A
female
age
30-35,
*wanSong
writes:First post in here, I really need help.I'll get straight to the point; I'm in love with my university lecturer. He's introduced me into a whole new world of my subject area that has inspired me to carry on my education and we can have conversations for hours about everything. He's everything I've always wanted in a man; physically yes he's attractive, he's older (I'm 21, he's 34) but I'm in love with his mind; he's passionate about his work, I can have serious, intellectual conversations about anything for hours and hours, he's given me a spark for life.My question is what do I do?I can't stop thinking about him, I want to be in his world, I dream about him and think about him, I want to sleep with him, I want to have sex with him, I want to be a part of his intellectual world. Whenever I saw him on campus I got butterflies in my stomach, I'd do anything to see him. However I know that I cannot have a relationship with my lecturer because of favouritism-as well as being unethical, I don't want him to lose his job, but at the same time I can't help feeling what I feel. Should I just try and forget about him? I don't know how he feels about me, he's called me awesome before, he's always saying hi to me in the hallway and asking me for coffee. Should I try and make a move on him after my MA? subtly seduce him over the year? I'm really stuck, it physically hurts loving a man I can't have, deciding what to do is torturing me inside.If you need more info I'll answer them. Please try and help me.
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female
reader, SwanSong +, writes (19 July 2014):
SwanSong is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: saw the lecturer at my graduation, still had a great deal of feelings for him, he congratulated me and commented about how happy he was for me returning for a Masters and how proud he was of me. He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, I felt so happy over night and through the rest of the day. But today I found out that he did that to all the girls he taught.
I realised then that he doesn't single me out as anything special, I realise now I'm just another student to him and nothing is really going to happen between us. It hurts but I can get over him, Ill just appreciate him as a lecturer and for what he has taught me. I can't believe I how stupid I feel living in a fantasy.
Thanks for the replies though guys, really helped me when I was desparate.
A
female
reader, -BMBTL- +, writes (17 July 2014):
 Thanks for your update, and I'm glad you understand the fact that he is only doing his job.
You are engrossed in the moment, and for now just enjoy learning from him and realise that you WILL move on, I promise you :)You can think about him sure, but realise that on a 'real life' basis, there is nothing there. I know it's hard to hear that but it's honestly true.
In five years you will look back and realise that, I have! :) xx
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A
female
reader, SwanSong +, writes (15 July 2014):
SwanSong is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Guys,
Thank you for replying quickly, it's great to have advice from people close to his position. I understand what you both are saying about him only doing his job and part of his character...I guess I'm living in a fantasy because no-one has done that before. I do know that he is single, has no kids because he talked about it during one of our chats but I guess it isn't going to happen realistically.
Both of you make sense, he's only doing his job, and he's very good at it, he may inspire another girl like me.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (15 July 2014):
 Hello OP
I am going to try and give you some honest advice.
I am 31 and teach at a University. On a daily basis I work with students your age. As a tutor and teacher, it is my job to inspire, engage and get my students to a point where they are excited about learning - everything that your lecturer has done for you.
I am friendly with my students. We do go for coffee, have chats in the café, it is a far more friendly and down to earth situation than being at school. But there are still boundaries. I see them as my students only, and there is a line that should never be crossed.
Most tutors take their students for coffee at some point. This is not unusual. My own professor was always on the lookout for someone to have coffee and a chat with. Mainly as a way of using up his boundless energy and avoiding the boring paperwork he didn't want to do! There was no way this was anything other than pure friendship and camaraderie. Bless him, he relied a lot upon his students to help him with various aspects of modern technology (computers, scanners, cameras.... anything involving electric really), and the help was rewarded with lunch, coffee and drinks in the bar. Nothing more than a mad academic professor being eccentric! In my time I have booked hotels for us when we travelled to conferences together, air tickets, hire cars, all for work related trips as part of our research project. All of it because he was totally incapable and it was easier and quicker for me to do it.
At 31, my students, are 18, 19, 21. I chat with them, laugh with them, if I see them in the corridor I say hello. Friendly banter can make them relax and engage more with the work. In a learning situation, if you can break down the scared barriers, you can unlock their potential. But I look at them, and they are babies. They just look so young. Most of them are only 10 years younger than me, but there is no way I would ever want a relationship with any of them. They are of a different generation, like different things, and have a different outlook on life.
This will apply to your tutor too.
At 34 he is almost getting to the point where he is old enough to be your father. He is not looking at you as a potential girlfriend.
What do you actually know about your tutor? Most will not openly discuss their homelife. Do you even know if he is single? he could be married, have children, even be gay. You really know nothing about his private life.
Academic jobs are so few and far between, if he is on a permanent contract there is no way he would jeopardise that to have a fling with a student. It just wouldn't happen. His career would be over.
I agree with caring guy. You are infatuated with this man who is intelligent, has a position of authority, and he has unlocked a spark in you. He has totally done his job as a university lecturer - awakened your passion for learning.
My advice, keep him as a fond memory in your brain. You can look back at your time at uni, with happy memories of the lovely tutor who helped you find your passion for your subject.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2014): You're infatuated with who you see him to be, mixed with the fantasies filling in the gaps ;) It's entirely normal, but you shouldn't act on it at all.
FYI, as I'm sure you're aware, trying to "subtly seduce him" will end up with you either being rejected, and possibly losing enthusiasm for his teaching because of it, or it will cause SERIOUS trouble for his career and pulling his professionalism into question. Not a good idea.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2014): I've had professors who were absolutely sweethearts and it meant nothing, we just had great conversations about topics we both enjoyed, some people are just very nice without it actually meaning they're romantically interested in you. I'm sorry to say it, but it's probably flattering to him that you look up to him and some men like the ego boost, but assuming that he is also interested in you, I would wait until he's no longer your teacher to speak about your feelings. best of luck though
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A
female
reader, -BMBTL- +, writes (14 July 2014):
I know how you feel, I was in love with one of my teachers at school, but I never knew the person that I was in love with.
It was an ideal scenario in my mind, so I was able to escape into my thoughts and idealise this person in my head. It made school a lot easier, as they occupied my mind so much!
But honestly, it's not going to go anywhere, that is his job to help people, to explore their minds, to develop your knowledge, it is only because you haven't experienced such a deep thinker or as you put it 'he's passionate about his work' - Which is exactly what he is doing.
Unfortunately, it is just an infatuation, which will pass when you have left uni, you'll move on and realise it was just a 'crush' as childish as it may sound.
I'm sorry, I know you were looking for a different answer, but this is SO very common.
Good luck! :) x
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (14 July 2014):
My Dad was a lecturer at college, and he was always polite and mannerly etc, just like your lecturer is. And he had the same problem (even at 50 odd!) that sometimes a student would fancy him.
It never went anywhere. For all his faults (and there are lots), he was professional. The chances are, your lecturer will be professional as well.
The problem is, you don't really love him. You are infatuated with an illusion. He has done exactly what he is paid to do- he has given you the spark for life. Your mind is now open to learning, and a whole new world, and as he introduced it to you, it's natural that you have a thing for him. But you don't really know him. All you see is an act. You see an intellectual man who has open your mind. Behind closed doors, he will be a normal man! And since he does so much lecturing at work, I'll place money that when he's at home he switches off and puts those conversations away in favour of TV or something (even if he says differently)so he can escape it.
At the very, very least, you can't do a thing until your MA is complete and you have left. He'll be sacked otherwise. And, by the time you leave, he will have started to lecture other students, and will have moved on.
As painful as this is for you, forgetting him is realistically your option.
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