A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This question is directed more towards the experts in the field of infidelity because I'm really curious as to how she can live with herself. What gets me is how some of her peers and co-workers perceive her to be this classy upstanding woman when in reality her actions are diametrically opposite of her persona. Her appearance, career,articulate, erudite way of communicating belies the fact that she's not that classy. Moreover, what about hooking up for sex while going out to run an errand and then going home pretending nothing happened? She is being questioned a lot at home, but always has an excuse, but not that good of an excuse because her timeline is highly suspect. What kind of person is this?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2012): This is not a critique or a post meant to cast judgment. I am just curious as to how someone can carry on living this type of life, mainly from a coping perspective with guilt and what not. If I were married, I don't think that I would be able to do it because the guilt would be too much.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (26 July 2012):
 We all lead double lives in a way. We all have flaws (to do with appearance, skills, lack thereof, our deeds or things that may have happened to us) that we prefer to keep private. People who cheat are no different. How easy it is to compartmentalize depends on what that flaw is and, if it's a deed, then the reason for doing it and what we use as a distraction.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 July 2012):
 Are you the one cheating with her? If so, you are just about as deep in the gutter as she is.
If you are not. Then she is just another typical cheater.
One who is good enough at deceit, to keep being married and have her co-workers think she is a decent person.
Like Tisha said, MANY men have been doing this for decades and even IF all the co-workers KNEW what he was doing he still didn't lose their esteem. This time it's a woman.
How can they live with themselves? Obviously, Just fine. Maybe because they put themselves and their needs as number 1-2 and 3 priority.
Not having much care for others, no morals or values to speak of is actually more common then you think.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2012): How do you know that she had sex while she went out for an errand?
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (25 July 2012):
I am encouraged by the moral strength of the replies so far, but I have another take on this topic. Modern society is focused much more on individuals than partnerships. We all have 'my own' stuff, job, friends, opinions, freedom to do what we want. I notice in young people around me, and my own children, a total lack of interest in relationships. Sure they will have sex with like minded people but little caring or commitment. I have worked with people of both sexes that will pop out at lunchtime for an extramarital quickie just like they were getting a sandwich. In their rulebook they weren't cheating. I guess many people can have quick random sex just to satisfy a short term physical need. So to answer your question about how she can live with herself, its easy, she doesn't even think about it. Look at the stats from the quick sex hookup websites! You can download apps now that will alert you when you are near someone that want quick casual sex, great eh? Sorry to sound cynical. I guess we just have to accept that we all have different values and make different judgements. DC seems to attract likeminded people. Maybe there is a Cheaters Anon website where you should ask your question?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 July 2012):
 I'm not assuming that you're the one she's cheating with or on, because I'm hoping that you're only the outside observer in this.
You're seeing an object lesson in deception. A sociopath, a brilliant actress, the Baroness in the G.I. Joe cartoon, a female Bernie Madoff? They all can't lie forever. The undercurrent of rumors, followed by the inevitable slip-up or the conscience of one of her partners, or the clumsiness of hiding information will eventually do her in as well as whoever she's with.
If I didn't utterly abhor, disdain, and hate the effects of cheating to the core, I could admire such mastery of the craft of deception. However, think about what it would take to pull that off. The immolation of her soul. How can you have a soul if you live with this deception? How can you feel empathy knowing every day that you're betraying a husband and/or children? How can you stand tall and walk with integrity if every display of emotion and poise is false? It's like a rotting fence with a fresh coat of paint. The rot will eventually shine through.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (25 July 2012):
Am I missing something? Is this just a woman you know or are you the paramour of the woman in question?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (25 July 2012):
 Something strikes me as odd. Isn't she your married lover? How can you claim to be better than she is? You know she's off limits, too.
I feel that you're getting tired of waiting, and pushing is coming to shove.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (25 July 2012):
 I know the type very well. Upstanding citizen, great-all-around-guy, church every Wednesday and Sunday, on every board he can be on around the city, had two kids and a wife at home, and still had time to see me and email me. It was an emotional affair, but that is just as bad as a sexual one, right? Well, we broke it off, although he is still trying to get back with me...even though I have a boyfriend. I still get emails from him every few weeks.
I honestly think these men and women think they can get away with it...and most of the time they do.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (24 July 2012):
 If you are the one she's hooking up with then you know exactly what sort of person she is and you are choosing to be in this situation with her. What sort of person are you??
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 July 2012):
 Oh, to answer your question. Some people think that once they are outside a certain physical radius (the 50-mile rule) or outside a certain peer or social group and they're not exactly paragons of social virtue. The guys I saw in action *shudders* seemed to me to be wanting the thrill and the novelty. As I observed later (I NEVER was involved with one) they would then go home to their wives and carry on as normal. It was like they had two personas. One was the "single" person and the other was the family man. So weird, at least to a 20-something newbie. The 30-something one got quite cynical and very very wary.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 July 2012):
Oh, good question, I've watched many married men carry on this way too!
The guy's peers and co-workers perceive him to be this classy upstanding man when in reality his actions are diametrically opposite of his persona! His appearance, career, articulate and erudite way of communicating flies the fact that he's not that classy.
GREAT QUESTION! How do people who cheat live with themselves?
I have seen it in action in my career. Mostly men were doing the cheating, at Ieast that was my perception.
I had one guy completely make a fool of himself as he tried to make a pass at me at a convention. I pointed out he was married and he eventually apologized but DAMN, he was clearly looking for some 'fun' outside his marriage vows. It was so weird. I had to be polite and all professional but I made sure my boss knew this guy was hitting on me. weird weird awful and sooooo nasty. No one took the situation to his boss, but maybe with hindsight, maybe, I should have! He was a creep. Imagine if he was hitting on his subordinates? eek!!!
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (24 July 2012):
OP, how can you live with yourself knowing that your lover returns home every day to an unknowing husband and maybe even children? Yes, she is the one choosing to cheat or her husband, but you're the one allowing it to be you whom she does it with. It takes two to tango. If you can figure out why your moral compass hasn't told you to say "no" to her then you might find out a bit about her motivations as well.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (24 July 2012):
This woman is a cheat! She thinks she’s smart enough to get away with it, and she believes that she can just go on leading this double life. It says in the title that she is your married lover, though you do not say this in your question. If it is you with whom she’s cheating on her husband, perhaps you should focus less on criticising her, and spend a little more time reflecting on yourself and why you’re happy to condone her cheating by continuing to hook up with her. However if you’re just curious and not involved in this situation, the answer to the question you ask is simply that she’s having her fun and believes she can get away with it. Why are you surprised that she’s erudite, successful and able to dupe her friends and colleagues? You don’t have to be stupid to cheat, just selfish!
I wish you all the very best.
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