A
female
age
30-35,
*knowit'struel0ve
writes:Hello all, Please take the time to read: I met my boyfriend of almost two years (in December) online by chance. I actually caught his attention and made the first move, but we took a lot of time to get to know each other as friends first before developing a cyber-sexual relationship. Nothing weird or creepy involved, just flirting and chatting; however, for the past year or more, we've both been sharing extremely detailed information about each other's lives, have met once in person (did not do anything sexual - just a meeting to get to know each other better in person) and talk ALL day and ALL night -- it is constant. I know about every single time he's with his wife and it's only for maybe 5-10 min each day scheduling for the kids during the day. Distance and my unavailability is what really keeps us apart currently.He's married - with two kids. He has told me details about his marriage and how they haven't had sex in 4 almost 5 years which I hound him about constantly because it's just a near impossible thing to believe; however his wife is an addict and has a book where she even expresses how intimacy is impossible for her and any man after living together - so I do believe him. He's a bit older than me, I have looks won over on him, so I think he really knows what a good thing he's got. He is super sweet and genuine, unlike any other man I've met. He does not have huge social or financial status and there is no doubt that I'm more in love with him than I have ever been. The only tricky thing is my paranoia - I read a few stories online about women dating married men and buying in to everything they say - some of the things he has told me too, but I believe him to be like any other sincere guy would be about it and honest - married or not. I am about to be in a position where I can be available for him (another one of the reasons why we aren't together) and he promises me separation and divorce during that time that I am able to be on my own for him. We have plans of moving in together and he has recently taken steps to prove he is distancing his marriage, not for me, but to make things a little more obvious. I have told him that the last thing I want is to come between him and his wife, but he insists that I am no home-wrecker and that the marriage has been broken since his wife gave birth to their second child and started abusing drugs more drastically. He has really given me no reason to not question his intents regarding his situation and our relationship; however, I just need to be reassured that I should keep waiting a few months for me to become independent (I'm not underage - just in the process of transitioning and moving to be on my own) as he promises he will be separated by then. Should I trust him to wait out this situation with him? I do trust him a lot and believe me, we know EVERYTHING about each other - the ugly and the pretty, but reading some of these articles online make me have to ask for advice of my own. Thank you for your input
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female
reader, moon river  +, writes (25 November 2011):
 looking at what other people do wrong does not make what you are doing right!
in fact it almost makes it worse that you slander her for doing it when you are no better
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (24 November 2011):
 Your story and your way of thinking and making excuses for this man - well, it's nothing new. Just read any story of the "other woman" and you should be seeing parallels between your life and theirs.Here are the facts:1. You've known him almost 2 years and he has yet to initiate divorce papers OR live separately from his wife. 2. Even though you may frequently speak on the phone, you have only met once in person. You know what that means? Nothing. Talking on the phone and BEING with someone in person are two completely different things. And you never fully know someone until you live with them.Now you mention that he has been taking steps towards separation. Do tell, what are those steps? I would like to know, since you don't list it in your writing. If you think that by being "available" will motivate him to initiate divorce papers, you'll be in for a big surprise. Do not have sex, or even date this man until he is separated and no longer living with his wife. Don't give him everything and end up with nothing. Read more stories, read about "the other woman" and tread more carefully. See if he will be separated in 3 months. Just watch, he won't be and he will prolong the separation by a few more months and give a "good" excuse.
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A
female
reader, bluecow +, writes (24 November 2011):
 WOW So many things jump out at me from your posts.I will try to be concise but I cant promise.1) You have on several occasions mentioned that you have "looks" on your side or that you are "hotter" than his wife. This may well be true (especially given your age), however they dont last forever. At some point you will be the same age as his wife is now. Your body will change as you age (whether you have children or not) and your face will age. Is he still going to find you hot and sexy then? Which brings me to2) He mentions that he no longer has a physical relationship with his wife. Again this may well be true given the evidence, however it was physical once. He has 2 children as testament to that. When your body has sagged, and your face has lined, whats to stop him going out and finding some younger tail to satisfy his eyes?3) What happens if YOU have an emotional problem or addiction, and you dont want a physical relationship for a while? It happens much more than you might know. Depression, mental illness, stress, childbirth, finances etc all can bring about a "dry spell".4) his constant moaning about his wife. From what I can understand its not just about his non-existant sex life, its much deeper than that. At the moment you two dont REALLY know each other. You only know each other from a distance. There will be things about him and his habits that drive you insane and vise versa. How will you feel if he is moaning about you to someone else instead of talking to you about these issues?5)he is super-sweet and genuine... how do you know? Your contact has been 99.99999% digital. Its clear he is a liar (or he wouldnt be talking to you in the first place and decieving his wife), and a cheat (yes I know not physical yet, but certainly emotionally). That doesnt sound so sweet and genuine to me. IF he can spin lines to his wife, then he can spin them to you.6) His wife is a drug addict. A horrible situation and obviously something she is TRYING to deal with (evident from writing about her experiences). From what I can see that you have written about him he hasnt offered her much support. Instead he has decieved and betrayed her trust. He has whinged to you instead of trying to find soloutions.7) IF no soloution is to be found for his marriage... WHY hasnt he split from his wife sooner? His emotions when D-Day finally arrives are going to be so mixed. He has 2 children to consider (custody?), and all the emotions of a failed marriage. He isnt going to be ready to move out of one relationship and directly into another "marriage". What he should be doing is splitting NOW (if that is indeed what he wants - nothing I have read makes me think so), and giving himself some time to heal BEFORE embarking on a full relationship with you.8)Custody... Are you ready to be a step-mum? If his wife is as badly drug addled as you suggest then he is likely to want to have the kids with him. Even if not, then he will be wanting to see them on a very regular basis. Are you ready for that commitment? Your not just committing to a man, your committing to future contact with his wife, and his children.9)I dont understand why you havent been available, and why its going to take another 3 months for you to be... however why on earth are you trusting him to make a break at the same time as you? This isnt a synchronised swimming class! Its a DIVORCE with CHILDREN involved! 10) Are you really justifying his infidelity because his wife has been unfaithful? REALLY? Just because she did something bad, doesnt make it right for him to do so!The bottom line for me would be this. Tell him that you want no contact until he has been separated from his wife 100% for at least 3 months.If you two are as perfect for each other (and are you perfect for his kids?), then 3 months is nothing when taken out of a lifetime of love.Sorry this isnt what you wanted to hear. But your own instinct is telling you something is wrong. TRUST IT!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 November 2011):
 so if it's only three months, would you be opposed to limited contact for that period of time till he is legally separated?
why or why not?
if he says he will be separated and you believe him then you have nothing to fear from having a bit of a break....
and in the span of life, 3 months is really NOTHING...
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A
female
reader, iknowit'struel0ve +, writes (24 November 2011):
iknowit'struel0ve is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'd also like to add to my question here that his wife has cheated on him a few times now because she claims to not be intimately involved with men after she is committed to them (I read that about her in her book). He has never cheated on his women before, besides with me and online porn of course, also there is no way he could be sleeping with his wife at night because him and I are constantly chatting all day/night we stop after making each other cum for sleep around 2 - 2:30am and he texts me every morning when he wakes at 6 - 6:30am, so even if he were to be lying and going back up to her bed, I'm pretty sure he'd be too tired to do anything with her anyway.
I'm almost not even worried about her anyway as he's always pissed off at her for something, plus him and I never run out of things to talk to, share our feelings, we've cried, argued, everything. Also I'm younger/hotter/more sexual than he claims his wife to have ever been even when they were alright in the beginning. He says ever since she's been an addict, sex with her was always unpleasing in that it would be directed by her and only straight to intercourse - no fore play or teasing of any sorts. He even admits to loving his first wife more than he ever loved his current one, so I feel almost like I have nothing to worry about.
I think the main reason right now that we aren't together is because I haven't been available for him and most men stay in a marriage no matter how bad it is.. They're lazy and don't want to do any work to get out since cheating is so easy; however, if a nice gem comes a long (like me) that he falls in love with, he's going to be motivated enough to make steps for separation - which he has been doing.
I just need a few more months until I can leave my roommate and move back to my hometown where he plans to move to as well. I strictly set a limit - he only gets the amount of time that I have until my moving is final. That's 3 months. He swears he will be separated by then and I can tell he is genuine.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 November 2011):
I also like what Ampersand said.
Here Is my story:
first the husband part...
I was married. what I thought was happily...My husband was home every night and on the computer .hatting... occasionally he would go "play poker with the boys" and I no problem with it....
turns out that a. he was chatting girls up on the computer and b. apparently his wife (me) was "depressed and unavailable" and we were "practically separated" and that we never had sex and he was "sleeping in another room"
According to him our marriage was over and a sham... at least on line... I know this because the woman he's with now told me he told her these things.. the funny thing none of it was true... and she said he seemed so believable so that when she met me she was shocked... she thought he was separated and I was this evil woman. I was not.
I wonder if I call his wife right now on Thanksgiving what she would say.... (btw mine would have been on the computer chatting with you while I was making dinner in the kitchen... and I would have been clueless about his lies)
Oh and when he slept it was in bed with me... and we were having sex.. etc...
Now my part:
I was the breadwinner.. I knew he lied to me and yet I would have stayed married to him because it was easy. I knew the marriage needed to be over.. he was my third husband.... divorce was an option easily for me but there was no need real need... you don't divorce for lack of passion, in my opinion....
Now for my story:
I took a lover.. more for mental stimulation than sex since our sex life was fine... and I FELL IN LOVE with him. And he with me. Now my then husband knew about the boyfriend... and we finally separated because the husband was no longer happy.... and I am now with my FWB full time and we will marry next year when my divorce is final....
The POINT:
people that are NOT happy in a marriage LEAVE... they don't make excuses as to why they can't leave. They don't EASE their way out of a marriage.. they don't stay for the sake of the kids or the money... these are all excuses married people give for staying in a marriage that really is not that bad but they feel that having a little something something on the side is "the spice of life"
problem is, he is saying what you want and need to hear.
Ya know it does happen that folks leave their comfort zone end marriage for someone else so my advice...:
1. force his hand. tell him that you will be with him when he is legally separated (i.e. separate address from his wife) but until then you need to be "just friends" which will mean, no physical contact, no sexual talk, no talk of what will be WHEN he leaves his wife. The talks now have to deal with just what's in the here and NOW...no dreaming of the future with him...
"BUT" you scream, "we will be together we want to dream and plan..." yes I get this.. BUT if it's TRUE love and it's a forever thing, a few WEEKS or MONTHS of waiting are worth it...
I started with my boyfriend in December 2010 and by the end of February it had developed so badly that by the first week in March my husband moved out... I could not have lived how I was living for two years... a choice had to be made...
I so wish you could call the wife and her side of it... without proof you don't know if what he says about her is true... what my lying husband said about me was not.
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A
female
reader, moon river +, writes (24 November 2011):
Have fun Playing the therapist for this guy who is using you to substitue his wife, for a while.
If what he says is even true.
You probably won't find unbiased advice, what you are doing is deadly really wrong and immoral. Give him an ultimatum and he can get a divorce and then you will still be there for him, that's the only way you can really tell if he even likes you
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A
male
reader, Lancer500 +, writes (24 November 2011):
 Hi, it is highly possible he is everything you say he is and he says he is. Yet, when you for sake of using a logical example go to buy a car do you test drive it first and look under the hood and check the tires first or do you say on line here is $20,000 that took 10 years for you to save?
Being in-love makes one throw out all logic...I understand and it is beautiful but has huge risks...
Since you are applying some logic, here is what you to do next time you meet. You ask to see his phone and read all his texts especially to his wife. If he lets you, and he passes muster, he is 100% real. You have checked the tires...but more test driving is required, yes?
That brings me to how long of a long-term relationship do you want...possibly marriage? Know, since she uses drugs he might get full custody or at the least spend thousands and thousands on lawyers ($20k minimum) and if she or her parents have money, this could take 2 to 4 years to resolve and then child custody goes back and forth and can always be brought up in court...a real horror...then, if you have a child with him...know more than 1/3 of his income will go to the children living with her if they do...less for your child until they are 21, hence, unless you have a good career path, the ramifications long-term are very very serious....
In the meantime, be in-love...a wonderful feeling but know, you both have huge hurdles to climb and he or you may not have the horsepower or resources to overcome them quickly or easily...
One step at a time...
Funny expression...as the American inspectors of Russian Nuclear bombs used to say..."Trust, but verify!" LOL
Best of luck,
J
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (24 November 2011):
 P.S. I just want to second everything Ampersand has told you - excellent advice!
I had intended, but forgot, to say that you should trust your paranoia! It's trying to tell you something you should pay attention to!
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (24 November 2011):
You've known this man two years. He has told you his marriage is, basically, a wreck, but has taken no steps to even separate from his wife, let alone proceed with divorce and custody arrangements.
While he may well enjoy his online friendship with you, the fact that he has done nothing about his situation - UNTIL you told him you are about to be more available, is, in my opinion, suspicious.
Look at it this way: if he's that unhappy, he should have taken steps to separate and divorce her a long time ago, whether there was "another woman" in the picture or not.
And, not only that, he wants you to go live with him while he's in the process of "distancing his marriage, to make things a little more obvious." Uh, uh. You DON'T move in with a man you barely know - and let's face it, there is no way on God's green earth you CAN know anyone merely through phone calls and communication online! Until you meet someone IN PERSON and see them many times, when he's at his best, AND on an off day, you CAN'T know him.
Besides, moving in with him "while he's distancing himself" means he's STILL married - even if he moves out of the house!
No, be very skeptical of your feelings of "loving" him and trying to tell yourself he's trustworthy - on that last point, MAYBE he is, but he has yet to prove it.
You should proceed with extreme caution here until his divorce papers are final, and limit your contact with him. Suppose his wife decides to divorce HIM. Would you want to run the risk of being branded as "the other woman"? Not worth it!
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