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anonymous
writes: Hi, i hope you can help me out of this absurd situation.i fell in love with a guy i work with in the same office, he is married, with two kids. out of guilt we both called it a very close friendship, then he called me his soul mate and then his everlasting love... we went from friends to lovers and very intimate. we have very similar likes and dislikes and over one hundred sms's are sent most days. its nearly one and a half years since i know him, and even tho there are very complicated issues, our good times together have been blissful.the complications are the fact that he is married, and he claims he loves his wife. because of our religion, he anyway would be unable to marry me, and he does not regret his decision to marry her, although if he could he would definatly leave her for me. he is 24 I am 20, his wife is 30. she is no great shakes, characterwise and appearancewise, and nor is he, but i fell in love with his character and warmth..he tells me explicitly about his marriage and is forever sending me emails of imaginary scenes of us living together etc etcI am not a very trusting person and at first was very doubtful about all of it...but i came to trust him very much and love him like i have never loved before.but i know there is no point in this relationship if he is taken and even tho its something i hold dearest, its pointless.only last week, after a very difficult heated argument, he made a decision that we will stop being lovers and start being friends. he claimed this was for me, so that i can start getting on with my life and he did this cos he loves me and cares... i was broken, cried and cried i couldnt fuction, i am still very shocked but i knew he wont cope without me, because he is very clingy, many times he is too clingy. and yes after all my tears and reasoning i said, fine you want this then give me my space, dont come visit dont bug me with your messages. he couldnt take that, he behaved so immature and said im ripping his heart out.Im so stuck now, i really do want to get out of this and start my own life with someone special but, its so hard because im still so attached, but have lost trust in him. i dont understand any of this. when i am with him, like yesterday, we were so happy together, i tried desperatly hard not to express any passionate feelings, he actually couldnt control himself and did express it. he also felt happier because he was in a state since that decision. I know that when im in a bad mood he gets into one and when im happy he is, so yesterday we were fine and when in the evening he didnt contact me for a good two hours i knew he is busy with his wife. it hurts but i know its not my business, i just feel so used and im trying so hard to understand and forgive and im not really gaining anything in return. i know that when we are not ok and were in a fight, he does not get hot and is very unhappy, so i know im the one that needs to keep him content so that he should be able to function normally and love his wife and get on with his work and day to day schedule... and so today, he is not coming to visit because he is busy, he is working from home, and i am alone in an empty office, and i once again have those mistrusting let down feelings which is painfull, but i know i have to keep him happy even tho im sad... where do i go from here????im sorry this is so long but i wanted to share details aswell... please give me some practical advice, what should be my next step.Many many thanks
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male
reader, TheSource  +, writes (23 April 2013):
To be completely honest, the way this society has evolved into a mainly monogamistic society, many people do not understand that someone could have such deep feelings for more than one person. I myself am married, but I do still have in my heart the bond of love with an ex. I am trustworthy and loyal as they come. I love my wife, but to be honest, when I was together with my ex, that love did run much deeper, which hurt more when it was broken off, mainly due to distance. I am still friends with my ex, and nothing more. I don't think about getting back together with my ex, but once in a blue moon I'll think back about how much love was in that relationship, and i'll break down. I'll have a good cry about it, but also, I tell my wife everything. i am transparent with her about my feelings and anything that I may do or say to others. I still talk to that ex on facebook. My wife and I are both friends with her, and whenever she and I chat, I share it with my wife. At first, she was a little wary, as one rightly should be about their spouse talking to old flames, but over time she realised that my relationship with my ex is purely friendship. Like I said, I don't dwell on that old relationship, but sometimes feelings well up, I mean the relationship I had was really deep, a very strong connection. Those don't just go away. If you truly loved someone that deeply, the love doesn't leave you, but how you cope and how you teach yourself to move on is crucial. Again, monogamy is somewhat silly. Your mind and instincts are designed to get you to pass on your genes as much as possible. It is built in. But the world sees multiple partners as immoral. They say you can't really truly love more than one person that deep. It is false. Don't believe them. There is no reason other than social pressures and expectations that would not allow such emotions to be there. Relationships start, then evolve. depending on how you treat your relationship with someone, it can evolve from friendship, to lovers, and even back to friendship. All it takes is a little strength.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): Get the heck away from married men. Do you have absolutely no respect for yourself? As for other women, where is your solidarity?If you think this man is mistreated then he is a wimp for not leaving his wife, otherwise, believe me he is quite happy in his marriage and won't give it up for you. You are a toy. Men are pigs and you are one too for playing their games, remember, if they are cheating on this wife they will cheat on you too. Why not be part of the solution and not give men the toy to play with than being the problem? Gain some respect for yourself and WOMEN all over the world.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2013): Some relationships can be addictive. As long as each person is getting his or her "pound of flesh" no harm, but as soon as someone feels they getting short end of stick, then there are problems. Everyone in this situation has to have big heart for it to work, otherwise everyone in pain, but the easiest way to get over it, is get a new boyfriend, the best way, cease contact.
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female
reader, foolsrush  +, writes (5 May 2012):
Hi. My love to you all. We are all in a similar situation. My relationship is in such a dark place. Yes, it did make me feel wanted for a while but truthfully, for selfish reasons. Yes, it was exciting as all first few moments, but is now leading to a dead romance. I crave for the excitement as if it can never happen with anybody else ... but I tell myself 'It can'. And even if it won't, I will never have it with that man again, anyway. And even if it will be exciting again with him, where can it ever lead to? Nowhere! because he will never leave his family. Eventually, he will probably find somebody else for a new excitement to replace me.
He and his wife and his future girlfriends deserve each other. They will spend their lives in a trap, wanting to perpetuate this selfish rush that will just fade away eventually.
Well I say, I don't want to be a part of it anymore. It's a waste of what little time I have left. I deserve somebody who will desire me. Someone who I can introduce to my beloved friends and family to share my happiness with them. And if it will be a good relationship, it will become better through the years. Not like this one. This dark relationship has become sour. I don't deserve it because all I gave was kindness, understaning, unconditional love. I could have given all that to somebody else, who can love me back the same way.
But I fear there is no one else out there for me. Though I have a hunch the world is really a lonely place. Maybe most people are like me, and I just need to open my eyes. And if there is no one there for me, it should be alright. shouldn't it? After all, wanting to be loved is purely selfish. We should want to love others. And it is in loving that we can find lasting joy.
Looking back, I should have treasured the real treasures that pass me by everyday, instead of focusing on wanting this selfish rush. Friendships that I could have made more time for, reaching out to those who are really in need, my wonderful job that allows me to be the best creative and helpful person. It has taken a while to become what I am now, even though I am just average, and at times a wreck. I owe it all to my sisters, parents, my good friends and colleagues at work. Unfortunately, on many occassions, I have turned a blind eye to opportunites to thank them and return the love. And all because I was engrossing myself in this foolish relationship.
Life would be better because of acknowledgement to kindness, even just a little bit. Life would be better if we are the best that we can be at work, at home, with friends and family. After all, it is this invisible envelope of life that is worth living for. The one that unfolds layers of joy if we allow it to.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): I have responded below in this thread and will now again: i know you All know this already but i just want to share again: Its so easy for a mistress to believe that the married man's wife is her enemy: a mistress always believes that she is better than her lovers wife and vice versa. When will mistresses and wives come to a realistic understanding that they are both hoodwinked by the man.Look bottom line: mistresses should know to steer clear of a married man. If a man is married, go prowl elsewhere. Very simple. You have a choice and if you still choose to have an emotional and sexual affair with a married man, then you pay the price. Yes you may want to believe you are a victim: may garner lots of sympathy but you knew what you were doing from the word go. So stop crying now that your married man has opted to stay with his wife. Try to find out whether your time together was real: or was it stolen times from his wife: secret phone calls, emails, meeting up for the sexual thrills, the kinky sex, the forbidden. Look some women (and men too) thrive on this. They are unable to maintain a "normal" relationship. For them the high of an illicit relationship is the key. They believe that they are better than the mans wife, so the more exciting the sex, the more forbidden the sex, the more the married man comes back for more, more ,more. He is in lust, the mistress is in lust, ecstacy and the plans to finally be together..... Happily ever after. Burn the *itch wife and live and love forever? Right? ....The Wife: so easy to believe the husbands lies. Its easier to believe that the betrayer is the mistress and not the husband. The mistress becomes the target. Yes the mistress is definately wrong for keeping the married man when she knows that he is married But sometimes she doesnt know he is married. Wives too fall into the trap of only blaming mistresses. Look at the man in your bed: he is the crook: the user and the abuser. Yes he wants the thrills of sexual freedom with his lover but also may never allow himself to want anything more with her. The wife is also in a catch 22: has to think about the kids, the home dynamics she and her husband has built, saving face and also the love she has for the Cheater.The Married man: the cats whiskers really: divide and conquer. Lie and lie until you are caught. Then shift blame. Have your fun: enjoy your sexual shenanigans. Make empty promises knowing that you have no intention whatsoever of keeping them. Make the lover believe she is the "One", she understand you, she just gets you, sex with her is so much better, steal time to be with her to USE her knowing that you only want the free sex she provides. Then with the wife: pretend to be upright, solid husband, slogging to provide for the family. Half hearted attempts to make right with the wife and kids. Then sneak out.....UNTIL you make a decision for YOURSELF!!!! You then decide where you can score. Where you lose the least. Where you benefit the most. Where YOU remain the victor.....hey and TRUST is a major thing for you....Im sure everyone remembers the story i have relayed time and time again: my brother is still with his lover, 11th year now. Waltz into his lovers home. Eats what she provides Both figuratively and literally. Pacifies her. Makes her feel special. Threatens to end it and vice versa. Still talks sh1t about his wife. That shes a nag, doesnt understand him, the sex is boring, kids are the only reason he stays and life goes on until he goes home.... To the same wife whom he complaints bitterly about. He is jealous if any other man looks at his wife. He expects her to dress down and to be Respectable. Keep the family honour. He TRUSTS his wife totally with his finances, his business, his LIFE. I repeat: My brother is very possessive, very jealous of his wife. He doesnt allow her to have any friendship with any other man. She must only be with him when they go out. She must maintain his image of a respectable family man: yes, he expects this.....his LIE continues. I have very open discusssions with my brother about his Wife And Mistress: he will never leave his wife And kids for the mistress. He has built a bigger home for them a few years back. He invested in his "family life". He doesnt tell his mistress his True thoughts: that if she can cheat with him, she can cheat on him. She is only good enough for the good times, flat on her back and for the pampering. She believes his wife is a right royal witch, that his wife is a nag, coercing her great love to still be married. What his mistress doesnt know is this: my brother has made a deliberate choice. He has seperated his thoughts. His feelings. His actions. He controls both these women. He dictates the terms of their lives. He determines their future (his wife is clueless of his affair: she believes that her husband is the best thing since sliced bread) . He juggles two lifestyles: to his Mistress All is well: the reality is this: His health is suffering. He is tired of juggling 2 lifestyles. He is scared he may lose his precious family one day. He knows his Mistress is Not going anywhere. Hey she settled for his stolen times for 11 years now. He knows his Mistress has resigned herself to just being available for him only when he has time to sneak oof. He knows his Mistress has lost 11 years of her life and he knows that she will believe anything and Everything he tells her. Everytime he pulls back the Mistress hooks him in again. She dangles what she knows he wants. Then makes him feel guilty. He is more worried about losing his WIFE one day than his Mistress. Makes you think doesnt it. Sorry everyone at DC: im rambling. Dont know why i decided to answer this thread again. Maybe something that just needed to be said Again. I just feel that these Affairs can be avoided if people just have Self Respect. Women know that the man is married YET they fully, knowingly and purposefully take another womans husband, hoping and doing everything in heir power to get the man to leave his wife. My note to Lovers/Mistresses is this: Married Men stay with their Wives because They CHOOSE to. They stay because they want to: After everything is said and Done, Married men are selfish, they use, abuse, manipulate, shift blame, they do what they want. If Women do not want a messed up existence then stay away from Married Men. When you Choose Not to do this, then dont expect sympathy and understanding because you chose to break Rule No.1. Simple? YES IT IS. Sorry i have rambled on and on.... But if you took at least 3 points from this im happy. My insightful conversations with my adulterous brother has taught me this: Married men have affairs because they can.Because there is a willing participantBecause it suits themBecause they are Selfish and deceitful.Because they love to believe their own liesWill they leave their Spouse for their Lovers? Almost most definately Not. They may be adulterers but they are not stupid!!!!The list goes on(The same is for married Women who have affairs as well).
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female
reader, Chantilly  +, writes (23 April 2012):
Hi, this msg is to blue64. I just want to thank you for your msg. Since my last post I went into a deep depression or as my diagnosis trauma emotional shock which caused a hernia in back. It has only been 1 week that I am finally starting to be able to function again. 3 months have past since my last post and to my surprise you wrote to me such kind words and insight so Thank you. I have accepted the outcome and finally found a way to forgive him so I can finally move on and wow to my amazement I started to feel less pain. I found a place and comfort in my mind heart and soul for what I shared with him and how real it was for me. I hope your recovery is going well and that your wish comes true or that someone better will come to you. :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): Dear "In love with a married man",First let me say this,you make yourself sound pathetic.You of all people have no right to comment on whether or not his wife is good looking or a wonderful person or not,as you are clearly short on morals. Did someone at some time tell you that you were above everyone else. Wake up,men cheat all the time. Mark my words,if he will cheat with you he will cheat on you!!!! He would NOT leave his wife for you if he had the chance. Think,use your rational brain,marriage is not a life sentence where they throw away the key,if he wanted to be with you he could,it is a free world. He is playing you like a violin!!!The only reason he is setting you free for "you" is because he wants to be free of the hassle that comes from having more than one woman to keep happy. Most men sad to say have a hard time keeping one woman happy. Statistics show that affairs have a shelf life of 4-6 months. If you were to get him away from his wife and have him full time, you would soon tire of him and his clingy, immature ways.Remember in an affair it is not like real life,his wife has to deal with him regarding issues with the children,the bills,the mortgage,the fact that he is a lying cheating a-hole,that is as real as life can get!!! You,you just have play time! You say your religion would not allow you to be married to him, word to the wise, re-examine your commitment to your faith, All women should stick together for each other,there are good men out there you know. Why not straighten up and fly right and stop this behavior?Treat people as you would want to be treated,basic human kindness goes a long way and you could hold your head up high again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): Dear "In love with a married man",
First let me say this,you make yourself sound pathetic.
You of all people have no right to comment on whether or not his wife is good looking or a wonderful person or not,as you are clearly short on morals. Did someone at some time tell you that you were above everyone else. Wake up,men cheat all the time. Mark my words,if he will cheat with you he will cheat on you!!!! He would NOT leave his wife for you if he had the chance. Think,use your rational brain,marriage is not a life sentence where they throw away the key,if he wanted to be with you he could,it is a free world. He is playing you like a violin!!!The only reason he is setting you free for"you" is because he wants to be free of the hassle that comes from having more than one woman to keep happy. Most men sad to say have a hard time keeping one woman happy. Statistics show that affairs have a shelf life of 4-6 months. If you were to get him away from his wife and have him full time, you would soon tire of him and his clingy, immature ways.Remember in an affair it is not like real life,his wife has to deal with him regarding issues with the children,the bills,the mortgage,the fact that he is a lying cheating a-hole,that is as real as life can get!!! You,you just have play time! You should be ashamed of yourself. You say your religion would not allow you to be married to him,word to the wise, re-examine your commitment to your faith, and take some spelling lessons in your spare time,you need them. All women should stick together for each other,there are good men out there you know. Why not straighten up and fly right and stop this behavior,karma you know ,it could happen to you one day when you have a husband you love and some slut form his office starts sleeping with him.Treat people as you would want to be treated,basic human kindness goes a long way and you could hold your head up high again.
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female
reader, blue64  +, writes (11 April 2012):
just saw this article last night as im dealing with this issue just now. i wanted to let chantilly know something........when a wife finds out about her husbands affair, she will always, always say things that are intended to wound the mistress, whether its true or not. if your married mans wife says they are 'deeply happy', it is mostly to save face. no marriage will become 'deeply happy' so soon after finding out about an affair. the trust that has been broken will have repercussions for a long time after and show itself in even tiny things. so although you were the other woman and the whole situation was wrong, do take some comfort that what you hear at the moment from the wife isnt and cant be true. as for him telling the wife that you were 'practice', i cant say if he did say that or if shes made it up to wound you but i believe he would say anything to save his own skin. my advice to you? believe his feelings were real for you, as i know its true in my situation and you have to accept that hes too weak to face up to them and all the fallout it would bring to act on them. in my case he drank away his feelings and changed from a lovely man into a beliggerant blame giver. he was my best friend and i his. when wife found out for the 2nd time he cut contact. i know hes lost the plot and also that he is now suffering as everyone has abandoned him over the years for not getting away from his abusive and controlling wife. im finally finding myself again after 3 years of being 'on call'. its hard and i still hope hell wake up one day stupidly but ive got time to work through it now. they have war!
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (1 February 2012):
 Again, if you manage to actually walk away and break the destructive relationship, please come back and share your experiences with the other ladies still living in torment.
Thank you for sharing your experiences so that others may learn.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): Leave that guy. he is using you all this while and now when he feel you are bothering him he very nicely converts his love relation to friendship. so wake up move on!!!
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female
reader, Chantilly +, writes (24 January 2012):
On August 24th 2011, was the day I called his wife to tell her I was having a relationship with her husband for 2 1/2 yrs. It had been 2 weeks he was away on vacation with her and spent every minute till that day aching shivering, my clothes on my body hurt. The images of them happy on vacation and sleeping with her made me very ill. During these last 2 weeks, he communicated with me through SMS and continuously telling me how much he loved me asking me to wait for him begging me not to sleep with another man and all the while questioning me about hpv and my last pap test. When we first met through work of course, I felt as though I had met my soulmate. He carries the same name as my son. It started out as flirting to SMS msgs to finding out through a conference call that he was getting married. I immediately contacted him and we spoke for a long while on the phone about how we BOTH felt about each other. Soon after he would text me at night asking me how come the woman of his dreams came into his life now. It grew stronger and stronger over time as we spent hours talking to each other and the I love you and would you have my baby talk became a frequent conversation. Only a 1 yr later did we kiss and soon after that we made love. The best love making I have ever had. We spent everyday from morning till night talking on the phone and catching moments to meet and became more difficult as time went on to let him go to his wife on the weekend. (he worked on the road and spent slot of time away from home). It intensified between us so much that he would lash out at me out of jealousy if I would go on a date. Telling me life without me is like death. Telling me he loves me so much it's impossible that we don't end up together. On several occasions he told me he would think about us over the weekend and make a decision and of course come Monday nothing. He is married now 2 yrs and has no children and I have 2children. He asked to meet them. He showed up at my nephews baptism just to see me. The intensity of every word he spoke with tears in his eyes and all the times he would beg me not to leave him, it's beyond my comprehension how a person can say and do so much and in a blink of an eye just close down and deny and accuse and drop me like a hot potato without looking back. I am devastated that a human being could be capable of such a thing.It has been 5 months now and I still struggle everyday, picking myself up. Trying to conquer my day at work. Trying to control my thoughts and emotions. I have been reading all your comments to help me get though tough days but today I've decided to share my story because I have broken down. Like many I feel shame to talk to people about this intense pain I feel and I grieve in silence. I'm trying to focus on myself but can't help to imagine how he is now happily married, picture him and his wife laughing about me as they have now have each other and are deeply happy as she put it. I pray, meditate and have searched the net for ideas on how to survive this pain. I dream of having that last encounter with him to see his face and see if he has any human genuine love for me or was it really all just words, fake cries??? I hope that his wife comes across one of these sights and sees that her husband didn't just experiment with me cause that's what he told her and she forgave him. Or was it just experimenting???I wish you all luck in the process, it is a long road to recovery.ChantillyIt has been 5 months now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2011): Yes this is a very intense thread BUT:
You Gals knew he was married right from the start Or very early into the affair BUT you chose to have the affair, not thinking about the consequences and the lies, hurt and betrayal. In the end what did you expect? That he would leave his wife and kids for you?
My brother has been having an affair for the last 10 years. He has confided in me that he will Never leave his wife for his mistress bec if she could cheat with him, she can do it to him as well. Yep that's his thoughts and well there's more...
If you make a choice to start sleeping with a married man you make a choice to be second best, you make a choice to be in the sidelines, slinking away in dark alleyways, being only available for sex and good times, being regarded as the Other Woman , the list goes on.
Ladies if you truly want to turn over a new leaf, then make a conscious decision to become a better person. Choose to end your affair ( I know women who love being with MM bec its so easy: they still maintain their single freedom and on the other hand they get to live it up with another womans hb: I am not talking about these women who have made a career of being with a MM) I am speaking to women who never thought they would become The Other woman. You can leave this man, if u choose to. Take drugs for instance: u don't do drugs bec u know its bad for you, so why still choose to remain with a MM? If u want to end it with a MM you can, u just need backbone, character, a moral compass, stop living in denial and start being accountable. Remember your MM has the best of both worlds (esp my brother so I know what I am talking about)
The same advise goes to men whom are having affairs with Married Women: you too make a choice.
Most of the times innocent people get hurt and the perpetrator walks away scout free. Let's not even mention the dysfunctional kids from these affairs/marriages. Its a reality and people need to understand this reality.
Well it all boils down to a choice: affairs with married people have been around and will continue to continue.... But surely there is one sound stable person out there that is strong enough to say: I have enough love for myself Not to go down this destructive Road?
Just my thoughts...
LoveGirl
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female
reader, sober  +, writes (27 December 2011):
actually i really dont know what's the answer?the word break up is very heavy for me..but suddenly i think it is the best 1st step for us girls to see the better life in our future.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (20 December 2011):
 What an amazing, useful questions that has generated such a big response. I intende to save a copy so I can quickly to recommend it to others in this same situation.
It is clear that all the lovers, men and women, facing this situation have been heartened to find that others have or still are going through the exact same emotions and outcomes.
Three hundred and ninety two answers!
That demonstrates a lot of support out there via Dearcupid.org, and some pain experienced along the way.
There is some very wise advice herein, much of based on real outcomes and real experiences and sometimes sadness and regret
The range of answers for this questions is truly awesome.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): Dear all,
I just want to say thank you for all the answers here. I've been reading and re-reading them, and they've helped me enormously to end up a very emotionally disturbing situation I got myself into.
I never, ever want to get involved with a married man again -- it's too degrading, too depressing, and too destructive. I'd rather be on my own, finding other ways to fill my time and life until I find a more congenial partner than one who is ready to cheat on his wife.
Good luck to all of you, whoever you are, in your search for love, happiness, and fulfillment. May you find it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): Hi Everyone! To be honest this is the first time I am commenting something on the net. Why do I do it now? Because this site helped me a lot these days and i felt i want to add my views. Who knows? It might help to someone else.
The biggest help was to realise that my story is not unique as i thought before... that means i am not loosing something special.
It seems rather some kind of chain of psychological reactions. MM is bored, he wants to feel that he is still able to conquer women's heart, woman is searching for the man of his dreams, they find eachother and everything is soooo "perfect" and exciting untill.... the woman starts to realise that it is not enough for her anymore but MM seems to be totally fine. Because he IS totally fine. Why? Because he has everything. Security from the wife and excitement and reassurance in himself from the girlfriend. Whatever he tells you he DOES NOT want to change this. In fact he wants to keep this going on. And what does he has to do for this? Very simple. He just has to say whatever the girlfriend wants to hear. And believe me, MM knows EXACTLY what his girlfriend wants to hear. "He is not happy either", "he wants to be with her" but "the time is not right". And he can also explains it. Children are small, debt is big, mother is sick bla bla bla.... but you just be smart and do not believe any of this! If someone is so unhappy as he says and he sees the light at the end of the tunnel he does not wait! He starts things moving to get there. But for MM the most important is NOT to get there. The most important is: TO GAIN TIME. And the more time he gains the more you loose.
With time emotions will become much easier to handle - for him. But remember! For you they become more and more difficult. You have invested a lot of time and effort in this relationship, you've suffered a lot so by now it became more precious to you. Of course you do not want to let it go. And you still hope for something that will never happen... In the meantime MM lives his life and gets you to make another sacrifice, to adjust more, to bear another pain, to give him another chance, to be more patient and more understanding until you do not know yourself where you have to draw the red line and you become like a little puppy. You wait for MM to through you a chunk of happiness when it is convenient for him.
But what happens in his head by this time? The confident, independent woman who used to be a challenge became his doormat - not as exciting as at the begging, right? He has time now to think about other things as well rather than how to make you happy (because why to make a doormat happy?? she is there anyways...) So all of a sudden he starts to be more busy with things that he was not paying attention to before, he starts to feel guilty for neglecting the kids and he puts the guilt on you because it was clearly because he spent his time with you. So he wants to make up the time and give some kind of compensation to his family. And all this time you have to show understanding and acceptance. Logically there is nothing wrong with this, it is very understandable. But the problem is that you have feelings to him and you feel that he belongs to you. Therefore you do not want him to take his wife for holidays even it is something natural, it is an unbearable pain for you. But MM will not understand you and even if he does he can not do anything about it so you have to deal with it. And if you let him know that this is not good for you he will say: It is up to you, you decide what you want to do. Because he can not do anything... and of course you know what happens then... daily arguments, countless breakups, lots of pain, lots of tears. He will probably come back each time but please remember, it is not because "he can not live without you". It does not mean that "this is your destiny and you have to accept it". It only means that your emotional torture begins again... but the key is in your hand and you decide when you want to stop it and instead of wasting your time to start building your own life and to find REAL happiness. Sooner or later this time has to come because - he will not leave his wife and you are the one who is helping him to stay in his marriage! Because whatever he misses from his marriage he finds it with you and until you are providing him with whatever it is he will be OK, he will not feel unhappy and he will not want to change anything in his life.
So girls, there is NOTHING to wait for. Collect your courage, tell him what you want, tell him that you will be with him as soon as he makes himself available for you and then turn around and walk out of this s**t and let him think what he wants to do. But be prepared that you might still not get what you want so bad. But one thing you will get back for sure and that is his respect for a confident and independent woman - even if you do not feel like that at the moment.... :( and who knows? He might just need time to realise what he is missing from his life without you (in 0.1% of the cases but it is still a chance...) and if in case he decides to make himself available for you - you can decide if you still want him. You might just realise by that time that you don't... seems unrealistic?? It happened to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): Wow, Reading these posts has definitely given me a lot to think about.I was with my bf for about 4 years before he had to have an arranged marriage, it was too hard for us to deal with at the time, we both cried but in the end we accepted it. We stayed together for another 3 years after that but it was too much me to take, always being second, or third or forth to his wife and kids. In the end i ended it and was happy being single until i meat another man, very beautiful, older kind,genuinely amazing and honest.i fell for his instantly and him for me. in spite of the age difference of 15 years we connected on a level that i had never experienced. Then he dropped the bombshell on our third date and told me that he was married, yet they slept in separate rooms, he would call me during the night so that i knew he did not share a room with her, and he also had 3 children who were all above the age of 12.We talked a lot about his unhappy situation, and about my life and my career, and the love grew stronger and stronger every day. he tells me that he loves me, and that i am beautiful, that we are soul mates, that he is proud of me and that he is addicted to me and my warm nature. its been 3 months now and we have not been intimate with each other because i have told him i am not emotionally ready and he has respected that. I told him that if he can fix things with his wife then he needs to try and do that before thinking of ending the marriage. I want to believe that we will be together but having been in a similar situation before, i am not holding my breath. it is hard when you want something you can not have, and i have never felt the way i feel about my MM with anyone. i would do anything for him and i love him more and more every day. But him telling me that he is going to leave and actually doing it are two very different things. I want to believe him so until he gives me a reason not to i will, but i will not be intimate with him until he is out of that relationship. So it depends on how serious he is about leaving and how much he really wants to be with me. so time will tell i guess, but i am happy with the way things are right now, i am not making any demands on him because i don't want to be disappointed, and i am still going on dates with other people nothing serious but he is not in a position to commit to me. so all i would say is that we have to be wise and make sure that we think with our heads. there are so many men who will take advantage of us, and its our job to be strong enough not to let them.Good Luck everyone!!!
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female
reader, bitzybell  +, writes (31 December 2010):
Well Im amazed so many of us feel the same.Yes I too was lonely ,Im pretty but was sick of the single guys ,well anyway I meet a MM and clicked immediatly ,he was like a drug ,I felt so happy ,took it very slowly.After we made love I knew I had stupidly fallen in love with him ,I had to stop kidding myself that it was just fun for me.I would never hurt him and love him so much but I know Im in a bad place ,I feel jealous and angry when he is en famille and I know I'm wrong.Yes I have little fantasies that he is with me and tells me he loves me,I adore him and just want to be his babe.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): actually I can understand what u r feeling because same with me here ,, I am also falling love with a married man but he does not love his wife because of his mum he had to marry his wife ,, but i decided to leave him but he loves him a lot but culture, religion and nationality everything we are not suiting but from our heartz very suiting each others but what to do i know he can't leave her because his wife helped him a lot for his stuff so he is staying he can't leave her so i don't like to stay like this with him but i love him a lot so i just shared a little details of me for a example as my knowledge u should leave him dear because if u will with him but he can't leave her because he has two kids too so if he leaves her then that will be a unfair for his kids .. so in this life we can't get what we want only we can get what we have to get from god ,, so just get encourage to ur life and go to a new begin to ur life .. forget him forget him forget him .. because never u both can live a happy nice with hurting three persons ..
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): I'm 28. Met a married police officer in september of 2010. He said he was only married(to the same woman 2 times!!) because of the kids. He said that's it. Nothing else. We talked for a few weeks then started a relationship. I'm a pretty tough person to break, emotionally speaking, but he was able to do it. He said I was gorgeous, beautiful,I'd be a great mom someday, I'd be a great wife someday, I'm every man's dream, perfect, great g/f....I'm sure I'm leaving out a bunch of other crap. Anyways, I was skeptical of how nice he was being to me and how forward he was about it and he pointed that out a lot to me and I agreed. One day, I can't explain why(because I really dunno) but I just got the feeling something wasn't quite right with him. So I asked him if there's anything he wanted to tell me. He said no and we chatted a bit about why I said that and I let it go. But then he stopped sending his morning text. He had a thing about wanting to do that. To just say good morning or whatever. The same week, he was taking several hours to return a text on his days off. So next time I saw him I asked him about what was up. He finally said what was really goin on at home. Sort of. He said he's actually having sex with her but only to keep the peace because she will complain and be a witch if he doesn't. Ladies............if any guy ever tells you he's sleeping with his wife(for any reason)get the hell outta there!!! Thinking back, I should've walked then. He got a strong feeling I was going to leave as well so he went out on a limb a few days later. Begged me to meet up with him while he was on duty( as we did every day) and told me he was in love with me. I did not tell him that back because I wasn't in love with him. I thought that was odd too. He went on and on about his feelings for me for 2 hours!!! I stayed with him. I trust everyone,(for the most part)until you give me a reason not to. He gave me a reason not to. And it kept eating at me so we argued about it. He'd always beg me to stay, said he was sorry, he'd never do it again, blah blah blah. His behavior changed though too. He stopped calling all the time, suddenly didn't feel the need to return a text for 8 hours on his days off, got irritated with me because I questioned him. It didn't go well. I gave him SEVERAL chances to walk away when I was in a good mood about it or offered to not bug him as much. He always said, "No no no. I'll take care of it. I don't wanna be without you. " I said ok. But things never changed. So last week, I told him enough was enough and I could care less how sorry he is and he can kiss my a$#! He didn't like that. He got very mean, suddenly didn't care about me at all and treated me like the criminals he arrests at work. Amazing how fast someone can change. Keep in mind, he was pulling back on about everything he said about how he feels about me over the past month and a half. He never wanted to deal with my questions, never felt bad, just said he was sorry to get him by to the next week. But looking back, the weird thing is him following me around EVERYWHERE!!!!!! All the time!!! Day or night. In his cruiser!! He has a take-home car. I'd be out with a friend at a bar or out to dinner, I'd look out the window and there he is!! EVERY DAY! I'm not exaggerating! Except on his days off of course. He wanted to know where I was, who I was with, how late I'd be out and when I was coming home. Oh and if I ran into any of his co-workers and what they said to me. If he found out they talked to me while they were working special duty, he'd show up the next time and would stand there and talk to them, on duty, for as long as I'd be there. He ran background checks on ex boyfriends, memorized my social security number, license plate number, old addresses, how many tickets i've had. He'd follow other cops around that he caught checkin me out.CRAZY!!! We slept together twice and I have yet to have my period(oh almost forgot, he kept track of my periods on his cell phone). He asked me if I had it yet and I was honest and said no. I'm 2 days late and don't use b/c. He ran to the store today, on duty, bought me a test and drove it to my apt and told me to take it and call him. I'll get around to it. Point is, now he can't stand me and all he's suddenly worried about is losing his job and family. He does not care about me. He blames this on me and it's all about how he feels. He basically is treating me like I was a 1 night stand. The guy who told me he was in love with me!!! Who spent 5 out of a 7 hour shift talking to me!! If you get a married man, get rid of him the next day after you read this. Especially if he's a cop. I dunno how it'll turn out for me but at least I don't have to take his crap anymore. Now just gotta worry about the pregnancy tests.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): I would say - be an individual first.
MM would love to have - Wife, allows that him to live a comfortable, organized (food, clothes, kids, parents care) whereas the fun and charm of life comes from the girlfriend coz that brings no responsibility & liability.
Love exists coz he enjoys and being best with you, to make you feel dat ur the most imp person coz he has no choice. Would you be with him if you dont get his importance..No. And he knows how to have your strings only connected to him.
I believe why are we dependent for your happiness - We have eyes to enjoy nature, ears to listen to music, mind to be flexible n positive and hands to work d very best.
I'm in the process of separating with MM (after a bad marriage) but I dont pity myself. Why do we always run for a MAN MAN MAN in our lives.. Dont we have any other things to do. Go beyond getting pampered or making love or listening that you are beautiful ..Think you are one of your kind and you are important as MM is.. He deserves to have two lady lucks but bare minimum, you deserve a guy of your own.
Wish you and myself luck ..strength and courage.. take care
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): I understand most of you out there are in love. me too, i am in love with a MM. It's been 2 years and our "fooling around" turned love. At the back of my mind, i keep telling myself this is impermanent. Nothing is permanent. But i should just enjoy while im in it. Only thing is, when is it going to ever end? so i tried dating other guys(single or not married) quietly behind my MM. One day he found out, very devastated. He cried and was so angry and sad.. He asked me, how could i cheat on him like that? I was so surprised. I told him, "but you're cheating on your wife. what makes u think i am cheating on you as i am 'literally single'?" His answer was so unfair, he told me when we got together, i already knew he was married and that time i was single, so when i see another guy means i am cheating on him. What nonsense is that? = so conclusion for this one is, they are always selfish and unfair. They want u and the wife, but u can only have them and not anybody else. The reason i try to date other guys is so that i can move on and be out of secret relationship. it hurts to know that i m sharing a men with another women. I knew this guy is not my future neither as one day he will cheat with another person again. Like what others has posted, they will carry on doing the same thing to u and to others. it's like a bad habit.he told me he loves his wife very much and at the same time likes me alot and sometimes he thinks he loves me too. I keep telling him this love is impermanent and it will only be something nice for us to remember when we both pass this phase. he is also 30years my senior.. (ok, i know this sounds bad)he keep asking me to find a right guy but whenever i try to date, he stops me. with tonnes of excuses. generally, these MM are selfish, selfish and heartless. They can sometimes treat u like a non-existent and sometimes gives you so much attention. Just imagine when u guys broke up, u will end up with nothing (financially, love, etc) and he will b able to move on without a problem, maybe thinking to himself, "ah, what a waste...ok time to go back home and be a good boy".im only in a dilemma of WHEN to leave, yes it does hurt a lot to imagine the ending of this lustrous, lovely, exciting and intimate SECRET relationship. I learn so much from him and we had so much of good time together. He's like a best friend too. But if we keep looking out doing some other things and find another single guy, we will eventually be able to move on! Time will change things girl! treat the pain like a flu, it will go away. Im counting the days when this will end (very sadly...) and i hope you are as well as the rest of the women involved! let's pity the wife of this MM and the children of theirs. And how shameful if our secret were out if we were caught, etc... :) Dont forget, what we r doing now may cause us BAD KARMA.. we wouldn't want our future husband to cheat on us like that don't we?????
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female
reader, ScorpionQueen +, writes (13 November 2010):
All I can say is your aren't the only one and you won't be the first or the last. His name is Muneer and we were involved for 4 years. He has a bad rep for getting involved with most of his employees. He even admitted to cheating on his wife with a distance cousin in Pakistan. He's from Hyderabad India, Muslim and has two children. Having his wife he still cheated on me with another employee. My birthday was yesterday and trust me it was the worst birthday ever. In fact I spent pretty much every birthday and holiday alone ever since we met. I never once cheated on him or imagined ever dating anyone else. To be honest I never even wanted to get involved with him in the beginning. In fact I wasn't even attracted to him in the beginning. For months he was persistent and became my close friend which later developed into a relationship. He said he loved me on the second date without even knowing me, which I knew was impossible. Still, I proceeded because he gave me all the love and affection that I had never had growing up. He said I was the love of his life and he wished he would have never agreed to the arranged marriage. He wanted me to be his second wife, which I found completely absurd. They were all false promises, just to get what he really wanted SEX. Do you ever notice how he chases you down, then we he finally gets what he wants he acts indifferent the next day? Then he disappears for awhile, perhaps days, weeks, or months then pops out of the blue again just to disrupt your life. If you try to ignore them they will bombard you with emails or private calls and if you let them in the viscous cycle begins all over again.I didn't hear from him for 8 months, which was the longest that we have ever stopped talking. He contacted me because It was my birthday yesterday. I'm torn and feel so empty all over again. I was doing fine without him, but he continues to contact me. I honestly, don't wish this upon anyone. All I can say is get out of the affair as soon as you can, because the longer you wait the worst it will get. I CAN ASSURE YOU THEY WILL NEVER EVER LEAVE THEIR WIVES. If they do, chances are they will cheat on you. I caught him red handed and he still denied it. He claimed his best friend borrowed his credit card to stay at a hotel with his girlfriend and swore to God it wasn't him. I pray every single night to forget him. I traveled to Cancun and Florida to forget him. No matter where I run I find it impossible to forget him. I've been single for 8 months now and haven't been intimate with anyone at all because I know it will only remind me of him. I cry myself to sleep almost every night since he started contacting me. I dream about him all the time, but I try so hard to not think about him. Sometimes, I pray to god to take my life away so I won't this pain. Sometimes, I get angry at him and at myself for allowing him to come back into my life. Most of all I pray to God that he leaves me alone and never contacts me again, because I am strong and I will never call him. Even if I'm dying to call him I won't because I know he is married and has children. I know we can never be together and I respect that and refuse to contact him, but he persists on being friends. You know what hurts the most is that I've been loyal to someone who never deserved my love. I wasted, my youth and my life. He sucked the life out of me. My friends and family don't even recognize me anymore. All the fights and sleepless nights have aged me so much. This is not love. It's an abyss. These MM are happy they have the wife who cooks and cleans for them and you please and pamper then for the meantime. Once, some younger chick comes along and takes your place you'll be alone. Trust me. I know I was that younger chick and now some much younger chick is taking my place. Everything he said to me, he said to her. He has multiple email accounts where he chats with these women. So, here I am the day after my birthday regretting ever meeting him. Wondering if I'll ever be able to move on and get my life back together again. I know you may love him, but if he really loved you he would be with you and only you. Don't waste your time and your youth like I did. I passed up so many opportunities just to sit around at home waiting for him to call meanwhile he was with another woman. I can assure you. You are not the only one. Once a cheater, always a cheater. The best way to deal with this is having no contact at all. It's easier that way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): I today broke off my 9 month relationship with my married man. He and I dated all through high school and he was my first love. We lost contact and reconnected after 34 years and realized that we were totally in love again within days. I was separated and he is married. Shortly after reconnecting it was decided by us both that we were given a second chance at love and being together and we couldn't let it pass us by. Well 9 months later with a deadline for his move approaching, he started distancing himself. We had all sorts of plans. Today I decided enough was enough. As much as I love him I have to end this charade. He is never leaving his wife and I am only getting hurt. Staying in this 9 months blows my mind that I have been that stupid. If he loved me so, he would have left immediately as all our children are grown and he claims to have no relationship with his wife. Well it's been about 5 hours and the feelings suck. Thankfully I am at work and busy. Tonight will be a killer. Hopefully the days will get easier as time passes. I will miss him so much and I do love him immensely but I just refuse to be taken advantage of and be his CAKE any longer. Good luch to you all, this is so hard.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): I've been seeing a MM for 3 months now, I've only been having lunches with him but we've had two passionate kisses, initially when he first told me he really admired and wanted me and then the last time I saw him. Those kisses were divine and I think the sex would be out of this world (I'd love to). He tells me he thinks we're kindred souls - I feel sort of the same but I don't really believe I'm in love - just lust (he's gorgeous). I can see it's heading for the bedroom but I already feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. I feel guilty the day after our 'lunches' and want to stop it all. I feel euphoric when we're together - on top of the world finding myself singing loudly in the car on the way home from our ‘lunches’.
I've known him for about 10 years through my work. Just before I left he was my boss, and he's 7 years older than me. I've always thought he was gorgeous, kind and friendly and I've seen him be nothing but lovely to others and especially to me (he helped my career alot) but in the office it was common knowledge he was an adulterer. He left his wife of 20 years for another mistress he was seeing for 5 years before he left his wife. That mistress is now his fiance (she left her husband for him) they've been "together" for 10 years, 5 of when he was previously married.
5 years ago when he was married and had a mistress, he was drunk at a function and told me he loved me! I was shocked (as I was married at the time). I feel really confused about what he wants from me. He says he just wants to be friends but sends me sextexts and tries to kiss me every chance he gets and wants to keep staying in contact with me. I once saidI can't do this so we're supposed to be just 'friends' but its just not what I feel is the case - I don't kiss any of my other male friends.
Anyhow I've always been a believer that actions speak louder than words especially after reading all these stories and its made me see things much more clearly. Think about what they're DOING to you, not what they're saying. They're using you for SEX or excitement of some kind, they might be getting emotional support from you too, you're making them happy but you're not happy yourself and you're boosting their EGOs at your own ego's expense. These MMs tell you everything you want to hear but their actions don't back up their mouths. Don't believe anything they're telling you! They're kidding themselves and all of you who are in relationships with them.
I truly believe my MM thinks he loves me but he's wrong, because love isn't meant to hurt and anyhow love alone doesn't make a relationship successful. It takes hard work, compromise, dedication, commitment and a willingness to treat all human beings with respect and that just can't happen if they're already with someone else (or two or three as I suspect).
I've known him for about 10 years through my work. Just before I left he was my boss, and he's 7 years older than me. I've always thought he was gorgeous, kind and friendly and I've seen him be nothing but lovely to others and especially to me (he helped my career alot) but in the office it was common knowledge he was an adulterer. He left his wife of 20 years for another mistress he was seeing for 5 years before he left his wife. That mistress is now his fiance (she left her husband for him) they've been "together" for 10 years, 5 of when he was previously married.
5 years ago he was drunk at a function and told me he loved me! I was shocked (as I was married at the time and he was married and had a mistress too). So I feel really confused about what he wants from me and these 'lunches'. He says he just wants to be friends but sends me sextexts and tries to kiss me every chance he gets and wants to keep staying in contact with me. I said once I can't do this so we're supposed to be just 'friends' but its just not what I feel is the case - I don't kiss any of my other male friends.
Anyhow I've always been a believer that actions speak louder than words especially after reading all these stories. I think about what they're DOING to you, not what they're saying. They're using you for SEX or excitement of some kind, they might be getting emotional support from you too, you're making them happy but you're not happy yourself and you're boosting their EGOs at your own ego's expense. These MMs tell you everything you want to hear but their actions don't back up their mouths. Don't believe anything they're telling you! They're kidding themselves and all of you who are in relationships with them.
I truly believe my MM thinks he loves me but he's wrong - he's just looking for excitement and the passion of an affair. I think love isn't meant to hurt anyone and love alone doesn't make a relationship successful. It takes hard work, compromise, dedication, commitment and a willingness to treat all human beings with respect and that just can't happen if they're already with someone else (or two or three as I suspect). Relationships with MMs truly are not healthy relationships.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 July 2010):
If loving you is right, I don't want to by wrong (By Millie Jackson)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUTDdq1m67Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZ13jHp7_P4
Life is short, very short, and your wasting it.....
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 July 2010):
If loving you is wrong...
I don't want to be right
If being right means living without you
I'd rather live wrong than right
My Mama and Daddy say "It's a shame..."
"It's a downright disgrace"
But as long as I've got you by my side
I don't care what my people say
My friends tell me there's no future
In lovin' a married man
If I can't see you when I want...
I'll see you when I can
Bridge:
If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right
If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right
Am I wrong to fall
So deeply in love with you...
Knowing you've got a wife and two little children
Depending on you too
Am I wrong to hunger
For the gentleness of your touch...
Knowing you've got someone else at home
Who needs you just as much
Chorus:
Am I wrong to give my love
To a married man?
Am I wrong for trying to hold on
To the best thing I've ever had?
If loving you is wrong...I don't want to be right
If loving you is wrong...I don't want to be right
Repeat Chorus:
I don't want to be right...if it means living without you
I don't want to be right...if it means sleeping alone at night
I don't want to be right
If loving you is wrong...I don't want to be right
If loving you is wrong...No, I don't want to be right
Get the Millie Jackson version... cause she keeps "LOOKING AT THE CLOCK ON THE WALL, TICK ON"
Knew a woman who did 20years with a married man.. no christmas, no holidays, never... then when she got sick, where was he, where was he when her time was up and she was ready to die... You love him, I know, you can't resist him, I know.. but it's easy to love someone when they a far away and can't hurt you..
Where will you be next year, the year after that? What will your life be like in 5, 10 years time??????????
Is this the type of love and life you dreamed of as a little girl?.. Dump the guy, he's just one man, go and reclaim all the dreams and promises that you wanted for yourself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010): Out of desperation, i searched the net for help and answers to my plight and came upon this site. Im overwhelmed with such sadness and astonishment in reading all these letters because everyone is ME! What a relief to finally talk about what has been bottled up inside of me for nearly 4 years. I regard myself as a successful, intelligent business woman with more than a dollop of common sense......but there is nothing intelligent about the situation i allowed myself to fall into. I am a married woman with 3 kids who is absolutely, completely and hopelessly in love with a married man. I am putty in his hands and allow him to manipulate me, use me, lie to me and all i do is make excuses for him and his behaviour knowing full well that this relationship is going nowhere! Why?? I have asked myself that question time and time again and have no answers except that.."I love him". He came into my life at a time that i was at my lowest and at my most vulnerable and i was drawn to his charm and charisma like a moth to a candle. He was like a magnet and i couldnt get enough of him. He made me no promises yet i carried on hoping he would wake up and realise that he loved me....realise that he couldnt live without me... Well i am still waiting...and hurting...and still i love him. I am last on his list of priorities, thats if i am there at all. There are days that he makes me feel that i am the only woman in the world for him and then there are those days that i dont exist. I have tried many times to end it, for my sanity......but i cannot. Would he care? I dont know and i fear the answer...i fear not having him in my life. I dont trust him and my head tells me that he is at this very moment chasing after another...and this makes me angry, bitter, frustrated and the hurt and pain is excruciating! Logic tells me that i should have told him to go to hell a long time ago...and i want to....but how!? I love him. He is in my mind, my heart, my soul... He is my curse and my happiness...the bits that i grab and cherish. There are no quick fixes and easy answers girls' We need buckets and buckets of courage to stand up and say enough is enough...to here and no further because the bottom of the road is a dead end for us while the married man continues along the road of plenty...breaking hearts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2010): We are only to blame for falling in love with a married man.
I might sound harsh, but we all know its the truth.
We went through sweet moments in the early days with the man, but when time goes on, the relationship usually turn sour.
It has been known for so long and so predictive that the man would never break his promise to his wife, so, what are we hopping and thinking of?
It does felt bad when he's unable to celebrate your birthday with you, unable to be with you when you need him most.. and yes, i'm still feeling hurt by these facts.
Did anyone of you ladies had the feeling of him shutting off his mobile to aviod your messages becos his wife will heard of it? Its doesn't feel good.
I read many of the post here, and felt strongly its time to move on, but how do one move on and stay strong and determined?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2010): All I can say is that if they have pushed themselves to the edge and haven't jumped then they will never do it.I have been in this situation for almost 7 years and originaly we were both married - after 5 years of being unfaithful to my husband I couldn't cope with the lies and finally took the courage to leave my husband, at a later date he almost did the same but right at the final hour he changed his mind and his wife welcomed him back home.I have been alone now for over 2 years and wouldn't change that (I have a great social life) - my only regret is that I didn't leave my husband earlier and that I still love my married man. I have many dates and short term relationships but always go back to my married man, simply because I love him.I make excuses for him all the time, but the truth is he puts me on a pedestal, adores me and makes me feel like I'm the only women in the world. Its hard to give up but one day I hope to meet someone who will sweep me off my feet so that I never have to take a backward glance. when I do I will update my answer and hopefully give us all the answers we need.Good luck to us all x
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2010): It is sad to be reading all of these stories but it does make me see that there are other women that have been in my situation....but I am shutting it down. I was seeing my married man for over 10 YEARS. It had recently told me he was finally divorced and we could start the process of being together. For the last few years it has been a long distance relationship but I tried to keep things going. He recently came to visit me and hadn't seen me in almost a year and while he was here having sex with me, I caught him texting another girl. He denies they were doing anything but they were calling each other baby and crap. He still will not admit the truth and I think that is what hurts the most. While he was here on this visit, he was talking about moving in with me, taking our trip to Fiji because that is where I said he would have to take me to marry me, and he actually cried and pretended he misses me so much when he is not with me....all along texting his other girlfriend, who by the way is MARRIED. Is that screwed up or what....so I changed my number and am moving on.....I do feel sorry for him in a way....I don't know if he will ever be satisified and find true love....oh and by the way...HE NEVER GOT DIVORCED that was also a lie....move on ladies and let's all find us someone to love us because we deserve it.....
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reader, Miamine +, writes (8 June 2010):
Ah... Hi Ladies, I see many more have joined the group... just to remind any of you who want to change your life, summer is here, you have time to loose weight, get a new swimsuit, get the married waste of space out of your life, and go catch other fish and fry them...
It's hard, but it's easier to move on in Summer than it is in winter.. the summer days will fill you with hope for new beginings...
Good luck to each and everyone of you.. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): Its amazing to read all these stories. such LONG detailed stories from so many women who have been hurt! Of course, I'm in a similar relationship! I've known my MM for about a year and 1 month and we started to get more romantic with each other a little under a year ago. i work for the same company as him and that's how we met. I've met up with therapists and friends to make my heart feel better. they say time heals all wounds but i get so tired of waiting. After reading these comments I feel so much better and stronger. I haven't broken things off yet but plan to tomorrow. I'm sure he knows its coming and of course breaks my heart cause I know he won't stop me.lucky for me, my MM doesn't have kids. and he had already moved out of the house he was living with, with his wife. after i tell him i want out, i'm scared that he will go back. and i'm scared that he'll have sex with her. he claims that he's never truly been in love with her and that's he's never felt that he's been in love with any girl but me. these days I dont know if i can believe him because finally confessed something to me that he lied about. this is why i know i need to break things off for good.its hard because i knew i wouldn't have a future with him anytime soon. and I also feel FOOLISH, STUPID and naive for thinking he and I would have a chance one day. there was a post from a woman that was the Wife that had been cheated on and I do feel bad for her. but its hard to relate because as the so called "mistress" you never really feel like you're doing anything wrong until someone gets hurt. thanks for the comments and hopefully i'll never have to go through this again in my life. and good luck to the other women who are still in pain and "in love" with their MM still.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010):
I have been reading so many of these stories and my heart breaks. I was seeing a married man with 2 kids for a year and half and we split up last September after he returned from holiday with his family. He told me before he went on their family holiday that he wanted me to still be there when he returned and was worried that I wouldn't be. Those 2 weeks he was away was torture. Everynight I cried myself to sleep thinking he would be with his wife making love to her when he told me they didn't anymore and he loved me.
When he returned he told me they did make love and my heart felt it was torn into millions of pieces. The pain was unbareable, for two weeks I was in a state and couldn't wait to have him back in my arms to then be told he had done what I dreadded the most. I couldn't carry on. I couldn't do this anymore, my heart was hurting so much, I couldn't sleep, eat, function at work and my confidence was crushed. All he did was take all the best bits from me and never gave me what I needed.
We are now in June, 9 months after we broke up and I still cry so much over him, I miss him so much that I can never see myself getting fully over him. Eeveryone says the usual 'you deserve so much better' and he is a bastard. But I still love him, why? I feel unhappy with him and unhappy without. I feel lost, alone and so hurt words can't describe the pain I still feel. I don' know what happiness feels like, all I feel is pain I just wish it would all stop and he would turn around and say to me he wants to be with me, but that will never happen, he will never leave and has said this so many times, so I have to keep picking myself back up to crumble again when i think of him.
I live alone and very far away from my family and I have been dealing with this pain on my own everyday and it never gets easier. The worst part is that he can go back to his wife and kids and carry on his happy life as if I never existed and I'm left alone hurting so much. I wish I could believe what people say and believe I will meet someone who willmake me happy, but I don't have any trust in any man anymore, I feel worthless and will always be unloved. I wish I had never got involved, this has destroyed such a huge part of me I don't know if it will ever be repaired.
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reader, akb1986 +, writes (3 June 2010):
I must say that I am currently in a similar situation to what everyone else has been saying. However, I am also married and am in the process of leaving my husband. My MM's wife left the other night because she found out about me. However, her and her family ambushed him with their pastor who then helped him "to see error of his ways." He told me he is so in love with me and if her were not a Christian man he would be gone in a second but he must try to save his marriage and give it one last good try. I am devastated. This whole time it has been me who has been holding off because I could not get the courage up to start my divorce. Now that I am ready, he has decided to go back and try harder. They have been unhappy for 3 years and he has tried so hard already. I just want him to be selfish and be with me but he is such a better man than that. He has to see it through to the end or else he will feel that he has failed God. I, myself, am not that much of a religious person but he has asked me to pray for God's help in order to get through this. Whether that means that I lose him or regain him I'm not sure but I do know I am willing to try anything at this point.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): I am the sadest person on this planet. I really have no words express my feelings. The fact that this was done to me by someone who I thought was my best friend is what really hurts. Cuz you just miss your friend, really. And realizing that he was never your best friend is what kills me! Can I trust anyone ever again? It's my own fault. What was I thinking? That there was future? That it was just sex and I was OK with that? I hate myself. I feel foolish and naive. I hope he gets std from the next one and his wife takes him to the cleaners! And she is an idiot for thinking he's a good husband! What a fool! Both of us!She deserves a husband like that! I do not! So, I guess lesson learned! Still, it hurts. My heart, my pride.. I don't recognize myself anymore...
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2010): it hurts so much to be in love with someone you cant have. My MM is still "working things out" with his wife..even though she is still living in her own aprtment....he cant tell me he loves me anymore. BUT, he still wants to see me..still texts me he misses me. It is so hard. I have become obsessed with him, even though I know it is wrong. I am seeing a counselor and am on medication, but I still wake up in the mornings wanting to be with him, even though In reality I know life with him would not be as rosy as I am imaginign it to be. My counselor, who has seen me thorugh this whole relationship for almost two years now, says if he would cheat with me, he would cheat on me. He did cheat on his wife with an old girlfriend before he met me. She says life with him would be miserable. Not just because of his cheating tendencies but b/c of his other issues. He came on so strong with his love after his wife left and then he took her back and I was back to the bottom of the heap again, unless it was when HE wanted to see me. it hurts
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): Myself I read over and over articles about being in love with a married man. They all basically say we are in a painful, hopeless situation. Myself, I met him 3 1/2 years ago. Our eyes met and an instant attraction. Then I saw the ring and heard the words...I am married. One yr later we ran into each other again and we could not take our eyes off each other with each passing in the hallways. Then one day he stopped me and asked for my number and I weakened. He came by my house non-stop sitting on the couch watching TV for the first year. He did tell he did not feel he would leave his family all because he did not want to cause emotional upset for his daughter. In the beginning of our 2nd year together we engaged sexually. Then one day his wife contacted me; it was brief and of few words. HE disappeared and ignored me for 2 months...then one day walking in my office unannounced. He started calling me again and said he had to see me. We started up again. Its been a year, I tried to break up with him 1 month ago and he went crazy...he said he loved me and would not quit seeing me. Hugs and kisses, I love you so much!!! hahah yah right!!! 2 weeks ago his wife called me again....and guess what?...He helped me move one day, came by 2 days later and made love to me saying he would never quit seeing me. I told him he does not love me and he says I cannot tell him how he feels. Its 4 days and not a word. I am going crazy, I love him so much, he is also my best friend. However, I read and I see I have been given all the lines in almost all the articles. I see it with my own eyes.....his love does nothing for me....HE IS NOT LEAVING HER. He is abusing me and taking advantage of my love for him.Like my therapist said to me....RUN and don't look back as the pain only gets worse. Why, How, I dont understand? So I think all our stories leads to the answer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2010): I'm in the same situation. I worked with a MM who I fell in love with. We started off as friends and then one night ended up kissing. He pursued me from there. At first he said he wouldn't leave his wife but ended up separating for awhile. He eventually confessed it all to his wife. She took him back. He left me high and dry. We no longer work together. It has been a month with no contact and I'm a mess. Shouldn't the pain be going away after a month? I know I deserve better yet somehow I only want him - a liar and a cheat. What's wrong with me?!?!
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reader, bluegirl39 +, writes (17 April 2010):
Being in love with a married man is a nightmare. I have been involved, and am still very much in love with one, for almost two years now. I had a glimmer of hope last summer when it turned out his wife was also having an affair, and she moved out of the house. I then got his undivided attention and love, AND, talks of the future together. Then, she decides she wants to come back around the holidays. After a bunch of hemming and hawing, he took her back, but continued to see me. I was too devastated to let him go and I pathetically was okay with seeing and talking to him "now and then" rather than evryday as we had in the good months. He claims his reasonings for keeping her were financial and for the kids, even though he claimed she was a nutcase and she repulsed him and he missed me and should be with me. The two of them are like Jekyll and Hyde. She filed for divorce in February and I again got my hopes up...but then she decided to come back..again...AND, he still wants to see me and be with me. The two of them drive me nuts. Unfortunately though, I love him, so I am as nutty as they are.
My advice to anyone starting up an affair with a MM: dont do it. It is so heavenly in the beginning b/c you only see the best of each other, and as the mistress, you get to be "perfect" in his eyes b/c you do everything better than his wife. YOu are the one he runs to when wife does something wrong, or he needs an escape from the drudgery of life. YOu are so much better in bed, a better cook, do nicer things, are more fun to be with. But eventually, his problems become your problems. I've had to listen to numerous complaints of his about his wife, mother-in-law, stepdtr. Plans we make get cancelled b/c of one thing or the other. You are always bottom of the totem pole, and most men wont leave thier wives b/c of finances and kids. If they could have an out without those repercussions they would leave in a heartbeat.
It sucks to be in love with a MM. Dont do it! I have spent so many days and nights crying over this guy. I am seeing a counselor, too, who tells me all the usual yadda-yadda stuff such as "find things of your own to focus on, set some gola for yourself, and the granddaddy of them all "cut him out of your life completely" Easier said then done when you are in love...that is why I advise anyone even remotely thinking af getting involved with a MM to NOT DO IT!!!!!!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010): Ladies I feel for you all so much.
As the previous girl shows (14 april) this leaves us all feeling so isolated -my worst time is 4am. I too had told nobody about our affair so nobody understands the grief and pain I am feeling now it is over, and I had no-one I could turn to without feeling judged.
You may be surprised by peoples reactions, if they are friends worth having they will support you whatever. I had no friends or colleagues locally so at my very lowest point realised I needed other help, I went to my doctor and am now having counselling. It really helps to talk to someone, anyone, otherwise you start thinking there's no way through the pain.
This website is also great for that, I told my story on 25 march & it really helped me to write it down & share it with understanding people. I later confided in someone who told me he too had had an affair, and 2 friends have been great - surprised but not judgemental, I'm still me after all. Others didn't want to know and have kept their distance. You can certainly find out who your friends are, but only if you want to tell them & explain your pain, because it can be so hard to just put on a happy face & pretend everything's ok when it's really not.
My point is, it still helps to talk to someone, even if it's a stranger, before it tears you apart. I'm starting to reach some level of calm even if i can't accept or understand what happened just yet. It's been 3 months now & still hurts so much. It will get better for us all, very slowly. Baby steps....
It would be great to hear some updates on your stories, let us know how you're all getting on...
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): wow...i am sitting here reading all of these post and i am like wow! ladies, if you are still seeing these men, please stop. trust me when i say if he is married and seeing you, he is seeing someone else also. look at history, tiger, jesse, etc, they were cheating with more than one woman. i ended my affair last year and it is 8 months later and i hurt so badly. i have joined a church and working through my std...which is a life long problem, it will never go away. i am hurt, lost and alone... i sit and think how did i get here, where do i go from here. do i tell my family a friend...friend, let me tell you about them, mine tried to sleep with the married man i was seeing. the married man wanted me, little girls, and other women too. honey they have secrets. now when i go out and i see his family, they turn their heads and snicker. how do you hold your head up and deal with that? i am trying so hard to move from here, relocate and try to start new, right now i feel as no man wants me. i am damaged goods, will never marry, date someone...nothing. this man had me in so much financial debt it was pitifull. i pray, i cry and ask for forgiveness everyday. at night, late i get so sad and nothing helps. when i see him around town, he turns his head or slows down so he wont' pass me. so one day i saw him and gave him the same treatment. what am i to do? all i say is dont' give so much of yourself to these guys, they are bound by god to another and you must break the addiction. please before something bad happens. she may be seeing someone and viruses travel so quickly. don't loose your life over these men please for god's sake. please pray for me, my strenth, my sanity the protection of my mind and body.im so scared...and alone so please think about it...i do not want this to be you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2010): Ladies-
Many of you have terribly heartbreaking stories. I've been reading for nearly an hour and the tears are flowing.
But i'm sure as many of you know already, the tears are especially bitter because I'm sure soon enough I'll be the one needing comfort.
Most of you have come here and posted here talking of a past heartbreak, regardless how recent, you'd already basked in the glow of his love, and suffered the blow of his loss.
I'm still in the basking stage- and it IS delicious. But no matter how wonderful it is (as it has been for a year) it is always tainted by that tiny little voice in your head asking, "how long can this possibly last?".
We talk of forever, but not what that forever means. Could be marriage, could be mistress.
We talk about love, but not whether it is enough.
For now I'm going to enjoy the feeling. I've never been in love. Though he is twenty five years my senior, I've never met a man more beautiful inside and out. What if this is really it? What if he's the one... and I just walk away? I believe this man is my soulmate. And though the relationship is based on pretty shaky moral grounds, how can ANY woman be expected to walk away from someone she believes to be her other half?
Just thinking about it makes me feel incomplete. I regret wronging this woman that is married to my soulmate but it's as if I have no choice. I'm stuck. Absolutely immobolized by fear when I think of being without him. You couldn't live with half a heart, and I can't live without him.
I'm just so glad to know that i'm not alone.
heres to wishing, hoping, praying, that next time i visit this site isn't to tell of my brokeb heart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010): Ok ladies I too have read some of the responses on this page and I have found myself in tears. My guy is good to me and when we're together everything is great and nothing else in the world matters. Yet, we are never able to plan anything because something with the wife wil always come up. We have discussed plans for when he leaves. The problem is when is he actually going to leave. Today i asked him, "Why is it so hard for you to leave when you are so unhappy?". His only response was, "I don't know." That destroyed me on the inside. I didn't want to let him know that it had, but it did. I've been seeing this man on and off for 6 years and he has been married for 19 years. In the beginning there was never talk of him leaving her from him or me. Lately in the past 7 months he can't talk about anything but that. I wonder if its because the last time we broke things off, I picked myself up and started dating someone seriously. He almost didn't get me back this last time. Now I know some of you may thnk I'm crazy for leaving a relationship with someone thats not attached, but I truly love this man I love him with every part of me. I believe that if this relationship is truly meant to be it will. There are ups and downs in any relationship you may have. This kind of relationship takes someone special to deal with the ups and downs of it all. There is a 50/50 chance hear. he may leave and he might not. You just have to be real about the whole thing and understand that just because he says he's ready to leave, doesn't mean he really is. We women get most of the emotional bumps and bruises in these relationships. If you are willing to stick it out, do so. But if you don't think you can handle it, pick yourself up and move on. I hope this is helpful. Love yourself, and let the rest fall where it may.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2010): wow this page is amazing & made me cry loads. What strikes me most is that you're all incredibly courageous amazing smart women going through a huge amount of pain. most of you are shocked that you ended up in this situation & never expected or wanted to fall in love with married men. you're not the nasty selfish marriage wrecking bitches society want to believe! & the men aren't all evil cheats just out for a bit on the side.
i am going through the same thing. I fell in love with a married colleague, he's been with his wife for 16 years & it shocked us both, neither of us wanted it and we fought our feelings a lot. it was 8 months before we even kissed, it wasn't some sordid affair just about sex & ego. but we'd both had the thunderbolt & were head over heels. we split up twice & tried to be just friends but couldn't stand being apart. it was 14 months after we first discussed our feelings that we finally had sex & it only happened once.
i never wanted an affair, it was against everything i believed but i'm also a true romantic & believed this was the real thing & he was the one & the love of my life. I don't believe i'll ever feel the same incredible love again & believed it was worth fighting for. It wasn't all lovely, we argued a lot cos we desperately wanted to be together & it was so frustrating. why had this happened to us?
He told his parents & close friends he was leaving his wife & they were very supportive, they were going to help look after the kids & he was going to move into a flat near his family home. so we could do this right & in the right order. I quit my job for work reasons but also so it would be easier for us to be together without colleagues disapprovel.
He was literally about to tell his wife & her grandfather died, she was upset & needed his support, understandably. He told me it was over & never contacted me again. It destroyed me . I had no job & nobody knows what i'm going through cos he was a secret, so i am all alone in this. all our hopes & dreams of a future were taken away from me. I was also waiting for some medical test results & he didn't even wait to find out if i was ok.
I had a complete breakdown & now on antidepressants & seeing a counsellor. He never replied to my texts or emails. I'll never understand how he could do this to me & not care how i was. I can't hate his decision, i never wanted him to leave his wife for me, i wanted him to leave because he was unhappy at home - which he was. he was just too cowardly to do something about it. his wife never deserved to get hurt but they're not happy. he's chosen to spend the rest of his life being unhappy & pretending everythings ok.
i hate the way he cut me off though. He made me go through an incredibly painful grievingg process, i had suddenly lost the love of my life & my best friend all at once without being able to say goodbye. He could have made it so much easier, i always knew he could make that decision to stay for the sake of his kids & would have respected it if he'd done this in a kind & compassionate way. it's very hard not to want to destroy his life too & leave him alone & suicidal too. but i'm too nice!
I hope i find the strengh to deal with this the way you all have. men hurt women in so many ways & with the worst timing, often without realising just how painful it is. i don't think he's being malicious but very cruel unintentionally. i know he needed to cut contact with me for his own sake. but he didn't even say sorry or check i was ok. an email would have been enough to help me through this. at least i'm not pregnant i guess!
i know several couples that have been through this & been the 'happy ever after'. The man actually has the guts to leave for the other woman & they've all ended up so much happier than they's ever been, including the wives. so these dreams to come true. don't always believe people who say 'he'll never leave'. i so wanted it to be me too
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2010): I've known my MM for over 2 years, it wasnt until August, when I was in a horrible 3 year relationship that i was too scared to leave since i felt no one would ever want me again so I might as well deal, that he and i started talking a lot. He's very unhappily married (will be 2 years in May) He gave me the courage and strength to leave an abusive relationship, built up my confidence in myself that my ex had broken, and I thought that maybe *he* was the one.
Now around 8 months later, we've made out in the parking lot of our work more times than i could possibly remember, slept together, and he visits occassionally when he needs someone to make him feel like he matters. He tells me that most days I'm the only person in the world that makes him happy. The only reason that he likes coming to work (we both hate our jobs, but with the economy today and the pay rate, we can't afford to leave for something else).
I'm so head over heels in love with him, and I've tried to go out on other dates, but they were never him, they were never right. For the last 2 months, they had been doing better, and I had been able to back off, then recently we ran into each other, and he was so happy just to see me. We sat and talked in my car for a while, he kept telling me how much he missed me, missed being with me, missed being able to be around someone that made him feel calm. 2 days later he's over for 2 hours, we just sit and talk, cuddle and kiss, and I pretend for a few moments, that this time, this is the time that he'll actually go through the with the divorce.
They fight constantly. He's moved out 18 times within 1.5 years of marriage. they've broken everything they own in fights, destroyed clothing, electronics, memories, and yet, he's so scared to actually follow through with the divorce, even though he can sit and tell me he knows its the right thing to do.
My heart breaks on a day to day basis. I keep hoping that today is the day, this is the fight that will actually make him see how happy he could be with me, but its never that day. I'm *that* girl. The other woman, the invisible one. It breaks my heart, I hate cheaters and feel like a horrible person for allowing this relationship to get to this. We have so much in common, they have nothing. We can just sit and look at the stars and just be happy being near one another, but he wont take that step.
Numerous times i've told him to just forget I exist, just stop talking to me, just stop looking at me at work, and like a drug, I always go back for more, hoping that he'll see that he could actually be happy if he let himself be.
I dream that he shows up at my door and tells me its over, and moves in, and in my dreams he's just holding me, fulfilling those promises that he's never followed through with before. Then I wake up, and its all over, and he's at home with her.
I never wanted to be this woman. I never thought I'd fall in love with someone I actually could not have, and I never thought it would hurt this much, this often. I don't know what to do, no one can compare to what we have, even though, in all honesty, we have nothing.
And i dont know where to go anymore, i just want to cry on his shoulder and tell him what hes doing to me, but even still, it wont change the situation. Until he figures out what he wants and takes the steps to do it, i'll just be the other woman unless I can figure out how to move on.
I never thought loving someone could hurt this much. I'll always thank him for giving me the confidence to leave my previous relationship, but my love for him that has blossomed in these last few months has hurt me more than my abusive ex did over the course of 3 years. I just dont know how to let him go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2010): Hi
I have been also deeply in love with a MM. as I went through all the stories and other website which talked about how to get over a mm, I have been told million of times that my story is not unique and he is a liar by all the wisdom posted. in spite of other things that I would feel in the same way with all my friends suffering in the same situation, I still believe that my MM is a little bit different.
yes, he is also started with the statement of " I love my wife very much I won;t leave her". at that time, I don't care so much. for me, the beginning of the relationship is a passionate and irresponsible act which I thought I can be out easily when I feel sth real going on. the longer I stay with him, the stronger I feel about him to be the mr. right. And this love, as other girls here experience, is the greatest love of life.
the reason why I saying my situation is a little bit different, is unlike some of the MM, he spend a lot of time with me. In the first 6 months, as he is staying in the same city as me, while his wife has to come later at night from HK to our city, we can spend more than 5 hours a day. and we were still keeping touch by online chat after he went home. he is working in university. therefore, it is possible for him. of course, I should know if every MM is working in university, it would be the same case. then we move together. how does that happen? it is complicated. Simply speaking, he persuaded and asked her to stay in hk during the work days as he said to her "it is better for him to figure out what he should do". this happened 2 months after she find out we might have an affair. Now he successfully persuaded her that he likes me, but he never has sex with me nor we have no further intimacy. In another word, we are not that close yet. And everything is just fine.
The difference from other case it we saw each other a lot from Monday to Friday. And then we stay together from Monday to Friday for nearly 6 months after he lives with me.
And another difference is, I know he seldom lie to me. of course, when it is no lies, it takes a lot to lie to urself and live with the fact that he has to call her everyday nearly 1 hour to chat chat with her and he still belongs to her.
and as well as other girls, I am also the one totally being stepped on. I lost my self esteem, some friends, my being alone but happy ability. and I was so afraid that I might be never happy again.
do I love him. yes, deeply in a way I never thought I would. but after I read all the stories, i know this is not unique at all. we all deep in love with our MM. does he love me? yes he did. but as my friend commented on this: to what extent, how deep, it is hard to say.
It is so shock to see the bloody truth is written down by all the strong girls who have gone through all of it and survive. I am a person who seldom going to a forum and write down anything. Because this relationship is really too painful, torturing and life changing for me. I did sth i never did before. And I have become someone I never thought I would be like.
Now I am on a break with him. I told him two days ago; please don't contact me till he figures out how to keep distance with his wife. (By means of not having sex, being free on weekends as also). Unlike all the other times (we have saying the breaking up for 20 more times and the longest time is 7 days without contact before he crazily writes emails to me and ask for some time) when I brought up the break up, he didn’t call afterwards, and no emails also. But I saw him sometimes opening our private chat acct. I know he is expecting me to break the silence. As he would not say yes on it. He always said, he needs to figure out what he wants with his life. he said choose me and choose the marriage is totally different life path for him. therefore, he needs to be very sure of it and before it (according to him, not very long time later maybe after I graduates), the routine would be kept.
I felt very anxious these two days. I feel my heart beating very fast and sick from time to time. I also suffer from anxiety disorder as well. but I know, I should be strong this time. figure out what kinda of life I want, and what kinda of ppl I am, and what I should do to find myself back. before that, I might need to stay away from him by not contacting him at all.
all girls, can u tell me, is there any chance my MM can be different from others? what should I do? should I keep living with him from monday to friday. (like other girls, I would have no holiday memories with him and no vocations with him as he is doing it with his wife although he calls me when he can everyday). still it is very painful and torturing as u feel so little and powerless. while his wife can call him or come over here when she wanna to, I have to be waited for him to call and come and hope she wont pull him back. and as time is passing, I am so lost.
The journey of being deeply love with MM did change a person dramatically. I think it is the way we allow the mm to treat us make the changes happened. And by the time, u realize it, it is too late for u to figure out how to find urself back and how to leave him without expecting to find u back. The waiting thing is not only lasted in the relationship and it is also lasted after u wanna leave him or on the break. And it is the most scary part. When u lose the power and the MM also knows it, it takes a lot to find the way out of mess.
please help me out if u have the similar experience!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2010): Mod Note: name removed to protect privacyhey my name is xxxxxxxxxx and i'm the same situation. but i actually have a baby by him.When i first got pregnant, he told me avout his other babymother but i was told that they had no dealings onlt with their son.My cousin told me that he got married. my heart dropped! So, that's how that went. I picture my life with him daily. BUT MY COUSIN HAD TO LET ME KNOW that divorce is a long process and we're not going to be together.He is my heart but i have to face the fact that he's a married man. There's somebody out there for us we have them but they belongs to somebody else. wish you much luck on the search for prince charming........
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): my dearI was in a very similar situation. It will be hard, and then it will get harder but you will be okay and you will find everlasting love again. This man taught you that you can love and what type of love you are capable of. Be grateful for that, love no matter how much pain it puts you through is always worth it. But you and this man have no future...and its time for you both to move on.I think you know this is true deep down. He seems like he really cares about you since he wanted to try being friends for your sake, and you are lucky if he continues to give you support. He has made his decision for his life and yes he will be unhappy and thats hard for you because you love him but it was his decision and he must live his life. Do not let him make you miss out on your life too. You deserve to have someone you love and who is free to love you in return. Yes you have an undeniable connection with this man, and hes everything you could ask for(minus the wife) but he is not your man, your man is still out there and after this experience you are more capable to know who that is and it will be easier to find him. We all have to love someone who isnt good for us so that we know to find someone who is good for us. Breaking up with someone you really do love is one of the hardest things we have to do. But you need to do this so you can think clear and love again. Be grateful for this experience and remember all the good times. Love him and respect him for the fact that he is staying with his wife, because he is making a huge sacrifice ans that decision requires just as much strength as you deciding to leave him. You will need to take some time away from him physically. Go on a trip, surround yourself with other things, distractions. You will know when you are able to be his friend. good luck
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010): Girl, you are too young to be going through this. Cheaters are liars and they are selfish. At the end, you are the one that's going to have nobody and hurt. Stop all the connections with him now while you can. Get another job, change your number or even move to a different place. Do it for yourself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2010): I fell for a MM at work several months ago. It happened very gradually, starting with friendship, and has progressed into a huge sexual tension. He has since then escalated his flirtations to the point of coming on to me, which I very foolishly have played along with because of my strong feelings for him. But every time I try to get him to put his money where his mouth is, he has backed off, saying he doesn't want to be "that type of guy".
This man has led me on for months, and I have been foolish and enamored enough to let it continue, when I know I should have stopped him. I am hurt and angry and humiliated that I let him go this far, and all I ever think about is how much I want him, even though I realize that if he ever decided to go for it, I still would never have what I want. All he can offer is cheap sex on our lunch hour, and I want all of him, not just the parts he chooses to give me.
The pivotal realization for me to decide to get over him is that he never cared for my feelings during this whole game he has played--he has flirted, he has made suggestions, he has asked me to "show him" my body, and never once has he thought about how I have felt. He wants to have his turn-on at work, and most likely some material for his self-love, without giving me anything in return. And his wife cannot possibly know what he is up to, either, which makes me feel awful for what I have allowed so far.
I also have to let go of the humiliation I feel for trying to get him to come to me. I have said stupid things, I have let him read my unpublished novel, I have even written him seductive poetry. I feel so stupid for pursuing him, when I know better! I feel as if I have let go of my own self-control, and I think I am angrier at myself than I even am at him.
The best thing I can hope to do is remember that he is not a nice guy! He has no regard for me, only his own selfish desires. I am worth more than this, and so is his wife.
He is already a cheater just in the things he has done. I know that if I were his wife I would be devastated by his game with me. This was not some one-noght stand, which would be bad enough, but a seduction that has taken place over several months. He already is "that type of guy".
It is hard to work with a man you need to get over. We work closely together, and I have to see him at least once a week. The key is to try to remain professional, avoid being alone when you can (which is not possible for me, at least for 20 minutes every morning), and stopping any flirtatious overtures he makes. He can't pursue a sexual conversation by himself, and if I refuse to engage, he has to stop.
Always remember, those of you who find yourself desiring a married man, that you will never have what you want from him, and he is not who your heart makes him to be. He is fundamentally flawed just by the fact that he is married and coming on to you. It doesn't matter how great he is otherwise, that is the bottom line. He will always be unavailable to you, and always concerned only with himself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): if a relationship cost u pain...it is better to step out. you will be surprised that u will find a better man who is what u are looking for.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2009): u should try to keep urself away from him. please try to make urself understand thathe was only flirting u and he was never sincere with u. I also have the same experience but now i have learnt that such people only want to spent a short time with u because they never want to leave their good and peaceful life and they are not sincere with u.
hope u have understood...............
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2009): Did you ever have someone enter your life at a time when you were most vulnerable? They spoke sweet words, made you feel on top of the world, and thought that you were their soul mate? So many promises, so many excuses, so many lies. I have never met a con-artist until two years ago. We were both looking for some excitement and fun, but we instantly clicked and formed a strong friendship. That friendship turned into love...the greatest love I have ever felt. He said he was so in love with me and never felt such a strong connection to someone, so we planned a future together. But his circumstances did not allow our relationship to grow as it should. For he was leading a double life. One of deceit, trickery, and broken vows in the eyes of God. Oh, we had so much fun together for a while. Escaping into our own little world of just the two of us. We always met for lunch, went to the movies, went for walks, and talked every day and night. He was always available when I needed him, never denying my every wish. We were always out in public, never hiding our love away. Our intimate moments were incredible and addicting. It was perfect...for a while.Things began to unravel and I had begun to suspect that things were not as he made them appear. He swore he was getting divorced, even pretending to have a court date. I found out he built a brand new house and hid that from me for a year. His wife kept posting pictures of them together on her Facebook, talking about her hubby, listing him as the world’s greatest husband. But I stupidly wanted to believe his sweet words meant something, so I kept going, giving him every opportunity to honor his words and promises.I finally smartened up and made sure I found out as much as I could. I discovered he was involved with woman in another state. I read her tortured words of love for him. She was even planning a wedding with him. How foolish could I have been? I kept forgiving him every time I found out something new. I just wanted him to change. I wanted him to stop making a fool out of me. I wanted him to do the right thing. But it never came. I even tried to contact this other woman to ease her pain and tell her to stop hanging on for something that will never come, but she is afraid to see the real man behind this mask. He makes everything seem like it makes sense, when actually it does not. I am sorry I did not trust my instincts.How could I have looked the other way again and again? Denial, blinding love, foolishness, loneliness. I feel like I have been under a spell. I must have broken it off with him a 100 times, each time getting more intense. But it was like a magnet was pulling us together and I would fall under his spell again. So intense, so magical, so painful, so humiliating...all in one.You see, a con-artist will never admit he is wrong. His selfishness makes him believe he is entitled to what he thinks he deserves. He is a taker in every sense, manipulating you into believing his words. He is emotionally controlling and you begin to become the enabler. He robs you of your self-esteem, your values, and your integrity. He spins his web around you, holding you close. It feels like you need him to breathe. He is like parasite that invades your body, feeding off your every insecurity. He is afraid to look at himself and see who he really is…a weak, needy, coward who does not have the guts to be honorable. He wears the mask of a chivalrous man, who has sacrificed all to do the right thing. He shifts the guilt of his actions to those who have no knowledge of it, giving himself permission to live the life he feels he deserves.I will forever regret my participation in this crazy world he has created for himself. Strangely, I do not regret meeting him. It will take a long time to recover from this, but I will come out of it stronger and wiser. He will end up being a lonely, bitter old man, with nothing but the weight of how he has lived his life on his shoulders. I shamefully admit I was the other woman and I will wear that scarlet letter for the rest of my life. Some will read this and say I deserve everything I got and I cannot say I disagree. I never thought I would be this person, participating in something I so strongly despised. But I guess it is true...you can never judge someone unless you walk in their shoes. I will never walk in those shoes again.As of today, I am taking my life and my heart back. I am not wasting one more ounce of my energy, love, compassion, and friendship on this man. I will start the new year sure of myself and who I am…a great person who has a lot to offer a man who deserves me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2009): Did you ever have someone enter your life at a time when you were most vulnerable? They spoke sweet words, made you feel on top of the world, and thought that you were their soul mate? So many promises, so many excuses, so many lies.
I have never met a con-artist until two years ago. We were both looking for some excitement and fun, but we instantly clicked and formed a strong friendship. That friendship turned into love...the greatest love I have ever felt. He said he was so in love with me and never felt such a strong connection to someone, so we planned a future together. But his circumstances did not allow our relationship to grow as it should. For he was leading a double life. One of deceit, trickery, and broken vows in the eyes of God.
Oh, we had so much fun together for a while. Escaping into our own little world of just the two of us. We always met for lunch, went to the movies, went for walks, and talked every day and night. He was always available when I needed him, never denying my every wish. We were always out in public, never hiding our love away. Our intimate moments were incredible and addicting. It was perfect...for a while.
Things began to unravel and I had begun to suspect that things were not as he made them appear. He swore he was getting divorced, even pretending to have a court date. I found out he built a brand new house and hid that from me for a year. His wife kept posting pictures of them together on her Facebook, talking about her hubby, listing him as the world’s greatest husband. But I stupidly wanted to believe his sweet words meant something, so I kept going, giving him every opportunity to honor his words and promises.
I finally smartened up and made sure I found out as much as I could. I discovered he was involved with woman in another state. I read her tortured words of love for him. She was even planning a wedding with him. How foolish could I have been? I kept forgiving him every time I found out something new. I just wanted him to change. I wanted him to stop making a fool out of me. I wanted him to do the right thing. But it never came. I even tried to contact this other woman to ease her pain and tell her to stop hanging on for something that will never come, but she is afraid to see the real man behind this mask. He makes everything seem like it makes sense, when actually it does not. I am sorry I did not trust my instincts.
How could I have looked the other way again and again? Denial, blinding love, foolishness, loneliness. I feel like I have been under a spell. I must have broken it off with him a 100 times, each time getting more intense. But it was like a magnet was pulling us together and I would fall under his spell again. So intense, so magical, so painful, so humiliating...all in one.
You see, a con-artist will never admit he is wrong. His selfishness makes him believe he is entitled to what he thinks he deserves. He is a taker in every sense, manipulating you into believing his words. He is emotionally controlling and you begin to become the enabler. He robs you of your self-esteem, your values, and your integrity. He spins his web around you, holding you close. It feels like you need him to breathe. He is like parasite that invades your body, feeding off your every insecurity. He is afraid to look at himself and see who he really is…a weak, needy, coward who does not have the guts to be honorable. He wears the mask of a chivalrous man, who has sacrificed all to do the right thing. He shifts the guilt of his actions to those who have no knowledge of it, giving himself permission to live the life he feels he deserves.
I will forever regret my participation in this crazy world he has created for himself. Strangely, I do not regret meeting him. It will take a long time to recover from this, but I will come out of it stronger and wiser. He will end up being a lonely, bitter old man, with nothing but the weight of how he has lived his life on his shoulders.
I shamefully admit I was the other woman and I will wear that scarlet letter for the rest of my life. Some will read this and say I deserve everything I got and I cannot say I disagree. I never thought I would be this person, participating in something I so strongly despised. But I guess it is true...you can never judge someone unless you walk in their shoes. I will never walk in those shoes again.
As of today, I am taking my life and my heart back. I am not wasting one more ounce of my energy, love, compassion, and friendship on this man. I will start the new year sure of myself and who I am…a great person who has a lot to offer a man who deserves me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): When I read this I came to realize no matter how my feeling are similar to others the blunder I made has not been committed by any one of those who penned already.I was in love or you can say friends with my ex husband for 10 years. We did all our schooling together and always intended to marry each other we were very close hours of chats telephone call and then he moved to different country and our loe was still growing over the net. We then met in England where we both came for education for two years every thing was there the only thing missing was sex and he was the one who had a laid back attitude and since we were Muslims he thought we would do it once we marry… I came back to my home country while he was still there. I started working and met a guy at work of different nationality and started liking him during out likeness and going out he got married and although I felt bad but I was ok with it as I was committed to the first guy.My and my co worker got really intimate and enjoyed with each other a lot. He always used to tell me he wanted to marry me and still wants to but due to family he could not and I was fine with it and we continues our friendship and sexual relationship.Now last year I got married to my long distance bf and I was ready to forget my colleague.But the disaster occurred when on the wedding night I came to know he was impotent. Oh my God that was a nightmare. I did not tell this to any one and tried to keep it to me till 3 months after marriage ultimately I gave up and told my family I gave this guy some time to fix hi problems but all in vain. Mean while my colleague he took full advantage of the situation and we started going out although I never told him the issue with my husband. The colleague of mine was now very much in love with me and started to push me to get divorced so that we can marry. Being a Muslim he could keep his wife and marry me as well and I appeared to be fine with it since he assured him every single second he does not love her and will leave her soon he is just waiting for his son to get 4 years old so he can legally take him. He used to swear at her infornt of me and told me I m the only one he loves and he is totally for me.I started loving him madly and was following him as if I was possessed on the other hand my husband did not want to lose me but it was just getting hard on one side I had my incomplete marriage and on other hand this guy was head over heals in love with me and ready to marry.I did every single thing for him made my husband look even worse than he was in front of every one in my family so that they can support me getting divorce. He was nice guy but the only thing he was lacking was sexual performance which I was getting from other guy. It not just sexual part I loved this guy he was stylish , sexy good looking fit and attractive and I loved his intelligence and they way he handled me and wanted to marry me as soon as possible so I did not want to lose him.While my court case of divorce was going on , me and my colleague were so much in love during this I tired not to hurt my ex husband and always keep in touch and make sure he was fine, he was always caring and in love with me and I always wished he was fit sexually. During this colleague used to push me to do things fast as he can not wait and I love it that he loves me this much he was looking for flats talked to my brother already made me talk to his mother all this assured me that he is serious about our marriage.Well finally the day came when we were about to sign divorce and I was just telling my colleague that we r going to do it and then we will marry.Then I get biggest shock of my life he Dumped me and said he can not continue.What a situation ??? now I could not go back to the ex husband as we reach the divorce stage plus any way he was not fit also he wanted to join his family coz he suffered a lot because of me and wanted to continue his life too.Now the problem is this colleague of mine I have to see him every day,, I cant stop thinking of him I was and am still too much I love with him I helped him like any thing financially ,, took care of him always ordered lunch for him we had some great moments together in car around work in bed we traveled once together I can not forge him.I cried I reminded him all this and I left my husband for him but he has no answer no reasons of leaving him but this it will not work he even did not fear god as he made me leave my husband although he was impotent but he never knew it. I might have tried to work medically with my husband but I did not as I had an option.I once got pregnant with colleague but got it terminated coz it was not the right time.I was ready to go against family I loved him like crazy took care of him when he was sick down n upset. Pampered him gifted him.I think how rude the guys are even if they fall out of love is this the kind of behavior they should adopt with a girl. AT least as a human he did not have courtesy to see that I m getting divorce which was also a set back and still because I had long term relation with my husband and loved him once. I am in late 20s and divorced and single and am love less. My ex husband calls and check on me if I am fine.Now I am in feeling of guilt because of my ex husband , I can not forget my boy friend till date I wana hate him but it does not come from heart coz I was not playing as he was.So friends I feel my story is the worst but after reading I realize the fact that men are mean if they just want to have fun why they don’t tell this.I cry , regret miss both of them. I wish there was any way to get him back or totally erase him from my mind.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): WOW. Its all the same story just about. I thought our situation was special and unique...but...We all tend to believe we have met our soulmate. They all tell us to hang in there....they give us false hope...and most of if not all of the time they end it. Heres my story and ill try to make it short.
We are both pysicians, I am his resident, we were friends for a year first. We ended up over lunch telling eachother we had a crush...and the rest his history.
We have been together intimatly for a year and a half. He is 18 years older than me, with two young children.
A few months ago he told me he was ready and knew he was going to marry me and i didnt have to worry anymore. He even world call me by his last name. Looked at houses, ect. Then a week or two later he breaks up with me , and gets back together with me shortly after. He said he couldnt tell her yet, he wasnt ready, and couldnt imagine hurting his kids, but also cant imagine living with out me and "the longer we are together, the harder it will be for us to be apart" ect. and he just needs time to figure out how to do it.
Lately I can just tell things arent the same, and I feel like I am in prison, or having a nightmare. I cant break it off and I cant stay anymore either. I just feel like its ending, even though he denies it. I am starting to feel used, and hurt and mislead, false hope...ect. I dont understand this anymore. Sometimes I wish I would die.
I will keep yall posted....just wanted to share my story...by the way...it seems like all these men are just manipulative and selfish. I dont even think they realize how narcisstic and selfish they are even being. I almost dont even like him as a person anymore for how long he has let this keep going. It also completly baffles me that his wife doesnt know. His own daughter told his wife...i think dad is having an affair and she is only thirteen. She still isnt susicious...baffled....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2009): I don't know where I am going with this. All I know is that I am hurting and I just need to vent.I fell in love with a MM four years ago. I have known him for 5 years, I was, at one point, very good friends with his wife. But becuase we were such good friends, I tried never to show him ... NEVER. I never flirted, I never so much as told him how attractive I thought he was even on a friendly level, out of respect for his wife and our friendship.Then about 7 months ago .. this all started. Me and his wife were very close, and she started to have an affair. While he was at work, 14 hours a day 6 days a week, she was out with this other man (who also happened to be one of his friends). I also was friends with the man she was seeing on the side which made things very awkward and strange. I never said a word to him it was never my place to. Sometimes I am blindly loyal.Needless to say, a man can only go so long in denial. He knew how much time they were spending together, he was shattered and heart broken. It tore me up inside to see the man I love.. in such a state. The bomb dropped when his wife told me that this other guy had ask her to marry him, and that she she was considering leaving the marriage, that she no longer loved her husband *the man I was so in love with* It was only after this conversation with her, that I decided to tell him how I felt. I just wanted him to know it was going to be okay, and that he was loved and wanted and needed.I told him how I really felt, he was kind of floored * NEVER said a word about the proposal*. I didn't want him to think I was manpulating him in anyway, I loved him I knew if he knew ... it would just break him.We started spending even more time together. Talking all day everyday, in IM's while he was at work. He told me he loved me .. and we had this wonderful puesdoromance. He was loving, and kind.. and gentle. OUR relationship was never psychical.. EVER. But it was very intimate and touching. I never knew I was able to love in that way, he made me so happy. He was everything I had ever wanted ... and more.Well, his wife found out how much time we were spending together.. looking up our phone records, and even though she was considering marrying ANOTHER man ... became extremely angry.We talked about it, he said he needed time, and that I need to just leave him be. Which I did.A little over a month later I get a call from him ... him saying " I just wanted to talk to someone I know would be nice to me" which just broke my heart... We talked, we met, we joke and laughed .. it was like nothing had changed. We had dinner.I had missed him SO MUCH.and the cycle countiues like this ... ON and ON. I have never opened my mouth about the wife and her proposal.. but I know her and the other man still spend a great deal of time together. I feel it is not my place, that he must come to terms that she is not good for him on hiw own... you know? One moment I am the greatest thing in the world to him, and the next minute I don't even exist. I am sick of living like this .. but I love him so much, and I have made him such a large part of my life that I am not sure I can let him go.I think the same goes for him. He knows how upset she gets ... when we talk .. and yet he still calls me.. knowing she will look up the records.. still talks to me everyday .. he can't just let me go either ... and I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lost.He is amazing, he really is but I just can't do this to myself anymore.My heart is breaking. Everytime I say I'm just going to let him go .. I do really well for a few days and then buckle... Please, someone, anyone tell me how to rid myself of this intermiable pain....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2009): The only reason I looked up affairs on the internet tonight is because I feel myself getting way past the point of desperation. I feel like I could kill myself because I'm deeply in love with a married man. he is 34 and I'm 22. I struggled with my attraction to him but it was like a runaway train. I admired his work ethic, his sense of humor and his genuine 'nice guy' personality. We have worked together for the last three and a half years and were just casual friends. Then we started flirting and it escalated into multiple daily phone calls and then finally physical relations. It's been nine months and it seems we are only getting stronger, he calls me at random times, or shows up saying he doesn't want to go home tonight, but I make him go anyway because I have something in common with his wife- love for him, and I know how hard it is to be separated from him. At first dealing with the guilt (and the wanting to be intimate with him again)was overwhelming but I suppressed it. And he avoided me for a good week after the first time but then he came back around, apologizing, saying he didn't know why he was doing this to his wife because she loves him. We still don't know why we're doing this to ourselves. It's so hard for me now, sometimes if I don't catch myself I start to cry in public thinking about him. I choke back tears sitting next to my friends or my mother whenever he crosses my mind. Every night I cry myself to sleep picturing him next to his wife, wondering if tonight is the night they will make love. I know he loves me, he shows me in so many ways... but I know he loves her as well or else he wouldn't have stayed with her for 15 years. Our relationship feels more about 'capturing a moment in time'. My feelings of love for him far overwhelm the feelings of guilt I experience because of the hell I'm sure his wife and kids would go through if they found out the truth. We have no fantasies about him leaving her for me. He always says he wishes things were different, I could never ask him to leave her. God, my own parents divorced because of my dad cheating. I swore I'd never repeat that cycle, but it creeps up on you, and the longer you stay in it the harder it is to recover from the hurt. He knows that one day I will go off and end this. I contemplate that day, knowing it comes closer and closer. It's for my sanity, my peace of mind and so that the memories we have will be untainted, as strange a choice of words as that may be. I don't know where to find strength, or solace. It makes me sad to think that he might forget about me, after all he doesn't really need me in his life, although he says it would never happen, that we'll always be friends.... I could never forget him. I don't think I'd want to anyhow. He's taught me that life isn't always fair, that you should guard your heart, make your choices wisely, and in making those choices- deal with the consequences. There has been a lot of judgement on the part of people who suspect we are in a relationship, and of course it's complicated, but I know, and he knows, in spite of the pain, there's a little bit of joy as well. I will miss him so much.
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female
reader, Mrs.Right +, writes (30 July 2009):
Hi there I have not been here in a long time, is neat to read what I wrote back in Jan. ..I am not sure if anyone else feels this way, maybe it is denial, but I am not able to read what you are writing...I read mine to see where I was at in life then compared to now...BUT is it fear of the truth??..it really hurts me deep when I read all the stuff about how bad it is to be with MM..and how you are second..etc. etc. it gets me so down..I wanna read what you wrote but ever since Jan. I have not had the courage...anyone else feel this way??..if you are reading this guess not...but maybe at one time you were and are not afraid now...any advice??...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): I met my partner three years ago, he is married, we have an amazing relationship, but it is not sexual, he is impotent. Its purely emotional.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): Hi Ive been here done this several times i guess what we all have to look at is why do we do this to our selfs for me i like the fact hes not going want me full time to start with have my own space etc, but then when the love kicks in (which it always does girls we always fall for the wrong ones) i want him to be with me and lets face it these guys arnt looking for that there looking to have there cake and eat it does any married man ever really leave there wifes for the mistress if they have kids there always attached to the wifes forever and ask yourself are u women enough to stop him straying after all he cheated with you whats says he wont do the same to you you have to remeber all the times he cant spend with you christmas day birthdays valentines day holidays all these are the times he should be with you but he cant cause hes married have you ever kept picking your mobile up to check it works because he hasnt rung u and u cant ring him incase hes with her the term out of site out of mind comes in for me these guys love us until they think we are geting to close to there other world then they have a knack of feeling guilty doesnt matter they been playing away for months years even sometimes they suddenly have the guilt thing. girls if we didnt let these guys use us which is what there doing we are mearly a distraction until life in there other world picks up or until another mistress blinded by his frim thighs comes along. Now dont get me wrong theres women out there like this too some who love the chase but dont want the other stuff that goes with it me ive been on the other end too my ex hubbie add an affair i found out (as wifes always do) i di for a time think it was my fault cause he let me believe it was me not doing the things he wanted not loosing weight quick enough you know after a time of beating myself up i suddenly realised it wasnt my fault he was the one with the problem and now i think if someones going cheat they will no matter how good a wife you are may be its in there souls or may be we arnt ment to be with one person forever and ever lets face it girls we wont die from a broken heart so my advice to you hunni is do your crying to love songs grief for the loss of love you thought u add but rember he may have freeded you up for your night in shinning armour to sweep you off your feet lippy on girl and look at the world with open eyes they arnt all the same the guy who wants to love you and only you may be just round the corner be happy is the best way to pay him back x
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009): I have recently broken it off with a married man.. i waited on him hand and foot did every last thing he wanted me to do .followed his every command came bak and forth to his house (he works states away from his home)..around 10,000 miles from sept. to april to be with him then bak home 2 my son i didnt want to loose connection with.. but in a way did.. it took me realizing my son hadnt really had his mom home for 1 1/2 years..but as a visitor it seemed..it was looking into my sons eyes and thinking of all the nite i wasnt there to tuck him in as i had done since birth to his 8 years of age and now hes nine and hes asking me to please stay home im seeing the insecurity the fear in his eyes of loosing me i see the scars i have put in his heart and mind..and i chose my son..the married man told me he was single i found out after falling in love mths later he was married but he lied an said he was divorcing..he was rude speaking to my son so i left my son at home with his 30 year old daughter raising him.. how had i forgotten he was a blessing sent from heaven how had i misplaced my role . the married mans lies kept me reeling..telling me someday we would all b a family . inoticed the months slipping into a year then year and half.. my mind constantly fighting between his lies and my own common sense..the married man confessed his neverending love.. held me in his arms.. even as she (his wife) called.. hung up the phone and said u are my wife not her.. then said my name with his name on the end of it.again and again .. and made me repeat the same to him..then he started hiding his phone.. or not letting me touch it .. hed get calls and walk away..it wasnt his wife he was cheating with any woman who he could get a number from.. telling them the same that he was not married and that he was only with me because i was dieing of cancer or that i only came to borrow money he was such a marter helping this poor pitiful woman out..lol.. idont have cancer that i know of hope not ..and i wasnt with him for money..he knew this because i got behind on every bill at my house bak home and he didnt care long as he was taking care of him and his...to make a long story short i called all the womens numbers and they gave me the info above.. i then called his wife and told her..shes an alcoholic that loves him.. he drove her over the 20 some years of marriage cheating and beating on her .. she said she wasnt mad at me.. i asked her not to tell the kids. but she got drunk and told them about it.. now im feeling so hurt because i told her and the children that its hard to explain but they also became mine talking with him about them for all that time..they are older children.. but it hurts still the same i pray for 4giveness and for god to ease their pain.. then i look into my sons eyes and i think of all the pain that he has been inflickted with and i thank god i got out of that relationship in what ever way i thought it had 2 be done..we have bonded again my son trusts me to be there every day and to never let him down again.. and i WONT!!!!!!!!!i will never know if calling the wife was right or wrong..but what i do know is i made it so i could never b bak with the manipulative drunken lier again..and i know my next relationship will be hard to trust him.. and i have to watch closely so i dont interact the last horrible one with a good one.. if the good one doesnt call me for hours or whatever i have to know hes not sleeping with whomever he can find in the meantime. and its gonna be hard to re establish that learned behavior into a positive growing trusting one so i can have a "real" relationship but i gotta do it.. God will show me the way and he will put me on the path to righteousness no more do i have to lay there and feel dirty and stupid for being with a married man who is lieing through his teeth....
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): It is so painful for me to admit that I am having an affair with a married man, and that I am in love with him. But it's true. I thought I was alone until I saw this website. I am going through my own version of the same hell that is being described here a hundredfold. I empathize so much with you ladies, and the more I read, the more disgusted I feel about him. I did a Google search in desperation, to see how many others are suffering like this. It is truly appalling. Please see my latest email to him (and help me to begin the process of breaking it off, I know I need to):
I am terrified, once again, of hitting the send button. I am going to caveat the following email with this statement: I am not trying to make everything about me. I am trying to tell you (and have been trying to tell you) that I am really suffering with a legitimate problem. This is at the forefront of my mind. Not small talk. Not the weather. Not the rain. Not the little happy fun facts that we both live in because we both have strange, bizarre lives. It is this.
Thank you for taking the time to write such a nice email. I do appreciate it.
Having said that, I am feeling scared (again) of telling you how I am really feeling inside. I read your email yesterday and I didn't want to respond. I am afraid that I have also been envisioning our reunion, but it's not as rosey as how you describe it. I was looking forward to this email from you, because last week you said you would respond to the fact that I am deeply hurting.
Instead, you told me about how relaxed you were all week. I am glad you were relaxed, and I am very glad you rescued two little dogs, but I can't help but wonder if you have forgotten that I have been on edge. More than that. I've been crying myself to sleep every night for the last four weeks. Remember? You told me you aren't rejecting me, which is the root of all my insecurities and fears, but your below email felt like a form of rejection! I hate to say that, because I know you wrote very lovingly, but I can't deny it either.
And it's not the distance. It's not the fact that you need space and your own life. It's not even the marriage alone. It's the fact that you treat me like I don't exist, and you hide me like I am a problem. Am I a problem? You have created a secret email account for 'us', because why again? And I am supposed to think that is brilliant?
I really thought you would encourage me yesterday. You used to respond fully to me. You used to make me feel like you cared about my feelings.
Lately it seems like you half-respond, but ignore certain other things that I say. Example: when I told you that I didn't like it that you changed my name and are now hiding my emails. You didn't respond one word to that. Are you purposefully ignoring me, and trying to push me into your world of blissful hiding and ignoring reality?
I WON'T DO THAT. THAT IS NOT ME.
I truly do love you, and that is the only reason I have remained with you. But I am hurting, hurting, hurting. I literally cry myself to sleep every night. I think about you being in bed with your wife and I wonder, is tonight the night they have sex?
But I could even deal with that, I think, if that's what you SERIOUSLY wanted with your life. But that would only be if I knew that you were living your life honestly, and that OUR relationship wasn't being kept a lie, under the rug. It makes me feel like a complete monster. Are you ashamed of us? Are you embarrassed to have me in your life? What exactly makes you so scared that you change my name and hide my emails? How can you say you love me when you would rather have me walk away than tell the truth?
This is killing me. I feel as though I have changed from a woman you love to......?? I don't even know what. Somebody that satisfies something you need, I guess. I see you (the man I love more than any other person) as someone who has positioned himself at the center of the universe, manipulating everyone in his life to get all the things he wants. And you hide behind a shroud of humility by saying it's not about you. But it is. You deceive and hide the REAL you from everyone so that you can have everything......and how am I any different? Are you REALLY real with me? Do you REALLY tell me the truth? I know you hide things from me to, because you don't talk about how you are feeling when you are with your wife, you don't actually talk about her at all. What's worse, I know you are intimate with her.
Do you love her but pretend not to in front of me? Do you love me and pretend not to in front of her? Oh....right....I DONT EXIST, so you don't have to pretend not to love me....you obviously have no idea how much it hurts not to exist. Try to imagine it.
This is breaking my heart. And you keep hiding.
I am so ashamed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2009): Can understand how difficult it is to get over. I am in a similar situation. Met him several years ago through my work and he invited me for a drive. I was young and he was my first so called DATE! He never said he was married or attached and despite him being a very very ordinary looking guy I made the mistake of falling in love. By the time he told me it was too late as I cared. Still did not want to upset his life, I left the country and took up a job overseas. He followed me came to see me several times and though we never became physically intimate, it was very very special. I felt a guilt always knowing that I will never like if my husband did that hence kept moving to far off places and lost myself in my work. Never could get over him and could never love anyone else. 23 years later he came back in my life - nothing has changed in his life and took me no time in falling in love with him again. He is the only relationship I have ever had. Don't want to do anything to damage his life, his family, his reputation and yet I feel I just let the life pass by me. Open yourself to other people, other relationships because even if he leaves his wife and family and starts a life with you, the feeling of guilt will never leave you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): Hey
girl om going through the same thing your goint through, i need help too. i got to a point right now that im hurting really bad deep down inside and right now he still want to be in my life.maybe we both can help eachother get throughh this, The only person i can turn to is GOD. i never thought i would put myslef in this suitutaion. NOW look what i have done.Everying you said in you writing i felt it cause i'm going through it. so when you get this please write back
Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009): Never in my life would I have imagined getting involved with a married man, but it happened.At 18 I was engaged to this wonderful young man from my church, but he ended up going into the military and met someone else and broke our engagement. I ended up with someone who was the "rebound guy." Got pregnant by him and married him after only knowing him for 6 months. I never really loved him but married him for financial support and to help raise the child. We were married for 25 years and had three children. I was miserable the whole marriage but stayed until all the kids were grown. I had just been sperated from my husband for about 7 months when I met my former fiancee at a work conference. Come to find out he worked at another location for the same organization. I had no idea that he was even living near me now as I had moved far away from where we lived when we were engaged.We spent some time that evening catching up on our lives. I told him how miserable I had been in my marriage and that I had never truly gotten over him. He told me that his marriage was on the rocks too and that he was wanting to leave his wife but was difficult because they have two teenage sons. He told me he had always loved me too and that leaving me for the other girl was a huge mistake. After that, we had no contact with each other until another conference that I ended up attending in the city in which he lives. We managed to have lunch together with a group of co-workers and after that, we started emailing and confiding in each other and like everyone else decided that we were soul mates. I told this man stuff that I have never told anyone, not even my husband or closest friends or family members. He is the only person I ever felt comfortable with to tell these things to.He lives about three hours away. On occassion, his job brought him within an hour or so of where I lived, so we would meet and have dinners and then of course it ended up that I would meet him at his hotel. Many nights we just layed together and held each other without having sex. Then one night after three hours of kissing and holding we ended up making love. We both feel horrible about it but can't seem to stay away from each other, though we have not had sex again. We email and chat everyday. He says he is trying to figure out a way to leave his wife. She knows about us but insist she wants to stay with him anyway and make the marriage work. He doesn't love her but feels obligated to try and make it work. He has given it several months and insists they are no longer sleeping together and that he doesn't love her, but he can't financially afford to leave. Her sister will be moving in with them soon and will be paying rent. He assures me once that happens he will be able to leave. Then he will change his mind and say he thinks he needs to give it more time. He seems to be confused as to what he wants. I distanced myself from him for awhile so he could make up his mind. He tells me he is sure he wants to leave but seems to come up with excuses why he can't. I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I don't want to lose him again like I did so many years ago. I can't believe he would be brought back into my life after all these years just to be taken away again. However, I am tired of waiting for him to get the nerve to leave his wife. He says he wants her "permission" to leave. He is a nice guy and doesn't want to hurt her. She won't give permission and he can't make himself just walk out.So, here I sit waiting and wondering if he will ever follow through. My divorce will be final in a couple of weeks and I am wondering if I shouldn't just give up and move on, but I love him so much that I can't imagine my life with anyone but him. Never, ever, did I think I would be in a situation like this, so I feel for all of the women who have posted on this site. I too never imagined there were so many women dealing with this same problem. Reading the postings has helped tremendously.And to those who have posted nasty comments about us, you have no idea until you are in the situation yourself. No one ever intentionally sets out to fall in love with a married man.
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reader, Barbi69 +, writes (22 April 2009):
Thank you for your support. Appart from my life tragedy (being pregnant, in love and left on my own) there is question on my mind: how could he have done it to me? Would any of you be telling pregnant woman about deep love, assuring about good future and suddenly cut off all contact?
He went home probably argued with his wife, by now everything is ok and left me with hope getting away with all damage he done.
It hurts; he shouldn`t be getting away with it; its so unfair.
I am really suffering, I am 3months pregnant, I have very low income, poore health not to mention that I am crying constantly and he is happy home. How could he?
I fancy some kind revange but I guess there is nothing I can do.
I haven`t decide about baby yet; its braking my heart into smaller pieces.
Its a life tragedy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009): Barbi69- Thing is he made a decision to walk away from you. Seems to me that this is his final decision and there's no turning back for him. Telling you to get an abortion is a surefire sign of this. The baby links him to you and he wants to sever all ties with you. The fact is he wants nothing more to do with you. Actions speak louder than words and if nothing has happened in terms of him contacting you to say anything other than "get an abortion", than truth be told he has decided to subtract you from his life.In terms of the baby, you have to think about what is best for you. This is about you now. Having the baby is not something that will bring a man back if he has decided wholeheartedly to walk away for good. I wouldnt say get an abortion or do not get an abortion. Be aware of this though: Don't lose sight of the job as a fulltime mother-the responsibilities of bringing a life into this world by focusing so much and gambling on the chance of using the baby once he/she is born as "collateral" for him to come back to be with you. Let's say he doesn't come back after you do have the child, now what?Don't play around with what-ifs, girlfriend. Look at the facts.Maybe he did love you and he did care for you. And if he really did love you, turning you away may have been as painful for him as it is now for you. Men are wired differently than us. They don't like to explain their feelings to us, they don't like to justify their behaviors with us so that in the end we can come to terms with what happened, find some closure, and be at peace with it. Men just don't like to talk about things like that because believe it or not it is actually harder for them to talk about it and deal with it than it is for us.If he loved you maybe completely cutting ties with you was his own way of dealing with it...dealing with how he had to let it all go with you because he had to choose between you or his wife. I know it hurts but you have to accept that it is what it is...I don't know how long you have been seeing him but if it has been awhile and he wanted to instead be with you than he would have chosen you.On the bigger picture when he said he'd be a part time father,in the end, honestly, is that something that you could be willing to accept? Could you accept him as only a part time lover and father to your child? A child and the mother of the man's own bearing deserves better than that. Also if he could cheat on his wife than he could most definately cheat on you as well if you ended up together.Love is never easy and to fall in love is to risk, and this situation has brought you into a dark spot in your life. I know its hard but you need to find the strength to accept the hard, unfair facts that this situation has brought, tuck it away, and look for tomorrow. Deep down you know what you need to do to feel better in peace of mind for tomorrow. Letting go is never easy but it can be done. Time is the ultimate healer. This is about you so do yourself a favor and remove all thoughts and other aspects relating to him away from your life. Think about others that you may meet tomorrow, next week, next month...the one that will give you the good you deserve. If you live in the past you will miss everything from the future that comes right past you. By analogy letting go is like bungee jumping. You're afraid to do it which may lead you to not want to do it. But once you do let go from the edge, everything just falls into place, and in the end everything is ok.
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reader, Barbi69 +, writes (21 April 2009):
thanx for your answer. The problem is that I am pregnant with MM. After he left me 1month ago all I got was one phone call saying `have abortion`. I love this man deeply, he is love of my life. to be honest i hope that if I had a baby with him he would come back to me one day.I can`t funcion anymore; I feel like I`ve died one month ago, its not getting any better with time, it hurts more every day, he is on my mind; I can`t stop thinking about him and asking myself why he done it to me. I know that he loved me and he used to say that love wont go away easly, that love will always find a way, that I was special to him; so why? what happend? I know that his why found out, but why he can`t call me and talk to me; he used to care so much about my feelings and now suddenly cut off all contact. What should I do? Should I have abortion and loose any chance to see him? He was saying that he would help me when baby is born, that he will be `part time` dad and after he went home (he lives in US) everything has changed. Doesn`t he care about me anymore? My life doesn`t make sense anymore; I wish it ends today; this man was everything to me.PLEASE, PLEASE HELP
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reader, maivtsu +, writes (21 April 2009):
Barbi69-this is to you. I'm sorry to hear about your situation and I'm even more sorry to hear that you have became a victim of such that the mind-boggling circumstance has cut you down to the very soul to where you cannot function. We woman have all been there in emotional distraught over an ended relationship be that with a married man or not. Good things don't last. It never does:..."So Eden sank to grief, so dawn goes down to day. Nothing gold can stay"-Robert Frost.
All we have left are stinkin' memories. But we have promises to the future for new men to enter into our lives. They always come like a knight in shining armor. They come to us, they sweep us off our feet, give us burning desires. Some don't make it along the way with you...But dont give up yet. It's only a matter of time before that right one comes for you.
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reader, maivtsu +, writes (21 April 2009):
It takes a strong person to walk away from a situation like this. To be brutally honest, you walked yourself into unforgiving territory, and broke the moral code of what's right. You said you were religious and being religious requires doing what's right that comes from both the combination of what's in your head and what's in your heart. You followed what your heart wanted; What it wants may not always necessary be the right thing--in this case--and you neglected to use your head. I say this situation is unforgiving because the consequences and now what you have to endure are unforgiving. The magnitude of the emotional trauma that it will do can't possibly be fathomed as it is dependant upon how deep it has gotton. Based on what you have said, it may take a long time to become "ok" and move on. It is what it is...it will never be like how you want it to be. The longer you prolong this and not walk away, the more this will be painful. SO DO IT NOW. Make that decsion to walk away, sever the ties and stop torturing yourself. It hurts to but it's only going to be worse if you play on the false pretense that one day you and him may just be together. Look at the reality--here are the facts: He is married and does not plan to leave his wife
therefore there will never be a future between you and him. You love him but he cannot commit to you. It hurts you when he is with his wife when you want him to be with you...Y'see? it will never be. Sometimes when you get caught up in the middle of it all, it is hard to think outside the box and see the facts for yourself. Throw in the towel sista and have the courage to walk away. Good luck
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reader, Barbi69 +, writes (20 April 2009):
I`ve been dumped one month ago by MM because his wife found out. He was my everything; my friend, my lover; all my world. I am pregnant by him. All I got was one phone call from him saying just `have abortion` and one from his wife saying that I made him better person and that now he appreciates her. I can`t copy with it. Endless tears are falling, down, my heart is broken, I feel empy, hopeless. I am looking at his profile on social network hoping that he will come to town one day for buissnes(he is 5000miles away!) and I`ll meet him; he used to come here twice a month. Today I sow that he changed his plans and wont come to UK anymore; it was like he stub me in my heart.
I didn`t go to work, I didn`t eat; I don`t feel anything appart from sadness which is killing me. Few days ago I tried to end my life.
Please help me, I can`t copy, I`ll never get over him. I want him to call me, to tell me that he is missing me, that I am his angel as he used to say. I love him so much, I can`t live without his love. I know that he loved me; what happend, why he doesn`t call me? Why he doesn`t care about me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): Hi I am also in love with a married man. This is the first time I looked at a married man website and this is the first time I told anyone about this relationship. IT has gone on 4 years. I'm smarter than this. Just stuck. My husband and I are separated just can't go through two breakups I don't think. I will be back to check any responses in a day or two. Fridays kinda suck at work as my MM is thinking about his weekend. I really don't want to look like I cried tonight tomorrow.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): Hi, I am also in very bad situation. I am in love in MM with two kids. He is senior to me with 14 years. I have three kids and i just left my husband. My situation is evan worse. I am financially tied with this guy. Without his monthly support i would not be able to rent a flat and be on my own. He has organised me an other job and more money also for the future. All he says is that i am his first affair in 25 years, he loves me like crazy and he will never let me go. But he also loves his wife. I am very highly educated and so is he. His wife is and always has been a housewife whose life's mission has been to serve his husband. He was obsessed with me two years and then i opened my heart for him and now we have been together nearly every week for a year. We live in different countries and speak different languages (our common language is english which is not our first language). The more time passes through the more i am sad. And i dont know if it is something special that we have or is it all the same. Should i stop it or should i continue. If i stop it then how on earth i continue financially, i would need to go back to my husband which i dont want to do. I have a good job but its not enought to bring up three kids alone. All i know is that i dont deserve this, i dont want to be a lover.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2009): my mm has also broken up with me for last almost 2 months.and now its a mental torture for me when i face him at my work place.he is so unaffected.and he seems very normal.it pains me a lot.now i really feel shame on me that i trusted him so much and what has he done.actually i refused to get physical with him .it clearly shows that what his actual desire was.he gave his best to me when he started flirting with me.and how stupid i was that i beleive him so much.anyways its a lesson for me.i got my punishment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2009): Finally I broke communication for good and this time since I told him that he was the one who was with a spouse and not I, not once has he tried to get back in touch with me because I think I hurt his ego and I also hurt his wife who saw my messages where I said I hated her. Actually I cannot say anything about her, I do not even know how much she knows. But it shows how easy it is for him to drop me. Makes me cry still...but now its not as bad and not everyday. Only on some. I agree , its better to be sad and alone than to be sad with someone who is so callous that it hurts even more to know that you are nothing to him but a break from his monotonous life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): I to just had a relationship end with a MM. He was 15 yrs older then me and told me to keep waiting "Hang in there..". I did for 2 1/2 years. Then out of the blue he is the one that ends it. Came over one day, yelled at me, said "I never told you I was divorcing my wife..." and "you should of known better then date a married man". Told me he never loved me, blah, blah, blah. Called me twice since, but just to say quickly he will call me later. Figured he did that to make sure I don't call his wife.
Its been 3 weeks now, I cried everyday. Thought I was going to have a breakdown. Then I think "Why did I do that". I am younger then him, make more money, and he is not much to look at. Sex wasn't even that great. He wife doesnt work due to being overweight and having back problems. And all we did was see each other on weekends, have sex, and I waited on him. Maybe its a ego thing; I broke up with him several times, but always took him back believing his promises. Then he breaks up with me. I'm dumb founded I guess. Maybe he got caught, I don't know.
I still cry, still hurts, but eases everyday. He came in my life when I had been alone for 3 years and I guess I was lonely. I look back now though; I'm sad now, very sad. But I was also sad with him. I cried when I was with him. I was angry and confused when I was with him.
Sometimes its better to be sad and alone then with someone and still feel sad and alone. I can feel that way by myself thank you.
I just needed to vent. I'm tired of crying over someone who was as callous as him. It is my karma coming back to me; but I have shut that door so hopefully good luck will find me real fast.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): very true,they are shameless guys who have no respect for any moral value.they just know only how to ditch young innocent girls.they know very well how to take advantage and play with emotions and feelings of someone.they can fall to any level for that.Be strong and dont ever show them that we are so affected by this.just think that we have done something wrong in our previous birth that our heart is broken by such bastards.it was our punishment nad now the bad part of our life is over.thaeir part in our story is over.they are dead for us.we are worth much much more.have faith in god.if he is giving us some pain then he also gives us strenth to bear it.so that we can become more strong and can handle our life more seriously and with lot of caution.we should set some standards for ourselves that now we ll not trust such bastards anymore.God Bless you all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): I know that feeling and trust me...I am speaking from experience..it's been 3 months since I broke contact with the MM I was in love with...and I think its really important to be very strong during the initial period...and ensure you don't lapse into it again....One of my friend suggested this and it worked for me...Think that you are undergoing Chemotherapy.....Just live through the pain, taking each day at a time...it will get better with time....
I know how difficult it is and I know how heartless MM can be..and it's true that they are the ones who initiate interest and the reason is simple...
They are secure because they have a wife at home to go back to. They would not dare to flirt like this or have the confidence to be so charming when they were single..which was the reason they end up with wives who are losers like them....
The MM I loved was married to a Thai woman...I am not sure what she is like but surely she may have married him for economic security alone and not for love....It is not to blame her because she was dependent on him..but in a way he took advantage of her economically inferior situation...
I have never posted an answer on such a site before but it was by reading such articles during this phase of my life that I was able to get out of it....Trust me dear friends I want all of you who have been in such a terrible situation to benefit and have faith that you can come out of it...
A woman's heart is so tender and precious..it's not worth allowing such shallow men to trample over it.....Save it for a man who really deserves it....
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): yes..but you know what is disturbing me a lot is he is so unaffected and normal as if nothing happens to him.he laughs loud,talking everywhere.as if i have done something wrong .seriosly when i see him behaving like this .i really feel to slap him .look what kind of people are existing in this world.person who used to swear on god to convince me.nowadays changed completly.i hate myself for being so stupid before.how could i trust such a shameless person who doesnt have heart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2009): I am so sorry to know what you are going through, but I am exactly in the same situation as you are so I can understand what you are going through. I just think that we know eventually we have to move on, and it is very hard yet it’s something we have to do so the only thing we can do is prepare ourselves mentally and hopefully we will get through this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): reply to Freya70,i totally agree with you.that its always MM who start an affair.girls are just emotional they think that whatever this man is saying its all truth.they dont have any intention to break anyones marriage.but wrong person is that who gives false hopes to all innocent young girls.definition of love is totally different for them and girls.For Girls it is a very pure and most beautiful thing ever happened in their life.But for MMs,Love is only Lust.I do have full sympathy with their wives too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): if i would have been a bitch with him then i wud have got physical with him in very initial stages .he was ready to ditch his wife i never allowed him to do so.neither i had any intentions to do soo. i was just got emotional with him ,nothing more.it seems that you have so much sympathy to these kind of men who knows very well how to use an innocent young girl who are emotional by heart.
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reader, freya70 +, writes (19 February 2009):
 This is a reply to flicka 23...it's your oppinion and you're entitled to it but before you get so over judgemental maybe you should ask yourself whether it is us....is it us that should leave them alone(it's usually the married man who starts the affair)or is it that all MM should be true to their marital vows in the first place?If they don't care about them....that has nothing to do with me.You can't choose who you fall in love with...but you can choose what to do in a situation like this.I chose me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): I am also going through the similar experience these days.seriously these MM are bloody selfish.they can cross all limits to convince you .ultimately they only want to use us,nothing else.he said so may lies to me .he used God also to make me sure that how much he loves me. i dont trust people very easily .but i just got trapped in his false statements .and 3 months ago ,he left me all alone in tears because i refused to get physical with him.i was about to finish it myself.then i found so many articles on net and now really feeling much better. those are shameless guys.
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reader, flicka23  +, writes (19 February 2009):
 I read your story and a couple of other stories. You are all complaining how your married man has been a bastard to you but why don't you think how you have been a bitch to the wife. Have you ever thought of your married man's wife? Maybe you are suffering for a purpose, to learn to leave aside married man who has made marital vows to another woman.
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reader, freya70 +, writes (14 February 2009):
Hm, un update...
After a deliriously painful Christmas and New Year's Eve my MM and I met again.Not a word why he hadn't tried to contact me in 3 weeks...he said not to push him because HE is the one that has to decide...Hello?What about me?
Do I count for anything?
I left for a holiday on January 12.Not a word from him in all this time.Seems obvious he made up his mind.
He just forgot to tell me...
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2009): Oh hon. You have to find another job. DON'T TELL HIM YOU ARE LOOKING either. He will sabotage it. 2: By being nice and loving you are ENABLING him to stay married. YOU make his boring home-life tolerable. Notice, none of that is about YOU... it's all about him isn't it. Thats the way of lying using married men hon. If you can't find another job right away due to this economy, find another boyfriend. Quick. It will ease the transition. 3: Don't count on it that YOU are the only one. He SAID he was working from home the day you wrote this question. My first thought, was he got extremely uncomfortable with all the loving closeness with you the night before... and had to distance himself. So. I would bet that he didn't spend the day with his WIFE, I bet he was with yet someone else. Sorry to sound so harsh honey, but that is what these men do. They are the "dance-away" lovers. Close, then far. Repeat. Hot, then cold, Repeat. He is emotionally unavailable. By having two women, it keeps him from truly having to give his entire self to ONE. He is VERY comfortable in this. Find a way out, you don't even have to tell him. Find a new job in secret, find a new boyfriend, find a new apartment and don't tell him where. Escape. There is NOTHING but heartache in this for you honey.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009): It is amazing that we all have very very similar stories! I dumped my "unavailable man" a few days ago; but since I've already done that about a dozen times in 4 yrs I really wasn't sure I could stick to the plan. UNTIL... I read some of your experiences. All along, for FOUR years I have held the belief that if he would "just leave her" or "just get his own place" or "just move out" to somewhere, anywhere (!) then we would gradually mesh into each other's lives - eventually end up living together ({sympathetically "giving him TIME" you know (gag me lol)}, and maybe (hopefully) end up married. But OMG! I never once considered that he might do to me what some of your men have done you. But it is likely. Because these men are BIG CHICKENS. As in.... once he's "out"... he might go back to her. OR still see her.... or allow "her" to come over to his place. Wow. I had believed his new digs would be "our" sanctuary. I'm pretty naive huh? lol. So. That did it for me. To KNOW that the magic of him "leaving her" might not really mean he is going to stay away from her, or move me in with him, or he move in with me, or yes, marry me. Wow! THAT is one more humiliation which I cannot stand to risk. I now see, that it could very well happen that way. So sad. I am in my 50's. Age has no restriction on hopeful stupidity. I went into menopause during this tumultuous 4 years, I got wrinked, I feel I wasted the last best years of my nice appearance. Please don't do that to yourself. When you get over 50 you begin worrying about retirement. Guess what, either his wife will get a part of his or he doesn't have one. Seems men unable to commit also do not plan very well for retirement. Its their ability to deny reality. Most men end up having a higher income than women and paying more into social security. But if he never marries you, you are on your own. No widows benefit for you after he is gone either. Time is wasting, don't waste your youth. Life can be short.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): Fantastic responses here. I, like the rest, have fallen for an emotionally unavailable man. We girls are all one. Take the support here and use it to help free yourself. NOW! (i know it's hard). In my search for this site I happened upon a British site that is wonderful. Full of humor and snappy insight. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk This gal knows us inside and out, and how we are meshing our own foibles with the man's. EUM means Emotionally Unavailable Man. By keeping himself married.... he is keeping himself from being truly emotionally attached to ANY woman. Even you. Think about it. Best Wishes girls, we need it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2009): I do find it very amusing that many women are in the same situations as myself. - Good luck you all in finding the love you all deserve.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2009): Hi there.. I wrote my story on 16th November 2008.. Just a newsflash update... My married guy finally left to join his family.. I heard nothing for weeks then he rang and reeled me back in with his I will always love you, miss you, we will always be best friends propaganda.. This all just happened when I was just about healed and all accepting that he had done the right thing and all the rest.. So he continued sending me messages here and there saying when he comes back he wants to meet up.. I told him I don't think its a good idea and stuff.. anyway to get to the point he returns and the day after his return I am expecting him to call or message.. he does and sends me a really rude message.. saying don't ring me or text me ever again I'm changing my numbers I don't want to hear from you ever again.. It really threw me because all along I had always been supportive of him doing the right thing by his family... saying we shouldn't be in contact and stuff and he was the one pushing for it.. I mean don't get me wrong this has worked out for the best for me and has enabled me to move on. Why I am writing this is to show that I honestly believed with all my heart I was someone really special to him.. that we had a connection.. we were the love of each others lives and all the rest, but due to the circumstances we would never be together. Then in the blink of an eye for whatever reason I just got kicked to the kerb.. I just want to say this to warn you girls that while you think your so special to these guys.. your not.. If something goes down between them and their wives your going to get dropped like a stone.. Their loyalties are not going to be with you otherwise.. they'd be with you.. So just try to prepare your mind and expect for that day to come. One day their wives are going to get close to catching them and their going to make that call.. What means more to me? And you'll be the loser.. So don't let it come to that.. Don't wait till you become the loser.. When it happens you'll feel very foolish and degraded and regret not making the stand sooner, you either want to be with me or you don't? If they don't just walk away..
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2009): To the anonymous reader dated 10 January 2009. I about laughed out loud when I saw your entry and situation not because I think you are an idiot but because my situation right now is almost identical to yours. I am 30 and my MM is 33 years my senior. We also met at work started e-mailing about work and then texting. I mean I could have have been you and vice versa. He also tells me he loves me to eternity and that he is unhappy with his wife but is only staying for the children although the youngest is a junior in high school and the other 2 are out of the house. I finally gave him an ultimatum last week. He promised to talk to his son and then went back on his words last night. I ended everything and told him I do not want to have anything to do with him anymore. This morning he had the nerve to send me an e-mail saying he loves me to etenity and will always love me. I told him to stop spouting lies and to never e-mail, call or text me. It felt good. I also went ahead and sent his wife e-mails he had sent me and told her to pull up txt messaging records or I could forward them to her if she wanted. I am doing anything I can to make it as final as I can. It feels good that I hvae control of my life again. I really really hate him and myself for being so stupid before. Ladies out there, these MM are selfish bastards who is only concerned about me, myself and I. Everything they tell you are lies to get what they want. gather the stregth and break the cycle of self destruction. You are worth so much more than what these bastards can ever hope to give you.
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reader, freya70 +, writes (12 January 2009):
Mrs Right,
it wasn't my intention to hurt or offend you but to make you think and consider your options.
The reason why I'm here...is just the same as yours.I'm not saying these are words of wisdom but I talk from experience.
I'm sure no one wants to be used and deceived...and as tough as it is, you need to start dealing with the situation.Because you are being used and deceived...
And that's exactly what our MM do...for whatever reason. Waiting around for him, to do what you expect him to, just might never happen.
It is finally your decision when or how to end it...but remember-other people are not in this world to make you feel better about yourself...
This is your own responsibility, right and goal for the future.
All the best for you
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reader, Mrs.Right +, writes (12 January 2009):
Hi I assure you the ya gotta laugh was in jest...
Please can you be a little gentler with me....his waste basket really made me feel hurt..You know..this all sucks big time..I hear what you are saying, and it is awesome advice...I know I should do all you are saying and walk away....I deserve more, other men...etc...
I know if I end it..I would feel awful and stuff for about a week or so..maybe more who knows and that it is best...I guess I am too chicken to do it..must gather courage up...have used him as a crutch to help me thru my separation etc....he has helped me so much by being there for me and I have mixed up friendship with love etc.
Am trying to use AA coping skills..one day at a time...accept things can not change etc.. as it is pure addiction. I will get my nerve up soon...but i jyst love him and want him and he is so nice to me and i feel so good when i am with him...it is really tragic..and yet he could leave if he really really wanted to..so it all sucks and you are right...ah one day..one day i will value myself..well wait i do value myself..i am finally aware this is wrong and it is bothering me at least that is a start...i guess it will just come to a head...dunno hate that this started in the first place...but in a way glad..it did give me the courage to leave my husband...made it easier...and you know I can't help being in love with him you know....please be nice to me ahhaha..i like what u r saying but sometimes u use harsh words and it hurts..I already hurt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2009): I am in the exact same position as you except my "soulmate/ friend/ lover" is 25 years my senior and has two kids (well I say kids, one of them is 23, a year older than me). We met at work, started emailing (about work at first!) then texting.. then I offered to pick him up from the casino one night and it all just sort of rolled on from there. I have fell completely in love with him and he said he loved me too and how he wanted to be with me. He told me that we would get married and he was looking into divorce, actually collected figures and everything, he really made me believe that this was for real. Then in august 08 he went on holiday with the wife that he supposedly hated and couldnt even be in the same room as. I was furious, hurt, upset.. I didnt eat the whole week he was gone. Thinking about them together on holiday, walking along the beach hand in hand, rubbing suntan lotion on each other, having sex.. Every thought made me go a little more insane. Things havent been the same since then (although we've still been talking and met a few times). I feel like he is trying to "phase me out" of his life though. Like he doesnt want to say to me "its over" but wants me to take hints an leave him alone. I am finding it difficult as he is on my mind 24/7 but I have coped by a number of things including:
1. Joining a dance class, Im getting all trim so that my confidence might just grow back a bit and also the class keeps me busy and therefore (temporarily) keeps my mind off him.
2. Everytime I reach for the phone to text him or call him, I try to think to myself "I AM WORTH MORE!" because Im 22 and quite good looking, I also have an ex boyfreind who is great and who loves me so much who I KNOW would marry me tomorrow, so why am I so bothered by this ageing married father of two!?!?!? Although sometimes I find myself texting him anyway regardless of this.
3. I generally feel like my head is going to explode from all the insane thinking Ive been doing about him... so sometimes just having a "me me me" day is nice - a massage, manicure, even a home facial and putting some st tropez on or getting a nice new haircut cheers me up.
Its little things at first but you will get over your guy, as will I hopefully...
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reader, freya70 +, writes (10 January 2009):
no, Mrs Right none of this sounds like s good idea...at all.Is it possible for you to switch from lovers, to friends and back to lovers again?I can see from your posts that you are just not ready for this kind of arrangement.I suggest you spend some time alone and consider all your options.Value yourself and remember that there are plenty of other men out there that want to have sex with you.And there are men that can and will love you, too.So there's no need for you to be his waste basket,really...Cherish your soul and your body and stop wasting it on someone that doesn't deserve it.Personally, I don't find anything to laugh about in your story.It just makes me feel sad for you.I hope you can come out of this and be happy again!
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reader, Mrs.Right +, writes (10 January 2009):
thnks freya70....... have thought alot .... i have decided (for just now) to remain FF's and try not to say and feel all the love stuff.......i will focus on my own life, i am finally free to get to know me and love myself... so i am going to do that..thing is i still wanna have sex with him etc. and he is beautiful to me...but maybe if i cut out the love stuff, realize he will never leave then i will not be so emotional and since i have accepted i can't have him..why not have some good sex for awhile until in my gut i can stand up and say enough i want all of you-leave and get healed and then come to me ...i am aware it is not good for me to pine for him more then see him, am aware it hurts me..but not ready quite yet to tell him i am not doing this anymore.....when i do tell him then maybe that might shake his world and he might do something if he doesn't then oh well i would of moved on....but i do value his friendship so hopefully that would remain until that can't either... i think in my gut i will know when i need to end things..right now i do feel i need to stop all the ilu's but not ready to give up sex...but soon i will not want only that and will say when i feel ready i guess..i dunno does any of this sound like a good plan or not do you think??..hahah ah ya gotta laugh
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2009): Mrs Right, please stay close to your therapist, you need a lot of support that this man cannot give. You have traded one addiction for another. This is a human being, he dosen't belong to you, you can force him to want to be with you.
"WHy won't he leave his wife" He wont leave his wife because he loves her, he wants to be with her. I dosen't say he loves you, because he can't, he loves her not you. Probably the sex isn't very good, so that's why he comes to you. He's told you the truth, he never gives you love words, he tells you to concentrate on yourself, this guy seems to be one of the honest ones, but for some reason you choose to believe he has feelings which are not there.
"All I want is to be with him..I want her to just go away and go back home to Florida and leave us alone......." If she leaves him, he will move heaven and earth to get her back. Sorry, but there is no "us" in your case. It's him and his wife, and you who keep chasing, bothering and sorry to say making an embarrassment of yourself. Please continue to see your therapist, you need someone to help your realise that this isn't love, it isn't reality, for you this is an obsession which prevents you from getting on with your life. You've traded one addiction for another.
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reader, freya70 +, writes (9 January 2009):
Get a grip, Mrs Right!!!!I know it's hard but don't expect anything more than you have now.We've all been there, done that but it really doesn't make any difference what you do or say.It's eventually his decision whether to leave his wife or not and not yours!And please, don't trade one addiction with another.Live your life,take your time to find yourself again and I promise you things will get better...married man or not.I think I just might come out of the dark hole I was in... slightly.Yes, I love him...no,I can't have him...just yet or never, perhaps but I refuse to live another day anticipating something that might never happen.I suggest you do the same...I wish all the best for you.
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reader, Mrs.Right +, writes (8 January 2009):
Friends...I am so sad right now I am crying my eyes out..what am I going to do??..I love my MM so much..I wrote before on this and I was married too...but 14 weeks ago I separated from my husband...for many reasons...but I can't lie I was thinking of my MM and how I would be free to see him more...even though he wouldn't be..I don't know I just thought maybe, just MAYBE he would leave his wife.....but as he always has said he can't do anything..she does not want to be with him but he won't leave her...he is waiting until she does it....All I want to do is be with him..I can't even do anything else but think about him somedays..like today. I am hopelessly obsessed. I am going to see a therapist about it...I was an alcoholic and last year he inspired me to go to AA when he sat and told me how awful it is for him to live with his alcoholic wife..I said omg you sound like my husband talking to someone else..so I went to AA and my life is completly 100% better..one year later...he was the one who supprted me...and it is as if he is like this crutch that happened at the same time as my new non drinking life...I met him about 2 weeks before going to AA. He has said he loves me and I do it all the time. About 9 months ago we almost got caught by his wife...becasue of the phone bills being non existant when she was away in FLorida.....cuz we were together...ever since he has really held bac...Now he won't say I love you, he is a fantastic lover and so very nice to me..but I sit there all day obsessing and emailing and texting him..he doesn't reply much and has told me I have to focus on my life now cuz of separation...but I miss him more then my husband to be honest.
So that was nice of him to tell me to get y life together..he said he is stil my FF and I am seeing him tomorrow..but I guess what is happenening is in ym head I am realizing my sick obsession and that I need to not do this anymore..but I will be a basket case!!!!...All I want is to be with him..I want her to just go away and go back home to Florida and leave us alone!!!!!
But then again see most of the time I sit here being all u[pset that I can not be with him. He still has sex with his wife every once in awhile so that was ok at first but now bugs me...cuz now I am thinking hey you you are just getting it from both places and that is not right..I dont know at first he said they hardly ever do it and she is not interested...but I said too bad I wasn't your first for 2009 and I thought he would say yes you are..but he didn't so I guess they did it.....and now I am a mess..just a mess....
WHat can I do to get out of this.
How can I break this off and not go beserk????
I was in the hospital recently in the mental health ward as I had a flip out over something with my husband..unfinished business of feelings for him and saw a text that he was seeing someone already and I fliped out...realized it is becasue i still had feelings for him and it was ike betrayal..I am over that now and realize i am totally separated and no girl can hurt me now cuz i do not care...i say this only becasue i am worried i might freak ou tover my MM and not being with him anymore...I realize this whole things is kiling me and not good for me to be so upset al the time..it is like my alcohol addiction..it is obsessive love...i supose i need to do what i did with stoping cravings for alcohol with him too???...
Every time I see him it is like a FIX...and then I am down all week until I see him again..PLease please please ladies please help me..please don't be harsh I am very emotional right now..but I need serious help....WHy won't he leave his wife if he doesn't even love her??..but then again why is he having sex with her then...or maybe he is not..he didn't answer soi he might not of..who knows...oh well see i get all in a tizzy..please help me!!!
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reader, danski +, writes (5 January 2009):
I hear what everyone is saying, I feel it all, and I appreciate how the feelings I am feeling are not unique to me but I still do NOT want to break up. My head says to but I feel like part of me would die if I did, even though its slowly killing me now. It has been 10 years and some days/weeks are perfect and some days/weeks are lousy.
My biggest problem now is that I feel like I am the one protecting the anonymity more than he is; it's almost as if he is teasing me with the idea that we could go public when I know he really does not want to! It's the chicken way out but I wish he would just break up with me!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2009): Ring the Bell.. wake up, it's 2009, it's a new year.
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reader, freya70 +, writes (31 December 2008):
i can't wait for the bloody holiday season to end.this is unbearable.it's just so painful
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): Unfair!Unfair!
Diovan I was just about to hit the triple century.Congratulations anyways(Bugs dejected with the unused bat in hand)
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): 300 posts.. I done it.. I claim the prize..
Anyway I'll be back in the new year to see how many of you are willing to sign the pledge to be married man free next year. Then we got to find some ways and suggestions to make life more than bearable, but actually fun and exciting without him... See you later ladies.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): Lovely to see a couple of new ladies coming here with the determination to walk away and never look back, one of you I recognise and thanks for telling your story to give to others who need some moral support..
The clock is still ticking, 29th December today, Three days for some of you to make yourself a determined promise to make next year different, to make 2009 all about you and not about HIM...
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): I am glad I found this site. I am married and he is married. He is 33 years older than me. I guess the game and lies are all the same. It is scary to see how erily similiar they all are. I just broke it off and it feels good. I WILL not go back
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2008): He is 24, you are 20!
I love a married man too but am much older and have been ,married myself and have a child.
He he has no kids he would leave if he loved you. It's just that simple! Please please please do not think that at 20 you can know where you're life will lead. You are an adult but will chnage in so many ways yet. I know this sounds patronising but at your age I married my soul mate and am now divorced and am in love with someone unobtainable.
I don't want you to think I'm unknowing...just scared you'll give you heart to someone undeserving and then realise later you've missed you chance with smeone obtainable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): Ha,ha I nderstand the confusing pain that you are going through. I have been involved with a married man for 4years. I have also fallen in love with him and have traded in my single life to be that of the other woman and live with the dismay of friends and some family members. I chose not to date or see other people because of my relationship with him and his so-called jealousy. Not picture this, this man is 10yrs younger than me,i'm tall he's extremely short.We dont go anywhere with each other or entertain ourselves outside my home.. My answer to you is decide what you want in life.. You are young and don't deserve being ok with sloppy seconds.. We both know these men arent leaving their wives.. If they loved us and needed us as much as the claim they would be with us.{LIARS} Honestly they only want a safe haven away from home when the mrs. pisses them off or when they want a good freak session.. What they get from us I PROMISE they wouldn't dare ask from the wife.. Know in your heart that there is a single man who can fill that emptiness and hurt we have created and waiting to allow us to be number one. You must first make up in your mind that's what you want. Noone can tell you what to do because that married man will always make that advice seem dum and say outsiders dont understand.. Girl enjoy the minute but let it go you'll be ok... I mean WE"LL be ok I PROMISE.. Remember we have cried about our first love and got over it. THIS TOO SHALL PAST!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): What would you do if he comes araund again?Thank you all for the responses. I have been trying to capture every word and sinking them in my head, so I can be strong enough to get over this terrible phase. Today, I feet weak, but for some reason I have not cried since he left me/I left him. Do not ask me why? I do not know. But, if you do, please let me know.He is now outside the country on vacation with his wife and son. I am affraid about what would I do, upon his return, if he attempt to contact me or show his face at my work place. Sometimes I think to take my vacation to avoid this type of confrontation by going outside the country, days after his return, and stay out of the sight for a few days and not allow him a chance to contact me.I regret so many things/not all things that I have done lately for him prior we broke up. I really regret emailed him after we broke up searching for support. Stop! Was I really looking for support or trying to tell him that "hey, I am here! let me see/have you one more time?" I believed not. I do not desire him, because I am angry and I want to punch his face, as I did on our last encounter. I hitted him so strongly in his face, as a boxer hit, that he dropped on the ground. I did it and even gave im a chance to hit me back, if he desires (he did not!). At that time I felt all my anger coming out, and I told him that he deserved it for cheating on me and make me feel like stupid AGAIN. Moreover, I told him that, the pain he is having will go away in hours, but the pain he caused on me nobody knows how long will take to go away. Believe it or not, we still spent the rest of the weekend together, but on the last night, we just stayed together, no sex, and next morning I got up and left - no word. He kept calling me afterwards, until I decide to apologize to him for hitting on his face, which I regret. From that point on, no more sex, encounters, nor mail exchange. He wrote a few emails to me, but I did not responded none of them. He came over my work by surprise and took me to dinner, I went, and I listened all his smooth talks, giving him his pleasure to be in control. Next day, I was the first to change my cell number, due to horrible things he was texting me. To me, there was the end of "us", now is just "me". I know I am/will suffer, but why am I not crying? I do not want to see him, but I am in the eager to show him that I am alive, carrying on with my life, and be please to ignore him if he comes around. I still wanted to show him that he is a crap, a scam, a monster. I have the desire to make him suffer, as well as I am suffering. How can I get this revenge away?There is one more thing, he keeps in his secret email compromising photos of me, and I am affraid that he can use them somehow and there's nothing I can do.
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reader, a4904e +, writes (22 December 2008):
I have never been in love or trusted anyone before in my life. Me and my (old) boss started off as co-workers, went to friends then the very best of friends. The kind you want to tell everything to as soon as it happens. He is 16 years my senior. I had always ignored my feelings for him because he was married. When I put in my notice (after getting a better job opportunity) he admitted to me that he is in love with me. He thinks about me all the time, not even his wife knows him like I do, etc etc. I know he cares about me. I feel like no one knows me like he does and for the first time in my life, i feel like someone knows me and is in my heart. I told him nothing could ever happen because its wrong. At first he wanted us to see what happens if we were to have an affair but I refused. He left his wife and hoped to be with me but I was sure he would go back and surely enough after a week, he got lonely and went home. He did this twice. He says i never wanted to be with him but he is all i think about. I just always knew he would never leave her. she is depressed, has issues, he wouldnt be able to see his baby, etc etc. Now she thinks I am the reason their marriage fell apart (even though I was the one who said it would be wrong to have sex) they are in counseling, trying to work things out and all I can hear in my head is his voice telling me he loves me. I told him when he first admited it to not bring it up anymore because those were feelings I kept locked away for a reason. He wouldnt drop it and now he has decided to fix things with her and Im heartbroken, cant see him because she is up his ass, cant talk to him because she is checking his phone records, missing him. I cant even breath.I dont know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): how do i cope?
I don't.I let it get to me emotionally and physically.I'm in bed with high fever, no voice,no appetite,no strenghth.
Reduced to a sad pile of mess, guilt and self-pity.
He's at home with his wife...does he even care?
No, he doesn't.
He wants to be friends.
I can only hope I can get through this.It was wrong, it was stupid but now it's me paying the consequences..on my own.
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reader, Serenity1 +, writes (12 December 2008):
 WOW! This post is amazing. I had no clue that so many women were experiencing these same feelings as I. I thought I would add my two cents to the post.
First off, i'm married but seperated. And have been seperated for over 2yrs. I'm in the process of getting my divorce as I write this response.
Well ladies I've actually been on both sides of the fence and I can't really say one side is better than the other. As a wife and mother of our 4yr old son, I was cheated on and my husband has had children outside of our marriage with two different women. We did marry young he was 21 and me 23, but that still was no excuse. We met in church and decided that we needed to be right by God and not have kids out of wedlock. So we got married, which was a mistake, because I wasn't in love with him, but tried to make myself be in love with him for our sons sake (big mistake).
Needless to say the marriage was a disaster. I did gain knowledge and love for our Lord Jesus Christ (which I had no knowledge of prior to our marriage) and a beautiful son.
This is where it's starts getting good, I spoke with the "other woman" who was sleeping with my husband and told her that he was married with a 18month old son and I wanted my family to stay together. Long story short she didn't stop messing with him and he ended up leaving me for her and got pregnant by him. He son left her too.
He's in the military and son started to carry on a relationship with another girl who got pregnant with twins. He used her up and left her too. He's now with another girl.
As you probably can guess I am no longer in love with him but love him as a person and father of my son. MY POINT IS AS THE WIFE I WAS VERY VERY VERY HURT, FELT DECEIVED AND USED AND REJECTED. I was very depressed started back smoking cigarettes and partying.
After nearly a year I no longer had the desire to be his wife anymore. All along he was asking me for a divorce and I was praying that God have his way in my marriage because I wanted to live right. Well I've discovered and concluded that he is not the man for me and I pray for any other woman that settles with him because their in for a world of heartache.
NOW....On the other hand...I am the "other woman" in a on going relationship that I've been having now for nearly 6months. My guy isN'T married and has one child but not by the woman his with. He is also my senior by 11yrs and tells me he loves me and I'm his soul mate, etc.
Problem is: he's known this girl for over 15yrs and has been with her off and on for 10...he's daughter is 9 so I'm figuring he was cheating and made her. My thing is he tells me he's not going to marry this girl but at the same time he hasn't left her.
I ask him am I going to be able to have you to myself and he says yes. Because if you look at the situation they have nothing but love holding them together which is probably all that is needed obviously. The house is in her name, he says none of the utilities is in his name, they have no kids together, and again they are NOT married.
So I don't know what to think...he has told me where they live, I have been to his mothers house (while she was gone), to his hang outs, etc. He has told me her name and where she works just in conversation and I've kept it to memory. The last time I cursed him out I told him I had his gf's cell and house # (hoping that this would cause him to leave me alone).
IT DIDN"T...he called me the next morning and have been talking and sexing me every since. I don't want her to feel what I felt so I refuse to call her, because I could if I really wanted to. I don't understand why he won't just leave me alone (this will make it easier for me to forget him).
He's also told me he wants a baby by me. CRAZY isn't it. He calls me while he's at home and his gf is there (so disrespectful) so I know he'll do the same to me. He say he won't but he obviously not the most truthfulest person.
But he has also said without me bringing anything up that he knows he has to make a decision soon. So I imagine he knows how this makes me feel.
I was so desperate to end it that I put a guy up to answering a call from him and telling him to stop calling me he called me the next morning on my work phone.
So you see he's making it impossible for me...because I'm obviously not strong enough to ignore his calls and ignore him period. I tried to ignore his calls and that was only because I made a vow with God that I would fast any contact with him for three days. Don't you know on the 3rd day at midnight I was calling him immediately. He's definitely a addiction to me.
See this is the twist with my situation I'm not limited to special times and dates with this guy I can call at any time of day and he will answer the phone even when at home with gf. So..........I don't know.........it's kind of weird. He's also told me that we both have ties to other people and that as much as he doesn't like it if I see someone I'm interested in go for it (this is when I put the guy up to answering my phone). He's actions didn't match his suggstion/advice. I guess it was only natural to be jealous.
OVERALL LADIES...I FEEL YOUR PAIN...DISAPPOINTMENT...ANGER...JEALOUSY...FEELING USED, MANIPULATED, DECIEVED, ETC. EVEN THOUGH MY GUY IS NOT MARRIED AND HAS NO KIDS WITH HIS GF HE STILL HAS NOT LEFT HER. BUT ALL HE CAN TELL ME IS "DON'T THROW HIM AWAY," "DON'T GIVE UP ON HIM," AND "BE PATIENT."
MY ADVICE LADIES IS LISTEN TO YOUR HEART...DONT JUDGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP BY PREVIOUS LET DOWNS OR OTHER WOMENS "MARRIED MEN OUTCOMES." THE HEART NEVER LIES IF YOU HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE THAT THE MAN WILL NEVER LEAVE THEN YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO...AND I DO BELIEVE THAT IF THEY HAVEN'T LEFT AFTER A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME (6MON-1YR)THEY'RE NOT GOING TO LEAVE. IT'LL BE 6MON FOR ME NEXT MONTH. IM NOT GOING TO WASTE MUCH MORE TIME BECAUSE I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO FORGIVE MYSELF FOR KNOWING WHAT I'VE DISCOVERED IN THIS POST AND STILL CONTINUE WITH THIS GUY.
FOLLOW YOUR GUT INSTINCT...IF YOU THREATEN TO TELL HIS GF/WIFE AND HE DISAPPEARS...HE'S NOT ABOUT YOU...IF HE STAYS AROUND??????????????????I DON'T KNOW BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT HAS HAPPENED WITH ME AND HE STILL HASN'T LEFT HER.
ULTIMATELY I THINK I'M GOING TO HAVE TO BACK ALL THE WAY OFF AND STOP LETTING HIM GET HIS CAKE AND EAT IT...AND IF HE COMES BACK IT'S MEANT IF NOT IT WASN'T...BUT IM ABSOLUTELY NOT GOING TO PUT MY LIFE ON HOLD FOR HIM...I REFUSE...IM NOT GOING TO TAKE THE BREAK UP APPROACH BECAUSE I'VE TRIED THAT 3 TIMES AND SEEMS TO ENTICE HIM...BUT I WILL STOP BEING SO AVAILABLE AND SEE HIM WHEN I WANT TO...AND I PLAN TO MAKE IT PLATONIC AFTER THE FIRST OF THE YEAR...
BEST HOPES LADIES...GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FUTURE...THE LORD SAYS IN JEREMIAH 29:11-13 THAT HE KNOWS THE PLANS THAT HE HAS FOR US AND THEY ARE NOT OF EVIL, BUT OF HOPE AND A FUTURE...SO YOU SEE LADIES EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT...JUST CAST YOUR CARES ON THE LORD AND HE'LL HEAL YOU...
WITH LOTS OF LOVE
*T*
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): wow. the stories here tell my story word to word. 2 coworkers becoming very good friends than falling in love. this is my first time ever in love. he promises everything, complains about his wife, marriage, brings up history of depression. plans to leave her at some point (nothing definite). promises to be true to me but spends most nights at home because he is tired, depressed and wants to see his 6 month old. i always tell him he has to leave because he wants a better life and cannot think of me as the factor involved in the decision. but because i trust him fully i believe what he says. after all he is one of the most intelligent men i've ever known. turns out he is definitely the best liar and most heartless one. i come to find out today he has been lying to me the whole time and sleeping with her because he "has to keep her off of his back". everything shattered. my heart is so broken, i lose my best friend , soulmate and love of my life in one day. i know i have to recover i just don't know how. i even protect him for his wife, because how could you ever hurt someone if you loved them? and there is the answer, you can't and he didn't love me but he used me so well to sustain and even better his bad marriage and make himself feel better about such a pathethic life. but i'm here alone with my shattered heart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): Thank you DiovanLestat, you've been such a great friend for many of us in this shitty situation.We can all agree on one thing-you're absolutely right.
The men we have so much love,affection and admiration for are just plain cowards, cheaters any liars.
He sleeps with me, hidden away, so no one can see us...a dark secret, a part-time illusion,a distant fantasy, a nobody...
He knew what I was going through...he thought he could control it and just stay with me for the sex...and he thought the same for me...but he can't...and neither can I...
The plain truth is that he's probably going to dump me, even though I'm everything she's not, and stay with her to keep up appearances...
There's only one thing I now....I'm not something to hide, I'm not a disease, I'm not anyone's mistake, I'm not something to be ashamed of.
I'm a strong, independent and intelligent young woman and I don't deserve this..And it's time to stop.Really...
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): PS: There are so many women in your situation, so don't forget about them, update your situation and support one another, and if you manage to get away and find happiness with somebody else or by yourself, please come back and tell everyone else how it's done.. Blessings ladies, you deserve happiness cause you all show so much love.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): Hi Ladies,
Sorry that so many of you are suffering under the spell of a worthless man whose not treating you right. I pop in every now and again, to provide support, to remind you that your not wicked, your not dirty, you fell in love with the wrong man. He doesn't love you enough to be with you full time, and in many cases he's lying to you and his wife over and over again.
Leaving dose seem impossible to many of you, but it's not. It's about determination and choice. You have to choose to love YOU more than you love this lying, worthless piece of crap. Ignore his tears, his pleading and his sweet words, Talk is cheap, it's actions that matter most. Is he with you or is he with her. Do you still sleep alone, where is he for Christmas, can you walk outside in the sunshine with him, or dose he hide you in the cupboard like a dirty secret? Don't believe his lies, IF HE LOVED YOU, HE WOULDN'T BE MARRIED, CAUSE HE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU.... He's a liar, he lies to you and he lies to her, he's a professional, he's the expert, he knows just what to say to keep you hanging on a string.
Don't call him, don't see him, and don't let him talk to you and give you any more bullshit and lies. Yes it will hurt, and it will hurt badly. Many of you will be mothers, you've given birth, you can stand the pain, you've been through worse and you've survived.
Somebody mentioned the books by Paul McKenna which help you to get over a dysfunctional love affair, and they are pretty good (please google them, cause I ain't got the address) there's a website with more people in your situation at http://www.the-other-woman.com. Books and tapes by Anthony Robins also help, you can find some of his work at YouTube. They are very life affirming, and will help to remind you that it's your life and you have to reclaim it and achieve your goals to find happiness...
Christmas is coming up soon, do you want another year of this loneliness and pain. Yes your in love, and no it won't work, very few married men leave their wives, and when they do they often go back or cheat on you with somebody else. Break free, cut contact, open the door and taste freedom without him. Claim back your happiness and start living life again. You deserve more than waiting around until he decides to call. There are so many wonderful things and ton's of happiness waiting for you out there, if only you could see it, and believe that it can happen to you.
Cut contact, have nothing to do with these cheating men. You deserve happiness but only you can grab it, life is short and your wasting time waiting on a stupid man to call.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): I came across this site trying to figure out what to do.It is quite clear to me that being involved with a married man isn't what one aims for in life...but it happened and there's no easy way out.Having been in a difficult period I became emotionally attached to a co-worker and we really were great friends...at first.Of course, after some time this story took a completely different turn, developing into an affair.But there's no lying here.He says he probably won't leave her and that he probably loves her.But he loves me too...no promises, no excuses. But isn't it funny that he can cope with the fact that he hurt me, but can't walk away from something that has not been a "marriage" for decades?I can't and I won't discuss intimate details here but she is the one to blame in this whole situation.She chose to end this marriage years ago...and stay just for the sake of it.I know, I have to choose.I will let go...when I can't cope anymore...but not now...not yet.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2008): Ladies, all of your writings have common denominators that I recognise all too well. These men who have been messing you around are using you to sustain their unhappy marriages of which they have no intention of leaving. If they truly loved you they would do the right thing and leave their wives. I understand what you are all going through - having just gone through it myself. These are men who want to have their cake and eat it - and you are allowing them to do this! You are helping the MM's marriage to survive because you are fulfilling a missing component in the MM's marriage, which could be sex, communication or maybe a combination of things. These men are just 'users' and you deserve better. Don't help MM to keep his marriage surviving by being a surrogate wife who gets nothing but heartache.Remember, if he will cheat on his wife then he will cheat on you. Once a cheater - always a cheater. It hurts to let them go but you will overcome it - and its not worth losing your sanity for. My ex MM came back into my life after 10 months of getting over him purely to upset me again - he made out that he had missed me and then started playing the mind games and he succeeded in upsetting me, yet again. Turns out he just wanted sex! Can you believe what a shallow piece of Sh** he really is?I've now regained my inner strength - which didn't take long to do and next time he tries to contact me I'll tell him where to get off. Who needs heartbreak and upset when there's a better life waiting for you! Ditch the sad MM's and go find happiness - its out there waiting for you. Try reading Paul McKenna - the self help techniques regarding relationship break up really do help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2008): I am just amazed on how many women are going through the same experience and sadly, it makes me feel much better and at the same time more stupid. It seems that all MM tell about the same lies (they might believe in them a little bit too), how could I so sincerely believe him? I have been involved with a MM for a year and a half now. We work together and he is a pretty amazing professional, more like a star. He took me under his wing and from day one professed his love for me. I was 28 and he 42 at the time, and he seemed to be the most caring loving man I had ever met. I am married and he is also married with two children. At first none of us thought of leaving our spouses, but then it became unbearable for me to stand the thought that he belongs in someone else's bed and that our relationship is "wrong". I decided to break it off. We lasted for about a month and he declared that he is leaving his wife to build a future with me. I was extatic and terrified at the same time. I love him so much it borders addiction. And I know he feels the same. Guess what? He keeps dragging the time out, in two months, in three months and that was 6 months ago. I just found out that him and his family are going on vacation together. Lovely... He finally broke down and admitted he couldn't risk everything to be with me. And although honesty is what I wanted most, now I am in agony. And although I feel I'm losing sanity, I will never ask him to be with me, I will pretend that I think it's the best decision... But I will always wonder: "what if he has been brave?", "what will we never know?". You know ladies, these questions are pointless, really. The answer is simple: "nothing! He just doesn't want to!" Why is that the less men love women the more we love them? We truly deserve better. We need to take away important lessons and move on. You need to leave the stage while the applause is still on. I made a mistake and returned to the relationship. Give him back to his wife, allow him to go back. If you are in a similar situation, don't turn around, leave immediately. Yes, it hurts. And it will. But then it will heal and you'll be happy again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): Hello I don't think you gave your name so I'm just going to give you a little insight on your questioN. I am 22 years of age and I have experienced alot of let down relationships. You stated in your question that because of his religion he is staying with his wife. In his religion does it state that thou shall not commit adultery. Also the position that you have chosen to take you are breaking a convenant that two people have with God. Honey I am a firm believer in what goes around comes around. Once you settle down and get a husband you will remember all the things that this married man did to get away from his wife. Then the insecurities will set in with you and your husband. I believe that you need to pray about what's going on and get out of the situation as fast as you can. Please take it from someone who knows.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2008): Wow I’m so glad I came across this page… A few months ago I went on a dating site and met a man.. he claimed to be single and was kinda weird about having a casual relationship.. I just thought he was some sort of commitment phobic… He was overseas for work so the first month we communicated by phone and IM… After about a week he felt bad and admitted he was married with a child, however they were separated but there was a chance they could get back together… He said he originally was looking for fun and never intended to met someone and fall for them and vice versa… I was upset but by then it was too late I was already feelings attached, especially since he would ring and speak to me for hours and hours every day… We discussed the whole wife things many times.. I had episodes of trying to pull out of the whole thing because I knew if he was going back I would be heart broken, he would always talk me back from my little stands… After a month he came back and literally drove straight from the airport after a 22hr flight to meet me.. He was the nicest most compatible man I have ever met.. After a few days he said he has to return to his wife due to his child missing him… But that would be in a month or so… this month we have continued to see eachother… We have both had times of trying to put a stop to it all.. He has appeared genuinely upset and guilt ridden for what he’s putting me through.. But we were both so drawn to eachother and could never last long on trying to stop seeing eachother… Yesterday he left to go overseas to his wife.. he wants to remain friends… he intends to be faithful to his wife now and keep some minimal contact with me.. I feel so heartbroken and used… I am feeling a great loss… His feelings towards me appeared genuine but then I wonder.. I can’t contact him I don’t want to interfere in his marriage.. I already feel guilty enough for what I have done.. I feel jealousy, and rejected… I have never felt such heart break in all my life… I just wish I could forget him but I can’t even do that for one min.. I am missing him so much and I don’t know how to stop.. everything reminds me.. I just wish there was an easy way out of this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): I'm reading this and reading my story over and over again. Work mates, both married. Never felt like this before, unbelivable connection, soulmates. I leave my husband. He doesn't leave his wife.Still, one year on, nothing changes. We break up, we get back..on and on and on in a loop. Love is harder than heroin to give up.I wish I could see anything other than loneliness in the future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): you are talking as if breaking up with someone (ok, the loved one) is the end of the world and life. let's be serious. why do you let yourself drown in this? you can pay attention to the world remember how beautiful your life was before you met him, how many men are just waiting for your and for your free heart.the sun continues to shine.and if for him his wife (he claim he doesn't love)is better, even makes him suffer, then let him suffer together with her. this is what he wanted.and you, my dear, just take a deep breath and smile to the world.a big love is more a problem of self suggestion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): the bad thing about all your stories is the fact that you are wasting your lives, waiting for a "train" will never stop in your station.
there is just one thing you can do to see what he wants from you. tell the MM you don't want to see him while he is married. you want to meet him when he is free. that's the prove he can give you: if he leave his wife for you.
don't think on what society say. is not your fault that you love someone and want to be loved. I also don't believe in this "other woman concept". let's be serious: we belong to ourselves and we chose to share our lives with someone else. no one can say that owns us (and this other woman's man is talking about owning)
what i'm saying is to not let yourself trapped into such a situation and more losing control over yourselves. you have to stay strong and to make him chose. don't waste your life for anybody!
what i
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): Hi Ladies,
Just a quick note to say I read the detirmination of the anonymously ladies written on 28th, 22nd and 16th October 2008. Great news ladies, you all seem like you are ready to move you. You know you all deserve better, and you know that there is a better future and happiness waiting for you. Good luck, it's hard, but within a year, you will heal, and you will thrive. Keep in contact with friends and family, get a new hobby, start dating again, go to the gym, party like there is no tomorrow. Keep yourselves busy and start going out, meeting new people and try to enjoy yourself. Delete his number, refuse to talk to him at work, or even get a new job if you dare. This year will be all about you moving on, and finding happiness, strength and confidence, it should be all about you. Good luck, blessings....
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): Does anyone think it is really possible for a man who is married and having sex with his wife, to truly love another woman?
My MM says "I love you" all the time, but...I don't think he does because he says his relationship with his wife is "okay." I have no idea why he wants to "stay connected" as he says, to me.
It's heartbreaking and infuriating. I want to believe that he loves me, but I keep thinking about how he is sexually involved with someone else..and I can't believe that what he says is true.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): Hello -
I am in the same boat - but mine has 3 kids and a wife he claims he does not love. The arguements over stupid things have brought me to a halt. I know it hurts to let them go but we have to. They are - and I say this w/tears streaming down my face - they are taken and not really available to us - even though we so desperately want that. I have decided to let mine go because I choose me - me over him. We truly deserve better - right? I mean how many men have you passed by for him? I know I have passed a bunch - thinking he would leave if only she got ajob, etc.... When is enough enough? I work w/my lover alos and it is hard to see him day in and day out but we do this together maybe just maybe we have a chance. I am willing if you are - we are worth it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): I sympathise strongly with your situation as I myself was the "other woman" and I know how painfully difficult it can be to cope with, I completely understand what you mean when you say that you are finding it hard to function, there were many times when I didn't see the point in continuing on when I couldn't be with the one I loved. The only advise I can give you is to seperate yourself as much as possible from this man, I know you love him and it is really hard, but the ONLY way to get over him is to move on with your own life, a life that involves minimal/no contact with him. If you don't you will be caught in an endless cycle that will live you trapped and unable to find love with a man who can give himself to you completely. The first few months wil be the most difficult, but after that you will start to notice other men, and hopefully be happier within yourself.I hope this has been helpful, good luck in finding your TRUE prince charming!!!xox
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008):
I have been in a similar situation for a long 9 years. We both met when we weren't with other partners. He was a cop in my neighborhood, and I was going through a bitter divorce from a cop. I was sort of dating, but not anyone seriously. He was younger than me, and was sort of seeing someone as well. Well, I had chosen not to get involved with a cop while divorcing one at the same time, so I ended any kind of communications with him. I was fine, and began seeing someone on a more permanent basis whom I met online and who moved from California to Illinois to be with me. It was great. Then the cop contacted me via instant message to tell me he had just gotten married and just returned from his honeymoon. I congratulated him on his marriage. His next response was, "I still want to see you." I couldn't believe it, and laughed it off like he was joking. He wasn't joking. He continued to call, was interested in my life, didn't like me dating who I was dating, and continued to pursue me, of course until he broke me down enough and I gave in. I thought there was something there. Yeah, there was something there for him. I was his trophy because he decided to settle for someone that he would be safe with, someone that was overweight, and unattractive. I should have seen the signs from the very beginning, but I am a sucker! I believe everyone. I loved everything he was telling me, how much he loved me, how attracted he was, and how I was everything to him. He made me believe it all just so he could suck the life out of me. His choice is stay with her and get what ever he can on the side, and I allowed him to do it. He would get jealous when I wasn't with him, and accuse me of things that I wasn't doing. It was all part of his game to dominate me. He just gave me excitement and a challenge. Then I made the decision to walk away, because I asked myself one question. "What if he did leave his wife for me"? Is he the person I really want to be with? NO. It isn't easy to just move on from something I felt comfort in. It is so hard, and it hurts. The hurt is so deep sometimes, but I know this is the best thing for me. I also decided regardless of what his wife looks or acts like, she doesn't deserve to be treated this way either.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): I have been in love with a MM for 14 years. I left my first husband because I loved this man so very much. At first he couldn't leave because his kids needed him, he was the 'provider' and it was his 'duty' to provide. I have 4 kids of my own, his are now all grown up with kids of their own....now he can't leave because he has done the 'kid' thing, so we are waiting until my kids are grown up and having lives of their own....perhaps he'll come to my funeral, because I'm not getting any younger.He arly 50s now, me late 40s and I love him more than words can say, and I agonise every day of why I am in this situation. Reading everyones comments has made me feel more normal than you realise....its nice to know that people do understand, even if after 14yrs I can't tell my friends as we live in the same town and I know his wife. There will be many who think badly of me, but his wife only looks upon him as a provider, there is no love or affection - but I still envy her the 'connection' she has with him.
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reader, aliki  +, writes (15 October 2008):
I came across this page yesterday and I have to say that I was surprised to see that there are so many women in the same situation with me. To be honest, while reading all that, I felt that we are pathetic! I think that we all deserve something better and that you should try to fight your feelings and get in life what we deserve! My father always tells me that "love" is a type of psychological disease. I used to laugh at him when he was saying that, but now I see that he is so right!I, myself, am in love 1,5 years now with a MM. I am 25, he is 40. The unusual thing is that because of the nature of our job, we spent last year more or less 6 months together in different countries without having to share him with his family. I almost forgot that he was married. He would almost never reply to his wife’s calls, when he was with me and did not talk about her. However, every time we would come back to our country, I had to face the reality. He promised that he would get divorced this summer, but of course you know what happened. He still keeps saying that he will get divorced at some point, just does not specify which year this will be…! The usual excuses! What I wonder though now is, if I really want to be with a man like that?! He tells me that his wife will divorce him at some point and maybe it is true. He spends a lot of time with me, too many phone calls, sms etc. They also have 2 kids, the youngest one is 1,5 years old... It drove me crazy when I found out! He started seeing me when his wife just had his baby! Firstly I didn’t know, but even when he told me, I was already so in love with him that I didn’t leave him. I cried a lot, but I stayed and thats what I regret!All these MM (married men) have been living double lives for x years. Time period full of lies and acting! Can you really trust a man who can do that? Have you wondered what he will do to you, if you become his next wife? Today he does it to her, why not tomorrow to you?! This is what I ask myself ever yday. I am still in love with him. He is the only man I said that I would like to have family with, but I decided that I will try to fight it! Such a man cannot be trusted, and I know that in the future, he would make me unhappy. It is crazy that even though I know it, I have not moved on yet. I feel like I am addicted to him and I hate myself for that! I want to get the power to say, “the end”!I am not sure if I will manage to do this soon, but one thing I am sure about: We all deserve something better! Not to be living in the “shadow” of their wives!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2008): be strong move on with your life...we are responsible for our own feelings you deserve better.
make it easy for him avoid him let him go... he will stick with his wife and you will be full of sorrrow only if you let it be that way he is not worth it i can assure you...
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2008): I would ask that the anonymous answer to this question (dated July 7, 2008).. come back and share with us her most recent testimony.. Being in the same situation, I felt that her answer/testimony was inspiring and uplifting..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2008): I am in a similar situation... I have been seeing a married man via the internet for over a year. He is a wonderful, romantic, passionate, amazing man. He loves his wife dearly and would never leave her side. I know this. We are a thousand miles apart. So, it is hard for us to get together but maybe every few months. Since we first met in person 9 months ago we have been together on 5 different occasions. We are planning another meet soon. He, honestly is all I have time for as far as a relationship goes. We talk at night on cam. Talk about each other's days, have a lot of laughs, say goodnight and go about our lives. I'm not in the relationship to hurt him or his wife. I have many times thought of ending the relationship because I am scared for him. He is my best friend. We share a friendship that both of us are coming to terms with that will not last forever. He considers me his girl. He wants to lay claims to me. Doesn't want me to date and so on. To tell the truth. I don't want any other man at this point in my life. He is all I want and need. He fills my heart every day. Just being there to talk to. I get scared that the guilt he has for going outside his marriage will one day over take him. And I will be left in the dust. Can anyone relate to this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): Do yourself a favour and dump this loser immediately. I was involved with a married man for three years. We took vacations together and saw each other every day. He told me he'd never felt as much love for anyone as he did for me. Just like practially every thing else that came out of his stupid mouth, that turned out to be a big fat lie. His wife found out and he dropped me like a stone, saying he had to try to salvage something for the sake of his kids. I was stunned. He'd told me they had lived separate lives with separate beds for years. A few months later I found that everything he'd told me was untrue. His marriage was fine (or so his wife thought). They still slept together, celebrated birthdays, anniversaries.
It was a struggle but I stayed well away from him and tried to rebuild my life. Now - eight months on, I'm with someone new. Taller, younger, sexier. And I've just heard that his wife has kicked him out. So any lady who thinks she can't live without a married man, think again. It's hard and it takes time but being alone has to be better than being with a lying, manipulative louse who only really cares about himself. And you won't be alone forever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): Ok. Here is some different advice. Leaving him might be the 'right' thing to do. And if you have been wasting your life waiting for him to leave, and you know he never will, then move on. However, if you're not ready to let go, and you think the two of you might really have a chance, try giving him books like 'too good to stay, too bad to leave' and 'When good people have affairs; inside the hearts and minds of people in two relationships'. He might not end up leaving, but it will make him evaluate his relationships, and if he was ever going to leave, these books will give him the courage to know it is the right thing to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): I'm glad you found our ladies who are in the same situation. Listen to their stories tske their advice, y
You've made the first stepz and for that I commend you. Stay away from this married man, because he can only bring you tears.. Look to the future, get support from your family and friends. You deserve better and once you leave him you'll realise how wonderfull life can be. Take care of you, good luck...
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): dear ladies,
Please break with your married man NOW.
OH YES, I've been there, had the same feelings as you all, no doubt. He was my mate, my collegue (at first) , my lover, my everything, my TRUE LOVE, never met a man I felt so comfortably with, o and his humor!!! Couldn't imaging living without him. What a twist of faith we couldn't be together right away. I was happy to give up my marriage for him. Supposed my children would like him and his son would like me. We could cope with that.
O, just one thing: he would'nt hurt his wife. So kind of him.
So I waited for him to sort things out. I waited four F**** lonely years. Then I broke all contact with him.
And guess what? It took my another four yeras to get over him and to rebuild my confidence (in myself and other people)
Now I'm glad I'm broke away, but i'll warn you ladies: if you can, never go there!! The pain, the agony, it is so bad and so humiliating. It'll take to much of your life.
Jolanda
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): I am crying my eyes out reading all of this!!! I was going thru a divorce 2 1/2 years ago when one of my clients' proceeded to tell me he was going thru the same thing (as far as the disconnection) and he could relate. We ended up buying and selling more together and one day he just kissed me and said "I think that I am falling in love with you." Well, me being the independent person I am and going thru a horrible divorce, I didn't take that carelessly. But, I ended up sleeping with him one day and then from there it escalated. I kept telling myself that "I am not a relationship person anyway." It was safe to mess around with him because he wasn't "available" and I wasn't about to jump in a relationship or dating for that matter. A month grew into a year and we decided to open a business together and we to this day are very successful. What happened was we were busted by his girlfriend/common law of 10 years and now it's just screwed up not only our thing but business on his side. I just realized that what I felt for him was love...or maybe it's because you want what you can't have. Anyhow, we broke the affair and have been dealing with consequences for 5 months now. IT IS NOT FREAKIN EASY! We've tried to carry on normal business proceedings. He's recently decided not to come to work for the past 2 months and his side of the business is failing. He says he's depressed and trying to get thru this but I AM FOOTING ALL OF THE BILLS!!!!!!Meanwhile, I'm working my ass off and my side is doing very well. I just poured myself into work. All he can do is belittle me when he's in a bad mood and says I'm not working hard enough BUT HE'S NOT WORKING! I'm always doing something wrong now! He constantly hurts my feelings! Last night I told him we needed to just split everything we owned together 50/50 and we go separate ways and he said "Fine!" NOTE!!!! The only reason the business exists anyway is because OF ME! The other woman!This morning he showed up to work for the 1st time in 2 months saying that he couldn't live without me and we were soul mates, he couldn't do this without me. He told my secretary that he wished we would just get along better and quit arguing with tears in his eyes! She has no idea what transpired between him and I.I love him so much and at least have been trying to save the business between him and I. He needed to give their (he and his girlfriend) relationship a chance since they've been together so long which at the time to me was a good idea to me so we could finally end it. (I didn't mention that he's 20 years older! I'm 32 and he is 52!Never in my life would I have ever thought I would date someone in that age range.) I am a very busy woman. I don't need all of the drama. I was just looking for the attention and hopefully learn that sex could be a very good experience for a change! Anyway, today he shut my door and kneeled down beside me and cried. He said he didn't know what was wrong with him and that he should very much respect me and my position, appreciate everything I do and he didn't want to separate business......Here's my thought. He's realizing that it's not all about him any longer and that I am shaking the system! I do love him with all of my heart but screw him! I'm better than that! You guys made me realize I need to cut ALL ties with him and get on with my life. So, tomorrow....he's gone!I know that I am wasting my heart on someone that isn't reciprocal. I need my whole heart to even begin a nice dating experience or all dates are a waste of time outside of the taboo relationship! I am thinking about each and every one of you! I hope that I'm an example for your next start or to not get involved!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): To the lady that wrote on the 23rd of June. I can't stop thinking about your story. I am so sorry for what you have been through. You will get through this, just give it time. Be selfish and make it all about you for once. Do something that makes you happy every day. Just don't go back to him. It is time to get the life you deserve!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): 28 years ago I met my MM. It was love at first sight. We have had the most incredible love affair ever. And I have the most broken heart. Right now I feel certain that I will die from it, but I know what wont kill me will only make me stronger.
Let me explain, yes we were "soul mates". Yes, the sex was indescribably exciting..took me to higher levels than I have ever known. Yes, we were best friends. Yes, we took trips together, spent weekends together. My heart always skipped a beat when he called. I loved him so much.
How many countless hours would I wait for him to call? How many holidays did I spend alone? How many times did I disappoint my son by making him wait till mommy got her phone call. He told me when his children graduated he would get a divorce. When that time neared, he said I have to wait until I retire because I will loose too much money. Well, that was a year and a half ago.
3 Days ago I told him I couldnt go on like this anymore.
I do believe that he loves me. I think he thought he would leave, but when the time came, he realized he could not hurt his children, his wife, her mother, etc. etc.
As many of you have already stated. We have to face it, these MM dont leave their wives.
I dont regret loving him, I have great wonderful memories of what we had. Right now I am only sad and know that I have to work through this and move on to a different life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): I wanted to help and give advice, but I couldn't 'cause there's so many of you in this situation, that I didn't know where to start.
Well it looks like your sisters-in-common, you've got yourselves a name - "Mistress Anonymous" and somebody further down suggested a battle song - "If loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right" by Cassandra Wilson
(I prefer Millie Jackson's version myself, cause she keeps "looking at the clock on the wall...tick...tick")
You've got a space here at Dear Cupid to talk and exchange experiences and support. Somebody else was helpfull enough to suggest a usefull website and I'll mention it for those of you who are slow readers and I'ven't yet caught up.
Try to http://www.the-other-woman.com, for similar stories and ideas on how to leave that UNFAITHFUL JERK and stay away. Don't forget to visit us all back here at Dear Cupid from time to time to keep us updated and tell us what's going on with you.
Take care and good luck..... Over and Out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): Dear Diovanlestat, you are so true that the burden would be lifted when we walk out of this relationship. Its easier said than done. When you have been in this relationship this long its hard to walk away. You build this bond and its kinda like being in a marriage but its one-sided. I think we are their savior when it comes to their sanity and stability amidst the unstable marriage, stress at work, responsibilities, ... We are their fantasy. A fantasy that they live for the moment when we are with them. Something which is said in bed undercovers and in privacy but once reality sets in its forgotten. And there goes all hopes and dreams are dash. Alas! Yes, true too playing "second fiddle" to a MM is heartbreaking, lonely, humiliating and I sense too in his behavior and tone that he disrespects me. But we the lover, mistress, gf or second banana (what its called) are true and loyal to our MM. Do we get credit for it? No. Do we get appreciated for being their savior? No. We are only there "on call" when needed or remembered as in duty. Other than that we are an "afterthought" i.e We are way down at the bottom of the list...forgotten but resurrected when required. Sigh.
I salute you women for having to put yourself thru this emotional abuse and keeping faith that he will one day leave his wife and walk into your loving, open arms. I asked myself is the wait, pain and loneliness worth it?? Till this day i can't answer this. I hope to wake and see the truth in this relationship and have the strength to tell him to kiss my ass and good riddance!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): Dash Ladies... this really is a meeting of "Mistress Anonymous" I can see most of you are embarrased and hide your names...Well that's understandable, cause most people are rude to you and just don't understand.....LOL
I'm sorry for each and everyone of you in this situation. Sometimes it works, sometimes a man that is unavailable is just what you need. But to those of you who are unhappy and feel unloved please get out and leave this relationship. If a married man wont leave, no matter what the excuse is, he dosen't love you or respect you very much. You all deserve so much more in life. Your a great bunch of women, you have strength and character and more loyalty than I've ever seen. More loyalty than sense sometimes. Leave your married men and find somebody available to give you the love you deserve. I promise you, once you dump his lying cheating ass, life will look wonderfull and the burden you carry will get lighter in an instant.
If you want to get out, then stop calling him, refuse to see him, don't take his calls and cut all contact. It will be hard, you will feel sad. But heartache happens to all of us. Be strong and in time the pain will go away. But being in love with a married man who refuses to leave his wife is a lifetime of pain, loneliness and humilation. Ladies, don't you deserve more? 'cause I think you do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): I want to share with you all of my relationship with a MM which is still ongoing as I write. We met 2 1/2 years ago but did not really go deep till about a year ago. I was pregnant with his baby about 2 years ago and had an abortion without his knowledge. Actually I tried desperately to contact him of the news but he did not answer any of my smses, emails and phone calls. I did not mention of my pregnancy but I did state in those messages that its urgent. Well, he did not return/respond to them. So this decision was left to me eventhough I would be more than happy to keep the baby but financially I can't afford.
After over a year...I told him in February of this year. He asked why did I not tell him before. I tried but he was in a mess with work and problems at home and I do not want to burden him with yet another which is already been taken care of. The reason it took me this long to address this to him was I felt it was the right timing and about time he knows what happened and that if he should want to leave me he can take that knowledge with him of what we have had and shared.
So he knows and then comes the part of him, wife and his kids. He made me cry at one of lunch dates when he told me he feared his wife knew about us and that he don't want to look like a monster to his kids (they are in their teens). I had told him that divorce has been since the bible times and that kids feel the tension in the family when mom and dad is having problems. Why put them thru it ... therefore we have the divorce and people divorce all the time. His answer is wife culture will not accept it and that its "losing face" if that happens. But no his wife did not find out about us it was something to do with his attitude that she was having problems. He jumped the gun.
Anyway, lately he has not been talking of his wife. So during one of our meets I asked how come he don't talk of his marriage anymore. His answer was that he keeps her happy by giving her what she wants and indulging her with LV bags, jeweleries ... Does that sound like a man who is going to leave his wife? My understanding is if a man wants to walk away from his wife he would not spend more than she is worth but just enough to keep peace at home definitely not expensive ruby necklace from a upscale jeweler.
When his wife takes a trip he calls her constantly and checking up on her. I was there when he called her and I asked why? He says she is suppose to have lunch with her friend and he wants to find out if she is telling the truth or seeing "someone" else. Meaning her ex-lover.
What have you all to say? I really need input on this. I'm thinking, deciding and waiting for the right timing to walk away from this and I want to do it civily.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): Hmmm. I've been reading these comments due to a question that was posed to me a few days ago about my situation so I decided to take my curiosity to the Web and stumbled across this blog which feels like a small MA meeting ‘Mistresses Anonymous’ (smile). First I want to confess that I am involved with a married man, yes it will be coming up on two years and I can say that if he hadn’t told me from the beginning that he was involved I would have never known it.It works as a ‘normal’ relationship. The calls, love, gifts all of that but I look at myself and wonder where my conscious is sometimes because I say in all fairness, I am a woman, do I want to be cheated on and hurt, or am I the pig. Well, yes in light I am (the pig) if I am looking to bash my decisions and find confidence in social opinion, but if you pose the question for yourselves it may be a little different. I knew from day one that my lover was hitched, and I didn’t bat an eye, because I said this is dinner, this is a one night thing, you’re here, I’m here and well you get the rest…the night of me playing kitten turned into a relationship. This comment may furrow the brow of a few readers, but I will give you an opinion that may be distasteful to some but it’s my truth so don’t be so upset at me. Take a look back at where you stood before Mr. Married walked into your life and heart. Were you wallowing in self pity, dealing with antics that caused depression, or were you just living life. I ask that you really pay attention to the question. I’m no psychologist (I see you nodded’ yes I know’ thank God), but I am human. So are you. You made a choice, regardless of what you see the decision as- bad or good it was a decision and it takes two. This is not a finger pointing moment but it is when it’s a relationship. If the relationship causes you great harm mentally, physically, emotionally, move on, but if it works for you ( and only you) stay until you feel that you need to move on, if that happens. It may or may not but if you’re beating yourself up then its guilt and you can either deal with it or remove it, removing it may be looking at the situation for what it is and taking a step to do something to improve it. To tell you the truth, if you’re going nuts over your decision and wondering if this choice will pivot to other bad decisions then you can only answer that. Trust me, I’ve made a few bad decisions before I ever met my lover, but they were lessons that I needed the time. Also any relationship no matter who the players are has its faults. I’ve never been married, but I’ve cheated in relationships. I’ve been cheated on. I’ve been in good wholesome ones too that ended with two people leaving as friends. All that, its life (you know this). No magazine, or blog, or opinionated ‘other’ woman can tell you what you want. You have to ask yourself is this something you want, do I want children with a family and a present father, will I wait on this? Is this hindering your career, your dreams, is this person motivating you at all, and I don’t mean with nice blingy gifts either (although their quite nice) but is he? Do you have rules that don’t get crossed? Of course, I get mad at him, and sad, and tired and happy and excited too -all those feelings. I know things aren’t great at home (he wouldn’t be over here if it weren’t) I care—to an extent, but I don’t empathize with all the struggles because that is his life not mine. I am content, because I have what makes me happy. I know I can find a great single man, I have before, but this is my choice for now and if I stay or go it is my own. He doesn’t hinder anything I do, and he is not in my way, nor is he a crutch, but he is someone I love and will always love, no matter if we stay together or not. So ladies who are in a mental bind, ask yourself if this feels right in your heart, no matter what the script says. I learned this from a woman much older than me, a woman who has it all, and lives a great life, but she was the other woman for a while and noted that it was her choice and she was happy, the relationship faded because that what they (relationships) sometimes do but she doesn’t have any regrets for what they had. If you’re looking for him to leave his marriage because it makes you uncomfortable then you take the step to leave because he may never walk away. But if you feel uncomfortable because of what the outside world says then you need to find out what makes you happy. We make ourselves happy first before others can, and if your lover is an honest addition to that happiness, then so be it, but it’s up to you to answer that.I hope this helps…Respectfully,The Other Woman
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2008): Do you realize it isn't any one's job on the entire planet to keep a person happy? It isn't the dark ages, women are not obligated to do this for men no matter what. It is each person's own responsibility to keep themselves happy, and they should never do this at anyone else's expense! That is happening with you. You are trying to keep him happy and you are suffering. That is not right. That is unfair and it can damage your spiritual health and physical health because of you being so miserable. Sure there may be some happy moments, but they ARE NOT WORTH THE COST to you. I have been there. IT will never stop until you let go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): I wrote the May 7 and May 8th posts. I can say, a month out that it does get better, much better. To the last post, I say get out of it. I loved and still do love the married man I was with. 99.9% of MM don't leave. My old boss found out her husband was having an affair. They didn't have any children and with now having to really take a harsh look at his marriage, he decided to leave. He moved from NYC to Florida to be with the other woman. They eventually married. Extremely rare. What I had to ask myself and what I pose to you is what is it that you are getting out of this and why are you allowing yourself to play second "fiddle?" For me, it was convenience, at least in the beginning. I am a single mother with a demanding job and the relationship was easy. We saw each other when we wanted to and there was no pressure. I told myself that I was having a good time and both of our needs were being met. He and I would have lengthy discussions about his marriage. I would probe him about why he stayed in a situation that he claims is so unfulfilling. Wouldn't he want something better for himself and for his wife? It didn't make sense to me. He admitted that they were uncompatible and I don't think even to this day, he has ever provided a "real" answer to that question. He said a lot of it is "comfort." I had to stop asking him the questions and ask myself, what difference does it make? He's not leaving. I had to figure out how to give myself what he was giving me in a healthy way. A relationship with a married man is not healthy. He was always good at analyzing my life and everyone else's but that same analysis was always absent from his own life. I think because he was afraid of what he might see. I can't fix him and you can't fix your married man either. The withdrawal is real. There were days I felt like I couldn't get out of bed but I did. I kept going. NOw a month later, I am better. I started seeing a therapist again but at least I am getting the help. He has moved on, he calls occasionally to see how am I doing and we shoot the breeze but as someone indicated we cannot be friends. The "elephant" is always in the room and no one talks about it. I had some of the best sex in my life with him. This was a man that made me comfortable with my body, my sexuality and my sensuality. We took vacations together, spoke on a daily basis, enjoyed couples massages. Hell yeah, I miss him. I'll probably always love him and I believe he loved me. He taught me a lot. When he calls, my heart still skips a beat and if he left his wife, I am sure my first instinct would be to run to him. But I am stronger than I thought. Each day gets easier. In the end, it's your decision and no one here can judge as we have all been there but from one other woman to another, love yourself more to want better for yourself. If he does leave his wife, you don't want it to be because of you. You want him to come to you as a whole person, strong in his decision and his committment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): Hello everyone I am so glad to have found you. I too am in love --desperatley in love with a married man. I have simliliar siutaions 0 stolen moments, sneaking aorund in cars...secret emails, secret texts..the whole bit and ofcourse I want MORE...but he says he can not slit up with his wife for 5 more years until his children are of a certain age. His marriage is uneventful and I read above about being an enabler for him and I guess that is what I am doing. Yes I do also feel second and jealous of his wife really. He is sooo handsome and he really turns me on. I know it is hurting me being with him as I want more and he can't give it. Do I just be cool and get what I can get for now and wait or do I end it??
I tried ending it but there is no way I can love without him. I only see him once a week and we talk everyday via email. I too am married but I m close to separating. I daydream so much of being with my married man..I know it could be awesome. I wish we could be together NOW.I wish he would break up with her so we can live our lives now together not 5 years from now.
Doing this is so addictive for me so breaking up is truly hard to do as if you are anything like me you crave him and will drop everything to see him.
Really by keeping busy and doing things yu like to do will help out with the withdrawl. To me breaking u with my guy would mean mourning his loss and also as if experiecing withdrawl symptoms.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): just forget him. sorry
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): My relationship with my married man has ended because his wife found out and he says he has to at least try and make it work for their child. He is getting counselling and has stopped contact with me. It is breaking my heart, but my head knows that I would not want to be responsible for breaking up their family, that I would not want him to resent me if he left for me and it didn’t work out, and that until he gets his own issues sorted I could never trust him. I also don’t know if you can build a lasting relationship straight out of an affair and through their divorce etc. What I want to know is does this ever work out in the end? I am still hoping he will realise his marriage is over on his own, will leave with no influence from me, and we will be together at the right time. Would they really rather be unhappy for the rest of their life with her and lose the one who made them happiest? Why? Is it really so wrong to have married the wrong person and get a second chance at love?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): To the lady that wrote on the 30th of May, I am the lady who wrote on the 23rd of May. Everything you said is true and I can see now that you are right about looking for closure. I might be in denial but it does help to believe deep down he still wants to be with me. It has only been three weeks, and if denial is what I need to get through until time takes the pain away I think that is ok. The other things that help are focus…focus on other things, make yourself busy with work etc and if he enters your mind force yourself to think of something else. Also, find someone to talk to. Our relationship was secret from even our closest friends. Friends will be sympathetic when you are sad, angry when you are angry, and bring you back to the reality of it all (would you ever really trust him, would you want to feel responsible for their family break-up etc). The best advice they have given me is if it’s meant to be it will be. There is nothing you can do about it, if he knows where you stand then it is all up to him, so you just have to let it be.
The other thing that helps is that I do believe his feelings were real, that he never lied to me, and that he isn’t in love with his wife. It might be denial again but his friends have confirmed this. He is just weak. To the lady who wrote on the 1st of June, I too now see he is a coward afraid to face the pathetic life he had with his wife. He is also totally deluded! He wants so badly to have the perfect marriage and family but it doesn’t exist! He is too weak to leave the marriage even though it has been over for a long time. He doesn’t love her, he will do it again, but he is holding on to an illusion that they present to the rest of the world. She is the same. She knows about it all but will not leave him or let him leave her. Even when he told her he doesn’t love her and can’t promise he won’t do it again. So they can live their lie and I will eventually be happy again.
To the lady who wrote on the 30th of May to the lady on the 7th of June, I too wished we could at least be friends, but you have convinced me it would just prolong the pain. Although I am still waiting for him, deep down hoping we will still be together one day, I would rather believe he is missing me and wondering what I’m doing then have get to have my friendship and me realising he is over me. It would destroy me to hear how happy he is, and about the things he is doing with his wife! If you are still friends with him you should cut him off. If he doesn’t want to be with you then he doesn’t deserve your friendship and has NO right to tell you who to date! Just get away from him and begin to heal. If he does want to be with you then it will take you moving on for him to realise it. They will never leave if they are getting their needs met by you in any way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2008): I just ended a 4.5 month affair with a MM. The last conversation we had was the one where i asked him why he thought it was appropriate to cheat on his wife. his reaction was frightening to say the least and (thankfully) has put me off ever letting something as stupid as an affair happen again. Our conversation lead me to challenging him on the fact that again in the future, another woman would be sitting in my place, doing the same thing, feeling the same hurt. Or worse, his wife and children would find out that time and things would be 10 times worse etc. This REALLY upset him as he hadn't been able to take the affair seriously. For him it was some sort of compartment in his life that was separate from his married one and therefore did no harm. He was so upset by my comments and straight-talking that he insisted we leave the restaurant. We shared a taxi briefly and he was silently fuming - all he could say was "so was there anything else you wanted to ask me?". I left the taxi feeling empowered and relieved. I could see him for what he really was - a coward afraid to face the pathetic life he had with his wife. He later texted me to apologize for his behavious and to say that it was an awful experience for him - i'd held up a mirror to him and he didn't like what he saw. he said he's deluded.
Deluded to say the least!!!!!
Ladies, don't wast another moment of valuable time. Get out while you can and if you feel you can't, challenge your MM on the burning questions like I did. I guarantee the answers will be enough to put you off EVER doing this again.
Of course, I feel sad, I feel a little lonely, hurt and deceived by him, but I would rather feel this than face more misery by deception!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): To the lady who wrote on May 7th about wishing they could have ended it so they would remain friends, if my experience is anything like what it would have been like for you - be glad that you aren't trying to be friends. It's awful, a new kind of pain because you both sit there pretending that you don't have feelings. Now you have the secrecy, the longing, the frustrated desire - the temptation - without the benefit of at least being told how much he cares or the physical expression. It feels like one big lie. He tells you that you are "such good friends" and sits oblivious to your pain, or worse, dances in and out of the emotion without ever really admitting anything that would make him feel guilty. You try to fool yourself that you aren't waiting for him, hoping that things will change and he realizes how much he loves you. Try sitting with him when he talks to other people about how happy he is with his family and starts telling stories about them. Watch him then get angry and lash out at you as you try to move on and start talking about men you date.I used to think that I loved him so much that I needed him in my life even if it was this. Now, a year or so later, I realize it's just more unhappiness that keeps me from truly healing and moving on. I'm sorry :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): To the lady who wrote on May 23rd - I can tell you that having him look you in the eye and tell you that he doesn't want to be with you anymore is not going to help you have closure. It only makes you feel more like garbage than you do now. If you stop talking to him, how you feel now is the worst you will ever feel. It gets better in time. If you keep pushing for "closure" it sets you back to how you feel now, or worse, because now you have the memory of him doing that.What you are suffering from is probably what I did, where you believe that love can conquer all and if he truly loved you, he couldn't walk away from you. Or you hope you can convince him to choose you. I think the saddest but best thing that happened to me through my situation is learning that love is NOT enough. He can love you, he could have been telling the truth. It doesn't matter. At the end of the day intent and action is all that matters. Men can and do walk away from their feelings and compartmentalize them as if they were never there to begin with.It's a bitter pill to swallow when you grow up wanting to believe in soul mates and fairy tales, but life is so much more complicated :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): I myself am in a situation like this. I start at the beggining. I met him when i was 18, just out of high school and a 3 year relationship. We hung out as friends, he was single at the time an soon we were in a serious relationship. We had a child together, got a place an were engaged. Three years later, after a very rocky relationship we split up. Not long after we were giving it another try, going to work on our problems. He met a girl, she was crazy about him, bought him things, paid for everything. When he was with her he didnt have to do anything because she didnt care. Well we never stopped, even when he waws dating her we were still together. He had always told me he loved me, an we had planned to move away from here an start over. Things had there ups an downs but she never left him.She knows that he was with me the entire time he was with her but she put all blame on me an continued her relationship with him. When he got engaged and she found out about us, I put a stop to it all. I even had started dating someone, but I wasnt ready for that with someone else. I dont know if I could ever love someone the way that i love him. It was 13 months since we had been together. Well last week he was away on business and he called. I know he is miserable with the girl, but he feels stuck now becasue she is pregnant. Today we slept together. And i know this is wrong, but I dont know how to walk away. We have a child together so there is no way that i can do the no contact thing. Im sure the wife knows what is happening again, he sent her an email the other day that was ment for me. So she is begginig to question him again about everything. He already has to check in with her on anythign he does, I just dont know what he is doing with her. I feel like im letting myself down because i continue to let him back in after all the hurt over the last 6 years but i dont know how to let him go. There is some reason why after all the thing that have gone on in the past (on both parts) that he will come back. I had even told her about us before, but he comes to me knowing that could easily happen again. If heloved her why would he risk it all jsut to me with me? I know he was under alot of pressure to marry her from his family and he is not one to stand up for him self but this isnt fair! i love him an an i know that he loves me, but he picked her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): Based upon my experience, affairs and "other" women are DISTRACTIONS AND ENABLERS of the MM. We ENABLE THEM, by helping them feel content and comfortable in their allegedly unhappy, lifeless and boring marriage. We make it easier for them to stay in their current situation, instead of confronting their problematic issues. We help them runaway, make excuses and justify the involvement, because we love them and believe in them. Mistakenly, we put them first instead of ourselved, while we really are only mere conveniences. In the end, we're always second....always an afterthought, compared to everything else in their lives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): I was involved with someone for nearly three years. In the beginning, he was wonderful....a dream. As time went on, he became distant and inconsistent. He always attributed his behavior to work, his "busy" schedule and jugging to balance his life, as a single, divorced dad. More and more our time and communication became limited. Our time together involved stolen moments, basically. Whenever, I tried to talk about the changes in our relationship and his behavior, he continued to blame everything on work. I wanted to believe him, but my gut knew this was not the truth. So, I began to question, if he indeed was truly divorced, contrary to being emotionally unavailable and committment phobic. After too many episodes of crying out of utter confusion, doubt/self-doubt, lonliness, false promises and him constantly disappointing me, I decided to let it go. It was struggle, especially, when we did have contact and I foolishly allowed him back in my life. In the midst of my attempts to let to go, I tried internet dating. Well, much to my surprise, I found several internet dating profiles for him too. I was shocked by what I found on his profiles. He identified himself, in different profiles, as single, divorced and MARRIED/BORED. I was hurt, devastated and dumbfounded but it explained so much. I even found some "nude pics" of him, under some fake profiles, but I still recognized his body. This man has been doing this for a long time. I now realize this is how, he has cheated on his wife, as well. I confronted him with this but denies his internet dating involvement. Along with that, he has not acknowledged THE LIE, about his 'MARRIAGE' not DIVORCE. I GET SO ANGRY, WHENEVER, I THINK ABOUT ALL OF THIS....I'm angry and disappointed in myself and him, as well. After nearly a year, I have avoided relationships or dating, because of my experience with him and my past relationships. I do have trust issues with men and myself. However, I really have to rationalize this and maintain some perspective, because I do feel "my someone" does exist, regardless of my past mistakes in choosing my significant others. Also, I can't allow him or my past to have power over my life....I have to choose to learn from my past but not live in it. I saw him, recently, after he desperately tried to get my attention. I have been avoiding him, because I couldn't deal with any of this. Fortunately, I'm stronger now but seeing him is only a reminder of his ongoing behavior, cowardice and deception. I can only rely on the fact, "The World Does Take Care of Itself".....hopefully, he will grow up and face his accountability, before the universe chooses to do otherwise. BE ENCOURAGED, LADIES....GROW DAILY IN WISDOM & STRENGTH...
All feedback is welcomed.
DECEIVED
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): You know it's wrong. You know it will come out eventually. You know people will be hurt, including yourself. You are so ashamed that you don’t even tell your closest friends. But you love them so much you can’t believe it could be wrong.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008): I've been with a MM for 6 years, have finally come to my senses and am in process of ending it. At the onset of our affair he wasn't yet married, only engaged. It was purely a physical relationship, however we were friends and he confided in me that both of them had serious doubts they should marry. As the date neared, and it was apparent they were going thru with it, he said our relationship would have to stop. I agreed, which was easy as I had no real feelings for him at that point. One week after he returned from his honeymoon, he was back on my doorstep, and the affair continued. About a year and a half into our "relationship", things began to change for both of us. We fell in love. The first time he told me he was leaving his wife was FOUR years ago. May 2004. He actually left her in Nov 2004 and I was thrilled! Until he returned to her after 6 weeks. He came back very shortly thereafter, and like a total fool, I took him back. He's left her several times since then, and he's ALWAYS GONE BACK. Each time i'm absolutely devastated, each time I take him back. I tried to justify it - life with him as a MM is better then life without him, he'll leave her one day for good, etc. Nothing was comforting. His wife knows all about me and has for nearly 4 years, has caught him at my house many times, she and I have exchanged emails, etc and yet she stays. He's a wonderful man and as odd as it sounds even to me, i can't imagine loving anyone this way again. He says the same thing but yet, HE DOESN'T CHOOSE ME. So here is the truth ladies - simply put, don't listen to a MM's words - only consider his ACTIONS. MM do not leave their wives. There's always a reason its "just not the right time". As in love as we are, as mediocre as he claims his marriage is, they have no children, no financial ties (she owns the house, they have no shared bank accounts, etc), her family doesn't like him, she didn't even take his last name - they're going to stick together. I read a great quote you should take to heart - I did. It was said to a woman who was contemplating, with great trepidation, ending her four year affair with a married man - "the only thing worse then wasting four years with a married man, is wasting four years AND ONE DAY." I'm in the process of ending this relationship because I finally accepted the truth and man, is it hard. But it just became enough. I had to do it until I was done. If you find yourself in this situation there comes a point where you have to think logically and realistically. Don't delude yourself - "we're different"; "I just know he's going to leave her", etc. You gotta get your mind, life and body into another realm of existence - busy yourself with things you enjoy, force yourself to go out and socialize, pour yourself into your job, exercise, write in your journal but most importantly, keep telling yourself you did the right thing and be proud knowing you took back control of your life instead of allowing him/your relationship to control it. Sure you're gonna cry, but don't wallow in your pain - it makes it worse and does you no good. Get PROACTIVE. So if you're just starting up with a MM, END IT IMMEDIATELY and have ZERO CONTACT. You will save yourself SOOOO much unnecessary heartache by running as fast as possible in the other direction. If you're already in deep, give yourself a deadline - a personal ultimatum - of when you're going to give up and move on. And nothing ridiculous like "a year". A month or two max. And do not tell him anything about it. If the deadline comes and he hasn't left his wife, out you go and don't look back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008): Ok, so I'm reading these stories with tears in my eyes. Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. Now I feel like I am no longer alone, that at some point, some time, someone has felt the same way as I have. It's truly unbelievable what this world has in store for us. But we cannot control who we fall in love with. Perhaps its fate? But why doesn't fate all work out in the end? Everything is a big mess lately in my world. And I'm at a crucial point in my life where I cannot afford these mix-ups, yet I put everything aside for this MM. Thinking that one day, maybe... Realistically, I know it won't happen and I want to stop but I can't. Keep holding on, this happens its more normal then you probably think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008): We ended things this morning for what seems like the 1000th time - our affair has been going on for over a year and a half. I want it to stick this time. It has to.
We spent the last few nights together and finally the reality of the ridiculous situation smacked me into reality. I finally get that he will never give me and is not capable of giving me what i need and deserve. I too, never thought I would get involved with a married man. When we met and first got physical he told me he was married after the fact. He lives in a different city and like an idiot i agreed to see him again when he was in town for work. He has been cheating on his wife throughout their 20+ year marriage - he told me all about his affairs. I believe his wife knows and turns a blind eye. I justified my bad behavior - the sex was great, i had not been in a relationship for a while, work was horrible and really, where could it go - i am smarter than that. He zeroed in on my vulnerability and told me everything a woman wants to hear - my head knew it was all bs but my heart wanted to believe. Over time, of course he cheated on me as well as his wife. The last few days revealed the depth of his selfishness - or perhaps i just choose to see it really clearly for the first time. Very few friends know the depth/length of the relationship as i was ashamed to admit i was seeing him. They would have pulled me away and knocked some sense into me. I am angry at myself for getting involved with a married man. At the same time i am sad and missing what never really was an amazing relationship. I stumbled on this sight and read every single post. I have never replied to a site before but i felt the need to thank you all for pulling me away and knocking some sense into me. The tears have stopped for now and it has kept me from contacting him today. I pray for strength to let go and forgiveness for betraying his innocent wife and kids. The stories all have a common thread - just stop it - we deserve better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): My married man also left me two weeks ago when his wife found out. They have a daughter also, and he says he can't leave her. I feel the same way...I have been left alone to pick up the pieces while he trys to start over with his wife. He said all the same things to me that all the other married men have say (he is nothing without me etc etc). I can't believe I let this happen!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): I also fell completely in love with a married man. I never thought I would do something like this, but I have never loved anyone like I love him. I had the best year of my life with him. Even though he would always leave me to go home to his family, and he was only there for me when it was convenient for him.
He told me he has never really been in love before me, that he needs me and can’t imagine life without me. When it was too hard for me and I said I couldn’t do it anymore he begged me not to throw it all away. He would talk about our future, our home, our children, and all the things we would do together.
Then, two weeks ago, his wife found out. He has told me he can have no contact with me and that he needs to make it work with her for the sake of their child. He says he still loves me, and always will, but that he has made promises to his wife and he can’t loose his daughter. He said he is dead inside without me, but he can’t leave. He broke down when he was telling me this, and I know it was hard for him, but when it came down to it, he left me. He left me when I needed him the most. I have had to face everyone and deal with the heartbreak alone. My life is in pieces while he still has his wife, his family, and his life. I never wanted to break up a family, but I thought it was too special to throw away. He threw me away so quickly and now I am questioning everything we had. Now I’m reading this and all the stories are the same. I just can't believe everything we had was just a cliché.
I am not over our break up, and it feels like I never will be. I just want to see him and see if he still cares. I need him to look me in the eye and tell me it’s over to believe it. I’m just so confused. Was he really just using me? Even if it is over I need to know it was real.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): This is such a tough situation to be in, and we all have to ask ourselves, how did we get here? I'm sure we never thought "The One " would turn out to be Him, me and her. I can tell you first hand that breaking up and actually leaving him is going to hurt, it's going to be difficult and it's going to feel like there are days you just can't cope.
After our break up one thing that helped me was knowing that although I spent two years of my life with him, he also spent two years with me. However, that was the only thing that seemed fair. I felt so betrayed and so alone, yet he had her to go back to.
All the stories are the same, " He swears he loves me and will leave her, it's just not the right time. He tells me I'm his soul mate, He feels alive with me, we have such a special connection, he can't be without me, I'm his true love... etc.
My situation is a little different in the way that he was very manipulative to keep me where he wanted me. He never told me he would not leave his wife, in fact he told me dates he was going to file & lied about seeing attorneys. The dates were always pushed to future dates, but it left me with the hope.
Looking back, I realized he didn't love me, he lusted for me. If he loved me and if he loved you, he would never make you suffer through the agony and the pain that this type of relationship will bring about. He would never allow it to drag on and on. I think if any of these relationships work out, it's because he leaves within a certain period of time. If it's been a year and he had not left, the chances are he is never going to leave.
Let's face it, at that point why should he? He has the passion and excitement with us " when they want us " and the security of his wife to go back to.
I had to ask myself this very painful question, I've wasted two long years believing in his lies and hopes for our future, do I really want to waste one more moment of my life?
The pain may hurt when you leave & I understand how hard it is to take that step. But trust me when I tell you that if you stay the pain will become far worse, because deep inside you have to know " you deserve so much better " and what you are now doing is putting your life on hold so a man who canno't commit to you or his wife can enjoy himself temporailry are your expense.
I was devastated when I ended it and it took so much time to heal. But the happiness and the joy I feel today is far greater than any of the pain he caused. Try to focus on what life has in store for you, what person may be right around the corner for you. You will never find the right man when you are holding on to the wrong one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): Am also a part of this situation.
Why do we get stuck in such stupid situations ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): As someone said before, "no contact" is the only way to get over the guy. I'm realizing that the hard way.
3 months ago, the MM said that he didn't want to see me or talk to me ever again.
I was absolutely devastated and in so much pain...totally besides myself, not able to function. How could someone who seemed so genuinely connected to me, abandon me so abruptly? I trusted him. I thought that we had grown so deeply attached to each other and couldn't imagine life without him.
But, after 2 months of no contact, I actually started to feel like I didn't care as much about him. I started to get detached and feel somewhat normal, like the way I did before he came in my life.
And then, 2 weeks ago, he called me. I really hesitated about whether I should call him back. But, in a moment of weakness I caved in and called. What a mistake that was.
Well, guess what? He is happier than ever now and things are smooth as pie in his life. It just confirmed what I had thought--that I was just a coping mechanism for him when he had his temporary setback. It was really painful to hear things he was saying...all the special things he was doing for his wife and how things are great now.
I felt incredibly cheap and used. And, I got sucked back into that black hole of horrible feelings---resentment, bitterness, and longing for him, missing him, yet hating him. So, now, I have to start from square one and try to heal again.
This guy knew from the beginning that he wouldn't take me seriously...as someone to have a future with. I was gullible and ate up what he told me, all those compliments, how he loved me, how he had never felt this way about anyone before, blah, blah, blah. They were all LIES. I really believed that he wanted to be with me instead of his wife, who he seemed so unhappy with. But, what I didn't realize is that he really wasn't so unhappy. And, that he didn't love me enough or at all to do anything about it. He was just temporarily lonely and needed validation.
I was just fine before he came in my life. I was not even attracted to him. And, I let him steal my heart, break it, and then throw me out like yesterday's garbage. It's a horrible feeling. I feel hollow, empty, lost, and damaged. My self-esteem is at an all time low. I am trying hard to restore my soul.
So, I agree completely that no contact is the ONLY solution. He lives his happy life, the life he always wanted, and shattered mine. I am alone to pick up all the pieces. I was fooled and used. How is it right that he doesn't have to pay for what he has done? I regret so much that I let him do this to me. It will take a long, long time to heal.
Never, ever again will I be so stupid and naive!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): I wrote the post dated May 7th but just read the post dated April 24th. It is very true. The man I was dealing with is very ambitious. He is well-known and respected in his community and in his church. He is actually in the process of becoming a clergyman within his church. A divorce would just delay that process if not, put a complete halt on it. We had a relationship off and on for 7 years. We ended it in 2001 when he made the decision to pursue this call from God. We remained friends. I moved on, had a child and we later reconnected in 2004 for a one-time fling. We connected again in 2006 and again in 2007, but through the years, we have always remained friends. I care about him and want good things for him as I believe he wants good things for me. He is good man but deeply confused. I never expected him to leave, never asked him to leave but deep down, I wanted him to choose me. His children are grown and out of the house. He knew I would always be there. I would be there to listen, to love, to care and I wouldn't demand anything from him. He also knew I wasn't a threat. I would never do anything to tell his wife or hurt his chances to become a clergyman. I still don't want to do any of those things. He says his wife wants the three of us to get together in one room and for him to apologize to me and to her and to make a choice. I told him I would do it, if that is what she needs to get closure as I feel like I owe her that. He said he doesn't want to do that or for me to have to endure it. His wife asked him if he loved me and he told me he said no. Then he says to me, "of course, that was a lie." I don't know what to believe anymore. I want to believe that he did love me. Yesterday, two days after she found out about the affair, they left for a mission trip with their Bishop. His goal once she found out was to keep the trip together as it obviously, wouldn't look good if she was not there. So, here I am sitting at work crying. He asked me not tell anyone for fear that it might get out and exploit him but yet he has his wife to talk to. Despite the fact that he has cheated almost the length of his marriage, they are committed to one another. I can't worry about why someone would choose to stay in that situation. Even though I do, it really doesn't change the fact that he has made the decision to stay with someone he claims he is so incompatible with. He has become a drug to me. I loved this man so deeply and want and need to believe he loved me. I put him up on some sort of pedestal. He is just a man. A man with flaws just like everyone else. To quote the April 24th post, "Even though he didn't love his wife he stayed .. and is still with her. It's the power of that life they build with their wives, the joint friends, the church life, the political and business ties, the network of people who might judge them for leaving." For him it was goal to become a minister. While his lifestyle is completely contradictory to what he wants to do, it really isn't my place to judge. I made mistakes. I could have left. I consider myself a Christian but I stayed. We were arrogant to think that we could keep going and not get caught. It's only been 4 days and I am going through severe withdrawal symptoms - I am doubting myself, our relationship, the feelings he expressed for me, everything. I feel badly for hurting his wife. I feel like there is no end and because he is in another country now, making communication impossible, I feel lost. I know that the fact that he is gone for 2 weeks should probably help in getting over him as many people have suggested going "cold turkey." Any words of wisdom and advice would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): Ladies, for those of you who have finally decided to let your MM go and are suffering tremendously from the loss of this break up. Please know you can survive this. For me the key was NO CONTACT, AT ALL. It sounds impossible to some, but truly it is the only way. I also found writing down my feelings to be very helpful, praying a lot, reading some wonderful books out there, and of course, time. It's now been 4 months since I walked away. It gets better now every day. I finally have peace and joy in my life again. Because of the negative bonding relationships like this cause us, I think we all end up struggling with what is real and compromise our integrity. There will be tension of wanting to call him, but don't! You can survive this too. Stay strong. Find yourself again and never go back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): Well, there are a lot of us out there. I am 34 years old and I am in love with a married man. We have dated off and on for several years and I want to believe with everything in me that he doeslove me. We started off as friends and then became intimate. He claims that he and his wife are incompatible on every level and that he wishes we would have connected sooner. We have traveled together, spent weekends together and he has always treated me like a queen. His wife recently found out and of course, it hit the ceiling. He is about 20 years older than me and they have been married a little over 30 years. He has been unfaithful in the past but they have always worked it out. While this is the worse than in the past as she has hard evidence, she, while extremely hurt is still committed to working it out and of course, he wants to do the same. They don't leave! I knew he would never leave in my head and he never said he would but when we were together it felt so right, so good, that we both felt like we were perfect for one another. As the other woman, you start to think, "Hmmmm....maybe or what if?" That's a dangerous game to play. More than anything I value his friendship as we started off as friends so now that his wife knows, there can be no friendship. We should have ended it a long time ago. I don't want to believe that he was "stringing me along" but they have their agenda as we do as the other woman. We want to show them that we are better and then start to think we have the advantage when we don't. Their wives do. I never thought much about the holidays or birthdays or felt badly that we weren't together. I was okay with that as I have plenty of friends and family so that didn't concern me. I knew I loved him and he loved me. Because she just found out, I have not called him, emailed him or anything. I just wait to hear from him. It's definitely over. What we lived in was fantasy. Once his wife found out, everything became very real. Yes, he is the one married and he could have walked away but so could I. We share the blame in this situation. I love him and I probably always will. We had talked about ending it but neither one of us was strong enough to do it. If we would have ended it, before she would have found out, we could have remained friends as we have always been friends and avoided all the pain. What hurts more than anything is that now there is nothing? And it makes you doubt and question everything about that relationship and everything about yourself. I accepted part-time love as complete love. It's hard lesson learned. I just hope that we can at some point maintain some sort of friendship. He doesn't see that as possible as he told his wife that he wouldn't have any contact with me. When I pointed out that he is contacting me now, he said that he wants to make sure that I am okay and that he isn't going to abandon me. I am rambling. I guess I just needed to get it out. My point is they don't leave. We put them on some sort of pedestal and they are just as messed up as the rest of us, if not more so. We talked about ending things two days before she found out. Now, two days after our break up, I can't eat, I can't concentrate at work, I can't sleep. I am literally paralyzed. I woke up this morning and just felt hollow inside. It is not a good feeling. And now what's worse, because as the other woman, you tend to keep things to yourself, now, I am bearing a lot of the pain alone. It's embarrassing. I was able to confide in one friend who cried with me but this is going to be a long uphill road to recovery. I pray and I pray for what is right. I still want him and I know that's not right so I pray for what is right. I pray for healing for him and his wife and for myself. I pray for guidance and direction. I pray until I start to feel it and really believe that this is for the best. If you're in this situation, really know what you're getting into. I didn't listen to my friend who cautioned me but trust me, it doesn't end good.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): I'm new to this experience. I've been with a married man for just over a month. The one thing that I'm dealing with is guilt... They just had a baby the month before I started the relationship with him. It's getting harder by the day although I haven't made any demands of him. The other day he hinted towards us having kids although I personally do not want any at all. Every time I promise myself that I'll end it, when I see him, it's like the most difficult thing in the world to do and so I haven't yet. The one time I built up the courage to end it, he was so upset that I quickly back-pedalled. Aren't there any of these relationships that finally work out?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): I posted before about my MM - I wanted to let you ladies know that what actually worked for me to move on was holding strong to no contact. I thought I was going to die the first couple of months, then it got somewhat easier.. until I could actually go a whole day without thinking about him. My self esteem is actually coming back. The damage that they do, that we let them do, can be undone. It's just hard.They don't leave their families. We all know that on some level, we just hope we will be the exception, the one who loved enough that we broke through the wall - like it's a fairytale. They DO need us, desperately, and we think that will motivate them to change; I know for me I was a coping mechanism for this man, and it helped him to think I was always an option that he could take if he ever did get too unhappy, not be alone. So while he doesn't want me full time, he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. That's no way to live.It's so sad that I had to learn that love is not enough, even being soulmates is not enough.I wanted to share a story I heard from a man I met, married with five kids - he had tears in his eyes during this story. Fifteen years ago he met his "soulmate" and had an affair with her that lasted for many, many years. Kept intending to leave his family, there was never a good time, but kept telling her it was right around the corner. Eventually she decided she needed better and met another man and got married. He clearly would have been fine with the situation continuing forever, he wanted her but he didn't want to change (she could have been stuck with half a life for decades!). Even though he didn't love his wife he stayed .. and is still with her. It's the power of that life they build with their wives, the joint friends, the church life, the political and business ties, the network of people who might judge them for leaving - in addition to having to look their children in the eye and say goodbye. No matter how wonderful you are, you are still the "other woman" and there is a deep amount of shame involved in looking at a child when part of the reason for breaking their heart is that the sex is better with you than the child's mother. For men, the pressure of all of that adds up to something much more powerful than love. The more ambitious or socially minded the man, the more this becomes a barrier.All we can do is stop when we know it is damaging us, try to avoid them pushing all of our buttons - they try hard to win us back over. Try to look at why we picked them, for me it's just one in a pattern of emotionally unavailable men, and now a really unavailable one. Try to learn and do better next time. I am sure it can be done! :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): Wow, just read all these postings and its so weird everyone is in the same situation to a certain degree.
I have been with a my MM for 4 years and its come to a head.
Known all along its not right. Thought I was on top of it.
Just the sexual excitement and experience of all the encounters. Well it nipped me in the butt. 4 years later im a wreck. Dont trust men and this literally destroys your self esteem and trust in men. How do we let these guys manipulate us? Such damage is unforgivable. Meanwhile they lead there happy lives with there wives. All in check. The damage they cause can be life altering. Is anyone concerned about this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): Oh my God if anybody is having difficulty coming to terms with the reality of having a relationship with a married man just read the answers to this question. Since 2005 there have been 229 answers from mostly women who are in very similar situations with men they met at work!!! Beware of the charming collegue/boss at work, if you've finally met your "soul mate" who just happens to be inconveniently married, run for the hills as fast as you can, your not the first and believe me you will not be the last!!!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): I cant understand how I can be still with him. After all the tears...after all the hurt..I still long to be with him. I know he will never truly be mine so why do I keep going back to him? It will be two years living this crazy life. Each time we try to stop..we start up again. He does not intend on leaving his wife and children. And I am not exactly sure if I would want him to give up everything in his life for me. I argue with him only to go right back into his arms. He gives me only what he can of himself which is very little. I do deserve more..I do deserve a man who will love only me and want to be with only me. So I ask myself again ..what am I doing with a married man?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): Its strange how you can come and read about people going through the exact same thing you are going through... my situation i meet this guy through a mutual friends and we hit it off, i was seeing someone else but he told me he was single.. so after a couple of months everything started going good between us so i broke it off with my bf.. after 8 months of us going out, i get a phone call from this woman who is telling me that she's his wife... Being hurt would be an understatement... i loved him, and he told me he loved me too.. I thought nothing couldn't get any better than him, Him calling me early in the morning just to hear my voice... Even after i confronted him about his wife he denied her, just like he had denied me to her... We aren't seeing each other at the moment, but i still love him i can't stop thinking about me.. he still contacts me every now and then to see how i'm doing but each time my heart cries out for him i want wat we once had, even if he's still with her i don't care... LOVE SOMETHING MEANS MORE THAN ANYTHING
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): Well, it hurts to read all of these similarities between what's going on in my life right now and the lives of so many other women.. yes.. because no matter how much I read I'm still hurt and I'm so weak to go back and say no... I can't go on with this!! some how I'm stuck, yeah.. perhaps I'm lying to myself, but there is a light at the end of the tunel that I'm following like a blind bug and probably I know my end will be burn and dead.. but what to do??? when reasoning doesn't make sence??? I know our common denominator is "loneliness" but there is some other situations were people really get separated and find happiness with someone else.. I don't understand why people needs to be inside a bad marriage or relationship??? and I think if a man is out there looking for someone else then his wife is just out of his heart, I know every situation is different since every human being is a complete diferent Universe.. and some people just live their lives as social rules say they should.. but I think we are here in this life searching for happiness and learning from situations.. and sometimes painful things makes us stronger and we should learn from it, and relationships are not a black and white issue there's no right and wrong at least we are just learning, making mistakes and doing better every time..I am a 38 year old woman, I was in a long bad relationship myself since I was 17 and had 3 kids with my "ex" and I was inside that horrible marriage for the sake of the kids until one day finally God hear me out and send this other woman to my ex's life, she fall for him, he told her how misserable he was with me..and all the same story married man tells over and over.. and after some years of long distance relations he moved out of my hoouse and in with her.. Finaly I was free!!! but after over 15 years with him I felt like an earthquaque happened. Sudendly I was alone and it took me a little while to realize how bad we humans get used to whatever life we lived.. good or bad we just get used to it.. that happened 4 years ago, and I was in search of a new beautiful true love.. yes I dated but nothing happened.. no real sparks and lighting, up until 3 months ago.. when someone from a love matching website contact me.. (yeah, I've tried them all... eharmony, match.com, and many more)and one of those profiles was for single parents yeahh how ironic.. he found me... very nice.. inmediately conection.. tons of emails, long phone calls, and the kissing on the first date, love at first sight!!! for the first time in my life I was in love.. and he said the same, the sex was out of this world, wow what else could I ask for? I was the happiest woman ever, we share so much, we were conected up until one day my phone rings and I can see is him... so I answered as usual hi papi... just to feel like a knife just stabbed me in my chest.. it wasn't him.... it was his wife!! saying who she was and telling me not to miss him so much.. OMG!! it hurts.. really bad!! just that morning I had a bad dream where he say something I don't remember what and I woke up crying and with a weird feeling in my heart..but I was reieved when I realized it was just a dream.. so I sent him a text saying how much I miss him, and I guess she read it!! the idiot forgot his phone.. and he got caught!!! pain... pain..pain.. tears..tears.. tears.. my whole world collapased.. how could him??? after he say he loved me.. so many times... after he spent valentine's day and night with me?? (where was she??) I don't understand?? my first reaction was to run away, to scape.. but damn it!!! I'm so deep in love already!! and of course first thing he did was telling me is you who I love is you who I want to stay with... I don't want to hear explanations because he can be lying.. but some how I have my own bad first marriage experience and I'm hanging from the illusion that hey.. what if??? when two people don't love each other ok just say good bye and start over again.. but I have the bad felling that he lie and wasn't honest and hide his true status.. I don't know what to do.. this love thing is crazy.. and perhaps when you met someone in this life path is becasue of a reason.. but I have no clue of what I'm supposed to learn from this?? so I turned to God and asked for help.. and I decided to let the river run its way and see what happens.. if we are meant to be together then we will, if not then I 'll see what to do with my life!! I wish I could say sorry to his wife but it wasn't my fault, I didn't know about her.. and now she knows about me and I know she is hurt for the nasty message she left on my phone which I didn't even dare to listen to, I deleted it before even hearing it completly.. and changed my # also.. but things happens for a reason and even if she is hurt now may be life is telling her there is another better life waiting for her.. another man who loves her and won't cheat on her.. may be this happened for a reason, marriage is just a contract, a paper when there's no real love.. so there's no need to stay in one just becasue.. but if in the other hand there's a chance for them to be happy and love again I will understand and go away.. but for now he keeps saying he loves me.. and I'm so dumb for listening I know.. but that's what's happening now.. and as I said before, what if???? huh??? what if???
good luck to all and remember that happiness is not a destination is a highway!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): Okay, there is no answer to this. I am a married woman of 10 years three children. My husband is supportive of me, I have a military career. Currently while overseas, I fell in love with a married man. What started as very good friends for 10 months greww intimate. Maybe its the hazards of being in an austere environment. I miss my family and he misses his. I know I love this man, but we have no intentions of wrecking our families for eachother. The day we step off the plane into our families arms will be the day it ends. But for now, if we can't be with the ones we love, love the ones we're with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): Wow, I guess there are a lot of people in a similar situation. I met my man online. Ironically, I made an account on one of those sex sites to gain access to my husband's in order to understand what he was doing there in first place. Well, I ended up finding this page that was very honest in explaining that he was married. I became intrigued and decided to contact this person to see why he is so unhappy...thinking perhaps I'd find out why my husband always seems to be looking elsewhere. In addition to my insecurities about my husband's wandering eye..I was alone at home as hubby was deployed. After exchanging about 4 emails with the new mystery man, I realized he was not to different from myself. Moreover, the similarities we shared were in aspects of my life, my own husband didn't' understand and would often convince me were horrible and wrong. Oddly, one night my internet broke and as he was in the business of fixing that sort of thing, he asked if he could come over and help me. I had spoken to him quit a bit via email and had that one phone conversation with him, plus I had a pretty protective dog...so I said yes to his offer.
When he arrived, the attraction was instant. He is gorgeous. That night we talked a long while and I found out he married very young and had 4 children with his wife. Despite the taboo act we were committing, even just by talking....I could tell deep down, he is a very good person. Before he left, we couldn't help but kiss each other. It was the most relaxed, yet exciting experience to touch him and be touched by him. We stopped before we had sex...as if that makes us saints or something. As I was alone and his work allowed him to travel the city, we spent the next few months getting together at my house. After a few months of spending wonderful, relaxed evenings together he told me he loved me. When he told me, I cried..because I knew I loved him too. Unfortunately I also knew I couldn't have or openly be with this man that feels like the person god made for me. His children are all small and he is the most amazing father I've ever met. Knows pretty much everything about each and every one of his children. Lights up at the mere mention of them. At the same time, I am utterly confused about my marriage.
Before deployment, there were problems....but way before that...it was wonderful...or maybe I should just say hot and heavy. Wonderful might not be the right word. My husband cheated on me many times early in our relationship. After breaking up and getting back together so many times though...we decided to get married. Chalking all the turmoil up to growing up because we met at 16. I don't know though. Perhaps I was just rationalizing something that honestly wasn't rational. I think I'm not very good at understanding relationships because I was always very driven with school...not giving myself enough brain power to evaluate marriage better. Funny, I'll be a doctor in a few years...but I'm an idiot at marriage.
Anyway, today I visit the man I love when ever I can. My husband leaves quit often for military work and when he isn't leaving for that spends a lot time with his friends...on "boy's video game nights". Sadly, I'm finally fine with the neglect and the ways he tries to hold me down. Only because I have someone that makes me feel beautiful. I think of leaving him, but war really hurt him and I'm left afraid of putting him through any more then he has already been through. I guess despite resentment..I do feel love. Anyway, I am studying to be a doctor so that distracts me and in times when I need release and real relaxation my other man is there for me. It hurts not to spend my life with him. I actually wish I could see him taking care of his large group of children. I know they just love him like crazy. But...I couldn't bare asking him to move out before the youngest even learns to say daddy. Also, kids don't truly remember until 5 or older. What a weird situation. Anyway..whatever..interesting to see how so many people are in a similar situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): I cant believe some of what I am reading. Being able to come here and read stories that match mine. Makes me feel not so alone in this world. I met this man 12 years ago. We worked together and his live-in girlfriend was our boss. They had a child together who was four at the time. He and I got very close, enjoyed each others company. Would go out and of course, the rumors around the office made things a little harder on us. People were starting to figure it all out. I ended up getting pregnant with his child and in order to make his life easier, I decided it was best for me to leave. So I did. Packed up and left the job and the city where we lived and worked and moved back to the small town I came from. I had our daughter and have raised her alone, without him for the past 10 years. He in the meantime, married his girlfriend and has had 2 more children with her. Last summer we saw each other for the first time in over 10 years. Since then, we have started all over again. Taking it slow and just talking, then seeing each other every Friday for lunch. Emailing and chatting all the time. Of course, he tells me that he is unhappy in his marriage, only married her for insurance reasons and that because I broke his heart when I left the city all the years before, I pretty much drove him back to his girlfriend. (He always claimed they were spliting and things were ending when we were together 12 years ago).
I was young then. I was heartbroken when I left him. I did it because never at one time did he ever tell me he loved me, he never showed me that he wanted me to be with him. He never actually left his girlfriend. I felt alone and used and I was pregnant. So I left. Now all these years later he tells me that he loved me, that he wanted to marry me and that he thought about me everyday since I left him all those years ago.
Now here I am, alot older, alot wiser and falling right back into his arms again. We have made love four times since August of 07'. He had made no mistake that he wont and cant leave his wife until the children are grown and gone. They youngest is 5. He tells me over and over again how he cant stand his wife, how they dont talk, dont make love, dont do anything and have not for years. That he loves me, and only me. He has never asked me to wait on him, but, at the same time, he claims he cant not be with me, that he is miserable and that I am on the only happiness he has ever known.
Am I stupid? He was my first love. The father of my daughter. He will always be a part of my life. But, now I have fallen for him all over again. His wife found out we were talking again and that I am back in his life through a cell phone bill that she has. He lied to her and told her that we just talk about our daughter and that sort of thing. If he really loved me, and if everything he says to me when we see each other and talk was really true then why wouldn't he want to be happy and end his marriage, make the best to do it the right way and then start a new life with me?
I guess I just needed to vent this out and see if I can make sense of what I am doing. I know the person this makes me for getting involved with him again. Sleeping with a married man. After I have typed all this out I think I see that he is feeding me a bunch of bull. He wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. A little something extra to add some excitement to a failing marriage. Who knows. Any input would be great. Thanks for listening.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): I cant believe some of what I am reading. Being able to come here and read stories that match mine. Makes me feel not so alone in this world. I met this man 12 years ago. We worked together and his live-in girlfriend was our boss. They had a child together who was four at the time. He and I got very close, enjoyed each others company. Would go out and of course, the rumors around the office made things a little harder on us. People were starting to figure it all out. I ended up getting pregnant with his child and in order to make his life easier, I decided it was best for me to leave. So I did. Packed up and left the job and the city where we lived and worked and moved back to the small town I came from. I had our daughter and have raised her alone, without him for the past 10 years. He in the meantime, married his girlfriend and has had 2 more children with her. Last summer we saw each other for the first time in over 10 years. Since then, we have started all over again. Taking it slow and just talking, then seeing each other every Friday for lunch. Emailing and chatting all the time. Of course, he tells me that he is unhappy in his marriage, only married her for insurance reasons and that because I broke his heart when I left the city all the years before, I pretty much drove him back to his girlfriend. (He always claimed they were spliting and things were ending when we were together 12 years ago).I was young then. I was heartbroken when I left him. I did it because never at one time did he ever tell me he loved me, he never showed me that he wanted me to be with him. He never actually left his girlfriend. I felt alone and used and I was pregnant. So I left. Now all these years later he tells me that he loved me, that he wanted to marry me and that he thought about me everyday since I left him all those years ago.Now here I am, alot older, alot wiser and falling right back into his arms again. We have made love four times since August of 07'. He had made no mistake that he wont and cant leave his wife until the children are grown and gone. They youngest is 5. He tells me over and over again how he cant stand his wife, how they dont talk, dont make love, dont do anything and have not for years. That he loves me, and only me. He has never asked me to wait on him, but, at the same time, he claims he cant not be with me, that he is miserable and that I am on the only happiness he has ever known.Am I stupid? He was my first love. The father of my daughter. He will always be a part of my life. But, now I have fallen for him all over again. His wife found out we were talking again and that I am back in his life through a cell phone bill that she has. He lied to her and told her that we just talk about our daughter and that sort of thing. If he really loved me, and if everything he says to me when we see each other and talk was really true then why wouldn't he want to be happy and end his marriage, make the best to do it the right way and then start a new life with me? I guess I just needed to vent this out and see if I can make sense of what I am doing. I know the person this makes me for getting involved with him again. Sleeping with a married man. After I have typed all this out I think I see that he is feeding me a bunch of bull. He wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. A little something extra to add some excitement to a failing marriage. Who knows. Any input would be great. Thanks for listening.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): I have been involved with a married man for the past 5 1/2 years. We met through a friend. He was unhappy in his marriage, but not willing to end it and I was unhappy in my relationship as well. In the beginning we both had intended for it just be a strictly a sexual relationship, however, over the years we have become very close. He truly is my best friend. Well, in November of 06, he and his wife decided to separate. They sold their house and in April he moved away. He and I still were in contact daily. We have seen each other since he moved and it was wonderful. He is a beautiful person and I truly am in love with him. Well, right before thanksgiving of 07 his wife ran in to some financial problems, was lonely and wanted her marriage back. He felt that after their 20+ yr marriage, he owed her something and now she is living back together with him. I was crushed. He says he still loves me, that what they share is so different than what we share. He has come back to see him and we still talk, but not as often as we used to because his wife is there now. We have both tried to end things, but that just doesn't work. He plans on staying with his wife for at least the next 2 years and then wants to come back to me. I'm not a kid, I'm a grown woman with my own responsibilities. Am I wasting my life waiting on a man that may never be mine?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): wow i cant beleive it, this story is identical to mine. I also fell in love with a married man who works with me. He fell in love first and exclaimed it first too. He also claims to love his wife and is crazy about his children. Our relationship progressed very fast from being friends to very close friends to lovers. We had many complications during the course, the biggest being his marriage ofcourse.the funny thing is that he is not my type at all. i would have never imagined falling in love with him when i first met him. when i joined this company last year i just came out of a longterm very painful relationship and needed a shoulder to cry. he was there at the right time and so we got very close. I was comfortable with that cos he was married and commited and i thought i was still in love with my ex. all our likes and dislikes are the same. somehow we got inseperable and our friendship turned to passion then he actually said he loves me and struggles to stay away from me. and we fought a lot as well. I remember this one fight in particular when he thought i was flirting with a guy, he just blew up and left. i spent the whole weekend crying and waiting for his call. when he returned he looked devesatated, he hadnt shaved nor ironed his clothes, he even dropped weight in two days. he told me later that just to imagine that we ll be over he wasnt able to live. There was a lot of passion, tears and laughter in our relationship. After a while he started feeling very guilty about us. he told me that he is unable to go to his wife because he is not attracted to her anymore cos of me.I fell for this man for his character, warmth and attitude. he has had many problems in his life and has overcome them and not given up. despite all the problems he went through and is going through right now specially financially, he manages to keep a positive attitude.Although our religion allows second marriage for a man, he claims he cannot do this as this will destroy his children. anyway after much drama he decided to finish romantic ties and stay good friends.this kind of crap doesnt work i know it everyone knows it.he said if he stays with me as a lover he ll eventually divorce his wife cos he is strongly attracted to me making it difficult for him to have a normal relationship with his wife. after making this decision he seemed happy and less stressed. These days he just seems to be fine with everyhting in his life and he is giving more and more time to his family. it feels like nothing existed as if he never loved me. but i know he did, he is not the kind of guy who is ok with having affairs and leaving. no i have reason to beleive he was in love with me. He says he has never loved like he loved me and never met anyone like me and never felt the way he felt when he was with me. He also says eventhough he ll love me forever but he ll not say it nor show it and not even try to think about it. and he ll try to forgo and forget all the emotions he had for me. right now i m just devestated. i left one painful relation just to enter another more painful one. now that this is over too i m shattered. i just cant take it anymore. I have been depressed for such a long time I cant remember happiness. Although i pretend to be happy outside all the time, i cant show my pain to anyone in the world. I cant share my pain either cos i dont have any friends, the only friend i had was him.I have entertained the thought of abondoning life as it is.I came across this forum while checking on love with married man. i am sorry for a long ass post, i know its not an answer to the original post, just felt like sharing my feelings too. its good to know there are people out there who are going through the same thing and i m not alone in this. gives one a slight ray of hope
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008): My MM? Why doesnt it matter to me if he treats me well, if he really cares, etc. I just love him and want him even knowing he is just using me. He likes to add notches to his bedpost and makes no secret that he persuing other women as he persues me. I must be insane. It hurts but I cant imagine walking away or ever feeling like this for anyone else. guess i'm hopeless.
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reader, Merve +, writes (2 March 2008):
I am 22,doin ma master in pharmacy and while i was doin work experience I fell i luv with a pharmacist 33, and met his wife at the same work place for 3 years. I became really good mates with both of them. Recently, We are seeing each other, he tells me that im his other half, he knew I was special wen he first met me but we dont date, we just go for dinner or coffee, he says in a joke that he finds me attractive and asks me whether I will consider sum1 like him.He does not clearly express his feelings maybe coz hez married and knows that he has no right! His wife really likes me too, she used to tell me how much she hates to live with him but stays in the marrige due to family pressure. They are married for 7 years and dnt hav kids, his wife is in her parents house now coz he asked her to think abt divorce. I think I fell for him because he is caring, we get on well, classy. I always wanna see him and he says he has time for me all the time. I feel a bit guilty too but I feel like hes the one coz hez deeper than the guys i met b4. What shall I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): You don’t love him, but wasting your youth, time, health, and, finally, your feelings, and your freedom. You shouldn’t! Women, who became mistresses of married men, most often, dissapointed in life and love, hopeless to find their only one, honest, darling, loving and careful man, who will never cheat and betray. Isn’t it a dream of all women? And instead of trusting, enjoying life, searching and struggling, she plunges into this maelstrom. May be HE is cheating, but not me, he’s cheating on his wife. HE seems to love me, otherwise why does he spend time with me? HE is careful, tender and loving. Of course, what else should he do? You know, you’re his favorite toy, no, you’re rather a hobby, like, for example, fishing, sauna, friends, beer. HE takes a rest from his family matters with you. And then he returns home, kisses his darling wife and a daughter, son, if he has them, tenderly. HE makes himself comfortable in front of TV, eats his tasty supper, HE enjoys life, having forgotten about you completely. And you are at the same time heatedly happy, as HE presented you so much “love”, and sad, as he’s not with you already. But you hope now HE feels the same, as you do, this way trying to calm yourself down. This repeats every time and this syndrome is called loneliness. You’re lonely, but HE is not. Quite the contrary, HE is happy. It flatters his self-esteem, that you’re loving and waiting for him, and that his wife is also loving and waiting him. And HE won’t break up with her because of you, HE can do it only for his sake, there can be many reasons. Then HE will come to you and, probably, even marry you, what is next to impossible. And will cheat on you. Well, why not, you know, hobby is hobby and he shouldn’t deprive himself of it. What a man HE is, if there’re no fishing, beer with friends and no mistress. That will never happen. You know, HE is a man!
And now, ask yourself: do you need this? Are there no other men? And don’t say yourself about big love. And that it suits you, and you’re not going to marry, you don’t need unwanted troubles etc. etc. Stop! Deep in your soul you know that this is not true. And don’t convince yourself of the opposite. And truth is in the fact that you’re afraid. You’re afraid of staying alone again, left with nothing. But you’re alone now too. And HE is not your man and never was and will be yours. Don’t be afraid! I can say you for sure, that if a married man swallowed you, then a singe one will not just swallow, but will just be crazy about you. Because married men don’t need second chop, they need the best to satisfy their ambition, their own significancy. So be brave! Break up with him, don’t feel sorry for him, as he doesn’t feel sorry for you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2008): Like others I am extremely happy that I found this forum. I like reading through the responses and reading that yes, I am not alone. I am... considerabley (20+) years younger than my MM and a good distance (several states) away. Honestly we are the best example of age is simply a number. We must have been lovers in another life. Anyways, I am in no position to be looking for a potential life mate, so I was ok with moving forward with him. Way.. forward. I have major guilt trips, but it just feels so right. I am in no way attempting to justify my behavior but, our love, is deeper than anything I have EVER felt. What am I suppose to do? He is a tad bit possesive, his wife is BEAUTIFUL and the complete package, so it makes me wonder... WHY ME. WHAT ABOUT ME? Bored with marriage? Or does he really love me. I don't know... I am so confused.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008): I am in the middle of an emotional roller coaster ride with a MM. We've agreed to slow down, be friends, work associates only, and he needs to focus on his wife and five kids. I need to focus on my boyfriend and our four kids (2 his, 2 mine). I feel an emotional bond with the MM that I cannot find with my boyfriend... I feel complete when I talk to my MM, and lacking when talking to my boyfriend. We haven't had sex (intercourse) yet, because I am afraid of the emotional floodgates never being able to close.. but we have passionate kisses, fondling and oral. I am divorced because my ex cheated on me.. and now I'm doing the same thing to another woman! I am disgusted in my behavior, but almost feel like I can't control myself. We talked today just as friends, and decided that not seeing each other is best, then tonight he calls.. and says "I can't stop thinking about you.... I miss you so much." My heart melts, and I can't resist him. What is wrong with me? I am 39, educated, professional, attractive, financial secure, and I've been around the block.... and I'm in this position. Bitter women, please don't judge. It is an eye opener how needy the female heart truly is. God forbid someone catches us at a low moment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): I don't know how to get out. It started as friends at work and I was married. My marriage fell apart and now am alone to raise my 9 year old while he is still with his wife and 2 children. I want to move on. I deserve as all of you do to beloved 100% of the time. Why I ask? I was in limbo and now I am awake only to relaize that I am in love with a married muslim morrocan man!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): Boy am I glad I found this website...it's nice to know I'm not alone! I too am hung up on a guy I work with. We're both married...I never set out to be the other woman. Things at home are pretty stale and then all of a sudden this guy pretty much fell in my lap. Despite my early reservations, I fell hard. Unfortunately, not too long after things started heating up, he got cold feet. A friend had been through something similar and lost everything in his divorce as well as his job. He was terrified of being caught and ending up the same way and hurting his kids (he's nuts over his kids...which is a good thing!). Things got intimate, but never went all the way...unless you count really erotic emails after we had supposedly decided to just be friends and see what happened. Now he looks at me with these sad eyes and I just can't move on. My heart keeps hoping he'll come back, my head is telling me he won't. Changing jobs or locations isn't an option, so I still see him several times during the day. I've been playing it cool and limiting how much I talk to him, no emails, etc., but I just can't get him out of my head or my heart. I'm miserable. Being made to feel sexy and beautiful is heady stuff if you aren't getting it at home, but there's more to it than that. I know I'm attractive and I get lots of attention at work, but even that isn't helping.
So I'm glad to know I'm not alone. So many of these stories sound just like me!!! I never thought I'd find myself in this situation and frankly never thought much of people who did, but I have learned that life has a way of throwing you curveballs, no matter how secure you think things are. If anyone has found the secret to either getting him out of their heads, or making him come back...please share!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): oh my goodness thankyou for that self disclosure. i myself am in a similar situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): Moonlight, I highly recommend the book "How to Survive Your Boyfriend's Divorce: Loving Your Separated Man Without Losing Your Mind". It's funny and full of great advice for the high risk situation we find ourselves in, the common pitfalls, and the emotions to be aware of. You may not have closure, per se, but at least if you do what you are doing and trying to go on with your life, you are doing all you can do to move forward. It's frustrating, and I'm doing it myself. Hard to move on when you really don't want to, but sometimes it's all you can do...
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reader, moonlight +, writes (16 January 2008):
Firstly, most of the women here have fallen for a MM so don't judge. We already know it's "wrong" and "forbidden", etc. Too late, it happened. Second, stop evoking "God". People do what they are compelled to; there is no puppeteer pulling the strings on this.
My MM approached me and we started a friendship, innocent lunches together but a huge chemical pull. Only at the 3rd lunch did I notice his ring. I backed off and he was hurt, kept calling upon me and saying he's fallen in love with me. I believe he had. Supposedly his marriage was on auto-pilot for 3 years and he stays for his young son. Though, after we fell for each other, he hired a divorce lawyer and so did his wife (she isn't happy in the marriage either, but stays for the son, so there's no "poor betrayed wife" fighting for the marriage here).
A therapist told me that cheating men normally don't actually leave the marriage until there's someone else in the picture. Of course, he only parsed his time with me (no evenings/no weekends) while continuing to gush over me and bring flowers and cards and flattering me like silly. We only made love a few times because of time constraints: the relationship was mainly emotional. So NO - he wasn't in it just for the sex because we barely had sex.
Finally I figured out that he was getting his needs met by me, and I was not getting my needs met at all. I moved out of state (which I'd been contemplating anyway) and he flipped out, but he (and I give him some credit) said that he had no right to stop me from moving on to somewhere I'd be happy and to someone who could give me what I deserve. he said that when he leaves his marriage, he'll come get me if I want him. (it could be years of course). The relationship has continued with intense phone calls and emails, but he now seems distracted (I believe without my presence, the excitement for him is waning) and he contacts me less. The same is true for me, but I am still in love with him. There is no switch to turn love on and off, okay?
So now I'm trying the No Contact technique to see if I can wean myself. I haven't thrown away his mushy cards or deleted emails, but I've started to date a bit. He is still in touch but hasn't tried to drum up more contact with me. I'm hurt, but in a way it's a gift, because it should help me pull away.
Okay, so it seems like I pretty much know what's going on? But there's one puzzle - in fact I'm still in love with him and I feel like I need CLOSURE! And closure I'm not going to get from him, because why would he close the door? His motto is "never say never" and "we'll be together one day if we're meant to be". Is there a wise soul out there who can tell me how she obtained closure without the participation of the MM? I don't want to say "eff you" and slam the door, but I do want to move on to someone who is 100% dedicated. Thank you and I wish you the best that you all deserve. Awaiting any wisdom....
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008): Anonymous,
First of all...I really feel for you...I am in almost the SAME situation! Also, in love with a married man- 2 kids, and not 'the cat's meow,' if you will? I feel in love with his spirit and charisma. We work closely together and I know that his lying and cheating will do me no justice. You are only 20- I am 27...he is 33. My feelings of lonliness and regret plague me. It is hard to even work at times.
Often he will tell me lies (stories that anyone in the their right mind know are lies). I want so desperately to believe him! I just cannot anymore.
It makes it so much more difficult to work with the source of your pain, doesn't it?! Thinking that people at work may find out (among other things).
Just rememeber "everthing will be o.k." You are young, and have so much to offer this big world.
If you make a pledge to change- I will.
Please respond if you need to talk. Hang in there. As cliche as it sounds, there are MANY fish in the sea....we BOTH need to remember that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): Hi! I recently broke up with my married boyfriend. It has been almost 3 months. I know that seems short but that is almost 90 days I have woken up everday and made it through the whole day without contacting him. I met my mb through work. I was 20 when I started working for his company. I didn't have a pot to piss in and he was my boss. I had just gotten out of a very bad relationship and was at an all time low. He gave me attention I hadn't got in years. We started off as friends. He was 34 (much older than me). I turned to him for advice when I needed it. I trusted him. We became very intiment. He too said I was his soulmate. Of course I thought he was full of shit. If I was then why wasn't he with me. Oh of course, his kids, he just couldn't do it to the kids. To make a long story short. He left his wife for 2 weeks after she caught us. During that time, I believed every lie he said about us now getting to be together. When he went back, it was unbearable for me to work for him so I quit. We still continued to see each other. I am now 24. I moved out of state 6 months ago. It's only a three hour difference so we tried to stay together. My breaking point was when he called me up to say he was going to be deployed with in the states for a year (he is also in the reserves) and asked if I would move in with him during that year. I was extatic and then 5 min later, realized the damage that would cause. I told him I don't think I could handle waking up with him for 365 days just to have him return back to his wife. I told him how devestating that would be. His exact words were, " ok I just thought it would be fun". That was an Ahaa moment for me. I ended up breaking things off when I had a brush with cancer. It made me realize how short life was and how much time I had wasted "waiting" for something that would never happen. I have been great until 1 week ago. I have cried everyday. I can't sleep. I am completely devestated. I know it will get better. I am already happier, it just sucks having to swallow the truth. He NEVER cared for me like I believed. IF he did, he would have left to keep me. The longer you take to leave this man the harder it will be to get over him, but you can do it. Believe in yourself.
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reader, wisey +, writes (30 December 2007):
For all the women out there that is having an affair with a married man - WHY. If you hurting what do you think this wife is going thought, let alone the children. I found out my husband was having an affair after 11 years of being married. The hurt and pain he and her has caused at time has been unbearable. The sad thing is he loves me and loves her so I've walked away and hope to find love again - with a single man. I know the pain of someone cheating on me and would NEVER go with a married man. You woman out there should be ashamed - remember want goes around comes around. A very hurt wife.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007): A few get this, and a few do not. You have such good advice here from so many of us that have been through this, but you and only you will someday make the right decision, don't expect him to make the move because he has the best of both worlds. Don't believe that he will leave, rarely they do, and then when you are with him and you turn around and he will be looking for someone else, will you ever trust him? Read some of these true stories that are on this forum, if you have to read them over and over again, until you realize and say Hey! wait a minute they are telling me the truth, and I do deserve the best, the best to be number one, not number two, of course if you like to share in which you are, and are perfectly content with the situation stay, time has away of getting pass us, you will turn around and you will be older and he will be with his wife, and you will be second and he will never be truly yours.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): i believe you waste u time u need to change you job leave him he is going to destroy your life
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reader, rcn +, writes (13 December 2007):
 To the minister student. You're placing blame on God and the world for this happening. I've overcome some big obstacles in my time as well. I haven't given up on God and never will. One area I noticed relating to the bible, and the counseling I have done in dealing with traumatic style pain is forgiveness. I've dealt with people who've been raped, molested, abused, etc. It's amazing when someone who's experienced a huge amount of trauma finds it in their heart to forgive, not because the person deserves the forgiveness, but so the one who's hurt can move on and live. I've seen many times where after they forgive the wrong doer all the pain they carried, no matter how long they had it, disappears. It's really true where the bible states numerous times that "forgiveness is divine." Remember, obstacles make us stronger people. I'm praying for strength for my 13 year old nephew. His cousin 5 months old, who he adored and loved more than life its self passed away a couple of days ago. Their still trying to figure out what the cause of death was. Looking at what he has to deal with and what he's facing makes my problems look light.
This past weekend, at church, a beautiful song was played that a local 11 year old girl recorded. She was diagnosed with bone cancer. After surgery, she went into remission, then a few months ago she found that her cancer came back, but in the form of a rare but fast acting leukimia. The doctors say she has only weeks left here. She watched a relative go through treatment for a similar cancer and decided after that experience to deny treatment. She was baptized last week, and the amazing part of this girls position is she's not angry, or worried. During the baptism she spent her time in prayer and praising God.
when obstacles confront us, it's not the substance of the obstacle that's important, it's how and what we do to overcome it. Life quite often is not easy. It's not suppose to be. I look back on my life quite often and match events that if they wouldn't have taken place, I wouldn't be where I am now. Some hurt real bad, but I'm now grateful for the experience and the higher level of personal strength achieved by having that experience.
Take care and I wish you the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): Man, I don't know what to think of this God-forsaken world. I am a seminary student. I waited for 5-6 years for "the one"-and I'm a fit attractive (though little balding) guy. I met a girl and got all close, became "best friends" and all that mean was her telling me about screwing all these other guys and then gets mad at me cause it's driving me insane. That was my "reward from the Lord" waiting and doing what's right and getting SCREWED for it. It's been 3 years since then and it still hurts like it was yesterday. We never even slept together. But for some reason it just hurts, day after day, month after month, year after year. It never goes away. God it hurts enought to like to kill me sometimes. And no amount of prayin or talkin or drinkin or anything makes it go away. Time doesn't make it go away. I stopped really believing God about stuff, and can't love anyone anymore. The stuff hurts so much it makes me sick. How can i even try and be a minister when I don't even believe in most of the stuff anymore? I think about her all the time, but she just thinks I'm psycho and obsessed. I hate this fuckin world. This horrible, evil, cruel fucking world. I can't live with this pain all me life. Every day eating and gnawing at me, never going away. Now I'm just a bitter person,and my heart RAGES agains love and faith and life. Why did this happen to me? I just want to go home...
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): Ladies, what is your problem that you will settle for less. Come on! You are all smarter then that and so what if you are alone, You are all alone anyway, he is not with you he is still with his wife and don't believe that baloney that I can't leave my wife because of the kids, because she has been a faithful servant, don't want to hurt her, blah! blah! blah! but it is okay to hurt you, wise up all of you, I was with my mm for 5 months and I knew it was wrong from the very beginning but he knew what to say and I fell in the trap, For heaven sakes leave the man, Will he be with you on the holidays? Or do you have to share time, or maybe to keep his family contents he will not see you at all, as I said before you are alone anyway. It does hurt it hurts a lot, but I promise you will survive, I did what I knew was best Now, I reflect at of these 5 months that I was with him, I feel stupid for letting him take advantage of me, and even more stupid because I let him, but you see I am the winner , it is better to dump him instead of him dumping you. You can do this for your own sake, You will never be happy you will never trust him because if you keep together with him and he leave to go to work and anywhere else that you are with him you will be wondering if he has found someone else because he has gotten tired of you, just like he has gotten tired of his wife. Be smart move on you are worth it, and I promise you will survive.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2007): honey i am in the same boat you are in. we work together and are in a romantic relationship. i had gotten to the point to where i was ready to leave and he started the pity party and i felt like i was stuck! i love this man more than anything and have given up so much for him. but i feel so alone even thought we are together. he tells me he loves me and that we will eventully be together but then he says he's not ready to leave his wife, i just don't know how much more i can take!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2007): Care for him i know he cannot leave without you. Its all god wish no one can come out of this. Pray for him and enjoy rest of your life with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): i am a 37 year old executive, and i have always wanted to have children, or at least 1 child. i was ready to give up the dream, because i felt i had met the man of my dreams, and i could be a stepmother, etc. he made it very clear to me, he would not leave the children for another 10yrs due to the young age of the children. so what am i doing? he then sends me emails about how he is going thru the process and maybe he would change his life for me. i am so confused, and it's still is early enough where although i love him, i think i can walk away with some dignity.
If you believe you can walk away, walk away! It will be hard and difficult but do it. Men can be trusted based on their actions, not their words. You can't build a life on maybe. If you want children, giving that up for him will only leave you angry.
I say this from first hand knowledge. 8 years ago I fell in love with a married man. He was and is the love of my life. When we got together we went through all the logical reasons as to why this was a bad idea. We went forward anyway. I was certain we would crash and burn because passion can only be sustained for so long. I was wrong and 8 years and a ton of water under the proverbial bridge later I still love him as much as those early months. I sadly don't regret our affair even though every moment we shared was stolen. I did not expect to love him and more surprisingly I did not expect him to love me back. Ironically when I realized he actually loved me too was the moment I knew I had to let him go. I believe it is possible to love two people and I know he loves me and his wife, in different ways, but its definitely love on both ends. I however am the one with bad timing. I have chosen to remain his friend and it is the most difficult friendship of my life, worth the challenge because the rewards of his honesty, candor and good counsel outweigh the emotions involved. Yes, my emotions want more but I know where we are now is what is best. He was never going to leave his family and I knew that day one. I fell in love with him even with that knowledge. I have gone on to have a child on my own, because being a parent was the most important thing in the world to me (I'm 35). We don't chose who we love, but love doesn't always conquer all. For me I never let myself imagine building my happiness with this man, because it meant a lot of innocent people got hurt for me to be happy, including his children. A cost I was not willing to pay and now that I am a parent, I feel that even more strongly. When you love a married man the trade off is expectation. You can not expect anything of him and that is a tough sell as a woman. I will say this for me, he is the most consistent man I know. He never said anything to me he didn't mean and/or follow through on. He is a man of his word and I have yet to find that another man, in spite of much dating in the 8 years since we met. I know loving him is simply a part of who I am. I have accepted that and reconciled my heart to the reality that loving him doesn't mean happily ever after. However, I am confidant if I never find someone to share my life with, the love I have shared with him is more than some people feel in a lifetime. Doesn't keep me warm at night, but it does affirm my choices.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): currently i am in love with a mm. i was always the person who said i could never be with a married man, when suddenly on a plane, he was there, so handsome, older, sophisticated, and incredibly warm. there were several circumstances that occurred where we were thrown together, and inevitably, one thing lead to another, and we broke every rule and guideline we set to avoid disaster. this past weekend we went to ny and had the most spectacular time, and pledged our love to each other. he tells me i am his dream, love his life etc but could never hurt his children. he has 4 children under the age of 12 at home, and 2 older kids from a previous marriage (6 total). i am a 37 year old executive, and i have always wanted to have children, or at least 1 child. i was ready to give up the dream, because i felt i had met the man of my dreams, and i could be a stepmother, etc. he made it very clear to me, he would not leave the children for another 10yrs due to the young age of the children. so what am i doing? he then sends me emails about how he is going thru the process and maybe he would change his life for me. i am so confused, and it's still is early enough where although i love him, i think i can walk away with some dignity. its so difficult, i dont feel comfortable sharing this with my friends and family which makes it a very difficult situation. i cannot believe i allowed this to happen. its especially hard because i've dated many men, and never felt such a perfect fit. we tell eachother we are soulmates.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007): Well possibly to top it off...I live with the married man...ie he's kinda family. I did not plan it, it was more his initiation. He turned me on so badly and we had sex. His wife works overseas but he goes to see her every chance he gets and she comes over to see him. I have slept with him for only one month but already I feel shattered. I'm so stupid...he talks to her everyday.She came over recently and I tormented myself with her presence. I felt sad,jealous, angry at myself,stupid, you name it. But you what! When she left I still slept with him...I mean how gullible can I get..He told me things like he realised how very nice I was and if things were different I would deffinitly be his girlfriend. And I think I liked hearing these things. I was in a previous relationship where I wasn't getting the attention I deserved, so I ended it. And then came him. The funny thing is I am 23 and he is 52 but youthful and handsome. I live with him so I can not escape to get over him. What is wrong with me...it cant be love...can it?...At the moment he has flew out to visit her and I tried not to think about it before but now I am thinking about it. She is coming over for christmas. I cant stand being in the same house with him and his happy family. They have been married for 18 years with 2 grown sons. I dont know how I ended up in that sort of situation. It was something that I never dreamed of doing. I have vowed not to sleep with him anymore because he is just looking for excitement but it shatters me inside. I just want someone to love me and care about me. I have so much to give but unfortunately I have fallen into the wrong trap. It will take me awhile because we live in the same house but I will get over it. I am happy though that there are real people on this forum that would understand how I feel and I am very grateful for that. I say ladies we will be fine.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007): I just wanted to thank everyone for sharing their stories. It's sad and funny both that life can be so complicated. Three years ago, I would have been one of the women that is here warning everyone else not to be a "homewrecker", because I know what it is like to be the one cheated on. But then it happens to you and you realize life is not so cut and dry. Sometimes your heart betrays you no matter how hard or how long you fight against it.I've been "friends" with my MM for two years now. I see echoes of our story here in many of the other women's stories - the repeated references to being just "good friends", me putting my heart on the table to his silence - me running to escape the situation, and him running after, pulling me closer and closer. I can only assume at this point he is waiting for me to make the first move and that isn't going to happen. I know that this can only end badly, fool myself that I'm not already in too deep. But can only try to find something resembling a right path in all this.Understand feeling the deep pull, longings - feeling connected in a way that I hadn't before, feeling like I found my soulmate but the timing is tragically off. I wonder sometimes how real that is, or if the fact that I can't have him makes it all the more dramatic and puts more tension in. Plus, we only see them on their best behavior, really. We don't see the person who goes home and snipes at the family, complains about doing the chores, and so on. We get the perpetual suitor and that makes them all the more wonderful.It helps though, to read the similarities here. I often wonder if I'm crazy, with so much left unsaid between him and I, am I misreading the signs. I really do wish you all the best of luck and that you find happiness. I know that it will be challenging for us to find it in this crazy, sad, thrilling, wonderful, and ultimately lonely situation we are all in.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007): Well ladies, I am pretty much over my married man it has now been 6 months. I still think of him but now only in passing. You can do it, the longer you wait to break up with him you are just avoiding the pain and suffering that regardless you will have to deal with eventually. Hang tough! I did, and I feel 100% better, I would rather be by myself then be with a loser like him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2007): I have been involved with a married man for over a year and half. We both work in the same office. We started out as friends. We had a flirtatious fun relationship in the beginning. He pursued me until we became intimate. I do not blame just him because I could have stopped his advances. At that time I was going through marital problems of my own...my husband was having an affair but has since left the house. My mm told me from the very beginning he would never leave his wife or his family. My question ..am I that starved for love that I would sacrifice my own dignity and self respect to be with a man who gives me so little? I know that I deserve better. I am a very attractive and intelligent woman who has so much to offer a man...why do I do this to myself?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2007): My mm is my professor. The first day I was in his class he had his eye on me, I checked out his hair, his butt, then I saw the ring on his finger. What a turn off!!! At the end of class, the first day. I couldn't get out of that room fast enough, but my book kept n falling out of my back pack (I had too many books and I put this book in horizionally on top of the verticle books). I lost my job last year, (I worked 26 years for the same company, and I only have a high school diplomia). I was awareded the house in my divorce 3 1/2 years ago and i never made the split from my exhusband, we still live together, because of the lack of money. (kids-day care) I promised him I would share the equity money in our house and he still wants to be with me. I never looked at another man while I was married to him, eventhough I was the only one working. Then I went to jail (I was booked and released within 2hours) because he was growing marijuana. I had never been in trouble in my life! I was SO pissed, that I started looking at other men, then filed for divorce shotly after. I found out last week that my mm's wife is very close to becoming a doctor. The teacher started it, but I feel - weak. stupid and hurt (passionated feelings alternating of hate and love)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2007): I guess i am just here to vent it has been a month since i broke it off with my married man. boy do i miss him, We knew each other in high school and i had my chance our senior year but he was leaving going to the navy and i didnt want him to wonder about me back home and me him so i keep my feeling to myself and never told him what a big mistake that was because he said he felt the same.I keep up with him for a little while when he was in the navy i got married to someone else and stayed that way because of my children ,I had not seen him since we graduated until 8 months ago when he hotlist me on a site and i knew it was him,i contacted him first and ask him was there any girl in high school he would have loved to have went out with but did not get the chance,i told him it was me,and things got serious i was just planing on me and him staying friends and haveing sex but i fell in love with him he was the most loving caring man i have ever been with he had a wreck a littl over a month ago and i got to thinking what if i lost him how would i cope,my love for him just deepened until i knew i had to break it off because what was he going to give me few days a month, i wanted him and he was not going to give me that he couldnt give me all of himself i got what was left after his wife got the best of him,i wanted him to be there for me when i needed him to give me one of those great hugs and say you will be fine to kiss me and make all my worries go away,i know that his wife comes first and i counted for nothing so it was time for me to break my own heart i told him i loved him and i always will and i can never show him how much i truly was in love with him to show him how a wife shows her husband every day that he is her one and only,he could have never gave me that it would have been me and him meeting and my heart aching for him to stay, i still love him and always will so you women stay strong
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): No matter how much the MM says he loves you, I think it's a big, fat lie.
How is it possible for a man to love another woman while he is having sex with someone else?
A MM can emotionally detach himself so easily despite physical intimacy, while the woman gets even more emotionally attached from it. Right the next day, he can act completely distant, despite what the woman perceived to be a strong emotinal connection from physical intimacy. It is devastating.
Love must be manifested in actions. Talk is cheap and meaningless. If a man has never had to do anything for you or take action to be with you to show his love, how is it love? It's not.
MMen use the "other woman" as an occasional escape from their routine life...and that is about it.
It is maddening to know that you have let yourself be used for his benefit, while in the end, getting nothing from him but pain and misery.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): Ladies, ladies, ladies - if you are going to mess with a married man (by definition, another woman's man!) - then don't whine when you get hurt. If the man would do what he's doing with you despite being married - then he will do the same with another woman in the future... life is not a fairy tale....
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007): Thanks for what you wrote. I am so glad there is someone who understands me and my feelings. As for your views on Gods plan I think you are right. He will do whats best for us and my mm not coming to me was probably good and me meeting my husband probably the best. But the problem is that though i think i dont love mm anymore and i dont want to be with him, I often think of him, I wait for his call and do things to invoke a reaction from him and things of this kind. I know it is wrong. But i dont understand my own feelings of what i want and why i am behaving as such. I want to hear from him that he misses me and that he wishes we'd someday be together. I dont know why i want to hear that. Maybe that would be my revenge for all the pain and agony he gave me. But i also know none of this will happen. All i need to do is erase him from my mind and become indifferent towards him, but everytime i do that it works for few days and then i'm back to where i started. I dont know what to do. How do i be STRONG? My mind and heart are in constant conflict.I have tried everything to distract myself and get my mind off the mm. I keep telling myself again and again that this should end, but i'm scared. Something in me isn't letting go. Please say something to boost my confidence.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007): I really relate to your feeling that you loved your mm more than anything and at the same time, you know he is an awful person. I went through the same thing. How could I love someone so much who could be so rotten to me? I know right now you feel like lashing out but take your own advice. You know it won't help. Be strong. This feeling will pass. Believe it or not. It did for me. Don't tell his wife. You won't hurt him when you see they stay together. You'll just always remember that you interfered in their marriage. STAY STRONG. I too am having problems relating God's will to my hope for a better love. I am married too but would like a love similar to the love I had for my MM. I never had a love so strong especially with my own husband. I don't know God's plan. I don't know why He led me to my marriage and then brought the love of my life to me afterwards. But the Devil also is around. We must believe God only wants the best for us, like a father. He may deny us something we want but he knows it is for the best even if we are in pain and don't understand. Be strong and pray every time you're in pain. God will bring you through. God loves you more than your mm, that's for sure.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007): hey girl.........I SO feel your pain & I am in the same boat for sure,,,,moved back home after a divorce & started a new job ,met a guy that was SO there for me through the divorce,sincerely and one thing led to another and we fell in love ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,BUT it has been 4 years and he has still not left an no progress on US being together
he does have a little girl ( I have no kids) so Im sure its harder to leave,,,,,,,,,,,,,and says the main reason is finances,,,,wants to make sure he can walk away with keeping his wife & daughter in their hh,etc
just has not worked out and Im SO SO SO tired of being alone & here it is another Holiday season I go solo, once again
and my family would not accept he situation ,,,,,,,SO
I have to lie and I hate it,,any advice for me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2007): I visited this site afetr a real long time today. Memories have got the better of me today. I was involved with a mm too. I was single then. He took advantge of my vulnerability and to beat his lonliness since his wife wasn't around he had 'fun' with me. Then i thought he loved me, his tears were my weakness, his smile my strength. I loved him with all i had. I let myself be used, I have no one to blame. He told me from the very beginning of our encounter that he wouldnt do anything to hurt his wife, he loved her too. I have no one to blame but myself, myself because i let myself fall so badly in love with him. Whilst all this i met someone and got married with a hope that i would forget this mm. I never wanted to hate him because i loved him more than i loved myself. After i got married i never cheated on my husband. My husband was the best thing that could have happened to me. He loves me like crazy. But i meet this mm very often. We have common friends who keep me informed of his happenings.Initially i thought we could be friends, but then i realised he gave me way too much pain. He avoided me, he neglected me, he was never there for me when i was happy or sad. When i meet him he gives me no attention. WHy because his wife is around. Now when i meet him we hardly talk or communicate.He also tried persuing me and tried making conversations, but now he doesnt try doing that either. I dont know whether i miss him. When my husband is around, i dont miss him, but when my husband is away, I promptly think of him. I'm not attracted to him anymore nor do i wish to be with him, because he is a bad person, he cannot be honest. I think now its hatred and revenge. I want to see him punished. I want to see him alone and lonely. I want him to come plead me of forgiveness. I want to see him in pain, all the pain i went through when he avoided me, when he was with me and his wife called and left everything including me to answer her call. When he planned a holiday with her nad told me that she forced him into it. and God doesnt help. I begged god then that this mm be mine, God did not do anything. Then i begged god to get him off my mind, that too God did not do. I dont know what to do. I have stopped concentrating on my work also because i keep thinking of all this crap. Its sadistic but i dont wanna see his smile anymore. I want to pick up the phone and blast him. i want to tell him what a horrible man and human being he is. I wanna tell him that I hate him. But all this wnt help. He'll just get some pleasure out of it. I feel suffocated. I feel like telling his wife all abt his activities and getting her to make his life miserable. What do i do? Someone please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2007): My Married man also came at the right time, I knew in my heart that it was wrong but I just got sucked into it. I told him to hit the road, months ago, even though he said that he cared and loved me and that when all his stuff was in order he would be back, he has been doing me a favor by not coming back. Keep in mind that God is a forgiving God and I do believe that God has forgiven me for all of this mess I got myself into, and I believe he was very proud of me when I told mm to hit the road.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2007): Thank you for your excellent advise. You're right if he really cared for me I don't think he would have left me to go back to her. I am beginning to see him more clearly after reading from this site about the situations of others. I am ready to move forward, he may cry and beg me not to do this (he has done this so many times before) but, it is time. I will NEVER EVER get involved with a married man again! I now know that he came along at the right time, ever single guy that I had dated before him started out to be nice but became just guys looking for one thing (after refusing to sleep with all of them, they usually dump me, and I am pretty nice lookin")! This man was SO very different he was kind, nice, not pushy regarding physical involvement, very smart, handsome and believe it or not a very spiritual person. Did all the right stuff flowers, cards, nice dinners out, picnics, went to church with me (yes, he is a religious man, I know, I know he has committed adultry), cooked for me, supported me in any and all endeavors, helped me through some bad times. If he wasn't married he absolutely would be THE ONE but, I know now that I just have to find somebody with all of his great characteristics that is not married. We just get along great in every way, except that he is married. I have to admit though that I have thought that if he is doing this to a woman he still cares and loves (his wife) if he did leave her for me, would he eventually cheat on me too? Probably. Time to move on, yes, I will greve for him, I do love him afterall but, I think this is the best for me. I just want to say that I feel that I was very vulnerable to him as this was my first serious relationship in 5 years after divorce. Did I know it was wrong? Yes, but, I have learned alot. My trust in men now is very low, seems like they see an attractive woman and just date you until you refuse sleep with them. Alot of my single friends have the same problem, after several dates then you are dumped. I hate to say this but, it is true, "Where are all the good men"? I feel very bad that I believed in this man, and fell very much in love with him. He used me. I pray that God forgives me, once again I will NEVER do this again!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2007): To the response of November 1 asking for advice, I will give you some. You won't want to hear it. I think you know it deep inside but can't face it. He's lying to you. Why would he stay with her because he's worried about friends and family? What is he a martyr? NO. He's a selfish man who wants to have his cake and eat it too. If he's as great as you say he is, he could have easily found a woman he really wanted to marry when he was ready and not settle because he was getting older. I think he did marry the woman he really wanted. That's why he went back to her. He missed her. To you, she is a doormat. To him, she's the woman he married who loves him so much that even if he openly fools around on him, she won't leave him. He knows this and loves this about her. You think they don't have sex? Got any proof besides what he says. I think it's another lie. Why would he want to leave her for you when you will not accept if he fooled around on you? The way it is now, he has her and you. If he left her, he'd only have you. He's having fun with you as a playmate. He's with her because he wants to be, not for any heroic reason. He's using you. Do yourself a favour. Go through the pain of leaving him so you can find that someone who loves you so much they would never leave you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): Here is my take on this situation. I have been involved with a married man for 2 years. He left his wife and moved in with me for six months, only to have him go back to her because he felt guilty. He also says she is very dependant on him, i.e. he pays all the bills, cooks all the meals, does the laundry, and cleans the house. She works a full time job but, seems like this is all she does. Also, there has been no intimacy between them for 7 years of their 8 year marriage because she fears pregnancy and dislikes children. I accidentally met her once (she did not know who I was and at the time I did not know her either) at a function, she was the most boring and dull person, had no opinions and a depressed outlook, has a minimal education, very non attractive, just a very plain looking woman, no makeup or hairstyle. A typical door mat personality, I say this because she knows that her husband is having an affair with me and he even tells her where he is going and she says it is OK!!! What kind of woman acts like this? We are so opposite it is unbelieveable. I still have a hard time believing that this very charasmatic, attractive, outgoing, hard working man is married to this woman. He tells me that he does not love her, that he loves me but, that he fears that his grown children and friends will disassociate and disown him if he tells them of me. Recently they went on a vacation together to see mutual friends. He came back and I told him to go pack his things and he began to cry saying not to give up on him and us that he loves me. However, I am getting to the point where I think he is just using any excuse to string me along. Why doesn't this man just get a divorce? Has anybody heard of a woman who knows about the other woman and doesn't care? If I hadn't of met her once I wouldn't have believed how passive she is but, now I can see that she will let him do as he wishes cause she is such a doormat and can not speak up for herself. He recently told me that he married her because he was getting older and didn't want to be alone, had known her for 10 years as a friend and then they got married. He said there has never really been any great physical passion between them, they both have seperate bedrooms, get up at different times in the morning etc. Seems like a very sad life but, yet he can't seem to break the ties. What gives here? Advice please!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): Here is my take on this situation. I have been involved with a married man for 2 years. He left his wife and moved in with me for six months, only to have him go back to her because he felt guilty. He also says she is very dependant on him, i.e. he pays all the bills, cooks all the meals, does the laundry, and cleans the house. She works a full time job but, seems like this is all she does. Also, there has been no intimacy between them for 7 years of their 8 year marriage because she fears pregnancy and dislikes children. I accidentally met her once (she did not know who I was and at the time I did not know her either) at a function, she was the most boring and dull person, had no opinions and a depressed outlook, has a minimal education, very non attractive, just a very plain looking woman, no makeup or hairstyle. A typical door mat personality, I say this because she knows that her husband is having an affair with me and he even tells her where he is going and she says it is OK!!! What kind of woman acts like this? We are so opposite it is unbelieveable. I still have a hard time believing that this very charasmatic, attractive, outgoing, hard working man is married to this woman. He tells me that he does not love her, that he loves me but, that he fears that his grown children and friends will disassociate and disown him if he tells them of me. Recently they went on a vacation together to see mutual friends. He came back and I told him to go pack his things and he began to cry saying not to give up on him and us that he loves me. However, I am getting to the point where I think he is just using any excuse to string me along. Why doesn't this man just get a divorce? Has anybody heard of a woman who knows about the other woman and doesn't care? If I hadn't of met her once I wouldn't have believed how passive she is but, now I can see that she will let him do as he wishes cause she is such a doormat and can not speak up for herself. He recently told me that he married her because he was getting older and didn't want to be alone, had known her for 10 years as a friend and then they got married. He said there has never really been any great physical passion between them, they both have seperate bedrooms, get up at different times in the morning etc. Seems like a very sad life but, yet he can't seem to break the ties. What gives here? Advice please!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): I met this guy 3 years ago. He claimed he immediately feel in love with me when he saw me. It took me one year of friendship with him to finally start off a relationship. 10 months ago I was doing a search on the internet and decided to pull up his name and what I saw was enough to give me a heartattack. He was married with two kids. And not only that, but after confronting him I found out that our relationship started out when his wife was just 1 month pregnant. We always thought we were soul mates. Like a foul I always suspected something else was going in life that I didnt know about, but I stayed with him because I had no proof and because he always blamed it on work. He always made it seems like he had to work overtime or that his second job needed him to put in more hours. I never wanted to be with a MM and that was the first question I asked him when we met. He sweared that he wasnt married. Now Im finding out that not only he is married but that he have twins. I wanted to die so many times. I keep telling myself that I did not deliberately go for this yet still as stupid as some of us women are I stayed with him and continued to listen to his lies and rationalization for his every action. It's now 9 months now since I found out and he still havent gotten a divorce like he claimed he would. The divorce papers aren't even served to his wife as yet and every time we cant be together his excuse is that it's always because of the kids. He said he cant live with me because he have to be there for the kids because they wake up at nights and I just keep teeling myself "how much more stupid can you be; You're 31 yrs old, beautiful, a former local model, you have a college degree, a great apt. and great job to take care of yourself, then why are you with this loser?" I keep asking myself that question over and over again. And I realize that I was settling for far less than I was worth and that even if this loser told me that he loved me a million times, why should I believe him, when he never showed or gave me the love that I deserve. I recently felt strong enough to tell him that it was over though I had said so many times before and still kept accepting him back when he pleaded and cried. Now I believe it's different.. reading all your experiences have given me the strength to stick to my decision and my thought is that, if he loves then he'll get divorced and be available to me and if it doesnt happen then it was never meant to be. In the mean time, I'm moving on with my life, dating other people and smiling once more. All it takes is courage and strength to make that move and stick to it. If you think you dont have what it takes, then love yourself some more to not settle for less and ask the higher power for extra strength to move in the right direction.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007): Well Ladies, I did it. It has been 5 months since I have talked to my married man. I dated him for 5 months. At the beginning it was so hard, I just wanted to pick up the phone or e-mail him, but I knew if I did, it would be a mistake and the steps that I had taken forward would of been for nothing. Now, I am not saying that I don't still miss him and think of him , I still do but not as often as before. You can do this, and it does it hurt because they go on with there lives like nothing while we are left with hurt and anger, but you will be the better person for this. This forum Dear Cupid has got me through a lot to see that I was not the only one, there are so many of us, but us that have given the married men the boot are a better person because you see we can move on with our lives and they can not they are stuck in a rut, by there choice, they would rather lie and cheat on there wives then to be a man and face reality what does that say about them. Remember everything we do is by a choice. You will be the better person when you wlak away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): Ladies-
I stumbled across this website looking for revenge on my married lover. I have been with him for over 12 years, the first time he was divorced then he reconciled with his ex wife and remarried her....without telling me, I had to find out from his realtor. 6 months after the 2nd marriage he came back to me and I took him back and have been with him for the last 10 years. Yes it was convenient, yes it was great sex blah blah blah. We entered a business arrangement with a relative and long story short he has screwed both of us and well he is in big trouble now.
Anyway enough about me, reading your responses I felt the need to say something because believe me I feel your pain, "love" and happiness when you are with these men, but I have had to look deep inside myself to see why I would settle for someone that isn't mine. I always felt that I was missing something, I was needed by this a-hole, I had something to share, give, whatever. Ladies, I ask you to stop what you are doing and go to the nearest library, Barnes and Noble or anywhere books are sold and get yourself a copy of Co-dependency No More by Melanie Beattie. Research Co-dependency on the internet and answer the questions to see if you are co-dependent. Co-dependency has more to do with "every" aspect of your life, not just addictions as most people think. I would believe that some of you out there will see yourselves and and hopefully find the answers as to why you have done the things you have over your lives, like I did. My therapist say she is the best author out there and has a great series that should be read. I am only on chapter 4 and the difference in my own personal self is frighteningly amazing to the me. I have battled most of my life as to why I feel this way and think about my life and upbringing and there were so many puzzle pieces to put together.
With this last incident with my "man" and he now all of a sudden has quit taking my calls and is ignoring, I decided I can't live like this anymore, it is not fair to me and it is not fair to anyone around me. For those of you trying to get over the break up, wondering why he won't commit, waiting for the divorce, or just involved with a married man, this is a must read and I hope all of you realize the damage you are doing to yourselves and that you are worth so much more. You are beautiful and don't deserve to be used for someone elses needs, start taking control of your needs and you may be surprised how well you feel. Good luck to you all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2007): How do I begin? I am writing here because I relate to all of you. I also am in love with a mm. However, from what I've read, my situation is a little different. Reading alot of the posts was a real eye-opener. I thought was in a pretty unique situation. Now, I don't feel so isolated. In thanks for sharing your intimate feelings and giving me a new strength, I want to tell my story in case it helps another reader.
I am married. I got married 10-years-ago to a man I loved. It was not the head-over-heels, melt your knees, kind of love but there was something there. Unfortunately, we, neither of us, knew he was sick. From the beginning, even in the honeymoon (which was my first shock), he was not interested in being intimate. He tried but didn't look for it. Our marriage after was the same thing. He never looked to touch me or be with me. We were intimate about 10 times the first year. I didn't leave him because I loved him, I believe strongly in my marriage vows, and I kept hoping it would get better. 10 years and 2 kids later, we now know he is very sick. He's seen the best doctors in the world. No one can diagnose it but he is in pain everyday. This has taken a toll on me. Going to work started to be my release. I've worked there for 12 years and have become popular. Everyone is happy to see me.
I started having a new friend in the payroll guy. I thought he was about 13 years younger than me. Turns out he's 6 years younger. One day, he was standing at my desk and he said something that got emotions running in me I forgot I have. He didn't know what he'd done. It was a normal conversation. He wasn't hitting on me. He's married with 2 kids, handsome, and also popular in the office because he's always smiling and very friendly. After I fell for him in that split second, my life in hell began. I couldn't believe I could betray my husband. I knew I wasn't happy with our marriage but I hadn't realized I'd fallen out of love with him. Plus we have the kids. This mm I fell in love with is younger and handsome. In my stupid naive thoughts, I believed the only way I could get over him is if we stop being friends. I thought if he knew this fat, middle-aged woman liked him, he'd give me the cold shoulder. That would give me the space I needed to get over him. Turns out I was wrong.
When I told him my feelings, over time, he started to show feelings for me, running to meet me wherever I went in the office. I confided in a girlfriend who helped me pull away from him. He never gave up. He made it a routine to come around my desk everyday at about 4 p.m. If he didn't talk to me, he'd talk loudly to someone close by so I could hear him. If he was leaving early, he'd tell someone around me, loudly, as if I needed to know. As if we were connected somehow. I never went out with him or touched him but feelings ran strong both ways. I was always running from him. He never let me go emotionally. It was the hardest thing in my life to pull away. I hadn't realized how connected we were. He could just shut a door or rattle his keys and I'd go running to him. When I started trying to ignore it, I realized how emotionally invested we both were. I feel like I gave up part of my soul. The pain I felt was so real, it was physical. My chest ached all the time. When he'd come by, I'd be soaring. He made me so happy. The world looked like it did when I was a child. Everything looked beautiful. I felt beautiful. But I knew it was wrong. Even still I wanted to be with him.
Two things that kept me strong. One was that he never would talk about our feelings. I'd put it all out there and he wouldn't say a word. Like I said, I'm naive. It took my girlfriend to tell me that he wanted me to make the move and then he'd blame it all on me. But he ran after me for so long and showed so much anger and hurt himself that even my girlfriend wondered why he never said anything. She saw it all. She sat at the desk next to me.
The other thing that kept me from running to him was I knew I deserve to be #1. If he loved me like I loved him, he'd want me to be #1. I would have given up everything for him. Why couldn't he say something? How could he have all this emotion and not want to give up everything to be with me?
I'll never know. He left for a better job and it's been a month. He said he'd keep in touch but I knew he was lying. Like some of you, I'm left with all the pain. I didn't ask him to run after me everyday. I had to turn him down so many times. Sometimes he'd follow me after work in his car but I'd ignore him. What did he think I was? With nothing said, did he seriously think I'd invite him home to bed? With all this love for him and not get treated with respect? And get no commitment? I would have been really crushed if I went to bed with him and he turned on me after. I knew that. So I waited and hoped that he would break down and say something...that he wanted to be with me...something...anything....
Anyway, here I am, like I thought, going to work where all the memories are. He put it behind him. I have to live with it. And my sick husband. For all you single girls, be glad that if you leave you mm, you can hope for a true love. What can I hope for? I'm married. Even if I met another true love, it would be wrong. I'd still have to turn my back on him. That was the most painful thing I've ever done in my life. And what do I get for it? A loveless marriage and 2 whiny kids. Heaven help me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007): Married men love their lives and their wives more than their 'other women'. Period.
If a man wants to be with you and only you, he'd do something - ANYTHING - about it in order for him to have (or, at least try to have) what he claims he truly wants. We all do this. It's part of being human.
Married men who have affairs WANT to have affairs. They want their wives AND their mistresses, because they would change the situation if they didn't. Full stop.
Think of it this way: if a married man has the ability to say he loves you (is in love with you, is your 'soulmate', etc.), wants to be with you and only you, but isn't willing to do make a move towards actually doing that, then that's the value of the love he claims to have for you: not enough to do anything real about.
We all deserve better than that. If nothing else, something real-real.
You can't live long in the fantasies of those who are comfortable being cowards if you aren't one too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007): Think about yourself and your feelings not his. You are feeling so in love because you know you cannot have him, if he divorces his wife, soon you will learn that he's not such a great catch.
I found my long lost love after 14 years & he's married. Thanks God it was a long distance relationship by emails & pms only. He kept saying how much he still loves me, all the sweet words any woman longs to hear, my favorite: "don't ever imagine that you'll ever find another man in the world who will love you as much as I do" BS. but he was not ready to leave his wife (still no kids) saying that he was his wife's first love and he cannot break her heart. Can you believe that? I dont. I cannot believe that men are ready to live a life of lie, but not ready to leave that life & be with the love of their life.
He said he cannot divorce her, but he is ready to physically be with me any time I want, and I said thanks but, no thanks. For men it's all about sex, "soulmate" has meaning for us not for them.
So, dear, don't even bother yourself with thoughts of him anymore. Go live your life happily. Try to find another job, stay away from him. HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU, DON'T LISTEN TO HIM. The same with my guy, he never loved me and I try not to be sad about it, his loss!
Try this, imagine that he has divorced his wife and asked you to marry him. imagine him living with you in the same home. Try to count three good qualities about him that made you fall in love with him. I assure you you won't find them and you'll know it is lust not love.
Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2007): Yes well - I've been with a married man for 7 yrs and we have a 3 yr old child together. I recently found out that he has another girlfriend whom he's been seeing for 11 yrs as well. He continues to keep lying to me about it. Everything blew up in my face. His wife found out about us all. Now he keeps telling me take it one day at a time and I'm so confused. I love him, he tells me I'm the best. He doesn't know how to function in life without me but I will continue to survive. I have 2 children and need to function to make it for them. The past few days have been the worst in my life. I am going to leave it alone and get over him to find someone who can be here for me. All of us need to hold our heads up and get on with life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007): i know what you are going through. I honestly wish that I had an answer for you but if i did i wouldnt be going through all this pain myself. I just want you to know that you are not the only one and that there are so many of us that are going through this. its like we all know what to do, which is move on, know that we are better and hes not worth it etc. The biggest problem i have is getting him off of my mind. he is getting married in a couple days and we have been doing this for about 8 months now. same stuff like all of you he says i love you, i would put u in her place in a second, you mean everything to me. his excuse is that we are at different places in my life and i dont want to get married because i am still young..i am 24 he is 30. to me it just sounds like he wants the status of having a house and a wife and not be that guy at the bar looking for a girl. he said that he connects wtih me and all that bullsh!t, which of course i ate up. i have a boyfriend right now also and we are going through a rough time so i guess in the midst of our rough time i found this married guy to take my mind off of my boyfriend. only thing is it was supposed to be a quick fling and i can honestly now say that i love this guy. i dont even know why beacuse he is esentially a liar and a cheat. i work with him so getting him out of my mind is near impossible at this point otherwise i might have been over him already after some time. its almost like we are the same person and i dont want to sound corny and cliche but we just laugh at the dumbest things and get to act like idiots together. he told me that i bring the best out of him and that he hasnt been himself in a while. they arent even married yet and the excuse that he gives me is that so many ppl have put money into their wedding that he feels obligated. i feel cheap and cheated and dont know why he even cares what goes on wtih me at this point anymore. he always wants to know if i have been intimate with my boyfriend. when it ell him yes it causes the biggest issue known to mankind. i am a bit of a bitc_ when it comes to it because i tell him that im not retarted and that he is obviously going to sleep with her at some point in their pathetic marriage. its like i hate him so much for getting me to love him so much. i do know what i need to do and some days i am soo so strong and days like today i am reading a forum and crying my eyes out hysterically because all i want is for me and him to be happy and faithful and love eachother and be together. Then again thats just me dreaming. i dont doubt that he loves me i guess i just want to also learn to appear "cool" on the surface about it but its eating me up inside. its almost like i want to act in way that i want to hurt him the most. i dont know if pure silence would hurt him or make me look immature. if dating someone would btoher him. but then sometimes its like who cares waht he thinks. he is a scumbag and thats that. but why do i love him? why cant i be strong and just move on? how did i let myself get to this postion? you are not alone and i think to be quite honest that it was great that your guy broke it off for YOUR sake. i know that if my guy had it his way, we would still be hooking up and he would get maried and have his cake and eat it to because i guess he really doest care about me. i just believed him because i am young and naive i guess. a part of me thinks that he maybe was just infatuated with me while my feelings were love for him. i know that she cant be like me and taht i am a way better person with better qualities than her, but as someone recommended before, i need to look at her as a person and a woman rather than my obstacle. its going to be difficult but i cant look down at her anymore and i cant think about him but i honestly just dont know how i am going to do that when i work with him and see him everyday. i dont know much about anything i guess.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2007): it is terribly difficult, but you will be fine in time. it helps to have no contact at first...or maybe never. the hope is that you can preserve some sort of a friendship, but the problem is that once you start listening to his tale of woe about his love for you, you get sucked in all over again. i am speaking from experience. get out. don't indulge in thoughts of the good times. what about all the times you spent alone, in tears? you deserve a man who you can have all to yourself. and so do i.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): I think dating married men is easier. The one thing you need to avoid is falling in love, if they THINK you love them so be it but if it's a road you want to go down you mustn't. Even if they leave their wives you only get resented for it - trust me, it's a lose/lose situation. The best you can expect is some fun while it lasts then nothing.
Don't even go there with the 'I'm so in love' it's a waste of time. Go to www.illicitencounters.co.uk - see how many married men are on there moaning about their dead marriages. It's a joke.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2007): I am in the same situation that you are in. It is amazing how many women are out there that is going through the same thing we are. I also work with my MM, so it is not an option to stay away from him and let time heal my wounds. My MM loves his wife and family, but he refuses to give me up totally. He does want to stay friends. He claims that he loves me and that I am him best friend. As far as your problem with your MM is, he was the one to make the decision for you to move on with your life. I do believe that he loves you because he did tell you that. In this day and age, divorces are not hard to get, I am sure his religion forbids adultry also, yet he did commit adultry with you.
Girl, stop thinking about his feelings and problems. They are not yours. You have to focus on yourself so that you can move on and be with someone who puts you first. This part is hard, I know for a fact but if you keep the idea that he will never leave his wife for you in your head, it will get easier with time. I have been involved with 4 married men in the past, one of the affairs lasted 6 years. I am lving proof that life goes on after an affair ends. Focus on you, I know easier said than done, but cry, get the hurt out and with time you will move on. This guys life is still going to be the same, so of course he will want to hold onto you. You offer him everything that his wife doesn't. He is the one with the best of two worlds.....I am still crying today, and I miss my dates with my MM. He was my best friend for a while, probably my only friend. With time, I will move on, and even though he will still care about me, I won't care anymore. FYI, those other relationships that I had with married men that became friendships...well I don't even think of them as my friends, and rarely do I return their calls. I expect more from a friend than I do from a lover, so if they couldn't cut it as my lover, they sure in the heck can't cut it as my friend.....good luck and give it some time. If it becomes to unbearable, switch jobs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2007): I am in shock. My mm dissappeared. He signed up for Afganistan without letting me know at all, and I heard through the grapevise he has gone now.
Due to his child, he was not prepared to leave his loveless marriage, and we have seen each other for the last 2,5 years. We have had a very close relationship, but off course totally secretive. Yes, I have been stupid. I met and fell in love with my soulmate. Fist time ever, and last time ever with a married guy.
He is an military guy, and I expect his training had enabled him to wreck my defences, gain my trust. I think it is possible that everything was a lie - that he lied so convincingly and I never knew he's just having me. There he was telling me I'm THE one, I'm so special, etc.
I could understand perfectly well if he wanted to end it. He should just have said so. We used to talk about anything. Sure, it would have hurt, but at least I would not feel like I do now.
Basically I was so insignifficant that he could not even send me an sms te tell me he's leaving. All our mutual friends knew, his wife obviously knew as she's driving around in his BMW now - but it was just not important to let me know.
I am so badly hurt. I dont feel angry, just sickened and in pain. I am stupid, gullible, stupid.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2007): well, i think people has given the will to decide on what he/she wants with their lives. do you really think that when people meet, share ideas and thoughts and eventually fall in love, really have to tell each other that "I can't fall in love with you because I'm married". And just because they (men) are already married doesn't have the right to fall in love? If we feel thirsty, we need to drink, if we feel hungry, we eat. and if we feel like falling in love, does it mean we have to check if our hearts are allowed to love anybody? loving should be for free. but sometimes, falling in love with the "wrong" person, (or shall i really consider by saying it "wrong"?) is so tragic.
Society call it forbidden, but do our hearts have eyes? Do they need to label people like..ooops don't fall in love with this man coz he's already taken. but feelings are feelings and it doesn't follow norms. only society, people dictates us when to love - when not to love, whom to love and whom not to love... Isn't it crazy??? Can you really dictate your heart not to love somebody just because he's married? and what a poor heart if it really do fall in love with a married man? And she is an outcast to the society, people will say something like.."what's wrong with her?" why did she fall in love with a married guy?" Is there something wrong with her? NO!!!! is it wrong to love? Hell, that's the greatest and noblest act to feel and to do with man kind. Go LOVE! it doesn't stop there. The only thing that stops us from loving somebody (whether he or she's married or not) is the expectation that we should be loved in return. well, that's the ideal, but to love a married man is the most unconditional love a woman can do. Whether the married man reciprocates with your needs or not but the act of loving is sacred. and if the relationship never succeed, which is in most cases, one day, they will realize how lucky these men are, when they were loved by the "other woman" by such an unconditional love.
I am in the same situation and i know it is sad. we don't plan it, it just happen. and like i said, even i knew from the very start that he's married, i let go of my feelings. he did the same things. he thought that a week after we met, it will just stop. but it went on and on and our feelings grew deeper and deeper. I learned to love him and so he did... and we share a great deal of fun. it's not just sex. it's beyond that. we just clicked and we share great things. though he always tells me that this will not last forever. we are both currently working in the Middle East. He will go home after 6 months and I know that I will never see him again. thinking about it already hurts but i will just enjoy the time that we have in our hands, for I know that this will never happen again. maybe by the time he will leave, that will be the end. and i must say goodbye. but will never ever regret the chance of loving him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): I don't understand why so many of you say that` you are in control of the situation. How do you figure that? These married man are in control. They just have a way of doing and saying things that makes us think that we are in control. They know exactlly what they are doing to us . I said many times in DearCupid I left mine 4 months ago, and I miss him a lot. but I am a better person for letting him go. Ladies I promise you, you will survive, He is not the only man in the world, and if he was so what, if he really cared he would be with you all the time and not cheating on his wife, when he is with you and cheating on you when he is with his wife.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): I have wrote before. And again I am here. Addicted to this Married man. I realize that he has no intention of leaving hi s family.... and I don't want him to. I want him to be happy. MORE THEN THAT... I want to be content. So hard as it may be, even when he calls, even when he texts. I am in control. I changed the lock on my door. I told him, if he loves me then he will make the decision, to make it happen. The look of gloom told me "It ain't happening." Thats o.k. I bless his decisions. With honesty and truth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): I was sharing, I want to be number 1 and not number 2, 3 or 4. That is why I broke off with my married man 4 months ago. I got tired of it, I would only see him certain weekends, it depending on her work schedule, and if I was lucky maybe I got 2 hours every other weekend. I got tired of waiting for his call, he would say that he would and then did not and here I would be just waiting. I got tired of not being able to introduce him to friends and family because he was married, being able to go in public because someone might see us and he was married, It was sad because I really like him alot in fact I was in love with him and to let him go was the hardest thing I had ever done. He said that he cared for me in fact he had even said that he was in love with me but he has invested 34 years of marriage, he would rather cheat then fix things at home. Each woman needs to do what makes then happy and if this seeing a married man makes you happy then go for it. As for me I wish I had never got involved with him, I knew he was married from the very begin, and I did not even care about myself, about his wife and family all I know is that I had someone paying attention to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): Is anybody ever 100% for someone else? I think this lady is trying to say that we shouldnt even try and own someone and that as such a high proportion of married men and women have an affair, maybe it is normal human behaviour. As for sharing, how do you know that you arn't?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): So, you like sharing him with another woman, and that does not bother you? Wow! he is probably sleeping with her and you, being wih her all the time remember, he needs to keep her happy so he can be with you when he can. amazing, and your terms? What do you mean your terms, its his terms when he can get away from his wife and has time to see you, yes, I understand this is a choice that you have made, and it is not all about sex? I bet its most of it. So, as you get older you will be happy with this, You will never be his 100% percent but I guess you already know that, right?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007): marriage is all a farce anyway, a made up load of bumf by the church in order to control people! I have been married twice and let down by either adulterers or abusers...it makes no difference....vows made are worthless. To be honest its not always the partners fault...humans are not designed to be paired for life, swans maybe...but not humans. Very few marriages go the distance without there being some sort of altercation..and those that do invariably make it to the papers..how often do we see that then??? Certainly not as often as a BB headline. Come on people, wake up and smell the roses..marriage is not sacred. Fact...simple when you learn to accept it. For my part...yes, I am seeing a married man, but its on my terms and my choice, I dont see the bad sides of him, I dont wash his clothes or clean his house, I have my freedom to go out when I want and see my own friends. When I do see him, its because he wants to be with me, not because he has to, he is always in a happy smiling mood when he is with me. It is not all about sex, its companionship, confidente and feeling very safe with him. I would never consider getting married or being with him full time, no one needs to be that controlled by society or by another human being.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007): what can i say, seems like there are a lot of people all with the same problem, we all know deep down if we stop and think about it that we all deserve better. Everyone deserves to be loved and cared for and sharing your man with another woman is by no means fair and is by no means right!I know that, we all know that,ive been in same situation as alot of the posts, im at a cross roads now though, i have to finally make a decission to be strong. Im not sure whether any of you have thought about this but many times we stay in these relationships because we feel like maybe they really mean what their saying and sorry to say this because its so hard for me to even admit this but the relationships are co-dependent ones where we end up giving up part of ourselves. we think if they just leave their wife and do everything they promise then we will be happy but i have my doubts now about this. Ive read alot of books on the topic and most relationships even if they do leave their wifes dont last and most of the time they dont. In the end we should really pity them and not ourselves, because we are the stronger person, most of these men are insecure and needy. They need the control and excitment that comes with the relationship,they feel better inside when they know you are unhappy or distressed because they know they are causing you to feel this way and they have the power to make you feel so happy or feel so sad,you want them they know it. Im sorry to say that we put ourselves in that situation and we give them the power. If you look at it feelings removed they have more to loose then you and you can only be the happier person if you move on with your life. They cheated in the first place so they messed up their situation and they are stuck with it, you are single and can move on and find the man that deserves you.
You may be all saying to yourselves what does this girl know about anything, your right maybe i dont, but who really does, all i can do is speak from my experiences, well here is my story:
Ive just turned 27 Ive been in many long term relationships for my age and i lived with a man after finishing university for two years, that relationship was fine he was a great fellow but i was young and i felt i needed to be single for a while to experience more in life and to find that exciting love that some people talk about. he was more of a friend really. Age 22 i set off happy with my life and enjoyed a year of unattachments finding myself and enjoying life. I was a very happy person extremely happy with life work my friends and met so many nice men but i made myself stay single as i needed to know me before anyone elso could througly know me.
Then 1 day went out on a night out with my brothers girlfriend, i didnt want to go i had a kidney infection i was tired and sick and was no way in the mood to be out. Designated driver that i was i set of to a club in a town that i never go to and i see this really handsome man standing across the other side of the club. Across i went to him on my way another very striking man approached me trying to chat me up i had one idea in my head and that was to get to this other bloke and not normally being the type to do this i wouldnt give him my name and proceeded towards to the other bloke. sometimes i wonder what would of happened of i spoke to that bloke and never made it to my current fellow. But everything happens for a reason and i dont regret whats happened even if it was wrong but i do think you can only go forward.
Turns out this bloke was very charming far too handsome and this was to be the start of four years of the biggest rollercoaster of my life. I was still not looking for a man so when he texted the next day i didnt automatically reply i left it. Him being quite eager he rang not long after texting wondering why no reply i was very taken a back by this but i didnt think too much of it. to cut a long story short he wanted to meet me that night, we pretty much met up every day for weeks and i was just swept away by him. Shocking enough he wanted to go out with me in a few days and was very direct about it. I was naive to the idea that married men persued women and i never expected that i would find out he was how could i. I dated him for months i met his brothers and father and we got on so well and i never met anyone who was so openly loving in the words they spoke to me and in the way they treated me. He even met my parents and my sister. He had previously being living abroad and had moved to my country to live with his brothers and start some businesses. All was going well then one day after staying the night together house and dog sitting in my brothers he left next day and he rang me he was about to board a ferry to where he previously lived he had never said he was going anywhere i was shocked but thought nothing off it, he owned an apartment over there he had to sort a few things out with the tenants who were threatening to leave etc. However he was so over the top on the phone telling me i was a lovely girl he loved me so much that i had a big heart .......I didnt think too much of it at the time and last thing he said was ill ring you tomorrow.
That night i went out with my friends i text him his phone was off, i thought the worse that something had happened to him that he was unwell!!In the end his phone was off for 6 days and he never contacted me, then finally he just sent some silly text saying he was back would talk to me tomorrow. I was having none of it rang him hopped in my car and called to his house. He was in bed room in darkness he had been crying, he told me that he had found out that his ex before me was pregnant and he didnt know how to handle it thats why phone off. I told him that kids came first and that he should try and see if he could have a relationship with her again for the sake of the kids. As hard as it was for us both tears and emotions i went home it was over.
Few days later he asked to meet me i told him i couldnt not for a few days. Finally we met up he told me loved me and only me and even though he was to have a child he didnt want to lose me and would provide for his child in any way possible but it was not going to be with his ex. He was even thinking about letting her has his apartment, i believed him and went along with it. We dated for a few more months i asked when the baby was due but he started to be a bit defensive when i asked and i started to wonder and his moods changed.
Then one day he told me that the baby was already born a little girl born the week he went away and that he was actually married. I had dated him for a whole year and he went to uk for only 1 week despite being married and his baby being born, i ended it i told him to sort things out with this wife. he wanted to be friends but he treated me like he was still with me my head was a mess i was so confussed. he brought her to live with him. then he sent her back again and told me he was leaving her and everytime he did he gave me excuses that he never knew how much his child would mean to him and that he wanted her to stay here so he could see her during week and every few months they was a different thing that had to happen before he could leave her like the child had to start school etc i couldnt cope with all of this i went away for two months travelling and he plagued me with calls and texts he had so much control over me. I was estactic when he was nice to me and i spoke with him and upset when his moods would change like the weather. he took out all his depression and moods on me never physical nearly wish it was cos i would walk so much more easily, emotional hurt worse.but it was like he pushed all his unhapiness on me. He brothers drained him too and his parents he was forever sending or giving money to all of them and fighting with them.
In the end he told me he couldnt keep doing what he was doing for my sake and for his he had to leave her he loved me he could not wait for her to go to school he would have to just suffer the consequences of telling the truth, he promised me to buy a house with me when i got back and that we would be so happy, he collected me from the airport he was so happy he talked about our life together he had sent her back she knew things were not right between them he was going to make everything ok. but guess what it never happened she came back, i couldnt handle anymore he said that he thought he could cope if she over there and still visit but his business took up all his time and he needed his daughter he missed her he was going to have to wait till she was in school, that was too far away so i went my own way, i tried hard made lots of new friends joined loads of activities, i know he hated it he knew i was finding my feet again, i managed to not see him for 7 weeks the longest time in years ever never lasted more than 2/3 days before. I dated another man but that was never going to work out because i was still in the relationship mode that he had gotten me accumstomed to and thats not what a normal relationship should be like, he knew i was dating too he hated it he rang me i answered he jumped in a taxi to my place, by the way i did do some things right along the way i never lost my friends not yet anyway and i bought myself an apartment so im pretty independent and i tried a few times to move on when we were trying to go seperate ways. every time though like a magnet we were just drawn back to each other, no matter how i tried or he tried. Not being big headed but im a pofessional great job nice apartment new car and im attractive and get lots of attention. But im not an attention seeker and i only love him i dont go out anymore and i have started to doubt how i look because of him. He is very handsome and judges people on there looks to much and i was never that way and i never liked that side of him and he knew it.
He wanted me she was going back she didnt like him acting the way he did with her she wanted to go home he had changed. I reckon to be honest well i can only go on what he says and as you can see its not always worked out but he changed when he came here when he met me and he is only human so if i noticed it she had to too, and she felt it she got him back home if would be like he was before but little did she realise he is as stubborn as hell and there was no way on earth that he was going to move back.
I couldnt see my life working with anyone but him i thought maybe he is nearly there if i give up now then i will have wasted last few years if i just hold out a little longer!!!!!!!!!!i asked him had been intimate with her when i was with the other bloke he replied yes once cos he was annoyed he made such a big deal about the other bloke and made me feel like i was wrong when in reality he always had her and i waited years and i as much as he said he was never with her only that time how was i to know!i justified it cos i was with the other bloke and at the time we were not together and i was meant to be moving on with mine and he was meant to be moving on with his.
So we are back together its like it was in the beginning its great he wants kids with me and all the stuff i want. Baring in mind the hold he always had over me was my love of children and all he had to do was mention them as a reason no matter what and i understood. i want kids one day too so much.
Then one day he gets all moody and dont ask me why but now i know him so well and his moods so well that deep dowm i always know whether he is hiding something from me and i asked straight out was she pregnant again and guess what she was. he found out that day which i believe cos the mood and character change was unbelievable. Both agreed that two kids was far too much for me to deal with even if it did happen when i was with some one else, he was going to have to stay with her could not leave her while pregnant.
I was never able to avoid him though he moved close and i pass his brothers him and his work everywhere. Then one day i set out to work and never made it there i nearly died a truck crashed into me and pushed me under another truck, i thought i was gone, it was a miracle i survived and within few weeks i was walking again. He arrived to hospital i was the love of his life this was not fair on me he said i deserved happiness he was leaving her he never saw her for the whole nine months except 1 week and he went over when the baby was born.I was in a a complete emotional state i let him back in after the accident i needed someone i wasnt thinking right i was off work for months i loved him, i justified to myself that he wasnt really with her anyway she was in another country he was here with me he planned to tell her when baby born well a little after he was going to buy her a house here so she would stay and he would see the kids, guess what i got stronger i helped him to find the house i even put in the offer, then he changed his mind and then he changed it again he was to ring them back to take house i asked him did he and he said no he was funny with me not seen him all week and guess what i had a feeling he got it i asked him he said he was not going to tell me cos now he wants his brother to live with him to pay mortgage and he will be staying with her and them as long as takes he dosent know could be month could be longer so that she stays in this country!the weird thing about all this is he wants kids with me and we have tried last three months but my system is all over place probablly from accident and im going for ultrasound today to see if im ok!i dont know why i was reckless cos i only want kids in a secure relationship but ive been so silly,i might even be pregnant now!but he dosent know that,he even said to me one day that he cant understand why i am not pregnant cos it only took one time both occassions with her. that hurt more than anything he knew and apologised but he still said it. he will always have some excuse or another,and guess what i was upset he didnt tell me about house he shouted at me to leave him alone he is working and later when got off phone he text to say that 'he loved me and i know that dont i?'i replied if he loved he would do everything he said!!!
one very confused girl who should really be taking my own advice in the first paragraph for some reason i feel trapped!but ive reached that point where no more excuses make sense so i will see????????????????
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2007): He will never leave his wife, because if this was so he would of already. You need to build on your self esteem, you know you can do better, than why don't you. You will never trust him because when he is not with you, you will think that he is with her, and then what if you do hook up, I have always said that you don't know what a person is like until you live with them. I have been married twice, I have now been divorced for a long time, my first never drank in front of me, then after we got married that was all he did, and my second was not abusive with me, until we got together these men were not married it was there first, Now, what I am getting at when we are with these guys they promise us the world they can do no wrong except cheat and lie to there wives. I broke up with mine 3 months ago, I had no choice I felt belittled. Do I miss him, sure I do, Do I want to pick up the phone and call him at work because that was the only place that I could call him, of course I do, do I want to e-mail him, I did do that once after we broke up and I never received a reply. I know if my heart I did the right thing, Please LET HIM GO. HE WILL NEVER TRULY BELONG TO YOU.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2007): You DO need to let him go. You need to have him work out his marriage. When there are kids it makes the situation even more complicated. He may love you but doesn't mean he needs to act on it. He loves his wife otherwise he would not have said that he needs to stop. Marriage is a vow. Marriage is hard work. It is a whole new level. Surely, when you get married, you do not want your husband doing this to you, right? Think about it. Change your number. Don't call him. He is not yours to love. LET HIM GO.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2007): I went for a job interview 5 years a go and met this nice lady, also met her husband.. I felt something that never happened before in my life, i was looking at him and he was looking at me too.. since that day i could forget the way he was looked at me.. I started working, few months later we started an affair, have been 4 yeas now. we had wonderful times togethet and i no longer work for him anymore.. i was married also, but now i am separeted, all thsi time he broke up with me many times, one time ws for almost 2 months and other times week or two.. He just said he had to stop, because his 3 kids and his wife don't deserve that..But he could not stop contacting me. he came back always, i love him very much, now he left me again, has been 2 weeks.and he know that, i know how his marriage is i was in his house for almost two years, i know they don't have a good marriage. I don't know if he loves me, sometimes i think yes, but sometimes i think no, because this time he hurt me so bad, like many times before.. I miss him so much, i miss his emails, he used to wake me up and the mornings 4:30 am 5am and now his not coming anymore.. but i told him i understand his decision, i am sure hi love being with me i can't tell how happy hi is when his with me, sometimes he cames so sad and he leave so happy, because i make him laughhi says i am funny and happy.. I never ask him to leave his wife, because i am still married, but his afraid because i am single living alone, he thinks i need i younger man, single man, but i know his confuse, sometimes he drink too much and say lots things to me, he express his feelings..now we apart he said his is going to try not to contact mehe say his is going to try to be happy with out me..I miss him a lot i know it's been hard for him every day, i kept reading all his emails he sent me for all this time my heart is broken sometimes i can't breath right, can't sleep i cannot eat.. I am just waiting for him to call me..please give some advise, but don't ask me to let him go.Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): o.k. sweetheart. I feel your heartache. BUT, he is MARRIED and you knew about it. Even if he has feelings for you, he was OFF LIMITS. He wasn't even in the process of getting a divorce or being separated?? His wife wants to work out their marriage and he said so himself that he needs to give it a chance as well especially if they have little children. THEN, you should not contact him and let him be. He is not yours to fight for. It is just not right. LET HIM GO. Marriage is a whole new level of a relationship. Being just boyfriend and girlfriend is totally different from that. Go find yourself a SINGLE guy. Please don't be a homewrecker.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): Hi, I'm in the same situation. He thought his wife didn't love him anymore. We met as friends and he started confiding in me about his marriage not doing to well. Our relationship got deeper. I love him so much and he says too. His wife found out and wants to work it out with him. He has 3 little children. His wife is fighting for him. I am fighting for him too b/c I know he loves me. He tried to break it off but I won't let him. He spent couple days with me to finally end it. He said he needs to give his marriage a chance; his wife won't let him go. I miss him sooo much. We were supposed to live together but that all stopped. He is the best thing that happened to me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): well... i do have a same problem with you. even though in my religion he could marry me, but he refuses. he said that he dun want to hurt me by marrying me because he said after marriage, life's not as good as now. He have to spend time with his wife and kids, and only can spend a little time with me.So far, we have this relation for almost two years, and gosh, i dunno but i love him very much. But still, i have to think before doing anything. Even though we love each other, but seems like i won't marry him. So, what should i do?This is what i did. Go out with a new guy. Try to avoid him, let say you used to see each other everyday, try to make it twice a week... and then twice a month... Dont text/call him. I know it's difficult, but you have to! Don't start, unless he call/sms u first... DON'T EVER SLEEP WITH HIM! Take care..
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reader, amz50 +, writes (28 August 2007):
Hi my im amz as my screen name,i enjoy reading here with different story gosh... i felt hurt also. Life is just like a book, we are the author and we are making story about our life. Like me also i inlove with a married man,i know this is wrong but i felt something special to him. We start in friendship he is the one who makes move to make us friends untill we come lover or untill we have mutual understanding. He is smart and profissional, kind etc. He makes me smile the time that i was so down, im very comfortable with him we spent time together until we had intimate, the problem is he cannot promise me cause he was married, wven though im prettier to his wife but that his still wife he has more time with me than his wife. we are still together now but there are times that until when we gonna be like this he love his wife and he loves me also and i love him but its a wrong time. i broke with him but he will cry its hard for him.Lots of my friends tells me thats its my lost because he is married man, im in last priority i know. but now i keep busy and try to give distance to him, its to hard on me and its very hurt i know but i need to accept i do not know yet the ending of this... ladies this is my yahoo i.d [email address blocked] add me ir u can email me we will share some ideas also about life, tnx.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2007): I am so glad to be here for you, I finally figured out that there are so many women in this kind of a situation. Probably the reason this hurts so much for you is that he broke off with you first instead of you giving him the brush off, first, but that is okay because at least you saw what kind of a real man he was, and this pretty much tells you. I am glad that I broke off with my married man, I just couldn't do it anymore, it was so stressful and I felt so cheap when he would leave me. I loved him a lot and I remember telling him what would happened if this happened, that last day I told him that I was falling in love with him and he finally told me,this is a man that I liked 40 years ago did this keep us together, did he make any changes for the relationship to work, of course not, the coward. He just told me that this was long lasting and that he cared deeply for him, imagine he said those words and is he here next to me, of course not, but that is okay because even though this has hurt a lot, I am a better person for dumping him, Gosh! I like that word. Now to you if you have to switch gears mentally and say that you dumped him, if these words will help you deal with the situation better say it, anything to get you going again, try really try to think of him less everyday, when he comes to your mind say The Lords Prayer, replace the thought of him with a prayer, you will see that focusing on something else wil help you a lot, talke about it, even if it here on the forus don't try to figure this out on your own, I had friends and family help me through this. I knew it was wrong from the begniing but since I had not dated for such a long time and he knew it he took the ball and ran with it keep in mind nothing but nothing goes unpunished on this earth and someday, someday they all get there, we reap what we sow.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2007): To the woman who wrote the previous post,
Thank you for your response and words of wisdom. I know everything you've said is 100% true. I have told myself those things zillions of times--that he is not worth my tears, health, energy...that he is not deserving of any part of me.
I want to let go so bad and I'm trying hard to stay busy, but, for some reason, I can't shake him. He affected me so deeply. Without him, I feel lifeless and my spirit is crushed.
I guess it will just take lots more time and effort. Thank you for listening and writing. I know what you say is absolutely true.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2007): So, its been 2 years almost and you are stil mourning for him, Why? As you said that he has gone on with his life and you are still in misery. How much longer are you going to keep this up, and is it fair to yourself to put you through all of this. Maybe you need to go and talk to a Dr. seriously.You must stay busy, focus on something else, not him, he is not worth you time, and tears, and seems like he is not concerned about you either. Do you really want this kind of a person in your life, and would you ever trust him, shame on him for doing that to you, first play with your feelings and gets what he wants and then moves on like no big deal. it is a big deal, keep this up and it will effect you health, and come on now is he really worth your well being. I broke up with mine 3 months ago, and I did it, I could not take it anymore. I miss him but everyday I miss him less, because I know that I did the right decision. Once, you get this in your head that he is gone and never coming back the better off you will be. Hang in there! You will be all right as soon as you let go, for good.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2007): I wish I could be like the woman who wrote the previous post and say, "Damn it. I won't settle for anything less than being #1 to him. I won't accept mere scraps, crumbs, getting a rushed call or leftover time, being an afterthought, etc... because I deserve better."But, without him, I cannot deny that I am so empty and dead. It hurts that he has gotten over me a long time ago, and is living his life so easily, happily, and smoothly, while I have been suffering in misery, unable to free myself from this heavy weight of sadness. I keep telling myself to get over him because there is no point in trying to hold on because he has told me that he doesn't want a future with me. He let go of me so easily and has even encouraged me to be with someone else.No man has ever had such a profound effect on my soul. Every waking moment, I long for his touch, comfort, the way he understood me without me having to say anything. I just don't know how to be released from this pain. I have been struggling with it for almost 2 years. Constantly, I am tormented by all the memories of him. All I want is to be with him. But, the reality is that he'll never want a future with me, despite the unbelievable connection I thought we had, and I doubt that I will find that again.At the same time, I have such immense feelings of rage, bitterness, feelings of betrayal, feeling cheapened. I don't know if he genuinely loved me, or if everything he said was just out of emotion, or because he was having fun using me as an escape from his dull and less than perfect marriage. Apparently, I was his validation machine, pumping his ego and giving so much, when he wasn't getting that from his wife. I've concluded that I don't think it was love on his part.But, I know that I, for some stupid reason, am still madly in love with him. I just want so much to get out of this pit and never have any feelings for him again. But, how is it possible?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2007): I am so sorry for your pain. I am 54 years old and a widow of 2 years. I loved my husband dearly. 9 Months ago I spent some time with a friend of mine who is a married man. His wife is also my friend. He is a truck driver so I only see him once every few months. The time that we spend together is only friendship. However, a few months ago we started to have an affair. At my age I have experienced a wonderful relationship with the love of my life. This man also became extremely important to me. After much thought and knowing how it could be I told him that I needed more of a commitment from him. That I am not going to cheat myself out of what could be a second chance to have another love. I told him that life is about choices and he needed to decide. The next day he called me and told me that He didnt expect to call in love with me, however he had an allegiance to his wife.I told him that I wish him well and hope all of dreams come true. But I have to think about my dreams and second best isnt good enough for me.I miss him terrible but I love myself more.Good luck to you darling, just find yourself first.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2007): Why do we as women, get so involved with a married man. What it is about them that is so intriging. I know we have all dated single men before, is it because we think that we can get away with something? Or is it a game? Or do we feel that is the best that we can do. The sad part about all of this, is that they go on their merry way and we stay here and suffer yes, suffer..Just waiting for there call. I'll call you later as mine would say and I sit and wait for that stupid call that never came, I hated that, or he comes over for the usual 2 hours maybe if I was lucky that he would grace me with that much time to have sex and then he can't wait to leave because he has honey do's to do or she will be upset and heaven forbid he doesn't want to upset her, better us then her, right! because he doesn't have to live with us and because we are so caring and loving we get over it and we don't want to upset him. As I said earlier I did break up with him going on 3 months and believe you me I still expect that call someday or that e-mail to come, but you know I can handle it better now, a month ago I would of told you I would pick the phone and e-mail back but now after time has passed, I don't quite feel the same way as I did because I know I did the right thing, it does hurt it hurts a lot because that person that gave you so much attention day in and day out is now gone, but you will survive I promise, the hard part is making the decision that you what no part of this anymore and that you know that you can do better. Hang in there we are survivors and as time passes you will also see that the decision was right for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2007): I feel deeply for you both. The same thing happened to me. My "friend" is married and so am I. I have been married 20 yrs and have never been involved with anyone else. I have been living apart from my husband for 2 yrs. I know how alone you both feel. It is so painful to dread the weekends. It is equally painful to feel like you have found your soulmate when he is married to someone else. Right now, I have no answer, I just wanted you to not feel so isolated. I work closely with the man I am involved with too. It is a no where relationship that I thought I could manage, but I cannot. You are not alone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2007): So, how long will all of you keep seeing your mm (married man)? Another day, and another week, or another month, or even another year. Why? Do you think that you cannot do better in your life then be in love with a cheater and a liar. Come on, you know in your heart that you can do better, but you are afraid of being left alone, it is okay for your mm to go on with his life, with his wife, because even though he said that he cares and saids that he love you, even though the kids are all grown up and it is just his wife, he never plans to leave that comfort zone, we are just a play thing or as mine use to tell me I was a game, and I was so stupid thinking that he really cared for me, when all along I knew it was becuase of sex even thought he denied it, but again how do you believe a lar and a cheater. Now, have you ever thought that he is having sex with you and his wife, think about that, how disgusting is that, Oh! he might tell you there is no sex at home but how can you believe a liar and a cheater, I broke up with my mm 2 months ago, and yes, I do miss him, but now I miss him less and even think of him less , because I know in my heart that I did the right thing. Don't have a baby if you want to continue being part of his game, why bring a innocent child into the world because of you not knowing the difference of a liar and cheater, and just seeing him on his time, come on, is this all you think you are worth a text message while he sleeps with another woman his wife, please ladies, wise up fast, time has a way of getting away from us and we all deserve better as I have always said before better be alone and happy then be with a liar and a cheater and be miserable, and would you ever trust him if he was with you all the time..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2007): It felt good to know tht im not the only one, smtimes i felt so stupid and didnt know why i end up loving a mm. I always end up hurting but im still with him, everytime i pull away, he will try very hard to pull me back to him...its really2 hard...its hard to know that you can hv him only from monday 2 friday, from 7.30 to 9pm...that you can only see him when he wife is away on a trip..that you have to wait for him to text or callyou first...its even harder to meet, when he's becoming more powerful n famous...i dont think he would risk anything for me....then why am i still with him?..its past 9pm, i just rcvd his last message wishing me goodnite and swt dreams with hugs and kisses...i'll be spending the next 2days without him...it will start all over again on Monday...right now, i feel so lonely and feel stupid for being in love with a married man......
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female
reader, ms.unfortunate +, writes (2 August 2007):
hii sympathise with u and can totally relate to u but i'm afraid the cold hard truth is that he is married and can never give u what he gives his wife. love and commitment and stability and security, all you are is a subject of lust. if it were truly love he would not hold back and commit to u fully.i wish i could say something to give u hope but dont waste anymore time on the guy. be strong
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2007): I am listening this song over and over again… how can I stop loving him?! If I am not in a position to demand anything, at lest I wish I could have his child, a baby from him that I could live with rest of my life…. I love him, and there is nothing wrong about loving somebody deeply. And if I am wrong, I don’t want to be right…. There are so much pain about loving him, but even more pain or the pain could be death if without loving him….. If loving you is wrong...Cassandra WilsonIf loving you is wrong...I don't want to be rightIf being right means living without youI'd rather live wrong than rightMy Mama and Daddy sayIt's a shame...It's a downright disgraceBut as long as I've got you by my sideI don't care what my people sayMy friends tell me there's no futureIn lovin' a married manIf I can't see you when I want...I'll see you when I canIf loving you is wrong, I don't want to be rightIf loving you is wrong, I don't want to be rightAm I wrong to fallSo deeply in love with you...Knowing you've got a wife and two little childrenDepending on you tooAm I wrong to hungerFor the gentleness of your touch...Knowing you've got someone else at homeWho needs you just as muchAm I wrong to give my loveTo a married man?Am I wrong for trying to hold onTo the best thing I've ever had?If loving you is wrong...I don't want to be rightIf loving you is wrong...I don't want to be rightI don't want to be right...if it means living without youI don't want to be right...if it means sleeping alone at nightI don't want to be rightIf loving you is wrong...I don't want to be rightIf loving you is wrong...No, I don't want to be right
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2007): I have often wondered what I would do if my mm just vanished out of my life. I would has him if you got sick how would I know, would your wife or family call and tell me, of course not. You know these guys are smart and its ashame that friends and even family would cover for him. You should be glad that he has gone away. It seems like to me he is telling you that I don't want anything to do with you anymore. I am sorry to tell you because I know it hurts, what do they expect us to do, keep holding on to false hope, why they go on there merry way. shame on them. Don't try to contact him or call him at work or anything like that, try to let go. I left mine 2 months ago, and I still miss him, I want to call him or e-mail but I just can't because then he would probably say, I knew she would come back, and I don't want to give him that satisfaction and show a sign of weakness, because I know now that he was never leaving his wife that was never even dicussed. to him as he told me several time, this was a game. I broke it off because it was to much pressure I had to be here when he called if not, I would miss my chance of talking to him, I could only call him at work, I only saw him 9 times in 5 months becuase of his wife job. Please stay strong, talk to someone even if it is only in this forum. Remember you are not the only one dealing with this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): I've been seeing a married man for 3 years. 6 months ago he left her and things were OK for a while. He moved back in with her 6 weeks ago because, he tells me, he ran into money troubles having to pay rent and a mortgage. I gave him until the end of the month to sort things out, basically it's her or me because I could not live with him being back with her as I did not believe what he was telling me was the truth. He was Ok with this but he has now disappeared. I haven't seen him for 10 days. His phone is switched off and he hasn't turned up for work. none of his friends know where he is and I'm a mess.I feel that either he has had some sort of break down and has taken himself away from the situation to figure out what to do next or he is on holiday with her patching things up. After all he moved back in to the marital home and she has been cooking for him and doing his laundery, now would you do that for someone after you found out that they had been having an affair for 3 years? I know I wouldn't. I should explain that he is 53, she is 50 and I am 37. Their kids are no longer living at home, she doesn't work and he earns a good wage. i dont know how to come to terms with the fact that this may be the end of everything for me and him. I can't come to terms with him disappearing without saying a word or finishing things with me. What do I do next?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2007): I can completely feel your pain, as I am in a similar situation. Nearly a year ago, this guy was hired at my job. He was attractive but not really "my type" (or so I thought). Anyway, as time progressed, I became VERY attracted to him. No wedding ring on his left hand either. Needless to say, he became attracted to me, too. He also told me that he was, in fact, married. Years ago, I would've been devastated upon hearing that, would've IMMEDIATELY left him alone. Instead, I simply didn't care. To make matters worse, he's even told me that he loves both me AND his wife. But wait, there's more. He's asked me to be his second wife (he's Muslim)! Though we've never been intimate, I cannot lie: I've fallen so deeply for this man. But I know that this can never, ever work out! I am ashamed for falling so hard for this man. But I owe it to myself to pray to God for forgiveness, and then I MUST forgive myself. I know it's hard when your feelings run so deeply but you can and, most importantly, will get past this; hopefully having learned an important lesson. I still struggle with the hurt every day but I believe that I will make it! Best of luck to you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2007): Well, today makes 2 months since I broke up with my mm. I still miss him but not as much as a month ago. I still think it is him when I hear the phone ring, and still expect him to send me an e-mail of which neither has happen but this is okay because this is the way this affair was suppose to end. I know that this was the right thing to do. I am sad but sometimes you have to what you have to do to survive. I would rather be alone, then to be with a liar and a cheater as he was.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2007): Girls, I'd like to tell u all a small story...I was with a married man too. I knew he was married. he was dating this girl for few years before he got married to her. They got married and she left for higher studies and he was here. Thats when i met him. we started of as acquaintances and ended up in love. So i think and i know. While we were together we knew we had no future together and this was not gonna last forever, but we still got more and more involved, till one day his wife came back in the scene.He always told me that he would never leave his wife and if he would do so he would never be able to forgive himself. She is aa friend of mine too. If he had I would have never been able to forgive myself either. We live in the same city and move around with the same friends.SInce i knew there was no future I decided to move on too. I got engaged. I begged and begged him to take a stand. He took it. He told me to move on and that it would not be easy for him to leave his wife. His wife came back. Each nite was a nightmare for me.Could not stop thinking what they were upto, whether they were happy, whether they were sad. Spent a lot of time and energy thinking about their relation. Prayed everyday that something would go wrong with them and he would come back to me. But as they say god helps those who need help. God was helping them.Their relation got better and better.And i got more and more frustrated.I got married in the midst of this. I have a great husband who dotes on me and loves me like crazy.Am very lucky to have him.My frustration got me nowhere but to the doors of self destruction. I begged him to stay friends, my best buddy my confidante. He got busy with work and wife. He started spending time with her, justifiably so. I hated it. He strated neglecting me...i had recahed a point of nagging him for time and attention. Things got worse. I started behaving like a crazy over possessive lover. I wanted to keep track of everything concerning him. I was going frantic. Till one day i thought i must just let go. I have never accepted defeat.I thought to myself, that this is never gonna hppen. Even if he leaves his wife, I will nevcer go back to him. I statred reducing my expectations. I gave him space. I staretd controlling my tongue and temper. I was only pushing the one thing i love away from me. I realised it. Things today for him and me are diff. We do talk everyday. But still there is some strss and hesitation. But I know things will be better and he will soon be my friend again. I have accepted that we will have to live a platonic relation.He prob accepted that a little before i did. We did love each other and will always do. I dont know about him...but I will always love him. He was my first love. Hw made me feel like a princess.. I will never forget him, his touch, his smell, his words, his love. I have tears in my eyes as i write this. I will never tell him this.He was and is important to me. I will not anybody take my love for him away from me. He was not mine when i met him. I cannot snatch him away form someone else. He gave me the happiness I probably deserved at that time. This is my story. I feel I have moved on today. This is thanx to my husband. He is a great guy. I just never saw the good in him. I compared him to someone else. BIG MISTAKE. I wish all women get a husband like mine. He has his flaws but everybody does. I have ample too. He taught me to stay calm and accept change. So all u women who are reading this.. keep the time u spent with ur lover, married or not as a fantastic memory,but dont hang on to it. Leave it as a past, move on. No use trying to get his attention, wanting to feel important in his life. It will lead to a disaster. Like u he also has his priorities. Dont do this to urself. Ur married man was a great man, thats why u fell for him and u are a great person too..thats why he fell for u. Acceptance is the key here ladies. Accept that u must move on. We are very strong ppl. We have/had the courage to fall for married men and keep it a well guarded secret. We are still strong. We have just made the small insignificant weak side of ours in the front. Wake up ladies. I know what u women want, u'll dont wanna lose this person from ur life. U wont if u continue and decide to stay friends. It is difficult but u gotta do this to keep him in ur life..BUT BE PREPARED "ONLY AS A FRIEND". I have and i am happy. Best of luck ladies.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2007): Well, its been 2 months since I have seen him, or talked to him or e-mailed him, I did e-mail him and he never answered. I"ve torn our picture together, and deleted all the songs that he has sent me and deleted all the e-mails. I have finally figured out It's over with, there is still alot of pain, but I finally also figured out that I lost but it was a good lost. You see I have always conquered and won but this time I did not, and that is okay too because I know that this was a no win situation all the way around.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007): girls, stay away from the married man! i met my mm at work, he was amazing, caring, same interests, we had everything in common! he made me feel so good about myself, made me feel so special and desired...but after many months i decided to end it, nothing physical happened, but the emotional bond was gettting stronger and stronger and the feelings more intense!
It became obvious to me he was just waiting for ME to make a move (and I was so in love with him!!!), so that it if anything happened he wouldn't have to take responsibility for it; however, thanks to my great friends i didn't; i mean, it always felt wrong, knowing that there's another woman out there who thinks he's her love and life, and who would see her world fall apart if she found out; actually, i feel bad for her, because next time she may not be as lucky as to have him meet someone who will not act on anything, as much as she may be in love and hurting! (because HE WILL do it again!); and i'm not saying any of you did anything wrong, because it is the mm who made a choice and a commitment, and he should have respected it and respected his wife - i just had friends who had been on the other side and would not rest until i got out of it... otherwise i would have been with him!
All this said, i did really fall for him, to the point where he was all i could think about, and fantasized about our life together, and all those beautiful things. The point is, that will never happen, married men hit a lull in their relationships and are looking for something new and exciting. YOu can give them what they're looking for at the moment, but will not leave their wives... and really, would you want to be with someone like that?
I ended my 'emotional relationship' but it did hurt like hell, he was working with me and it was so easy to run into him or talk to him! It still hurts, but from what i hear it gets easier!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2007): I understand how complicated this gets and you are right,i use to say to him, that God put us together for whatever reason, but I know now that isn't so, God did not put us together you could of not said it any better, the timing was not right. I left mine about 2 months ago, and did I make a scene I did not want him to go I even stood in front of the door several times before he left because when he left I knew it would be final, and so far I am right. I knew him as we were growing up and we did not meet for over 40 years up until the last day I told that I loved him and he finally told me too. I am the one that wished him Happy Birthday and he could not even say Thank you. I knew that this break up was going to be painful but I did not expect this to be this painful. I just want to call him and e-mail him but if he did not answer my last e-mail which I thought he would not I am almost sure that he would not answer this one. My sister told me last night when I told her will the pain go away and she said in time. She said that I hurt because I was left with no one and he hurts but probably not that much because he has her and she is right, he might think about me a little but he still has her. I just wish that the pain will go away soon, It is too much, but again I knew that it would be and that is why I did not want to let go.I want to e-mail him and tell him how much I care, but you know he already knows that. Maybe by not calling me or e-mailing me he is also telling me that this is over but again I am doing the same.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2007): First, I understand all of the stories I read here. Both sides. Here's a different view. I've been seeing a married man for 3 years. Although we don't see each other very often, when we do, it's an entire week or several days. I met him once before I was divorced and the meeting left me curious but didn't think anything of it for a year because we were both married. I was faithful to my husband for our entire 12 yr marriage, by choice. Believe it or not, my husband's infidelity in our marriage was the least of our problems. Our problems were so beyond what most would ever experience due to rare occurrances, that we oddly remain friends to this day.
Anyway, I met the married man again a year later literally just as my divorce was final. It was wild passion the first night and every day thereafter. Instant physical and emotional chemistry that blew us straight to Mars. He was upfront in explaining that he was maintaining his marriage and children. And I, not wanting to be in a relationship at all, fell into the situation immediately. He told me upfront if he falls for me emotionally, he has to end it and I told him that was fine with me. We are adults and we held nothing back from each other. He and his wife had gone through a nasty expensive divorce but saved the marriage at the last minute. We never discuss the details. I give him his privacy and he tells me if I fall for someone else to let him know and he'd support me. I am his second affair, the first of which he almost left his wife for. He answers if I ask about his life and he is honest, but I stopped asking details and just listen when he wants to talk. He says his wife had nothing before they met and she and the children depend on him financially. He is fairly wealthy and would probably lose a lot if their marriage broke up because of a love affair. I don't care if he was homeless but I explain what he would lose a little later in my post here.
We became good friends, coaching the other through the daily things life throws at you, including a few disasters and a crisis or two. The friendship is so nourishing that it's as nourishing as the physical part now, if not more.
I tell myself that God is now allowing me to put myself in the situation of being the other woman so that I understand why my husband did this to me.
I have fallen deeply in love with the married man and I refuse to tell him because I'm assuming that will cause him to end it. However, I am getting clues from him that he is serious about me as well, and some of those clues are so serious that it's even more profound than just your standard love affair. It's even gone beyond love.
I could be wrong but because of all the travel he does and the fact that he is almost never home at all, that his wife knows about the opportunity for casual affairs and although she doesn't like them, she may understand them. From what I can tell, she has a good life without him there most of the time. But we are not casual.
Here's the twist. He doesn't seem the cheater type. In fact, he is so faithful to God, he said that he promised his family he would stand by them and even if he reaches the point where he no longer wants to, he is obligated because how do you get out of a promise you make before God?
My dilemma is that my guilt of betraying HER has increased over time and I also feel that I am betraying him by not telling him that I've fallen so deeply in love with him. Does he have the right to know? I am thinking about telling him I have to leave him because I fell in love with him and that is the type of betrayal that I cannot do to his wife.
I'm not looking for a relationship so soon after a divorce and I never was. I have dated others but my heart isn't in it. I was blind-sided by this love at first sight at exactly the point in my life where I least wanted to be in love. Who arranged that? It just happens and you don't seek it. My life is not ruined by this man and I am in control of my life and seek happiness wherever I go. I engage myself in all sorts of new activities and freedoms since my divorce and I actually have this married man as both a lover and a strong, supportive friend, to thank for being some of the fire that helped me get back on my feet.
His wisdom is astounding. In fact, he encourages my friendship with my ex husband and asks about him on a regular basis out of concern for his situation.
I have a question for you all - regardless of how wrong it is, how much betrayal is involved, and how many people and/or children get hurt, how do you just turn off love? I can't turn it off like a lightswitch and I don't want to lose the friendship, which is reciprocated. I don't know if he loves me and I haven't asked. My instinct tells me he is in love with me based on things he does and says, but he is hiding it, just like me, for the same reasons and out of respect for his wife. I think we could even survive if we ended the affair and maintained the friendship, perhaps even with his wife's knowledge, but she would be hurt if she knew the rest. I love him so much that sometimes I feel that by making him happy outside his marriage, I am contributing to his remaining in an unhappy marriage. But I refuse to take that to heart and know that we are both responsible for our own actions. I am still not ready for a full time relationship and not sure I want a second marriage. I like to believe we do that once in our lives and a second chance would be a miracle.
He has some "things" that most people don't have and they are very difficult to come by. They took him a lifetime to earn and he shares some of it with the community. He is not materialistic at all and these "things" are not really material per se, they are his dreams and to lose it all is more than just losing the marriage. I am not making excuses for him but trying to explain that I understand that when you work all your life to fulfill your dreams, someone who loves you is not going to ask you to give it up. I would hope that if he does divorce his wife or vice versa that she would love him enough to understand that but he seems to think she wouldn't respect that. He has already promised to care for the children no matter what happens.
Sorry this is so long, but I think you guys understand. We've only been able to see each other once in the past year due to circumstance involving his career, however we are in touch so often that we have sort of become the person that you figuratively "run home to, and tell what happened to you today and how you felt about it." The physical distance is due to necessary travel and doesn't seem to affect the increasing need for us to be in each other's lives. It gets stronger every week. For the most part, the distance with me is also when he is not with his family. It's what he does and who he is and that will remain anonymous here for purposes of privacy.
Even if he were to leave his wife and "be" with me forever, he would not be with me all the time either. But in a way I like that. The communication never ceases. I like him happy and I too need my own life.
I will never turn off the love because it's so beautiful and I chose not to. How I chose to live with it, is what I haven't decided. And whether or not I tell him how I really feel is what I ponder the most. But somehow, I think he already knows.
You see, later on in life, these can be a whole lot more complicated than just cake and icing, folks. Sometimes in life, the timing is just off.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2007): Ok.
So im 19 years old, and in love with a 25 year old married man. dang.
we were together for about 8 mos when i found out that he was married. I had no idea. they were separated.
of course, i broke it off because i COULD NOT be with a married man.
although, he was like, my best friend and closest confidant. I love him to death, even if just as friends. Hes amazing.
but, he did lie to me.
Although I didnt want to be intimate with him anymore and keep it strictly as friends.. it didnt work out that way.
Im still sleeping with him, and I still love him to death.
I miss every moment that we are together and hate it that we're apart.
He recently (after i found out) got back with his wife.
They got a house together, and moved in with their 2 young kids. wow.
*it seems like ammovie, no?*
Now, its like we're still together. We have sex like once-twice a week and he seems me when he can and calls me pretty much every day.
Well, he was my very fist kiss, he took my virginity, and my first love. (I was totally innocent when I met him! no sexual activities, kissing, touching, seeing, ANYTHING whatsoevery) So.. he means a lot to me.. and so does my relationship.
I know that I would be better off without him, and without his lies, but I love him, and im just not ready to move on yet. Its rediulous.
Im just setting it p to hurt myself, and his family.
Its like, we're best friends. Buddies, even, if you know what I mean.
I met his wife once, and his kids love me to death. his sister is my best friend, and dang. Im all involved with him.
I dont know what to do.
I love him..
I just cant let go.
[email address blocked]
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2007): I am 32 years old, married for 4 years and have been having an affair with a married man for nearly 2 years. At first the relationship started as a coworker friendship, but as my marriage was falling apart and he had issues in his marriage, we found comfort in each other. My husband hadn't touched me in 3 months by then and I had begged my husband to be with me and he always said he was tired, then here was this married man who was so gorgeous and talked so much game and I wondered and dreamed and finally did it. Little did I know that he had been going through issues for almost all 11 years he had been married. He has been with his wife for 21 years married 11, I have been with my husband for 17 years married 4. Being with him was so wonderful for the first 9 months, then slowly the issues he had with his wife disappeared, while my issues with my husband are still ongoing til this day. I was in need of him more than he was of me. I fell in love with him after only 1 month, he claims he fell in love with me after 3 months, but I know that I would leave my husband in a second for him, but he will never leave his wife for me. He told me from the beginning that he wouldn't leave her because of his daughter, but I know now that he would never leave her because he is in love with her - he loves her, not me. We broke up 1 week ago and I am actively trying to make a decision to stay or leave my husband. My marriage isn't great and I'm not in love with my husband, but I do love and care for him even after all that we have been through. After 17 years it's hard not to.
I know this situation is different, but I have to find the strength to stay away from him. The agony of missing him is unbearable and the fact that we work together makes it so hard. He calls me everyday to "get me back". He wants me to stay with my husband even though I am miserable, so that he can still have me too. I know that's not love. He knows that if I leave my husband, I will move on and he doesn't want me to. I've tired to break things off with him too many times to count, but always fell for his words. I know I have to move on and make a decision that doesn't involve him at all. It's the hardest thing I had to do in my life, but I have to do something. I can't keep my husband and continue having this affair and I can't move on with the man I really am in love with. I have to leave both or just the man that I love.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2007): I dated a married man on and off for almost five years. In my case, I was told that he did not love his wife anymore and that she was cruel to him. In your case, He's telling you he still loves her. He's basically saying to you that you're an afair and that's it. If you continue this, It could go on for so long and you're going to, someday, look at yourself and think "I am never going to be in a real relationship or ever get married if I carry this on". Think about it, If sosmething happened to him or you, say a car accident or something like that, It's not like you could show up at the hospital and be by his side and Kiss him and love him. His wife would be doing that. And he certainly wouldn't do that for you for fear that he might gaet caught. He is scum. I used to tell myself, There's no way he could be lying to me. He loves me and I would make excuses for him TO MYSELF! All the time! But in reality, while I held off on everything I could be doing and sacrificed so much time waiting to talk to him and wondering what he was doing, I could have met someone. And you will not meet anyone else if you're heart is always on him. don't kid yourself! He's not thinking about you like you do about him. He doesn't have to wait around for you like you do for him. He's got his cake and eating it too and he will walk away scott free but you have to just end it. And It will hurt and suck BIG TIME for a while and nothing anyone can say willpermanently make you feel better, but it gets better I promise. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2007): Good for you, I hope if my time comes down the road, I am able to be just as
strong as you. You know, some days are all right, and some days are really hard.
I know I will get pass this, we all do in time. You have given me the courage to carry on. Thank you! When I read what you wrote over and over again these words have helped me so much.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2007): You are very welcome. Know that it is and will be an ongoing struggle. My married man popped in today and surprised me. The sparks are still there, and I'll admit he got to me a little, but after he left I e-mailed him and told him "popping in" wasn't cool. Granted he's a very important client, but he needs to make an appointment like all the rest of them. I'm pretty proud of me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2007): Thank you, you will never know how much what you said made my day. You are right I am starting to get it. I've even asked God today to get him out of my mind. I need to stop thinking about him all together. I need to get back to where I was Jan 1, before I met him. Peace and quiet by myself, and I know that everyday I will get there. I see that he has not called me or even made an attempt to e-mail a Thank you after I told him Happy Birthday. He is so self centered and so much in love with himself only. What was I thinking of when I got with him. At least it was a few months instead of a few years. If you are in a situation with a married man, ladies, please get out it does hurt and it hurts a lot because as a person you believe every word they say, and if you have not had a close relationship with a man remember for me it was more than 14 years, you fall for everything they say, I told him I did not want my heart broken and he did what I told him not to do, break my heart, but you know like they say what goes around comes around because he played with my feelings and my heart and got a way with it or he thinks he got a way with it. He will get his someday, nothing goes unpunished here on earth. I may never see it but he does happened. I hope someday soon to stop taking about this, I promise.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2007): You are getting it. Nothing will be as bad as wanting and hoping for something that can never be. It's been 4 months and I still think of him and miss him, but I'm okay and you will be too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2007): Okay, I got weak and wished him a Happy Birthday by e-mail, a fews days late but I just had to , why I don't know. He did not remember me and we are 3 days apart, what does that tell you. I knew that he would not answer he has made no attempts to call me or e-mail me in weeks. Maybe it was my closure. What I don't get how can he say that this is a lasting relationship in one sentence and mow much he cares in another sentence and now, I don't hear from him at all. I know that I should be glad because most important he is married and has gone on with his life. Now, why is it taking me so long to go on with mine. It's been over a month and i miss dearly but you know it is not that as bad as a month ago. So, maybe I am starting to get it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2007): Get away from him if you can. I was with a much older married guy for a little over 3 years. He had children. At times I'd feel jealous of his wife because she had him, and at times vaguely superior because he thought of me in bed. He was kind of an aging hipster, an asshole, but funny and talented and I was so infatuated. He made me feel good, he made me feel like I was some gorgeous, smart, sexy young thing he couldn't get enough of. I was lonely and severly depressed and his attention/attraction made me feel...happy, something I wasn't sure could happen. He said from the beginning this was just for fun and wasn't "real"...he thought this could excuse any bad behavior and keep him from incurring any responisbilty for his actions.Over the first year I got less and less attention. I'd cry alone when he couldn't meet me, I'd feel empty when he would forget my birthday, I'd drink myself to sleep when he'd say he could never think about love, if he did, he'd have to leave his family so how could I even ask. I didn't even want him to leave, I just wanted to matter. Sure, we were compatible, yes I fell in love, but no I never should have been with him. He would tell me he'd never leave, why would he? He had a good thing. I would never get what I needed and he would always be more than satisfied. I broke up with him over and over and he'd win me back. Finally, about six months ago I decided to move on, not break up because that would prompt him to chase me, but just move on and spend my time with other people and fall in love with a good guy. I didn't allow myself to think of him and to romanticize the sordid sexual relationship we had. Soon he was the only one calling, soon I didn't answer the calls. Now things still aren't "over" but I don't see him and hardly speak to him. I just give him his line, "I really like you, but I'm busy." And now for me it's true.I'm no longer in love. When he calls me to tell me he's been thinking of me, it doesn't make my day, I don't bite my lip and smile. All the disappointments drove the desire out of me, left me dry. I'll always be fond of him, but all the inequity, the sadness, the dirtiness of screwing in his wife's SUV or having phone sex while his family was sleeping, and the waiting all that waiting for him to maybe sort of love me, finally got to be too much. Thank God.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2007): Well, its been 2 weeks since I have talked to him and 1 month since I have seen him, and I have stayed strong. no emails, no phone calls at work, because that the only place that I can call him. His birthday is coming up soon, and I was thinking should I call him or e-mail him, and say Happy Birthday, I have decided not to do either one of them, because if I do I will be taking 2 steps back, and he will say to himself I knew she could not do it without me. I have stayed strong and believe me it has been so hard, I care for him so much, but I know if I don;t do this now, I will never do this. I know to that he sees I have not done either of the above, maybe he is also wondering what happened to me. everytime that the phone rings I wish that it was him, but I will not pick up the phone I have to prove to myself that I can do this. I know someday he will be looking for me after what he said that Saturday, when he gets his stuff in order, by that time I hope that I am completely over this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2007): I believe all of us will have a similar stories on all these married man...Every steps every moves are decided by ourselves...It's alwys hurt to know that he is still in good terms with the wife but only excuss given was for the sake of their child. Well, frankly I believe most of us are just forcing ourselves to believe that's the truth, in fact we are not facing the truth at all, as he do not belong to us at all. So what he enjoy having sex with you than the wife, no words from them can be trusted, as time past, u will just be someone that they will cling on for the sick of clinging on cos he know that we will never leave him. I am stuck too... I wanna leave but can't bring myself to do so...he used to be with me every single moment but as time past....as the kid grow older.....be it mistress or lover...we are alwys an outsider in his life....trust me girls if u r in this situation, if u still not really so involve with your married man, LEAVE NOW. If not you will be like me, struggling to leave. To be frank I am still with him now but my heart is breaking every now and then as everything starts to change as days past....and the fellings of heart aching is terrible....really terrible...
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2007): Well, I tried really hard this time, but not hard enough, but again I failed. 2 weeks went by I did not call him or e-mail him and just 1 call Satursday, I picked up and I went back to where I began. He told me everything I needed to hear, I told him why I acted the way I did and there we were again like noithing happened. I am the one that knew he was married for many years. I had been so strong it has been an emotional roller coaster. I changed my e-mail address why just to give him the new one. He called Saturday, and a couple of time there after. How many times do I have to get literally slapped in the face for me to stop this. My sister was upset and she had every right she said everything that I had done all that talking was for nothing but she has never been in a situation like this one before so she does not know the feeling. My girlfriend said so you took 2 steps back, now again go 4 steps forward. It has been 3 days now since he has called me, again here I go again, I have not e-mailed him or called him just like a few weeks ago,
Why is it so hard to let go? I missed the most talking to him everyday, he called until he found me. Since this has began in January it has been an emotional roller coaster. I have read so much about this and why this is wrong, Why can't I just get it. Again, if the times comes again I have to stay strong and not talk to him, but have I gone through this before, all because I just picked up the phone to hear his voice., all that performance that I did that Saturday was for nothing or maybe it was for something, he knew if he waited it out I would go back to talking to him like nothing really happend. Maybe he is trying to tell me by not calling me for these 3 days that maybe he got it and knows that this is wrong. I will try again so far I am doing what I did 2 weeks ago, Just try to stay strong, I would just like for him to call one more time and me look at the caller ID and look at it like it is a wrong number and not get it. I know that I can do this now I just need to do it. Eventually I will get this, the pain is so intense, by talking to him Saturday gave me hope, hope for what?For nothing, I just have to get pass this, If anyone can please tell me how to stay strong, please tell me, I know that I have to do this myself, and I will I have to just quit feeling sorry for myself and go on. I have put myself in her shoes, I have thought about him going to bed with her every night and most likly making love to her, I know all these things are wrong. I make it sound like he is the only man alive for me, again as I said earlier this is why I never dated for such a long time, because I did not want to get hurt and yet he is hurting me eveyday of my life since this began. I have not tried the "Have you forgotten you are married" I believe he has, you see he see no wrong with this as he told me once before this is a game to him. and I might have to use it, and tell him why I acted the way I did Saturday a few weeks ago, was not because I wanted more time, it was because he is married. Maybe I do need to tell him that. That might be what I need to say if there is a next time. I hope next tme I write it has been weeks and I can tell you all that I did it, he had not called, and I have not either, I know that I have to take it one day at a time, and I know that I will get there.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2007): 6 mos. It's officially been a little over 6 months and I'm basically cured! Whatever residual feelings I have are easily squelched. For a while there it was rough. All I wanted to do was listen to sad songs, read old letters and lay in bed dream and dwell. I was holding on to all I had left of him...my heartache, which was the only way I felt like I could feel close to him. What turned everything around? Well, first thing is time, and unfortunately there is no way to bypass it. General rule of thumb w/any relationship...it takes half as long as the relationship to get over it. It went on for a about a year and 6 months later....well here I am. Second thing that helped seal the deal, I began to actively try not to think about him when I realize that I was doing something I hate to see other people do...FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF. So when he comes to mind and I want to dwell - I don't let myself. Out loud, I say to my self, "I'm done, ENOUGH!" I saw him the other day, and it didn't ache like it used to. I saw him as he is - an ordinary man that can't be that great of person because I what he put me through and what he almost potentially put his wife and children through. I left and didn't look back, when I pulled away from his office and my thoughts drifted from seeing him instead of obessessing about every word, look and detial of the encounter, I knew I was free. As part of my NON-DWELLING practiceS I won't be writing or reading this blog anymore, I wish you all the very best, but it's time for me to move on. So stay strong, stay away from him, know that to overcome this - it is you who has to make the decision to take control of your life and be the one to let go first! You can't depend on him to make it easy for you...he won't. ~J
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2007): Is sounds to me as much as you are hurting, you are willing to stay. If not for yourself, for him. He is getting the best of both worlds and you are getting nothing in the long run. Aren't you worth more than this? What if you were his wife? What if she found out? How much worse do you think it will be then? You need to get out of this bad situation. He is not changing anything for you yet you are altering your entire life to keep him content. I say, forget that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2007): To the woman with the 3 girls, I am sorry that this has happened to you, yes, we do caught up with all of this madness and the sad part of this when it is over we are the ones that are left holding the bag. The sad part these clowns don't see anything wrong with this, please hang strong, talk to someone if you need too, try not to carry this all by yourself, The hard part is that you will be reminded daily of all of this when he calls and see's your girls. I too have finished relationship with a married man, he has called me and tells everything that he thinks I need to hear, but after reading everyone's writing in this forum, I have been stronger in not believing everything he said. I will be thinking of you in my prayers, and don't look back, go forward, you will be a better person out of this, and remember it will only hurt as long as you want it to.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2007): I have been in a 10 year relationship with a married man. When the relationship happened i did not know he was married. I am 45. He is 54. There was no noticible reason for me to beleive other wise. He spent nights with me. Came to my house when i needed him and played a great father to my children. They adored him. He was there holidays and everything. He even brought me rings took me on vacations. I was love struck by this man. We talked about everything, 5 yrs later i was told by my doctor i could not get pills to prevent pregnancy because of my age and the risks invovled when you smoke. So i told him about this and was told that he could not father children. To not worry about it. So here i go not preventing a pregnancy. One month without the pill i got pregnant. Not only one baby. Three to be exact. I almost killed myself over it. I phone him at work i was so upset. I thought i had the flu or worst. I told this man i was pregnant. At the time i did not know it was triplets. He asked me if i thought that i could carry a baby at my age. I said yes but you told me you could not father any children. He swore that he got fixed years ago. He already had 4 adult children by his ex wife. After that shock i wondered what other secrets that he kept from me. I started to ask questions. When the questions came he started to stop seeing me as much. In the last 6 months i only have seen him 2 hrs a night. The fights started happening and the pain and the hurt started to kill my person. Oh let me fill you in. I have 3 daughters Jada, Jayleen, Jacourtney. They were born Christmas day. They are 5 years old. He was there for the birth and he does pay support for our daughters. But what i hope to let woman with married men no is. Yes it's a dream come true, and he seems to be the one. But you will come in last to his other family. The pain is terrible. I did not find out this man did not have a exwife. He had a wife and was leading a double life. After 5 yrs and even finding out he was married i still tried to hang on. I loved this man with all of me. It hurt to bad to break it off with him. I had babies to take care of. He was the reason i was were i was at. I still to this day cannot figure out how he fooled me. His family and his freinds came to my house. How dumb am i. Well one month ago he called me to tell me he did not want to be with me. He did not love me and he was going to try and work things out with his wife. It killed me. I felt so alone and i still do. I hurt all the time. I cry alot. But i will get over this. No his wife does not no about our daughters. I will not call to hurt her she has done nothing to me.Why make someone else hurt like i do. Since he decided to end the relationship i take one day at a time. He even tonight asked me to sleep with him and i said no. I will not be used or hurt by this man again. I refuse. He comes by everyday to see the girls. I stay to myself why they are bonding. I could destroy him. I could make her divorce him but what would i gain. Nothing at all. Him he's not worth it. Do i love him still. Yes with every breath i take. Does he love me. NO never did. He loves himself to much to love anyone else. I think he only come around just to see if i have moved on with someone else. I think he will get his in the end. I'm bitter and sick over everything. But i got to be strong for my kids. Thanks! for listening
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2007): I was there. Office, love, marriga. RUN AWAY. Took a long time to rocover. RUN AWAY please. He loves only himself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2007): Empty and alone, I know that ugly feeling and that is all that you are ever going to get. When my married lover would leave me I would feel so sad and awkward, just like you, that I felt used, like a prostitute. I would say I am not going to do this anymore and then he would call or send me love songs in the e-mail or call me many times a day and then I would melt and here I would go again. I can tell you that that feeling will never go away no matter what. Keep in mind if he is cheating on his wife he will do it to you. What ashame we all fall in love with losers, the sad part about all of this they see nothing wrong with this. Now, heres comes the the difficult decision, do you keep seeing him, or leave while you can? Wouldn't it be better for you to be the strong one and leave. He is not going any place but back home to his wife, with my situation I am here along after breaking with him last week. I am still waiting for that phone call and for him to come and say I am sorry let's work this out. but no I am here still byself and no phone call, no e-mail nothing. I still expect the phone call, and every morning I check this see if has e-mailed me after the fiasco last week, my friend tells me after my great performance that his wife looked pretty good to him. I hate him, but this was my fault too, I knew better. Please, leave before it is to late, or this could go on for years. He is 62 so he doesn't have many years left, you have your whole life. Chalk this up as a learning experience. Please, don't let him to be the up that breaks this up, because it will hurt more. Read my story I was the one with the married man that is married for 35 years. am 57 and married man is 58, so you see I at least should of known better, but we get so caught up with the attention. I have not heard from him in over 7 days now, as I said I e-mail frist to tell good-bye, than to tell him if it is okay to email him to see how he is doing and then to tell him about some problems I was having here at the house, did any of that bunge him, no! and this is the one that said he cared a lot for me and till the last visit he said that he loved me, imagine if he hated me how would this be.The only thing positive about this is I have not myself tried to even contact him. I too have to show him hat what I said I meant business that I did not know how long I would take this, again in one instance I e-maile good-bye and in the other I will call me and that I am a phone call away.Be strong and leave the sooner the better, as I said the hurt will only be as long as you want it to be. It's takes time I was only in this 5 months and it hurts and I cannot even imagine being in this for years. Talk to someone who will listen and not judge, you can not carry the ball by yourself it is too painful. Good Luck, stay strong and make to right decision for your own sanity sake, and please what ever you do please do not get pregnant, it will only complcate things more. Good Luck !
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2007): I am completely in love with a married man too. I have never told a soul, until now. It's complicated. He is 62, I am 29. He is my doctor. Its crazy, I know....but I fell in love with him a year ago, almost instantly. He is my confidant, my friend, and he is tender and loving. He never criticizes me or puts me down, and he is always on my side. I am married too, in fact, my husband was the one who introduced me to him. Anyway, last week, on Memorial Day, I called him and asked if I could meet him, so I could talk about a problem. We met and I confessed my feelings to him. I told him that I was in love with him and even though I knew it was wrong, I couldnt help my feelings. He asked me if I wanted to go to bed with him, I said yes and we did. We ended up at my house, my husband out of town and we made love. It was amazing but he had to leave right away and I felt so sad afterward. I feel empty when I am not with him and alone. I know he will never leave his wife. It hurts. I am kidding myself to be in love like this. Love hurts. I want to continue this relationship but I know it is wrong. I think about him 24/7 and fantasize about being the only woman in his life. He knows how much I love him. I know he loves me too....its just so complicated. It will never happen. I just want to cry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2007): Oh dear, I know exactly what you're going through. I've just come out of a year long relationship with my married boss, who is 20 yrs my senior. Like you, we were (are) so in love, but in the end when it comes to the crunch, he would not leave his wife and kids for me. I just don't figure enough in his life. Yes, it would be great if I could have continued to fill that void, the passion, love, excitement that people don't get with their longterm spouses. If I could've he would've continued as he wasn't losing out on anything.But it's not enough for them to leave - their security, financial status, respect of family, colleagues etc all have higher priority. If you don't get out now you will continue to fill a void in his life, but what about the massive void in yours? I am heartbroken at present, it's only been five weeks and I see him every day. it's so tough. But I know that my heart will heal one day. And it's not about self esteem and all that rubbish, it's about who you fall for. You fall inlove and that's it, wham bam you can't do anything about it. But be strong. YOu owe it to yourself to find a life and a love for yourself, someone who will be there 100 percent for you, not someone for whom you are a crutch and an escape mechanism from the mundaneness of normal married safe and secure life. Please get out,don't wasteany moret time. You deserve better, you really really do. And somewhere out there is a man just waiting to share happiness and love with you. Go find him.
Hugs to you all who are in this situation. We will all get through it girls, we are made of strong stuff in the end.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2007): i'm working in the same company with hem and he is my boss, i have to work with hem daily. im 24 and he is 43 he is married and have kids, we had eye contacts and kind of attraction for two months from now but we started talking from a week claiming that we r close friends but i believe its not going that way, he insist that we can be close friends for ever but he act like we r in love and i feel like what u said he is my soul mate, he told me that he would do any thing to make me happy. i want this attraction to stop, i feel guilty allready and its wrong but i dont want to lose hem and he is my boss. i dont want to fell in the same pain u all faced (im sorry for that) coz i started to. so what should i do, can i really be only his close friend. please help
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2007): I to have broken up with a married man after 5 months. I knew that he was married at the beginning in fact he told me he has been married for 34 years. We started e-mailing each other, phone number I gave him mine and we started talking. He would send me love songs all the time songs that said that he cared and could not do without me. I decided to meet him at a restaurant after we ate he said let's go get coffee we drove to a parking lot and parked never got off and then he reached over and kissed me and said that he had liked me when we were young and he been waiting for this kiss for many years. Of course I was a gag-gag land you see I have been divorced for 15 years since my marriage had been so bad I did not date anyone by choice and he knew it, he knew that I did not have any relationship with any man for 15 years, no sex no nada. So, he took advantage and I let him.He took me to his house and shame on me for being there and he kissed me again in his own house and he would tell me how horny he was I was kissing him, we sat on a chair and I was letting him touch me he wanted me to meet his wife and family I said if we crossed the line I could not and then I said I wanted to make you happy. He said when I said that He knew that I was going to have sex with him. I did not hear from him for one week I would e-mail and nothing and then he called and said that he wanted to see me and I said yes. He was calling everyday from work, if I was not here he would call every hour on the hour until he got me. I would talk to him every night for hours but he seemed that the conversation always was talking about sex, I would say Let's talk about my favorite subject sex. Now really it is not my favoirte subject but because I knew that he liked it I told him that.I was seeing him every other week-end his wife works only on week-ends. I only saw him 9 times in 5 months just think about that but I did not care because he said that he cared alot for me I dont know how he was able to talk to me from the house very night at times 3 hour per night. I ran out of things to talk about because he is so quiet and just listens. THis is the 3rd time that I have asked him leave he thinks that I am in a mood swings and see nothing wrong with this, I did not want him to go I stood in front of the door 3 times because I wanted him to stay, I wanted him to say Let's work this out I said that I would have made him a good wife 30 years ago, an he would never find anyone that would he would care about him like I do, right! But is he here now of course not he is at home with his wife.We even said that we loved each other for the first time. But he finally said that he could not give me 100% that was what did it. I was having an affair with a married man a 58 yr old man Everything was his schedule I had to be here when he called I did not want to miss his phone call becuase if I did I miss his call would not to talk to him till the next day. He was in phone sex with me. This the 3rd time that I told him I could not do this anymore I am 2 in line, when he came here to have sex even though he said that this is was what this is about I knew better . I emailed him telling him I will always be here for him after I told him to hit the road and there I was still wanting a reaction but he has not responded its been 6 days ago, maybe he got the hint or maybe I got the hint. This was a mistake and I knew it we all deserve to be first but sometimes in these men crazy minds they only think with one thing. I miss terribly but I know that I am a beter person for doing this and I will survive nothing good would have come of this. he wanted a everything for years to come. Everyday I get better and stronger and if the times comes as my friend say he will try again becaus he know my weaknesses, I hope that I can be strong enough not to get the phone or email him So far I have not and he has not either. I will not do this again, I would rather be by myself than to be in this nightmare. Be strong the sooner you get out the better it will hurt but it will only hurt as much as you want it to and then you will move on to bigger and better things.
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reader, StarGazer78 +, writes (1 June 2007):
 I wouldn't recommend doing this to anyone. The heartache is unbearable, I've been there. I was suicidal. I am out of the affair now but it took so long to get over him, letting go was so hard. Most of them don't leave their wives. For more advice go to http://www.the-other-woman.com, they will help you. There's articles and support forums.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2007): The married man I love has made the decision to go back to his wife and try to mend their marriage. "For his kids" he sys. And I suppose I agree with him, the kids are very important, they wouldn't want to see their parents divorced. So now I sit back and face the heartache I knew was inevitable. He still calls me, professes his love and tells me he misses me. I try so hard to give him subtle excuses not to see him. I DO want to see him, but then again, not having to deal with the on again off again b.s. is such a relief I am glad he chose his wife. Our life would never have been stable or healthy. He has been trying to seduce me since he went back to his wife. I would love to see him, but then again NO. In the end he will flip flop and go right back to her. I dont want to deal with that anymore
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2007): I fell in love with a married man. I didn't know he was married at the time. When I found out I felt foolish, stupid. As though I should have known. I had after all known him a year before hand from our working situations, however he never wore a ring and I never heard or recalled hearing of a wife. I ran into him one night when my best friend (a much younger coworker, also a man but not anyone I would be involved with romantically) and I were out at the movies. We were in line and I recognized him from work and said hi and some comment about "small world". He never introduced the woman he was with and me and my best friend and he exchanged a few words. After my friend and I left the line I asked if he knew if that was his wife or not? They didn't look like they "fit" or belonged together muchless like they were comfortable together. I don't know, in retrospect I know there was a spark even then between us but it was disturbing as he was there with her and he interpreted my being there with my best friend as our dating!! Anyway, over the next several months he made it a point to say hi at work and sought out ways to have a chat here and there and I have to admit, I didn't mind his smiles. over time he invited me to join him for breakfast after work, not an unusual practice as we work nights and many coworkers will go out together after work and it's never anything more. However there was something between us deeper and we both felt that. I did ask if he was married at this point and he said no. I clarified several times. There were complications due to our positions at work however how often do you get the opportunity to meet that someone special? So I took the chance to find out what this was. When he told me he loved me all was promising and right and bright in my world only to be shattered one morning when I got a call from his wife. I pieced things together, he confessed, I died inside. I was shattered. I broke up, tried so hard to distance. I couldn't managed hardly a daily task muchless everything else I had to do as I was so torn up from this. I loved him deeper than I had allowed anyone in so very long. I had been married 14 years and divorced a couple years prior and I had been dating and in a serious relationship before this so this was not a rebound or something new, it was real, to me. It hurt so bad and when he left his new number to talk I called it and asked him why. We started talking and it was hard. I saw him and was shocked at how worn his features were. He missed me, was miserable he said. We got back together and long story short, this has gone on and off for quite some time now. After this particular time he was leaving his wife, we were "engaged" he took me shopping for rings. When the deadline date came closer and changes were not forthcoming I saw the writing on the wall and it hurt so terriblly. I made the moves to pull away. I loved him deeper than ever. When he again stood me up for a date on the weekend (always seemed to disappear on the w/e---wifey time) I went to his house and confronted him. His first words were "what are you doing here? My wife will see you". Does that sound like someone ending thier marriage?We were appart for a couple months. I never intended to be with him again. I just want someway to heal the pain. Eventually we talked, friendship started, but feelings were there, on both parts. He did tell me he was "again" in love with his wife. That he didn't love her before but they were in counseling and he had fallen in love again. And I asked, so what are you doing here? He admited to loving me and admited that counseling wasn't working at one point as well. What do you believe? Other than he's as confused as you are? I know some of his background and I suppose that has enabled me to enable him to continue this charade and I know that I could never trust him fully if we were to be together because I would always wonder if he was where he said he was at but I care also and I suppose his wife is in the same position. Anyway, I was out of town and he text msg me and I answered. A few mins later I get this msg his wife saw the msg, don't answer my phone. Nothing happens that night. Next morning I txt his phone, Good Morning. I want to know what is going on, if he's ok, what's happening. but I only say Good Morning. I get a text from his wife that he's No Longer at this Phone.What now? I hurt. My heart when I fell for him fell completely and despite all that my head knows, it still feels the pain. There is no shut off valve, no safety valve. I have tried to continue to date and converse with others as I am single and he knows this as I have told him as long as he's living in his situation I'm not going to place myself again in the position I did when we were "engaged". but the truth is, my heart is a one person heart, completely. I don't know how to stop caring either. But I know you aren't alone and though that isn't the happiest thought, it's comforting that someone else knows how you feel and that you are not a fool, only human. And to the poster above, I believe God does understand that. Just talk to God, He and time are the only salve to help. Hopefully there is someone very special, and very single and devoted out there for every one of us. God Bless. Crying by your side...........
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2007): I have been involved with a married man for seven years. He and his wife have been married for 10 years. They have no children.
At first we were just friends, but as time passed we grew closer. I love him very much and I believe he loves me. But that does'nt make things okay.
He has been "planning" to leave his wife, for the past four years. But there is always a last minute reason why he can't. A business deal, vacation, ballgame, family issues, hunting trips, golf, friends/family, weather. I've heard them all!!! Actually, he is planning on leaving in two weeks. He needs to tie-up a few loose ends. LOL
The truth is he will NEVER leave his wife. Maybe it's the money, or his social standing in the community, or maybe he loves her. I'll probably never know the truth. The fact is I've lost all hope. And I've grown tired of the excuses and long explantions.
I wish someone would have warned me about what I was getting myself into. I have no social life. I had a boyfriend in the beginning, but I broke up with him. And haven't dated since. I spend weekends, holidays, birthdays, and special events alone. He doesn't they go out to dinner, parties, movies, trips, vacations. And every year I tell myself it will be different this time next year. Well guess what? This time last year I was home alone on Memorial weekend, just like I am right now.
My advice is stop before anything gets started. And if it has started, stop before it goes any farther. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I have invested seven years and have nothing to show for it. No husband, no friends, not even myself. My life is a mere shell of existance, which is defined by him. What he wants, when, where. And then he leaves and goes back to his real life.
The life a married man has with is mistress/girlfriend, is not his real life. We are not part of that world. No matter what!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2007): Yes, In response to the question. I too have been entangled in the married man web. In response to another answer by a lady on the 21st of this month. I too have been with a Muslim here with the name of Muhammad whom hid his marriage from me. I now have his 3 month old daughter which he hid everything from me. I am in the law and that is the only way I found out anything. He is now trying to be with me, and I will not. I am afraid, but this guy is looking like the same guy this anonymous woman was talking about. I hope not. I am deeply in love with him, but cannot be with him. Please no matter what women, love yourself more than you ever love anyone else. God Bless
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2007): I to like many of the ladies in this article is in love with a married man. I came to a mutual agreement that i should end this emotional rollercoaster and move on with my life. But once I did i admit i felt relief but at the same time so empty. I dont know what kind of control this man has over me but it hurts!!! My situation is a little different than the ones in the articles. I lived directly across the street from my lover, and we became involved very quickly. Once I moved we continued to do what we had started, making me love him more and more each day. He was everything I ever wanted in a man, but I always knew he would never be my man. The longer I stayed in that Fantasy world the more tragic our break-up was. He is 11 years my senior and I thimk that may have alot to do with the control situation. Now, I just move on slowly but surely and pray that God will forgive me for being an accomplis to adultry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2007): how many of you had had your married man promise to spend time with you one Friday night or any other night of the week , and you sit around, preparing for you rmeeting....shaving, primping, making sure your sheets are clean and your hair smells fantastic, only to have him time and time again, cancel after he knows it's too late for you to make plans with your girlfriends or anyone else. It's Friday night memorial weekend and at 11:50 he was on his way, by 12:10 I got the call, his son needed comforting. He aske "Will you be upset If I can't come? I'm sorry" Well I lied and said it was ok, but it isn't. Now I am home and I want social company and I dont think that is wrong, so now what, after spending the entire day prepping for our time together. And then again i dont know how true the excuses are. Maybe he just doesnt want ot hurt me, maybe his wife finally came back tohim tonight, and he cant leave and he doesnt want to tell me because he knows how fast any man would scoop me up in his absence. What a shame a situaation like this is. They are like an addiction. You get so high when they are around and staring at you and complimenting you but then the let down is like the jones for a drug you are accustomed to taking in order to feel normal. The wedding ring is on the swedding ring is off. I am beginning to believe he saves his days one for me one for her one for me one for her, and he is watching to see how each of treat him on wither day. and he is judging, making his mind up every moment, like a hot and cold tap. Well he has me under thumb, i need him financially and i have his car, i know he cares for me but I want more than excuses. I feel like going out and telling him, look I just want to go out, you are not available....but this would tick him off. this life with a married man is a double standard. i want to read the rules, i need some rules, i try not to call him or be needy but my situation is a little different than most I need his support, almost like he is my boss. He is driving me to the bottle. I need a drink. Take my word for it, it aint good.;
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reader, mizc22  +, writes (24 May 2007):
 I am 25 and I love a married man that is 52, I know this situation is aweful, but i love him so much, everytime i yell and fight with him saying its over and i cant do it anymore, within a few hours we are talking again, I know it is wrong and I hate myself, but after being sexually involved with him for so long it is hard to let go, he makes me feel loved, we spend time together and he is also very sexy, but God knows I honestly don't want to be with him, it is wrong, he wants me to have his baby, but I am scared, I just dont know what to do, loving another womans husband is ruthless, heeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007): I am 25 and I love a married man that is 52, I know this situation is aweful, but i love him so much, everytime i yell and fight with him saying its over and i cant do it anymore, within a few hours we are talking again, I know it is wrong and I hate myself, but after being sexually involved with him for so long it is hard to let go, he makes me feel loved, we spend time together and he is also very sexy, but God knows I honestly don't want to be with him, it is wrong, he wants me to have his baby, but I am scared, I just dont know what to do, loving another womans husband is ruthless, heeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007): I am in love with a married man. I hve never been married myself and this is my second relationship with a married man. The last one actually got a divorce from his wife and we ended up living together. He abused me so badly and mistreated me, I never ever trusted him. EVER! It ended terribly, I mean horribly and you would think I would have learned. I am in love again and this man sometimes wears his wedding ring around me and sometimes not, I think it's his signal whether or not he wants to be with me or her that day. I know he struggles with his feelings for me and her, I know it tears him up inside, it can't be easy for him. And it is not easy for me. I knew it wouldn't be good, but I had no idea how much hurt could come out of it. Who really is happy here? His wife? Him? Me? Really who? Everyone ends up hurt in an extra-mrital affair. And yes it's true a married man will love you more than any single man ever could. Because the married man is so starved for respect, affection, kindness and the need to feel attractive and lovable. The kinds of things that get lost sometimes in marriage, these cheating men are so starving for, they will jump through hoops for you and you will fall IN LOVE like you never felt before. But when it's over or even before it's over someone will realize that this temporary enjoyment is very HIGH and then very LOW. There is no stability in it and maybe that is what some of us women who do this actually like. The HIGHS and LOWS. Terrible thing to go through, I am so sorry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2007): I have decided to move on and move away from the married man I loved..love..not so sure anymore.I am married too but soemwhere my heart belonged to soembody else. I think I was forcing my heart on him. His wife was away when I met him. We started off as friends, became lovers then I got married because he said he was wanting to give his marriage a chance and that he wouldnt walk out on his wife. Live went on I was married his wife came back..he was working on his marriage I too was but something was amiss. I wasn't letting go. I wanted him to be at my beck n call, wanted him to make me an integral part of his life and wanted me to be the most important thing in his life. he was good enuf to talk to me, comfort me but had to give priority to his wife. Justified and I obviously did not like that. Made him answerable, questioned him, raised fingers at his integrity, dedication and lotalty till today...he burst out. Reminded me of my mistakes my short comings my failures and my equal hand in this foul play and how he always listened to me and my shoutings. He was right. I was equally responsible for everything. Why and how was i making him and holding him solely responsible.He told me that my problem was that i was not willing to accept that things are to change and that they will. Reality hit me. He was right once again. I was always so proud of my practicality and judgement. I went all wrong. He was far more mature than me.I cried and cried not beacuse he dumped me because he enforced reality on me, something I was so running away from. I couldnt watch him go away from me. I was so insecure. I was not being fair to my husband, nor to myself and nor to this married man. There also came a time I wanted god to punish him. Somewhere i still do.But I realise today..there is no worth to this all. No result at all. it only has pain and giref. I wanna move on. I wanna let him go. want to accept that he was never mine.Cant hold on to him, he obviously will want to break free.I will be prudent to not push things further. It is only a road to doomstown.I wanna accept this. Accept that things have changed.I wanna make a difference. Get back to the happy chirpy me. Want to be back to the happy days of knowing my then fiancee and now husband. Keep this married mans feelings away from my heart and soul. He'll always be the first man I loved. Nobody forgets their frist love..and how much ever i try i will not be able to. Prudence is in moving on, by not making it difficult for him nor for me.I've moved on physically but emotionally I was still someone elses. Want to now move on emotionally too.For all those girls who are involved with a married man..hes not alone at fault, you are equally responsible.accept it and move forwward. There is no use in crying over spilt milk. Acceptance is the key to success...Go ahead and accept that there is no future and u deserve better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2007): I too was involved with an married man , but im married as well i`ve known this man for to years he`s a muslim " nation of islam that is" he was one of the reason why i started going to the mosque ten yrs ago, we had lost contact until my friends "ex friend" had been teling me about a guy named muhammad and how much she was in love with him blah blah blah... one day she did a three phone call and he told me who he was and reminded me that he had a lil oil and insinct shop right across the street from the mosque , then i was like 'I KNOW YOU" i still dont think he knew who i was until he saw me,anyway we started talking on a friend level i would alwasy tell my ex friend to leave him alone he`sw no good etc....
so likei was saying we started talking on a friend level then in the process we started liking eachother oh yeah keep in mind that he was seperated from his wifeand and hadhis own apartment and i had my own house my husband was in jail for a few months beside we were having major problems so i moved out my home moved in with this guy with my children we finally got a bigger house like 4 blocks away from his wife house at the time i didnt see her as a threat because she knew about me and he had like 4 children on her while they were married and to my knowledge they were through ......... " yeah thats what i thought it started out him speading nights like twice then one day she threw his son a b-day party and he never came back home for like a month i allowed him to come back home then he went back like after a few weeks , then on my b-dayhe came back home for like 4 weeks then he went back then finally i was liek enough is enough im not doing this back and forth and mess he wont come get his things his mother told me that he`s a muslim and she believes if he had it his way he would have her and myself and all his children all living up in one house together im moving next week because im so hurt by this whole situation and i vowed to never get involved with another married man again .. and ps me and my husband are back together and were working on our marraige.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2007): Wow, that is so amazing...I once thought of him as a Joy-stealer. I am a strong independent woman. Daily blessings are not lost on me and there many reasons to smile.But when I was with him, I started to lose that girl. I could be in crowd of my friends and a moments thought would bring me down faster than a tear could fall. Instantly lonely and sad...I stopped enjoying the things I loved. Because we worked together M-F I dreaded the weekends. They seemed to last forever. My day wasn't complete without some kind of contact from him. It was never enough though - I always felt like I was starving. When I'd see him alone or in public I wanted to devour him. The chemistry between us was obvious to anyone in a 5 block radius...but now 4 months later I've nutured that girl back to somewhere closer to who she used to be, albiet wiser.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2007): Wat J has written is so true and correct. I appreciate you J and wish I was as mature and understanding as u are. You are right when u say that being with a married man brings u more pain and misery than happiness. The misery far outweighs the happiness. Anger dominates and then emotions flow which are pushed away like they never had a place in his life. And we are left miserable again. I got angry and told him never to call me again...he didn't...I was shattered. It doesn't matter to him enuf... couldn't accept that. Couldn't come to terms with it. Went to beg for some place in his life again.Again I was taken for granted.Again I got angry, abused him and yet again went back to him. Kept crying to see myself deteriorate as a person. I was a strong person, he made me weak. It started reflecting on my health. I lost the charm, the radiance and most importantly my self, my smile. I would laugh a lot at a time. I had forgotten how to smile. All day at home, at work, in bed when I was next to my husband all i would think of is why is he doing this to me. If i have made him the core of my life why am I not getting the same treatment.I kept answering my own questions...coz u are not his wife. He is someone elses. If u cant be honest and loving to your husband dont expect him to be honest and faithful to you. I feel he has lost respect for me and thats why he doesn't care for u anymore. My soul purpose was to just catch him lying one day. Lying that he is busy at work when he is actually all cuddled to his wife. Wanted to catch him that things are bad for the 2 of them when they are actually not, till one day I realised that even if i catch him what am i achieving..answer was nothing. Why wait to catch when I already know. It will only hurt me more. I have decided to stop now. Stop running after him...The day I start respecting myself, everybody will start respecting me. I wont go back to him again. keep telling myself. I am strong. Dont let him make u weak.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2007): Just wanted to say that the last post was right on the money. Good for you for moving on, and with dignity. The part about dating others and being patient with them was really nice. It seems over and over we all have said that no one measures up to our married man. Hopefully one day all the pain and agony will be replaced by bigger and better things. Good luck ladies.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2007): 4 months
It's been 4 months and I still miss him...but it's getting better. He's been great as far as making himself scarce in my life. Of course female that I am, it hurts that it's been so easy for him. I wonder if he thinks of me still, love me and dream of me like I do him.
Recently I noticed little statue I gave him last year for his birthday had disappeared from were it used to be in his office and I wondered if he put it away or threw it away? It hurt, but didn't devastate and incapacitate as such a gesture would have before.
I'm starting to date again. Men still aren't measuring up, but I'm a little more forgiving and patient realizing everybody has different gifts and I'm not going to feel same with anybody as I did with him. That's okay, because someday the difference will be better, because let's face it he made me more miserable than happy.
Specifically to MinxLegs - In the beginning I cried for a week straight. It was over last Christmas and New Years. I thought the emptiness would never go away. It will, but it's very HARD and you have to hold on to the anger, bitterness, loneliness and sadness you feel all the time because of him. Build your walls with it. It's easier to remember the good times, but in this case you can't.
Don't talk to him. No matter what you think now - you can not be friends! Stuff you would normally go to him for DON'T!
-If he used to fix your car, call a repairman!
-If he e-mail and/or texted you everyday, tell him not to and that's it, don't respond at all for any reason.
-If he gave you advice on a social/professional level, realize you are a big girl and can take care of yourself - you don't need him.
You're picking up what I'm putting down. ANY interaction perpetuates the drama and hence the feelings. Be clear with him from the beginning and tell him he is HURTING you and if he cares at all about you, he will let you be miserable, leave you alone and let you get over it and move on. Because there is no hope - ABSOLUTLY NONE!
Which reminds me...don't dream of him. I used to lull myself with dreams of us. Find new dreams, focus on a new future without him.
~J
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reader, MinxLegs +, writes (4 May 2007):
 Well for me it has been only 3 days of NC, with the marries man i have been seeing for a year. It is so hard not to text or call and i miss our interaction, but..... I feel so strong and in control! For the first time in a year. He has been weak and tried to initiate contact but i have tried to ignor.
I am dying inside but know that this is the only way i can get through this, I dread bumping in to him because i know as soon as i lay eyes on him i will be in love all over again. But i find that if i remind myself of his unsuspecting wife at home curled up in bed next to him it helps to distance myself.... try it.
I will get over this
I will not contact him
I will not be a pyscotic ex lover
I will get on with my life
and unless he turns up with signed divorce papers i will not fall into his arms again
Good Luck
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female
reader, Keria +, writes (3 May 2007):
Double standards... double standards. The last comment before this was made by a woman who says "men that are married and cheat are dogs". But she herself was with one. Can we come up with a derogatory name for women who sleep with married men? Come on ladies, if we claim to have standards, let's not be hypocritical about them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2007): Ladies, I typed in a few words on google and got this site. I too am/was involved with a married man. We have been together for 4 1/2 years and he has decided to take a break. i could type forever and try to convince you all that he really loves me, but we all believe that they love us. the best advice I can give you and myself would be the following...if they cheat on their wives, they will cheat on us. Men that are married and cheat are really dogs. The problem is, if we continue to feed them scraps, THEY WILL KEEP COMING AROUND!!! We need to rise up and take a stand. I unfortunately have been raised by the curse of women in my family dating married men, and I need to take a stand now. I have a 17 yr old daughter, what type of example am I setting for her... NOT A GOOD ONE, I must change NOW!!!!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2007): Hi there.So disheartned with the way my life was going that i decided to find ways I should get over the married man I love. Am another of of u who is in love with a married man being married myself. He gives me a lot of crap too. Everytime I decide to break contact with him he pleads and begs me, and otherwise a strong person I fall for it yet again. My own husband loves me a lot, but an ungrateful me is yearing for someone who is not mine and who i think will never be. If I had to advise somebody I would say" GEt out of it at once, U are ruing 4 lives here" but i've realised its very difficult to practice what u preach. I have probably never cried as much. Cant imagine why I love a person who gives me so many tears. When I got into this I knew he was married. I wasn't married then. He kept telling me that his marriage was on the rocks and that he hadn't gone close to his wife for a while. While my heart believed him my head did not. HE would do verything to make her happy.Go for dinners, movies, vacations, come back and tell me that he did not enjoy any of that. Was lame but I kept falling for it.Whiltst I was still in love with him I got married with a hope that this marriage would help me get over my married man,but as much as he was persistent I kept giving in. Never got comfortable with him after I got married but I guess emotional atachment is far superior to physical attachment and makes things worse. So since I am attached to him emotionally than physically,i have decided to break contact. Unfortunately we have way too many common friends, but I haveto do it.He is presently out on a vacation with his wife. Told him that I wanted him out of my life. I hope it stays that way. I have decided that this is what i want to do. I am happy with my husband. he is way too nice. Did not want to lose this married man as my best riend, till I realised that he is my worst enemy. HE can never be my friend. Wanted to taech him a lesson but I guess I will never be able to. Have given up on hope that soemthing is in store for him and me. Accepted defeat and decided to move on. Do that too. Dont crave for it.Its not worth all the enery we waste. He is not gonna leave his wife for being in love with a another woman. WOuld I leave my husband in a similar situation,answer is no.The guilt would get the better of me. So leave him as a nice memory and dont hope something will materialise for u. It wont.Move on
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2007): To any woman out there caught up in the unavailable man situation...watch "Holiday" I think it came out last Christmas. I've never had a movie illustrate my frustations so accurately...best thing...there's a happy ending to the mess.
-Jody
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2007): 3 mos.
It's been 3 months and I still miss him. But, when the occassion arrives where I may have to interact with him I feel more dread than anticipation and when it comes to pass and I don't, I'm more relieved than disappointed. Because of my urging he does everything to avoid all contact.
Part of me is proud of myself, I never begged or believed their could be a future. I'm the one who called it off, never consumated the affair, nor did I jump to another man to sooth the wound, but then I wonder if his well honed powers of manipulation were just at work and he picked me specifically because he knew he could control me?
I supposed it doesn't matter...I'm just waiting for the day when I don't think of him, miss him, and don't care if he's 5 inches or 5000 miles away from me. When I just think of it learning experience, and not some romantic notion of unrequited love.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2007): The previous writer is quite correct. Feelings between people just happen, often quite unexpectedly and sometimes with the most unlikely people, but it is our challenge to not act upon them.
I too am in love with a married man that I work with. This evolved like many of you, over time and quite unexpectedly. However, I have steadfastly refused to act upon my feelings for almost a year now and it has been at times, pure torture. I have very carefully kept my feelings to myself and offered only friendship, making it quite clear that I will not become involved as long as he is married. I know he is in love with me too, but he has to sort his home situation out for himself.
I have gone through several ups and downs emotionally as he has been going through the rollercoaster decision making process. He recently told me he has finally decided to leave his marriage but he is leaving an unhappy situation for himself, not for or because of me. In the meantime, I will remain steadfast in my assertion that the price of admission into my life is that he is divorced, so only time will tell. If he changes his mind and decides not to leave, I will feel devastated as my hopes will once again be dashed, but this time I feel a calm sense of resolution, once and for all. In the meantime, I can hold my head high with my integrity intact because I did not compromise myself.
Stay strong and do not give yourself to these married men so that they can have their cake and eat it too. If they really love you, they WILL free themselves up to be with you, and they will not expect you to compromise yourself for them, because they care about you and your feelings more than they care about themselves. They won't expect you to accept scraps or be second best because they have too much regard for you. That is the essence of love. Anything else is just a sham.
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reader, hallothere +, writes (1 April 2007):
I want to thank all of you for sharing your stories.
I have become very good friends with a married man at work. He has always been very complimentary, and makes comments indicating that he is jealous of men I am dating. I have always laughed off his flirtations because I never would allow myself to develop feelings for a married man.
Or so I thought. But I just realized how attached I've become to him emotionally, and have started to notice how the the slight "physical brushes" and bod language indicate we are in DANGER zone.
Reading your stories realized that I really need to pull back from this man, to protect both of us.
I have respect for the institution of marriage-- although I am single-- and most importantly, too much respect for myself to take 2nd place.
HOWEVER, I would like to point out to the few self-righteous people out there that life is complicated. Yes, there are choices to make, but sometimes you indeed develope real feelings for co-workers and friends, even when they are married.
You cannot subvert feelings that are there-- and it doesn't make you a terrible person for having them. Do you really think that your husbands stopped feeling for other women? Have YOU really stopped being able have feelings for other men? No. I suggest that you are careful about deluding yourself into thinking otherwise...It is a choice-- but not always a black and white choice to make.
I plan to pull back from this married man, whom I hope would never act on his feelings or mine...but just to be safe...I am going to start distancing myself.
Thank you for helping me to take a look in the mirror, ladies.
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reader, hallothere +, writes (1 April 2007):
I want to thank all of you for sharing your stories.
I have become very good friends with a married man at work. He has always been very complimentary, and makes comments indicating that he is jealous of men I am dating. I have always laughed off his flirtations because I never would allow myself to develop feelings for a married man.
Or so I thought. But I just realized how attached I've become to him emotionally, and have started to notice how the the slight "physical brushes" and bod language indicate we are in DANGER zone.
Reading your stories realized that I really need to pull back from this man, to protect both of us.
I have respect for the institution of marriage-- although I am single-- and most importantly, too much respect for myself to take 2nd place.
HOWEVER, I would like to point out to the few self-righteous people out there that life is complicated. Yes, there are choices to make, but sometimes you indeed develope real feelings for co-workers and friends, even when they are married.
You cannot subvert feelings that are there-- and it doesn't make you a terrible person for having them. Do you really think that your husbands stopped feeling for other women? Have YOU really stopped being able have feelings for other men? No. I suggest that you are careful about deluding yourself into thinking otherwise...It is a choice-- but not always a black and white choice to make.
I plan to pull back from this married man, whom I hope would never act on his feelings or mine...but just to be safe...I am going to start distancing myself.
Thank you for helping me to take a look in the mirror, ladies.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2007): Well, I did it! It has been one week since my married boyfriend and I had a falling out. I posted earlier about my situation and was so hopeful that I would be chosen over his wife. He obviously didn't have it in him to make me that special person in his life despite all of his promises. I am hurt because it ended so badly after a year and a half, and shocked too. It all apparently meant nothing to him, or else he would be here with me. The words he spoke to me mean nothing, he probably said all of those wonderful things to his wife the second he went home to her after being with me. I am angry that he could throw away the relationship we had, the one that I thought was so perfect. He has not had any contact with me at all, and we used to talk multiple times a day. He is probably wallowing in self pity. I hope I used this as a lesson on self respect. The other women on this page have been so comforting with their words. I re-read your posts often. Let their wives be stuck with the booby prize and we will summon the strength to move on. Every kind word or look we mistook for love was actually part of a tangled twisted web of deceit and lies. Once we are smart enough to stand up for ourselves is when they begin to feel defeated and have to move on to someone else in a vulnerable state of mind. Good luck to all and thank you so much.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2007): Almost two years now! Yes! And he encourages me to see other men and I go out on dates and they bore me to tears compared to him. Twice I have broken it off and changed my phone number...lasted two omnthes one time and finally called him. Three weeks this most recent time. The times when I am not seeing him or taling to him are like a death in the family to me. I feel like I am grieving. I worry about him too. I try everything to move on. I know all the right things to do. How to keep myself busy. Beef up my support systems. Exercise. Eat right. Get plenty of rest. Not listen to sad music. I am a master's degree therapist for God's sake. We don't even live so close to each other that we see one another that often. It has evolved into a more of an emotional need now. A deep friendship. I am not a deeply releigious person but I have a relationship wiht God and pray. For a long time now I have prayed for God mend his marriage and remove this addiction for him from me. And then this question comes to my lips. Why God do you let us meet our soul mates only to make it someone we cannot have?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2007): The best advice is to walk away, delete his number don't email, text, phone and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES try and be friends or be around him in any sociable occasion ever and I mean ever! You probably have lots of friend, friends that don't make you feel like c**p. So go see them. 99% of you all sound miserable, half of you are dating men you wouldnt give the time of day to looks wise if they were single and most of you realise you deserve to be treated better. So why are you doing it???I've been crap as everyone else I guess I'm doing the ex-smoker thing in the married men department so apologies But I'm sharing my lightbulb moment so you'll sort your lives out too. I've just stop seeing a married man and all of the above applies to me and then some. I've cried and said to myself oh I love him but as I look back was i addicted to him or the attention he gave to me?? I read these stories and I sympathise - easy to get into - hellish to get out. I had all the "my wife doesnt sleep with me or show any affection", the snatched moments which made me feel more alive and loved than ever, before, but it was all just a fantasy. If I saw him day in day out as a boyfriend I'd probably realise we didnt have much in common. If we did ever get together, his wife would always be there as he has children and how easy would she make the life of the woman who split up her family? You can't pretend she's not there, or fail to acknowledge all the feelings and emotions that being cheated on could bring her. You are being selfish at another woman's expense, however horrible she is meant to be according to the man who supposedly loves her. She isnt going to disappear and at the end of the day, even if he thinks it's a mistake now, he loved her enough to marry her. Is he offering to marry you?? Unfortunately as with many of you I work with him and i know myself enough to know that however much I know its wrong and bad for me I'm going to end up right back with him unless I stop being so sweet and accommodating and sympathetic and listening to his poor me stories. So thanks to everyone who is sharing these stories - look and see that everyone is virtually saying the same thing. Few people are saying "I'm dating a married man and it's wonderful and I'm happy every moment of every day, of every year - you should try it."Married men are weak, if they've done it to their wives they will do it to you. Find a nice single man or become a nun - either way you will be a lot happier without the guilt, lying, shame, longing and settling less than 100% of someones time! You deserve better, just bloody believe it and walk away! If I can do it - as weak, stupid and naive as I am, so can you!!!!It's time to realise your mistakes and stop making them and get over these guys. If you haven't been found out yet you will - 95% of affairs do. And it's horrible and you will feel ten times worse than you feel now believe me. Unless you respect yourself they never will - they don't have to! They've got you right where they want you, worshipping at their altar, so why should they ever change?And to be honest ladies though you may convince yourselves they are different and are really nice, lovely, genuine guys they are still being dishonest. And anyway half of them are short, bald and fat or ugly (or all four) and I bet you are all glamourous, beautiful women who always look their best, wear nice underwear and shave your legs. If he loves you then someone else will, but only if you are free to let them. Don't waste your precious youth and beauty sitting by the phone waiting. By the time he leaves the wife you'll both be heading up the aisle on zimmer frames.Good luck - trust in God. If you walk away and break all contact and its meant to be, then eventually he will find a way to be with you. But let him track you down a couple of years later, as a single man who is divorced, moved out and over her. That's if by then you still want to be with him. In the meantime get on with your life. Make it as happy as you can without him and I mean WITHOUT HIM!x
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2007): Girls, as all of you I am in love in a married man that says that doesn't have a phisical relationship w his wife and etc. For now, I am trying to be his friend. We talk every day but I am avoiding to see him face to face. I am doing a lot of yoga and reading. Taking my mind way from him. I think that if he loved me for real he would move on with his life, but he doesn't want to leave the confort of his life. He is the nicest uy ever and he tell me that he would never lie to me. We all know what a uy would do for sex right? I am not naive. I am good looking, fun, love sports and have a nice life. Is not time for me to be around him. Is time for me to try to move on with my life. I have to think that if I get sick he can't expend a night with me. I will never have holidays or mmet his family. Love for someone else can't be bigger then the love for myself. I am repeating that for me every day! If i hang around I will supply the exitement that is missing in his life I am just helping him to stay in his mediocre marriage. We need to make a plan a follow the plan. Also have faith in destiny. If mean to be he will be back.....and be with me. I did my part and made clear that I would be with him if I don't need to share him. We deserve better! Best luck for us all.....
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reader, wasnt thinking +, writes (9 March 2007):
I still cant believe I did this! A married man? WTF was I thinking? I fell for all the cliche's."I haven't been happy in years" "The soul mate thing" You name it, he said it. To be honest, I'm rather embarrassed. I have attempted small things to bring this to an End. After reading all of your posting, I feel like I have more power to get out, and stay out!
Thank you so much for your honesty and willingness to share your stories. Please wish me luck! I'm putting this plan in motion 1st thing in the morning.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2007): What is most shocking is the lack of contempt for the "Other" spouse, be it Male or Female. A lot of what I have read here harps on about "How "I" feel, How it effects "ME", and hardly a mention made to the person that you are cheating on respective other half. Outside of being rediculous, you should be ashamed of more of your self centered approach. It is no wonder that there is a lack of display for remorse based on How the other party of the married person you are having an affair with would feel. You get what you give is all I can say.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2007): 2 months
With the avoidance/non-confession approach to the situation I have be holding out for 2 months now. Sad and missing him though I may be - I'm okay and sisters being OKAY might not seem like much but it is a far cry better than the ache I feel in my heart everytime he used to walk in and out of my life. I KNOW he will never be mine, but I AM OKAY...and I will move on from this. Someday he will be just a sad memory that only stings a little when he comes to mind. Thinking of him will be rare, because life moves along and I'll have moved along with it.
Stay stong ladies, just remember the saddness of letting go today, means finding a true and lasting love that is just for you.
-J
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2007): To all the ladies out there who are suffering because of their love/infatuation with a married man, my suggestion is to get a copy of a book called The Rules and follow the guidelines for relationships with men religiously.Do the "Rules" and one of two things will happen. Either he will leave his wife for you because he really does love you and can't stand the tension of being without "The Creature Like No Other" that you will become if you do the "Rules", or conversely, you will feel a whole lot better about yourself because of doing "The Rules" and your increase in self esteem will give you the confidence to break it off and seek an AVAILABLE man who will be attracted to you because you are a "Rules Girl". The "Rules" REALLY works !!!By remaining in the relationship with him, you are providing the emotional support, sex and excitement that he is missing in his life with his wife. Therefore, you are making it bearable for him to continue on in an unhappy marriage, because you are meeting his needs on the side. He simply does not have the impetus to leave his wife and risk his finances, disappoint his children, lose the respect of his parents etc. etc. etc. as long as you are continuing to meet his needs.You don't want to "steal" someone else's man do you? Do you really want to empower men that much and in the meantime disempower your fellow sisters? Women become their own worst enemies when they give over their self esteem, dignity and integrity to men.The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour, so remember, a stolen man can be stolen. Sorry to say, but reality check, you are simply not that special, nor is your "love". There is always going to be someone else out there who is more beautiful, thinner, richer, smarter, accomplished, interesting, etc. etc. How can you ever be sure of him when your relationship is built on a foundation of lies, deceit and betrayal? You will ALWAYS deep down know how you got him and it will fester in your relationship like a cancer. He will always know you are a woman who has no integrity and boundaries, one who selfishly puts her own needs and desires ahead of anyone else (especially his children), you are afterall willing to be an interloper and try to poach him from another women and ruin her life and home. How will he deep down believe in you when he knows how he got you? This is the curse of the adulterer/adulteress.You want him to leave his wife because he is finished with the relationship with HER for all the varied reasons no doubt he has been complaining to you about, not because he wants to jump into a relationship with YOU as a means of escape/diversion. If he makes the decision to leave on his own, with NO interference from you, then your "relationship" may have a shot in the future once the dust settles and he has MOVED OUT and initiated divorce proceedings.Cut the contact off now. Avoid him. Use a journal as suggested by another writer to work through your pain. Do the Rules. You will respect yourself for it and deep down he will respect you for it too.The old adage is really true: "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it was truly yours. If not, it was never yours in the first place" Let him go sister. Do the "Rules". Shape up and love YOURSELF. Get some professional counselling to examine why you allowed yourself to compromise your mental health, self esteem, reputation, etc. for this man, in exchange for being second best and accepting table scraps of attention and sex on his terms.You ARE unique, beautiful and wonderful in your own right. Believe in this because IT IS TRUE. Otherwise HE would not have noticed you in the first place. You don't need him to validate you. Look in the mirror. You are worthy of love. You DESERVE a man who loves you enough to put YOU first - even before his children and finances. (Because if he really loves you he will figure out a way to be with you damn the financial consequences and AND be a great father to his kids).Peace and healing to you sisters...
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2007): Wow, I felt so alone in my mess...but after reading all the responses I guess it's not terribly unique. I wonder if we all stumble upon this page because we too are looking for a way out? In my mind I say to myseld...but he's so wonderful and the love we share is so special, but I guess it's just your average ordinary afair.
I'd share my story, but I read it over and over from the women above...
What I can't live with is the hopelessness of the situation. It is especially hard because he is a important client of my business and I can't get away from him.
What I practice these days is avoidance. Contact only to be allowed in a professional manner and since he is the boss, I tell him to delegate any and all work through someone else at his office.
What's key lately is the practice of no confessions. What has hurt me the most are the profound professions of attraction, desire, love and even marrige...to have a man say these things to me and call me beautiful is absolutely devastating because it means NOTHING.
I constantly am urging him to be silent and absent...especially when I'm being weak and sad. Nothing he does or says is going to make it better.
All these feeling and thoughts I used to share with him on a day to basis are not put into a journal. I write it like it's to him. They are like e-mails I never send. I have the get the thoughts out of my head and as I type it I have my own realizations about the situation...when I go back and read it, especially the parts where I was completely brokenhearted, it reminds the sadness I feel for letting go and lack of contact is nothing compared to the devastion of hoplessness.
So urge him to keep his distance and all thoughts and feelings to himself, tell him there will be times when you are feeling weak and he HAS TO ignore you. In turn communicate with him in the journal privately keep your feelings to yourself and NEVER tell him about the things you wrote. NEVER... I'm in the midst of this, and so far it's working well, I'm hopeful (first time in a long time) I'll keep you all updated.
Good luck to you!
~J
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2007): Girls...ditto ditto ditto! Except I went into the relationship just wanting sex... I was HARD TO GET..an office chum turned into a big 1.5 yr sexual, exhilarating, exciting affair. Yes we in the end are used up, crazed, desperately seeking that attention from them, while they go home to their wife and children every night, completely oblivious to what we're going through alone. Men and women are wired differently. They can handle the affairs because they are wired that way...we as women cannot. WE MUST MOVE ON AND LIVE OUT OUR LIVES LOVING AND RESPECTING OURSELVES! IF NOT WE END UP USED, DISCARDED, AND BROKEN!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2007): I have a similiar situation. The thing is that both of us are married...he doesnt live with his wife and children because he works in a different city. my husband is currently out of the country for the next 6 months. He is in the military and he has been away from home most of the year for the last 4 years. i finally got tired of being alone and met this man. he is wonderful, but cant be mine. we had nice times together and finally he said some things that made me mad enough to say it was over. i kind of regret doing that but we both know that nothing could ever come of the relationship. did i do the right thing? i miss him so much and want so badly to be with him...please tell me im crzy and that i will get over it....
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female
reader, Dawnie +, writes (11 February 2007):
 I am shocked at these questions. These men are married for gods sake!!!
Any married man that has an affair behind his wife's back is a louse. I am married, we have problems but not as far as affairs and cheating is concerned.
It's not ok to have sex with a married man/woman and if you fall for this person you only have yourselves to blame, i could never sympathise with people like you, just the poor unfortunate wife/husband that is with these cheats.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2007): I can't believe how many women are in this situation! I never in my life thought I'd fall for a married man...but I did. I'm going through a divorce right now that I did NOT want! My husband wanted it and my heart was torn form my chest because of it!! I met my married man at work as well. He was absolutley amazing! And he still is! I feel I fell in love with him because I was so vulnerable and hurt from what my husband did to me. He made me feel like I was the best thing in his life. He's told me so many times how his wife never showed him affection and love and that I was exactly what he wanted in his life. It's amazing how all these stories sound exactly the same! Well I've tried breaking it off twice now but my heart keeps running back to him and he is doing the same. We both keep trying to stop, but we just can't. I want with my soulmate, but my heart and soul wants to be with this man...I know he's not my soulmate but he holds everything I want and need from a man. He has said the same of me, how much he wants to be with a woman like me. It's sooo hard being in love with a married man and so WRONG! But at the same time, he is one of the best things in my life right now...What do I do!!! I just want to cry all the time. Love is so overrated and confusing! Why does it have to be this way...I know I can't do this forever. All I want to know is that he's my friend and that's it. But I know that everything that has happened between us will never be forgotten.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2007): I am so shocked by all of the women going through the same situation. I too, have been having an affair with my boss for a year and a half. It started out that I just wanted to have sex, because he is so good looking. My father left my mother for his mistress, so I am the last person you would expect to be in this situation. My boyfriend has two kids and beautiful wife who has no idea about our relationship. It is pathetic how I feel so grateful for any amount of time he spends with me outside of work. I have a six year old son and am divorced. i have dated countless men since my divorce, but no one is like him. He manages to make me feel like the prettiest funniest, most wonderful woman on the planet. But I guess If I was that wonderful, he would be with me. He has been looking at apts. but I don't know that he will actually make the move. I read somewhere that if your married bf doesn't leave home within 6 mths of your relationship, then he never will. I was just offered a job today at a different company. I am hoping this will either make him move out, or end my misery by walking away from him. I feel for everyone in this situaion. I guess it is an inner battle we all have to go through. Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007): Whoah. I've just been reading everyone's stories and sympathise with every word that has been said.
Me too! Here I am! And finally I can say I mustered the strength to tell my married man that enough is enough!I did that 2 days ago.
I ended our relationship after 2 years because finally it had become more painful to stay than I beleive it will be to live without him. The balance had shifted and I spent more time miserable than happy.
I was only happy when were together and spent the rest of the time second guessing what was happening in their relationship. I spent countless hours and days analysing everything he said to me, reading between the lines trying to discover his truth as he always would tell me he was confused, he loved his wife like a sister and now he had found true love, compatibility, fun, honesty etc etc with me and he didn't know what to do. He wanted children someday and I had already had mine and unable to have any more so a life with me would mean no kids and that added to his confusion OR was this just another excuse for not being with me.
I feel gutted sad and lonely today and I miss him desperately as we were worked together and were friends for 9 years attracted to each other and started a more personal friendship 5 years ago and then commenced our intimate bonded relationship 2 years ago.
He moved away 6 months ago and we talked on the phone several times a day and many text messages, I have seen him about 8 times since he moved, and it has all done my head in and my heart is broken BUT I have peace in my mind that I have done the right thing and I no longer feel like I am approaching emotional melt down, Yes I am sad but I feel in control.
All I know Girls is:
Don't spend another minute helping him live out a 100% happy life.
You are making it possible for him to stay in an unfulfilled marriage.
Make him accountable.
If he can fall for you someone else will too.
Take back control and discover what his true intentions are.
Believe in yourself.
The meaning of stupidity is to repeat the same behaviour and expect a different outcome.
Don't be tempted to txt or call him it will only reaffirm to him that you can't live without him.
Good Luck and You Go Girls
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2007): Iam in the same situation and as of today, I decided to call it off, not more second best, even though my situation is a bit different than yours since they are both living in separeted houses, BUT they have a job together and from 8 to 5 they ae together and for me is definetelly NO KOSHER............ I reached a point of my life that enough is enough!!! I must say that I needed him financially, and you know what I dont care if I have to pick up cans... to pay for my rent yes there is mixture of feelings (fear,freedom) but you know what in the end we need to find peace in our own SELF... and Self respect.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2007): Hello,
I am in the same boat as you! I met him at work and we started dating about after I started working there. When I met him I thought he was the best thing in the world. I thought that he was my soul mate. The only thing in my way was him being married. We decided to go out and then things got heated. After that we just couldn't resist seeing each other. We tried to end it in the beginning but that just didn't work. After that we stayed together for year and a half.
During this year and a half he told me how much he loved me and how I was everything he wanted in a women. We had all the same interests and had so much in common. Everytime we were together it would feel like there was nothing else in the world that mattered. He would make promise after promise about us being together and having a life with me.
Just recently he told me that he was leaving his wife and that he promoised that we would be together and he wouldn't leave me. Well just a day after that he then decided that maybe he should work it out and leave me and not be with me.
I am so heart broken over this. I have been talking to my best friend which really dosen't help because she really dosen't know how it feels. I have really just come to the conclusion that if he needs space then thats what i have to give him. i keep saying tomyself that if its meant to be than it will be. I just need to move on as quickly as possible and leave this all behind me. Its not easy loseing someone that you love to someone else.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2007): by the way, the last entry on 1/31 was submitted by a female, not male. sorry.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2007): I now realize that he never really did love me, appreciate me, or seriously consider a future with me. I was just his temporary escape. And, when he decided that he didn't need me anymore, he discarded me like yesterday's newspaper. Before, he complained about how his wife treated him, and how he felt obligated to stay in the marriage for the kid, but now he is saying that he has always wanted to be with her and insists that we "move on and put this behind us." So easy for him to say because it has always been about him, when I foolishly believed he really wanted me. I can't even tell you to what extent I stupidly bent over backwards to give him so much because I fell for him so deeply, even when I consistenly got so little or nothing from him.
The immeasurable pain, emptiness, feeling of worthlessness, unbearable loss, anger, feelings of rejection....all make it something to avoid like the plague.
The pain is just horrible, horrible. I feel dead inside.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2007): Hi there,
I have read all your threads, and to be honest, i then realized there is other people out there going thro what i am!! my story is similar, but with a twist.
where do i even begin.
I too met my married man at work. i remember when i first started that job, I hated him, i found him gross, he smelled, kind of, and his wife had just given birth to their second child, and he was trying to chat me up. I remember almost throwing up on him one time, literally, coz i coiudlnt believe a married man could dare try to talk to me in that way.
Anyway, i was dating a gorgeous guy then, and couldnt imagine myself with this ugly married man. but we ended up as friends, because i had surgery the next year, and he was the only one from my job that came to see me, and came with two teddy bears (how sweet) and flowers. i was sooo flattered. he actually came twice.
anyway, i started looking at him different, like a very kind hearted guy whom i could be friends with.
To cut a long story short, i broke up with my boyfriend, and i went to visit my married man just before my boyfriend and i broke up. so he kissed me, and i didnt resist. to me it was just a kiss, nice, coz i was suprised he could kiss that well, but didnt think much more of it. and then also i think i felt like i was punishing my stupid current boyfriend, for being such a bad person.
so thats how it started. one thing led to another and we slept together. he was GOOD in bed!! he even started dressing better, kept himself clean, bought new clothes, generally became a new man. and very lovable. so i fell deeply in love, like real hard.
this went on for abt 3 yrs. but then with time i started asking him if this was going anywhere, and like any married man, he gently let me off easy, saying no, it wasnt, he had to stay put for his kids. same scenario, wife would never have sex with him, didnt love him, treated him bad, yack yack yack. so foolish me believed him, stayed on, even tho he had clearly told me he would stay for his kids.
so i started acting strange, because i kept wanting to break it off. it was HARD, really hard. so i kept breaking it off, but somehow he would convince me and we would be back again. he knew i was weak for him, very weak.
anyway, i started thinking i need to get myself someone else, for a permanent r/ship. so an ex of mine started talking, and decided to get together, and we started dating. a few months later we moved in, and decided to get married. in the meantime, i still did have really strong feelings for my married man, but my head was thinking and acting this time, not my heart. i knew my future had to be secured. unfortunately tho, i didnt get married for love, i got married inorder to stay away from from my married man. so basically the marriage was doomed from the start.
my married man got so jealous, and for like a year, he kept trying to get in my pants, and i resisted it only because i was thinking abt my dear wonderful husband.
but one time my husband had to use my car to go to school, coz his had broken down, so i needed a ride. unfortunately i accepted a ride from my married man, and thats where it all began again. by the third time he was dropping me off, we were jumping into my married bed and we continued like i didnt even have a husband. this of course caused a huge strain on my marriage, coz i didnt love my husband, at all, but only stayed because i have a very very nice husband, he is so unbelievably nice. i hated having sex with my husband, coz all i could do is think about my married man.
so basically after doing this for a year, i got laid off from my job, but my married man stayed on. i still sneaked out of the house to go see him, and would pretend me and my former co workers were going for drinks, knowing he would be there, and he and i would hook up later just the two of us. it was disgusting. all this time my husband trusted me. it broke my heart to what extents i was willing to go, just to be with this man, while hurting a perfectly wonderful man. but my heart wanted what it wanted!
so finally i decided, because of a heavy heart and a pained loveless marriage, that to save our marriage i had to move out of the country to seeif i can forget this man.
so we moved to europe, my husband didnt know why, he just thought we both needed a break. but now i live in europe and we have decided to move back to the states in a year's time, but i am miserable, i hate it out here, but my husband doesnt want to jump around, he wants us to move according to plan. so i have to stay put so he doesnt suspect that i only insisted we move here, so i can stay away from my lover.
i did email my married man and we started a chat, but i had to keep my feelings out of it and just talk general. so he kind of stopped emailing, and i havent bothered with him ever again. its been a month now. really at this point its just my pride thats wounded, that i keep looking for this man and i have changed my life all around for him, but he continues with his as normal. his wife recently graduated from school, and got this hot job. and my married man had said he stayed married also coz of finances, its cheaper to stay on than be sued for child support.
so now i know he will stay with her forever, coz she now makes a six figure salary. its humiliating, and sometimes i feel like breaking up with my hubby, coz we never have sex, my fault, i just cant. at this point we havent slept together since last july, almost a year ago.... i feel bad for him, but i dont want to be alone. My life has been a mess since i started seeing this married man in 2001.
HELLLPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2007): RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was in a relationship for 10 years with a married man who happened to be a church pastor.
It was STUPID of me to believe the "tragic story of his marriage" and how he must serve God first place before the eyes of people... but he is able to tolerate adultery as a side dish. OF COURSE he claims he loves me and OF COURSE he made me believe we are soulmates...
How I fell in love with him is a something I'll regret but after years of struggle I LEFT HIM 7 MONTHS AGO.
I feel GREAT, he sends messages I dont answer, I blocked his emails, I dont answer his phone calls, I HAVE dissapeared from his life. I have to add, we had some form of sex but for some reason maybe guilt or whatever we never completetely had sex. Ive never had another man and although I have been blind of love for him for years, at last I feel strong. LET THE MARRIED MAN GO ON WITH HIS IMAGE, boost your self steem, AND BELIEVE that God SEES EVERYTHING. Consecuences we will have to pain with pain, emptyness, loss... but this will last a while, repentance and obedience guarantees you'll get through, and in the End he will give us all what we ask for. A person that's real, with whom to share our lives and be happy and have the home we all dream of. Dreams can only come true, if we follow the right path and let go of the ies. Even the a very good man has a selfish heart. We dont have to be part of their fantasy... when we CAN AND WILL have a life of our own. And believe me, It will be better than the one he has... cause ours will be based on thruth and matureness that comes from getting up after the fall. People who don't accept their faults, just go on reproducing them all over again and getting hurt and hurting all. I don't want those consecuences... mine as they are... are enough. Hold on tight! Leave him. Do the right thing to do... and you will harvest the fruit of a good seed. We have to die to our will and our flesh, to be reborn into a better person, humbler and with a clean future. The blood of Christ can heal all wounds, if you let him. God Bless You.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2007): I totally understand my dear. I am also going through this situation. I am in love with my husband's boss he is married to is 2nd wife and has 2 kids with the first divorced wife. He is a tease. I have seen him only 3 times and its has been fantastic I am so attracked to him but he does not want to continue yet he calls and talks to me. He is playing with me. Yesterday he told me that we have to be friends and leave it at that and be good with our spouses and see in a year's time what happens and if it is meant to be well be together if not so be it. He said , we should not try so hard. He is a real gentleman and has not even touched me yet.
I think we both need to get real and break it off, married men are taken they will never be ours and we need to move on.
Good luck my dear and hope all goes well with you. Move on, its really not worth the aggravation, life is short and you deserve to be as happy as anyone, you are also a person like him with feelings and needs.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2007): I feel your pain and, unfortunately, this isn't the first time for me. I have a 6 year old son and his father was married at the time. First and foremost, I don't regret any of it because I have a beautiful son. He is no longer married but we are not together. He still tries to get me to come back to him, but I've lost respect for him - not because of his cheating but because of his irresponsibility as a father. However, I now am in another relationship with a married man. I am 34 and he is 46. We work together and have for the past 11 years although our relationship only started 4 months ago. I do love him and have been attracted to him for a long time. It all started on an out of town business trip we took together. We now spend as much time as possible together, but, needless to say, not quite enough for me. After the relationship with my son's father ended, I said I would never do this again. Never say never. Yes, it hurts and I know that I am only bringing it on myself by letting it continue. But, at least in my situation, an ultimatum is the only thing I can do. He knows that he has got until the end of this month to have his own place and tell his wife he is done. She knows something is going on and actually asked him last weekend if he was at my house. He is worried about the financial aspect of her finding out about us because they have been married for 23 years. But, I told him today that he can either pay rent for a year (since in my state you have to be separated for a year before divorce) or pay a lot more for a lot longer in alimony. He's following through so far, but time will tell. If it isn't done by the end of the month, I am done. I know that this whole thing isn't right in the first place, but I'm also not going to let it drag on and on like it did with my ex (almost 7 years - how STUPID was I?!?!?) Maybe I still am stupid for getting into this situation again in the first place, but we shall soon see.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2007): I am in the same situation as mand of the readers here. I have been seeing a married man for almost a year now it started out as just sex and now I can not imagine my life without him he is kind and compasionate and some times all we do is just sit and snuggle. We often talk of had we meet years ago before we were married. I can honestly say I love him and I know that he loves me. The problem is he is trying for a baby with his wife. This breaks my heart and I always say tonite will be the last night I see him but I can never bring myself to leave him. I too am married my husband works nights and is never home, when he is he is always sleeping and just doesn't give me the attention that I want and need. I wish I could leave them both and find someone like my lover who is single. My lover is the perfect man he cooks he cleans and he is the best lover I could have imagined. None of my friends would understand so I have kept this all to myself. I just needed someone to talk to about it
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2007): I feel everyone's love and pain, all at the same time. I to am in love with a married man. We have been seeing each other for the past 2 1/2 yrs. I met him at a cookoff in big "H" (he's in a well known band in SA) and it was instant attraction for both of us. He is 38 and I am 40. He has been married for 18yrs and has 3 kids. He has never said one bad thing about his wife. He does love her, but they apparently have lost that spark or zing that was once between them. For the first year he would come see me almost every other month because his second job would allow it. Once he was laid off and got another job,then it was me going to see him, maybe 4 times a year. This past year I probably saw him 5 times. We talk everyday by cell and email and he tells me how much he loves me. He has introduced me to many of his friends and the band has even been to my house when they played in big "H". Sometimes I feel as though he doesn't really care if he gets caught. Just on New Year's in SA, I was with him as he played at a club and some of the band's wives "figured" me out. Then he doesn't go home as usual, spends the night with me at a hotel and uses some excuse of to tired to drive home or he's been drinking to much and needs to stay at work and sleep there. I would never buy that one being that I to, have been on the other side. He has expressed how he wished he had met me back when we were in our early 20's. We get along so well, conversation especially and yes of course sex, but that part is just the bonus as we both see it. I believe we both will keep seeing each other till whatever happens. We have a strong bond between us and we really understand each other. If something was to happen, we would be together. But I am not forcing him and nor do I want it to be that way. I think he does want to divorce, but it's his kids that he worries about and I do understand that. I never had any children, but I grew up with parents who never divorced, so I can only imagine what it would be like without. I can only say that he is the love of my life and it has me feeling great even with our distance. It's a chance I am willing to take. We all have to make our own choices in life and be willing to live with what the consequences will be.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2007): I'm coping with a break up from a married man right this very day! He broke up with me this morning over the phone while I was at work. I'm also married. However, this affair had been going on for about 4 years, and for some odd reason, I have always felt and still do after the break up, that this person is my soulmate. I feel hurt right now, a little empty, trying to figure out how not to call him or send him text messages. But yet I figure, this time next week, I will be okay. If I can get through just one week of not talking to or seeing him, I'll be fine. When he told me that he was tired of lying to his wife, and being committed to her will make his life so much easier, I couldn't do anything but respect that! I appreciate his honesty, but for some odd reason, my gut is telling me that he's gonna reappear sometime in the near future, only to be the same person he was before. He shared a lot with me about issues in his marriage, and I think this was him really trying to give it one last try because they do have children and a lot invested in one another. I would often ask myself why am I doing this to my husband. I mean, my husband is a great man, a wonderful father, excellent provider for his family, down to earth, goodlooking, hardworking, and intelligent. He cooks, cleans, fixes everything, always tries to make sure I have everything I need and want to make me happy, and allows me to be my complete self! My ex-affair partner would always say that I had too much freedom to be a married woman, and that he would never allow his wife to do the things I was able to do. But now let me tell you this, my husband has been suspect of affairs on many occasions. Don't know if this is the real reason why I indulged in an affair, but I truly believe that he gave me all the freedom for him to gain the freedom to be able to do what he wants to do. It's like a revolving door, the cycle just continues on. What keeps me going through all of this? My spirituality, my strength, and my stability! My friend broke up with me and I'm accepting that, don't regret anything about the relationship. However, when he comes back, and believe me, he will, I hope I can be strong enough and have a clear head in telling him that I cannot indulge in this kinda relationship again, and walk away with my dignity!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2007): I have read all the stories on this page and relate to them wholeheartedly - my heart goes out to all of you. I have been married for 23 years to a kind, sensitive, thoughtful, man whom I have known since school - we were school sweethearts - I must have fallen out of love with him although I still love him.A few months ago I ended up in an affair with a man who is based in the same office as me - probably purely for the excitement etc, etc, but having said all that I fell in love with him. Again, he told me from the outset there was no happy ever after - as he put it - so he immediately covered his back.I have now told him that I don't want to see him anymore - this relationship was one-way and destroying me emotionally. It really hurt to do this but I know for my sake it is absolutely for the best.All I am going to say is this - be honest with yourselves -these men don't love you - if they did truly love you they would leave their wives. The only road these relationships lead to is your unhappiness. You deserve better. Go out and find a single, doting, caring partner who genuinely loves you and would do anything for you - they are out there!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2007): Wow, I read verything on this page and saw that so many of you have been going through the same as I have. I have been dating a married man for almost three years now. We are both married and have children, and to make it even harder, we don't even live in the same country!
Neither one of us had ever cheated before and we both said we never would. We met online and thought the distance of 3000 miles should be safe. After a year of talking online or on the phone almost every day, for hours and hours, we decided to meet only once.
I had a business trip to his country and he made up a reason to be in the same city at the same time. It was only supposed to be to meet face to face and have a drink.
To make a long story short, we fell hopelessly in love and after a wonderful weekend together, it was time for me to go back home. After that we spent even more time online and on the phone, vistited each other almost every month and the love only got deeper.
A couple of months ago I told him I had asked my husband for a divorce. That decision had nothing to do with him, but since then, he's been distant. I have tried to convince him that I will never ask him to leave his family for me but I have the feeling he doesn't believe me.
This man has made me happier than I have ever been, I have never loved anyone so much and I have never felt so much love. He still tells me he loves me, talks about our next meeting but I sense something is different. I refuse to let him hurt me and I have been telling myself for weeks that I should break it off, before he does. The problem is, the minute he's online or on the phone, it's like nothing happened and it's not until after he's gone that I tell myself, "I should have ended it".
I have even tried to date someone else. I am still married, but seperated. This other man is everything I never wanted in a man, he's not "my type", he's not good looking, he's short and fat and sometimes I even doubt his intelligence. I don't know why I keep seeing him but maybe it' because he's able to give me everything my married lover can't. This man loves me, he would do anything for me, he worships the ground I walk on and treats me likea princess. No man has ever treated me the way he does and I even feel guilty for not loving him back. I have tried to tell him that there is no future for him but he keeps talking like we will always be together.
I never felt guilty for the affair with the married man but I am feeling very guilty for the other one. He is a very good friend and I know I should have kept it as that. He knows about the other man and said he would do anything to try to make me forget about him.
I despise people who cheat on their spouses. I thought that was something I could never do but here I am. What hurts me the most is people who judge "us" without knowing the whole story. People cheat for different reasons.
I can't agree with those of you who say your married man should leave his wife, even if they have children. I admire a man who puts his children first. I would never leave my children for a man and I would never expect a man to leave his children for me.
In my dreams, my married man leaves his wife... we are both single and free to do whatever we want. Yet, I never see myself living with him. Isn't that strange?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): It is more than two years that I have been follen in love with him, and he is married and with three daughters. I comprehand all, that have no rights, that he can't leave them, that I won't be able to give him more than his wife has given to him............... But I love him and do not know what to do.
:(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2006): First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for sharing their stories.
This has helped me immensely!
A few days ago the strangest thing happened at work
when I realized I was attracted to this guy.
I overheard that he was married but I'm not sure.
I don't know how it happened because we are such an odd match.
But oddly enough it seems that the attraction is mutual.
He's way older than me. And he seems to be a genuinely good man.
I can't imagine him ever cheating on his wife.
Even though I'm attracted to him, I think it would totally turn me off if he would cheat-even with me that is.
I think I'm just a bit vulnerable because I'm a new employee, young, naive, and lonely.
He's always there to back me up and I guess I liked the feeling of security he gave me.
But if he's married, and things ever progress further and eventually end up like all the posts here, then I definitely need to shake it off.
It's just too scary. Thank you everyone for helping me stop before it starts!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2006): I feel for you..reading your story breaks my heart because, I too, am in love with a married man. My story is somewhat different as it's a long distance affair. We met a few years back when he wasn't married (just living with this woman who he claimed to be his best female friend). She was and I am sure still is. There was no passion in their relationship and no sex at all yet he loved her enough as a person to live with her and to want to share a child together. I found out about the baby a month after the baby was born; my heart broke in a million pieces. He apologized and explained his situation to me, how he was getting older and just wanted to have a child and that the timing was off with us..that he would have wanted to have a baby with me but he was already deeply involved with this woman emotionally...deep down I knew he must be on his way down the aisle if he hadn't already been..and my biggest fear came true 6 months later. He married her because they share a child and house, etc. But still, there is lack of sex and passion and he was never and still is not in love with her. He fell in love with me and vice versa yet nothing can ever come about because what's done is done...still I can't get over him..every thought has him in it..when I think of the future, I picture him and OUR babies..it's heartbreaking and by far, the most frustrating experience of my life. I am not sure why our paths crossed, but I do know he touched my life deeply. I just can't comprehend why, of all the men out there, I had to fall in love with the one I can't have.
Good Luck to you with your situation.
If you can be strong and have him in your life until you meet the person who can give you ALL of him...then keep him around for the companionship and memories..if not, let him go because I know from experience it's ripping your heart and head apart...
Everything happens for a reason..
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2006): I met my man well after his marriage was over, although not yet legally. He was debating on whether or not to end it before I came along.
We met, developed a friendship, which eventually led to more.
He told his wife that their marriage was over, they separated and divorced, and we have been happy together ever since!
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (12 December 2006):
 You are merely a diversion. He has told you that it will never 'be' between you in the way you want it. What more can he say? Whilst you feed into his little pretend fantasy world you destroy your own self esteem, you are allowing his behaviour to affect you.
You KNOW what you need to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2006): hey,
sorry abt yo situation. Im goin through a similar situation but my only advice to u is no matter the pain just let the guy go. hewasnt yours before n he still isnt. that is why he could afford to act selfishly coz hes got ground to lean on.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2006): I fell in love with a married man when I was only 20 and he was 50! He was my college professor and married. He was my first love and it hit me hard, unbalancing my life completely. Although much older, he was very handsome and had many women after him. He came on strong and I fell hard, but somehow I found the strength, or perhaps I was too scared, to resist sleeping with him. We never slept together. I went on to marry a great man and have two children, but I can honestly say, that 20 years later I still think about and have feelings for my first love, and I have not seen him in over 10 years. I always wondered if I did the wrong choice by not sleeping with him. After reading all of these posts I am almost thankful, because I could have been strung along for years and year. But at least I would have the memories and knowing that it was over once and for all afterwards.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2006): I feel for all of you woman. I too fell for a married man, but fortunately nothing physical has happened. I am feeling tortured enough, I couldn't imagine what it would be like for me if it had gone to the physical level. We met 20 months ago when I joined a club both he and his wife belong to. It was instant. A big 'YES' went off in my head. And I realised that night it was the same for him too after he grabbed me under water and then pretended he thought it was his wife. We both knew that wasn't true. Anyway, I have tried to ignore him, interact with him as little as possible. Find all the reasons possible to dislike him, like the fact that he flirted with me even when his wife was pregnant with his second child. I really don't know how it is between him and her. I've reasons to think it aint great, but then, I don't see why they should have a second child if that's the case. Maybe their snipping at each other in public might just be their way. He keeps coming around, sniffing around, sometimes does the 'hot and cold' thing. I know I have to leave the club, it is the only way, but if I leave now, I won't pass my diving qualifications, which I've put so much into, so I am staying just until I pass and then I am gone. I don't want to leave the club, I've made other friends in it, but I know I can't be around him. For 20 months my life has been seriously disrupted with thoughts and feelings about him. Rationally I know its no good for me. I won't be his bit on the side. And I can't keep suffering like I am. I feel heartbroken. All the while, he is probably oblivious, and even if he is not, even if he does have feelings for me, I won't be his bit on the side. I've started the process of disengaging: as little contact as possible, avoiding him as much as possible and getting out of the club as soon as possible, even though I don't want to, but I know it is the only way. As long as I am around him, the chemistry between us will pump through my veins and keep me addicted. I do feel addicted, it is a chemical reaction as much as anything I am sure. I feel like a junkie, and I am hating and hurting from pulling away, but I know I have to. It sucks, but it is to avoid the larger pain in the long run. I wish I'd never seen him. There is a part of me that hates him, cause I have hurt so much. Seems crazy. Here's to strength an a true love for us all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2006): I am also in love with a married man and when I was reading your stories I found them very familiar to mine. Unfortunatelly it is very hard to control your feelings, when it comes to love but I also believe that if a married man loves another woman, not his wife, he will feel responsible for her life and feelings. If from my side it is not a selfish love from his side it is very much selfish. I dont think this kind of man deserves that kind of selfless love. If you ask a bit more for yourself, you will see how much selfish he is, he will be scared to loose a reputation, will ask you not to tell anyone who asks you about him that you do not know him, he tells you that he did not give you any hope for more than free love and that he was with you because you needed it more. I agree with those who think that we, women, should respect ourselves more and do not love those who just use our love as selfish people.
I pray to have strenght for you and myself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2006): Shame gal i really feel your pain but i get the feeling you know exactly what to do, you don't need my advice or anyone else, the answer is in your heart. So just follow your heart but don't do anything because you feel sorry for anyone do things for yourself, but don't be selfish as well. Kind regards, Someone who cares.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2006): He was the love of my life and when I met him he was not married but within months he got married. I was gutted. I loved him then and still do. He came knocking on my door saying he did not love his wife really and wanted me. Then he went back to her. I told him not to contact me again or I would tell his wife! and guess what he has never got back in touch with me since? Says a lot to me. I was just a little side line for when him and his wife were going throught a bad patch. If he did not love his wife, as he told me, then he would have left her a long time ago? But he did not. So he loves her and I was the bit on the side when they had a row. I miss him but I would rather be on my own.
IF HE WAS THAT UNHAPPY WITH HIS WIFE THEN HE WOULD LEAVE HER, BUT HE HAS'NT LEFT HER, AND HE IS STILL WITH HER TODAY!
Women on the side keep kidding your self that he really wants to be with you, rather than his wife?
WAKE UP HE IS HAVING HIS CAKE AND EATHING IT!!!!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2006): He was the love of my life . We got together in highschool and I had a child that I aborted my senior year. We lost touch and ran into each other 2 years ago. We both were married but I was actually separated while he was still w/his wife. The one he of course told that he didnot want to be married anymore and therefore lived his life as if he were single. They had a seven year age difference where he was the younger one and they didn't have much in common. He would constantly tell me how unattracted he was to her. He gave me is business card the night we met and I hesitated to call him. About the third week I broke and called him because I honestly could not stop thinking about him. Looking back I realized I made the biggest mistake of my life.
It's been two years and he has left his wife and had we were together for the most part. He stayed with his mom but I had full access to him I enjoyed it until he changes job and runs into a woman that he cheated with before me and finds out that they have a 3 year old baby girl that she didn't tell him about because she didn't want to cause any trouble. He's still not divorced but separated and now he has the mother of his child who he never mentioned after him to complete her family. I am so sick of all the time I wasted with him. I have some good memories and at this point have choosen to walk away and let him dig out his own mess. I will love him forever but I realize he is damaged goods and regardless of how comfortable I am with him we would never have a healthy relationship. I fell as though it is my punishment for knowingly dating a married man something I never have done or will do again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2006): WOW. That's all I can say. I am just coming out of a 14 year marriage with a man that cheated. I couldn't understand how a woman could be with another womans husband, but now, I find myself very much in love with a married man. The moment I saw him, I felt like I have never felt before, as though his piercing eyes saw into the depths of my soul. Instant attraction, on mulitple levels. I resisted this at first because I never wanted to be responcible for making a woman feel the way I had felt once I learned of my husbands infidelity. I just couldn't deny this chemistry that we share. It's only been 5 months, but it feels like a lifetime. The truth is he was very honest with me. They married very young, and had been together a long time. Said his wife didn't mistreat him, wasn't a bad wife at all, but the relationship they have isn't full, and they don't share time together. They just don't have much in common, and he says that although he does love and cares for her, it isn't a romantic love. We don't discuss the future, I don't want to talk about. I have never asked him what his intensions are for his marriage, if he's going to leave, or stay. As a matter of fact, I do all that I can to not add stress to his life, or to mine. To ask him questions that I might not want the answer to doesn't make since to me. I don't want to know. All I want to do is be with him, as much as I can. To share what part of his life I'm able to, and to brand each moment in my heart. I do not want him to leave his wife for me. If he goes, I want it to be for him. Because it is right for him. I honestly have tried to feel guilty, I've dwelt on our "forbidden" relationship, but the truth is I feel no guilt. All I know is that for the first time in my life I know what unselfish love is. I want him to be happy, when he is with me, and when he isn't with me. Any woman who gets involved with a married man, knows she is most likely going to be hurt. We are "the other women." The women who get the stolen moments of shared intimacy. The women who fullfill the married man's fantasy's and in essence make them more tolerable of the women they are married to. I know I will be hurt, and have my heart broken, but until them, I'll ride this wave as far as it will take me, and when it crashed against the shore, I won't be able to say, "Wow, I didn't see this coming." If all of the women involved with married men will be honest with themselves, you will see that you aren't the victim, you are getting as much out of this relationship as he is, and when your needs aren't being met, you'll get out. I know, because remember, I am head over heals for a man, who is legally bound to his wife. Getting over the break up, girl, time heals all wounds, but if you take some of the blame for your pain, it will speed the process! Remember, he wasn't yours to take, therefore, he was never really your to lose!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2006): I met my married man online, we met in person and are planning to meet again. The only time we speak is on Instant Messenger or the phone (I had to buy him a calling card so his calls to me wouldn't show up on his bills). After reading so many of your posts, I think I CANNOT BE IN LOVE WITH HIM, it's more like an addiction. His wife once gave me what may be the best advice we can all take when she said "Be careful what you wish for, you may just get it." I think we should head that advice and start to treasure ourselves more...in some deep part of ourselves, we KNOW we have more self worth than this!!! Don't misunderstand me, I have great empathy for all of you and for myself...what I need more of is a sense of self worth, self esteem, and yes, self love....when I learn to love myself the way I deserve, I won't allow myself to settle for the demeaning way all "other women" are treated. If we are honest with ourselves, the married men who say they love us, only demean us by asking us to accept anything less than first place in their lives. Loving on the sidelines and settling for crumbs is not the Miriam-Webster definition of love. I say let us discover our authentic selves and let us be strong enough to stand alone...without the emotional and mental abuse that loving a married man brings us. After suffering from severe depression, losing my job, alienating my friends and family for a married man....I KNOW THAT THE ADVICE I AM GIVING YOU IS ESSENTIAL TO YOUR WELL-BEING, YOUR HAPPINESS AND YOUR SURVIVAL.
I wish you all the best and I wish you all strength....as I wish that for myself too.
Diane
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2006): To the question of why?...Well I am not one to hand down any advice because I have been in love with a married man for years. We once carried on an affair for almost two years and since have had encounters. He was my one and he got away over 14 years ago and married another woman. I have never met her and never want to either. See me and him have a history before her, he has never had children of his own, has adopted her two though, we lost one when we was together. Before he got married to her he tried to find me through a friend but the friend told him I was already married (which at the time was not true) since I have been in couple disastrous relationships and he has always been there. This man I know was and is my soulmate. We try to not do this but it is like once we lay eyes on one another it is there. I know he has no intentions on leaving his wife now nor have I asked him to...I guess we were meant for another lifetime but no matter if he is married, he is with me or her, or we have or do not have an affair this man is the world and he will always will be to me. He is the one that makes my stomach drop and my heart bounce and my soul ache. He is the one but just not mine. It is such a heartache to love someone you will never have.....but then we do not get to choose who we love...life sometimes does not go with what we feel but instead by what we have to do.......He has obligations and he would not be the man I love if he did not honor his obligations. So I will be with him in the next life....until then I will love him from afar..or sometimes closer but I will always love him..........true love is something that always does not come along.....I would have rather loved him then to not have loved at all.....I will always wish him and his family the best because it is true.....even if we can't help how we feel...so what I am getting at is being in love with a married man is not your fault because if it is love it is not something you can control.....but wanting him to leave obligations he has made is not love either...it is selfishness and everyone including me is somewhat selfish to have these affairs...but maybe one day we will get forgiveness.
A friend that knows how you feel
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2006): I have no one to blame but myself. My married man never made promises to leave her for me, never said he was unhappy in his marriage, for him it's always been about the sex. He moved away to another state a year ago, so what have I done? I have flown out to him seven times...on my own dime to see him. It's a dead end street filled with heartache and loss. After three years, many tears and lonely nights I finally realize I deserve EVERYTHING...just like she has...vacations, friends, holidays, Sunday morning breakfast, being held all through the night and on and on...I'm better than number two position, I DESERVE a real relationship. I'm done with him and I'm going to tell him why. I thought I was in love with him, he was the ONE, he loved me. I was blind, but now I see....and after enough pain and enough soul searching you will see this too. It's not about your luv for him, it's about your luv for yourself. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2006): I know what you're going thru. I too fell in love with a married man and our affair just ended. I really love this man and I thought he loved me. But now I've come to realize that if he REALLY loved me he would never have put me last and stayed married. Even with children. It just dosen't work that way. When you love someone and you are really each other's soul mate, nothing else matters. You have to be with that person to make everything eles right in your life. He wasn't willing to do this, and so I've slowly and painfully come to realize he wanted it all on his terms. Me to make him happy, her and their daughters to keep the perfect picture going. What he loves isn't me, isn't his daughters, isn't his wife, isn't the perfect picture..he loves HIMSELF, above all eles! God, this hurts. I never thought I would ever do anything like this, but here I am and to my amazement there are a lot of others going thru this too. I hope you find some peace and happiness,I hope we all can.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2006): I have no one to talk to about this matter and am in so much pain that I am going literally insane. I feel so helpless and alone in this. If someone could please comment or provide advice, I would be most appreciative.
For the past year, I have been involved with a married man. Before the involvement, we were very close friends, would confide in each other about things and he would vent about frustrations he would have about his wife. Then, we became honest about how we felt with each other and then started a relationship. He was everything that I had hoped for in a man--he was sensitive, listened to me, said things that made me feel loved, appreciated and understood, like no one else in my life.
Then, 6 months into the relationship, he said that he thought we should break off the relationship because he made the decision to stick with his wife and child. He said he was resigned to sticking with her for the sake of the child. I remember being so heartbroken. Ever since then, we would have peaks and valleys. He would me that we should just be friends and that he can't continue the relationship, but then he would still be intimate with me. So, his words were not consistent with his actions. I just couldn't let go of him and it seemed like he had difficulty letting go of me too.
All the while, it was very painful knowing that he was going home to someone else and sleeping with someone else. Every night, I would think about this. I started to think that his relationship with his wife probably wasn't that bad. He would use his child as an excuse to stay in the relationship, but I started to wonder whether he still loved his wife more than me. Even with all these agonizing thoughts, I was so in love with him, that I would still long for the next time I'd see him.
He now has told me that he definitely, absolutely cannot have this relationship with me and wants to just be friends. He says that he loves me, but I don't believe him. My mind is so messed up. It seemed like he loved me, but now, it seems like his feelings towards me have suddenly changed and he doesn't care if he ever sees me again or not. The indifference and lack of emotion in his voice is so crushing.
He told me that about a month ago, he planned a trip with his wife that they will take next month. It makes me think that all along, he loved his wife more than me and things were never really that bad between them. The jealousy and anger that I feel is consuming me to the point that I cannot function. I feel so incredibly used and abandoned. The emptiness is unbearable as for so long, he was the only thing that occupied my thoughts and brought me happiness, excitement, etc. I can't stop thinking about him.
Deep down inside, I had believed that he would ultimately choose me. He kept holding on to me and I kept hoping. Now, he has discarded me. I don't understand how his feelings changed so quickly.
How can I stop thinking about him and obsessing?
I hope that someone can comment or provide advice based on their experiences. Thanks for reading.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2006): I have no one to talk to about this matter and am in so much pain that I am going literally insane. I feel so helpless and alone in this. If someone could please comment or provide advice, I would be most appreciative.
For the past year, I have been involved with a married man. Before the involvement, we were very close friends, would confide in each other about things and he would vent about frustrations he would have about his wife. Then, we became honest about how we felt with each other and then started a relationship. He was everything that I had hoped for in a man--he was sensitive, listened to me, said things that made me feel loved, appreciated and understood, like no one else in my life.
Then, 6 months into the relationship, he said that he thought we should break off the relationship because he made the decision to stick with his wife and child. He said he was resigned to sticking with her for the sake of the child. I remember being so heartbroken. Ever since then, we would have peaks and valleys. He would me that we should just be friends and that he can't continue the relationship, but then he would still be intimate with me. So, his words were not consistent with his actions. I just couldn't let go of him and it seemed like he had difficulty letting go of me too.
All the while, it was very painful knowing that he was going home to someone else and sleeping with someone else. Every night, I would think about this. I started to think that his relationship with his wife probably wasn't that bad. He would use his child as an excuse to stay in the relationship, but I started to wonder whether he still loved his wife more than me. Even with all these agonizing thoughts, I was so in love with him, that I would still long for the next time I'd see him.
He now has told me that he definitely, absolutely cannot have this relationship with me and wants to just be friends. He says that he loves me, but I don't believe him. My mind is so messed up. It seemed like he loved me, but now, it seems like his feelings towards me have suddenly changed and he doesn't care if he ever sees me again or not. The indifference and lack of emotion in his voice is so crushing. It seems that he doesn't care if he ever sees me again or not.
He told me that he has planned a trip with his wife for the past month. It makes me think that all along, he loved his wife more than me and things were never really that bad between them. The jealousy and anger that I feel is consuming me to the point that I cannot function. I feel so incredibly used and abandoned. The emptiness is unbearable as for so long, he was the only thing that occupied my thoughts and brought me happiness, excitement, etc. I can't stop thinking about him.
Deep down inside, I had believed that he would ultimately choose me. He kept holding on to me and I kept hoping. Now, he has discarded me. I don't understand how his feelings changed so quickly.
I hope that someone can comment or provide advice based on their experiences. Thanks for reading.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2006): It's really comforting to read all these posts as I am in a similar situation. I have been working now for 2 years and split up with my ex boyfriend approx 9 months ago. Recently, a guy at work was quite flirty with me and I flirted back and eventually we made it quite clear to each other that we fancied one another. We then emailed each other for 2-3 days pretty much constantly. I had no idea at this point that he was married and very few people at work know that he is married either. There was and has not been any physical contact between us, it was all emailing and talking. He then confessed he had been married a couple of years but we still continued to talk and email as it was such a high to continue and my feelings for him were getting stronger. After a few days, he stopped and asked me stop emailing him, and I found it so so hard to deal with. Since then, I have acted like such a fool, begging to talk to him again and I keep emailing him. All he does is ignore me. He will not reply to any mails and tries avoiding me at work. Just a couple of days ago, I tried to force him to talk to me so I rang his office and I was told he was busy by a colleague, but I'm sure that he had told her to lie to me. I feel like such an idiot, but I cannot control my actions. I should actually respect him for his actions as he has not taken advantage by taking the relationship to a physical level. He has pulled away before it got to that stage.
But it hurts so much and I feel as though my emotions have been played with. I know I need to let go, but am struggling. Any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2006): I think the first thing you need to do is change offices. You will not be able to break up with this man while you are working in the same place and seeing each other everyday, no matter how much you know you should. The heart will always beat the head.
I was involved with a married man for two years while working overseas. His wife was in his home country, raising his kids. He told me he would never leave her for me, but he also told me he loved me and I guess the second statement had more impact on me.
We spent every moment together for the two years and I fell head over heels in love with him. In fact, I loved him so much that I tried to break it off several times for my own self preservation. I was in love but that was always accompanied by intense feelings of hurt and grief that the person I loved was taken and had a whole different life with somebody else; his real life. But of course because my need to be with him was so strong and I was weak and I always gave into him and continued seeing him, even though I knew it was wrong for me.
Eventually I decided that it really was time for it to be over. I could not continue to waste any more of my life on this man. I realised the longer it went on the more I would be hurt when we eventually did break up (and, let's face it, breaking up was always the only possible outcome).
So once I realised that was what needed to be done, I left the country we were in. I knew myself well enough to know that was the only way I would ever be able to stick to my decision. I just would never have been able to end it with him if I still had the possibility of access to him.
Leaving him also meant leaving a really good job that I liked, so I guess it was drastic action to take. But I did what had to be done. We are now many thousands of miles apart and I miss him every day, but I know I have done the right thing for myself and my own eventual (I hope) happiness.
It is heartbreaking to leave them, but it is soul destroying to stay with them. Saying goodbye to them forever is the lesser of the two evils, and you need to do whatever it takes to be able to do that. Believe me.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2006): I am in the same situation as you, i am in love with a married man. And the decision to be just "friends" as they said is not real. When they see us they can't control themselves and for us it's disturbing because we don't know what to think. I wish i could be strong enough, forget him and be able to love with passion again. I never felt this way before, it's my soulmate but not in this life... It's not an easy decision, but you should stop seeing him (not easy as you are working together), stop calling each other, no sms, nothing, to let you time to forget each other and be able to move on. Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): The mind tells you to be strong, to analyze the situation, and to forget and move on with your life, yet the heart keeps on interferring with your thinking..., it tells you to embrace the affair, to love and love passionately, to feel the warmth of his words. "The heart has a mind of it's own"..., between the mind and the heart, I am going crazy.
My situation seems simple, yet it's complicated. You see, we are not having a sexual affair - in fact, I think we are not having an affair at all - it's just love. The kind of love that going back 30 years! We were promised to each other by our parents, and we accepted as we were in love with each other, the puppies love. He was the first man I loved. We got separated after the war (I won't mention where) and there were no communications. I wrote many letters without any replies, and apparently he waited for many years and assumed that I never tried to contact him. We then carried on with our separate lives. I now live in North America, and he lives in the Far East. We both married to diffirent people for the wrong reasons.
Until 1990, we met in the Middle East with a group of over 40 peoples. When we saw each other then, we knew that we still cares for each other, but we could not talk as our spouses were with us - and we thought "what's the point".
My marriage wasn't the same since that day, and I am now divorced. We met again last month by accident - I went back to my country for a wedding, and he was there without his wife. We finally managed to went out twice and we talk and talk. He told me the reason he married the woman he doesn't love, and how miserable his life has been (more sad than happiness), but they have a son and he has learned to cope with the marriage, has tried to built a life in a foreign land. He feels sorry for her because she's not a bad person, just being extremely jeolous. He has the responsibility of a father, and the obligation of a husband. He said he can't or won't leave his wife because of many reasons. Yet, he said that he has been waiting for over 30 years to share his feelings with me, and now that he has, it felt so right. He asked me WHY? Why do we have to live so far away from each other?
We held hands, cried in each other's arms, we hugged, then he held my face in his hands and kissed me on the forehead. We parted without any talk of the future, no promise to call - nothing. Yet I understand and adore him even more so... - I respect the fact that he was truthful, and cannot ask him to leave his wife for me - as this will be so wrong.
Understanding all these, then why the hell do I feel like my heart is breaking into pieces. I missed his affection, his caring, his sad eyes, his gentle smiles, his frown, his laughters, I missed them all. When we looked into each other's eyes, we just knew how we feel for each other - the kind of "unspoken love" - but he is a married man.
My children are grown up now and live their own life. I am alone - so I cried, cried and cried - still I am unable to let go of this love. I treasured the short few hours that we shared, and I know times will heals old wound - but you know what - there will always be a scar!
I just pray that God gives me strength to endure the pain, to be able keep this love in my heart - yet to let go of the one I love.
To Those Women in Love!
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reader, jilthepil +, writes (15 August 2006):
I am currently trying to break away from my married man but it's so hard. He filled my head with so much BS and told me that he loves and he's leaving, yadda yadda yadda. He even had me looking for houses on the internet for him and his 2 boys (she's not the biological mother). He's very inconsistent, very insensitive, unreliable and just a total slug, yet, it's so hard breaking away. I just can't seem to let go ! I've even begn taking anti-anxiety medication ! When we first met, I tried breaking things off several times by telling him that I couldn't do it anymore but he just wouldn't leave me alone.
He tells me that by me always bitching at him, I'm pushing him away and that I've backed him against a wall. I know that he's full of bs. How do I get my power back ? I've never let a man treat me like this but for some sick reason, he has a hold on me.
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reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (3 August 2006):
 I think this thread needs to be changed to "Please join the anonymous ship of fools".
This love-fest of infidelity probably makes everyone feel better while they're reading and comiserating, but I gotta ask a few standard questions:
1) What made you sell out to merely become the tasty side dish?
2) What EVER convinced you that your married man wasn't lying to you as well? If he could spit on the vows he made, then it is all the easier to do the same to you.
I wonder how many of you grew a better sense of self-worth in the intervening weeks and months and saw how lopsided the relationship is.
I am also curious to know how many of the posters became the main course. That is, did your married man leave his wife and comfy life to be with you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2006): I love him more than anyone, he's married with a little boy. I can't sleep, I have that empty pit in the bottom of my stomache. We became best friends in a year. Nothing but honest friends with the special bond that everything we liked, so did the other. After one year, we kissed, after that kiss, the kissing went on for a month, then we actually slept together. It was so incredible, makes me believe that I never slept with anyone I actually loved before. Now I'm afraid that this is a once in a lifetime relationship, I will never emotionally or physically feel like this again. I am 38 and know better. I know the statistics say he will never leave her. But I believe that he truly loves me. I am not strong enough to let him go. I even tried the religion thing, prayed for God to let me find someone that is available and not to want what isn't mine, hasn't worked. To my credit though, I will say that I have not taken myself off the market. I go out probably every other weekend and seriously look for someone to date, no one catches my eye. You just fall in love and you can't help it. That is why you can't stop it. So I guess I will pray that God let's me fall in love with someone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2006): just put your heart where it is,,being in love is not a crime,,,they say, ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR,,being inlove with a married man is complicated and risky,,but charge everything to experience, at least you did it and you can say something about it in the near future,,you just loved and you were happy,,there's no need to regret because what you've been through is not UNUSUAL,,what is unusual is that you let these things ruin your life,,it's telling you to be happy and enjoy as its there but if it slips away then let it go,,what's the use of our brain after all??? isnt it more powerful than our hearts??
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2006): Soulmates, I couldn't believe it when I met him. We are each other's sidekick. He is married, has two wonderful kids, and a beautiful wife. After a month, I went to his house, stayed there, met his wife, met his kids. They knew nothing about the fact that I was having such a remarkable relatioinship with him. The kids fell in love with me. His wife, had no idea. It was the weirdest most uncomfortable situation I had been in. Watching the interaction between his wife, trying not to feel jealous. After all it is his WIFE. I grew to love him, so very much, love his kids, and love his wife...(as much as I wanted to be her) Why did I continue with this relationship! We shared our dreams, future, the uncertainity about the whole thing. We saw each other as much as possible. I am not one to condone cheating..he knows that. Its so hard. I kept praying for strength to end it. He doesnt want to hurt his kids. Thats understandable! Then why am I being so selfish? I was selfish cause I thought I could make it work...long run...you cant.. I am still with him. We are flying to california tonight for a weekend trip. Girls be careful. I know its hard...but we all have to stop...including me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2006): I feel for you deeply as I am in a similar situation whereby I seem to have everything I want when I have it, but nothing the moment we part. I cant discuss it, deal with the consequences of losing it and would get more sympathy if I was a heroin addict.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2006): I too fell in love with a married man. This affair has been going on for almost two years. I never expected him to leave home, but the things he use to tell me at the beginning and the arguments I use to hear them get into use to make me wish he would. It was great at first, she was staying in another state, so I could see and communicate with him whenever I wanted, except the one weekend out the month that he would visit her. He forced me to believe that they didn't have sex, but, out of no where, she comes up pregnant. He say he didn't think it was his and convinced her to have an abortion. Guess what, I had just told him a month earlier that I was also, but of course, he couldn't have a child outside his marriage so for him, I had an abortion. A month later, he schedules an appointment for a vasectomy. Two weeks before the procedure, she got pregnant again, but let him tell it, they don't have sex. Somebody was doing something, which is when I started to open my eyes. By the time I got pregnant, I realized that I loved him and would do anything to protect him.
After some time, he knew how I felt and he also told me that he had feelings for me, of course, I believed. I do believe he may have some and that he cares for me, but mine are way deeper than his.
Just recently, we decided to break it off. A week later, we were having sex again. The next day, he was telling me that was the last time and we really should break it off. It hurts me so bad, but I now realized that he if cared enough, he would be with me and not lie and hurt me.
The best thing to do is to control your feelings and try to avoid having an affair with a married man. I'm still in love with him, since this all just happened around May 10. I miss him so much and find myself crying every day. Just like I've gotten over others, I can get past him.
PLEASE DON'T LET ANOTHER DETERMINE YOUR NEXT MOVE. BE THE MASTER OF YOUR FATE AND DO WHAT'S RIGHT FOR YOUR HEART.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2006): It is so funny how we all meet our married b-friends at work. That makes it that much harder to cope with the feelings. Anyway I too am in the same situation, except he fell in love with me. In the beginning we had an understanding that we were both unhappy at home (I have a b-friend and 1 son, he has a wife and 2 kids) We decided to buy our time with each other and have fun until things worked out at home. Needless to say we are still together. It just seems like we belong 2-gether.(SOUL MATES)His families religion is the reason he got married and that came from his close friends. They told me he was unhappy when he got married but his parents felt it was only right since she was a single mother. I guess they assumed he would be a good father figure and he is. Anyway he is falling in love with me and I like it but he knows how I feel about our situation. I have already told him I will only let my feelings go so far and if we are getting too close I will be the one to back off. I am starting too do this now and he know it!! He always knows when something is wrong.I am falling in love with him. MY POINT IS THIS LADIES: YOU NEED TO HAVE CONTROL OF YOUR FEELINGS. BACK OFF IF YOUR 2 CLOSE. THIS WAY YOU CAN MOVE ON IF YOU HAVE TOO!! I LOVE THIS GUY BUT I WILL NOT LET MY SELF BE HEARTBROKEN. AS LONG AS YOU CAN HAVE THE MENTALITY OF A GUY THEN YOU HAVE CONTROL IN THESE SITUATIONS. IT'S NOT OK TO CHEAT BUT IF YOU DO, MAKE SURE YOU KNOW THAT HE IS ONLY THERE FOR SHORT TERM COMFORT. YOU MAKE THE ALL MOVES IN THE R-SHIP EVEN IF IT'S TO BACK OFF.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2006): I am tearing my hair out at the moment. I fell head over heels in love with a married man. From the beginning he has said that he would not leave his wife for they have a son and he doesnt want to leave his son, which, I fully respect. I have no idea why I fell for him, he is nothing special really, in fact, he isnt really that attractive at all, but here I am, after spending the whole weekend crying because he has changed over the last 7 days, talking to me less, emails are short, hardly any text messages, he is always in meetings, yet he wont say its over. I just feel horrible about myself. I feel cheap. In anycase, men seem to have this power over women, they know that we fall for flattery every single time even though we know that they are lying just so they can have sex with us. That really is, at the end of the day, all it is. Sex. Someone different than the boring wife at home. I would love to get a married man's prospective on this matter and really know why they insist on hurting us so much. I'm sick of being hurt. I think its time to move on, concentrate on careers, find someone that wants to be with us and give us the love that we so deserve.
While affairs are really only about sex, it is so difficult to keep feelings asside. I kept my feelings for this man to myself for months and months, 8 months on, after a drunken night out, I called him for a chat and blurted out "i love you". Now, 8 days after that call, everything is going wrong. I wished I had kept my mouth shut, because now, I just feel cheap & easy, not a nice feeling I can tell you. You got to keep telling yourself that this man does not love you. He may care for you, but he doesnt love you, or he would leave the wife to be with you. Forget the relationship. Be strong, put all your energy & passion into something else, love will find you if you are not looking for it.
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reader, willywombat +, writes (23 April 2006):
For some reason I think you view his wife with some disdain, which is a bit rich coming form somebody trying to break up a marriage. Honey she is 30 and you are 20 - you have no life experience yet and obviously have no concept of the utter humiliation and heartache that finding out your partner has had an affair can bring. Not only that she has children who deserve a loving and stable homelife with both parents around.
Look, he has tried to end it, and obviously he will keep hanging on for his bit on the side as long as she keeps hanging around. So how about you do something grown up and get the hell out of his life and leave this family in peace. You say he is clingy but this is a problem very easy for you to rectify. Change your mobile number. Change your email address. Do not respond to his messages and do not call him. Simple. He WILL cope without you, you are not indespensible, in fact he will probably move onto the next available *soul-mate* and fill her ears with the rubbish he has filled yours with.
You dont need help and guidance, you need to back off and leave them alone in peace to live their lives without any divertions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2006): It is nice to hear I am not alone. I am in a relationship Ive been in for 3 years. He told me that he and his wife have no relationship sexually. he said they are together for the children. Somehow through his coaxing and proding, I eventually fell for him. I will never know how that happened in my mind. He has promised to leave his wife soon etc. but I found out through a mutual friend that they talked openly about their present sex life and how great it is. I am so stupid to have believed him. I found this out tonight, and I am seeking some solice by reading other's experience with this. I just want out, but I feel trapped. I also found out that he is possibly trying to hook up with his boss' wife. It just keeps going and going. I want it to end, but I don't know how. I feel so lost inside. Fortunately, I have a good friend who is trying to help me out of this relationship. She's the one who informed me of his lies tonight. I need some advice. I have 2 vibrators that he openly told me his wife purchased, but never used. He gave them to me. He has lied to me so much, and I am so mad. I want to mail them and the letters to her, but I don't know if I should. She could not deny the affair with that evidence, but I don't know. He might "come after" me if I ruin his marriage, but I think she has a right to know. Maybe it's not my place. I don't know.....I just want out. I want to be free again
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2006): I had read the above stories and wanted very much to share with everyone.Please for heaven sake, dont ever fall in love with married man, it will ruin your future and also the other party's lives.
To be very frank, my husband had an affair with 1 lady eventhough he is married. Guess how? As a wife, I was chosen to leave him cos he wanted to have both side, means his wife and mistress which I cannot take it.
Yes, to deal with break up, it is very hard and long way to go and now I am still walking.I am suffering with depression, seeing psychiatrist and on medication, I am able to sleep and eat.
Please this is my advise with those single ladies, it will cause harm to the wives if you ever fall for married man. I committ sucide infront of my husband six times but God dont want to take my life. Now I am still living in a sorrow lives and the images of the girl is always in my mind till the day I die.
I really hope one day I am able to walk out and live a happy life without my husband and bring up my three kids.
Men!!!So What!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2006): Wow! I thought I was the only one having the same problem. I dated a married man for a year; and I ended our relationship two months back. It was hard. Really, really hard. I cried thousand times and I even tried messaging him. You know--just to give it one more try. But that idiot never replied me; and I had enough of it. I met him when I was in a vulnerable state. I just lost my mom, and there comes a wonderful man. He didn't tell me he was married. I found out when I started calling him, and a woman answered his call and claimed to be his wife. When I asked him, he denied it. Until one day, his wife invited me to their house and I went. So there I was, sitting at his place, hearing all the bad things his wife said. He found out that I was at his place, and he fought with his wife. And in the end his wife blamed me for having a relationship with him. I wanted out by then but he kept pulling me towards him, claiming he loved me etc...and I went soft-hearted and eventually thought he would changed. He even told me he wants to divorce her, but never come through it anyway. He hardly spent time with me, but he has time for his wife, of course. He brings her to holidays etc and where do I stand in his life, anyway? He asked me to marry him and I waited for him to decide about us...but somehow I already knew I got tired of waiting for him already. I simply cannot allow that man to abuse my feelings anymore...so I just told him I wanted out. He didn't said anything because I text messaged him my intention...and for two months, I stopped calling him, and was trying to move on, until recently, he tried calling me. And my heart went all soft again, and I started to fall of him, but I knew that if I start again, I'll never stop and I can't allow him to control me anymore. So I decided to change my phone numbers and just 'vanish' from him. If he loves me, he'll look for me again, if not, then there are thousands other men who is worth it than him.Right now, I like the feeling of being alone and 'not being disturbed'. I am not happy, but I am not sad either. I just feel numb, but that's okay because it will be temporary.I don't even know whether I'll ever come back to this man again in my life...it all depends...but I will always remember the pain and heartache he inflicted on me. I felt so betrayed by him.I just wonder why these men choose to be liars, instead of honest man?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2006): Hi All,
My god where was this site when I need 9 months ago!!
Reading the entire above message really was like reading my own mind- I just believe he would change or me as he said he loved me and I was his soul mate.
A brief over view of my situation is I started working for a company a few years ago and meet a guy their (married), who I become very good friends with we just seemed to click, I used to feel so high just being with him- he was 24 and I was 20 - hence this soon developed in to a imitate relationship for 2 years. Believe me I am NOT a person who intends to break up relationships, I felt so much guilt for his wife - he had no kids & had only been married a couple of months said he made a mistake!! Anyway after a while he said he would leave his wife, a year later he did we were going to move into together go on holiday I was so in love with him - lets just say the last time I saw him I was waiting to picked to go on holiday for a week - he went alone apparently leaving me heart broken and feeling like such a fool - as by this point I had turned against my family and friends as they were saying he was no good but I just couldn't see it , I was devastated.
Anyway my reason for writing this a few months later is I am finding it so hard to move on - I mean I have been with a guy for six months since then, he was amazing so gorgeous & caring, but I just could not trust him not cos he did anything he was great but I got so used to being let down & hurt I kind of expected it so prepared myself for it, I so scared to open my heart again I knew I was not strong enough to fall that low again. This resulted in the relationship ending. I am worried that this has made me someone I don't want to be.
I now have to deal with work people talking about my ex has he has got back in touch with the company and he is now engaged again!! I know I need to let the angry go but I just don't know how I feel sick when I think of all the lies he told and how he told them so well,- my god I know I should let it go just reading it back to myself. I do not want to be back with him or anything I just want to be able to trust men as I know their are some good ones out their.
Please if anyone is reading this and is in the same situation some advice would be good. And for anyone that is where I was either still with them or not please be kind to yourself and break the relationship - they will make you cry more times than they will make you happy. My life is good for me career fab, friends wonderful and socially very active, I just want to get rid of this anger it is so unhealthy and it's like he is winning and that is wrong. I know I am stronger than this I just want closure as everything that he was and meant is still a mystery.
Thanks
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reader, Amy +, writes (17 January 2006):
Hi All,
My god where was this site when I need 9 months ago!!
Reading the entire above message really was like reading my own mind- I just believe he would change or me as he said he loved me and I was his soul mate.
A brief over view of my situation is I started working for a company a few years ago and meet a guy their (married), who I become very good friends with we just seemed to click, I used to feel so high just being with him- he was 24 and I was 20 - hence this soon developed in to a imitate relationship for 2 years. Believe me I am NOT a person who intends to break up relationships, I felt so much guilt for his wife - he had no kids & had only been married a couple of months said he made a mistake!! Anyway after a while he said he would leave his wife, a year later he did we were going to move into together go on holiday I was so in love with him - lets just say the last time I saw him I was waiting to picked to go on holiday for a week - he went alone apparently leaving me heart broken and feeling like such a fool - as by this point I had turned against my family and friends as they were saying he was no good but I just couldn't see it , I was devastated.
Anyway my reason for writing this a few months later is I am finding it so hard to move on - I mean I have been with a guy for six months since then, he was amazing so gorgeous & caring, but I just could not trust him not cos he did anything he was great but I got so used to being let down & hurt I kind of expected it so prepared myself for it, I so scared to open my heart again I knew I was not strong enough to fall that low again. This resulted in the relationship ending. I am worried that this has made me someone I don't want to be.
I now have to deal with work people talking about my ex has he has got back in touch with the company and he is now engaged again!! I know I need to let the angry go but I just don't know how I feel sick when I think of all the lies he told and how he told them so well,- my god I know I should let it go just reading it back to myself. I do not want to be back with him or anything I just want to be able to trust men as I know their are some good ones out their.
Please if anyone is reading this and is in the same situation some advice would be good. And for anyone that is where I was either still with them or not please be kind to yourself and break the relationship - they will make you cry more times than they will make you happy. My life is good for me career fab, friends wonderful and socially very active, I just want to get rid of this anger it is so unhealthy and it's like he is winning and that is wrong. I know I am stronger than this I just want closure as everything that he was and meant is still a mystery.
Thanks
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reader, JemJem +, writes (16 January 2006):
HiI am so glad i found this page and that people are going through what i am.I have been in a affair with a married man for 2 yrs. it ended last week. As with many of you i work with him and its killing me seeing him everyday.The one difference to many of you is that he never promised to leave, never told me he cared and I know was seeing other people.I am so ashamed i put up with all this as i know he never really cared about me, which makes everything worse.He did all the chasing and when he had me he still maybe text but it was me doing all the running. I knew he had a reputation when i got involved but i suppose stupidly i thought i would be different and that if we kept seeing each other he would care about me.I cant eat, hardly sleep and feel so so bad but i know this time it has to be it. i cant be second best anymore and give my time and heart to such a rat of a man.He used to come round for one thing only, i would be lucky if i got a hr of his time before he ran off home.He has a little girl and claims he is happy at home yet i know he sleeps around the office.The fact i am pretty sure hes seein someone else is killing me, i almost feel obsessed watching what time he leaves convinced he is off to see another woman.Why cant i just get this rat out of my head. I know i am too good for him. He is ugly, 16yrs older and no nice qualities at all, yet i yearn to talk to him every minute of the day.When he ended it last week he blamed it all on me saying i bully him into things.I dont want to leave my job as its something i have worked hard for, can anyone tell me if they have been in my situation with a married man who doesnt care and who is a rat yet they have fallen for?Please any advice would be so welcome.Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2006): Reading most of these I felt as though I was reading my own thoughts. I have been involved with a married man for almost 1 year. We work together and were very close friend's for a year before anything started. We both knew there was chemistry there before anything started but neither of us aknowledged it because he is married. He also has two small children who he adores. I have never asked him to leave his family for me. I would never ask him to do something I could never do. I myself have no children but if I did, I couldn't imagine walking away from them. I can understand how hard that would be for him.
He has many times given me false hope, saying he was looking for an apartment. Telling his wife he didn't want to be with her any longer. But, she always found a way to make him feel bad for wanting to leave. Thats why I am in the situation I am in. I know if I would have met him before his wife, WE would be together. The thing I don't know is, would it last.
I think a lot of women in this situation feel like the married man they're involved with is the one and the wife is in the way. But really think about it, is it just lust after something you can't have, or is it really love?
I do love him very much and care for him very deeply. We have only been intimate a few times and they were wonderful. I think about him constantly, I wonder what he's doing, where he is, what he's thinking about, is he thinking about me? I have completely surrounded myself with him. I know it needs to end because it's getting me nowhere. He won't leave and I will never be happy with my life this way.
At our company Christmas party I was a mess, but hid it well. I went alone with girls from work, and he of course brought his wife. It killed me to watch him slow dance with her. I actually went into the bathroom and cried.
I can't stand the jealousy and hatred I have for his wife. She is not a bad person, but she isn't the best human being either. She does treat him rather poorly and he just takes it. It hurts me to see him treated that way when I know I could make him happy.
I realize I am kind of going back an forth, but I just need to get these things out. While at our Christmas party, my friend (who knows about the affair) asked me if this is how I want my life to be. I hear him ask me that question everyday. No, I don't want my life to be like this.
What kind of life do you lead when all you do is sit at home alone and think about a taken man. He has told me repeatedly that he loves me and I make him happy. I really don't get to have any contact with him outside of work because his wife is very controlling and suspicous. It's amazing to me that we have gotten away with what we have done in the past.
When I see him at work, he is all about me. He rubs my shoulders, makes sexual comments to me, kisses my neck and things like that.
I know I have to end it and walk away. He and his wife started counseling a few months ago, but it isn't doing much for them. His therapist told him to write down everything that he considers makes a good wife and mother. He told me about this "project" and said when he wrote these things down, he was thinking of me.
I know if the kids weren't involved he would have left a long time ago. I don't despise his kids, they're wonderful little sweeties. I just wish I could have met him before her.
I had a very long talk with myself today about the situation I am in. Yes, I actually talked to myself. I have decided to end it. I have made this decision a dozen times in the past and not stuck to it, but this time it feels different. I have decided that I can't do this anymore. Today I was working and he stopped in to take care of some stuff. His wife was with him. I saw her, didn't talk to her though. What really hurt me is that he didn't even come in and say hi to me. He knew I was there. I understand he couldn't have come in and taken a seat and shot the breeze with me, but a quick "Hello, see you Monday" would ahve been nice. To me, that proves that I am really not that important to him, despite what he says. I feel very used, and this is not the first time he has made me feel this way. This has been going on too long. I feel like I'm put on the back burner when things are going okay at home for him, but as soon as he and his wife begin to fight, he is at my side. He is not a user, he really isn't. I don't think he does it intentionally. I am the first and only person he has cheated with. Thats why we have been intimate only a few times, he's afraid of getting caught. His wife is a little unstable and he's afraid of she would do if she found out.
I have decided to be a selfish bitch. I'm tired of bending over backwards to make sure he his happy and getting nothing in return. It's time to concentrate on me. I am going to get back on my diet (which I was doing very well at before this started with him) and I am going to do for me. Nobody else is. I'm going to put myself out there and find a nice SINGLE man who will be greatful of the love I have to give him. Someone who will love me the same way. Someone I can fall asleep with and wake up with. Someone I can go out into public with and not worry about who might see us. I'm almost 30 years old, I have to live for me.
Don't get me wrong, I don't hate him, I could never hate him. He will always have a special place in my heart. I just can't allow this to go on. As much as it is going to hurt and as hard as it is going to be, I am walking away. It's over.
My advice to many of you women who know it needs to end and just can't imagine it being over...Live for yourself. He will not make you happy. Be strong, and you'll get through it. Thats what I keep telling myself. Its about me and its about time!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2006): I know what you're going through I am in a similar situation. I recently decided that I needed to get on with my life and stop seeing the married man I am seeing who like you works in the same office with me (actually only a few cubiciles away). We have been secretly seeing eachother for 2 and a half years. Anyway, after making this difficult descision I finally decided to start dating other men. My married guy said this is a good descion because he could in no way leave his wife,because he has 2 small children and said his wife was very spiteful and he will never see his children again. I always felt sorry foor him because of this fact and loved him even more because he was such a wonderful father and loved his children so much. Thats why it hurt so much to finally make this desicion. He said he would always love me and be there for me. I told please dont change your attiute towards me. because the thing i loved about our relationship more then sex was our wonderful friendship. He promised to never change. Than all off the sudden after the new year him and his wife start getting into these fights like everyday and he refuses to tell me the details of these arguments. He starts being mean to me and when I want to take a break to talk to him he says he has nothing to say to me. Why couldn't he just stay friends with me why the change I dont know. Maybe the whole time we were together he was lying to me about the relationship between him and his wife. How could I be so stupid. Just remeber when you are with a married man you are always second best. I think it is a self esteem problem we women have. iwant to overcome this but I dont know how can I do that when we still work together and neither of us want to leave because it is a good job and there are not many jobs out there. I know if I could be away from him I could heal. And I know it was me in the 1st place who wanted to end the relationshiop but I guess I always harbored hope in my heart that we would one day find away to be together. When I am alone all I do is cry. Please help me with some advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2006): I'm going to say something to you that you're probably not going to like but I think you NEED to hear. This man is nothing but a cheat. Look down the road a few years - you'll be in the same position you are now - and so will he! If he's not cheating with you - he'll find someone else to cheat with because this is what he does!! The sad part is that women need a "connection" with the man. But men can have sex for sex and will lie and say anything to the woman to get it and then they go home and sleep with their wifes, and if they tell you any different - don't you believe it. Lieing and cheating go hand in hand. These guys have very little character and integrity. I know it will be difficult - but if you really want to end this - don't make yourself available to him in any way. Don't see him - don't write him - don't answer his calls. Eventually, he'll get the idea. I'm saying this from personal experience. You can do it if you really want to. Good luck to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2006): Just remember one thing. He's a cheat. If he wasn't cheating with you - trust me - it would be with someone else. That's what he does. HE CHEATS! Men like this are short on integrity and character. He goes home at night and sleeps with his wife - and if he tells you he doesn't he's lying. But lying and cheating go hand in hand. It's hard - I know to end this. It's like giving up smoking. You think you'll never get get over the urge - but time, my friend heals. Stay away from him. Don't answer his calls. He's not worth it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2005): I have been having an affair with a married man who was my law professor ten years ago. I love him very much, and I know he loves me. It has gone no where... he has had his cake, and continues to eat it too. Now I am ten years older, and have nobody. Run away fast! PZ has been the worst thing to have ever happened to me because he has stolen so much time fromn me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2005): i am in love with a married man and i am having his baby
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2005): I can wholly understand your situations. I too am in love with a married man, who has told me that he is in love with me and is always alluding to moving out and taking 'the big step', but then seems to swiftly change the subject, to go back and forth. I am finding there is a constant battle between heart and mind, and all your resolve and firmness seems to crumble when you see that person. My main worry is that, the longer the relationship carries on this way, it will become impossible to change, to move forward. Personally, I'm going to attempt to create some distance with him, and see how he responds to that. I understand your fears, ladies. I can only hope that we all find some courage and resolution to these trying situations.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2005): I can emphatize with you as once I was in a similar situation and I am still getting over the heartbreak that came with it. He has two lovely kids (twins) and everytime he was away, the feeling of guilt and jealousy was more then I could take. He adores his children, even e-mails pictures of them to me, but the love for his wife is not there anymore. She is more like a sister to him then a wife. They have stopped being intimate for 7 years now. He loves me, but the thought of leaving his children is too much for him. I can understand, but I love him so much too and everyday and night, I can only dream of being with him. I told him to tell me to move, knowing that it will be easier for me to pick up the pieces and move on, but he said that he cant do that as he loves me too much. As much as I love and adore him, I know that he cannot have the icing and the cake at the same time, or rather, the best of both worlds. Although he does not get love from his wife, but his children adore him and when he is with me, I give him all the love that he needs. I have decided to move on, for the feeling of anguish and guilt was getting too overwhelming. I love him dearly, but I cannot build my happiness on the ruins of another family. It is so hard, I've cried everynight, but I know I will have to pick up the pieces and move on. If he has to leave his wife and kids, it has to be on his own will and I do not want to be the reason for that. Lastly, my advice will be to move on, as hard as it is, but sometime we do not realise that we are equipped with an inner strength within us. Use that and know that no matter what, the odds are, he will stay with his wife and kids and you will always be the 'other woman'. If he leaves his family, it has to be because he wants to, but dont leave YOU be the reason for that.
All the best!
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reader, shania +, writes (10 November 2005):
 A married man never leaves his wife,you might get the odd few but its rare.Married men who have affairs,want their cake and eat it.They get caught up with the thrill and the excitement but still want the love and the stability from their wife.If the man was truely unhappy with his wife and was totally in love with his mistress then he would leave his marriage,it would be simple as that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2005): I too am in love with a married man. We first found each other on a sight for sex. I was also married and in the process of divorce. I knew he would never leave his wife, business. See he is very rich and has his days free like I do. We started our relationship as a sexual one and then it became emotional. His job is busy again and the time we have is much more limited. He just wants to hang out, have some beers and forget the sex part. I want to break up with him but he helps pay for my new condo and even if I got a second job I couldn't afford it. I guess I will just disappear and he can leave the money under my door. I just have to keep busy, date single men again and just forget about the married man...
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2005): I am going through the same thing for 2 years now. He wants to leave his wife, but i have a boyfriend ,he doesn't really treat me right and yet i can't break free from him. My times with the married man are fun, we have become very intimate and i have never loved anyone like this before, neither has he. He wants me to break it off with my boyfriend and go with him, but i can't because i still care about him.
I am afraid of leaving the boyfriend only to find out that the married man and i aren't suitable for each other after all.
The right thing to do is to go on with my life as you should too and move on to someone that you don't have to share them with anyone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2005): My suggestion is just leave him alone and go on with your life. You are still young and there are plenty of opportunities out there. Why should you restrain yourself to this married man? It is very unlikely that you will have a future together, so stop wasting your time.
One more thing, the most painful thing when you develop an intimate relationship with a married man is that after all those romantic time you spend, he will go home and sleep with his wive on his side. Isn't it painful and unbearable?
You love him and he loves you, but the path ahead of you is complicated and rocky...
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2005): We are in the same boat, but my case is probably more complicated. I am married with two lovely young boys, but my husband stays in other state.
Out of loneliness, I have developed intimate relationship with a married man, who is also my good friend. He has two young kids too, and he seems to have a perfect marriage, despite an over-controlling wive. He loves me and I am also so madly in love with him. Our time together is so precious and blissful, yet we have to keep playing hide and seek, because we are both married and we don't want our partners to find out about the affair. We truly enjoy this secret affair.
I have tried to break up this odd relationship, but it is extremely painful. I know I will be so lonely without him, and I know that he needs me, too. But it is so sad to think that we do not have future together. I always feel that I simply waste my time since he won't be mine anyway. But I just can't stop loving him...
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reader, michelle- +, writes (2 October 2005):
Hello..
I'm in a similar situation. Actually, when I was reading your question, It was like reading my own problem. My "boyfriend"is also my colleague, he's married and 24 years older than me.
I know he loves me, there have been so may times that we've tries to break it off. it all became a drama everytime. both crying and eventually neither of us was able to let go.
But I have to...cos I know he won't divorce his wife; becos of his kids, becos of his family..so many reasons. but there's one thing I know..we don't have a future...and that hurts so bad..
But eventually..I have to let him go..to continue my life without him.
I know that it would be hard to stay friends, simply becos of the love that'll still be there...
Considering the fact that I'm still not ready to let him go...I can only say: be stronger than I am...
Choose your own happiness...choose life...even if it is without him..
It all comes back to one thing; You have to be happy with yourself..and I know that this situation doesnt feel good..
Realise that every break-up hurts. but it has to be a real breakup, to make a new start...
You'll find this feeling again, you'll love again...
I hope it's some comfort that you're not alone in this problem...
I wish you all the best,
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2005): I empathise with you, I am also in a similar situation. I see a married man with 2 kids. I wish I had the courage to leave, but I do not. I tried seeing other men, but it just makes me lonely and sad - i miss him more.
I have no answer to how you may cope with the break-up, but I just want you to know that you are not alone. I hope we will all walk away from this, stronger than ever before.
My man has said that it is my call - that he will never break up with me. But u know men - less calls... less meet ups.. It hurts so much. I know, i know, he is busy.. But, i am only a woman, i miss him.
I hope that you will get out of this soon, as i wish i will too. Pls know that there are others who care, even when u feel like u are all alone. We all care.
All the best.
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reader, Bloom +, writes (9 August 2005):
I must say, it is a sad situation and even sadder because I am in the same situation. I work with the married man I am having an affair with and this fact has proven so difficult coz its so hard to break it off. I see him everyday and every time I want to break it off with him because I'm having a minor guilt trip or maybe coz he hasn't called me at home, I can't coz I am so scared to lose him. I don't know if I love him, or if its just the loneliness making me hang on. We have fights, most of the time coz there are times when he is just so incommunicado, but when we do make up, its so wonderful! We talk endlessly, we are very close friends, but for the sad fact that he is married.
I guess I'm no position to give you any advice, but from what you say, he seems very selfish. He says he wants you to be friends and nothing more then he still wants to be intimate? He should come out clean and say what he really wants out of your relationship. Does he want to continue with the affair? or not? He shouldn't give you mixed feelings. Its always better when you are in the know, than in the maybe. Then when he does that, gauge yourself and see if its what you want. If you want to continue seeing him, then you should stop minding his status and come to terms with the fact that he might NEVER leave his wife for you. I think when you accept that, its a lot easier to live with. Don't give yourself false hope, it hurts more. On the other hand, if you think you deserve more, walk. Don't look back. It's a hard thing to do, I know but if you tell your heart that you deserve more, then live by it and get through the grieving process. In time, you'll get over it and move on.
I have chosen to stay, coz I really don't mind that he's married. I am a very independent woman and I always need space, so for me this just works fine. I must admit in the beginning, I was filled with a lot of insecurity, but over time, I've just come to accept it as it is. When I feel I want to move on, I will, but right now I really don't want to.
Its hard and my heart goes out to you, but be strong and think about what YOU WANT, that's what is important. Hugs!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2005): I understand your situation COMPLETELY. Just today, I am still trying to cope with someone I really love very much. He is married. He has been my best friend for long-long time. We do talk intimate details, flirtiatious details, more than what his wife and anyone I know think what is between us on special friendship. We have special friendship. Only one thing, I wish he leave his wife. I have grown to love him more than best friends. He knows that. I know he has feelings for me, but not same as mine. He wants to try work out with his wife first. He is trying hard to draw the line. He is more brave and stronger than I am. I am trying to cope how to put special feelings aside and stay best friends with him. I never want our friendship to dissolve. But my love is there already and that is hard- and I know that the bottom line is to cease the friendship and move on so I would not be sad continuously after I hear from him every time. That is heart-wrenching for me. For your situation- do not ever contact him again, learn to ingore him. In my situation- I am still deciding whether to ingore my best friend or not. I just wish I have not developed love there. I know it is partially his fault, because he has said some intimate details and other things that he should not say to his best friend and should say to his own wife. His wife knows we are best friends. But she does not know that we have shared so many secrets that nobody know about. That is hard for me. I am trying decide whether to visit him and his family in 30 days from today. I know he is good at drawing the line, but I see him in flesh and that would continue to make me heart-wrenched. Know what I mean? Am I stupid to visit my best friend who I love dearly?
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A reader, nicola, writes (4 March 2005): You should never go with a married man. My hubby did that to me with someone and it broke my heart and my family up. I am sorry I am being mean, but you don't know what it's like 'til you have it done to you. I hope you do find someone and will be happy. nicola x
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A reader, Bill, writes (2 March 2005): I was in that boat with you. I was in a relationship for 4 1/2 years with a married lady. We spent every possible minute together. We talked about our future, hell we made plans. We were soulmates, everything about our relationship was meant to be, we called it a GOD thing. He was the one that put us together, we thought. We were perfect. She was everything I've every wanted and always dreamn't about. And I was her dream come true. She told me she cared about her husband, but that they were no lomger sleeping together, and all that stuff. This went on for four plus years. She got pregnant with my child, lost it. We went on get away weekends together. If there was a minute of a day we could see each, other we did. Even if it was "she was running to the grocery store" I would meet her there, have our few minutes and go. Didn't matter were or what I was doing, we met every minute we could. As time went on, I think in some way I let her husband know what was up. She told me that she thought he was looking into her email, and not to use that address any more. And for some stupid reason, I did, and he did find out. Well it came down to, what do you want to. Her ball, her court. She has 4 kids, 3 were still at home and in school. She told her husband the truth about me, and how she has never felt what we had with anyone, how much she loves me, desires me. She even told him that the thought of him touching her made her sick. But he still wanted to forgive her and keep their marriage together. She talked to her children, they went nutso, crying the thing. Of course she got the big quilt trip, from him and the kids. Long story short, she chose him, for her childrens sake. We said our good byes, kissed a lot, cried a lot, and went our seperate ways. The last thing she said was, she was sorry for hurting me so bad, and that she loved me more then life itself, and that our time will come. Shit you got me kind of crying now. I talked to her once since that day, that was 2 plus years ago. I miss her so bad,it's unreal. But I had to move on. I could not stay around in the back ground hoping, wondering, and doing all the what if's. I thought "hey I'm a guy, I can get over this" Even though it's hard and it hurts like hell, you have to some how let go, for your sake and the sake of his kids. They need a mommy and a daddy in their life together. So they don't grow up in a dysfunctional family and get all screwed up. So like I said it's not easy at all, trust me. I would drop everything in a heart beat if she called me today, but I'm not counting on that. And every relationship I enter now, if you want to call them a relationship, is messed up. I some how screw it up, or something. I guess I'm trying to hard to replace her. I meet someone and then the big check list comes out, how much like Jules is she. Does she this, she doesn't that. I feel you should definitly talk to someone, a counseller, minister, someone. And go to them more then one time, you'er not going to be fixed in one visit. Stay positive about your self and life, and try not to compare, you'll screw up any chance at another love. Stay strong and don't fall for his BS. He is not going to leave her. Good luck
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A reader, loz, writes (1 March 2005): First of all I would like to express my sorrow for the situation you are in. Most people have the image that 'the mistress' doesnt get hurt, well anyone can get hurt as you know. You need to think about what you want and need - the first thing will probably be to think you want and need him, but think past that and think what you want, how you want to feel and how you are going to achieve this. For example, if you want to be in a loving trusting relationship and feel love and trust for that person and hope he feels the same back - you know that you are not going to get these from this man. You need to act on how you are feeling and do what feels good to you or helps you recover from this - not what helps him or makes him feel good, that is his and his familys job. If he wants to end it then he has to understand that everything ends, he CANNOT just use you to pick up his mood because by doing this he is trampling your's into the ground. You need to love you for a while, treat yourself to a girly night out/in and to some new clothes and makeup - a total image revival if you feel this will pick you up! Do what makes you happiest!(as long as it doesnt invole him!!!!)I wish you luck and happinss in your situation.Loz x
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