A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HiBasically, my girlfriend works and there is a shop she visits everyday on her breaks. A new guy has been working there for a while till the end of the month and she was telling me there is a little flirting when she sees him. Anyway, one random day he asked her if she would like to go for a drink, and she said yes, and phoned me to tell me that she said yes after, because she wanted to me honest with me and that she was going because he is new to the area. It ended up with me asking if he knows about us to which she replied no. She cancelled on him because she felt he might of wanted more (duh) and it turns out he does. We have problems in our relationship as it is, due to fact i was cheated on in the past, and also lately we havent been doing much and stuck in a boring lull. Do you think that she maybe wanted him? Or just seeked attention that she wasnt getting from me? She also has no friends of her own and wants to have her own friends, whether they be male or female.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2013): Who was the one cheating on you? I presume it was not your current girlfriend?It seems she has boundary issues. She wants to be honest and true but can't quite manage it. This is a dangerous thing for a relationship and yes could easily be made worse if she is not getting what she needs from you.Being cheated on sucks but the same goes for relationships as for jobs. Don't let your ex-partner/job affect your behavior with your new-partner/job. Your EX cheated on you. This girl did NOT. Don't punish her and destroy your relationship just because you are afraid to get hurt again because that is the quick route to getting hurt again.Remember that she might have stumbled but she did not slip and she did not lie about it but told you open and honestly. Seems she still wants this relationship to work. Do you? Then don't talk to us about it, talk to HER. And not about what your ex did but about you and her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2013): "Do you think that she maybe wanted him?"
That's very doubtful seeing as she was so open and honest about the whole thing.
"Or just seeked attention that she wasnt getting from me?"
I doubt it. OP I accept her reasons and I'm a cynical bastard. I think everything looks legit here.
OP there are a few issues that you need to resolve here though. I can see why you may be a little worried given what's going on between you two but she has conducted herself pretty well in this situation.
OP most women can't tell if a guy is asking her out for a friendly drink or for more in this kind of situation. Most men probably wouldn't get it either actually.
OP you being cheated on in the past, if it wasn't by her then you need to let that go. Completely. New woman; clean slate.
Also you're in a boring lull and she has no friends? Those issues need to be resolved, because frankly OP that to me sounds like a bit of a prison. What does she do all day, work and stay at home with no social life?
Time to take up a sport, martial art or hobby that includes other people as a couple or individually.
OP not having a life or social group outside a relationship to a man with trust issues is probably putting a big strain on things.
OP she has been perfectly honest here and just thought she had a chance to meet someone new that she could add to her life in a completely platonic manner. But it is a sign that she needs more fun and people in her life.
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (19 April 2013):
 I would imagine she was just being friendly. Men and women spend time together all the time doesn't mean anything is going on. If she is going to leave you she will, nothing you can do and life will go on. But to be honest it sounds like you are over thinking this!
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A
female
reader, HeresBoo  +, writes (19 April 2013):
 She may have, as you said, just wanted to make a new friend and was purposely pushing down her knowledge of his wanting more to go out with someone she knew would be new and affectionate but she hadn't lead on so she could turn down.
You're lucky you have a partner who is honest and cancelled.
Just make sure, in future, she is more up front about her relationship status, and you treat her with the same respect (letting her know and cancelling if needed)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2013): I think your girlfriend may be suffering form a love deficit disorder, and you haven't been paying her enough attention. She wanted to get an emotional rise out of you; so she created the rendezvous with the guy from work to see how you would react. Jealousy stirs up a little passion, which apparently your relationship was lacking. There is a little bit of manipulation here; but it's totally harmless. You did say you were having some problems. It appears you haven't made a mutual effort to work them out. You should take her out for a nice evening and rekindle the good feelings. Try some sincere kindness. Allow yourself to heal from your old wounds.Put time aside for an intimate talk to get some unresolved issues cleared up. Avoid having an argument by not bringing up too many sensitive issues at once. Avoid placing blame or being too critical. Lay down some ground rules before the talk, that way everyone gets the floor and there are no hard feelings at the end.People always advise that you communicate. The problem is, men and women have a different method of communication. Women often articulate their feelings better than men do. Men are not always that eager to lay their feelings out in the open. So you have to be willing to open up and show just enough to let her in. You also have to work on the deep-seated issue you still have about her previous affair.You haven't fully recovered from that, so you probably shut off your feelings to her. She knows your soft spot; so she went for it. As I said, she is manipulating you; but only to get you to open up and let her know you still care.It is very difficult to forgive someone for betrayal. It is hard to believe someone still loves you, if they can give themselves to someone else. It was a mistake. If you can't forgive her, then what was the point of remaining with her?You can't hold her as an emotional hostage denying her to have friends and cutting her off from the world; because you can't deal with your own insecurities. It is likely she will be forced to free herself, if you don't loosen your grip. At some point, you have to forgive or let her go.Just remember. If you're holding her hostage, she has a right to break free. If you love her, you will allow her to be happy, and you will allow yourself to be happy; when you free the both of you by finally forgiving her.She has no obligation to serve a life-time sentence for cheating on you. You didn't have to keep her if you can't forgive her. What she did was wrong. What you are doing by not trusting her enough to even have her own friends is wrong.She doesn't require your permission in the first place. She can do whatever she wants. If she doesn't have friends, it's really sad that she has to test your reaction to see if it's safe to make one. Your neediness is suffocating and dangerous. If you're the type to shutdown when you're displeased, she will seek love and affection elsewhere. You're not being a good boyfriend. You are unhappy and harboring resentment over the past. Will she ever be able to make it up to you? It is also sad that we don't get both sides of your relationship. You both need advice.Get over the past, as hard as it might be. Don't be cruel by making it hard for her to make friends to appease yourinsecurity. Your jealousy is unhealthy for the both of you.Although she cheated on you. She is the one I feel sorry for.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (18 April 2013):
 Look on the bright side: your girlfriend was honest with you and called off the date.
On the downside, she didn't see this as a come-on. When a man asks a woman out for a drink, it isn't to be just friends. This is a getting to know you - do we have anything in common exploration on his side. From the sounds of it, I think your girlfriend was a bit naive -- or was desperate for a friend that she ignored her intuition.
If you girlfriend wants friends, she should look at some community events or social activities and try to make female friends. Some suggestions: join a bowling league together, or go to the gym, train for / run in a local charity athletic, volunteer, etc. There are plenty of activities where you can meet people -- you just need to make the effort and follow your passions.
In short, she can have guy friends, but that is always a very slippery slope -- especially if they are single. I am not saying men and women can't be friends, but if they are in committed relationships they need to be extra careful not to jeopardize their partner's trust. And that is exactly what your girlfriend did, whether intentionally or not. Hopefully you mean as much to her as she does to you -- otherwise you are setting yourself up to be cheated on again.
Eddie
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