A
female
age
30-35,
*exymonsterr
writes:I'm a 15 year old girl, who has a 18 year old boyfriend. What bothers me is to know that he has not been a virgin since he was 16. When I first met him I really didn't care.. I guess since he didn't mean much to me but now, I love him. He would have been perfect if he were still a virgin. But besides not being a virgin, he is very experienced. Three girls he has had sex with. I hate the fact that he was telling me about how virginity was a very important thing, when he's not even a virgin. Now, I think about him and those girls all the time and I just can't get over that fact. I love him so much, but I feel that if one day we were to have sex, he would compare me, or even worse... I would be thinking of him, and those girls. I can't explain myself. But the thing is that, that was his past, and I'm his present. Then why can't I just get over it? What can I do to get over it?
View related questions:
still a virgin Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009): You didn't answer my question Martini, should I be happy, sad or indifferent? Why should I feel this way? What makes your 'more worldly' opinion more valid than mine?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2009): Correction Mr. Anon who I question on your narrow-mindedness: It is not the world I need to see in which narrow mindedness is apparent. It is yours and yours alone because you posted here. If you had not, then you would have simply joined 'the world' where narrow-mindedness is generously applied.
Tomas has it right on the bullseye with the word "gift". Slightly long-winded with the rant, but I rather enjoyed his thoughts. Something more settling with so much unsettling in this world.
...............................
A
male
reader, Tomas +, writes (21 February 2009):
I'm sympathetic to the questioner's question, as women (I believe are raised to) feel a lot of competition with each other.
What I want to say, though, is directed at a commenter, male anonymous locking horns with Martini, coming from the more traditional male perspective on this question. As a guy I feel more comfortable challenging his point of view, but perhaps the questioner could take something away for her situation.
========== rant
What disturbs me most is this idea that the value of a person comes not from who they are, their character, their kindness, their sense of humor, but rather from whether and what kinds of experiences they have had in life.
Every experience we have helps shape us, and the resulting "us" is the only thing we bring to relationships with other people. To look at a woman (or a man) as a Virgin or Not a Virgin, is to see them not for the person they are, but for some abstract idea they represent. Like someone being Black. It strikes me as an extremely superficial approach to relationships.
Virginity is not a real thing, like an umbrella or a car or an apple. There was an argument on another thread asking about virginity in relation to boys, and homosexuality, and different kinds of sex, and nobody could convince anyone else because virginity is just a social construct.
Virginity used to be very important when women were essentially property, a financial burden that a family wanted to pawn off on the wealthiest man possible, bribed by a dowry. Because women could not support themselves financially, they were dependent on men, and thus could use men's sexual desire for them as a bargaining chip to get that financial support. No milk unless you buy the cow.
The concept of the pure innocent virgin as a valuable commodity, something you can't get for free and thus have to "buy" with marriage, comes out of this.
Nowhere in this is love. Nowhere is friendship, and compassion, and caring. It is women's sexuality as something to be owned by a man. It's the new car smell. A woman (or man) is not a car.
Yes having experienced partners can make us insecure. It reminds us that we aren't the only people they could have chosen or loved (or might in future). This isn't a romantic notion, but it is reality. It reminds us that love and relationships and life are messy and imperfect, and must be handled with care. It's healthy and it keeps us honest and on our toes.
It is much nicer but more dangerous to lie back and believe you are worshiped totally and unconditionally by someone else.
But to begrudge love and laughter and pleasure in your partner, experiences that made them who they are (into the person you supposedly love), that involved no betrayal of you, and to see their bodies or their sexual ignorance (in the sense of innocence) as something owed to another person, an expected asset in a transaction, is to my mind barbaric.
People are not possessions. Their lives belong to them, and they share them with us because we make them happy.
And the need for someone else to live a life of abstinence out of loyalty to someone they do not know, so as to ensure that whenever they meet you they will have no better experiences to compare you to ... the idea that they owe you ignorance of what does and does not make them happy so that you will have no competition in their minds, so that your ego can feel special...
Wow.
In some cultures women are not allowed to go to school for the exact same reason.
There are many good, practical reasons to avoid rushing into sex, especially when you are young, but none of them involve owing something to a future stranger.
Your life is yours. Be smart, be safe, watch out for yourself, don't get hurt or used, but NEVER feel that you owe ignorance to another person, especially someone who loves you.
========== /rant
to male anonymous, fair point that narrow mindedness cuts both ways. as someone married to a woman who was sexually abused as a child, the idea that innocence is something one person owes another strikes me as a terribly hurtful idea. And hearing stories of women killed in other cultures after rape because they are now impure and a shame on their families ... I hope you can understand how people question the cultural preoccupation with this "gift" that you wish you were given.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2009): So I should be happy that my wife gave her virginity to some other guy?
How should I feel? Good, Bad, Indifferent?
If I should be happy with two before me, why not three, ten, fifty, one hundred, three hundred? Kind of tones down the specialness of the relationship, doesn't it?
Belittling? Maybe, but how bad can I be if I made sure that I saved my gift for her? She must be pretty important to me, huh?
What do I do with this hurt that I am feeling then? (By the way, 'Just get over it' doesn't work, if it did, I wouldn't feel this way.)
If you are going to lecture me on narrow-mindedness, maybe you should look at the world around you and accept the fact that there are all sorts of people that have all sorts of beliefs and opinions about this subject. I propose that it is you that are narrow-minded and unaccepting of others values and feelings.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): To Male Anon below who said "but I applaud you for remaining a virgin and showing more maturity than my wife did". That is belittling your wife.
Not only did you belittle your wife, but you assign maturity to having to hold one's 'virginity'. I'm wondering if I have to measure your narrow mindedness, would it barely slide under the space of my door?
You have all these "what if" factors playing in your mind. "What if I had been her first? Then it would probably have made our relationship even more amazing." "What if a giant rock crashed into Earth two thousand years ago and killed all life on the planet? We wouldn't be here typing away at our keyboards." "What if I had gotten together with that girl with the red glasses back in grade 11? Our kids might wear glasses today too!"
You sir, disgust me with your banter. Your wife should divorce you for having such a petty mentality. Ugh, I'm grossed out just to share the same web page as you have.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): Hey, I'm married and in the same situation. I was a virgin when I met my wife and fell head over heels in love. I didn't care that she wasn't a virgin, but now I have realized how much more our relationship could have been if she had just waited. Instead of being her first and most important, I get to be number 3. As for your pain, nothing seems to help, only time.People will tell you the same things they have told me, namely:The past is the past, he/she chose you. Well no, not really, you were his/her 2nd, 3rd, etc. choice.If things had been different, you two might never had met. Well, that may be true, but maybe not. Would you be happier or sadder?Different standards apply to men and women. Well no, they don't. You and I are living proof of that. We both waited to share what we have with someone. You a woman and I a man.If I had to do it over again I would make some hard decisions over wether or not I would get married. I currently have the enjoyment of all the financial and time obligations of marriage, while two other men are out there walking around who got to enjoy all the benifits of my marriage with none of the responsiblity that I get to have.Ultimately, it is your decision to make. I know how hard this is, but I applaud you for remaining a virgin and showing more maturity than my wife did. I hope you remain strong and pure until you have decided you are truely ready, happy and sure that this is something that you want to do.
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (20 February 2009):
 Hi there, I think it would probably be good if you thought about and accepted the fact, that there has a;ways bee and more than likely will continueto be a double standard in societywhen it comes to virginity and sexual experience.Men are suposed to go out and find as many willing women as possible to learn what to do in the bedroom,women on the other hand are supposed to, by certain standards, wait to have their first sexual experience with their husband if they want to be thoughtof as ladies. Maybe things have changed, but msybe not much. So he has experimented and you haven't, Ithinkthat he would appreciate your waiting. But the past is the past, why fret over something that you cannot change. How about working on making your relationship with him, the best that it can be. We all have done things that, if we had thought about it, we might not have done. He is a man in a man's world. men want to think of themselves as conquers, especially to their friends as they are growing up. Let time take it and think about the future, and how to be the best friend to each other that you can be.You waste time if you dwell in the past. Live life for today and tomorrow. Set your goals and try to have the best life you can,let things that are gone be gone. Tomorrow is another day. Be happy. Take care.
...............................
A
male
reader, anoms  +, writes (20 February 2009):
 look at it this way if he was that concerned about comparing you to his previous partners in that way, then he probably wouldnt be with you, he would be with them or with another. he's probably just expressing his admiration for the fact that you have been more sensible enough to keep yours, if you love eachother i wouldnt look any deeper into it, gudluk.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): What can you do to get over it? Time being together with him may eventually ease you out of your sexual discomfort. Once you two start getting sexually active, then all that stuff would become diluted. If it doesn't come to that, it simply means you're incompatible with that ideal.
...............................
|
