A
male
age
41-50,
*eartadia
writes:i'm not sure what it is i'm doing wrong. i've been dating my girlfriend for nearly 4 years. she's 5 years older than me but personally, i've never cared about age. gradually over the years, like many relationships, you are either good or you start having certain differences - which are fixable. however, i think i've sort of encountered fundamental differences in our characters that are not fixable.i'm not sure if it's denial on my part, or just this hopeless praying that things will get better one day - because i'm a naturally optimistic guy.i don't want to make this sound like my girlfriend is all bad, so bear with me as i've also gained much knowledge and positives out of this relationship. however my irks, irritations and leniency is being tested on many fronts by her.#1 - she critisizes me alot in big and small areas and it's become a daily, hourly habit of hers. i'm not sure if this is just normal, old couple style bickering which i'm cool with since i don't normally have a critical personality in the first place.#2 - extremely moody and pessimistic in her views and temper towards me and my point of views.#3 - almost never sides with me on anything even if thee facts are all on my side.#4 - unappreciative of the things i do for her, only critisizes it.#5 - feels like my actions or style are never good enough or to her likings.#6 - treats her friends the complete opposite in comparison to how she treats me. her excuse for this is that she says she only treats really close people to her badly. I DO NOT GET THIS LOGIC.#7 - doesn't celebrate my birthdays with me.$8 - always thinks she right, which quite frankly i've come to grow tired off and just too tired to argue.#9 - makes me feel guilty for no reason whatsoever, as if me trying to feel special about myself for once in awhile is wrong.#10 - i have to constantly feel sorry for myself these days.#11 - she's the type of person that goes, "as long as i did not utter the words, it does not meean i desired or wanted it" so she can give me all the negatives signs physically, but as long as no words are spoken, nothing is wrong. i mean come on...how can you stand in front of me with an angry face or upset face and than when i ask you what's wrong you say nothing or when i reject a certain idea of yours, you say sure (as in everything is good) but all your other signs mean the complete opposite.#11 - mind games, loves making me guess if she's truly mad or just i dunno.#12 - commitment and money is a big issue with me. i'd say throughout our 4 years, i've paid 90% of the costs. she doesn't seem to understand that or appreciate it at all.#13 - i utter to her the possibility of marriage, children and starting a family in the future and she just says to me, "i'll see how i feel about it when the time comes"....ok sure i know feeling is important....but sometimes i just don't understand if she truly loves me or is she just using me and is confused with herself as well.i think she's very sweet and cute at times, but i feel like she acts very mean to me most of the time just so when she does become like an angel, i'll jump up and bark like a dog. it's manipulative controlling and i feel helpless because my pride, respect and self-esteem is being crushed..what should i do? i feel emotional, financially and physically drained and tired.
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female
reader, lec  +, writes (12 August 2012):
If you're willing to continue this relationship, then you need to cut the self-pity and be proactive in your dealings with her.
Catch her on her shit, make your needs clear and have them met, refuse to talk to her/demand an apology when she's being childish and bitchy.
Stop enabling her crap behavior. Grow a pair and really stand up for yourself.
Her emotional baggage will not allow her to grow as a person any time soon and therefore you must assert yourself and stand your ground.
Demonstrate to her in a very clear fashion what is acceptable and what is not. Yes, just like when dealing with a child.
When talking to her, be calm, confident and assertive. Here's an example:
You: "No, Susie, that is not appropriate."
Susie: Waaa waaa waaa
You: "No, Susie, what you said is very hurtful and unwarranted."
Susie: Waa waa
You: "No, Susie, you have hurt my feelings and you need to apologize."
Susie: Waa
You: "No, I will not talk to you until you have apologized to me."
If she continues to whine and bitch at that point, then you need to separate yourself. Go for a walk and hopefully when you get back she will have realized her wrong. If not, then do as you said and don't talk to her until she's apologized.
She's the child, not you. You're just attempting to re-claim your self-respect.
If you truly feel like she's really only with you because she needed a shoulder to cry on, then you need to either leave, or discuss it with her to see her present view on the situation.
Otherwise you're just going with the flow. Stop going with the flow. Be proactive!
A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (10 March 2011):
 Hmm, you're list of pro's didn't really pan out well. I seriously think that you have just answered your own question. YOU spend most of the cash, she only spends around 30% of the time being cute and sweet, you aren't sure of what she has done in the last 4 years to make YOU feel happy.... The alarm bells are deafening to me!!!
This relationship needs to end unfortunately. It might not be what you want to hear, but do you really want to spend the next 3/4 years feeling the way you are now??? I sure as hell wouldn't...
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A
male
reader, heartadia +, writes (9 March 2011):
heartadia is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for all the awesome responses guys. to provide some "pros" to balance out the cons on my first post so that peoplee can see a more perhaps "fair" view.i would say i'm probably your typical guy - and i'm saying this in a very general way because i'm a very general person.i am straight and frank in my ways. generous and like to treat my lady well. i don't like to be dramatic as i feel that's shameful and embarrassing - so you can say i like to show people a composed nature of myself. i like to joke but i've lost that side of myself tremendously these past 4 years.now onto her.she's cute and sweet, not sure if this is a pro that can be judged because i think all girls are naturally cute and sweet. however she's not always cute and sweet, i'd say only 30% of the time.she's frugal financially, however that's i think because i am the one spending most of the cash so she doesn't have to spend much. she has a very good sense of things so sometimes when i'm a bit dense myself, she helps me see the deeper end of things.she's very loyal and loving to her own family but not much to mine.to be honest, i actually don't know what she did passively positively throughout these 4 years that made me happy. i've been calmer, more secluded than ever, docile for sure and i'm not sure if this is good or bad. i can't think for myself because i always have this feeling i need her permission for anything and we're not even married or living together yet. maybe i'm just a coward.she even admitted to me that at the time when she initially asked me out first, she simply needed someone as an emotionally support. i think i was the light within her darkness. not a very good reason to date someone i think since usually you date someone because you really like them.now i'm starting to wonder if she doesn't really need me anymore so i'm being kicked to the curb gradually. last night, we had an silent mishap and it had something to do with my mother because she was being thoughtless. i kind of just gave her the cold shoulder because i don't let anybody mess with my family. maybe she finally realized she stepped over the line so sent me a quick even, hoping i'd pity her because she's been feeling lonely because she has to work full time.i think i've sacrificed alot for this girl, including becoming more distant with my own family while her family is all big and warm and still together.maybe i'm just angry, sad and feel trapped...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): She is taking all her frustrations and problems out on you because she knows you love her and wont leave her, where as she knows she can't get away with treating her friends in such a way because then she wont have any friends left.
Whenever she is in a bad mood, there will be nothing that you can do to make the situation better.
She definately seems to have issues within her self to be acting out in such a way towards you. Perhaps really insecure about herself. She needs to see a counselor to be able to get thing off her chest and deal with issues with a professional so she doesn't always come home angry to you.
I think that talking to her wont help because it will aggrevate her. But maybe writing her a letter of how you feel in a non-attacking way may help her realise how her actions are effecting you and your relationship in a negative way and that things will get worse if this issue isn't sorted out. Write about everything that you have written on here. Let her know that you love her and want to support her and suggest some counselling, even couples counselling?
She is obviously treating you unfairly and in a demeaning way which you shouldn't tolerate any longer. But clearly you must have had something very special to begin with which would be why you have been putting up with her nonsense for so long.
Nothing is going to get better until you take some action and stick up for yourself.
If after your trying, she can't see that you and your feelings are important, then it may be time to move on... after all, what she is doing to you isn't healthy for you and her, and you gotta look after yourself!
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (9 March 2011):
 http://www.dearcupid.org/question/seriously-debating-whether-to--break-up-or.html
Since you're evaluating your relationship, check out this link.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (9 March 2011):
Ok, so you have managed to tell us 13 cons about being with this lady, how many pros are there?? You seriously need to weigh this up. If the cons outnumber the pros, then this lady isn't for you.
She does seem very manipulative, and you seem as though you never really know where you stand with her. I'm in a similar situation with my ex, he can never give me a straight answer and i'm sick to death of it. He also displays alot of the cons you have mentioned in your post.
As always, the final decision is yours as to whether or not you stay and try and fix your relationship, or just leave and try and rebuild your self esteem. But remember this, people won't change unless they want to. Maybe a shock tactic like leaving her would make her sit up and realise what she is about to lose, might make her 'buck her ideas up' so to speak.
Whatever happens, i wish you all the best. I know what you are going through and i am finally finding the strength to get to the bottom of my situation, and i hope you do too. Good luck!
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