A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My second cousin and I were growing up, we always been close. We always did stuff together because we had a lot of things in common. When we were 16 years old, we did have sex with each other. That was the only time until we were 21 years old. On New Year's Eve while we were 21 years old, our parents were out of town. Us two went out and celebrated. After a night of drinking, we took a taxi to her house, she told me I should sleep at her house and she will drive me home in the morning. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex for the second time and we slept in the same bed together. That was 14 years ago. Well, a few months later, she was pregnant and claimed she had a one night stand and she doesn't know who the father was. She ended up putting the baby up for adoption (it was an open adoption so she still gets updates on how her daughter is).My cousin and I still talk but we don't hang out like we used to. One of my mistakes was not asking her for more information. I was young, stupid, selfish and scared. Is it too late to ask my cousin if she thinks or knows if I am the father or not? What questions should I bring it ask and not ask? How should I bring it up?If I am the father, should I ask my cousin and/or the girls parents (her adopted parents) to keep me updated on how she is doing?
View related questions:
cousin, one night stand Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2020): Disagree with the aunts saying not to find out. Are you kidding me?! OF COURSE you deserve to find out. And it is not true that the father would have to consent to adoption, she would NOT have to reveal who the father is. She could have just told the authorities she doesn't know. Believe me, I have a close friend who only just found out he was a dad (confirmed by a genetic test).
Asking her does NOT mean you have to reveal it to all of her family or anything like that, but it DOES mean you could open up contact with your potential daughter.
I think she is likely yours, it is likely your cousin did not want to state that she had had sex with a cousin.
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (9 April 2020):
 14 years is a very long time to let go by. Why all of a sudden now the interest? I honestly don't think its a good idea because its very likely that you are opening Pandora's box. Is that really what you want?
Sure you can ask her but what makes you think she would tell you the truth? Obviously she made a decision and if you were the dad, she didn't want you to know. Its ok to let sleeping dogs lie...and I think that's what you should do in this situation. I really don't see anything good coming out of this IF you are the father.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 April 2020):
 Generally, adoption requires the consent of both parents, provided they meet certain requirements.
Her saying it was a one night's stand doesn't mean the "father" of the baby has no rights. It would be the same if she had kept the child and legally wanted child support, she wouldn't GET any unless the father was tracked down, DNA tests were done (if he had doubts) and it went through the process.
So I find it a bit odd that she so easily could give up the baby for adoption and just claim she didn't know who he was. From a legal standpoint. Because IF the father at any point found out she had had his child, it would put the adoption in LEGAL jeopardy and who would want to do that?
However, some States do NOT require the father's consent if the mother is unwed. Strange rules. In Texas for instance this is the case, however, the mother IS encouraged to find and reach out to the biological father before finishing the adoption process.
My thinking is IF you are the father, she didn't name you or even mention it because she didn't want the whole family to know that you two were knocking boots. BUT I can't see why she wouldn't have told you, IF you were the father.
And lastly, I think you are "a day late and a dollar short" to presume you have any rights. 14!! years later!
If this was asked a year after the births or less, I can see you have a "right to know". 14? Not really. This is a teenage girl with an established family and contact with her birth mother. I think IF this "child" at the age of 18, wants to know and perhaps track down her father, it can be dealt with then.
The kid might also do a DNA test when she is of age(18), if you ALSO do one (now, but not this minute obviously) she can track you down directly. She might be curious about you too.
Many of the 23&me and Ancestry DNA and the likes, will (if you choose to leave your DNA open) contact you with matches and any potential kids.
Can you ASK your cousin if her kid is yours? Yes, I think you can. Can you be certain she will tell you the truth? I don't know.
The more important question is this:
What do you EXPECT out of this? To sudden have a teenage daughter who wants to be your best friend and think you are the coolest?
To have the novelty of being a dad?
What exactly? I think BEFORE you ask, you should define that answer.
And why now?
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (9 April 2020):
 Why would you get involved all these years later? What would be the point? What could you offer the child? The only parents she knows are the ones who have raised her, who have been there for her from the start and continue to be there for her and will probably be there for her till the end of their days.
You were not ready to accept the possibility that the child was yours. I get that. You were " young, stupid, selfish and scared". I get that too. What I don't get is why you are suddenly so interested in a child you didn't want to consider for so many years. Are you lonely and think it would be a good idea to have a child in your life? Have you just split up from someone and now hanker for a family of your own?
What purpose would it serve to find out whether this child is yours? There is every possibility that your cousin was telling the truth and the child has nothing to do with you. There is also every possibility that, even if the child IS yours, your cousin will deny it. If she had wanted you to know, she would have told you all those years ago.
I get that you are curious, and I suspect that, now that you have started considering this, you will not rest until you do ask the question. Before you set foot on that path, try to bear in mind how painful it must have been for your cousin to give up her baby and perhaps try to empathize and understand she may not want to revisit old pain.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2020): They say better late than never. This is not one of those times. Your cousin did what was best for both of you and your families. You interjecting yourself at this late date would only stir up trouble and probably a lot of pain for your cousin.
If you want to know how the baby is, ask your cousin's parents casually from time to time. I'm sure they'll let you know.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2020): I would definitely broach it with her. I would ask her if she thought/thinks that you could be the father.
Obviously a DNA test would prove it, but unless the child asks when she's older about who her father might be, I don't think that should be attempted now and the child's life disrupted.
BUT I would say to your cousin that, IF, in the future when the child becomes of age and maybe has curiosity about who her father is, that you would be willing to take a DNA test. As your cousin is in touch with her, this could be a probable conversation in the future, instigated by the child. Well, adult by then.
I think it's a good way to enable the child to find her real father if she ever has any wish to do so and by letting your cousin know, that when the time is right and she has reached adulthood, that you would be willing to take a test.
But, until then, unless the child expresses an interest earlier, I would leave alone. for now.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2020): If your cousin placed the child up for adoption your interference long after the fact is of very little relevance. You'll stirrup a lot of controversy and upset the child's life, but for what? Maybe it was a one-night stand.
Your cousin made the right decision, if she was not prepared to be a parent. She can still see the child; and from your post, you don't seem to have much more than a curiosity.
Don't disrupt the child's life. She has a family now. Without a paternity test, all you can do is wonder. It's unnecessary to put that child and her adopted parents through all this, if the child is loved and happy. The window of time you had to determine if you are the father is long past. Your cousin has gotten on with her life. Leave it alone!
...............................
|
