A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've come here for help when my heart has been broken and always appreciated the thoughtful, insightful responses complete strangers have given me. My question today is about a personal issue I have in moving forward with a great guy.I've been seeing a friend of a friend for about 3 months now. He is sweet, attentive, thoughtful, generous, smart, funny... all the thing I've always hoped to find in someone. I am not very physically attracted to him but as I've gotten older, I realized it's less about the immediate physical connection as it is an emotional connection which can deepen physically. He's been friends with my girl friend and her husband for almost 10 years before they introduced us and we all have a blast when we are together.We've only had one argument during our time together which was over text. I was about to leave on a business trip for a week and a half and he couldn't stand to leave things like that so he drove 45 minutes to my house to talk it out in person and make sure we were ok. While on my trip, we FaceTimed on the nights I could talk and he sent me messages during the day just to check in and see how my day was.I don't know if I'm scared of this kind of affection but I see myself pulling away. I want to get married and have children which I know is something he wants too. I used to get so frustrated and complain to my friends that I could never find a "good guy" and here I finally have one, and I almost feel bored.There's no reason for me to feel bored or want to look for something else. He really is everything I have been looking for and I'm really upset that I have any kind of hesitation. Has anyone experienced this? Any advice or thoughts are welcome. Thank you in advance.
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2019): I had a man like you're describing. Such a lovely guy and we got on so well. I have always described him as 'Ticking every box on paper,' you mention it, good looking, funny, successful, decent, loyal, intelligent and he treated me beautifully. But I had been friends with him for at least two years and didn't think about him in between seeing him for dinner etc because we lacked chemistry. After two years we started going out together and lived together and got engaged. I managed to pull it off for a few years because I LIKED him so much and kidded myself that we had everything else. BUT, just before we were married, I met a man who blew my socks off! We had fun together too, he was intelligent, good looking etc, but the strongest part of any relationship worth its salt was also there. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. I left my lovely guy to be with the other one, wild horses could not keep me away.
And this is what is needed at the beginning of ANY relationship, physical attraction. You can like them and their traits all you like, but if you don't want to rip each other's clothes off, then you are dating a friend. That's the difference, between friendship and someone we want to procreate with and spend our lives with. Chemistry. And you can try and sound grown up by trying to turn your back on all that, but you're not. You're kidding yourself if you think either you OR HIM will ever be satisfied with what you've got. He obviously feels physical attraction for you and he can tell on some level that you don't feel it for him, because he is becoming clingy. This is not a situation you should want for a man you say that you like very much. He knows he doesn't ring your bells and that's worrying him. Go find someone who rocks your boat and let him do the same, because without physical attraction and chemistry, there is no point, despite your claims to the contrary.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2019): I will go against the other aunts and vote that you give this relationship a chance.
Why do I say it? Because I have been in a similar situation and I DO think that attraction can grow. No, it will never be the passionate, crazy roller coaster attraction that you've probably experienced with your unstable boyfriends.
That is the compromise. I DO believe that we must always compromise in life and make choices. There are always downsides to any relationship and personality. If you choose someone you are really passionate about, you might also get terrible fights, for example. Or you might get someone who cheats, let's say. Probably these are some experiences you have already had in the past, if you are like me. And then, "the one" seems almost boring because in part you have to adjust to the lack of roller coaster relationship.
I am marrying a man who has all those wonderful qualities you describe here (sweet, attentive, smart, etc), and I will admit that when we started dating it was not fireworks nor will it ever be, but the love and bond is strong. In my experience, intense passion always fades or causes misery (through fights for example), in the long run anyway. So personally, I would rather have someone who will be a great, supportive husband and father, and maybe lack a bit in the chemistry department.
I wonder how many of these agony aunts truly "have it all" in their relationships? If they truly have intense passion without the problems it usually brings? If they do have it all then good for them, that is amazing. That is not my experience in life, and my number one priority is having a kind, loving and supportive individual. Do I have days when I long for that fire? Absolutely but I love my man far too much to give up what we have.
So you can wait and HOPE you find EVERYTHING in one person, but I honestly believe that is very rare to have it all. Possible- sure, but rare. If you want to stay single and take that gamble, by all means. But don't let people make you feel guilty for accepting someone and something that isn't perfect either. Because life isn't perfect.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2019): If you're still not attracted to him after 3 months, you're not attracted to him. I've gone on first dates in which there was no physical attraction i was extremely attracted emotionally. By the end of our second date i was head over heels in love. Three months means you won't be attracted to him in three years. Move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 October 2019):
 Sure, initial lack of attraction isnt so important as it can develop. But if it does develop, it doesnt take 3 months... more like within a week. You know him plenty in 3 months, and if the attraction still isnt there, then it wont ever be there. Sorry to say so. Time to move on. You are not obligated to date him just because he is nice. There needs to be chemistry and a certain level of attraction also. Ive met plenty of great guys who just dont do it for me, and Ive met other great guys who make me go crazy for them. Its a personality thing too, not just someone being «nice». Amongst the group of «good guys» there are many different types of guys. So dont think that all good men will make you feel this bored or will be unattractive. Find yourself a good guy who is also sexy and great in bed. Especially if you are thinking about settling down.
...............................
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (18 October 2019):
You’re experiencing hesitation because you know he is not the right guy for you. You’re staying in this because you hope that in time all of his good qualities will overcome your lack of attraction. That seems unfair to both of you.
One more thing. And maybe this is just my inner dad worrying. It seems to me that his reaction to you telling him by text that you were going out of town on business was excessive. And his actions when you were gone kind of ...”needy.” Just something to think about.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2019): You don't obligate yourself to someone just because they check-off all the boxes.
It may be a tradition in many cultures to marry, and then develop feelings for your spouse sometime in the future. Unless you were brought-up in such a culture; you can't just "create" a relationship based on someone's great character and personality alone.
You have to have a chemistry. Both a physical AND emotional-attraction; that literally transcends just the superficial-attributes that basically describe an all-around nice-guy, or a great candidate for a "friend."
Sweetheart, if your heart isn't in it; there's no need to pursue it.
I don't think you're pulling-away for any other reason except that he's not the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with. There are far too many people getting married for all the wrong reasons; only to be divorced within 3-5 years of marriage. After bringing children into the world, and accruing debt together. Suddenly blindsiding your spouse with the realization you've "fallen out of love." You don't really just fall out of love. The fact is, you never were in the first place. Save yourself the trouble.
Besides, you're only dating. You're putting the cart before the horse! I might suggest that you don't allow him to grow too attached, lead him on, and simply surrender yourself to what one could define as a business deal. "Marry me, be my sperm-donor, contribute your income, and I'll fulfill the contract by being [a wife]." What's love got to do with it???
If you can't feel an emotional-attraction that you simply can't resist; then you don't have the makings of love. You simply have a "great catch!"
Like so many women, you're going to rationalize and delude yourself into thinking: "if I don't pounce on this opportunity now; it may never come again!" By the same token...if you don't feel love budding in your heart, accompanied by a physical-attraction all at the same-time; he's not the man you want to commit yourself to. He's just a "great catch." You'll waste a chunk of both your lives with a pretense of a relationship.
Maybe he offers all the desirable traits one wants in a boyfriend and/or husband; but to commit him to a relationship that isn't tethered by love, is nothing more than deception or a scam! You would be interrupting his destiny to find the right-woman, and delaying your own destiny to find the right-guy!
It's better for him to find someone who falls for him hook, line, and sinker.
Same goes for you! There ain't nothing like loving someone who loves you back! I know, because I've been there and done that; and I'm doing it as I'm writing this.
I would be devastated to discover someone I married only married me because I was a great catch, and merely checked-off all the boxes. Yet, the most important element of all was missing. That person didn't fall completely in-love with me in every way possible.
Make lovely friends. There is no budding-romance here.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (17 October 2019):
 I am afraid that if you stay with this man that somewhere down the road you are likely to regret it and start with the "Could have..should have..would have...or the what if". You come right out and state that you aren't physically attracted to him. Perhaps it sounds shallow but let's be honest..don't we all want to be attracted to our mate? Everyone has different tastes so obviously what is beautiful to one is not to another but its OK to want your mate to be pleasing to you! I have been with my husband for almost 20 years and to me he is still so attractive and still makes my heart flutter. I would of course still love him if he was in an accident or got an illness because I love him but yes, I still find him sexy. I do think that's something to consider OP.
The next bit is even more important. You have only been dating for 3 months but you didn't mention that you love him. So what do you feel for him? Don't underestimate feelings/love. If you don't feel attracted to him or love him then what is there? Genuine friendship. Thats good..but I am not sure its enough.
I agree wholeheartedly with CindyCares that someday if you two get together you may feel resentment or be wondering what you may have missed. Think it over carefully. Good luck and move cautiously.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2019): If you have no physical attraction then you have no chemistry. Yes the big hormone driven crush you get in the beginning fades over time but it has to be there at the start or you're just shacking up with a friend. And that's ok if that's your choice but I wonder would he want to settle for someone who doesn't feel attracted to him?
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 October 2019):
 This "He really is everything I have been looking for" contradicts this, "I am not very physically attracted to him".
My advice to anyone in this situation is to not do this, "I want to get married and have children"
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 October 2019):
 Ok, I admit right away that mine probably won't be good advice, and as a matter of fact I hope that other Aunts may come up with something more sensible and helpful.
But to me,the keys is in " I am not very phisically attracted to him ". Oh sure, now that you are older you know that the immediate physical connection blah blah, what counts is the emotional connection … This in theory. On paper. In practice, if you listen to your body- the body is wise;there's a body wisdom which knows what your soul needs too. You can't really nourish your spirit if your body and senses are not happy too. Oscar Wilde said " Only superficial people do NOT judge by appearances " and, to me, that's more than just one of his flippant quips. It means that we are made of flesh and spirit, and the right person for us is someone who calls at both.
Both.
Of course, 75 % of love troubles, and 75 % of posts on Dear Cupid, come from women and men who take the physical connection, the skin deep attraction, the hormones in short, for " love " or " feelings " and try unsuccessfully to build strictly on such a fragile foundation, causing endless disasters in their love life and clinging to toxic and damaging relationships. Obviously, I do not advocate that.
But also doing the opposite is risky , and precaurious, and leading to bitterness, i.e. what ( I think ) you are doing, going by the book, in a sort of paint by numbers exercise : good guy , ticks all the boxes, perfect on paper, kind, attentive, all you could hope for. There 's only one pesky little detail:... basically , you don't like him. You like his kindness, you like his potential as a husband and father, you like the way he treats you, - all good. But you don't really like-like him. He does not excite you, he does not thrill you, he does not amaze you. His physical form does not resonate any chord inside you, and not just at a genital level.
Sorry but I think that without that ineffable spark, that certain je -ne-sais-pas-quoi between two people- any relationship is doomed. You don't have , and you can't keep feeling " butterfies in your stomach " forever, but even when the giddiness and the excitemenet of the novelty has gone,there must be a solid , carnal attraction. Without which, the relationship can be kept artificially alive due to practical or financial considerations,by sheer will strength but… nah,it won't work. At some level, you will always feel that you are settling for someone you did not really want , and the funny thing is you'll come to resent the poor guy even if he has no fault for YOUR choices.
...............................
|
