A
female
age
41-50,
*ixieGwen
writes:I've been dating this guy for almost a month.We have a great time together but I keep worrying that he's gonna lose interest/disappear. Last guy I dated ending up disappearing once he got a car. I thought he liked me alot but apparently not. So now I have this fear that this current guy is gonna do the same. The guy I'm currently dating doesnt have a car - which is why im a lil worried. Aside from that, shortly after we met he told me all this great stuff..like he thinks hes falling for me, im so great - etc. He calls me daily/we see each other frequently but I guess because I dont hear anything ...I start to worry hes losing interest.Actions should be good enough right? the calling, inviting me over..stuff like that. The more I like him..the more I worry.I'm trying not to let this last relationship effect my current one and I'm trying my best to get my confident level back up to how I had it before (I am a worry wart but I've never been the type to feel this worried about someone who seems like they genuinely like me)Usually if someone like mes and I like them - then I'm fine.Also when is it appropriate to ask what we are? He said hes not dating anyone and hopes I'm not - which i told him I'm not..but I'm not sure if we're just dating or if we're a couple - It would be safe to assume we're a couple/exclusive..but I dont like assumptions? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, PixieGwen +, writes (13 July 2010):
PixieGwen is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks Cindycares - yes thats me/my real pic.Thanks for the compliment :) I wanna learn how to squash those abandonment issues/worries and just enjoy..
This abandonment stuff/insecurity is recent..and its def hard to get rid of .. im tryin though.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 July 2010):
 PixieGween, I am sure the other Aunts gave you good advice ; I admit I haven't read your post with my usual thouroughness - it's too damn hot today,here in Italy !
but, I want to add a generic,maybe frivolous comment...
So you are a bit insecure and with a fear of abandonment...
well,PixieGwen, is your avatar by any chance your real pic ? If this is so- the guy who is ever gonna abandon you is an idiot ! You are an incredibly beautiful woman - (and btw, I am totally heterosexual !)so if this guy should not stick around,it's HIS loss,not yours...
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A
female
reader, PixieGwen +, writes (13 July 2010):
PixieGwen is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell he makes money n what not - we're in the same situation - both injured on the job/works comp.. so we're currently in the same boat. I dont plan around him - i still do my same things w/ my friends/live my life etc.. i just fit him in my life.He expresses he wants to see me but allows me to choose when we hang out - he doesnt push or make me feel bad.If I were to ever take him anywhere - he gives me gas money/makes me breakfast/dinner etc..
I dont consider him to be a bad guy - he hasnt done anything for me to think that.. i just made the mistake of automatically comparing him to the last guy I dated. He's nothing like him except for the fact he doesnt have a car.I just want to give him a fair chance without panicking & enjoy him - if he's a bad egg..it'll be obvious at some point.
I will definitely try to go with the flow (i normally do..but lately ive been having trouble w/ it). thanks for your responses
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A
male
reader, Dr. Reality +, writes (13 July 2010):
Give him a reason to stay. Don't be the panicky GF who smothers a BF with questions and expects him to check in per hour. If you leave the birdcage open the bird is free to roam but eventually comes home. Dont tie him down, share his life. You never know whats around the next corner so stop worrying. If he leaves, he leaves. Each man will be different and your past relationships have little or nothing to do with the current one.
A relationship that needs much work is not worth having. Let it develop naturally and slowly and ride the wave to where ever it takes you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): You know what, there are some problems here. One you haven't healed properly from your last relationship, you are insecure in yourself. You really can't put your self esteem on having a guy to be with, you shouldn't have to have someone else there to make you feel OK.
Two, the guy is moving way to fast and declaring feelings for you right away. This is a bad sign because he is trying to manipulate you by doing this. He gets you to feel intense over the moon feelings so fast because that way you aren't really paying attention to the other red flags about him that might tell you he isn't sincere or a nice guy.
I think you are right to be concerned. He doesn't have a car, he moved in on you really fast and he wants to see you a lot and get driven around by you. Your fear of him disappearing is a gift. What we women do because we have been programed to be nice to people is we squelch that fear by blaming it on our insecurities when really it is our gut telling us a very severe warning about a person that makes us fearful.
He is not a good guy. Always trust your instincts. This has nothing to do with you not being good enough, it has nothing to do with all guys are jerks, you are and they aren't, you just aren't being selective enough because you are feeling less than stellar about yourself.
Tell this guy you don't want to see him anymore. He is in no position to date anyone, he has no car and he is a grown adult...does he have a job, how does he get to work?
Furthermore, what are you doing seeing this one guy so often when he hasn't asked you to be his exclusive girlfriend? Why take yourself off the market and close yourself off to other men out there who may be better suited for you? Putting all your energy into a new guy is a surefire way to feel insecure about it all, don't stop doing the things you like to do, don't drop everything to drive him around, don't change your schedule for him or any other guy, make him fit into yours. The losers won't stick around, the winners will try and prove to you they are worth it....
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A
female
reader, PixieGwen +, writes (13 July 2010):
PixieGwen is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah true. i think i already told him about what happened w/ the other guy..so he has an idea about my fear..
and he said he wouldnt do that (as far as i can remember) but i still feel like its a possibility.. - i know its silly and i should force the negative thoughts out of my mind.. but when the last guy disappeared - it really hurt me. Even though i had a feeling my last relationship wouldnt work out.. i didnt expect him to disappear completely.
i guess i should just try to think positive and one negative thoughts start to creep in - just try to force em out of my head..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): Honestly I think your scared to open your self up to get shot down by him most people are after someone leaves you like that I would say if you care about him enough be upfront and say I really care about you and it seems like you do to and make sure you both are on the same page.
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