A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for over 2.5 years. We have a 21 month year old together. We hardly ever get along. I feel unappreciated. I stayed home and collected unemployment even though I wanted to work so I can watch our son while she went to beauty school. I'm also a full time student. She graduated recently and got a job which she'll start soon. She's threatened to move to her moms house twice which I talked her out of. I feel like the fact I supported the family and paid for everything trying to make her school be easy as possible since that's all she had to worry about and I feel like she doesn't even appreciate that. She's always bitchy, we hardly have sex, she's super messy and I constantly have to clean up after her. Not to mention she doesn't know how to handle her finances and I had to take care of all the financial issues. We had an argument recently and she said if we have another one, she's done. It's hard to believe how she could be that cold after all the sacrifices I made, without me, she wouldn't done as well in school. What should I do? I'm so tired of being the only responsible adult as she doesn't take care of the house at all and barely knows how to deal with bills. Is it even worth staying with someone like that for our son? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've been not fair. I've been treating her like a 3rd party instead of thinking like a one unit family. She was just doing whatever to better the future of family and part of that needed me to pitch in funds whenever needed. I was taking this like I was a bank and she got a loan instead of me contributing for the better of the family. I had an epiphany today and realized I was being selfish and not thinking about the family as a whole and was thinking individually. I think we'll be ok as long as I keep thinking what we're both doing is for the family and not for ourselves individually.
A
male
reader, honestman  +, writes (17 February 2012):
"Now that she's graduated and got a job, I feel like she isn't grateful and takes me for granted. I guess I want it to work out for my son"Please, think this twice. You don't want to stay with a woman that doesn't loves you or appreciate your sacrifices, just for the sake of the kids. Yes, you want your son to have a father and a mother, but every day you stay with her, things with her will get worse and worse with her. She won't suffer at all, but you and your son will actually suffer. You can set an example to your son right now, by being a good father, and not to stand the BS she gives you. You can help your son better when you are free from her grip.I strongly advice you to read this site:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorderBPDs (Borderline Personality Disordered) won't ever change, and only get worse every day. You can live a happy life away from her and be a responsible and loving father. Sticking with her 'till the end will probably do more harm to your child because he is going to grow up in a dysfunctional family. If things have never been good being with her, they will never be. If she doesn't want to go to couples therapy, she will never want to go. Even if you to couples therapy, you'll find out that she won't change at all. That's the way BPDs work.You are a better father if you fight for your mind health and happiness than just being a perpetual unhappy and miserable father.I don't want to sound like an advertisement, buy you should read this blog: www.shrink4men.com/ It's about men who are married with BPDs, and how miserable their lives are. If you want to now how worse things are going to get for you and your children, PLEASE read that blog.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 February 2012):
 Trust me when I tell you that kids pick up on the tension between parents even if they never see them fight… staying together for the sake of the kids is NEVER a good idea.
Have you told her you feel that she takes you for granted? Have you considered counseling?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm staying because I want my son to have a mom and dad together. We don't fight or argue when he's around. We both come from a fam that has divorced parents. The first year, I worked full time and went to school and paid for everything. I only started unemployment when she started school to help her out and not let her worry about finding baby sitters. I wanted her to succeed. Now that she's graduated and got a job, I feel like she isn't grateful and takes me for granted. I guess I want it to work out for my son. I also feel like it would make everything harder if we split now. I don't know.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 February 2012):
All I needed to see was “being a bitch to me for no reason”
You are done. Let her go.
My man makes less than me. He probably always will. I make enough for him to stay home if he wants. But he does not want that. He is currently laid off and looking for a job. I resent that he’s not doing all the chores at home right now but he’s coping with his stress as best as he can. I work full time and I do the chores in the house…
She’s always bitchy
You hardly have sex
You are NOT happy that’s obvious… so why do you stay???
BTW when I get home from work (and to be honest I have an easy job and sit on my tushy all day playing on the computer for work) I change and get comfy and do NOTHING for the rest of the night….I NEED that down time. Some folks do.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 February 2012):
 I don't resent a guy who doesn't work. We do what we have to in order to run the family. If the better and more practical option for the moment is that a guy stays home while a girl doesn't, there's nothing to resent as long as the best interests of the family are being upheld.
I think there's resentment regardless of gender if it seems as though one person isn't pulling their weight. If the woman is playing with the iphone and neglecting chores and her boyfriend, there's a problem. The house must be maintained.
However, workwise, you do what must be done, and taking care of the kid *is* a job.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (16 February 2012):
 I am letting you in on a closely guarded female secret...
Women resent men who don't work
It's primeval because the man is suppose to be the hunter gatherer. Doesn't matter that you are a student or supported her when she was in school...it messes with a womans head if a man doesn't work. Unfair but true.
Probably why she is being such a pain in the arse!!
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A
male
reader, honestman +, writes (16 February 2012):
Does she withholds sex from just as a way of pressure?
Is she a spender?
Does she put the blame on you for everything?
Is she manipulative?
Do you constantly walk over egg-shells?
Does she acts like a 6 year old?
If you answered yes to most of the questions, please read this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder
Try to find if she matches that description.
Now, in case she matches with that criteria, you are in trouble. In that case, please read this site:
ww.shrink4men.com
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh another thing, she hardly does anything when she is home besides sitting on her ass watching tv and playing on her iPhone being a bitch to me for no reason.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDon't think I stated clearly. I meant I stayed home instead of getting a job so she didn't have to and she could just concentrate on school. I go to school too, take care of bills/house, son, etc. You obviously would defend her since you're a female. Aggravating.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 February 2012):
Are you serious??? You made that son! You want a medal because you stayed home to watch him?? She went to beauty school in order to get a job to better the family. You were also a full time student, so what's the problem?
You were getting unemployment. I might feel different if you had been working 3 jobs and were in school, but she wasn't just sitting home doing nothing! She was a student too, and she did help raise your son! What sacrifice did you make that she didn't also make??
As for finances, the two of you are not married. Usually, in a marriage, there's one person who makes sure the bills are paid. What's the big deal with that? So she's not that good with finances and you are? Unless she's spending off the hook on frivolities for herself, you list what needs to get paid and you pay it. Remember, you should list an amount to deposit into savings as if it were a bill.
As for the cleaning, yes, she should do her part. One thing you could do is once per week, schedule 3 hours together and power clean the house. Make it a scheduled event. Otherwise, yes, there's no room for laziness in cleaning. It's one thing to not be a neat freak. It's another to leave underwear everywhere, dishes in the sink, and cans/packages/dirt places.
In your quest to be appreciated more, you should be doing the same for her. She gave birth to your son, and she is also helping to raise him. Could you handle it if you decided to follow through on your impossible argument ultimatum, she leaves, and you take care of your son as a single father?? Really? You wouldn't be whining about your unemployment so much when you realize that it's not so easy to do it yourself. You say you paid for everything?? You feel that way because you're not married to her. How would you deal as a single dad? Or if your girlfriend had the kid -- do you think that leaving her would stop you from paying child support?
You have to let go of the "playing house" stereotypes and both of you work together to make the family work. She's about to start a job. You are taking care of your son. It's difficult, but your son won't be little forever. If she doesn't deal well with bills and that's your strength, that doesn't make her a child and you an adult.
As for the sex, when was the last time you two took a mini-vacation? When did you have a babysitter or a family member watch your kid for a night or two and escape the responsibilities? Because you're feeling burnt out, and so is your girlfriend. You both are fighting in the trenches of parenthood, and you could use a break together away from the responsibilities!
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