A
male
age
30-35,
*YN17
writes:Bit of a long question here, but I've got this friend that I met a few years ago and lived with for a year in university. Since then we have basically become best friends and throughout it I've always maintained us just being friends and had been happy with it. But this past summer she got into a new relationship and all of a sudden I feel like maybe I feel something stronger towards her but because of a terrible previous experience I never said anythingAnd I'm just afraid of potentially misattributing these feelings and going through that all over againThe strange thing is, I never felt this way when she was single and now it seems she's always on my mind and I feel uneasy whenever she mentions her boyfriendI guess my question is how do I risk telling her and changing our friendship forever or keep it to myself and just try and get over it?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (29 January 2019):
 If she is happy with this boyfriend, then you need to step back and keep your new found feelings to yourself. You had plenty of opportunity over the years to find and express these feelings, yet you didn't. For the time being at least, it is someone else's turn with her.
My guess is that, if you WERE to tell her about your feelings, it would make things very awkward between you. Regardless of whether she has feelings for you or not, she is currently in a relationship.
If there comes a time when your friend's relationship ends, then and only then should you consider approaching her IF your feelings are still the same.
In the meantime, it might be best if you limit your time with her. Spend time with other friends. Meet new people. Most of all, use this time to sort out whatever it was that has made you so afraid to have another relationship.
Is it possible you are suddenly developing these "feelings" because you feel "safe" with your friend?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2019): I kind of understand the feelings you have. You feel a bit threatened by this outsider. You've had her almost exclusively to yourself, and you've got a history.
We males are kind of wired to defend and protect the women we grow closest too. Other males bring-out our competitive side. She depended on you, and you made yourself vulnerable to her. At the moment, you don't share that with any other woman. She has been dependable and loyal. So you've turned that into more than friendship. Pretty convenient.
I think for the sake of your feelings, and respect for her relationship; you should stay mum about your feelings. They are coming from jealousy; and a bit of protectiveness. I'd venture to say they're bordering just a little on the possessive side. You knew her first; but you don't own her. Your romantic-feelings stem from jealousy, you're being a little clingy; and feeling you could lose her.
Don't go there. It wouldn't be right. Keep it to yourself. You need to get-out more and explore other romantic pursuits. Not claim ownership through what she thought was friendship.
You know telling her your feelings would create drama and confusion. It would be selfish and calculated. With intent to sabotage and upset the apple-cart with shock-waves.
You're an adult. Yes, you must man-up and get over her. Park your infatuation in the friend-zone. Let there be peace and harmony. You know as their relationship progresses; she'll have to edge you out a little, and direct more of her time and attention to her beau.
You were comfortable and complacent in your friendship. When you should have been dating other women. Your friendship is was practical and handy. She's a bird in the hand. Not much of a challenge. Familiarity made her easily accessible; and you were taking advantage of it.
Get-out and challenge yourself like she did.
If she wanted you, there would be no other guy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 January 2019):
 If she is STILL with this BF then you keep your mouth shut.
It's not really fair of you to PUT her in that position of you having feelings for you, but ONLY when she is no longer single.
And I have to say IF she felt romantically inclined towards you.... something would have happened in the time you two have known each other.
Maybe this is a sort of wake up call where you need to "cut" the apron string with this "friend" and find a SINGLE female to woo, romance and date.
If you can't keep the friendship because of your romantic feelings for her, then I'd just slowly let her go.
I'm pretty sure YOU wouldn't appreciate if you had a GF and one of her male friends decided to declare HIS feeling to her, now would you?! So why would it be OK for you to do that?!
Use your common sense.
Also, if you ONLY discovered you having romantic feeling for her AS SOON as she started dating, are you really sure it's not her UNAVAILABILITY you are attracted to?
What ever happened in the past with another girl/woman you GOT to let that shit go. Carrying around hurt for years is not going to do YOU any favors or help you build a healthy relationship in the future. What you do, is look back and LEARN from whatever went down and not repeat that. Being scared of being hurt potentially will mean you aren't REALLY living life to the fullest. And that's a shame.
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