A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I m in my early 40swith a grown child. I own a small business for many years now and did well for myself. I m not rich by any means, but deffinitely independent.All I m missing is love in my life. I m in good shape, considered to be above average pretty woman, but for the past few years I HARDLY can find someone even for sex. Its not that I m terribly picky, but all the guys that ask me out are either much older, or when age appropriate are dumpy looking, or too short, or too fat, or just nothing to talk about with.I had a boyfriend 4 years ago, that I really liked. He was almost everything I needed. I wanted to be monogamous, but he Insisted on having open relationship. At first I thought , o, well we both grownups, this is just the way he is, let's try. Well, I couldn't handle it. It was just not for me. See, him I liked very much.Now after every bad date I think of him, and what passion we had. There is no turning back, but since him I can't meet anyone even remotely close to me liking a guy.Yesterday I had one of those dates. I met this guy at the wine tasting, not that I liked him that much, its just the way he talked made me think, that he could be a dating material. After few minutes I said to myself, o, my god I made a terrible mistake, that's going to be a long night. I cut it short by complaining on headache, and thankfully an hour later I was in my car going home.I m loosing any interest in guys whatsoever. Sex became a rare find. To say the truth the last time it happened with this really cute and smart guy who was 10 years younger in a hotel abroad when I traveled. But that was exactly a year ago. Him I liked very much. He was fun to talk to, not terribly handsome but sweet, gentleman too.My girlfriends can't believe that me being so pretty, can't find anyone even for sex sometimes. And I really don't mind doing just that, but even for this I need someone that I like. I tried dating sites for a short time. O, that was real bad. I just couldn't do it. I had to spend hours on computer filtering guys out, didn't have one single good date out of it.I meet guys basically everywhere I go, bar, hanging out with my friends, I have few hobbies but it mostly women oriented. I talk to lots of guys constantly but for a few years now it doesn't seem to work for me. Do you think it's because I m getting older, and this is what I ll be dealing with dumpy looking guys who can't have an intellegent conversation, or is it just me being incredibly unlucky? I m kind of loosing hope, and enthusiasm also. I noticed that now I kind of anticipate my date to be boring and exhausting. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (17 October 2012):
 I am not sure where you are looking for dates, but generally there are plenty of attractive men out there. While the pool of men is a bit less at our age and many of the men who are available may have issues, but there are plenty of gems to be found.
If you are consistently finding dumpy men, why not join a gym? Guys that take care of themselves can often be found there and in some gyms, it is very easy to find dates and meet people. Have you considered training for a running race? There are also many, health minded, single men that are single and available.
Also, you may not find your "Brad Pitt" very easily. For many men, age treats them well, while others get bald, a little pudgy or grow hair in odd places. I think you'll have to forgive some imperfections... we aren't 20 year-olds anymore.
Again, keep your options open and eventually the right man will come along. Consider joining dating sites, so that you can profile men and talk to them via e-mail before having to invest time in them and be sure you put yourself out there. Enlist your friends to help you out and clue you in to available men without a lot of baggage. Avoid the losers. Also, don't be afraid to ask men out... it's a new era for women and many men would prefer if women took the lead in initiating romance.
The dating / single world is never easy -- at any age, so cut yourself some slack and remain positive. The problem isn't you -- it's just difficult to meet someone you click with. That's been an age old problem and from the sounds of it, you aren't any different from the rest of us.
Eddie
A
female
reader, Maderi +, writes (16 October 2012):
Well, they don't make replacement people in our own age groups..... When I was dating about 12 years ago, and beginning my 40's, I found the same thing. Seems that many guys in my "peer" group were - well - they turned into my parents or something. Guys talk about women letting themselves go, heya! You guys are doing it too. I ended up with a man a decade younger. Though that can be tough as well, it seems that some major differences can come into play when there are more than five or so years difference.I think the one thing that I noticed the most from dating sites - guys would stress that they wanted an independent woman. They did not. They wanted a woman that could pay her own way and were bitter because they had to pay what they felt was unfair when they got divorced. So they wanted someone that was financially able to take care of themselves, which I can understand, but that's not what I consider being independent. Then there was the issue of children. I was done with having children and no way I was going to want any more, nor did I feel like playing stepmom. I just dated a LOT for a few years. I actually had a lot of fun, but was honest in not accepting anything less than what I really wanted when it came to keeping any of them around. I made a few good friends. I eventually met my husband, and well, except for my recent stupid pitiful behaviour, I cannot complain. You sound like you are an assertive woman, and men are just not always comfortable with that. Keep looking and don't settle for less than what you want. Perfection is of course a dream, and compromise comes into play, but don't be who you are not just for another person.
...............................
A
female
reader, demeplev +, writes (16 October 2012):
 hmmm no I dont believe its your age...I agree with justaguy71..if you think you wont find someone..you wont..positive affirmations. Im in the same age pool and found an abundance of men, maybe i didnt like alot of them or vice versa but there is definetly no shortage from my perspective so maybe you just dont go with an open mind? maybe somehow deep down your pickier than you think and have expectations that you dont know you had...i found if you dont expect much except a good time on dates somehow a spark will find you with someone...goodluck.
...............................
A
female
reader, malvern  +, writes (15 October 2012):
 It's a nightmare out there. I know so many single, attractive women in the 40 plus age group who say exactly the same thing. I was one of them until 3 years ago when I finally met somebody worth meeting. We met on a dating website but you really have to separate the wheat from the chaff and keep persevering. Ballroom dancing and French Jive is a good place to meet people and in the north west of england there are a lot of places where most of the people who attend are singles. It depends where you live. Also, walking groups are good for meeting people. The thing about both of these activities is that you get to know people gradually. I know many people who have met their partners this way and I have had the opportunity of getting married in the past (though for me the feelings weren't there enough). So tread carefully, be fussy, don't get too anxious, and keep in with your female friends and one day you may just meet somebody nice because there are some nice men out there, you just have to find them.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (15 October 2012):
 The older you get, it doesn't matter how good you look, the pool of suitable dateable men gets smaller and smaller.
You are in that pool with much younger women who older guys have the option to date, so they have the pick and women do not.
Women of a certain age have to weigh up how much they want a relationship with how much they are prepared to compromise.
If yu just happen o be one of those women who has a fixed idea of the guy she wants to be with then the search is even harder...and I think that's your problem...
You are seraching for Mr Right in a very small pool and the only way to maximise that search is to maybe give guys more of a chance that booting them out on the first hurdle.
I can understand your feelings of dissapointment even before you have gone on a date, but maybe just get to know them a little better before you even decide to meet for the first time, ask for pics and if you do have a date, just go for the fun of it and not as the chore of finding a partner/lover.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2012): I m not sure that I made myself clear when I said sex. It's not that I want a one nite stand, I d rather not. I don't go on dates with that idea in mind to have a one nite stand. InI a certain circumstances I wouldn't mind it if I m just passing by, but I m looking for a relationship where I live.What I meant when I said I cant find anyone if only just for sex, is that for the past year noone asks me out that I like remotely close to even have just sex. It's not that I m looking for it, absolutely not. I will never do dating sites again, it's too depressing for me, and also I had an impression that men that go there is like my ex, looking for multiple sex partners. I m sure not all of them, but the ones I ve met sounded like that to me
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2012): I'm so far from being hung up with my ex. The reason is that I remember him after each bad date is that he was my last passion that lasted until his proposition that I couldn't live with. That's two different things, being hung up on someone and remembering a person.
I don't like anyone I ve met so far not because I compare them to my last boyfriend, but because I don't like them for how they act or look, mostly on how they act.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (15 October 2012):
 It sounds to me like you are still hung up on your ex. Have you thought about seeing a therapist to help get past him?
...............................
A
male
reader, justaguy71  +, writes (15 October 2012):
Its probably the case that you don't think you will meet anyone attractive, so therefore you don't. There are so many dating sites, just keep trying and dont chat to anyone unless you like their picture. Maybe try going somewhere else to meet them. Where would your guy work? Just keep trying anyway and try a different dating site, its sounds ridiculous that you cant find a one night stand!
...............................
|
