A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone.This is pretty long so just bear with me please.I (25F) and my boyfriend (30M) have been together for 5 years. We have lived together for all of that. Before dating, we were very good online gaming buddies for another 5 years. I moved to a different state to be with him.Our lives are very intertwined. We do nearly everything together. We have pets together, share finances, and talk about the future with each other. We talked about getting married, having kids, and buying a home in my home state.. but we are going through a rough patch right now and I am not sure anymore.A little bit about us: I am an extrovert and he is an introvert. I am generally optimistic, bubbly, and outgoing. I socialize very well and have a lot of friends. On the other hand, he tends to be pessimistic, negative, and shy. He has no friends and struggles to make them. We are very opposite but in a way that's worked out for us.He is very ambitious and career driven. He has worked extremely hard his whole 20s in a challenging field. This March, he landed his dream job at his dream company. Unfortunately, he worked so hard for the past 10 years that he never took the time out to relax and give himself a break. He has lost sense of who he is as a person and what makes him happy. He has struggled with depression and anxiety his entire life but it has gotten drastically worse since changing jobs. He did not handle the change well at all. He feels the pressure to relax now that he has a lot more free time (2-3 hour commute shortened to 20 mins) and has no idea what to do with himself. He is on medication and seeing a therapist currently. His therapist told him he needed to live for himself more, and he has no idea how to do that.Now that he's gone insane trying to figure out what that means, he doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore. Last year, we were talking about buying a house and finally starting our lives together after I finished my degree. He had a small meltdown over this recently.. he wasn't sure if we could afford kids or a house. He makes over six figures and once I finish, I can expect to make 70-80k entry level. After a few years, we'll both be making over six figures together. We live very comfortably and I am not sure where this anxiety is coming from.I love him a lot. I get really happy when he's around me, but I know he has started to develop a sense of resentment/annoyance towards me as a result of being around me too much. Aside from work and family, I am his only other social interaction. I have encouraged him to invite his coworkers out to dinner or drinks, to reach out to his old college friends, and to go to meetups in our city. Progress has been slow, but he is trying really hard and I can see that. I have tried to give him more space to do his own thing and discover himself, but it's hard for me too since we've been together everyday for the past 5 years, but I'm trying too.Going back to earlier.. he isn't sure if he wants to be with me He says he loves me even if he isn't in love with me (spark has faded, we don't connect in conversations like we used to, etc) but he wants to try to make it work. He isn't sure about marriage or having kids or anything anymore. He feels like he wasted his 20s working and now that he's 30, he feels the pressure to have kids and get married. He told me he never got to do the things he wanted to do, like travel. He tells me he is trying to make our relationship work but I find myself having one-sided conversations with him because he's bored of 'small talk' (aka me asking how his meetup was/going into detail about our days) and needs intellectually stimulating conversation about things he's interested in (history, philosophy,etc).I told him if he wants to make this work that he needs to put in effort too.. like actually talking to me and trying new things with me instead of saying our conversations are boring. Granted, when you're with someone 24/7 for the last 5 years, I think it's normal to run out of things to talk about, but like I said, I've given him a lot more space to ease that. I get that he's depressed and can't help but be meh sometimes.. but good gosh.Btw I should mention that even though he feels that way, we still play video games together/watch movies/go out to eat/do things together and have a great sex life still. So maybe there's hope.At this point, I am not sure what to do. I still want to be with him and I love him, but he feels so unsure about the future that it's making me nervous too. I am trying to be optimistic about the future but when he says stuff like how we're maybe going to work things out, it makes me sad as heck. I do think that he is going through a rough crisis right now and having a melt down, and that we'll get through this, I'm just not sure how.Any advice would be appreciated. Is this something I can help him get through? How do I? I don't want to leave the guy - it's easy for other people to say that since I'm the one living with him. I want to make this work and I want to help him through this.TLDR; boyfriend is going through a quarter life crisis after landing his dream job after working super hard for the last 10 years. Has no idea what makes him happy or who he is anymore. No friends/hobbies. Resents me for being his only social circle. Has lost interest in our relationship (and life in general) but is trying to make it work. Help.
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a break, ambition, co-worker, depressed, online gaming, sex life, shy, video games Reply to this Question
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female
reader, MissKin  +, writes (15 October 2018):
I think the suggestion that you find your own hobbies and starting exploring activities is a good one, at least it gives you your own social circle. You don't mention if you do things without him, do you? Or do you wait to find out what he is doing first?
Knowing you are someone's first (and possibly only) option for company/something to do, can be a LOT of pressure. It makes you feel guilty if you choose something or someone else to do something with.
He will be feeling conflicted because any choice he makes will have direct impact on you, so it might take some time.
You can either call it quits yourself or give him lots of time and real space (I.e. without knowing you're sat around waiting for him). During this time he needs to put himself first and so do you. Yes it is important to still do things together and stay connected, but that's something you need to work out together.
When you have been in a relationship with someone for most of your 20s and your career has previously taken over your life, I imagine some people might feel a bit trapped. You're on a path to an "end game" where you buy a house and have babies, and if you decide you don't want that yet/anymore it is hard to pause it/end it and get onto a different path.
It is a bit if a waiting game. Fingers crossed for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2018): It sounds like he is questioning 'Is this it'? He feels he has wasted his twenties and doesn't want to make the same mistakes going into his thirties. On paper you sound like the ideal supportive girlfriend but there are some giveaways in what you write that there are a few things he may resent.You say you lived with each other from word go, you spend every day together, you are trying to allow him the space but you find it hard, you are outgoing and he is not so possibly he feels he stays quiet while you are the social butterfly so that makes him more uncomfortable....In all of that it seems both of you are dependent on each other.For him I can imagine that might be stifling, to be told 'Go off and do your own hobbies, go out with colleagues' etc but then are you also not inadvertently letting him know you find it hard not to be with him even for one day from each other??He needs space to clear his head and sorry but there also sounds a hint of desperation on your side and again he senses that so he feels guilty maybe for how he is feeling. You have ties, your loves are intertwined, he knows that and now he is thinking is this really it??You have been together long enough to consider couples counselling where you can both be honest in a safe place and your boyfriend could look at hobbies to do away from you. I don't personally think you need to do more together, you have clearly outlined that you do live in each others pockets. What he may benefit from is a hobby where he will get satisfaction away from the work front. I agree encourage him to make friends with work colleagues, old friends etc but NOT to include you in that process as he is questioning you in all of this.The more you hold onto to him, remind him that you find it hard not to see him every day, reminding him your lives are intertwined the more he will feel caged, give him the space to breathe. You go out with girlfriends, do hobbies, show him who he fell in love with without reminding him what you have and what he is set to lose. It will work out if it is meant to but you must be prepared for honesty in this. All the best and ps that is my thoughts, slightly different to some others advice so you have to think about what is best for you and for him x
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 October 2018):
 Thinking of the worst, he could be using his depression to stall the break up process. He sounds like someone who got a crush on someone else, probably at work. A new person is always going to be exciting. I would not want to have sex with a person who's not excited to be with me. It would be like using sex to keep him, and to convince myself that the relationship is still alive. Don't fall into a trap of "helping someone." He's a big boy, he can take care of himself. And also, you don't try to make it work. You just do. For that alone he sounds pathetic.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2018): The phrase 'if you love someone let them go' comes to mind. I don't mean literally. Just leave him be. Let him sort himself out. You could suggest he spends his extra time pursuing what interests him. So that he gets his mental stimulation from some source other than you. And maybe increases his social circle. But I would take any pressure off him (if indeed there is any)and let him find his own way out of this. He's a big boy. If he loves you and wants to be with you, you will still be part of the equation. And if you spend any free time YOU have pursuing other interests outside of your relationship, then I think that can only help. If you have both spent the last five years in each other's pockets, then I'm not surprised that one of you is feeling the need to spread their wings. This is healthy and necessary for a relationship to flourish.Just step back and let him find his own way. He doesn't need to be mothered. Let him do his own thing. I think that if you both still have a good relationship after you have spent nearly every day of five years together, then there is a good chance that things will work out. BUT he needs some breathing time. Some ME time. Give it to him. What will be, will be. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 October 2018):
 Maybe what you need to do is give him some time and space to figure out what he wants in life.
Otherwise you might spend more time just waiting for your lives together to start.
As for all the plans... it's talk, OP Nothing set in stone. It's a fantasy that could become real, except it might not BE what he wants any more.
So you have to decide do I give him some time to figure out what he wants or not.
Maybe you two could also try and DO more things together, like join a gym, it might help him to fit some exercise into is daily life. If for no other reason for some serotonin boost.
You can't MAKE him want what you want. So you have to decide what's right for you.
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