A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:THIS IS WHERE I'M AT RIGHT NOW IN MY LIFE... QUOTES I FOUND ON LINE.. HOW DO I CHOICE A LIFE OF MY CHOICE INSTEAD OF A LIFE FOR MY CHILDREN? I can choose to stay married until the pain of staying married becomes greater than the pain of leaving. I choose to remain unhappy, unfulfilled, until I find the courage to leave.Why should I sacrifice the security and lifestyle until I absolutely have to or feel ready to change?That one percent feels like everything when I feel like I am dying inside. It is human nature to crave, need, and deserve physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy. From infancy we need that to thrive, and we need it the rest of our lives.Lonliness when you aren't alone is the worst kind of lonely. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (24 May 2008):
 Women have a tendency to say that they married a good father
to the kids but a lousy lover to them when things don't go their way.
They may even be jealous of their partners loves for their children.
They expect the men to be a good provider and a Casanova in the bedroom.
Just as the man would like his wife to be the lady of the house and a courtesan in the bedroom.
I suppose people have high expectations from each other and thats why many marriages are on the rocks.
A
female
reader, SuzieH  +, writes (24 May 2008):
Why would you put your family through this for the sake of security? That is simply selfish. You have robbed your children of seeing both their mother and father happy for the sake of having a comfortable lifestyle?? I have an issue with this because it sounds as though you are making yourself out to be the victim.
I was married at 16 and had my first child at 21. My second came along at 23 and I was strong enough to get out of the marriage at 26 because I could see how the emptiness in the home was affecting my children. I did not even ask for support to make sure their father could not use this in anger against them. You are not sacrificing yourself for the sake of the children you are sacrificing the children to be comfortable.
I am sorry for being so harsh but I simply cannot understand why women hold men and children as hostages for the sake of their own comfort.
...............................
A
female
reader, SuzieH +, writes (24 May 2008):
Why would you put your family through this for the sake of security? That is simply selfish. You have robbed your children of seeing both their mother and father happy for the sake of having a comfortable lifestyle?? I have an issue with this because it sounds as though you are making yourself out to be the victim. I was married at 16 and had my first child at 21. My second came along at 23 and I was strong enough to get out of the marriage at 26 because I could see how the emptiness in the home was affecting my children. I did not even ask for support to make sure their father could not use this in anger against them. You are not sacrificing yourself for the sake of the children you are sacrificing the children to be comfortable.I am sorry for being so harsh but I simply cannot understand why women hold men and children as hostages for the sake of their own comfort.
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (20 May 2008):
 Not teaching my 2 how to love is a big worry actually. I had a good relationship with their father, but they were only 5 and 3 when we split, so too long ago to learn from it. similar to what you said, i chose a good father, and he wasn't a bad partner, i just fell out of love with him. I wish i hadn't because they would of had a more stable upbringing. But they are happy now. I have just spent so long now in crappy relationships, it does worry me what they have learnt, and they are 13 and 11 now. Unless a miracle happens, i might never be able to teach them!
There dad however is in a stable secure relationship, so maybe that is something?
C xxxx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): I am probably not going to win popularity points but here goes....reading what you wrote in your initial question makes me really angry. You are full of self pity - poor you in this "dead marriage"! But you got yourself into this situation...you ahev made choices every step of the way! I feel sorry for your husband - from what you write you have lied to him for 17 years and have robbed him of the chance to be loved - why?? Why did you even have children when you knew you weren't compatible?? Do him a favour and leave...I would put money on it that he'll be glad once you're gone....I can imagine what a "fabulous wife" you've been.
I guess one positive trait you've displayed is that you seem to care about your children...so, end things as amicably with hubby as you can (no need to rub salt in his wounds and tell him half his life has been a lie - at least let him go with dignity)...that should help the two of you when deciding how to seperate, divide time with the children etc. Don't waste any more of his or your time.
...............................
A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (19 May 2008):
 It takes a lot of courage to leave an unhappy marriage and what finally made me do it after 10 years of marriage (6 of them unhappily)was the phrase 'You are responsible for your own happiness' by this I mean you cannot expect other people to make you happy if you are not happy with your life as it is. You have to take the steps yourself to find a happier life.
Children are not always better off just because both parents are there, my son was a shy frightened, nervous little boy who was so eager to please his father but never could and never knew what mood his daddy would be in. He is now a happy teenager who has a much better relationship with his father and his father actually turned round and said he hadnt realised what a lovely little boy he was until after we had divorced, if we had stayed together for his sake I honestly believe he would be a troubled young man now.
Dont rush into things, if you do leave this marriage plan where you are going or if he has to leave, and what you will need to achieve this but set a date and talk to people around you for support. i wish you luck x
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey +, writes (19 May 2008):
 I think a lot of people stay married or with a partner for the sake of the children, but in my experience it never goes unoticed by the children just how unhappy their parants actually are. Children will not thank their parents when they have grown, they will more than likely wonder why they stuck it out for so long, sacrificing their own happiness knowing that one day they would leave home and go on to live their own lives, regardless......
I think too many people live unhappy lives, racked with guilt about disrupting other's lives if they should choose to leave.
I say life is too short and we all deserve to be happy. We may make mistakes along the way and not always do the right thing by everyone, but unless we have the courage to change our lives ourselves and do what we think is right for us and not everyone else we will remain in the same unhappy cycle.
For those that are brave enough to leave an unhappy marriage and start again, it's not easy and takes time to adjust to a new life but worth it in the end.
For those that choose to stay in an unhappy marriage what's the point in living every day miserable, better to make the best of things it is ater all their choice, no point placing blame for their unhappiness on anyone else including their partner or children for keeping them in the situation, if it is their life choice they should look to themselves.
...............................
A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (19 May 2008):
 Well... my parents divorced when I was 9. I remember my mother asking what I though about it and I actually told her to divorce! My father drank a lot and they also used to fight a lot. Whenever he was home he was cranky and I couldn't really talk to him. He was/is not a great father, (of course, that did not change with the divorce) although I love him to death. But my mom moving on from this has led me to understand: 1. I deserve a good relationship, 2. if a relationship does not work, move on you deserve to be happy and 3. you will not die nor your children will die because you divorce. I will be forever grateful for this.
Meeting other step-mothers/step-fathers was always difficult and can become a tense situation for everyone but you deserve to be happy. If the relationship you are in does not make you happy, you deserve to move on. I assure you, it will not be the end of the world for you or your kids!
Also, there are things you can do to make it a peaceful transition. Talk to your partner, probabilities that he/she feels the same way are high. Make agreements on what you will tell your children and how long you will wait before introducing someone else. Be VERY careful about next partners for your kids sake and, finally, if you can, go see a therapist as a couple. He/she can help you do things peacefully and to take necessary precautions and steps to help your kids go through this with you. All of this of course if you can not solve your troubles as a couple and have tried anything imaginable.
Best of lucks!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): i can only say you have to choose a life that you think is suitable for yourself and your kids,your happiness is important,because if your happy your kids will be too,happiness tends to rub off on people.all parents tend to put their kids 1st,but 1st and foremost is a happy enviroment and the rest will follow
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo we teach our children how to be successful but not how to love?... I knew my situation was a mistake from the get go. I was too far into the whole situation that I didn't stop it. So here I am 17 years later and not a day has gone by that I continue with this mistake.. As I get older I realize that I make the choice to be happy and feel I have given my life to my kids. I am now starting to choose to life my life for myself. Will there be disappointment SURE.. Will there be PAIN sure.. But happiness comes with a price... I feel I have paid the price the hardest part is the children I did choose a good father just not a compatiable partner for myself.
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (19 May 2008):
I wish i knew the answer to this, because ive just spent the last couple of years avoiding getting out of something for the sake of mine! And it doesn't end pleasantly in the end i can tell you.
I will be interested to hear what other people say on this one. Its hell when you always put your kids first. You can get it sooooooooooo wrong.
C xxxxx
...............................
|
