A
female
age
30-35,
*ophiebrown94
writes:I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 10 months now. We get on really well as companions and friends, we really care about eachother and are affectionate. I know he loves me and i feel safe with him. The longstanding issue has become apparent to mw over time that despite these great factors, deep down I have no attraction to him, i'm not in love with him and i don't feel romantic or physical towards him. This is evident in that we haven't had sex in about 6 months. As a parallell issue, in the last 2 months I've somehow head over heels for my colleague. It happened out of the blue and although i've tried to push away these feelings, they have just grown, so that now I can't hardly bear it because he is all I can think about all day. I am absolutely gutted when the weekend comes and i don't see him for a while. I feel like i'm going crazy and falling in love. This guy doesn't have a clue how I feel and although I know he is single i'm not sure he would be interested in me even if I was single. We have a great time together, same sense of humour and probably borderline flirt but he may just see that as friendliness. In any case, the bottom line is i'm in a relationship with someone who is lovely and kind but i'm not attracted to, whilst all the while being in love with someone who might not feel anything towards me. I would never ever want to act on this situation selfishly so I know deep down to follow my heart i'd have to end things with my boyfriend and at some point make my feelings clear to my colleague. I am just absolutely terrified of the outcome and change and perhaps being self-sabotaging and letting go somewhere who cares about me.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 July 2018):
 End it with your BF first, like EVERY aunt/uncle suggested.
Because? It's the right thing to do.
Some people are just not cut out for LDR's, no matter how great the partner is. I think... you are one of those people.
10 months is too soon (for most) to figure out how to make an LDR becomes a R - as in move closer to each other etc.
The fact that you are also becoming interested in a guy you get to see almost every day EVEN THOUGH you have a partner already, also tells me that your NEEDS aren't met in your LDR. Which is unfair to YOU AND your BF. He deserves a partner who WANTS him and wants to BE with him.
So end it nicely. I would NOT mention that you are having a crush on a guy at work. Just that you don't feel an LDR is for you and you don't want to string him along. Wish your BF the BEST and then CUT all contact. Don't agree to being "friends" or anything like that, it won't help either of you move forward. CLEAN CUT.
As for the guy at work. Don't tell him anything about how you feel, yet. TAKE some time to be single. Figure out what you really want in a partner and relationship. you will need more than just a CUTE guy. And quite often "office romances" don't work out and make everything more awkward.
OP, if you can find ONE guy who cares about you, you can find another. There are AT LEAST 4,000,000 men your age group in the UK so thinking that you will NEVER find someone who cares about you... it's a little silly.
Take some time and enjoy being single. IF you talk to the guy at work you can subtly let him know you broke up with your BF. BUT I would make DARNED sure you don't make him think that you did it for him! And IF he then make a move GO super slow. If he doesn't, then I wouldn't push it.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (25 July 2018):
 I think first things first, you need to break up with your boyfriend in the nicest way possible because it's not right to treat him as a safety net. You know that's the right thing to do. Your heart says so, your instinct says so, and that is exactly what you should do without any further delay and without stringing him along any longer. You will feel so much better when you end this relationship...at least you will not be carrying the burden of lying to somebody and carrying on something just for the sake of it.
As regards the other guy, don't act on anything right now. Maybe for all you know you just find him attractive just because it's an escape from your dead relationship.
Also, don't get out of the present relationship thinking that you are going to get into another one. Leave so that you will be happy alone and so that your partner can be free to move on from his life. Having something going on with your colleague is not advisable.... It's like jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Give yourself time to heal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2018): Don't make your feelings clear to your colleague. I know you said that you might do that at some point after you've finished with your boyfriend, but don't do it, even then.If you want to go ahead and pursue this man at work, against the good advice of the others, then let it be known, casually, within ear shot of your friend at work, that your relationship with your boyfriend has terminated, or tell him that yourself, if you're close. But only in a general conversation type way. Imagine, that you let him know how you feel and he feels nothing of the kind back. That would be mortifyingly embarrassing! You have to let him know that you are single, in a casual manner and then see what happens from there. Let him do the chasing. Men spook easy! Sometimes they're just having a bit of a flirt, making work life a bit more interesting. If they then hear from the horse's mouth that there are stronger feelings they run for the hills! He may well like you a lot, but you have to let men come to realise this all by themselves. If 'feelings' are introduced into the mix too early, they back away. You have to make it so they come to you. And that they don't get you too easy. Let alone going up to them and making your feelings clear. He will not know (at the moment) what to do with that information. You can have fun and flirt with him, (though probably better if this is done out of work, at lunch or break), but leave him wanting more and don't ever put your cards on the table when it comes to feelings. Enjoy his company, but let him do the work and as far as he knows, you don't have any feelings towards him. Men enjoy the chase, not someone who is already caught, at their feet. That's a turn off. Take heed about the warnings about proceeding with all this at work. He might be fun, but you never know he might be a player, a charmer and once he's been out with you and bedded you, it's on to the next one. Then you have that horror to face every day at work. Or as Wise Owl said, flirting in the work place is frowned upon by the bosses who don't want their workers spending their time thinking about things other than work. Would you mind losing your job over all this? Also it was because of complaints from women that unwanted male attention in the work place is now a serious matter. And rightly so. We are not there for their entertainment. So you might need to think about that side of things before encouraging anything of this kind from him, at work. But as the others have said, it is only right that you finish your present relationship. I was in the same situation as you once. Engaged to such a lovely person, we got on brilliantly, I felt so safe, there was nothing to muddy the waters, all plain sailing. Until I met a man who blew my socks off. The sexual attraction was enormous and I loved his company. I suddenly realised that the man I was with was someone I really liked, not loved. Someone who protected me from the outside world. I had to finish it with him. I lost so much and he lost me, I had to start working again, in my late forties and rent somewhere to live. Scary stuff, but it had to be done. If you're not in the right place, it's only fair to end it, and then proceed with extreme caution with this other man, with no expectations whatsoever. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2018): Perhaps you are unaware, but it is totally irrational to be "in-love" with someone who doesn't know it. Fondness and magnetism towards a certain person are components of attraction; but it's a long way off from love. Sometimes people mistake obsession or an unhealthy-fixation for love.
At this point, it's an infatuation; and the feelings in such situations are fantasy, and not based on reality. In reality, both parties exchange feelings; and the feelings grow based on the reciprocity of deep-affection. He has to feel same as you feel. There has to be an actual connection existing between you. For now, it's all imaginary.
Your boyfriend is obviously also infatuated. Only he is under the impression that you are on the same page; as you have led him to believe you are. He's baby-sitting until a better prospect comes along.
You haven't been honest with him; and perhaps you've been using him as an alternative to loneliness. A safety-net between you and independence. Enjoying the benefit of feeling loved; but not being too bothered to give it in return. He'll do for now, until someone better comes along.
You will no-doubt disagree with all I've said; but it will not discredit the fact you haven't been honest with the guy you're with. If you know what love truly is. Then the fair thing to do, is to let him go; so he can pursue it elsewhere. You're being selfish. Holding him as an emotional-hostage, to protect yourself from being alone.
Using his feelings for you like a parasite. That's not fair.
It's very popular these days for people to sling the word "love" around without substantive evidence or proof of its existence.
Love is not an emotion to to take lightly; and it can't exist unless you have the minimum of two involved. Just one, is infatuation. Infatuation is sometimes based on a crush; or the premise of hope and wishful-thinking. It's safer to believe you are attracted to the other guy; and you would like to get to know him to explore the possibilities. Until such time, you have no idea if he even will feel as you do. He could be physically-attracted; but have no interest or emotional-connection whatsoever.
It's never wise dating where you work. What if he takes advantage of your feelings, and things go wrong? Then you have to face him everyday of your workweek. Your personal-issues will spillover into your professional-life. As a boss myself, I don't stand for that nonsense. I'd terminate you both! I don't need the liability, nor the drama when work is about the bottom-line. Which is making money! You don't get paid to have love-spats on the job!
I'm offering you the benefit of wisdom. Young people sometimes let their hormones or sense of entitlement overrule common-sense and practicality.
Don't get me wrong. Regardless of age, we all tend to act impetuously on impulse; when it comes to our feelings.
Experience will change that, through trial and error. Some people just grow older, none-the wiser.
Your job is where you earn your income. Your co-workers are not your convenient dating-pool. Mixing your personal-life with your professional-life is a risky deal. When you're in your early 20's; you don't usually have the experience and better-judgement to separate the two. All you see are single-people; all there for the pickings, like a single's bar. Easy-fishing in a barrel. Acting on a whim or an impulse. Putting your job in the middle of it. That, my dear, doesn't show prudence or professionalism. During a time when so many women complain that they don't want to be harassed; and want men to leave them alone, and let them work!
Men and women address our emotions differently. Keeping your love-life and your career separate is always a good practice. Let's say you hookup; and that's it! His indifference to your feelings will drive you insane. You will be totally offended; and where you are at the time will make no difference. If you react indifferently to him; he will act on his ego. Nobody likes rejection. Then the games begin!
How can you make your feelings clear to your colleague, whom you have never even dated? You don't have the nerve to tell your boyfriend you don't love him. Where is all this courage coming from; to tell some guy what your feelings are for him, who doesn't have a clue?
Let your boyfriend go. He'll get over it, and you'll be honest with yourself. Don't hold-on to someone's feelings for your safety and convenience. He deserves better than that.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 July 2018):
 This is not an "either/or" situation. It is not a case of being either with one guy or the other.
Your poor boyfriend deserves more than you can give him. Also, YOU deserve to be with someone who you love deeply and passionately, not someone who you don't find attractive. If you were in later years, it might be different. Focus then could be more on companionship. However, at your age, you need to find yourself someone who you feel deeply for. What sort of a future do you envisage with your boyfriend? If you already don't feel any attraction to him, how will you feel 5 years, 10 years or 20 years down the line?
Be fair to yourself AND him and end the relationship, cleanly but kindly. No need to mention you have feelings for someone else as they are not "real" at this point. They are just infatuation. Tell him that, much as you cherish him as a friend, you cannot see a future for the two of you together, and that you both deserve better.
As for the guy at work, you may find that, once you have ended your relationship with your boyfriend, you may not be quite so attracted to this guy. He sounds like a much needed distraction from your safe but unsatisfying relationship. Be careful about getting involved with a work colleague; if things go wrong, it can be awkward to carry on working in the same company.
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