A
female
age
30-35,
*onfused56
writes:I've been with my boyfriend since I was 14. I am 20 now. We have a 3 year old son and have been living together for 4 years now. The other day he accidently left his computer signed onto a porn site. I do not have a problem with him looking at porn, guys have needs and interests, we all know this. What bugged me was that it was a live webcam chat site that he has paid over $70 for a single woman once (has done it multiple times with other woman too the lowest amount $30)to chat live with who will only show you things if you personally ask in real time. I am deeply hurt by this because I consider it a form of cheating. Am I right to be upset or is this something I should just let slide because it is normal?
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male
reader, LessonsLearned  +, writes (9 October 2009):
You married a young man. There are faults built in to every man his age. The fact he was strong enough to own up to what he did and apologize speaks to his character. He was not given to you perfect. You will make him better by sticking to what you know is right, and confronting him on what you know is wrong.
Now because you have a little innocent child that deserves a family, your going to have to grow and make a sacrifice yourself. You have to learn forgiveness. You'll never forget what he did but you need to acknowledge that he learned from his mistake and work to put it behind you. There are other couples that worked past a spouse cheating with a real human who they actually loved. Your situation is not that bad.
Your pain is real. Your anger justified. But, you and your chid deserve to learn that forgiveness can heal all wounds given time. It can pay dividends for many many years if you do. Your child deserves it. You deserve it.
A
female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (5 October 2009):
 It is very good that you stayed calm and very good that you and he have talked about it. He now knows your feelings and now knows if this is done again he is doing it at the risk of the relationship.
He has apologised and seems like you are trying to forgive him, but your imagination is getting the better of you and eating at you. This isn't a healthy thing to be doing as it is not really forgiving the other person. I know some people will say you dont need to forgive him, but the truth of the fact is that its just as much for you as it is for him if you want the relationship to continue. By all means make him regain your trust if you feel he has broken it, but dont hang it over his head. Thoug you seem to be a calm and intellegent person I think you know this already.
Time heals many a wound, but my advise to you is when those images of him talking to that other woman crop up into your head, ask yourself if that was the worst he could have done to you? Would you say you would be this willing and calm if he say kissed another woman? Touched another woman? Had sex with another woman? Would you be this willing forgive to keep the relationship if it was those cases presented to you?
Sometimes asking other bigger questions help to put things into perspective for you. It works, I find, for all problems.
Good Luck
HonningKanin
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009): So,I talked to him last night in a calm manner as not to scare him off from having a conversation about it. I told him how I feel and he said yes he knows its wrong and thinks its cheating too but did it anyway and feels bad. He said on his own terms that it wouldn't happen again and apologized. I am trying to be ok with it for the sake of our relationship but its proving to be a little bit difficult because I can't get the image out of my head of him talking to someone else like that.
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A
female
reader, HonningKanin +, writes (4 October 2009):
On first reading this, my first immediate thought was no. I went to my husband and also ask what he though about it and we both agreed no. It wasn't. But this is for us as a couple. We have drawn that line in the sand. To me and to him this is pretty much like a peep show or going into a strip bar and telling the girl to take off her clothes. You are not actually getting to know the girl there is no sexual contact between you and her, she is slightly removed as a person and this is the girls job(her job being to sexually cause stimulation) for which she gets paid. Just like porn.
See this is one of the things you have to actually talk to your partner about. You cant really assume they know where the line is and what you consider to be the line. At the very least he should have talked to you first. He may very well see this as just interactive porn. The girl is responding to him and his requests where in she is getting paid for it. There is no sex involved and he may well believe that this innocent as he pressumably told you about all of his expendatures.
If this was my husband, I wouldn't be threatened. I wouldn't personally consider this cheating and as long as he doesn't make this a money draining and financially dibilitating habit, he can do as he pleases. We pretty much have made it clear that we are exclusive in the sense that we dont want eachother to have other sexual partners. However we have no issue with us seeking and experiencing visual stimulation(even I look a porn). If you are uncomfortable with this form of visual stimulation you need to tell him so he knows to stop. Once you have set up that boundry and he crosses it agian I think that is only when you could fairly say he cheated.
HonningKanin
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (4 October 2009):
 This is cheating plain and simple.
God only knows what the hell else he is doing.
while you are at it, if you are having unprotected sex with him, see a doctor. For all you know he is cruising craigs list or Ashley Madison.
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A
male
reader, LessonsLearned +, writes (4 October 2009):
Hell yes! You've got a kid! That's money that should be going to the baby. This is why kids should not make their first relationships turn into marriages. Men his age can hardly be trusted to care for a fern let alone a wife and kid. Yes, it's a form of cheating. You need to confront him on it, pronto.
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A
female
reader, confused56 +, writes (4 October 2009):
confused56 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the input. Its very much appreciated.
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A
female
reader, sunnycomet +, writes (4 October 2009):
 I agree with Old Guy, this is cheating!
How you want to confront this is your choice but where he has done this in the past then you should consider ending it.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, HereForYou  +, writes (4 October 2009):
 no you have a right to be upset and angry as its one thing watching porn but paying for it and interacting with women on webcam is bang out of order. You should confront him about this straight away and tell him how you feel
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009): I agree that it crosses a line, but I'm not sure that it's THE line... These women are more like strippers in a titty-bar. All they want is his money, and for 3 or 4 min's they'll tell him anything he wants to hear to get it. In a bar, they're right there, and there's some (not usually much) contact. On the web, he's paying to see things the girls in the bar aren't supposed to show... but they're not in the same room...
SO, yes, he's taken this a step away from looking at photos, reading erotica, or watching videos.
I'm be more upset about the cost... sounds expensive.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009): I'm usually the last person here to have an issue with porn, but I see this as being in a different league. It's a ton of money, and he's interacting real-time with a real girl. IMHO it does cross a line. I think you're right to be upset.
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