A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone,So this basically is a question to ask your view on the situation I am in right now, I am a 23 year old woman and my partner of 17 months is a 26 year old man, the past few weeks we have discussed having a child, please do not think that I just want a baby to either solidify my relationship, because I may view it as a novelty or because of any other reason apart from the fact that I would absolutely love to be a mother and he would love to be a father and we love each other so much that we want to start a family together and shower our baby with all the love we possibly can, the only thing is I don't know if 17 months is enough time to be thinking of something like this, don't get me wrong our relationship is solid and we really do adore each other, I just would be interested to see your opinion on whether you think we are rushing into this or not?(Please note that this is not a decision we are taking lightly)Thank you
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female
reader, queenadelaide +, writes (25 April 2013):
I respect your moral beliefs about marriage.
But on a practical level, it provides more rights and protection for everyone involved legally speaking.
You have a committed relationship and you presumably want the best for the baby. Why not give them that security of having parents who are legally related? In the event of any emergencies or whatever you will be able to make decisions on each other's behalf etc.
Marriage does not guarantee commitment. But it adds security for the commitment that you already have.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2013): Marriage never survived ony because a child was born. Suggestions of first getting married are superficial as now people live together for such a long time before they get married, that it makes no sense for them anymore.
The fact that you know each other for 17 months: I knew my husband for 10 month before we got married, and we live together now for 28 years. And I was even younger than you. All situations are different. My daughter stayed with someone for 6 years, traveled the world, thought she did all before a kid was born, education, and all the joy of life, and after they got married and the baby was 8 month sold they divorced.
I guess you never know, don't ask anyone anymore, it's pointless, do what you feel would be the best for you
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A
male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (24 March 2013):
 well, i've already stated what i think about wanting kids (or NOT wanting them). but i think you should only start a family if you are at least 99% sure you want something like this. there are absolutely no guarantees that it will work out the way you want. you might have a kid that you end up not liking. or you might have a kid and then realize you've suddenly lost some of your freedom. better to be safe than sorry. delay it until you are one hundred percent sure. ciao
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): If you have to ask OP then yeah it's probably too early.
OP you went to great lengths there to tell us not to judge you for wanting a baby for superficial reasons but that's exactly what you do. Love is not a good reason to have a kid OP, love to be a parent, love each other, shower in love etc.
OP love is a given, not a reason. You say nothing of practical reasons whatsoever. My sisters 17 year old friend got pregnant for the same reasons, love alone. Now she's a single mother at 18 and has nothing financial set up, she lives on benefits to fight the father for custody.
My point is OP a child isn't fed with love, love isn't going to pay the costs, if you're not living together then doing so for the first time with a screaming shit machine that allows you no sleep, constant worry about it getting sick, not being able to leave it for one second, figuring out which one of you will stay at home or will both of you work, maybe even a dash of Postnatal depression and your love is not going to be enough.
Look kids are born all the time for a million different reasons but personally I want my life to be such that I'm ready for a child and not just my love. For me it's living together a long while, having all my travelling and stuff done and my career set up and going well, being ready for a solid 18 year commitment of solely dedicating all my life to giving a kid the best life possible.
If love is all you have as your reason I'm afraid for me that wouldn't be enough, do you really feel ready in all aspects of your life for a child? Do you even care about the practical side or complete loss of freedom and independence?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): For the whole length of humanity women gave birth in their twenties, the most fertile age. I had my daughter when I was 22, and my husband was 28, it was only 26 years ago. Now 20 something people call themselves kids. How are they kids, I don't get it. Womens' fertile age is very short. Many women start having problems with getting pregnant after 35. I don't think your age is early to have kids, especially if you feel you are ready. By this age you are probably done with college, both of you and have jobs. Lots of things need to be taken into consideration, that's true, but that will be a discussion at any age. I m not sure that marriage is that important at the emotional level, but it's definitely worth to consider legal issues.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (23 March 2013):
 HI
If I could turn back the clock I would of had my children at the time when right ie married / house/ then baby.... but I was young and foolish. I had the kids, then got my own place then got married.....I think it is VERY much too soon. Your still learning new things about eachother,a baby is for life !!! once your pregnant thats it ...its no longer YOUR life any more and as your still relatively new in this relationship there is NO gaurantee it will last...just thinkk very very carefully before you do something silly please :(
Mandy x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): "we love each other so much that we want to start a family together"The best way for you and boyfriend to start a family together is to first become legally related to each other by getting married and establishing a household together before you even start thinking about having children. "you don't need to be married to be committed to each other what is a marriage going to do? Prove it to the world?"No, it will prove to your children that you planned on building a rock-solid family life by laying the foundation for their futures long before you even conceived them. If you two aren't ready or willing or able to make a lifetime commitment to each other, then how can you possibly think you can follow through on a lifetime commitment to co-parent a child when either of you are free to walk away from the other without so much as a moment's notice?"you don't always need to be married to have children"That's exactly the problem. Any random ejaculating male and any random ovulating female can hook up at any random moment and conceive a child, as any random day's worth of Dear Cupid postings from woefully unprepared train-wreck breeders cluelessly subjecting their innocent helpless spawn to silently enduring hellish childhoods can sadly attest. Every child should be born to married parents who are stable and secure in their own relationship and therefore able to provide a happy, loving, nurturing, stable, secure home; nothing better to lay the seeds for a child's sense of permanence and grounding. That's the way my late parents did it, and I am eternally grateful. They worked and planned throughout their young adult lives so when they time came when they were ready to have children, we were a luxury and not a burden.
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A
male
reader, LivingWithBadDecisions +, writes (23 March 2013):
 you know youre committed now but havent you seen the number of people with problems on here because their "committed" partners walked away but they were sure they wouldnt because they said so but wouldnt get married?
Cooper
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A
male
reader, LivingWithBadDecisions +, writes (23 March 2013):
if you wouldnt be able ot get married first then i think having a baby is a bad idea. its not because im old fashioned but its too easy to walk away if there isnt a binding commitment in place that gives you more to think about before leaving each other.
Cooper
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 March 2013):
 I'm very old school... babies should have MARRIED parents.
why aren't you considering marriage before the baby?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): It's never too early to fantasize about anything. When I was i my 20s, it passed my mind all the time and sometimes it came up in conversation in the first 12 months with a partner. It was fun to thinking about...so long as it remained hypothetical and not a pregnancy scare.
I don't think questioning the timing of your pregnancy fantasy in this relationship matters much, but I think timing your pregnancy is a whole lot more important. It's a conversation for you and him. Can you two support a kid right now? Who would leave work or whose family could babysit if you chose to work?
It's also a life changing decision for you. I'm not going to tell you have to be married first. It would be great if he could show you a solid commitment first, but the way marriages go these days you should acknowledge there's a good chance he might not be with you forever. Knowing all that, are you ready to have and support a kid solo should it happen? The way most law systems work, this kid will be yours forever, but probably not be the fathers if he or you decides to leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): Just to update we don't want marriage and everything but no offence you don't always need to be married to have children and you don't need to be married to be committed to each other what is a marriage going to do? Prove it to the world? We already know that we are.
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