A
male
age
36-40,
*rvus
writes:The love of my life (6 years) broke up with me a month ago. Apparently she had been cheating on me with one of her friends, and decided to be with the friend. She had also started ignoring me and cancelling our dates to go to wild parties and bars with her friends. We're currently NC even though she tried to keep me around.* * *When we started going out, I had heard rumours that she was a party girl, a heavy drinker and even tried a few drugs. But in the years we spent together, she always seemed like a smart, responsible and caring girl with high moral standards. Smoking was her only bad habit, and she didn't do it near me. I really didn't mind as long as it wasn't anything extreme.Now that she broke up with me, she's back into her old habits. I've been keeping in touch with her family and her Facebook. There were pictures of her looking really drunk in a New Year party, and then ones where she had passed out in her friend's arms (the one she left me for). All that, in front of her little brothers and cousins who are 6 and 7 years old.Her friend (which I'm not sure if she considers a "boyfriend" but it does look like it) looks a lot like me, talks like me, but has the same bad habits she has. How convenient that she found a version of me that requires much less effort to mantain.* * *Her mom is also worried about her. She told my dad about her worries, but hasn't discussed them with me because she's afraid it'll hurt me. Well, yeah, it hurts. :|I'm worried too. A LOT. For a while I brainwashed myself thinking she'd be happier, but I want her to be BETTER! I love her more than anyone could ever imagine, but I love the person she was before, not the current one. I feel like the old "her" is dying and being replaced.She used to be a good student but she's starting to fail. It looks like she no longer cares about anything important. She doesn't say deep, insightful things anymore; her last email to me didn't even make sense.Furthermore, I'm worried that her friends will lead her to even worse things than just alcohol and making a fool of herself. I... just don't want to think about it, but I can't help it. And it breaks my heart even more. Maybe if something drastic happened to her, it would serve as a wakeup call, but I don't want it to get that far.* * *Can I help her?Do people like that ever realize what they're doing to themselves? Have you had a similar experience?Should I try to reach out to her, or wait for her to change on her own?One more thing: My mom was an alcoholic and drug addict. She ruined our lives. Maybe I was unknowingly following my dad's footsteps?
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male
reader, Orvus +, writes (4 January 2011):
Orvus is verified as being by the original poster of the question I'm surprised! After posting this, I thought I had sounded too patronizing, and I expected responses like "she's young, and it's normal for young people to get drunk often, so get over it". I'm so glad other people see things the same way. (:
Not contacting her directly seems best for now. She wouldn't listen to me anyway. She seems to have gone into some kind of teenage regression, hanging out with teenagers (her new guy is 6 years younger than her), acting immature and irresponsible. I always thought I was the immature one!
@corbandallas: I could never bond with her friends, only with her parents and grandparents. Now I regret having stayed in the oldie crowd, because she's only listening to her peers. Anyway, thanks for the advice. It could be a good idea to call her family anyway, and remind them to be kind to her when she needs it; otherwise they might be too judgmental, which would only make things worse.
@Anon: Thanks a lot for sharing your experience. I thought she was acting this way only because her body had been craving it for too long, but I'll make sure to ask if there are other life factors involved. And I don't trust her new guy either, he's too weak! He just stood there while his girl was drunk and bumping into walls! And someone told me he just wants to take advantage of her.
@HurtandUnsure: I read your stories and it gives me hope to know that your ex cares enough to make an effort to change. I really wish I could just go and talk to her in person, but we live in different cities (which is how she changed her lifestyle so easily without me noticing until it was too late); it was supposed to be a temporary thing, since we were already living together, but now she's made it clear that she doesn't want me near her ever again.
@janniepeg: You're right, she's not the kind of person who can handle criticism well. Especially now. I'm not religious, but what you've said makes a lot of sense to me anyway.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 January 2011):
 You should leave her alone. Alcohol, drugs, of course are bad. She's not going to listen to you because it puts you in the position to tell her you are good and she is bad. No one likes to be made shameful of themselves. Everyone follows their lifepath and you would be playing God to intervene. She is struggling with self-identity. Pray for her. Tell your guardian angels to talk to hers. She is also in your life because you need to forgive what your mother did to you.
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A
female
reader, HurtandUnsure  +, writes (4 January 2011):
 It sounds like you are a very compassionate person with an even bigger heart. If your dad is the same, then yes you could be following in his footsteps. Or rather, you wish to help people with problems you were faced with while growing up. You can help her, but not yet. You both need time to heal, she probably knows she messed up the best thing that's ever happened to her (you), and her out of character personality is her way of coping. I've never been the partying type, but after my boyfriend of 3 years told me he cheated twice this past November, I was no longer myself. I partied, my grades plummeted, and all relationships in my life took a turn for the worst. It wasn't until recently I found that what I was doing was wrong, and not for me. People can realize their mistakes, but it takes time to heal. If you have begun the healing process, and are just concerned about her, give her a call. But only if you are ready and strong enough to deal with whatever she says to you. Three weeks ago I saw pictures of my ex looking like hell on fb, he was drinking, smoking, and had put on quite a bit of weight(hes not a tiny guy to begin with either). It killed me to see how he was handling the break up, especially since I was already moving forward. After seeing him in person, and telling him he looked like hell, he started to make changes. You and your girl were together for a while, I think the honesty that comes with being with someone for that long will be appreciated. So go for it, give her a call and have lunch together. Let her know that regardless of her past, she was becoming the woman she was cut out to be while with you, and even if its not with you anymore, she can still be that person with someone else. You may want to have a tissue er something in your pocket when you decide to talk to her, one of you is bound to cry. Hope everything works out for the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): sweetie you sound like a sweet, loving, caring guy the guy that every girl would snap up in a minute especially considering your history. i grew up in a pub iv seen poeple passed out on couches and i just cant believe that thay got a chance at life and they spend it sitting in a pub all day??? anyway back to you you do love your girlfriend very much but she doesnt love this uy shes 'with' at the moment. you need to get her some professional help. and maybe try to find out if a friend dyed recently or a family member she could be under financial stress maybe research her history. people dont just be brilliant students for six years and then change to a drunk in a month. get her a counseller. her other would not even think of this if he is invlolved in the stuff that you think he is which means he would let her crash and burn happily and then move onto the next girl. my advice is all over the place but i uess thats just me so maybe ive what i suggested a try?? good luck anyway.
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A
male
reader, corbandallas +, writes (4 January 2011):
This is a really unfortunate turn of events for you my friend. I'm very sorry, this must be very difficult to deal with. As the ex you're in an awkward position. I know you would like to help your ex out, but if you guys aren't really speaking to each other, she probably isn't going to like what you have to say.If you feel like going out of your way to help her, you could send her a little email just expressing that you're worried about her. You can't really do much more than that and I'm pretty sure it won't be well received.People like this usually do realize what they are doing to themselves once they hit a certain level. I have some experience in this department. They realize the mistakes they have made and sometimes the regret can be overwhelming.If you have the same friends it might be even better to ask a close friend to keep an eye on her, but I think it's best you keep your distance. If you get to involved it's likely she will resent you, and will only get more hurt.Best of luck my friend. I hope I have been of some help. Keep us posted.
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