A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I don't have a great history with females. I have lacked confidence and have only had a sexual relationship with one woman. So far, I feel like I have missed out on this aspect of life. However, for the first time in my life, I feel more confident in myself and I can sense interest from other females, some of whom are very desirable. It has created intense feelings that are hard to control.The problem is that I am in my 40's, am married and have 4 children. I am aware of my responsibilities and the hurt any extra-marrital activity could cause. My wife would have strong opinions about such things. However, the feelings are hard to control and they are so intense that it is like I become blind to what I should and should not be doing.It scares me somewhat and I don't know what to do about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): "Just guessing, but you sound like you are responsible father and husband, which is VERY attractive to younger women who are single, especially those who have children whose fathers haven't been responsible"
Don't agree, NOT AT ALL. I'm 32 and have 3 children and consider myself a pretty responsible father. I'm well behaived and I don't get up to any no-good I guess:-p However I have NEVER been so unappealing to the opposite sex until now. It seems that Daddies like me don't offer any excitment or sex appeal, we are just far to boring. Women just see past us as if we're not there. Even if I wanted to get up to no good with some pretty girls, it wouldn't happen anyway. I don't think I could find one single willing female with whome I could start something with!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): "The problem is that I am in my 40's, am married and have 4 children. I am aware of my responsibilities and the hurt any extra-marrital activity could cause."
Just guessing, but you sound like you are responsible father and husband, which is VERY attractive to younger women who are single, especially those who have children whose fathers haven't been responsible.
But, step across that line with just one kiss and you become like all the other schmucks who don't live up to their responsibilities.
Go ahead, have your mid life crisis affair, but before you do, read about affairs, the effects on children in the family, the spouse, and the next couple of generations. It's pretty bad.
I'd advise you to think for about 30 more years before you do that.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 March 2011):
You cheat, here's what will happen:
Your wife will divorce you and clean you out (4 kids = 25% of pay packet roughly, and that doesn't include maintenance or house etc).
Your kids will find out, and hate you. Worse, your wife will be in a position to play you like a violin permanently.
You will end up living alone in a miserable bedsit.
Rather than have an affair, get back to your marriage which is clearly under significant strain, and start putting effort into it with your wife. You have a family and they love you. If you cheat and screw it up, you'll be the one moving out, you'll be the one in court fighting for custody and worst case you'll be the one hearing how much your kids hate you for hurting their mother.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (9 March 2011):
 It was pretty clear what advice you were going to get in general on DC, posting this question. I live in a culture where it is pretty much standard procedure for better off men to have mistresses I have a few practical thoughts and although I will likely bring upon myself the ire of the gods Dear Cupid, I'll share a few with you.
First, obviously you love your wife and children and don't want to hurt them. What is going to hurt them is a) spending money that your household needs b) catching a disease and c) getting caught so don't do any of the above.
Ironically, for an affair to work you have to be very honest with your lover. It is really important from the very outset to make it clear that this is just fun, that you love your wife, that you won't ever leave her and that your wife comes first. Having done that that should be about the last thing about your wife that you should discuss with your lover. What goes on between you and your wife should remain private between you. It's not in good taste to discuss this with your lover.
An affair can be something special and beautiful. Try to make it interesting don't just meet in a motorway hotel and have sex. Affairs must end. If you can try to leave your lover a better and happier person than you found them. Put some effort into being the best lover you can. Your wife might benefit from your increased skill! Of course, it goes without saying that just because you are having sex elsewhere you absolutely must not deprive your wife of sex and you should also be the best lover to her that you can be. On occasion this might mean having more sex than you really want and it is worth having a small stash of something to give you a pick me up if you have been with your lover all afternoon and you come home in the evening to find that you need to get going again. There are some Chinese "fake viagra" pills available on Amazon which actually work quite well for this purpose. Regular doses of Maca also help.
Smartphones are hugely useful in facilitating illicit activities. Make sure that you have one like an Iphone on which you can text easily. Also invest in the apps which allow you to selectively remove phone calls from your call logs. Obviously use a password.
It goes without saying that you must be sure that no one else has access to your phone records. Also be aware that smartphones can easily have spy software installed on them so use password and don't give other people the chance to install anything on your phone.
Have a quick and simple code for text messages which is understood to mean "Don't text or call until further notice". I use 000. This is vitally important because there are times when you need to be confident in leaving your phone in clear sight knowing that there is no risk of an incoming text. If you are always overly protective of our phone it will appear suspicious.
Establish protective patterns. Don't always answer your phone. If you are with your lover there will be times that you can't answer the phone. So get in the habit of not always answering. Everyone who knows me well knows that i often don't answer the phone and that I might call back a couple of hours later.
Turn off the GPS in your phone. Bear in mind that a car can be fairly easily tracked with GPS.
Likewise get yourself and everyone that knows you in the habit of your having somewhat erratic movements. If you are in your office most of the day every day then people will notice when suddenly you are not. Get in the habit of working in coffee shops and all kinds of other locations so that often no one knows where you are. You have to create the space in which you can disappear un-noticed.
Ask your lover not to wear strong perfume, especially in your car. Buy her the same brand as you buy your wife.
If having afternoon sex with a lover make sure that you don't put any clothes back on inside out. That takes some serious explaining when you get home.
Don't have unprotected sex but at the same time don't keep condoms in your house or in your car or anywhere where else where your wife might find them. Best if your lover keeps hold of them.
Avoid taking as a lover anyone that your wife knows or who is in your social circle or work environment - doomed to fail. Be very discrete. Indeed if your work allows for significant amounts of travel then the very best lover is one who lives in different city or even a different country.
Lie as little as possible. It's just stupid to claim that you are 100 miles away from where you really are. Meet your lover in places close to place where you have plausible reasons to be.
Sometimes you will need to answer a call from your wife when you are together with your lover. You need to make sure that your lover's phone is turned off - nothing worse than her phone ringing when you are on the phone with your wife.
Ask your lover to change the mobile phone number which you use to contact her on a pretty regular basis - monthly perhaps.
Remember that once you take a lover you are pretty much on the wrong side of any argument with your wife, you are minus 100 points in any situation so don't fight over small stuff with your wife. Take out the rubbish, fix the shelf, change the light bulb, be nice to her mum ....
I could go on but I think I've earned myself enough contempt for the day.
That reminds me. It is of paramount importance to successful affairs that you should not feel guilty. If you feel guilty then your behaviour will give you away. If you can't have an affair without feeling guilty then you shouldn't be having the affair.
Take your wife on a nice unexpected holiday.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (9 March 2011):
The thing is, what is more important to you, being a good husband and dad, or endulging in some lustful sex (in the kind of way you can't with your wife)I think unless you're exceptionally deceiving, you will suffer from serious guilt and potentially all sorts of problems if you do cheat on your wife. Even if you stay away from these interested women and use escorts (which can seem to justify cheating for some people)I think all (or at least, most) men have this dilemma and at various points in their life. I think you have to ask yourself.. do you believe that your wife deserves for you to be faithful in your marriage? If you do not.. then go ahead with what you want to do, but know what you are ultimately doing to her and your children. But, if you feel she is a good wife, and a good mother to your children then choose to be a good husband and father back to her. As for the lustful feelings, I am sure with better communication your wife can go -some way- to help with wanting to fulfil certain desires. And for the rest, stick with porn and your imagination. It's often better than living out real life fantasies (and safer!) IMO.
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A
female
reader, TEM  +, writes (9 March 2011):
 I understand your dilemma, but an extramarital affair is not the answer. Affairs are not simple things, they ruin lives, and at this point in your life, with a wife and four children, you have a lot at stake.
It is not unusual to feel this way when you reach your mid-forties. What you are describing is a classic mid-life crisis situation. When we reach a certain age we begin to assess our lives. If we find it lacking in one area or another, we feel that the time to right it is "now or never." There is a sense of urgency.
In your case you have found your sex life lacking. You think the answer is an affair. An affair might give you sex, but it might also give you an STD, unwanted pregnancy, discovery by spouse(s) and the resultant feelings of betrayal which may lead to divorce. Most women (with the exception of prostitutes) do not have affairs just for sex. If they are intimate with you, they will have certain expectations of you. It can get messy and when it ends, it ends badly.
You must ask yourself what is missing in your marriage/life. There is an unmet need, beyond the sexual act, in your life. The affair is just a distraction from the real problem. Once you identify the unmet need, you must set about fulfilling it.
It would also be a good idea to talk to your wife about the way you feel. If the passion has gone from your relationship, look for ways, together, to bring it back. There's lots of information on the Internet about bringing the spice back to your marriage. There's also lots of information about mid-life crisis. You might want to read up on it, so that you understand what you are going through.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): My first question would be, are you having or receiving good sex from your wife? And I mean currently and not 20 years ago or something.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): At this age we start to see the grave yard staring us in the face.
If you follow through on your plans it may be much closer than you think.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): That sounds just like me! An urge to eat the forbidden fruit. But I hardly think anyone would want to have an extramarital affair with me as I am beautiful, intelligent and happily married to a handsome husband.
But I do not think why you would want to jump in to a well when you know that it is only pain in there? Is your sex life bothering you? Is there someone that you fell for? Analyse your reasons before you indulge in something like this!
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