A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. Does anyone have any help for me in how to deal with jealousy/insecurity? I have been with my bf for almost 2 years and we are about to move in togther. I know he is my one, I have never felt like this about anyone, I love him deeply. The thing is, although I know he loves me I dont think he is in love and i feel i definately love him more. It upsets me and while i know it is not enough to end the relationship, it does upset me at times as i feel it is more me than him that is romantic etc. He is slightly younger than me and he is probably better looking than me and also looks younger. I have alot going for me, dotn get me wrong, i am very loving but i am no oil painting and he has a sharp wit that i dont have. I know that years ago he was really into this girl and she dumped him and it drives me crazy that he was more in to her then he is into me. She was 10 years younger than him and earned alot of money. You probably think i am crazy talking like this and maybe i am. I hate jealosuy yet I feel it so much. Is this what they call 'retrograde jealousy' or what? I see guys talking about it on here sometimes. We are about to buy a house togethr and we are also trying for a baby so he must love me, right? Maybe I am being silly. I mean, how lucky must you be to meet someone and both fall in love the same way and the same amount? That stuff just happens in fairytales. What i do know is this insane jealousy is really getting me down and i want to be relieved from it. It's really upsetting me. it's got so bad that I went through his facebook account, thats when I found the old emails to his ex, saying how obsessed he was with he and that all he wanted was to be with her (this is 3/4 years ago!) but he never says those kind of things to me. I dont want to end the relationship over this. Please help x
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 September 2011):
 He should get rid of the scarf. Definitely. If he wants a nice scarf he can get himself, or knit himself, a NEW ONE. The scarf makes you uncomfortable. And to top it off it's got their initials on it. It's like wearing the engagement ring an ex gave you, you know?
Some people don't have a jealous string in them, and don't understand the problem. I have an ex who wouldn't have a problem at all if I slept in the same bed as an ex of mine, his line went at kissing/touching only. Anything else he'd be fine with, and didn't understand when I wasn't fine with him doing things like that! Hah!
Your boyfriend might not understand it, but either way he should respect it. The scarf matters to you. If you matter to him, then the scarf should matter to him as well. It's about respecting your feelings, not about him needing to see your point of view.
The scarf needs to go. He can keep it for sentimental reasons if he pleases, but he needs to put it in a box and only wear it when you're not there to see it. For the rest of the time he can wear another scarf. Comfortable and nice scarfs can be bought anywhere.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2011): Hi Perhapsnot. I dont agree with what you are saying; we are not in the 1950s when men still stand up when a woman walks in to the room and I am certainly no marilyn monroe goddess that feels she needs to be worshipped. While i do feel insecure about him and my feelings for him, your statement is far to sweeping and black and white for me to take it seriously. Thanks for replying anyway. I think another poster hit the nail on the head with the comment about loving myself and boosting my self esteem and stop checking his FB page. I really dont like myself very much just now and I need to work on that.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (27 September 2011):
 It has always been my personal conviction that women that love their men more are at greater risk of being cheated on, or they aren't treated as well as they should be. It would be to your advantage to find a man that worships the ground you walk on. Women, not men, should be cherished and put on a pedestal. The second the woman puts the man on a pedestal, men start to abuse it.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 September 2011):
 I suggest we focus on this segment of your submittal:
".... i feel i definately love him more. It upsets me and while i know it is not enough to end the relationship,..."
Love is not a "match" wherein we keep score.... IF that's how you approach it.... AND it upsets you... then it REALLY IS "enough to end the relationship."
No guy (or girl) wants to compete with their love/partner for who loves the other more.... and/or who is more or less jealous...
IF you can't resolve this, and put it out of the picture, then this - and any subsequent - relationship is DOOMED....
Think about it....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2011): Hi, I'm OP. Just want to take a moment to thank you ALL for taking the time to respond to my neurotic post! And particularly to PR Scorpio, and what a scorpio reply it seemed?!! ;-) Yes, we have had heart to heart. He tells me that at 'his age' he does not believe in being 'in love'. but he does tell me he loves me; i know he does :-) In love? Maybe that is just not for him, he certainly rarely tells me that he is in love. Am i in love? Mostly. I fancy him ALOT and i love him loads. You're right' i do need to move on from this chapter and buying a house and having a baby is huge. I am massivley insecue and have had alot of bad realtionships and life experiences inc abuse. So maybe that has a lot to answer for. Yeah, i certainly do struggle with self esteem issues. I have had quite a lot of therapy for this but maybe it is time for some more?? Thanks again guys. Angels xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2011): Hi Chigirl, thanks for your great answer! I agree wholeheartedly. But there is one problem - when they were togther, she knitted him a scarf. I admit, it is a fantastic scarf - it's very long and stripey in blue and dark blue and it has their initials in it (that bit i HATE!!). I have asked him to get rid of it and he doesnt want to as he says it is a nice scarf (it is!!). However, I do wonder if he wears it for the love he had for her??(grrrrrr!!!!!)He did say if i got him a better one then he wouldnt wear it, but i dont think he will ever get rid of it due to Nostalgia? He has a point but the scarf does make me feel jealous. At the same time, years ago i had a really nice photo of my bf and I, taken in a booth. Years later, in a fit of rage I tore it into little pieces. Then, years later agian, he died. I wish I'd kept that photo. Know what I mean? So in many ways, it would be wrong for me to say get rid of the scarf? If i had a fab fur coat that an ex had given me, even if i hated him, if i loved the coat i would probably still wear it??!!! Your thoughts, the voice of reason!! xxx
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (26 September 2011):
Hey, I've been in your shoes! It's hard when you start to compare yourself to someone, even if you're the one who comes better out, because you measure not with logic, but with feelings. And you think, like others said, that feelings can be measured and compared. Yes, to a certain degree they can, and then again they can't really either.
However, I wonder if this insecurity doesn't come from him loving her more, or her being better, but coming from YOU not feeling good enough for him? Have you been in any lousy relationships before where a man left you for someone "better" or cheated? Because that could explain a whole lot, even though some people (and not very few either) do measure their value in how others think and feel about them.
The text book answer is to love yourself and build on your self esteem. The more handy advice is to stop checking out the ex. Don't go on your boyfriends mail or facebook or old pictures etc. Just leave the lot. Erase this woman from your memory. She doesn't matter to you, so why should you spend time thinking about her. If there's anything around that reminds you of her, get rid of it, or talk to your man about it and see if he would be willing to remove this item, or get rid of that thing etc. And most importantly, for him not to talk about her. If he doesn't talk about her, and you can't see or hear her, you wont think about her.
That's my theory anyway. And sure, in 10 years time maybe you're feeling confident enough in both your man and yourself to face seeing her or hearing about her. But until you feel ready to do so: pretend she doesn't exist.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2011): Hi youwish I'm the OP. The thing is, he WOULD still be with her had she not dumped him, what man wouldnt want to be with a woman 10 years younger? I think lots of stuff, that I havnt previously mentioned, is coming in to play here also - I'm 38, soon to be 39 and we've been trying for a baby for over a year with no luck. I feel like a total failure and although they have prescribed me drugs for infertiltiy, that will be all im offered on the NHS due to age. I feel so old and useless, it's rubbish. I've wanted to start a family for the last 10 years and now i've finally met the man i want to do it with, it wont happen! It doesnt help that all his tests came back fine but my blood tests didnt. I dont doubt that he didnt love his ex far more than me for a second. I know reading his emails is wrong but i'm so insecure and had been wondering if he cheated? It seems I was wrong. You talk about playing on my strengths but i feel so low at the moment i dont know how to.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 September 2011):
 Retroactive jealousy? Maybe.
Insecurity? Definitely.
You are worried that you don't measure up to either him or his ex, and that had she not dumped him, he would still be with her.
First of all, there's no "amount" when it comes to love. You can't compare it in measurements or intensity. Each person is loved differently, as different people bring out different sides of us, like light on a diamond.
You can't judge how he loves you based on the way he used to love another. You also can't have a healthy relationship if you're comparing yourself to him, and deciding that you don't measure up. Life isn't about the measuring stick. We all have our cards that are dealt, meaning we have good cards and bad ones. The best thing to do is play to our strengths while acknowledging and working with our weaknesses.
If you focus on what he had with his ex, your relationship is doomed. And definitely, there's no greater way to destroy your relationship with him than by invading his privacy.
Enjoy the relationship you have with him. If you feel like you're doing all the work in it, talk to him. Ask him for what you want. But understand, your relationship with him is not his ex's. And she's gone. If it had been so perfect, they'd still be together.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (26 September 2011):
 Insecurity is common at a younger age. You just neeedt to grow years. At my age, you'll look back and wonder why you wasted so much ennergy when you could have been laughing and having a good time. Life is too short to worry about things that may or may not be. Go for a long walk and listen to birds sing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2011): Hi, I'm the OP. Yes, he admits that I probably love him more. I adore him so it's not difficult.
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A
female
reader, PR_Scorpio +, writes (26 September 2011):
hello there...I have to admit that I saw so much of myself in your email. I see someone who is deeply in love and afraid of getting hurt. I don't think your boyfriend loves you less because you really can't gage love only by his lack of works of affirmation to you. Everyone expresses love differently. Sometimes as women, we tend to be insecure and that creates jealousy and other feelings of "I'm not good enough, or he doesn't love me enough, etc". No matter how much younger your boyfriend is and how much better looking than you, you think he is, that's besides the point. He's chosen you to move in with. He's chosen you to have a baby with. And him wanting to have a baby with you is HUGE. Snooping around and reading old emails only feeds to your insecurities. You don't know his state of mind when he wrote those emails and assuming things is not healthy for your relationship. My advice, if you feel so strongly about his feelings or lack thereof, then you should have a heart to heart with him and once you hear his heart, close that chapter and move on. Know your worth and value no matter your age and your looks. A woman with self confidence and self esteem is always WAY better looking than any woman with no self confidence and self esteem. Good luck with your new home and beginning a new family!
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A
female
reader, confuzzled_in_cville +, writes (26 September 2011):
I think you should relax and enjoy the moment. He hasn't given you a concrete reason besides old sentiments towards ex's. Some ex's can't be forgotten, but instead ignored. I hope the both of you can be very happy. If your consumed by the feeling, it'll come out. Have you talked to him about how you think he feels about you?
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