A
female
age
41-50,
*oker71275
writes:I'm torn on whether or not I should divorce my husband. A year ago, pill popping and alcohol abuse led to him physically abusing me. I called the police (later dropping the charges) and left the house for two months and got some therapy. I went back home and things were better for a little while. Now things to seem to be going back to the "bad place". He's been in and out of the hospital for the past two months for all sorts of physical problems as a result of his continued alcohol abuse. When he's not in the hospital, he's a drunk zombie. He's also spending all of our money on alcohol while I work two jobs to try to support us and get us out of our debt. He keeps telling me he'll stop drinking, then turns around and drinks and tells me he's got it under control. I don't know if I can believe that he will ever stop drinking. I'm scared that we're going to lose everything because of him and I don't know if I want to be with him anymore. It's hard to love someone who doesn't care about himself. I've mentioned divorce a few times in the past week, and his response is "what will happen to me" or "you will go to hell" or "you will have to pay me if you divorce me". Help!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): You need to leave, join Al-Anon...you are enabling him and disabling yourself from having a happy life. He is thinking of himself, that is all he is capable of in his state and as is clear from his behaviour. Now you have to think about yourself. You will be doing yourself ande him a huge injustice by staying. It will only get worse.If he is going to get angry maybe pack your things, balance out paperwork/bills etc so you aren't left with the costs, and start to remove yourself from the house when he is sleeping or out, it is better to actually speak in person when you are ready to walk away and all of your things are removed, but only if you think it is safe, maybe bring a friend along, their presence should at least give you a little strenght to do it. if you think that he will get violent, leave when he is not there. Worry about yourself in this only. it is a very difficult thing to do. My thoughts and best wishes are with you.
A
female
reader, Maria-consuela  +, writes (14 November 2010):
 You cannot make him get better, you cannot make him see what he is doing is wrong.
My ex husband was an alcoholic. We all think when we come in to contact with an alcoholic or addict that their behaviour is comparable to those who aren't afflicted with the same disease. As long as he is drinking - (and by drinking I mean even if he white knuckles it through a few days without a drop - that is still the same as being blind drunk) you cannot believe a single word he says. The mind of an alcoholic is not centered around honestly, compassion or understanding. The alcoholic mind is constantly plotting - the disease takes over a part of the brain and slowly convinces the alcoholic that he or she must continue to abuse this substance to survive, and that he or she must do anything to do just this.
I lived for a couple of years in this hell, questioning, wondering, waiting and crying - and it is not a life I wish for anybody. The abuse gets worse and the part that hurts even more, is that he will hit you and scream in your face and barely remember it the next day. He will convince you that is it your responsibility to help or aid him in getting better - but meanwhile you are just helping him stay sick.
I'm not saying that anything is your fault - it isn't. In fact, none of it has anything to do with you. You can't stop it, or change it and you need to accept that. Accept that it is completely within his power alone to make the drastic changes in his life that are neccesary for complete recovery and long-term sobriety. It sounds cliche, but it truly is a process that works best 'One Day at A Time..'
Al-Anon is a great resource, and was very helpful for me when I was dealing with my ex. If anything else it is nice to have some people to talk to that have comparable experience. I will warn you though, the first meeting you attend you will be told that you aren't there to talk about your spouse. You are there to talk about yourself, and getting better for you. Finding a way to be happy, content and successful in your own right - whether he is drinking or not. I spend alot of those meetings crying and venting, and was quickly told that as much as the other members were there for me for solace, they didn't want to hear me upset about something that I couldn't change.
Just work on the things you can... :)
Good luck, and I feel for you - I hope you are able to come out of this stronger and happier than ever!
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A
male
reader, Love-Wisely +, writes (14 November 2010):
 You are living the enablers nightmare. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
One thing I have definitely learned about failing relationships: 2-months apart isn't enough to fix things. Both people have to fully work on themselves longer than that. Hindsight is 20-20, but still, you could greatly benefit from returning to the mental/emotional state you were in after therapy.
The evil rudeness he throws at you when you express a desire to leave: is enough by itself to justify going - without looking back. Do everything in your power to protect yourself a.s.a.p.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): You've got some homework to do... C.Grant is right. Get to Al-anon. There you'll met women (and men) who have been exactly where you are. They are the only folks who can full comprehend what you're going through.You may even meet a few whos alcoholic is in recovery in AA. What you'll learn is that you're married to a person who has what can only be compared to a disease. Your husband has become addicted. Odds are good that he's in the hell where his drinking no longer gets him to the happy place it once did. When he drinks, he chasing a distant memory. It's hell to drink - hell not to. He has to hit his bottom, or he'll never seek recovery. That's a given. Some drunks die before they find their bottom, you staying with him may be enabling him and preventing him from bottoming out.You need to start taking care of yourself, and find some people who you can trust and who are not emotionally involved in this situation. Al-anon will provide this... it was founded by the wife of a drunk, in fact the wife of one of the founders of AA. She noticed that while the drunks got better, the wives were stuck in the same fear (and hell) that they were while their men were still drinking. Getting to Al-anon will allow you to start to heal, like your husband, none of us can do this alone.Keep in mind, you too are suffering from alcoholism, you just we not the one drinking.Be strong, life get MUCH better.PS: Your husband is wrong about you having to pay him to get a divorce. Get to Al-anon, they'll save your life!Been there... love life today!
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (14 November 2010):
 It sounds like you are enabling him to continue his drinking since you are supporting his habit. Get out of there. Divorce him. You have given him his chances and its time for you to move on. You only have one life, live it for you. He is not going to stop his drinking, not until he hits rock bottom, you can't make an addict quit, they have to want to do it themselves.
Please get out of there. Safely. You never know with alcoholics how they will react to anything. I hope this helps!! Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): No more discussion. No more consulation, dont give him another warning. Dont raise the subject again. You already gave him a second chance. He failed your trust in him. Do some tidying up at home, not making too much fuss about it. You are just tidying. What you are really doing is sorting out the things you really want to take versus what you can leave behind. Get your iwn papers in order. And when he out somewhere for an extended time drinking you will be ready to go at a moments notice. Do not leave a forwarding address. Future communication can be via your lawyer only. Get on with your life. Do not go looking for a new partner in bars. Avoid a drinker like the plague in future. You've done your 'time' with an alcoholic, you don't need another. Get yourself a Post Office Box and have your mail sent there. Make sure all utility bills after you leave are in his name only - you are not responsible for his bills after you leave. Before you leave very quietly Organise the divorce papers, with no correspondence to be sent home, but only have the papers served after you have left. The most dangerous time for a woman is after she tells her man she is leaving. Men even kill a partner for daring to stand up to him, at the time, or just after she has left him. Sadly he knows where you work, he may cause you trouble there, i hope it does not affect your employment. A quiet word to security or the manager at your work may be required. He thinks you are a pushover, he's fooled you many times before, and still you feel responsible for him. I hope you rent, not own your home, as it will be easier to leave.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (14 November 2010):
 It won't get better. Not until he hits "rock bottom." And I can't imagine that happening as long as you're there for him to keep things together.
Talk to these people: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html
They can help you to see more clearly not just what's going on, but what's ahead for you.
As a rule I advise people to stay with their marriages. Addiction is an exception to that rule. You must take care of yourself, because the near-term prospect with him is that you'll continue to be drained.
Good luck.
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