A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is a family related problem, but I hope you can give me good advice or support.I have been close to my aunt, I almost grew up in her house and she has been at my side for many years. I have been supporting of her too, when I could. I had to move away for work, and it's been 3 years now. She just moved closer to where I live, and of course I went to visit her. I brought my dog, which I have had with me visiting before, without a problem.Only this time there was issues, and she got very upset/offended and I can't seem to do anything to make it right. First my dog peed in the bed I was to sleep in. He has never done this before, and the only reason I can think is that he should have been let out earlier. But my aunt only has one key to the house, and she didn't tell me where it was before going to bed. So I had the option to wake her up, or leave the door unlocked, which I know she has anxiety against, so it wasn't an option. Since my dog has gone for longer periods than this without needing to pee, I thought he would be fine as he was already sleeping. But in the middle of the night he peed. So I went up and washed everything by hand, and I told my aunt. Next morning there was no marks on the blanket (only the blanket was affected) and since the blanket is washable, I thought I would wash it. But she refused to wash it! She said it was brand new and expensive, and would be ruined if washed. That she would have to send it to the cleaners. I said okay, let me know if you need to send it to the cleaners. Then my aunt had bought my dog a ball. I warned her that he might break something, because he plays with the ball and throws it around, and since she just moved and hasn't bought much furniture yet, all her things were still on the floor. She said it was okay, that the dog should be allowed to play. Of course, he breaks a lamp. I find her a new lamp online and pay for it. She didn't even thank me, or show any appreciation, was just upset. Then I got upset, I told her I was just trying to make things right and offer her a replacement lamp (the EXACT same lamp), but she said she never asked me to get her a new lamp and doesn't want it. Im just very upset by this because I care a lot for her, but it seems she insists on being angry with me. She even texted me that she never wanted to have this repeat itself. So I got angry in return and told her fine, if she wants to be pissed off, I don't want any of her drama. I don't know, is the relationship completely ruined, or should I just lay low? I've done all I can think of to replace and wash things, but it apparently wasn't good enough. There was another dog visiting her just after mine, which scratched on her door, and she was upset because it is a new apartment, but that other dog isn't my dog, and how can I be to blame for it? She still brought up this other dog in a message to me as well, talking about the dogs in plural as if they were both mine. I can understand being overwhelmed by dogs causing havoc, but it isn't right to take what that other dog did out on me and my dog, also I tried to replace what was broken and I washed that blanket by hand in the middle of the night, leaving no marks, and it was washable in the machine!!! But she said she'd rather throw it out and buy a new one?!?! I just don't get why she is this angry that she would not accept a new lamp or even try to let me wash the blanket/let me pay for it to be cleaned. It's like she just wants to be angry and complain.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 October 2016):
 She has mental health issues, try not get to upset by her messages. She suffers from severe anxiety and possibly OCD which describes why she got so frantic over the two dogs urinating. Try not to take it personally. Allow her to calm down. Don't allow the dog in her house any more.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (19 October 2016):
 OK that puts a lot of things into perspective and this was the feeling I had when I first read your post.
She just wants to be difficult and the more you're apologizing, the more she's enjoying pushing you to the ground. This lady has some serious problems and the poor, poor dog was just a catalyst. If not for him, she would've found some other reason to go bat-shit crazy. Its clear she doesn't want the damn lamp, she just wanted to make you feel bad for as long as you could. Now when you're being the bigger person and offering a replacement, she cant stand that because that means she cant fight with you anymore...so now she says she wont accept it, just to continue this ridiculous petulant behavior.
You've done your bit, just stop talking to her now. You have apologized enough. You have done everything you possibly could. Now just stop talking to her, stop responding to her and completely blank her out. Let her sort out her own issues first before she goes on a rampage trying to make others lives hell. Its as if you have nothing better to do than sit and worry about a stupid lamp and a poor dog wetting that God damn blanket...issues which should have been forgotten long since.
She was quiet when you told her that you got a replacement lamp because this was totally unexpected for her. She's probably thought that you couldn't/ wouldn't do this and then she could harp on this endlessly. Then she asked you if the replacement lamp was old or new because if you'd said old, she would have said that she doesn't accept used goods...so basically you feel small again and she continues to complain. When you told her it was new, she had nothing else to say so she said she's send it back you because how else would her tantrum continue?
Dont waste any more time on this lady. She's going through some kind of a mid-life crisis and its her problem. Just completely blank her out from your life, at least for the time being.
Stop worrying, there's nothing more that you can do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPS. She wanted to move. I had agreed to help her with moving also, which I have to the degree that I could, placing adds for her online to remove things, going shopping for her, helping her with decorating the old house so it would look nice on pictures when she sold it, just tried to be there for her and have calming conversations with her because, yes, it stressed her out massively. But she sold the old house, and then loads of stress was over with, and she got settled in her new place and seemed a lot calmer. We talk often, I talk with her on the phone and through messages more often than my own mother or siblings, usually we talk at least once every week, whereas I only call my mom about two times a month on average. To my awareness she was calm again, and although she had only lived in her new place for three weeks, I was supposed to come and help her further decorate her new place. So while I think I should have waited until she was all settled in and less stressed, the entire point was for me to help her settle in and sort of welcome her to the new area. And I thought it would be a nice gesture to come early, so she wouldn't feel all alone in the new city or feel like I didn't prioritize her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for writing, but I think it is too late for the type of advice given. When I left her place she was telling me it was all fine, I had apologized up and down and I've taken every precaution I can think of when it comes to the dog. He wasn't ever allowed alone in any room, I was always keeping my eye on him, I even warned her about how sometimes when dogs run across the floor it might get scratched from the claws, even though I recently trimmed his claws. I just wanted her to be aware of every possible scenario. She is a very nervous lady with a diagnosis of anxiety. The anxiety I know of is of claustrophobia and of doors being left unlocked. She used to go back and forth 4-6 times every time she left to check that a door is locked. She is on medication, so now I just see her check the door handle 2-3 times before she leaves. Before she could even start to drive away, only to drive back and check the door again.
So that is why I didn't want to take the dog out for a walk leaving the door unlocked. And of course I should have asked for the key before she went to bed, it just didn't cross my mind right then. She's also been very nervous about allowing people in her bedroom, where she sleeps, so just knocking on her door and disturbing her was uncomfortable.
I have spent nights at her old apartment with my dog, no accidents. Had sleepovers many times with other friends and family, also new environments for the dog, and no peeing inside. So it really didn't cross my mind that he would have a bed wetting incident. I let him sleep in a cage the rest of the night, just to calm down my aunt. She still repeatedly told me I had to keep him in the cage, even though I already told her I had him in the cage. She even got up and out of bed again that night, just to talk to me through the door (I had already fallen asleep again) and tell me the dog needed to be in a cage. He already was in the cage.... It's like she thinks she needs to repeat it over and over before it actually happens, just like she needs to check the door over and over before her mind is settled on it being closed.
Anyway, on the day I left she said she was fine, that these things happen, I was going to find a replacement for the lamp, I told her to contact me if she wanted to have the blanket cleaned by professionals. Then after I got home she sent me this angry text message about how she never wanted this repeated again and that she doesn't want dogs loose in her house again (that other dog had scratched on a door, don't know if it left marks, and had also peed on her carpet, which was cleaned up right away leaving no marks, but still, I understand it's unpleasant).
If she doesn't ever want dogs in her house again, it means I can not come visit. She doesn't live as close as 5 minutes away exactly, it's closer than before, but still a decent travel and would demand I get a sitter for the dog if Im not allowed to bring him. So, yes, in effect it means I can't really come visit her unless I get a sitter or stay at a hotel in her city.
I didn't respond to that message, I just went online the next day, found that replacement lamp. I tried to call her, she didn't answer. I messaged her saying something like "great news, auntie, I found the exact same lamp for you, and it will be shipped in 1-2 weeks". Then she wrote back asking if it was new or used. I replied it was brand new from the store. Then no reply at all for quite a while. Then finally she replied, and that message was about something completely different. I just felt like something went missing, there was no further response on the lamp, no "great" or "thats good" or "thank you" or anything. She had been talking so much about how it would be impossible to replace, that they probably didn't produce such lamps any more, that it was really expensive etc etc. So I thought it was amazing that I actually found it and that it wasn't even half the price she had told me, so I could actually afford to replace it (I don't work full time, so money is tight). I thought it was good news! But by her reply it almost seems like she was disappointed I found her lamp.
I didn't reply for a good while after this, but I felt heart broken. So that is why I finally texted her asking if she wasn't happy about the lamp, and saying I really am trying to make this good again, and that I am sorry if it isn't good enough, but it's all I can do, and that it really hurts me that she messaged me saying I can't bring my dog over again, because it effectively means I can not come over either. That is when she wrote me she does not want the lamp at all, that she never asked me to buy her a new one, and that she would just send it to me since I am the one who bought it.
And that is when some lengthy texting began with her telling me how I am in the wrong, and me replying back how she is being irrational and that I think she's not sad about the lamp being broken at all, when she doesn't even want a replacement. I think she's just upset because things weren't done "her way" and that she's got hang ups about not being able to control everything.
So yeah, we're past the point of me keeping my cool.
I know, my dog my responsibility, but I have done everything I possibly could do to prevent damage, as far as I knew of (didn't for a million years think he'd wet the bed), and made sure things that were broken were replaced etc. But to me it seems she prefers to have this hanging over my head so she gets the right to be angry/sad, rather than allowing me to make up for it and replace things. It's like she would rather be sad and miserable, and wallow in it, and have the right to message me hurtful things, than having a good relationship with me and being thankful I was able to find an exact replacement for her "precious" lamp.
You'd think it was a one of a kind, unique and impossible to replace type of lamp by the way she was going about it when it broke. And while I get that things can have sentimental value, I still feel as if she places that old lamps value as above what that lamp is actually worth, and above a relationship with me. My logic is just screaming "It's a f-ing lamp!!! Get over it already, it wasn't your grandma that died, it was a lamp that was broken that is easily replaceable!!!" I haven't said any of THAT to her, but I can't stop thinking it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (19 October 2016):
 I think there is more going on here than a couple of little "accidents". Moving is very stressful, even when it is something you want to do. Did your aunt WANT to move or did she HAVE to move? Is it that she is just so stressed with everything that she just does not have the mental energy to be gracious when accidents happen?
In your shoes, I would let the dust settle for a few days, then send her a "house-warming/sorry" present - flowers or chocs or something you know she will like. Include a little note from you and your dog, saying you love her and hope she will be happy in her new home.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 October 2016):
 Look, she just got mad- and when people are mad they aren't at the best of their rational thinking, they just vent their
displeasure in emotional, not in logical ways.
Of course your Aunt knows that it's not your dog's fault if her door got scratched !- she is just sort of ranting against destructive dogs and inconsiderate dog owners in general.
" But I was NOT inconsiderate ! I apologized profusely , I cleaned up, I replaced the broken lamp.... what am I supposed to do, kill myself ?! "- I know, I know. But I I've got the feeling that your aunt may be a bit annoyed based on what follows ( --- or maybe I am projecting what I probably would feel in her shoes- and , mind you , I like dogs ! I had dogs ! Imagine instead if she is not a dog lover... )
This is the same issue one has with parents of small children. A dog is like a 2/3 old child , they even have the same mental age. So it's true that , with kids and dogs in your home, there's big potential for mishapes and mischief, and that " kids will be kids " and " dogs will be dogs " and either you show a bit of tolerance or just choose to stay AWAY from dogs and kids.... but it's also true that , like the 3 years old's behaviour is their parent's responsibility, the dog's " mistakes " are the responsibility of the owner , who should apply a very high level of vigilance and all the possible precautions to minimize the chances of an accident.
So, you could not let the dog out because you did not get a key- well, why did you not ask one before going to bed ? Your dog normally " keeps it " all night long, but this was not his normal routine and normal environment, and most of all, if he has an accident at your place you do not mind, but if it happens at somebody's else place they mind. So , if only you had remembered to tell your Aunt, " I will need to take to dog out very early in the morning, what shall I do, should I wake you up or borrow your key ? "....
Then, luckily the accident only affected a washable blanket- but if you had let the dog sleep on the floor, it would just have affected ... a floor, not personal,brand new bedding items. You don't mind having your dog sleeping on the bed because it's your dog- but it's not such a good idea letting dogs sleep on somebody's else bed, - just because these kind of accident can happen. The lamp ? Your Aunt, the gracious host, said , " let him play " but maybe she does not know dogs, and she does not know YOUR dog, - while you know him well and know his potential for ... breakage and damage,( and you were actually foreseeing that something like that would happen )- so , regardless of her permission, maybe you should not have let him play with a ball inside the house .
Now, you will be thinking that I am nitpicking or having a go at you- I am not, honestly. I am just tryng to stress that not everybody takes in stride the little thngs that a dog owner ( or a parent of toddlers :) takes in stride- and, unluckily, it is your responsibility , as a dog owner, or a parent, to double your efforts and foresee the possible negative scenarios.
Anyway- I would not be that worried . You had a great relationship with your Aunt, it was just a little misunderstanding, it will all boil down to nothing eventually. You have apologized, you have repayed or offered to repay the damages,- you have done all which you were supposed to do. Now, if you try to not sulk and not take offense because your efforts at reparation have not been duly aknowledged or appreciated, and accept that when one is angry they can't be that objective - let her calm down and I am sure that she will see it was all a temoest in a teapot, and your relationship will be as strong as always.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (19 October 2016):
Maybe she's just not a dog person and is angry and cranky because her new house, her new blanket and lamp were spoiled by your dog and then by someone else's. You apologized, offered to replace her damaged goods, there's nothing more that you can do. And its not really the poor dog's fault!
Just lie low for some time but meanwhile, buy her a new blanket-the exact same one and the same lamp- and have it delivered to her house. Don't make it look like you're angry and throwing it in her face; just tell her that you're genuinely sorry and hope that things remain the same between you. If that doesn't please her, then I don't know what will!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2016): I think a lot has to do with the stress of moving and living in a new place.. give her some time to cool down and contact her. You shouldn't be losing your temper. Be calm and talk it out.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (19 October 2016):
 She's stressed, by the sounds of it. Just lay low and give her time to get over it.
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