A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I still have feelings for an ex I dated over 7 years ago. She was the first girl I dated and we broke up because I was a jealous person. Over the past 7 years I’ve dated other girls and I’m in a relationship now however I regularly think about my ex, she even appears regularly in dreams I have. We aren’t really in contact now other than the odd instagram like or snapchat here and there. The fact I still think of her makes me think I shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone else but then how am I supposed to move forward? I have no idea why I still think of her after all this time and I’m looking for advice on what to do to get over her and how to deal with my current relationship.
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broke up, jealous, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2018): I was in a relationship that lasted 28 years. I was in-love with this person since the age of 16! He died from cancer; and I still love him, and have dreams about him. You don't stop loving people; but when you have parted for whatever reason or circumstances, you have to make yourself move on.
I was celibate, and refused to date a year after my partner's passing. I couldn't find anyone who made me feel the way I felt when he was with me. I guess sometimes it takes a while for those feelings to subside. I dated occasionally, if asked; but never felt any connection. I was just going through the motions like you are. I had yet to let go of what I didn't have anymore.
Here's what I discovered that was keeping me from overcoming the grief, and prolonging my emotional-shutdown. I was trying to find a clone of my partner. I needed to feel the same feelings he made me feel. I wanted to see his face, and recapture the life we had that was cut-short. I went through a series of blind-dates setup by friends. I met wonderful attractive-men; but nothing! A couple are still my closest friends to this day; but I never had intimacy with either of them.
I finally met someone. All those dormant-feelings came-alive; and this person was nothing like my deceased partner. He was spontaneous, wild, fun-loving, and a free-spirit. We traveled and we had a grand time. I guess it ran its course; and he blindsided and dumped me! I give him credit for bringing my heart back to life. Letting me feel like myself and feeling love in my heart again.
I sulked and brooded; and went through the misery you go through after a breakup. Eventually, I found someone else. Unlike the first two. He is extraordinary, and unique! Our love has now reached five years of bliss! I had to let go of my first-love. It was 28 years in the making; so letting-go was not easy, my friend. I feel you on that!
Stop looking for her replacement, and appreciate who you're with for their own unique qualities. You have to stop viewing that ex as some lost prized-possession. Your feelings were wrong then, and they're wrong now! You placed her up on a pedestal and worshiped her like a goddess. You were only a boy at that time. You're now a man, and you should have outgrown your tender-love stage. I had to.
Give new-love a chance, and break-free of the past. She's not yours anymore.
I don't think trying to rekindle anything will work. She's not who she was seven years ago, nor are you. You were young and infatuated with the "idea" of her beauty, and perceived perfection. That was all in the imagination of an adolescent boy. She was a possession. If she left you then; and realized you still obsess over her. I don't think she'd want to be a part of that anymore. Mainly because it is unhealthy. It may be fine in romance novels and movie dramas; but in reality, it's a cry for help.
If you can't get over the obsession; than you're a candidate for professional counseling. Seven years is way too long.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 July 2018):
 You are stuck on the IDEA of who she was, not who she really is today.
7 years (especially in your late teens -early 20's) equates a LOT of growing, maturing, making and (hopefully) learning from mistakes.
SHE is not the girl woman you remember to think she is. You have over the years placed her up on this pedestal of the "perfect woman for you" and THAT is not who she is. Doesn't mean she is bad or a crap person - but how YOU see her is not who she is. Or was. You carry a "vision" or "ideal" of who you WANT her to be or think she could be.
As for your current relationship, maybe what you need to do is END that and spend some time figuring out what you want in a partner instead of living this little fantasy thing where NO woman can compare to this ex.
It's NOT really fair to your current GF that you "secretly" compare her to this "magical" ex.
It's NOT uncommon that ones first BIG love stays with us, in our hearts and minds for the rest of our lives. Especially if they were a positive experience and made a HUGE GOOD impression in our lives. Not strange at all. But like your FIRST ride on a roller-coaster or trip to Disneyland (or wherever) they should be a GOOD memory not an obsession. And yes, I think you are obsessed with what you THINK you could have had, if the two of you had worked out. THAT is not reality.
It's like the notion that "Happily Ever After" is reality. That once you say: "I do" at the alter, everything coming after that is just cotton candy, unicorns and rainbow. that riding off into the sunset with the person of your dreams is it! It's not. Because after the sunset it gets hella dark, you horse might stumble, you might take the "wrong" path... etc etc.
Life isn't that linear.
Did you work on that reasons WHY you were such a jealous person? Have you overcome that issue? Or do you drag that with you into ALL your relationships?
Being stuck on this ex for 7 years have HELD YOU back from forming DEEP and MEANINGFUL relationships, where you want to admit it nor not. Because the EX have been you WANTED to be with but you "settled" for whichever girl you dated at the time.
So in the FACT that you aren't over her (or the IDEA of her) means you are hurting yourself. Even if, you could date her again it might not work out because YOUR idea of her might not really align with reality, SHE would fall short of the VERSION of her you carry around in your mind.
So is she on your mind so much because you believe SHE is the ONE who got away, this "perfect" GF? OR because you have NOT been able to deal with the ISSUE (your jealousy and perhaps insecurities back in the day) - thus you are STUCK "worshiping" this ex.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 July 2018):
 If your heart is not in your current relationship, then you need to end things instead of stringing someone along.
I suspect the reasons you still think/dream of your first girlfriend are probably 3-fold. Firstly, she was your first girlfriend, so will always hold a special place in your heart. Secondly, you don't appear to have found anyone who is right for you, hence you will fantasize about "the one that got away". Lastly, you probably realize that YOU screwed up and you wonder if you could give it a better go second time around.
Have you got to grips with your jealousy? If not, then you should work on that before entertaining any other relationships.
Once you are a free agent, there is nothing to stop you dropping your ex a line and suggesting meeting up for a drink and a catch-up. Her reaction to the suggestion will tell you whether there is any chance for the two of you.
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