A
female
age
41-50,
*aniella_82
writes:Hi, I'm in love with a married man and i need to spell it out!At first i didn't know he was married. we dated for 6 months and then i found out he was married. At that time I couldn't even suspect that he was married since he was spending all his time with me.I left him right when i knew. I was strong enough to do it. one week later he came over to my place. When i saw him it was like a dream!i didn't know that this relation took that much from me. And i didn't know that i was this much attached to that man.anyway we get back. but since i'm not convinced with his story i left him again. two weeks later we're back.. and this was going on for the past six months.What he says: He's married for 3 years and has a son. his relation with his wife was not good since the beginning. he never loved her he says, he married her because he thought she's a good woman and they can make a family. but he found out that he can't live with her, he can't touch her, he's not happy with her... bla bla bla..they are now separated. she lives with her mother and he lives in his house. but not yet divorced.he says that he's not cheating on her since he tried to go on with his marriage and when he felt that it's not possible he told her so and started to go out with other girls.I don't know what to believe or what to do. sometimes i feel that life is too short to leave someone i love this much, and sometimes I feel that it's a total waste of my time and i'm not going anywhere with this.I have many questions:- if he don't love his wife, and they are separated, and he is spending 90% of his time with me the past year, why isn't he divorced yet? (he says that things take time since it's a religious marriage)- if he divorced and we got married, is it possible that he will cheat on me? (he says no but if things didn't go well between us he will tell me and we will try to solve it if things were not solved we will stop our relation)- is it better to leave him now without entering in all his complicated life? Or is it better to work on this relation since we like and love each other?can you give me your answers?Thanks..
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (6 August 2010):
You said: "i feel more happy when i see him upset. Why do i still need to have such a response from his side?"
Because you still like him and want his attention, be it through a nice or nasty way.
Seriously, I would stop playing around and cut the contact. Upsetting him to make yourself feel better isn't really nice. I don't care what a jerk he is, but you shouldn't follow in his footsteps by acting like one yourself. That would turn you into a hypocrite and you don't want that, do you?
Sorry to be harsh, but you got plenty of sensible advice. You seem to have realised he's not the guy for you, that he's bad news and now you're still prancing around trying to provoke a reaction out of him. To me it sounds like you're still conning yourself and trying to invent a reason to stay around him, be it good or bad. Trying to match up to him, acting 'tough' actually means you're lowering yourself to his level. And it's like they say:
"don't lower yourself to the level of an idiot. He will beat you with experience."
Your choice.
A
female
reader, Daniella_82 +, writes (6 August 2010):
Daniella_82 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni feel more happy when i see him upset.
and i'm acting like i'm very happy and in good shape in front of him to make him feel bad. (although some days i feel i'm dying inside)
is that wrong?
he still a liar and a player. and i still (logically) don't want such person in my life.
than why do i still need to have such a response from his side?
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A
female
reader, Daniella_82 +, writes (30 July 2010):
Daniella_82 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks Tisha for the link!
i'm pretty sure that it's an addiction and it will pass..
but my problem is that i like to solve things in my head first.. and i think a lot, all the time, about everything that passed and happened :(
I'm really tired of that! but i feel like if there's a clue i need to find to solve things out.
probably when i'm sober i won't think about things the way i am now..
But for now I feel that i'm in a mine field!
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (29 July 2010):
 What is there to lie about for you?
If you don't want him in your life, tell him so, then get back to work. Refuse every one of his advances even if he says it's "harmless" and "innocent". Even coffee should be off limits with this cheating scoundrel.
And if it becomes too much to bear you can always sue him for workplace harassment - you can do that in the U.S. right?
The real lie is the one you tell yourself when you allow him to work his magic on you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010): There is no reason to be in contact with him. Cut him out of your life, I don't care what he tells you don't listen, he will tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear. You already don't trust him with good reason, you can't be with someone you don't trust.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 July 2010):
 Just blank him. Blank face. Blank bland replies. Blank blank blank.I found this great link which might explain why you're feeling that rollercoaster thing you described. It's a chemical addiction problem, you see, and you just need a little time to let it pass.http://www.aolhealth.com/2010/07/23/researchers-identify-why-breaking-up-is-hard-to-do/Think of this as your rehab. You'll have good days and bad days, but if you are on the path to sobriety, you're aimed in the right direction. Stop worrying about what he perceives about you. It doesn't matter. He's a lying married man and his opinion of you doesn't matter one single solitary iota. IT DOESN'T MATTER. Blank. Blah. Bland. That's all he needs to get from you.
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A
female
reader, Daniella_82 +, writes (29 July 2010):
Daniella_82 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshould i try to hide this from him?
i'm not so good in lying :S
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A
female
reader, Daniella_82 +, writes (29 July 2010):
Daniella_82 is verified as being by the original poster of the question| off-balance | Upset | Scared | Angry | Lost |
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (25 July 2010):
Think of the pain of cutting him off in the same way as getting a tumor removed from your body. The surgery makes you hurt more in the short term but after that part is over you're left with no infection and a healthy body.
When you felt relief after dumping this guy you took the first step in reclaiming your self-respect. I'm sure you feel a bit off-balance nonetheless, but that comes from leaving your comfort zone. Much like riding a roller coaster for the first time or staring down a double-black ski run. However, you have now given yourself a chance to find a new comfort zone that places your self-respect at the forefront. Enjoy what is to come!
Good luck and take care!
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A
female
reader, Daniella_82 +, writes (25 July 2010):
Daniella_82 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhehe.. yea the next shitload of lies Oh my god! he's trying again and he's not even ashamed that i found out that he was lying! this man is unbelievable!well my feeling when i cut him off was "relieved".but i'm going now through a phase of pain i'm trying to get back my confidence in myself.. trying to go on..i know that it will pass (after some months, years?? .. and i'm trying to do things that makes me distracted from thinking about him.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (24 July 2010):
Here comes the next shitload of lies...
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (21 July 2010):
Cut him out.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 July 2010):
 Outsmart him and cut him off from your life.
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A
female
reader, Daniella_82 +, writes (21 July 2010):
Daniella_82 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionokay..
he's now trying to be the friend who is very supportive and who cares a lot about me.
not bad! he's smart..
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (21 July 2010):
If you are willing to share, describe the first feeling you had when you ended it. That is all the preparation you need when he comes crawling back with a different shitload of lies that will (not surprisingly) smell the same as the first shitload.
As for not finding love somewhere else, there are over 6 billion people alive at this very moment in the world. Consider that if only 1 percent of people in a country of 300 million are compatible with you, that is still 3 million people for you! Let him shovel his crap on some other woman - you don't need that when there are 3 million who could honestly make you happy. Good luck and take care.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): He's obviously not bringing honesty to your life, and you dont need that crap. Yo udeserve an honest man. People can be screwed up at times and go through difficult times. Not everyone who cheats or stays separated is a psycho or a bad person. Love, realtionships and divorce are VERy hard, emotional and complicated things. They often overlap. And cheating, depite what people here allude to, is NOT a lifestyle. People dont stay cheaters al;l the time. But this guy is playing you. It's pretty obvious. It is in his blood to do so. You are better off moving on.
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A
female
reader, Daniella_82 +, writes (20 July 2010):
Daniella_82 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionit's been a week we split out (again)
the reason is that he lied again :S
and u're right, lie after lie after lie, it's not that complicated anymore!
i told him that he's a fake and i don't want him anymore.
since we work together i can't avoid seeing him or speaking to him which is worst :(
I know he'll come back and i'm trying to be prepared when he does.
I also know that he will use all of his weapons and excuses to convince me that it's true love and i won't find it somewhere else...
any tips there?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 July 2010):
I don't know about all the legalities, but this guy is certainly NOT making himself available for a wedding/marriage with you.
I think the problem is that he doesn't want to marry you. If he really wanted to marry you, he'd make it happen.
I think you should spend the few hundred dollars it would cost to discuss the situation with an attorney in your county. You'd get a clear picture of what would need to happen and wouldn't be confused by the married man's options or difficulties as he's reporting them to you. Obviously, you have this meeting with the attorney without your man. Though it might be interesting to see how he'd react at being invited. It could be VERY instructive as to his true situation and mindset.
Me? I'd put myself back on the dating market. Married man has had more than enough time to work things out. Tens of thousands of men who have been in similar circumstances have found a way. Maybe you can find another one who actually IS divorced and actually available for a legal marriage.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (16 July 2010):
I say confront the "wife". I'm sure she'll clear all of this up, then take out the garbage that is this guy.
Lie after lie after lie - it's not that complicated.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 July 2010):
Hey Q- you are a genius , ( or probably you speak better English than I :)- You said in few words what I really was struggling to explain.
If the wedding is recorded at the county clerk's office - then he can divorce ,( he'll be a sinner for his Church but hey, you can't please them all ).
If the wedding is not recorded, then he's officially still single.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 July 2010):
You know what Q ? You are just being funny , but here we DO have a choco-chestnut spread that is called precisely Maronite. No disrespect meant , just quirks of the language.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 July 2010):
No sorry, maybe I am being stubborn but I still think there is some confusion between religion and law.
- Maronite church is in formal communion with Roman Catholic Church since 1182 ! and it is the only Eastern Christian Church to be entirely Catholic ( only the liturgy is different ). So from a spiritual, religious perspective, whatever he does, your guy will always be married because for the Catholic Church marriages cannot be dissolved.
- legally, there are two possibilities:
- either this wedding, has never been transcribed and registered in a registry office ( or whatever is the correct name in USA ) so your bf results single and unmarried,
-or it HAS been transcribed with all the civil and legal effects of a marriage, effects that are going to be terminated by divorce,no matter what his religion is.
I think the costly and lengthy procedure you are referring to is not divorce but annullment by an Ecclesiastic Court ( to cancel also the religious obligations of the marriage )- same as ,for instance, Princess Caroline of Monaco did to be able to get re-married in Church, and that does cost a fortune and takes up to 10 or 15 years .
Anyway, if I were you I would like to know exactly what is what and i would not be too content with a generic " it's complicated "...
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A
female
reader, Daniella_82 +, writes (15 July 2010):
Daniella_82 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThey only had a religious marriage, they didn't do a civil one. and in this case divorce may take years in the maronite church (unless you have lot of money). and if one of the two don't want to divorce than it's no way to get a divorce.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (15 July 2010):
Are you aware that every minute you spend with this cheater causes more damage and hurt to his son?
I suspect that your inner voice is struggling to be heard through the lies you tell yourself. If you cannot end this unhealthy relationship for the sake of your self-respect, then consider ending it as a selfless act for the sake of an innocent child.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (15 July 2010):
"i thought that why is he doing this to his wife? i don't think she deserves this at all.."
That sounds like your inner voice talking. He introduces you to other people as his fiancée yet he is still legally married. If this makes sense to you, please explain how.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 July 2010):
Things take time because it was a religious marriage ?..
What's that supposed to mean. Divorce puts an ends to the civil effects of marriage,not the religious ones. Therefore it takes exactly the same amount of time terminating a marriage that has been celebrate only at City hall as one which has been celebrated in a church or temple or any place of cult.
there are thousands of people who get married ,for instance,in a catholic Church and then file for divorce. It takes exactly the same identical time for them to be legally single again as for people who got married by a civil servant only. ( because for the Church is a moot point anyway, in the eyes of the Church once you get married the first time you are married forever ). In the eyes of the law ,it's a different story -the law does not care where and how you got married, at least in all the countries ,like USA, where there's separation between the State and its powers and the Curch and its powers.
If I were you,I'd perk my ears up...
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A
female
reader, Daniella_82 +, writes (15 July 2010):
Daniella_82 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni thought about his wife..
i thought that why is he doing this to his wife? i don't think she deserves this at all..
but then he told me that they agreed to have each one his life and that's why they are separated..
am i stupid to believe this? should i contact her to know the truth?
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (14 July 2010):
"one more thing, he tells people we meet that i'm his fiancee.."
Well, is he telling the truth?
If he is not, then tell us the first thought that came to mind when you heard him say this. Don't filter, don't analyze, just tell us the first thought. That will be your inner voice talking, the one you seem to be able to ignore.
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A
female
reader, Daniella_82 +, writes (14 July 2010):
Daniella_82 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionone more thing, he tells people we meet that i'm his fiancee..
is that a good or bad sign??
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A
female
reader, Daniella_82 +, writes (14 July 2010):
Daniella_82 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
Thanks all for your answers.. i have few more questions..
I had many relations in the past but i never had a crush from the first sight on anyone else. With this man the moment i looked at him i felt that it's something different. i don't say that it's love from the first sight, but it's really rare to find people that attracts you from the first moment you see them.
When we are angry from each other, in the middle of the fight we look at each other and realize we're fighting, our eyes hangs together and we have this smile..
most of you will feel it's stupid and none-sense but what i mean is that i'm not sure that i will ever find anyone with whom i will have this feeling.
I know that i can't accept to settle in this situation at all, but how can i overcome the feeling that i'm loosing a love or feeling that i might not find again?
Another question, can a man be in love and lie at the same time?
Thanks again..
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (14 July 2010):
Oh, there is a third option if he can't choose either of the ones you gave him. You end it for good because by not choosing he is showing how little he respects you, his wife, and women in general.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (14 July 2010):
I'm with maverick494 - he disrespects his wife and marriage in your presence. What do you think is going to happen when you become stale and uninteresting to him next year?
You are in control here; give him a choice. Either he waits until he can show you a divorce settlement before resuming a relationship with you or he can walk away for good. Words out of his mouth are meaningless and dangerous - you can only rely on the actions he takes that you can see with your own eyes. Good luck and take care.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (13 July 2010):
- Are you sure he's separated? Or has he just been thrown out and is he using you until he can win her back?
- There is a huge chance that he will cheat on you. Remember, this is a man who claimed he never loved his wife, and has cheated on her and his son. Pretty cold.
- Yes, it's better to end it now. You can't trust him, and you'll never be able to trust him. What if you have a kid an he cheats on you and hurts you? Which he will.
The rule about married men is that you shouldn't touch them. He's a cheat, pure and simple. He could have never married his wife if he never loved her. Instead, he married her and treated her this way. Not a good sign. Because that means one of two things. Either he lied and is still in love with her. Or he really is that cold hearted.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (13 July 2010):
Okay, I have some experience with this. A year ago, I fell in love with a guy. We took it slow, hung out and it was going great until he slipped up his single act and was wearing a ring during our night out. I told him to spill the beans and it turned out he was married!
I ended it right then and there. I knew that if he hadn't slipped up and we'd be going on like we did, he would have cheated on his wife with me and I wasn't about to fall into that trap.
Don't con yourself. If after just 3 years the marriage is already stale enough for him to look for the greener grass, something's up.
1. The fact he's making up excuses about not being able to divorce her means he wants to keep her and date you on the side. The best of both worlds.
2. If he divorces her (which I doubt) he will cheat on you after he's gotten bored and spotted another pretty girl.
3. The fact he says he doesn't love his wife and doesn't speak highly of her reflects the way he will treat you if you stick by him. I judge men from the way they treat women in their life. If they're nasty to them for seemingly no good reason, why would they treat you any better?
So to answer your questions: this man is no good and you'd be best to run as fast as you can away from this manipulative guy. Don't get into this mess. You'll thank yourself later.
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