A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HelloWe are getting married this July and been together 15mths. We have a house together. Things have always been turbulent in our relationship. When we met he got made redundant and had to get a job on less money miles away so he has to get up very early for work making him tired. He has 2 kids who he hasn't seen in years and hardley ever speaks to. They stopped talking to him years ago after a violent outburst to something their mother did and he punch plaster off the walls in front of them. He has very low moods but (from suffering depression myself in the past) i am always there for him and try my best to understand.He seemed to be doing well these past few months tho and xmas was fantasic. However on thursday i could tell he was going in a low mood again. I went out on Friday night with the girls (a long standing arrangement). I decided to drive and not drink so he wouldn't worry and got back at 12:30am. This morning he has gone off his nut. I dont understand - he's saying he doesn't like how he's sat at home like a mug waiting for me to get in from a night out. I understand if i did this every week but this was my 1st night out with the girls in months and months. He says i'm not there for him anymore but i dont understand how he can say that after all the support and help i've given him. I'm getting sick and tired of his moods and i'm seriously on the verge of calling off the wedding and moving back into my parents house...but deep down i still love him and realise he's an angry depressed man that needs help. Any advice????
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): Ignore all the back ground noises and hear your intuition speaking to you. Is it telling you to call the wedding off? Be 100% honest with yourself & you'll know what to do. Take your heart out of your thoughts & feel what's in your gut. No one can tell you what you should do because only YOU really know how you truly feel about him. Whilst giving you this advice, I'm going to follow. I found your post while looking for advice on what to do in my own situation which sounds very close to your's. When I'm honest with myself I hear my inner voice telling me to not have kids with this man and don't marry him. At least not right now because he needs help. Good luck in doing what ever you set your mind to do.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): Yup, please take heed of all the aunties here. His moodswings say RED FLAG. Good idea to call off the wedding until further notice. Turbulence is no starting point to wedded bliss. At least get couples counselling before you tie the knot so at least you know both know what you're getting yourselves into.
The reason why so many "aunties" say to get out now is because they've been there, done that. They're been in bad relationships and are trying to save you years of grief.
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289  +, writes (10 January 2010):
He needs to commit to getting help, and do so. He needs to be under a Dr's care, and possibly on meds. If he fails to take care of himself (for both of your sake) you need to get out and be prepared to end the relationship. You can not fix a broken person, he has to heal himself. All you can do is enable him, which will make the situation WORSE and you'll end up getting hurt.
He needs help, and you can't give it. All you can do is be available for the healthy version of him, not the sick version. It's not a matter of hatting him, he's ill, but he has to get it together enough take the steps that will allow him to be in a relationship. Right now, he's incapable of being a partner with you and you can NOT be an enabler to that.
While it will not feel like it, you'll be doing both of you a favor to let him to hit bottom and start his recovery.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): abuse? the guy got pissed at her going out? how many women get pissed at their men for going out drinking with the guys?/ it is a common occurence! you should speak to him about it and tell him what you just told us..it has only been once in a few months and it is no big deal! if he doesn't want the same lifestyle as you do then and ONLY then should you part ways..you should NOT part ways b/c the people here are telling you he is abusing you! find out what the differences are and talk to a counselor about it first before you end your relationship.people walk away to easily from things in this world and everyone seems to be "abusing" each other..everyone in this world wants, needs, and expects things..it is our job as a "couple" to figure them out and make it work!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): Firstly you are not responsible for his moods. He needs independent help and it is up to him to get it - though I wouldn't hold your breath. He is clearly lashing out and I would assume it is frustration at his own life. The thing is I married a man precisely like yours and guess what it got no better.... in fact the mood swings got worse and in the end he was emotionally abusive and made out it was me with the mental problems. I would postpone the wedding - if necessary just say you have a lot of other things to make more stable (job situ, etc etc) and with the recession it might be better to wait. If you buy yourself some time now you might just save yourself a wasted life later. Feeling like this is not the basis upon which you should marry.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (9 January 2010):
He may be depressed but guess what? You are not a mental health nurse.
You putting up with his abuse isn't helping anyone, least of all him.
Move out and split up from him. Then he can move closer to his job and be less tired, and get some help for his moods.
You can't stay in a relationship because you feel sorry for a guy. If he wants help then he can go and get it. Since he hasn't and is choosing to just inflict the symptoms on you, that makes it not your problem.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (9 January 2010):
 If he suffers from depression, it isn't going to just go away! The mood swings are common. Is he taking medication? That can help control the outbursts. You're right, he's an angry man, who needs help. You can't help him though...he needs PROFESSIONAL HELP! For 16 years, I tried to help my ex through his depression, without success. He wasn't willing to get the intense therapy he needed! Only you can decide if you are willing to stand by him. My feelings about my own situations: I wish I would've given up before we got married! But that's just me, and of course I know now, what I didn't know then!It takes a whole lot of patients to deal with depression, it's not an easy life! I wish you luck with whatever you decide!~BG~
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 January 2010):
I would suggest that it would be safer to move on now form this guy. If he's angry about you having one night out, that's a sign. But to have had such a huge outburst in front of his kids would suggest he has issues that just can't be resolved. He does need help, but he needs to search it out himself. Don't wait around for this all to go wrong, because it will. After all, how long until instead of hitting walls, he hits you instead.
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A
female
reader, Lorenn. +, writes (9 January 2010):
He sounds like he needs help. i don't think you should call off the wedding. But i do think you need to sit down and talk to him, to tell him that it's hurting you too. Surely he'll understand. Tell him how you feel, and that you're there to support him emotionally when he needs it, and that you're trying your best! i hope things work out! x
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