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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hello, I hope you guys can help.I am almost 25 and a virgin. I can't quite find anyone who is good enough to a) have sex withb) have a REAL relationship with. It's just that I feel as if I have waited for the right guy but all the men I meet have had previous girlfriends, they have had unprotected sex and have kids, there is at least one thing wrong with them. So, here I am looking for The Right Guy but there are none about. IT then dawned on me that I might have set my standards too high and the older I get the more men I'll meet who have a past and baggage and kids etc. It just seems unfair because I am a very attractive girl, well educated and polite, great family background and I don't have any baggage, why should I have to compromise and end up sleeping with some guy whos had multiple sexual partners, god knows what kind of disease and children in tow. Can someone please help me out here?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): Have you dealt with the ramifications from the sexual abuse you suffered? I know how devastating sexual abuse can be to a persons perceptions on sex and love. You may not feel like it, but your borderline hatred for promicuous people might have to do with the person who abused you. (I still cringe at every time I meet someone named scott). If you, in any way deep deep down, blame yourself for "letting" the abuse happen, than you might be punishing yourself by holding out on love. My advice: seek some counselling because believe it or not, the abuse and your (dare I say it) fear of intimacy are probably connected.
Good luck in your search for peace.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 Hi again, I know Im posting an aweful lot on here, so sorry if you're all tired of me already. But I can't seem to stop wanting to tell the OP something everytime she posts. Everytime she says something that I feel that "hey, I know how that works, I can tell her if only she'll listen". So I will try again. I know you said you just can't believe what I say OP, but the great thing is that you dont have to believe in it for it to be true. You've never experienced love, and that is why you are naive in that respect. You have a fantasy about how love is and what love is that is cute and charming, but love is a stronger feeling than you give it credit. And if your heart is big enough, love doesn't reach a max limit, it continues to grow.
I wish I could have loved one person and married him and I know Id never love anyone again but stay true to my husband. When I got engaged at 19 my views were the same as yours. So believe me, I know how you feel. I know you want to have one eternal love and that you can never love again after it. As much as that is true, love can also fade. Love is a feeling that needs to be worked on, built up with time. If you neglect it it wont always stay at the same level, it will shrink and fade away. Same way if you work on love it will grow.
When my fiancee left me (he was an insecure idiot who didnt really know what he wanted) I was left with a commitment. I was committed to him still. Because I like you only wanted that one love and was so committed that there would be no other man in my life. I could have just killed myself after he left me because, well, I was not "allowed" to love again. Because in my head, true love never dies. So all in all I'd be stuck with a guy who didn't want me for the rest of my life.
That just sucked. I was only 20 when he left and I couldn't just kill myself either. Nor did I want to live life in misery knowing that my ex would move on and find love again, and Id just be sitting there in eternal pain. You get what I mean. After all the guy didn't die on me, so it's not like I'd disrespect his loving memory by moving on.
Much to my on one side horror, it was also an amazing thing to realize I could love again! Did that mean that my first love was a fake love? No it didn't. It meant that after all the heartache, my heart healed and was ready to love again. And it had just as much love to give to my next boyfriend, even more because he was a nicer guy than my first, so our love had the chance to grow stronger.
When someone you love die, the thing is entirely different. I've not experienced that myself, which I am grateful for. But my aunt has. Her boyfriend died in a car accident some 25 years ago. She never dated again. My mothers aunt, her husband was hit by a car and died, some 40-50 years ago. She never loved again either. So I know this is true. Some hearts wont heal. But some do. It doesn't mean love was fake or untrue. It doesnt mean the second one is getting leftovers. I hope that you one day will experience this and you will know what I mean.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI never ruled out people who didn't consent to sex! I wouldn't turn down a man if he had been raped! Never in any of my posts did it say that, christ, I was talking about men who had fallen in love and then broken it off, or slept around in a casual manner. I too was tampered with from age 8-10 by a male family friend. So by my own accounts I should rule myself out. I don't because I didn't ask for it.
Again, the fact that your ex-husband wasn't honest with you and did that awful thing was not your fault (as you know), so its not like you went into the relationship knowing you were going to break up because he turned out to be ill.
I never considered anything extreme or over the top. I never sat and thought...oh what if the man in question used to be a woman but then became a man and then got raped and then decided to become a porn star!?!
I'm talking about ''normal'' men, in normal situations. Imbeciles who spend their teens having sex with everything then waiting for the 'right woman' or the man who married a woman, then the marriage broke down for whatever reason. I just don't want to be the second one on the scene. I guess its ore of an emotional thing than anything else.
Q, thanks for trying to answer, I've actually asked the same question here before- about how one person can love person A then fall out of love with them and then love person B. Call me thick, it just doesn't seem possible to me. I am just not mature enough to be able to get my head around it. That or, I'm actually right and its all a farce and the second lover is just deluded into thinking that they are important.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (21 April 2010):
OP, I must say that once you listed up for the second time attributes you are looking for, one of my dear friends match it perfectly! He is 23, turning 24 this summer. Is in the army, never had a girlfriend and I dare say never had sex. Is handsome (I've had a year long crush on him and so have all the other girls he knows), polite out of another dimension, quiet, doesn't like to drink, doesn't smoke, used to be religious... Well he is the perfect catch, for you, and for every other girl he knows. To add in again, I had my eyes on him for years. Couldn't get him. You know why? He appears to just not be a very romantical person really. He had one previous relationship at age 13 with a girl in a wheelchair. And the only thing that keep me from labeling him gay is that he's been secretly in love with a girl for years now, and she's already in a relationship.
So can I rephrase what I mean: there are men like that out there. I personally know one. But what I also know about him is that is is EXTREMELY rare and hard to catch. He took absolutely NO interest in me or the other girls that came on to him, he didn't even register it. Socially awkward might be the word, but Im just saying, if he's the type you are after it explains why you've waited so long. The way I see it someone will have to smack a magic wand in my friends head before he will ever get himself a real relationship, or even open his eyes to the wonderful SINGLE girls around him.
Again, if this is the man you are after you will have a lot of work to do. Because in my experience they dont fall easily. And they wont pursue you. They wont even bother getting to know you because they are always quite satisfied with the friends they already have. You will have to work a lot, and do most of the chasing. And its no fun being in a one sided relationship.
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reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 Are you religious? Have you tried going to church to meet guys? I know that is a really bad thing to do if you are not religious yourself, and are only going to pursue the local talent, but if you are dead set on meeting a virgin, with no experience of love and relationships, maybe there will be a higher proportion of men who are waiting for marriage at places like that. Just an observation.
You may have better luck there, than hanging out in a bookshop.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question''You wanted to know if your standards are too high? Most of us think they are a bit extreme''Thats all I came here for. The rest of your post was uncalled for and dare I say it, a little mean.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): Youre parents are from a different generation. They grew up in a different time. My mom is always talkingabout how absurd it is to have to lock your door everytime you go out. Do you lock your door? You're parents never would have dreamed of dearcupid.org when they met in what, the '70's. Their experience is a lovely one, but not a very common one these days. Your expectations are completely reasonable, until you get to the never been in love or had sex part. You are going to have to compromise on that if you want a man. If you WANT to stay a virgin and demand virginity out of a guy, than do it. Just understand that you may never experience love. Can you live with that?Mostly everyone on here is pointing out that real life includes sex and love. What a sad life to live without even expereincing love?! I also was married and divorced. I loved my ex- until he pulled a knife on me and our baby, then locked us in a bathroom while he screamed about how he was going to stab himself and everyone would blame me and take away my son. Then later he tried to shove me from a car on a busy road with our baby in the backseat. I left. Later I found out that he was discharged from the military for having a personality disorder, not the medical reason he gave me. I was fooled, and put in danger. Wouldn't you leave too? Does that make me damaged goods; to never be loved again. I don't deserve a chance with someone who may love and respect me? Wait, according to your terms I should never have been loved. I was raped at 14. So technically I had sex. I mean, I didn't consent, but who cares? I still had sex right? I never should have even had a relationship with anyone huh? Do you see how outrageous your views on sex and love are? If you were 13 than yes, you could be his first. But at 25? How old were your parents when they married? Lighten up a bit and listen to people. My boyfriend had sex with a bunch of girls before me, but none of them could bring him to climax. I did. I wasn't his first, but I sort of was. What do you think was more special to him? I sure felt special! People are ore complex than you are giving them credit for. Plus, you are isolating yourself. if I was a guy I would run for the hills after hearing your standards!
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reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 Sorry, just read this: "I never want to have sex with more than one person and of course if my partner/husband died I would remain celibate!"
Okay, that's extreme. Naive, a little puzzling and a lot sad. Don't forget that life is unfair. You may want what your parents had, but you may not meet that guy who was wrapped in bubble-wrap and locked away in a monastery until meeting you.
Honestly, I think you are putting up walls to avoid having to become intimate with anyone. You're basing your assessment of men on 2 guys, a 16 year old player and a guy with an odd past. Your sample size is pretty small and very skewed.
"Is the world so crappy that there are no men like this left. I urge you to look at yourselves and those around you and decide if what I am asking for is unrealistic. If it is, then we might as well give up now."
At 15, there are lots of boys like your description. At 20, there are some, but their numbers are dwindling, as most people aren't terrified of intimacy and actually want to date. At 25, dwindling, dwindling. At 30, if you haven't been in a relationship or felt love, then I fear you have some sort of damage or issue that is preventing it. At 35, ditto.
So I guess what you're asking for isn't unrealistic, depending on the age. As you get older, men with your set of criteria are thin on the ground. And you know what? I think that's fine. They're out there, falling in love, having real, human, meaningful relationships (I'm excluding players from this analysis, btw); they're not scared of life or people or sex. They're living life.
If you want to give up now, that's your choice. But I think expecting us all to give up, to throw our hands in the air and say, oh no, "WHAT is the world coming to, people are meeting and dating and falling in love and having sex, what a crime," um, well, I think it's great.
You can give up if you want to. Principles are important, they are huge, they matter. They just aren't terribly cuddly at night and are crap at killing spiders and holding your hand while you sob at a corny film.
You wanted to know if your standards are too high? Most of us think they are a bit extreme. Take it or leave it. It's not going to make a bit of difference to us if you wind up happy with someone or if you wind up sadly alone, bitter at the world. We'll be off with our imperfect lives and our imperfect loves doing our own thing. If you want to sit and tut-tut, by all means, do so. We'll look back and you, shake our heads, and think, poor girl, she's locked in an isolation chamber of her own devising. Ah well, we tried, poor thing, good luck to her.
Good luck to you.
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reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (21 April 2010):
I don't share your values, as to me it is the man and the relationship that is important, not the actual sex. I think you are taking this to the extreme. You are cutting out the possibility of a really strong, loving relationship, just because a man doesnt tick all your boxes. NO MAN will tick all your boxes. Ever. It just will not happen.
Your list of wants:
"Nice, intelligent man. Good hygiene. Good sense of morals and and strong set of core values. "
This is not too much to ask, there are LOTS of men out there with these values, and more, but you HAVE to accept these men may also have a past. That doesnt make them a less attractive prospect,and it doesnt make them less of a nice person, or less caring, or less loving. How do you know you are not throwing away the chance to be with someone who really loves you, just because they may have had a previous relationship?
"Has had dates and even the odd gf but not been in love or had sex. Likes animals and reading. Quiet. Does not like to drink too much. Don't mind a smoker
This is a bit more demanding....I mean you are basically ignoring anyone who has been in love in the past. There could be MANY reasons why they are not with that person still, including death. But that does not mean, that these men are incapable of loving again. They may have been hurt very badly, and mislead by some silly cow who used them. But that does not mean they cannot love again.
Personally for me, the smoking bit would be a deal breaker in this. Yuk. You are perfectly happy to have someone who is prepared to kill themselves, have bad hygine (from the smoking), yellow teeth, and stink, rather than someone who may have had a previous girlfriend? This doesnt make sense to me.
You said you were happy to have sex before marriage, but what if the relationship didnt work out? Does that mean the first guy you have sex with will HAVE to marry you later? Would you turn into some kind of bunny boiler. What would you do if they didnt? According to your own views, you wouldnt be able to have another relationship, because you were used goods. It would be totally wrong to have another relationship, as you had already been in one.
I honestly do not know how you can compare men to cars and cats. And as for not liking your 4th cat as much as the 1st, that is just plain silly. Every animal has its own personality, its own spirit and they are all different. Just like people. Just as every man does. They are not the same, they cannot be compared on EVERY level.
One man may have slept about, had one night stands and been a total arse. Another may have had a couple of girlfriends, had sex, but be a lovely, wonderful, caring person. They have both had sex and previous relationships, but that is all they have in common! One I would date, the other I wouldnt touch with a barge pole.
Men have personalities and you have to get to know them as people before you get all judgemental about their past history.
I like men, and I really think you are tarring them all with the same brush which really is not fair at all. I have no doubt that you have probably just brushed away really lovely guys. I agree the one with the 18 yr old son was probably a no-go, BUT he is an extreme case. Most men do not have kids, most men do not have sexual diseases.
I think you just need to get a grip.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 April 2010):
"Nice, intelligent man. Good hygiene. Good sense of morals and and strong set of core values. Has had dates and even the odd gf but not been in love or had sex. Likes animals and reading. Quiet. Does not like to drink too much. Don't mind a smoker."
Okay here's a hypothetical. (Well, quasi-hypothetical, this is a real guy I'm describing.)
Nice, intelligent man, good looking, smells great, strong sense of morals and core values. Has been married, once. Wife died in a tragic accident over 3 years ago. He's good with animals (except he isn't too happy about he chipmunks that live in his garage). Doesn't smoke, likes his beer but prefers coffeee. Reads some but prefers household projects. Loves golf, belongs to the local club. Early to bed, great job, good cook, self-sufficient. Doesn't like vegetables. Knows how to separate the darks from the lights in laundry. Weighs the same as he did in college, with a flat stomach and slim hips and broad shoulders. A bit on the shorter side, not too short. Great sense of humor. Everyone in the neighborhood knows they can count on him to lend a hand. They didn't have children, so there are no step-children around. Has only ever dated and married his now-deceased wife. Still misses her but is ready to move forward in his life to the next chapter. This guy is a great catch.
Would you consider him? He's not sloppy seconds. He's not sleeping around. He's not a bar/club kinda guy, he's more the golf-club kind of guy. He's an awesome guy with a big loss in his life, but he has years and years of life ahead of him. He's alone through no fault of his own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to say I appreciate everyones input and despite me holding onto my beliefs I got what I came here for. I'm also being exposed to views and opinions that I wouldn't have been had I not asked. Some of it, believe it or not actually makes sense. My parents have been married over 35 years. They have only ever slept with each other. They never had bf/gf before each other and they waited until they got married. There has never been anyone else after either. They still, much to my horror enjoy a healthy sex life. I just want what they have.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMan veal is a bit extreme. Okay is this too much to ask:
Nice, intelligent man. Good hygiene. Good sense of morals and and strong set of core values. Has had dates and even the odd gf but not been in love or had sex. Likes animals and reading. Quiet. Does not like to drink too much. Don't mind a smoker.
Seriously. Is the world so crappy that there are no men like this left. I urge you to look at yourselves and those around you and decide if what I am asking for is unrealistic. If it is, then we might as well give up now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello,
It is I, the OP.
Where to begin:
q1605: ''WE don't inventory the attributes of our ex's and compare and analyze new prospects. You have been watching way to much TV. We love who we love when we love them. And if you love someone romantically there is only room in your heart for one at a time''
Okay, I assumed that this was always the case, that people used their exes as a sort of benchmark for everyone else that came along. At the risk of getting shot down, I had a crapy Nissan Micra as my first car and every car after that has been better than it. I always have in mind the cars I had before hand before I get another one. I compare, contrast etc. And no, I don't feel the same way about cars as I do men.
Your story of the ex wife was interesting. You married your first wife, so you must have loved her at one point. How can you then go onto love someone else? How could you replace her with the new wife? just EXPLAIN That little bit to me.
Tisha-1: I would venture to say that most people's experience is that when they have found 'the one', everyone in the past kind of fades into insignificance''
I hope this is the case because as I am becoming acutely aware, I will no doubt end up with a man who has had multiple partners given my age and the fact that I live in the UK, where people seem to start having sex fresh out the womb.
Chigirl: Thanks for your kind words, only I can't believe them. My forth pet cat meant no where near the same as my first one, Ginger. Yes I know, cats are different from humans but essentially its the same idea.
Celtic Tiger: Its nice to know some people out there share some of my views. These men are not suitable because of their past. As I mentioned earlier I met a lovely man a while ago, in fact he is still my friend but I refuse to go further with him. WE started to date casually (of course no sexual stuff happens on my dates) went to see a film, ate, walked etc. He was charming, intelligent and extremely good-looking. I really wanted to see more of him. However, he was also very forthcoming and honest about his past and I found that he had an 18 year old son and also he had lived with a woman for two years, a woman he did not love and who cheated on him at the end. He broke up with her and hasn't spoken to her since or dated anyone. This happened like six years ago. I refuse to get wound up in that messy affair. I don't mind him as a friend. I had a bf once (again no sex, just dates) and he told me he had sex when he was 16 with the girl at school who sleeps with everyone. Disease, anyone?
I don't have to be married when I have sex, i just want to be respected! I just want the man to regard me as special as I do him (he is after all the one I chose to give myself to) plus I would expect life long commitment. I never want to have sex with more than one person and of course if my partner/husband died I would remain celibate!
To the male anonymous guy being gunned here:
s losing virginity at 25 not really losing virginity anymore? What gives you the right to decide that this 25yo's virginity is less meaningful and emotionally-loaded than a younger person's? (It might be MORE, if anything.)
You might not admit it but you know my point was totally valid.
I agree. I couldn't have put it better myself with the 13 year old girl sleeping with the town player example. Somehow, I have become an old spinster type figure in my grand old age of 25 and obviously, me hanging onto my morals and values is just ridiculous. If you are 13 however, it seems to be the opposite.
JT: You said it all, Sloppy seconds. Why indeed. I think you should hold out for a special girl, you seem to be one of the few guys out there who seem to value sex and intimacy. There are far more virgin girls than guys and hopefully you will find one.
YEs My main point was sex. Despite everything, I am actually human and I do wonder and think about it from time to time and as I get older, I'm beginning to wonder what sex would feel like, what it would be like to make love to someone I love deeply and care for.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): It's not about 13yo girls. that was just a far out example. It's starting to get off point.
The poster asked for opinions. I was pointing out that I think there's a little inconsistency in the opinions on these subjects depending on who they're advising. People shouldn't change their tune as soon as they discover that they personally wouldn't meet the questioner's criteria. Principles are principles.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (21 April 2010):
Male anon I also disagree. A 13 year old is not the same as a 25 year old. The first time having sex is just as special, it's not about that. It's about how a 13 year old shouldn't have sex in the first place, is not mature enough for it, not metally prepared for it, is likely to become pregnant from it due to lack of better knowledge etc etc. There are a bunch of reasons why a 13 year old should not have sex with ANYONE, but there are fewer reasons why a 25 year old shouldn't have sex with a man she loves and that loves her back. Would we encourage this 25 year old lady to lose her virginity with the local man-whore? No. We do not. We encourage her to seek love and get to know a man before passing judgement. He might be a good man, a loving man. They might want to get married. And then their first time together will be very special. I could give that same advice to a 13 year old: wait until you find a man who loves you and until you are of age. My point to the poster is that true love will be special and unique, because it is a love that can only be between two people. It is not the same love he might have had for a woman in the past. It is a special unique love that he can only have for you. Which is why the first time will be special. But how can you meet him, and love him, and let him love you, when you don't even want to talk to him because he's had a previous sexual relationship?I am just saying, at least be friends and get to know them. In the worst case, if you find that the virginity is more important to you, you have a friend. In the best case, you might find a new meaning to life and find yourself happier than you ever thought you could be.
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reader, J.T.1988 +, writes (21 April 2010):
 OP I understand, I'm the same way.Sometimes I think (I've never had a girlfriend, never had sex, why should I have to settle for sloppy seconds) but if we continue to think like this we are just going to continue to be lonely for a long time.I'm not saying we should completely abandon all standards, but we are going to need learn to let some things slide.I know it sucks,I know it isn't fair but life isn't fair.Well good luck, I hope you find what your looking for if you want to talk just shoot me a message.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): Is losing virginity at 25 not really losing virginity anymore? What gives you the right to decide that this 25yo's virginity is less meaningful and emotionally-loaded than a younger person's? (It might be MORE, if anything.)
You might not admit it but you know my point was totally valid.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 April 2010):
 There's a heap of difference between a 13 year old and a 25 year old, Mr. Anonymous.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): It is often best to DEMYSTIFY SEX in the pursuit of happiness. Most of what needs to be said has been, but I just wanted to suggest that she is just the female equivalent of the guy who comes here and complains about his girl having slept with so many guys before him and how is breaking his heart...or any other versions of that story. The only difference is that this girl has actually tried fiercely- in an extremist sort of way to live up to her lofty (impossibly so) ideals- and those men have had an equally colorful past as their significant others, but still expect the woman to have shown more restraint. OP I am not saying it's bad to be idealistic, or expect your man to share your values (if not your code of conduct, but there will come a day (arguably the day you began asking this questions) that the weight of your purity will begin to weigh heavy on your heart. You need to demystify sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): To the original poster:
Try posting another question as a anonymous 13yo girl. Say that you want to give your virginity to the local flirty player because you want him to like you.
Ask if your first time is any big memorable thing to value, or if it's something to just get over with. Ask if the experience will mean just as much to the player even though he has lived with a different attitude towards sex and slept with many other girls already.
See if you get the same advice about how unimportant first times are. See what these same advisors say about your partner's past sexual history affecting what your sex means to him.
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reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (20 April 2010):
I am a similar age to you, I am also a virgin, and I am waiting for someone special to come along, but in many ways I cannot relate to how you are thinking at all. We are not teenagers anymore, and you have to expect people to have a past romantic history.
Why is it, these men are not suitable for you? WHY do you not want them to have any experience. Just because they have slept with one or two other women, does not mean that they think all women are sluts! It just means that sadly, the women in their pasts, who they may have thought would be the "one" turned out to be something completely different.
Have you thought that maybe, these men who you disregard so quickly, may actually have been hurt deeply by their previous partners? Maybe they loved them, and the women cheated on them? Does that mean that they are never allowed to have another relationship, because they are "damaged goods" having been intimate with someone? They can never have another chance at a relationship, because they had one that failed, due to no fault of their own?
I am with you, that virginity is something special,and should not be given away lightly but I am not deluded enough to think that the man I eventually give it to "has" to be one too. I wouldnt want to be in a relationship with a player, someone who had slept with lots of women, and had countless one night stands, but one or two past girlfriends.... that isnt really an issue. Try and have a little perspective on this.
Sex should be something special between two people, in a relationship that means something. It is how special that other person is to you that makes the act of sex special. A one night stand is just sex, making love requires a connection and deep emotion between you. But it is about what the other person means to YOU. Unless you get to know someone, their quirks, their personality, their sense of humour and feelings, you cannot begin to understand someone, or know them as a person. It is about the relationship - what that means to you. I would rather lose my virginity to someone who really cared about me, and who made me feel special, but had a history, rather than someone who was a virgin, wasnt really bothered about me, didnt really care, and just wanted to get it over with.
What you are doing is disregarding men, as "unworthy" just because they have slept with a couple of people. Have you ever stopped to get to know these guys?
Sitting in Waterstones and waiting for a virgin guy to come and say hello will not work. It just will not happen. You might have a guy who is confident with women come and say hello, but likelyhood is, he will have a past. It may not be extensive, perhaps a handful of women at the most, but he will have a past. But you dont want that. I have to be honest with you, you are unlikely to have a guy approach you, if he has not had past experience of some sort.
Are you wanting to wait until you are married to have sex?
Can I ask what you would do, if you found the love of your life tomorrow, got married, had sex, and then something happened. He died, got run over by a bus. What would you do? Would you live a life of celibacy forever? Or would you want to move on and find someone else?
How would you feel, if no one would touch you, because you had a past, and had been intimate with another man?
You should focus less on the past, and the sex, and more on the man you want to meet.
It is about the individual man. Yes there are those who will sleep with anything that moves, and I dont like that type of bloke. BUT there are also LOTS and LOTS of guys, who take sex more seriously, who dont sleep about, and have had only a handful of serious relationships. If they are caring, loving, loyal and above all devoted to you, WHY would you want to risk losing something that could be so special???
I would also like to say, that NO ONE is perfect. Not even you. Finding a partner is not about going down your lists of "wants" and ticking the boxes. You will have to compromise on something. NO GUY will tick all the boxes.
What exactly is wrong with these guys? Just give us some examples, other than having previous sexual partners.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (20 April 2010):
"So I'll be there at my most vulnerable state and he will feel little if nothing as he done all this before"Dear poster. This is not true. You have been fedd these ideas from somewhere, but they are lies. It WILL be special for him. It will. Because you are NOT anyone else, you are NOT just another woman. If he loves you you are special to him, and the first time he makes love to you will be very very very special. Do not feed yourself more lies. You being his second, or third, does NOT make you cheap, or a toy. Not at all. " I don't want to be less than the other woman in the eyes of the man, which I no doubt will be if I am the second lover." I wonder why you would say something so hurtful about yourself and think of yourself so low. Again, I repeat, you will NOT be less than the other woman. In fact I believe you would me MORE. Because for some reason him and the other woman didn't work, but he sees something so great with you that he will try for love again, because you are worth that risk. Why would you be less if you are second? You will no doubt be better. Because he is not with that other woman, he chose you, and if he marries you, that means you are the best one for him and he values you. You should trust in that, and not trust in these images you keep playing in your head. These images are false and you will only hurt yourself and drag yourself down. Try to be proud of who you are, no matter if you are his first or 15th. Because YOU are YOU no matter what, and a number is a stupid number that does NOT make YOU less special. And if you think the man you love doesn't love you back, and doesn't see how special you are, then don't go to bed with him. That same advice we give to every woman. But if you see that he loves you, values you, knows how special you are, then what is a number? Nothing. Women aren't labeled by numbers hun. You will still be you, and more amazing since you will have bonded with him on the most intimate level.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 April 2010):
I would venture to say that most people's experience is that when they have found 'the one', everyone in the past kind of fades into insignificance. You don't spend your time looking back comparing exes with the current love. The exes are history, over and done and honestly, not that interesting any more. Depending on the situation, they are either fondly remembered but not missed, or are remembered with a shudder and a little mental 'thank you' for being out of one's life.
Dating them doesn't mean you've been having sex with them either. It IS possible to date and NOT have sexual interactions with someone who shares your 'moral' code. It's all about the expectations of the individuals in the relationship. Be honest about that at the outset and there shouldn't be any issues later down the road.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 April 2010):
I agree with Tish and I think this purity thing you have going on is just a good excuse you've come up with to cover the fact that you are afraid of intimacy and really never want to have a relationship, at least not a sexual one. Counseling may be called for here, I'd look into if I were you.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 April 2010):
It's funny. You actually think the second person is diminished and I see it exactly the opposite. The person who you choose to be with, stay with, is the one who is put above all others. Any previous person is just a distant memory, and in a way, contributed to teaching you about relationships and yourself.
What I'm intrigued by is that you don't seem to have any middle ground. Either someone is "pure" and "untouched" [and presumably somehow better in your eyes] or they are "defiled" and "used" [and obviously despicable]. Either you are the first, or you are a cheap toy to be discarded. There isn't any middle ground. It's a pretty extreme sort of filing system you have going there.
You may stick to your "standards" if you cannot stand it. It makes absolutely no difference to me either way. It's just that I see it as a kind of rigid thinking that is keeping you from experiencing any sort of emotional or physical intimacy with another person. You have devised a way of avoiding getting into a relationship and blame it on other's failing to keep themselves "pure."
I'm fairly confident that there are a few guys like you out there. So your task is to find them. I expect there are dating sites catering to those who choose to be virgins before marriage. Perhaps that is where you should be looking. I think you should start soon, because your pool of potential partners shrinks with each year.
Good luck to you in your quest.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, this is going to be a long one!To marieclaire and @leasti'mtrying: Okay fair point. I guess I came here hoping someone would tell me that I wasn't setting my standards too high, to hang in there and not to compromise myself. I realise I came across a bit stubborn. I asked and you gave me your opinions and advice, and I thank you for that. To Betty: Yes, its perfectly reasonably to love more than once, I just cannot reconcile being the second or third person a man loves at that intimate level. I waited for someone special, and I would like to think that the other person did so. I don't want to be some cheap toy to be used and discarded. Tisha-1: I don't really have any irrational fears of intimacy or STD's. I take an appropriate stance on both. I don't want to be compared to another woman, this is true but more importantly I don't want to be less than the other woman in the eyes of the man, which I no doubt will be if I am the second lover. OF course I will look like a fool!! Imagine, I'm in love with a man who has had sex before and we come to make love for the first time…and I'm feel the experience to be intense and loving and I start connecting with him at a deep level. How can he possibly feel the same? So I'll be there at my most vulnerable state and he will feel little if nothing as he done all this before. I can compromise. On pretty much everything just not this. Thank you all for your help so far.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 April 2010):
I'm wondering why you're so angry at people who have had previous relationships that you cannot bear the thought of being with them. Or is it more like a phobia, a phobia of touching or being sexual with someone who has had previous sexual contact. An irrational fear of STDs?
A deep-seated self-esteem issue in which you cannot bear the thought of being compared to another woman in bed?
I approve of being selective and smart about sexual relationships. What I hear you doing is eliminating anyone who has had sex with anyone else, period. I understand ruling out players or people with multiple partners; that's all well and good.
But eliminating someone from your potential mate pool because he had ONE previous girlfriend? That seems a bit extreme to me.
If you're happy being alone in a continually shrinking pool of potential partners, that is entirely your decision. You will be alone with your principles at the end, and you are the one who has to live with yourself, after all. It's just that it seems to me you protest a bit too vehemently, I detect some anger there. Perhaps it is anger at this man who had the surprise son?
Besides misplaced anger, I sense that you are extremely concerned with keeping your dignity intact--you are VERY concerned with being made to look a fool.
You don't want to be made to compromise, fine. But I have to tell you this now, EVERY relationship that is intact and healthy requires compromise. Every single one. It is part of the natural give and take, natural balance of a romantic, loving relationship. If one partner refuses to compromise, ever, there will be TWO unhappy people in that relationship, and it will be short-lived, if the other partner has a healthy ego.
I'm just wondering why you come across as so rigid and unbending. What kind of relationship did your parents have?
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reader, BettyBoup +, writes (19 April 2010):
 "Yes, I agree that some men would have met someone special aged 21 with whom they went on to be intimate with. Then aged 40 met someone else and again, went onto have sex with them. Thats all very well. If it works for them, then so be it. I personally would not want to have anything to do with that man"So what you are saying is, that in your ideal, every person should have one sexual partner in their lifetime? Go with me here for a moment... What if, say in a years time, you meet your ideal man. He's been waiting for that special someone just like you and low and behold, you meet each other, get on like a house on fire, get together, and when the time is right, perhaps after being celibate together for a year or 2 and got married, you finally give yourself to each other....What if, it doesn't work out? What if 2 or 3 years down the line, he becomes a serial cheat, or physically abuses you, or what if he leaves you for another woman or dies prematurely? What if he turns out to be a liar or a completely different person to who you thought he was? What if he spends all your hard earned money on a cocaine, gambling or prostitue addiction? What if your relationship simply does not work out and turns into something ugly and unhealthy and you make each other so miserable that the only good thing you can do is split u?Would that mean that you should never be with and have sex with another person ever again? What if it was the other way around and a guy was left single after a true love ended somehow. Is it fair to say that he should not be given another chance at love?Of course you're entitled to your own view on sexual relationships and I commend you for having self respect in that way. But, what I'm saying is, don't be so quick to judge men who have had sexual partners in the past. There is a difference between having loose sexual morals and being a normal, decent human being who is unfortunate in their love life and who loses a partner through no lack of trying or wanting it to be their one, true, life long relationship.Life and relationships don't always play out as you plan them, that doesn't mean you shouldn't be allowed to try again. If you keep holding out for that one true life partner you may be waiting you whole life. I mean, what ARE you waiting for?You have to MAKE your ideal relationship happen and you have to work at it to make it last forever. You have to realise that sometimes things just don't work out no matter how much you want them to. Sex is an expression of love and it is possible and perfectly healthy and reasonable to love more than once.Good luck finding your man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): I was the second person to reply to this, so I have been alerted whenever there is a follow up. I gotta say: It's getting kind of annoying. Why did you ask for people's opinion if you are going to denounce them whenever they are presented? Everyone on here has good answers, based on real life experience. Their experience is just as valid as yours. Some have suggested how to pinpoint those qualities or where to meet a guy fitting those values. You do have to take opinions with a grain of salt, but ask and you shall receive. You have received, so stop complaining.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't say sex was the same as murder. I said the decisions you make allows people to form judgements.Judgments have to be made so that you can determine you like something (or not). All this don't be judgemental stuff is rubbish. How else can you make sense of anything. I think what you are trying to say is be a bit more empathetic, perhaps see things from the point of view of others who have perhaps led a different life to me. Yes, I agree that some men would have met someone special aged 21 with whom they went on to be intimate with. Then aged 40 met someone else and again, went onto have sex with them. Thats all very well. If it works for them, then so be it. I personally would not want to have anything to do with that man.
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reader, BettyBoup +, writes (19 April 2010):
I think chigirl says it best. I think you need to decide what key qualities you need in a man. Write them down. Aim for between 5 and 10 max. I think top of your list should be, 'does not take sex lightly'. There are guys out there who believe in saving their body for someone truely special. You may be hard pushed to find them at 25, because frankly most guys who've waited that long, won't have done it out of choice. But I have met the odd guy who has consciously chosen to to sleep with people when they have not considered it right and I know a couple of guys who I know are virgins because of this, as well as through not finding the right girl. So don't lose heart! There are guys out there with your values reguarding sex.I would suggest, as I began suggesting above, that you place a cosmic order, wish, prayer, spell(they're all the same basic idea) out there for your ideal man, the man who is perfect for you, not nessassarily 'perfect'. I know it sounds wacky, but... its worth trying right? You've waited this long, it can't hurt. I'm suggesting this because in the very least it will allow you to work out what you REALLY want in a man. No man is 100% right for you, every guy is human after all, so you need to look for someone who ticks your major boxes. That way, once you fall in love, you can forgive him his minor faults.So, find a quiet space and sit comfortably with a notepad and pen. Light a candle or burn some oil if you wish(pink candle and rose oil for love) and generally clear your mind of everyday thoughts. Breath deeply and focus you attention inwards. Picture you ideal man. What are his best qualities? What do you most love about him? Is it his faithfulness and the fact that he has waited for the right girl to sleep with? Is it his generous nature or his abition to succeed in his career? Is it his shared passion for a hobby you have or a love of children? Is it his kind blue eyes or gorgeous smile? List the top 5 or 10 qualities your man has, (however many feel right but limit yourself to 10 or you could be there all day) and write them down on your paper.When you have finnished, picture this man strongly in your mind and ask whoever or whatever you have faith in be it God, Buddah, angels, luck, destiny or the cosmos for example, to bring this man into your life and to allow your heart to be open to him. If you don't believe in anything, simply ask yourself to be open for a man like this to come into your life. Ask that you will be mindful of the good qualities of any potential suitors you meet.When you have done this, fold your paper up and either keep it somewhere safe and hidden from mind (Don't keep looking at it, just keep it for future reference), or burn the paper in the candle flame and scatter the ashes outside whilst visualising your wish being sent out to be answered.I have done similar and can report some surprising results.I wish you luck and hope you find the right one, but remember, everyone is human, therefore imperfect but needs love :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): There are male virgins out there who are older than you, desirable, smart, etc. What you want is very uncommon but NOT a myth. I know at least two of them. Not every guy f**ks everything that walks.
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reader, Starmonster888 +, writes (19 April 2010):
 The perfect guy is still a virgin at 25?
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reader, chigirl +, writes (19 April 2010):
Im sorry but I think your standars are a bit high when it comes to demanding virginity from the other man, as well as him being great in all other aspects. Be a little fair, most people world wide love sex and will have it as soon as possible. You are one of the few who value your virginity and want to "save" yourself. Your only hope is probably to join a church and look for others who have waited just as long as you. But then again they might not be as charming, handsome etc etc.
Decide which one is most important to you. That they are a virgin, or that they are a great person? People's sex history doesnt say as much about who they ARE, but more about who they WERE. After all, it's their sex history, not presence. Whereas you always knew what you wanted, many didn't know and had to experiment to figure that out. Or they love their bodies and sex is what they enjoyed having. It doesn't make them a bad person and it doesnt mean they have no respect for themselves. Those are your thoughts and ideas, not universal ones. What I mean is that even if to YOU such an act is respectless, to another person that same act can be one of highest respect.
So you should be aware that the values you have are not universal. You should not judges others actions by your values when you do not know them and their own personal values. Its fair to say that you do not agree, but it is not fair to judge. That is where I think you set your standards too high, you expect others to have the exact same value-system as you. They might have a very close one, but you seek theirs to be the exact one as yours. Which, I think, you'll have a hard time finding because everyone is an individual and will have their own ideas of moral and ethics.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMarieclaire: IF someone murdered a couple of people would you not judge them?
Its the same for sexual partners. Its the same for the friends you keep. Its the same for type of career you choose to go into.
What else can we use to judge people other than the decisions they have made? And how can you determine if a person is worthy of your time or effort without judging them?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone thanks for your response. ALthough I somewhat agree with you, Laura I don't think I am so educated and intimidating that I scare men away. For @leastiamtrying: I cant reconcile the fact that a man (or anyone, but we will stick to men at the moment as thats who I am interested in meeting lol) has had previous partners sexually. I feel like my virginity is special and I value myself highly. I will only go that extra step with a man that I felt valued me as much as I did myself. How can I have sex with a man who thought it was okay to sleep with anyone he met? It just does not seem as if thats a person who respects himself or the person he is with. I did meet a lovely man who was slightly older than me a while back, he was charming, polite and seemed like a great man. Only after getting to know him for a while, I come to learn that he had a son accidentally aged 21! (who accidentally has a kid) and then him and the mother broke up before the child was born!!! On top of that he was in a two year relationship with a woman who had a kid with ANOTHER guy. Thats a lot of baggage if you ask me. I put a stop to the talking. The decision to sleep with people is one that is paramount. How others can make is lightly is beyond me but I for one cannot just sleep with anyone. The number of sexual partners and the situations they have occurred in shows a lot about a persons character.
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reader, AskEve +, writes (19 April 2010):
 Sometimes if you're too keen to find someone then you find it never happens, chances are if you loosen up a little and just think "what the heck, I'm going to get on with my life and not concentrate as much on this elusive guy" then THAT'S when you bump into him unexpectedly.
You are right to have standards though, you might not find that "perfect" guy but one that's perfect for you. The older you get the less chance you are to find a guy without baggage but as long as his baggage isn't too "heavy" then take a chance. Lots of guys have had previous partners, some more than others, doesn't mean they have an STD, men can be cautious too you know. (smiles)
Life is not like the movies where everything works out perfectly in the end. Do something different, take chances doing something that you've always wanted to try but never got around to doing. Join a new club, visit a new coffee shop, go to night classes for something, make conversation FIRST if you see someone you like. Above all remain positive about life. Guys like women who are assertive and look happy so look friendly, laugh and smile a lot and don't take life too seriously. Above all don't make this the main mission in your life, get on with life and enjoy it and Mr Right will come along when you least expect him to.
~Eve~
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reader, Laura1318  +, writes (19 April 2010):
 As women get more educated and financially independent, their chances of getting married becomes lesser and lesser.
The availability of the right men becomes very limited. She will have to settle for a beta man or a househusband if she have any chances of getting married.
The problem lies not in the men but the attitudes of the modern day women.She has priced herself out of the marriage market.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your response caring guy.
I am not looking actively, I just look the best I can everyday and sort of hope I fnd someone. I am really into reading so I hang around in Waterstones with a Costa in them, I also go to a book club at the local library. I also enjoy the gym so I try and look good whilst I work out hoping someone comes up and says hello..they do only they are always women lol.
Thats pretty much all I do. I don't want to meet men in pubs or bars as its not really my scene so chances are I wont meet anyone who I have anything in common with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): well, most people have had multiple partners, so thats a bit extreme. There is no such thing as perfect, only perfect for you. His personality should compliment yours. If you are a workaholic or obsessively organized, you need a guy who is more laid back about life, but still has goals. Mr. Perfect is elusive because he isnt real!
What sort of baggage do you have? You want a guy who was dropped off of planet perfect, but thats not where youre from! If men were imposing the same standards to you, would you be a catch? Think about your values and hold out for a guy who shares similar values, but not your identical twin!
Loosen up, and enjoy life! Stop searching for a guy, and search for yourself. It sounds like you need to get on the same page with yourself. Do a friens survey and find out what kind of guy each of your friends sees you with, and why. Then paint a picture of Mr. Perfect-for-you out of that. Then stop looking for him and have fun with life!
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (19 April 2010):
There is no harm in looking for the right guy. But you say you can't find any. I can assure you they are out there, but you'll find is in a variety of places. Where you are trying to find guys?
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