A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm thinking of getting a vasectomy behind my wifes back. We were only together four months when she got pregnant with our eldest son. She said she was on the pill, thats fine because these things happen and I love her and was pretty delighted to be a dad. When our son was one she got pregnant again. Her doctor told her she couldnt get pregnant because she was breastfeeding. So now we have a three year old and 18 month old. She's already talking about having another baby which ive agreed to but she keeps talking about more kids down the line...I feel 3 or 4 is totally enough and ive expressed this. She agrees to stop at number 4 but doesnt want me to do anything permanent as she/we might want more in the future. Im nearly 36 right now but shes 25 so I understand she might want more in her future but I dont think I will in my 40's. Our sex life is really healthy and without getting in to details wearing condoms arent an option for us
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condom, sex life, the pill Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2020): I also think it's a bad idea. If she were to find out somehow I imagine this would REALLY damage your marriage.
This is probably a minor risk, but you might also want to google "research links vasectomy with higher dementia risk."
A
female
reader, Amiye  +, writes (14 April 2020):
You need to speak to your wife and tell her how you feel, this gives her the opportunity to understand and make a decision about her future to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2020): It'd probably be the end of your marriage if you did get a vasectomy behind her back - that's just not how people should act in a relationship. You have every right though to want to have one and to not have more children - it is just a difficult conversation you'll need to have with your wife and explain your feelings and reasons. Communication really is key, and take more responsibility in understanding birth control and planning yourself too - because it's only a quick Internet search to find reputable sources to reveal that breastfeeding certainly doesn't act as a way to prevent pregnancy. Please just talk to your wife, it's not her sole decision about the number or children you have together and you need to share your views and reach a compromise together.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2020): Imagine this hypothetical scenario.. you have the operation secretly and everything goes fine for a period and then oneday you come home one and she is elated and has some thing to tell you.. she says, hey you are gonna be a dad again.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 April 2020):
 I can't believe it !!
" Her doctor told her she could not get pregnant while she was breastfeeding " ??
Sorry, that cannot be. Either you misunderstood , or your wife told you a blatant lie. ( .. and you both were, sadly ,incredibly misinformed ). No self-respecting doctor would willingly propalate this old wives'tale, which has been debunked , and denied by what happens in real life , since years and years. Why, even La Leche League ( the organization for breast feeding advocacy ) admits , albeit a bit reluctantly, that you can totally get pregnant during breastfeeding, although some women - by no means all- may have for the first 6 months or more , lactational amhenorrea.
Anyway - what's done is done , and luckily you are very happy with your little family. If you want it to stay little, though, I suggest you get better informed about your reproductive and contracceptive choices, without necessarily delegating everything to your wife who seems a bit casual about it.
Another thing to consider, and that hopefully your wife is willing to consider ?- is, if you are very well off or not.
How in this day and age can a family blithely say , Oh we're gonna have 4, or 6, or 8 kids- without taking into account first their financial position ? Children cost money, as I am sure you know, and the more they grow the more they cost. Let's not even talk about their college education, - or anything similar if you want them to have a fighting chance in their life as young adults... and you will convene, I hope, that there is a huge difference between having 2 kids, say, and having 4 or 6. Don't you know exactly how many children can you afford to raise ? Why is it a decision left to destiny, or to your wife's moods and whims ?
Regardless, I agree that you should absolutely talk to your wife , and not even dream to go behind her back. That's such a betrayal, such a stab in the back- if you went ahead and she were to come to know it- ..I think that would be the end for you. Maybe not the end of your physical life, hopefully ! but surely your end as a husband and lover, and it would be the end of any affection and trust between you.
And even if she never came to know it. - nice, OP . That's the way you envision marriage ? A game where the wiliest, sneakiest wins ? A relationshipo where you keep tricking and manouvering each other ?...Jeez, better be single then.
Tell her . Don't make it so complicated, it's like any other decision which a married couple must make, like buying a house or buying the new family car or choosing were to go in vacation. BOTH need to be on the same page. Both need to compromise and hopefully come up with something that is OK for both. If that is just not possible - alas no car. No house. No vacation. No kid.
This is an important decision, both parents should be on board, in fact should be happy to have a new kid. You are absolutely sure and positive that you do not want more kids ( or more than 3 ) ? Just tell her. End of story. Explain her your reasons of course, but even if you don't convince her- your body, your genes, your choice. Same as it would be
boorish and cruel to keep getting pregnant a woman who does not want to be a mother by deceiving her into pregnancy or by emotionally blackmailing her , it's the same thing for a man, you can't just use him as a sperm donor against his best judgement , taking advantage of his naivety or of his fear to rock the boat. Did you get married to have an equal partner and companion,... or to please your wife by doing her bidding no matter how foolish / undesirable that may be ??
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (10 April 2020):
 There shouldn't be secrets in a marriage. Secrets equal trouble. Sit your wife down and calmly tell her what you have told us on here. You are a team and need to have the same goals in mind. Its one thing to love and want children but its another thing to be able to handle them and afford them. You and your wife need to be in agreement about how many children to have. Talk to your doctor as well and see if there are other options that you haven't tried? Good luck.
I understand where you are coming from for what its worth. My husband wanted more children after our 2. I didn't. I felt 2 was just right and any more than that would put a financial strain on us and my career. He wasn't happy but eventually he agreed to stop at 2. You have to work together. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 April 2020):
 I think you HAVE to talk to her.
Getting a vasectomy is not 100% fool proof, not is it honest to get one without her knowing.
Yes, you CAN get pregnant while on birth control pill. Usually, in combination with other medication that causes the BC to be less effective like antibiotics, or a bout of diarrhea, vomiting etc. And of course... IF you don't use common sense. Breast feeding IS NOT birth control AT ALL.
"The simple answer is that you can get pregnant while nursing. However, many moms experience a time of delayed fertility during breastfeeding. ... It is also important to mention that after six months, there is a higher chance that you might ovulate and possibly become pregnant before your first postpartum period."
Can you all afford 4+ kids?
That is another consideration. It's GREAT to love kids and want kids, but you also need to be able to AFFORD the kids.
When it comes to kids you KIND of need to be on the same page, with how many etc.
Maybe instead TALK to your doctor and ask what other options you have. And you NEED to talk to your wife. Tell her 4 is my limit, I WANT have a vasectomy after #4. It is after all YOUR body and YOUR choice. But I don't think it's a choice you SHOULD make behind her back. That is frankly unfair, and dishonorable. IMHO.
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