A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:After 12 years of marriage, I lost my wife to an unexpected heart attack 9 months ago. It has been hard and I'm not sure what I want to do. I recently ran into a lady I worked with at one time while shopping and she offered her condolences. I've known her for over 20 years. She was married when we first met, but she's now divorced and her kids have moved out.My home was close by and she was thinking of selling her house and wanted to see where I lived. At my house, we caught up on things as we hadn't seen each other in a long time. She told me of her wanting to find someone new, but it was hard at our age and she's tried all sorts of things without success.We talked about what me missed about our marriages and of course, sex came up. Because of her bad dating experiences since the divorce, she couldn't find anyone she wanted to be with so she hadn't had sex in a long time. I hadn't even attempted to find someone else yet so it was the same for me. We both felt sad and gave each other a hug and then I joked about her finding a friend with benefits. She didn't quite understand what I meant, and I told her it was a friend you have sex with no expectations of commitment. We talked about it more and she told me it would have to be someone she felt wouldn't be just using her.We looked into each others' eyes, kissed and went back to my master bedroom and you can guess the rest. Since then, we text and meet regularly for sex. We are good friends and we talk about a lot of things together, sometimes we even go out to dinner or shopping together but mostly, we just go to each others' homes for a little fun. She even told me I'm better in bed then her ex-husband was.My question is such an arrangement sustainable? She is a wonderful person, someone I like spending time with and talking with, but I don't know if I could be married to or in a relationship with her. In other words, she is a good friend and great in bed. Can we keep this going for a long time? I like the arrangement and would like to keep it as it is. Any thoughts?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 March 2017):
 I do hate to burst your bubble, but this lady is going to end up falling hard for you. It is clear she is lonely and has accepted your offer. If it was casual then it is using each other for sex, but honestly I think in time she will want more and develop more feelings.
A
female
reader, malvern  +, writes (8 March 2017):
 It's pretty certain this lady will consider herself to be in a relationship with you even though you don't see it as a relationship yourself. It's early days for you but she's been on her own for a while and I'm sure she will be very excited about this relationship she has with you. Although you may not think it you are actually very lucky to have met somebody with whom you are so compatible. There isn't an army of compatible women out there waiting for you should anything go wrong between the two of you, in fact there are all sorts of pitfalls when we are all older. I am sure you will have read many stories in the press of new partners 'after the money' etc etc and we all have to be so careful. Please don't fall into the trap of 'this one will do until I find something better' because so often people never manage to find anything better. Having lost your wife fairly recently the timing isn't really right for you unfortunately but life never really works out perfectly for any of us does it? Have a happy time with this lady, treat her with the respect she deserves because what else are you looking for? Friends with benefits relationships can only go on for so long before one partner becomes dissatisfied.... and I suspect it will be her. Would you then want to start all over again looking for somebody else? It can be quite a fruitless task and I know many people who've been on their own for years and years until they become quite lonely. Would you then choose to be on your own? Somebody once said "Stick with the one that loves you" and I think that's quite a good way of looking at it. She may not love you yet but you never know what may develop in the future.
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A
female
reader, Campari Milano +, writes (6 March 2017):
The key phrase is 'It would have to be with someone she felt wasn't just using her'That is exactly what friends with benefits is: friends using each other for sex.You aren't doing friends with benefits. You are going to dinner, and shopping, and talking. Becoming closer and closer. You are dating, whether or not either of you realise it. I bet you even cuddle and spend the night at each others houses!Which is all well and good, if you are on the same page. Just like any form of relationship, FWB only works if you are honest with each other. If you saw her on a date with another, would you care? Would it bother you? Ask her the same question.I have rescued a lot of my friendships by asking the right questions, and nipping these things in the bud before people get hurt.Good luck xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2017): From my experience, fwb relationships always have an expiration date. it could be tomorrow, a week from today, or a year from now. someone is going to catch feelings and is going to want more. it may seem like a good idea now because the sex is amazing but are you willing to risk the friendship for something that is going to be short term . i know you said that she is an amazing friend so you have a lot to lose when the fwb relationship goes sour.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 March 2017):
 I'm sorry for your loss.
It can work, but like Youcannotbeserious said, it ONLY works as long as BOTH of you want it. If one of you decide they want more, you either adapt or end it.
I kind of understand why you both are OK with this (for now) it means you can get some of your needs fulfilled but you are still wholly unattached. It might even feel more "safe" than finding a partner and building a NEW long term relationship.
While I think FWB is usually a cop-out, I get it with your recent loss and her recent divorce. As long as you are both on the same page, enjoy it, I'd say.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (4 March 2017):
 If you are both happy with the arrangement, then you are not hurting anyone. The only problem with these FWB arrangements is that, sooner or later, one person usually wants more from the relationship.
In my view, life is too short not to grab what comfort and happiness you can. For the time being you are supporting each other and providing each other with comfort. Who knows what the future will bring. I say cross that bridge when you come to it. Just be honest with each other.
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