A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:well, heres the thing when i was 14 i lost my virginity to rape. i kissed him first and willingly chose to be alone with him so i feel like i lead him on partially and am not entirely blameless in the situation. but then he did it to my friend. she wasn't my friend at the time just an aquantence and after telling each other we became friends. the worst thing is it is now 3 years later and i know for a fact he has done it to atleast 2 other people. this somewhat makes me feel less like it was my fault but so far as im aware im the only one who didnt try to fight him off. i thought if i did that he would hurt me. does this make it not rape? i said no to him i honestly did several times. in the end i made my phone make a noise and pretended someone was ringing me. i suppose i just want to know what people think? im too scared to go to the police and nobody else ever has. he was 18 when it happened and it positively kills me to see him walking down the street. is their any way i can make a confidential report to the police? and after 3 years is it too long? i doubt id be able to do it even if their was. but it kills me to see him, not to mention knowing what hes doing to other people. i suppose i just want some advice?or people in a similar situation.
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male
reader, wisernow  +, writes (23 August 2010):
You have an obligation to his future victims to do something.... and its not too late.
Get together with one or more of his other victims and together either go to the police .... or contact your local rape victim center.
By the way; you were raped.
Do it now.
A
female
reader, AgonyAuntJ +, writes (18 August 2010):
 It is perfectly understandable that you feel this way, and always remember that you are not a bad person for keeping it to yourself.
But also remember that there are little steps you can take in finding out whether it might be worth it or not, before you actually take the guy to court. So perhaps it is worth just talking to someone. There are numbers you can call where you can speak to someone anonymously about the situation youre in, there are even websites for sexual abuse/rape victims, for example, http://www.pandys.org/
There will also be local organisations around your area, if you look for them, where you can go in and find information about the law on this. Whether you would have a case or not, for example. Just go to your local information centre and ask if you could be directed somewhere.
And in terms of worrying about dragging up the past for your friends, the truth is that they probably, deep down, want to have this guy put away as well. They were used just like you, and probably feel sick to the stomach seeing him around as well.
Your friend being semi conscious is STILL RAPE. Unless she gave consent, which im gathering she didnt, then he has UNCONSENTED sex with her, too. Again, thats rape.
And with your mother, although it could bring up some upsetting memories, you are her daughter and she will want to help and support you in any way possible. She has had her experience, thats her past. This is yours. She wont hold it against you.
If you really dont want to report it then it doesnt make you wrong, or a bad person. It is still, at the end of the day, your personal choice as to whether you want to keep it private or not. Just remember there are so many different ways in which you can be supported. It might be worth giving that website a look at, too.
- AAJ.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): Talk to the rape crisis centre http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbut the thing is right, with the other girls 1 was really drunk and throwing up into a toilet and he walked in and fucked her and she didnt do or say anything she was quite literally semi conscious. and the other is my friend who said she fought him off but both of these were over 2 years ago, im just not sure if it would be wise of helpful for me or for them to drag up the past after weve all moved on, if i knew someone it had happened to recently i would go to the police and with them, but i dont really know i suppose im just too scared really. im being selfish and a coward i know, the thing is a fair few people know but not my family and i dont want to do it to them.
my mum was sexually abused by her dad for years and this
would dredge up painful memories for her.
but thanx for all your help guys i know your all right, i just dont have the courage to do anything, im sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): it's never too late to report a rape, you definitely report him.
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A
female
reader, blue_eyes1981 +, writes (16 August 2010):
 A rapist is walking the streets you know this you are one of his victims - you must go to the police. Ideally you should have told somebody at the time but please do it now.If you know the names and addresses of the other girls give them to the police aswell. Please I know it is difficult but you must get the ball rolling to get that vile piece of scum off the streets.
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A
female
reader, AgonyAuntJ +, writes (16 August 2010):
Hello. Firstly i am very sorry that you had to experience something so horrible. I have two very close friends that were both raped by different people and i can somewhat imagine how awful it must be.
Secondly, it IS still rape, regardless of you letting him kiss you, and then not fighting when he tried to have sex with you. If you said no several times like you say you did, then he still forced you into sex, ie, he had unconsented sex with you. That is rape. You were not as strong as him, and were a victim. All you must do is be honest and explain that to whoever it is you tell, ideally the police. Explain that you were scared he would hurt you; you have done NOTHING wrong. You will not get into trouble.
If you want to double check that it is still rape, then simply google "Rape Laws". There is lots of information on the internet, here is a website i found http://www.aftersilence.org/reporting-rape.php
Other websites may talk about "the accused" (thats him) and "the complainant" (thats you). As far as i know, the laws regarding rape are the same in the UK, the US and Australia.
There is no time limit as to when you should report the rape, it is a very hard thing to go through. However, the longer you leave it, the harder it may be for the police to file a complaint against him. 3 years is a long time but i am sure that if you just speak to somebody, they will be able to help you. And remember you are NOT alone.
If you know that this man has raped atleast two other girls, and theyre willing to speak to the police as well, then you might just be able to put a stop to this man. Now i'm no lawyer but this is very very serious, and this man needs to put into prison. I know it must be hard for you to deal with but you must understand that by talking to the police, you could prevent this man from hurting any other girls in the same way he hurt you. Also, there is help you can get. If this still effects you, and you go to the police and testify, then you can get free psychological help for anything that may be causing you any emotional/mental problems.
You were the victim and you will not get into any touble with anybody as long as you tell the truth. He does not deserve to be walking the streets. If you would like to private message me then please do, but please just speak to somebody. you are NOT on your own.
- AAJ.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): report him. It was non concentual. U said no but he did it anyway. If he's doing this to others u need to put a stop to it. Do it for ur 14year old self who didnt know how to stop it from happening. Think of how many other people who are scared just like u. B brave hunny, i no u already have been, 3 years is not too late.
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