A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys. Im in deseperate need of advice because im literally at my wits end. My bf is 8 yrs younger than me. We have a 3 yr old together and i have a tennager daughter from a previous relationship. We had a whirlwind romance and i ended up pregnant very early on in the relationship but we were in love and we embraced this new change in pur lives and we moved in together. Fast forward a few years later and it just seems to be problem after problem. He is constantly over stepping the mark with my child with orders and how he speaks to her, all negative he has never praised her or spent quality time with her to build a relationship. I feel like hes on a constant power trip and we argue so much about this. He apologies and tells me hes stressed at work etc, but i feel that having to remind him respect works both ways just has me at the end. Ive come to find he annoys me and our relationship is dead. No attraction on my side or fun, understanding etc. My feelings have changed so much in the last year and alot has been because of how he is with my daughter. He is living in denial and says hes blissfully happy and were a great family and im sitting here feeling torn and trapped. I dont know what to do anymore i feel like nothing changes with him and im now on anti depressants because im just so down. Anytime i try to end things he just disregards it and says hes going nowhere then plays witb our daughter and continues acting like nothings happened and cleans the house, makes dinner and trys to act like were all hunky dory. What should i do?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (29 January 2019):
 Trying to continue to address the OP rather than respond to the aunts is a tricky skill.
I really was just trying to introduce some levity to the situation.
jls is correct. Your relationship is in very bad condition for only being a few years old. Your loss of attraction to him is almost always incurable. His happiness is not enough to carry you through. (I know, I've been there)
You do seem to be somewhat afraid to be alone, and my lighter comment may have led you to think that security is enough. I'm sorry for that if it is the case.
If you continue unattracted to him the relationship will die no matter what he does.
A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (28 January 2019):
‘On the other hand a guy with a job, who cleans house and cooks, How are you going to replace that?’
It makes me really sad that society applauds men for the most basic of human skills. He SHOULD have a job and know how to feed and clean up after himself. That’s the bare minimum for a functioning adult and it certainly doesn’t make him a catch!
I’m sorry if I sound like that has hit a nerve, but when my long term relationship was falling apart I was constantly given reasons like this to hang on - but he loves you; but he’s never cheated; but you’re not getting any younger etc... It didn’t matter to these people that he constantly belittled my appearance and intelligence in front of our friends (‘he’s just joking, lighten up’) or that he was only interested in having his own needs met (‘if you want to cuddle with no sex sometimes just get a dog’). No, all that mattered to these people was that I had managed to hook a man and here I was thinking of cutting him loose and, gasp, become single as I approached 30.
And do you know what OP? My only regret is not doing it sooner.
You know yourself if your relationship is over. No-one else’s opinion matters - not even his and certainly not anyone else’s. If you’re done, tell him in no uncertain terms that it’s over and start taking steps to end it. Or alternatively if you think there’s still a glimmer of hope, tell him what needs to be done to fix it and give him a timeframe to buck up his ideas and stick to it. But please, whatever you do, don’t listen to anyone that tries to convince you to stay in a crappy and miserable relationship because you might not be able to do better. Not only is it not true, but it’s an utterly miserable way to live.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (28 January 2019):
On the other hand a guy with a job, who cleans house and cooks, How are you going to replace that?
At the darkest points of my marriage. I also felt that my wife would do nothing to help because she was happy with the status quo. My unhappiness was just grouchy moodiness and she was sure I would soon get over it.
I guess I learned that it is very hard to see how unhappy your partner is when you are happy.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 January 2019):
 You don't need his permission to end the relationship. If it is over for YOU, it is over.
Who does your house belong to? If it is yours, give him a time limit in which he has to leave. If he still hasn't left, which is likely, get a solicitor involved. If the place is his, find somewhere else for you and your daughters to go. If you took out the lease in joint names, how long is it for? Speak to your landlord/agent about ending it early or removing your name from it.
It sounds like you are raising THREE children, not two. No wonder you are so weary. Your daughters need you to be in good health to care for them. Take back control and make plans and stick to them.
He will, of course, have a right to see his daughter and he will also need to help to support her financially. Make sure you get legal advice to ensure this happens.
I'm sure you have already realized that you should always use reliable contraception unless you are actively planning for a child. If you hadn't rushed into moving in together because of your pregnancy, his flaws as a partner would probably have become evident before you were so involved and it would have been far easier to walk away from the relationship.
Be strong. You can do this - for yourself and for your daughters.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2019): Before leaving you have to establish your reasons. You also may need to seek legal counsel; because he may not allow you to walk-away with a child, that is much his as she is yours.
At this point, he isn't acknowledging the problem; and it is likely he will put-up resistance if you attempt to leave. Nor is it certain he will go if asked. Keep a journal of events where he mistreats the child. Your teenage daughter is witness.
As an unmarried mother, you must know your custody rights. By law as the woman who gave birth to the child, you are the sole residential parent and legal custodian of your child until a court of competent jurisdiction would designate another person as residential parent and legal custodian. The law gives him rights too, but grants you primary custody until a court intervenes to determine visitation rights and whatever. You have all the custody rights for now and don't have to go to court, but you need to protect yourself.
You have to have someplace to go if he refuses to leave; and you will have to be strong enough to deal with the situation. You can't stay if you have concerns about the child's well-being; and you can't fall apart and be established as a competent parent.
These are the problems with parenting children outside of marriage. You end-up needing to leave and unsure of what you should do and what legal protections you have. You're uncertain about having him removed from the premises. You also have to be concerned about traumatizing your children in the process. Then you have to set the wheels in motion for financial child-support and health insurance coverage.
Before doing anything, make sure you have a safe place for you and your children. Have someone, preferably a male relative, to help you to leave; if he refuses to allow you to. Then start legal proceedings for child-support.
Again, so many women in these situations are estranged from their own families; and have no support-systems, or a Plan B. I hope that isn't your situation. Otherwise, I'm not sure why you haven't removed yourself from this situation sooner?
You've described an environment that isn't safe for your daughter, you no longer feel there is any possibility you can repair your relationship; and worst of all, it is adversely-affecting your health and your state of mind.
You're hopefully receiving some form of therapy or counseling; and not just being prescribed medication. You have to have it together; because your children are depending on you. You're also going to be on your own for awhile.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (28 January 2019):
 He obviously isn't listening and hearing you. You ask what should you do - you already know what you have to do. You and your children deserve better than this. So do whatever it takes. Either he goes or you do. It is what it is, regardless of how your bf sees it - the relationship is over. If it's specificities of how to leave, then ask those questions. But if all you're asking is should you leave - hell yeah!
Take care xx
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 January 2019):
 If he won't leave, then YOU might have to take the kids and leave (unless the house is yours).
He is your BF, not husband so you CAN kick him out. You might have to file for an eviction notice, you might want to check with a lawyer and set up visitation for your shared child.
I, for one, CAN NOT understand when mothers allow a man to treat her child in any way share or form in a detrimental manner. she is a teenager, so sure she might be a handful but all you are doing by STAYING with him (or not kicking him out) is hurting HER and your younger child. I would NEVER have moved in with a man (pregnant or not) who didn't treat my OWN kid right.
But that is hindsight I suppose.
It all comes down to WHO owns the house you live in. Him or you. And it might also come down to the laws of the state, as you MIGHT in some state be regarded as common law.
He knows that when you say he has to leave all he has to do is IGNORE you, and you cave.
YOU are miserable, so END the relationship so YOU and your kids can build a healthy future.
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