A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey all i just need some opinions so here we go im a 23 year old girl who was in a relationship with a guy a year younger than i. we had a baby together and he did not step up to the plate to be a good dad. just a typical dead beat, yes he love his baby but just could not keep a job, i started dating another guy about a year after, he turned out to be a no good dead beat as well, while dating him i found myself attracted to a man at work, who ended up being married and heres the kicker 49 years old. we started talking and we had so much in common that i found myself in love with him. a month later he told his wife about us, i moved in with him about 6 months later, and 6 months later i got pregnant by him. so a year total we were together my baby is due in the beginning of june and we are engaged to be married. everyone is happy for us, but i still get the occational looks, and remarks about how our relationship sprouted. i just could not see myself being with someone my age, they are so immature, they dont have jobs, they live with mommy, and this man im with is so amazing, i dont want for anything, he is generous and kind does everything for me and my child. i dont have to work, which i know most of you are thinking gold digger yes i have had that thrown at me. he makes a pretty decent living, but we live with my mom, so how can anyone think that of me? just so tired of people judging me for my life style.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2013): "they live with mommy"
So do you and your sugar daddy.
OP why would you sick of people judging you when you're just as bad?
With all due respect OP you give them a lot to judge you over:
Second child with second father at 23, this new guy is 49, he was married and you cheated with him, "stole" him from his wife, he's also a 49 year old who lives with your mammy after having to move out of his own place, you don't work to provide for either of your kids you just leech off your sugar daddy, the government and your mother too, and you call guys your age pathetic.
OP how can you not expect to judged for those things? You're just so self-obsessed. Me, me, me. They're deadbeats, I want people to stop judging me, I don't want to work, I want your husband, lady, I don't think I should have protected sex.
Now I don't see a lot wrong with most of those things except you cheating on his wife with him and this supposedly financially secure man living with your mother.
But you made all these choices in your life, they're choices people are not going to agree with and you know it. We don't all have to float on a cloud of praise for you when frankly you sound like someone who will be on Jeremy Kyle soon.
Live your life how you want to, but don't expect us all to think you're living it right. Especially when you criticize young men for doing the exact same things you're doing.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2013): yes he is divorced. yes he pays her what is called a reabilatative alimony that only lasts for a few years. they didnt have kids together, but he had step kids. i trust him and know that he would never leave me. and staying with my mom is just temporary we had to move to another state for his job and than it didnt pan out so when we moved back we just moved in with her. he got a much better job and he pays her rent and supports other household expenses. and the looks and remarks just comes from friends well what use to be friends. and strangers off the street. but i dont care i got the man of my dreams.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 April 2013):
 OP,
I guess its ok for you to make blanket judgmental statements about an entire population of young men that in general do not appeal to you. And, even though you say “everyone is happy for us” you get the “occasional looks and remarks about how your relationship sprouted”. So while you feel it ok to have your opinions you don’t want anyone else to have theirs is that accurate?
I am wondering who these occasional looks and remarks are coming from that they are SO upsetting to you that it warranted an entire post. If EVERYONE is happy for you, WHO is giving you these “OCCASIONAL “ looks and remarks. Occasional implies infrequently… how common is this… if it’s that rare, why is it bothering you so much? Is it what’s being said or who’s saying it or how often it’s being said?
Listen to me HOW your relationship sprouted SUCKS. His age is irrelevant. You are missing the big picture here.
HE WAS MARRED and he left HIS wife (and I assume children and I wonder how long he was with her) for you. The fact that he was MARRIED and LIVING with his WIFE is the concern here. What’s to stop him from doing the same to you?
A man who lies to and cheats on his wife (he lied and cheated by starting an affair with you while married) is always going to be suspect. I doubt you would be getting as much grief as you are if he had been single when you had started. Your choice of partner based on his situation is what’s suspect.
Then you tell us that HE left his WIFE (and family?) for you and MOVED IN WITH YOUR MOMMY who has to be around his age…. So here is a man old enough to be a grandfather living with his pregnant girlfriend and her mommy and yet he has a good job and makes a decent living? I don’t think so.
So your OLDER man lives with future mommy-in-law tell me how this makes him any better than those immature boys that live with mommy?
Maybe you don’t want for anything because you two live with mommy as well? He can afford to be generous because he has no household expenses… does he pay alimony to the wife he wronged? Does he have child support for other children? Is he paying that?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2013): If you're tired of people judging you there are 2 options as far as I can see:
1) Ignore other people's opinions
2) Appreciate the double standards by which you appear to be living and do something about it. If you are perceiving negative comments aimed at you by others then perhaps you need to re-read your post, consider the glaring hypocrisies therein and make some changes- get a job, move out of your mum's and get your own place and gain some independence. Do you really want to be completely reliant on this guy? (is he divorced now?)
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 April 2013):
 Yeah, I think the majority of judging is actually done by you. You said this:
"i just could not see myself being with someone my age, they are so immature, they dont have jobs, they live with mommy,"
23 year old guys mostly are either in grad school, or at the very beginning of their careers, or in this economy, they're job searching and beating the street trying to get their entry into society. You just chose to have a baby with one who wasn't those things.
Your 49 year old guy is also living with Mommy, but it's your Mommy he's living with. Not only that, but is he divorced from his wife officially? If he hasn't finalized, then you can't be engaged to him because unless he divorces, he's unable to marry. Not only that, but until he finalizes his divorce, your association with him is very shaky, because he could get one phone call and decide to go back and work things out with his wife, either with your knowledge or without it.
You should stop judging, stop worrying about being judged, and start assessing your situation and what your future will be. Right now, you're at the mercy of men. Rather, you're at the mercy of this guy's wife, should she decide to either tug at his heart, or take him to the cleaners at the bank for all the alimony and child support she can get.
Who calls you "gold digger" if he lives with your mom? My question to you is -- how much of his finances do you actually know? How much of his patterns do you actually know? 23 year old with a 49 year old is a power misbalance when he's still married and living with your mom, and you have a baby and another on the way. Everything is in his court and none is in yours.
You have a short-sighted outlook on life. How old will he be when you turn 40, or when you yourself are 49? He'll be 66-75, and you'll have a couple of teenagers at home and who knows how many more. Is this guy an unencumbered single candidate for the rest of your life? Is his divorce with his wife finalized?
I couldn't care less about judging you. But one look through what you've written shows that you're in a car about to drive off of a cliff in the dark without your headlights on. Time to have a big-picture view of yourself 20-30 years later, or you'll be even more bitter than you are, because you have control over what becomes of you, but you've ceded it over to the men who impregnate you.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (18 April 2013):
 Hi
You say you moved in with the married man, but then say you live at home with your Mum. So he actually moved into your Mums with you. No wonder he can afford to spoil you and be generous.As he earns a pretty decent living why haven't you got your own place ready for when baby arrives?
Also you don't have a job, still live with your Mum so how can you judge other people in the same situation.
You had an affair with a married man and he left his wife, for you,you will have to learn to live with the gossip, in time they will get bored of it.
That's the least of your problems though, your taste in men is rubbish so I would learn to be independent and fast, because your fiancée has cheated on his wife and will probably cheat on you when he's bored. You could end up having to support two children - as a single mum.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (18 April 2013):
Maybe you’re being judged for your attitude.
I won’t point out the double-standards that have already been highlighted here. Don’t insult men your own age, your man would have been a 23 year-old trying to find his way in the world once.
What I find interesting is that you say “everyone is happy for us,” then go on to talk about the occasional remark, then finish by saying you’re tired of everyone judging you. But wait, I thought everyone was happy for you?
People will always have an opinion. Some will think the age gap too big. Some will think you should be working. Some will think you’ve rushed things. Some will not believe you love him and that you are a gold digger. You can’t stop people thinking however unpleasant or incorrect you believe their point of view to be, but whose opinion do you choose to value? If the important people in your life are behind you, what does it matter what any of the rest of us think?
Maybe this is really your own insecurity playing tricks on your mind.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 April 2013):
 Funny that you judge harshly young men men who do not work for a living and still live at home with mom, and you are a young woman who does not work for a living and still lives with her mom.
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