A
female
age
41-50,
*stanie
writes:I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 years and now I've become unhappy in my relationship. He's a great guy but we haven't had sex yet and yes we had the talk but he is paranoid about pregnancy. I'm on birth control but he can't help being scared. He wants to be with me and he is content in our relationship. I definitely want to be with him as well, but I'm not happy because my needs aren't met! (by the way...yes I'm sure he isn't gay, or has a disease, or has any problems performing, or cheating!) so what should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, estanie +, writes (1 November 2008):
estanie is verified as being by the original poster of the question to "cowboy"....thank you! you're right...he has the problem and i usually make other people's problem my own...so i have to just bear with him and make him realize he has a problem and he needs to get help because i have done everything in my power to make him trust me. i'm on a birth control (IUD) where i can't get pregnant for 5 years! and he has always used a condom with other females in his past but now he wants to not use a condom and knows how it really feels and he wants to do that with me but is afraid! and we have done other stuff and i know he isn't with me just for the foreplay...i do see us together for many years later...but no i can't wait that long. i guess...i just have to let him know that if he doesn't seek help and another year goes by...then i need to move on cause it isn't fair and i can't be in a relationship if i'm not happy. thanks again!
A
male
reader, Cowboy  +, writes (30 October 2008):
Yes, I did wonder myself about the condom thing, as the chances of both methods failing simultaneously are infinitesimal
I didn't mention it because I assumed you thought of that pretty early on.
Sex isn't everything, but it's pretty important.
It's not just a bit of fun, it's a complex bonding act between partners. If that's missing and you're not happy about it (which the vast majority of people wouldn't be) then you are right to be unhappy about it.
You have posted this question because you've obviously reached the stage where you have decided that your unwilling celibacy has to end one way or another.
If you stayed with this guy for the rest of your life, would you be happy to never have sex again?
I seriously doubt it.
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A
female
reader, ggl777 +, writes (30 October 2008):
Sex is not everything in a relationship first of all.. and maybe you should use a condom also.. i mean what are the chances you will get pregnat using a condom and on birth control pIlls..
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A
male
reader, Cowboy +, writes (30 October 2008):
Two years is a long time to have never had sex.
I got my first ever girlfriend pregnant and she had an abortion. It was a pretty horrible time in our lives.
For a month or two after, I had a bit of trouble with worrying about it happening again, but I eventually got my head round it and now I'm fine.
It sounds to me like your boyfriend has developed a similar sort of fear (although not necessarily for the same reason) but he hasn't got over it.
Being that worried about making you pregnant while you are on the pill is not a reasonable or rational.
I don't know whether he's using that as an excuse to cover up some other reason, or whether he's somehow developed a phobia of sex, but either way he needs help sorting it out.
You obviously aren't happy with the status quo, and that will only get worse as time goes by.
Maybe you should have a good talk with him and urge him to seek professional help. I'd say he owes you that much given how long you have been together.
Another tactic (or maybe a way to start a conversation about it) would be to offer to do other stuff.
You can't get pregnant from giving him a blowjob, so if he refuses that too, then it could be a sign that fear of pregnancy is not the real or the only reason.
Try to be sympathetic, if you put too much pressure on him, you'll only make it worse.
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