A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Iv been having an affair for a couple of years now and decided to end my marriage. I'm living with a friend but my married lover is still staying put. I said it was my problem about leaving my husband but he said he was still worried for me. He thought I was going to leave my husband once my youngest son reached 18 but I said things have changed now. I haven't asked him to leave his wife because that should be his decision. The thing is he hasn't said anything about leaving his wife..... I know he is torn because he has grown up children and very close to them but where does that leave me? Is my lover waiting to see if I will go back to my husband or not? That's why he's keeping quiet?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2018): I think what you're doing is totally wrong. Not only are you hurting that woman, but you're tearing a family apart. This shit seriously pisses me off. Why go after a married man to begin with? Better not be my husband!! Been married 15 years and it disgusts me how many homewrecker there are. Karma will come to you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2018): I think what you're doing is totally wrong. Not only are you hurting that woman, but you're tearing a family apart. This shit seriously pisses me off. Why go after a married man to begin with? Better not be my husband!! Been married 15 years and it disgusts me how many homewrecker there are. Karma will come to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2018): Just a quick note to say that my lover is leaving his wife, I have been looking for a place to live as I didn’t want to stay at my friends forever and needed a place of my own so his wife has been told and he is joining me....Just goes to show how wrong you can all be.... because people do fall out of love and fall in love a second time round. Thanks for all your advice but the agony aunts and uncles who said he wouldn’t leave had got it wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2018): I have mixed feelings about your situation and think you need to look at things objectively. And the objective truth is that these types of relationships usually do not last and men usually do not leave their wives for their mistress. That is what usually happens and I see that every single day with my business partner who is still married yet has a girlfriend he has seen for years - even though she divorced her husband a couple years ago. However, there are exceptions, I am one of them.My girlfriend and I have been together for eight years. But the first two years she was married and then divorced. I divorced three years after she did. It took me longer but there were reasons for that. The difference in my business partner's situation and mine is that he is happily married but enjoys his lover. He spends a lot of time with his lover, truly loves her, buys her gifts, they take trips, but when it's all said and done she is left crying while he goes home to his wife. His wife does not know about his other life and his lover...well, she just takes what she can get.On my side of things, we were both in unhappy marriages and wanted to be together. So, we both left our spouses to be together, albeit at different times. The important thing was neither of us ever asked the other to leave their spouse. Even when my lover became divorced she never asked me to leave my ex-wife. I made that decision on my own in my own time. Of course, I knew that if I didn't leave my wife the possibility that my lover would move on to someone she didn't have to sneak around to see was real, so I'd be lying if I said I wasn't motivated by her divorce to make mine happen too. But the important thing was that she wasn't THE reason for the divorce, it would have happened with or without her.My advice to you is to not pressure him but tell him you do not want to live a secret relationship anymore. Tell him if he wants to stay married you will respect that and you still want to see him when you can but it will only be until you find someone else you can openly be with. If he truly intends to divorce his wife he will speed that along. If he doesn't then you will know where his heart truly lies and you can move on with your life.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 October 2018):
 No, that's not why he is keeping quiet. He is keeping quiet because for him it works just fine the way it is, with a wife and a mistress.
Did he say, in fact did he promise, to leave his wife, the moment you were going to be free and husbandless again ? No, he never did.Maybe you assumed he would , but assumptions are dangerous.
Where does this leave you ? Same where you were before. You were the mistress of a married man , and you still are the mistress of a married man.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (15 October 2018):
 Men don’t cheat with the intention of leaving their wives. For them it's simply sex or an arrangement where two consenting adults are having an amazing time, without attachment or commitment. In his mind, he has justified his actions as no big deal hence his decision to be unfaithful. He is not looking for love; he already has that at home. Sex outside of marriage is his way of breaking free from being the responsible husband and father. Married sex for them often feels obligatory. An affair is adventure.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (14 October 2018):
Why should he leave his wife; because you left your marriage? Why would he do something that stupid? He gets his wife and his comfortable life and he no longer has to share his side piece with another man. Your leaving your husband was a win/win for him. He would be a fool to give that up.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (14 October 2018):
 If he wanted to be with you in a serious relationship he would have left his wife and be in the process of divorce.
The reality has hit him, you have left your husband and things have become real. Now he has realised that all he wanted was a fling, he will never leave his family life for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2018): The truth is he does not want to end his marriage. Even if he did - and his actions speak to the contrary - he does not have the balls to leave his wife. It does not matter if he is unhappy or not. He is comfortable with his life as it is. For most married men who have affairs, comfort and stability is good enough. Your job as his mistress is not, was not and never will be to take the place of his wife. This is the very hard truth you and most mistresses need to come to terms with.
Sure, we are all deluded by the fairytale. He will pick us. Our love is real. We are not like the others. But at the end of the day, we really are no different. And even though these married men tell us we are special, even show us we are special, we will never be special enough.
Of course he is going to string you along with broken promises or no promises at all. He loves the side relationship with you. Why? Because you are providing him with the needs his wife is neglecting. She has grown familiar. You were new. She has become boring. You were exciting. But believe me, once the shine wears off you and this affair, your relationship would eventually become just like theirs. The magic rush of infatuation and euphoria would fade. You currently have a honeymoon stage relationship which continues in such a blissful state because it is forbidden. Because you do not share the daily drudgery and mundaneness of life together. You are perpetually dating. He likes dating you and escaping with you. He is not interested in becoming serious with you. He is serious with his wife. He may like your company. He may like having fun with you. He may even love having sex with you. But it will not end in you becoming his wife. He has one. And you need to realize he will not leave her. And you will be living your life in limbo waiting for something that will never happen. Most mistresses come here for the same reason. They want their married lover to leave his wife. They just refuse to accept reality. By being delusional. Therefore they are creating expectations in their own minds, which will disappoint them. It is the mistress who is in control. Not the married man. The mistress chooses to place herself at his whim and in the position to be used by him by not accepting reality. I see why. No woman wants to think she meant nothing or not enough to a man. No woman who has fallen in love (right or wrong aside) wants to have her heart broken. That kind of pain is not something anyone ever wants to go through. So they keep trying to change the situation, and they just continue bringing more pain to themselves by holding onto a losing battle.
The ball is in your court. You just refuse to make the decision because deep down, you know what the decision is. And you don't want to lose him from your life. He is meeting important needs for you as well. And now that you've left your husband, he has an even bigger void to fill in your life. You are using him to bring you happiness without solving whatever problems and demons you have with yourself. I don't think you're in a solid or stable place in your life. You used this man as a band aid to solve your problems. And you are relying on him much too heavily to make you happy and whole. Now that you're separated, this other man is still there, and you're placing all your baggage on him, as you were all along. It's much too messy right now for you to be able to move forward with him, or anyone. Add his wife and family to the mix and this baggage just increases. You need to find your happiness from within and not from others. You are afraid to lose him. You are afraid you will fall apart. He is your life preserver in a stormy sea, where you are constantly feeling like you are about to drown. Your focus is misplaced. You need to turn it away from an unavailable man.
I believe you did the right thing leaving your husband. You just weren't happy. But you cannot expect your lover to do the same. Your relationships with your respective spouses are totally different. I'm generalizing, but for the most part, men can have an affair while remaining emotionally connected to their wives. Women, on the other hand, cannot remain emotionally connected to their husbands while having an affair. Oftentimes, a woman will leave her husband for an affair partner she is emotionally connected to. Whereas a married man will not leave his wife for an affair partner he is having great sex with.
I think you need to get your life in order and yourself back together. This should be your focus. Maybe see a therapist so that the therapist could help you find the person you used to be, before the affair. The woman you once were, when you used to smile and enjoy life, before it all fell apart, and you lost your way. And felt some married man was your saviour. Well, sweetie, he isn't. He is somebody else's husband. Her saviour in life.
I'm sorry to be blunt but I know what I'm taking about as I am in your shoes.
As long as you go along with what he wants, things will continue as they are. He will be just fine with you as his mistress for as long as you allow it. Just realize that he won't end his marriage for you. No matter what he says. And no matter how many years you invest in him. If you are seeking a life partner, then he isn't the one. He cannot give you all that you need or deserve. He isn't in a position to do so as long as he remains married. I think you know this. You try to hang on, hoping things will change. How many more years will you keep hanging on until you realize you're wasting your time?
Some women are able to handle being a mistress. But not in the long run. This position has a shelf life unfortunately. Often it ends in the mistress falling in love but the married man never loves her in return, and even if he says he does, it can never be true love. Because it began with deception and deceit. This was not and never can be a solid foundation for true and everlasting love. So, from the very start, you were both doomed to fail. You would never be able to trust one another, even if he ever did leave his wife. Even if you did love each other, the trust issues would slowly poison and then eventually destroy anything beautiful you once shared. Who wants to live with the constant anxiety and worry that this person could someday do the same thing to you?
I am sorry you are in this position. It's tough. You lost one man and now because you fear being alone, you are hanging onto the other for dear life. But your chance at redemption, finding and loving yourself again, creating a new life for yourself, all lies in letting go. And starting over. Building your own foundation from the ground up. It's the long, hard path. The path nobody wants to take. Instant gratification seems to be the answer for most of us. But it always ends up being a dead end. There is no answer. Only more questions. Which will never be answered. A fantasy which blows up in smoke. Happiness which is just beyond reach. Always, just beyond reach. Then it's time to face the pain. It was there all along. It's time to face the pain. Let it build you back up.
I hope you take care of yourself now. Love yourself. When everyone else is gone, you are all you have. xx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2018): This is NOT going to work out.
Unless you were both in unhappy or abusive marriages anyway, but it isn't that situation.
This is the "have your cake and eat it" philosophy.
As for the "if a tree falls in a forest and anyone around to hear it?", well, there, definitely IS - the wife and children affected.
ONLY, and then ONLY in polyamorous situations can these things work, but that takes commitment and time.
Sorry if I sound blunt, but i'm not trying to offend here.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (13 October 2018):
 I had a friend who did what you did. She eventually went back to her husband because her lover completely refused to leave his wife, even after she had told her about the affair. It was only when the cheated-on wife found someone else and kicked out her cheating husband that he went to the lover.
Your lover has no intention of leaving his wife or family. They are his priority and that is the way it should be. You were his bit on the side. He would have happily kept things the way they were, with him having his cosy family life and you for a bit of extra.
It was your choice to leave your husband. Obviously your marriage was not good, otherwise you would not have left. This does not, however, mean your lover owes you anything.
If you are waiting for him to leave his wife and come to you, you will most likely have a long wait. Either repair your marriage or divorce your husband and move on and find someone who makes you his priority.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (13 October 2018):
 It’s good you’ve finally stepped up and set your poor husband free, but you really don’t want to be with a cheater because it’s usually only only a matter of time before they cheat on you - you can never trust each other.Anyway, it took you long enough to leave, so he’ll continue taking his sweet time - probably only leaving if his wife makes him. “Where does that leave me?” It leaves you as someone who betrayed her husbands trust for years, just to be the side piece of a man who never intends to leave his marriage. If you weren’t happy in your marriage, you should have left, not begin an affair. Say your children find out when they’re older - how will they view you? How will they learn what’s acceptable in relationships when you’ve given such a poor example?Time to work on your own life as a single woman and stop the affair. Give him the ultimatum: “me or your wife”. Don’t waste your life on a man who won’t leave his marriage when telling you he wants to.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 October 2018):
 No, he isn't waiting to see what you do. He just doesn't WANT to leave his family and marriage. Not even for you.
Keep working on your future as if he isn't a part of it. Because part from the sex and spending time, he really isn't.
Finish the divorce. find yourself a place you can afford and live life, don't sit on your hands and wait for him to make that choice. It might never happen.
And yes, it should be his decisions to leave his wife or not. And he should have made that choice A LONG time ago, so should you.
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