A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I'm in a very confusing dilemma with my boyfriend at the moment, and I'm afraid to talk to my friends about it because if we do stay together, I don't want them to think badly of him.My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship for a year now. We live about three hours apart from each other so we spend at least every second weekend together.In the last few months I noticed unusual activity on his facebook account, conversations with a girl he had never mentioned to me, with all kinds of injokes. There was flirting going on so I asked him about it, and explained how it looked and felt to me, when I saw these messages. He accepted that and he offered to delete her as he doesn't know her that well at all.That was all fine until I did a bad thing this weekend. He left his email open and I went on to see if he was communicating with this girl through email. I didn't find anything ti do with her, but I did read messages that had been sent to an ex girlfriend of his.These messages had been sent five months into our relationship. She is from a different country and was visiting his city. From what I gather he invited her to stay with him in his one bedroom apartment, he also said that he'd love to take her out to dinner. As some of the communication seems to have been done by phonecalls, because in the next email she said that it wouldn't be a good idea for them to meet as she still cares about him and thinks he's cute. In a follow on email, she changes her mind and says that she will meet him for dinner.The most hurtful mail was the one from my boyfriend to her after they had met. He said that he was glad that they got to meet for a short time in the afternoon, and that the reason he wasn't sure if they should meet was that he wasn't sure how he would react to seeing her and he didn't want to be tempted. He also said that seeing as she has a new boyfriend that wouldn't have happened anyway...I'm so hurt. There was mention, no thought of me. He is basically saying to her that if she hadn't refused to sleep with him because she has a boyfriend, they would have done it. I feel like I'm a poor second choice. I asked him casually if he has seen her since they broke up and he lied to me and said he hadn't. In the same tones he tells me he adores me and wants us to spend our lives together. What do I believe? Will he always have the capacity to wander? I adore him, and have always been honest and truthful with him.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (15 October 2012):
 It is possible that he wasn't all that serious about you early on when this happened. It's possible that when he is serious he won't want the attention of other women anymore. BUT the problem is he is a liar. In the beginning of one of my relationships I didn't feel much for him and we didn't get along really well, I didn't think he even cared. So I went to lunch with another guy. Something I would never do if it was serious and someone I cared about. Differences between this and your scenario- we had been together for only a few weeks, it was noticeably not working between us, I told him when I got back from the lunch that I went out with a guy I knew. We broke up shortly after. I can understand not being really serious and doing something like that.
However I think someone who is able to do this to you and hide it then lie about it, regardless of how serious he felt, says a lot about his character... I didn't even like the person I was in a relationship with very much but I still had the decency to tell him what was going on. Your boyfriend STILL has not owned up to it. So not only did he do it in the first place and feel no remorse, he STILL doesn't feel remorse or guilt to inform the woman he "loves" that this happened. You asked him if he has seen her and he flat out lied to you. Cheating or not cheating, whatever, he is still lying to you. Who knows what else he could've done. He obviously can't ever be trusted.
It is possible I think that someone could change from wanting female attention if they become more serious. But he hasn't changed because he is still lying, so as serious as you want him to be and think he is now, he is still lying about his ex NOW when things are supposed to be better. And he was just getting attention from another female a little while ago. I think you are definitely giving him excuses because you love him and you want to believe him. It's understandable for sure, I've been there. But you need to think logically, look at the facts and actions- not just his words. Sure he may want to move in with you, but does that make him less of a liar? Do you think men who live with their girlfriends/wives means they aren't cheaters and liars? Far from it.
Now if you try to continue this anyway, I don't agree with this, but I will say what should happen for you going forward. Ask him If he has ever lied to you. Tell him you feel this relationship is getting very, very serious and before you move in together you want everything to be out on the table. That he means a lot to you and you want complete honesty in a relationship. He will say no, most likely, and ask him again "are you sure?" If he says no again I really think you have your answer for how serious he is about you... Then you can go ahead and drop the bomb on him about the email and watch him scurry to fix it and take back what he said. Or he will do the common "You looked through my emails?!?" and turn it around to be mad at you. If this happens DO NOT feel bad. They are typical lying cheating responses. If you want to deal with this then go ahead. But it's a long, difficult road to get trust back after this, if it ever can be earned back. I never did and I wasted a lot of time on a doomed relationship.
A
male
reader, Hennessy1989 +, writes (15 October 2012):
 I would say its just as bad, If you want to make a go of this relationship then you need to talk to him about it, just because of the way he was acting in the emails doesn't mean 100% he would of cheated, but it's still wrong What he did, 1 things for sure your relationship can't go forward with this hanging over you, you deserve better
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2012): Hi there, I'm the original poster. Thank you so much for you reply. The advice you give is all really spot on, without trust we are both wasting our time.I think he does look for female attention, as a younger guy he was not very attractive or confident. His career now makes him a much better catch for girls who look for that kind of thing.I'm not sure if I trust myself anymore to know where to draw the line and I'm not sure if I'm making excuses for him, but in the last three months or so our relationship has become much more serious than it was seven months ago. We were always (in my mind anyhow) exclusive, but emotionally and physically we are much closer now then we were then. Is it possible that his behaviour could change now that our relationship has become much deeper? He will be moving back to my city by next Summer and has already said that he would like to move in with me. Am I just deluding myself though? And setting myself up for a life of being walked on?I really appreciate your opinions x
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (15 October 2012):
 It does n`t make any difference whether he cheated or almost cheated. By everything you have said, it does not look like he can be trusted. He "wanted" to cheat on you.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (15 October 2012):
 What he has been doing to you is emotional cheating, and this is just as bad, if not worse, than physical cheating. Often people find it easier to forgive their partner for a drunken one night stand, as it meant nothing.
However forming a connection with a new person online, regardless of whether they met up or not, could be seen as worse than a random one night stand because he was taking the time to get to know her, flirt with her, chat to her....all behind your back. He was allowing her to develop feelings for him, and he was allowing himself to develop feelings for her. He did delete her off Facebook and it is clear he has left her in the past, so I guess if it was just a one-time mistake then that would be forgiveable.
Instead he has abused your trust AGAIN, going behind your back with a different girl, this time his ex, someone who he loved in the past and had a very close relationship with. So here is emotional affair round 2 - this time made even worse by the fact he has met up with her and declared his intention to sleep with her, and it was only because she turned him down that it didnt happen. At least this girl has some sort of respect for her boyfriend, she didnt want to cheat on him - whereas your boyfriend was more than happy to cheat on you and lie about it.
This man CANNOT be trusted and you are wasting your time with him. Meeting up with an ex behind your current partner's back is pretty shocking and that would be enough to end a lot of relationships, but the fact that he wanted to sleep with her and only didnt go ahead because the ex didnt want to shows his complete and utter lack of respect and care for you.
Actions speak louder than words I'm afraid, and all of his words to you are just lies. He cannot 'adore' you if he wants to have sex with his ex and flirt with other women online - if you adore someone you love them, respect them and could never do anything to hurt that person. Instead he willingly hurts you behind your back, and he thinks he is getting away with it because he is a good liar and you are in a LDR so you will never know.
Perhaps if you lived closer to each other and saw each other more frequently then maybe you could try and salvage this relationship. But as long as you are in a LDR you are never going to trust him because you simply wont know what he is up to, who he is talking to and who he is meeting up with. You have only been together a year, which is a very short amount of time and should be the honeymoon phase - yet he has already gone behind your back twice.
Relationships shouldnt be this hard so early on, the first year should be a fun filled year where you only have eyes for each other. Ok so the LDR makes it harder, but even still it shouldnt be this difficult for him to stay faithful. I dont think he is capable of being trustworthy or faithful, he is a liar who is clearly addicted to female attention and because you are in the LDR situation, he will never be able to be truly faithful to you.
I think you are best cutting your losses now, the trust has gone and because this relationship is so new, it is not worth the heartache trying to rebuild the trust.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, justaguy71  +, writes (15 October 2012):
Its a really really tough one isn't it? Its not good him lying about it, I guess a lot of girls would not hesitate in calling him out for lying to you, its not good in the way he lied either. It would have been nice if he had mentioned you too.
I don't know, if its a long distance thing, you are just going to be worried about him cheating on you all the time and not telling you. I guess the best thing to do would be to sit down and have a deep and meaningful chat with him and work out if its worth it or not. Good luck with it, you sound like a nice girl!
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