A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 29 years old and in beautiful relationship with this girl (30 years old) I met her 14 months ago and like her so much and she is such a beautiful person and very supportive. She has done a a lot for me, we also have a healthy relationship.But....I am not physically attracted to her but want to be with her cause I know I will never find such a caring person, I have been with pretty girls in my past what shall i do? I know I can do better but I don't want to...She was in relationship for 8 years with this one guy and it kinda bugs me... even thou she doesn't talk about him.. I don't want to tell her I know she will leave me and feel upset about it.Please need some advice...... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (16 February 2012):
 “I know I can do better”
Better than WHAT? Better than a supportive, kind, caring, honest person? Oy vey. You really don’t get what’s important do you?
You don’t want to tell her what? That you don’t find her attractive physically? You must tell her because a full relationship involves being physically attracted to your partner.
When I started out with my guy I did not find him more than cute. He found me as his friends said “old and not that attractive” well a year later guess what I’m “hot beautiful and sexy”…. What changed? Not me… I’m the same… what changed was how HE feels about me. He no longer is settling for an FWB/NSA relationship with me… he fell in love. You don’t love her… you must tell her.
You don’t want to be honest with her because you know she can do better than you and you are afraid to leave her.
DO her a favor and tell her and let her make the choice.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2012): 'you've been with pretty girls in your past' 'I know I can do better' - all sounds very arrogant.
The thing is you say it bugs you cos she has had a relationship with somebody previously - why I wonder, are you sure your not more attached than you think?
If your sure lust is never going to be part of this relationship then let her go so she can find a man who is right for HER.
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A
male
reader, honestman  +, writes (16 February 2012):
I'm probably not the best source of information on this subject, but these are my ideas:
There is a great proportion of pretty girls that are mean, and some others have personality disorders [narcissists, histrionics, borderlines, sociopaths]. They charm good guys, and make their lives miserable. Guys stick with them because they are beautiful in the same way flies will stick to poisoned sugar.
Now, you found this healthy girl which is not so attractive, but you now that she is not mean, not a narc, histrionic, borderline, sociopath, treats you well, haves done for you many things, and probably loves you very much. She probably haves traits and personal values what you consider valuable.
You have two choices. You stay with her, even though she is not attractive, or you leave in the quest for a beautiful woman.
If you choose to leave, beware that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and maybe another man will see beauty on who you thought was not so attractive, and will be enjoying the gold pot that woman seems to be.
[This actually happened to me. I got the girl that no one found attractive, and I'm glad no one else did. They have always told her she was ugly. It turns out she was a late bloomer.]
You will also have to be very lucky to find a pretty, nice, and available woman.
Now, you tell that she had a relationship for 8 years. If she have not told you about it, it might be because she finds it painful to talk about it. I think you should let her tell you when she is ready.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 February 2012):
 How do you know she will leave you ? What makes you think that ?..
I'day the opposite is more probable, that you will leave her . No matter how much we want to do the right thing and choose the right person, physical attraction is important, without it you have a good friendship, not a love relationship. You may rationaly decide that, ok, you don't like her physicay but she is so great that etc.etc., but eventually suppressing such a big part of yourself will take its toll on your relationship, it will create distance and friction, or... you'll cheat.
It's not a matter of " you can do better "- maybe in the eyes of other people - the problem is that you don't LIKE her , from that particular point of view, and irrationally you'll come to resent her for not being what you need. And to resent yourself for having settled for less than you wanted.
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A
female
reader, LovelyLemon +, writes (16 February 2012):
 If she is a beautiful person that you seem to want to spend your life with, then I wouldn't let her go. A deep and meaningful relationship extends past physical attraction. That is usually part of it, but the most important thing is personality compatibility. When you're old, neither of you will probably be smoking hot. What you want is someone that is special to you on a level beyond physical attraction.
My advice is to not let her go.
Much love and Best wishes
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A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (16 February 2012):
 Why should it bug you that she was in a relationship with another guy? That's all in the past. Why are you so bothered that she doesn't talk about it? That's a good thing!
Look, you describe her to be this beautiful, caring person. That's all that matters in the end. You come off as stuck up when you say you can do better and that you've been with pretty girls in the past.
Looks fade away dude. You need something to with stand the test of time and aging. You need to be beautiful inside. You should be lucky that your girlfriend is.
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