can be a sinful journey.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 December 2008):
 Well, you are on the right track at least. So do you plan on telling your wife about the affair?
Having an affair is selfish. And stupid. It's like pissing your pants in winter & frost to get warm. It might give you a warm feeling a second or too after that..
Don't forget your wife is still her - there might be things that you love dearly about her and don't seem to get from her, but don't forget there are things she loved getting from you, that you don't give back either.
There is nothing wrong in telling your wife that you miss this or that from her. You need to open up and have a good talk.
If you decide not to tell her, then you need to really evaluate yourself and your actions. An affair is a premeditated action, it's not an :"oups I fell and landed with my *bleep* inside someone beside my wife".
My husband contemplated cheating and had an emotional affair which I stumbled upon, totally by accident. It took me close to 2 years to deal with it. I was ready to pack my bag and grab the kids. I don't think I have ever felt to betrayed and stupid. We worked thru it together ONLY because he was willing to do whatever it took to work on us, to work on the marriage. It took me another year to get past it, to forgive. I can not forget it. But I will not waste MY life looking back. I would say I'm the happiest I have even been in my marriage and that is saying a lot. I still don't trust him any further then I can throw him, and he knows and understand that, but again we are working on it together. I don't snoop or ask question. He knows what he was so close to loosing.
I wish you good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): People get hurt with affairs, there is no excuse. A mistress is a cheat, 'once a cheat always a cheat' take a long look at your wife, what if she did this to YOU?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"Most people tip toe through life only to make it safely to death” Or in my case: Too busy tripping over my own shoe-laces.
Yes, Ariel, communication with an open heart is the only answer. Or, at least, it's the start for looking for answers.
But how ironic (aka punishment?)! I opened my heart to my Lover (with a clear 'understanding' clause) and look where it's got me: She's no longer even emailing me!
I realise that what I 'love' about my Lover is actually what I want/had from my beautiful wife. Christ, mixed up or what? I want to talk, but I'm struck dumb by hurt experience & fear. I know my affair will never solve my problems (hell, it's creating more than the simple, illicit orgasm can hope to satisfy!). I have to end it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually, I do not think an affair is ever justified & that includes myself. Too much damage to everyone concerned.
I agree that I need to re-evaluate my life & wants. Unfortunately that takes strength and courage, which are very low in my quota at the moment.
Path of least resistance.
I'm very adept at deluding myself. Cheating on everyone and myself. When I'm thinking straight, I realise this; when the fog descends, then my thoughts turn selfish and desperate. I know I'm an arseh0le.
Thanks for your advice, guys. You are given my support which I crave in order to straighten myself out.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 December 2008):
No and maybe you haven't thought if it this way, you are cheating yourself.
All the things you crave from your wife, but seemingly get from the mistress - do you give those back to your wife? You full attention ? You passion? No, you give it to the mistress. It's easy enough for her (the mistress) to give you what you want, she doesn't have a marriage to work on, just superficial ego stroking.
I can't tell you what to do, but you ought to shit or get of the pot. Screwing around on your wife is damaging your wife and your marriage. Talk to her, be honest, maybe she doesn't want you any more either. Maybe she WANTS to share the passion with you.
Cheating is a sad excuse for not telling your partner what you really want from them.
If you left your wife and started a life with your mistress how long do you think it would take for her to become "the wife"? and for you to look elsewhere for attention and passion? Or for your mistress to find another married man? She obviously don't want a fully committed relationship that requires real work and effort.
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A
female
reader, 48years +, writes (25 December 2008):
Morally, affairs are not justified in our culture-in others, yes. I would add that sometimes, an affair just happens. The feelings are real but our culture jeers at them. The grief is real, again, our current culture leers and says you deserve this pain. There is little sympathy for those trying to recover from an affair. Marrieds whose lovers have left for someone more available feel a lot of pain. Those watching are quick to negate and condemn...
I guess it's like putting your hand back on the hot stove. You're gonna get burned...but it feels good for a little while.
Best course of action is to let it (the affair) go and live in the future, not the past. Build something rather than slide into something...not easy,,,good luck!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 December 2008):
 I think I'm not qualified to answer this question, as I have never been married, and then others have given you great advice. My half a cent: you don't have to "suffer in silence for the rest of this mortal life". That's what divorce is for.
I do know that the situation you two are facing will produce problems. I think the cheating is one of them. It's time you think long and hard and decide what you will do. Cheating will only help you relieve your stress and your needs, but it just can't be the solution.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): A man is as good as his word. Self control doesn't make you miserable, it strengthen you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): I think you're wanting us to 'talk' you out of this affair and get back to a real marriage. Why does a husband have an affair? One reason is- it's the easy way out of confronting your wife(honey, we need to talk) and taking steps to make your marriage alive. Anything worth having takes Effort, and don't you love the look on your wifes face when you've taken the time to show her she's the most important person in your life? Believe me, the rewards far outweigh a cheap affair. It can be something simple because that's the way to our heart. If she's stressed and tired, there are ways to work around it...for instance, I asked my husband to wait until I fell asleep to start something, because then I was totally relaxed. Every couple is different, but there's alot of HOPE when you both tell your needs in a non-threatening way. Open your eyes and really Look at your family...do you really want to lose them? Take the 40 day challenge (from the Fireproof movie) it may bring your love for your wife and marriage to a new level you've never experienced before...
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (24 December 2008):
 I don't think affairs are ever good choices. I understand your feelings though. It sounds like a bit of a mid life crisis.
I've a little like you without the affair part. We start to feel a little bit down and get that last chance feeling you mentioned. The truth is that it is not really the last chance. It is a new opportunity in this part of your life for new things to explore with your wife.
This next part is where I can understand some of your dilemma. Some men have higher sex drive than their wives. Frequency is not an issue. Enthusiasm is though. Some men get the feeling that if they didn't knock on their wife's door, she wouldn't knock on theirs either. This leaves a man feeling like he has to beg for sex. It also leaves him feeling less manly than he'd like.
So what does a person do in that situation? I'm not sure. The person with the lower sex drive doesn't really feel the need. After all, they're satisfied. It's like trying to get someone excited about going out for dinner when they're not hungry. You want them to share the feeling and anticipation of going to a great restaurant with you but they already ate.
Understanding is key. The person with the high sex drive really values sex. It is part of what defines them. The person with the lower sex drive is not as interested and doesn't feel the attachment in the same way. I guess there needs to be a compromise. The person who desires more sex has to understand the other is not as interested and stop being offended by it and the other person needs to step up their game. They need to discover ways to be turned on desire sex. After all it's a good thing. Effort on both parts may help. Write me in private.
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A
female
reader, MT19 +, writes (24 December 2008):
An Affair is never justified. I agree with Dr Vendetta you need to start thinking with your head. This is not fair to your wife have you tried to talk to her see what she thinks whether your marriage still has a chance? I doubt it pluck up the courage and face things head on whatever happens your wife needs all the information so she can make an informed decision. You may even find marriage counceling will help. As for could you make a life with your mistress? There is a saying'When you marry your mistress you create a vacancy!'
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A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (24 December 2008):
 "I still love my wife, but I don't fully understand why I feel these feelings for my mistress"technically those whole mumbo-jumbo wedding vows used to mean something. not that i personally care for marrie as.. well being on dearcupid this long has taught me weddings, marriage. vows and rings is basicly an excuse for everyone to get dressed up and drunk in a suit.Truth be told and everyones gonna say this "If you loved your wife you woulnd't have cheated"your "last chance" ego trip is looking more and more like a mid life crisis. theres a reason a mistress is called a mistress and not a wife or a lover.Sex is not the be all and end all of life.i think you need to take a step back and start thinking with your head and not your dick.
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