A
female
age
36-40,
*ittle_elephant
writes:My boyfriend and I started going out last April after seeing each other for a month. It was amazing and then at the end of November I ended it because I felt that things were going to fast as he wanted to move in with me and said he wanted to marry me and have children later on. He said he could see himself proposing to me within a year and knew exactly how he'd do it. After a couple days we got back together and then in December I started to panic again and broke it off. I honestly dont know why I did, I think its because we are both in the final year of University and neither of us were sure where we are going in July time. At the beginning of January when we got back to Uni for a week we were seeing each other and then over facebook he broke it all off. He said he couldn't trust me anymore, that I wouldnt break up with him again. So, admittedly, I did go a bit insane and tried my hardest to win him back. I phoned, text, sent a letter. A couple days ago we met up and he said he doesn't know where he stands at the moment as there is so much going on in his life and he doesn't know what to do after Uni. But it was obvious he still missed me as he said he wished the previous breakups had never happened and we'd still be together now. He said he didn't know what the future held and that he just wanted to be friends.Try as I might I cant just be his friend. I made two very foolish mistakes and I miss him terribly. I want to move on but I really cant seem to. We still text each other, very strained. I just feel like no matter what I do I'm stuck waiting for something to happen and I wouldn't hesitate going back out with him. I'm sorry about the long message. Any advice would be gratefully received.
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male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (9 March 2011):
You have seriously damaged his trust in you. And the only thing you can do now, I guess, is try to show him you are fully committed to him. Even in a friendship, as it's the kind of relationship he wants now.But before you do that, you have to find out yourself why are you that afraid of being committed to a relationship. From what you wrote I can tell that commitment panics you very much. And there's no point in denying it. Or you may end up making a third mistake.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): I think your feelings of panic are entirely natural, because you feel he wanted to move things on too quickly. April to November and already he's talking about marriage and children, and when and how he'll propose?
That would make me panic too if I were your age, just about to finish University and embark on life.
He broke off your relationship on Facebook? Hmmm ... not the actions of a mature person, would you say? Silly teenagers break up with one another on social networking sites, not mature adults.
My strong advice to you would be to leave things as they are, don't get back together with him right now (if ever). Give yourself some time and space. You've just invested your time and hard work in obtaining a University degree; don't throw that away.
The healthiest position from which to embark on any relationship is from a position of complete independence. Establish your own life, your career, your friends. Don't ever be rushed into making monumental decisions about your future.
I wish you a happy, healthy and peaceful life.
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