A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a really small question that is out of my depth so wanted ppls opinions please!My fella and I have been together 4 months. He has children with his ex and we have made sure that everything stays exactly the same (ie..he takes them footballing, having them every weekend etc). I have been very concious that their routine stays the same. However, his ex who does have a boyfriend goes on lots of holidays, my fella pays for her car, gives her lots of money etc and has the kids every weekend. However, when I suggest the odd day out, it takes him ages to ask his ex. I know he wants to keep the peace which is good, but she literally walks all over him and he let's her. She has on 3 occasions said he can't see his kids, but its always forgotten about in days as she needs him. At the drop of a hat, he says yes to havin his kids, but if he asks its always "will have to check my calendar" when lots of notice is always given. Feel torn because he is such a good man and we can never plan anything but his ex can. Do u think I should read anything into this?Many thanks x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): Hi. In my experience it will be difficult to change this agreement your partner has with his ex wife without lots of trouble from her. Because it sounds as if she has things running how she wants them. So expect a lot of resistance from her if you want to make any changes to the agreement. For agreement, read...`Do what i want or you wont see the children`.He could go to court and get a visitation agreement. That way his ex can not dictate whether or not he sees the children. He could also Google the CSA site and calculate how much he should be paying towards the their upkeep. My partner pays a quarter of his monthly salary via CSA. If your partner is having the children every weekend, paying for a car and giving `lots` of money to his ex. Then he could be paying way too much and thats how she can afford all her holidays....while you dont even get a Saturday alone together. These things are important when starting a new relationship. But his ex wife wont care about that.If you are really serious about this guy you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel about things or nothing will change. If on the other hand, you are having problems already and it is putting you off, then leave now before things get worse. I love my partner but i would never recommend dating a father of younger children. It is not like dating a truly single guy because their ex is and will always be in the picture. And if they are a difficult person it really does make life miserable for everyone, not least the children who they claim to be putting first!!So run or stay and fight but i know which i would do. All the best.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): He's more committed to his family than to you. You've only been in his life for 4 months, so dont' expect him to change up his years-long routines and arrangements with his family, for you.
It would be different if you'd been dating for, say, 5 years and he was doing this.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 November 2011):
 I understand your frustration, to a point, but ... see it this way : for whatever reason ( including probably that he LIKES to spend weekends with his children since he can't see them every day anymore ) they have agreed that he gets his kids every weekend. The agreement may be fair or unfair, but it's what they have agreed upon together and what works for them.
Then you arrive, a newcomer of 4 months , and you ask for the " odd day out " . You expect , sort of demand in fact, that their routine and agreements change , and that the ex be flexible, understanding and accomodating. Don't get me wrong, she COULD be nicer all considered, but she does not have to.Legally or morally . She could say : you'll have your odd day out when your kids are 18 .
If your bf is a pushover and gets taken advantage of ( but I bet he is HAPPY to get his kids some extra day and that's why he is so accomodating ) you should ask that HE changes ,not that she changes.
Dating a divorced dad is difficult. It takes lots of patience, tact and selflessness. You can decide if this guy is worth the effort or not - but there WILL be an effort to make.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): His children will always come first, his Ex knows this big-time, I dont know why they split up but he sounds like he feels extremely guilty to me. Shes got him over a barrel.
Paying for her car is probably for the childrens sake, to make their life easier, he's clearly a great dad.
Thing is she wants it all her way, weekends free etc, its not going to change really till the kids are older.
You can only be understanding for so long,which you are, talk to him about it all and if you decide its not going to change in the near future,end it.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (24 November 2011):
 Guys in his situation often carry around a lot of guilt over what divorce does to kids. So he's bending over backward. I understand that you must find it frustrating, but I suspect it's unlikely to change any time soon.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): I hate women like that!You sound very reasonable to be honest, but this is what can happen when you get involved with men with kids!! I've been in similar situations in the past (and we split up, because, and I quote, 'she (the ex) hasn't been with anyone else since we split up...' (Basically he said it wasn't 'fair' to the kids, (they lived 2 hours away from him, I'd never met them, nor interfered with his relationship with them either) I said 'She doesn't even know about me?' he replied 'she does' I said 'Why did you tell her? What's it got to do with her?' He said 'Well she needs to know...' What the fuck?!!! (I could understand if we had become serious and I was being introduced to his kids, but I wasn't then!!)Tbh, it made me feel like saying 'Well, if you are so bothered what your ex thinks, fucking get back with her then'?!!)The point is, while I think its good to try and remain 'civil' with your ex if you have kids, there comes a point when you need to 'grow some balls' so to speak!Personally, I will never get involved with someone with kids ever again!! For what it's worth, imo, she is taking the piss abit, but he will go along with it, so as to see he kids probably, and you will either have to accept it or date someone who hasn't got kids. (Soz, but some women do use them (the kids) like a weapon :(Best of luck though xxx
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