A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend went on a bachelor party out of town for the weekend with his friends recently. He's already gone on a few of them before during our relationship and has always been good about communicating, even if it's just at the end of the night to say he's back safe. This most recent trip, though, he acted differently. The first night, I spoke with him early in the evening, then never heard from him until the next morning, which is uncharacteristic of him. The second night, he was texting very frequently throughout the night. I didn't want to over-react about Friday, but then I brought it up when he got home that it upset me that I never heard from him. He said sorry, then said his phone was dead at the end of the night. When I asked if something happened, he became a little defensive, then said no. A couple days later, we talked about it some more. On one hand, I really want to believe him and trust him, but something rubbed me the wrong way. Though it's a violation of privacy, I decided to check his text messages for that evening and saw one from a friend of his at the bachelor party sent in the middle of the night on the first evening. It was something to the effect of "dude, why you're banging a 4?" then he responded "shut up" then his friend sent another text talking about how perfume won't mask skanky pussy. I confronted my boyfriend shortly after reading the text, asking him to explain it. He said he didn't know why his friend texted him those things, maybe because he was drunk, and that he didn't sleep with anyone that night. Then he got angry that I still didn't trust him.I love my boyfriend and truly do want to trust him, but something rubs me the wrong way about this situation. The fact that he didn't text me all night was the first sign that something was off, and I really don't understand the context of this text unless something did happen. What should I do?
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female
reader, Red591 +, writes (23 September 2011):
 yeah this is pretty classic. Dump him. Hell he cheated on you with a "4". and his buddies were making fun of him for it. he didn't text cause he was cheating. Its so obvious to an outsider. DUMP HIM NOW. I caught my ex with texts. my ex was a moron and ruined everything for a skank too. I dumped him on the spot. Go find someone that doesn't have shady gross sex with someone he just met at a bachelor party. YUK NO CLASS. get someone better. You will heal better if you are the one to end it, trust me.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2011): "he doesn't want to be in a relationship where trust is an issue"
Which means, I want to be free to be trusted no matter what kind of shit I pull on you.
Trust is always an issue, and behavior has to merit trust.
He's covering and trying to make you feel bad about being suspicious.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2011): I think that you so badly want for him to not have cheated on you that you are clutching at any hopeful signs that he didn't and - more importantly because it is more dangerous - starting to doubt your own instinct and the values that surround it. My feeling is that he is trying to "call your bluff" by saying that he can't be in a relationship without trust. This is typical of people who won't or can't take responsibility for hurtful things that they have done and who won't, even under extreme pressure,own up to their own behaviour. With guys it can get a bit weird in the sense that they start acting "macho", when underneath they can't admit that they did something really stupid.Try this: Imagine that instead of him saying "I can't be in a relationship without trust, so you have to decide" what he is really saying is something like "I screwed another woman and I haven't got the guts to admit it because if I do I will seem immature and heartless, so I am actually going to pretend to be a really strong man full of integrity and with a strong sense of value. Instead of being honest and telling you what I did, I will see if I can get away with it by making you feel bad for not trusting me, and if I can get away with it this time, I will do it again in future because I know that from now on you will always doubt yourself. You will spend the rest of your time with me always having this niggling feeling underneath everything, but you will learn to live with it because the longer it goes on, the less you will recognise what real trust is". This is what I think the guy in question is really saying to you. I think it must be hard, right now, for you to value yourself highly enough to leave him...you are at a real weak point because he has hurt you and made you self-doubt. Please try to be strong and don't let him manipulate you, your sense of self-worth will return soon and, if you do leave him, I feel certain that after the pain goes you will not regret it...given time I am certain that you will know you made the right decision.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (22 September 2011):
 of course your boyfriend is not going to admit what he has done, but unless this friend of his that texted him is living in a complete fantasy world, then that text DOES mean what you think it does. i agree with the other poster who said why would he even respond to it with 'shut up'. if a friend sent me a text like that and i WASN'T banging a '4' or anyone else for that matter, my response would be 'wft are you talking about??' - not 'shut up'
your boyfriend has used the classic line that all cheats use to try to make you drop the subject, he is blaming YOU for not trusting him, he is trying to make YOU feel bad and trying to use your fears of losing him against you when he says ' i can't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust me'
darling i really hope you show him the door after this, let him run with his nasty friends and bang 4's or whatever else. sound like the lot of them have little respect for women anyway
best wishes
x
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (22 September 2011):
 While I'm certainly not a fan of snooping, mostly because texts can be so easily misinterpreted... those texts can't be read any differently.
Sorry... but he cheated, there isn't a doubt in my mind from what you've told us.
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A
male
reader, childof1981 +, writes (22 September 2011):
 My experience with some asshole guys I have known to be cheaters is that he 100% cheated. When men cheat they try emotional manipulation to mask the cheating. He redirected the trust issue back at you so you would have a problem rationally evaluating a situation. Your boyfriend has not satisfied your concerns about the cheating and if thats should be enough for you to end things. You don't need 100% proof that your BF cheated to end things, it's enough if you simply do not fully trust him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2011): Something did happen. He was "banging a 4." "Banging" is slang for 'having sex' and "a 4" means that the girl was assessed to be a '4' on a scale from 1-10 for her looks/physical attractiveness by the friend who sent the text. If he wasn't "banging a 4" he would have texted his friend that he wasn't; instead, he told his friend to "shut up" which implies he either already had, or had planned to be with this other woman anyway.Finally, if one guy tells another guy "no perfume can mask skanky pussy" he's trying to warn his friend that this woman either reeks of sex (from having intercourse with multiple partners without bathing) or that she smells so strongly that she probably has something wrong with her lady parts (like an sexually transmitted infection). Either way, no amount of perfume could cover up the smell of her vagina.If you have had unprotected sexual relations with your boyfriend, you need to have a full battery of tests done to ensure you haven't caught a sexually transmitted disease. Some don't cause symptoms until they've damaged your fertility. Most 'smelly' infections are easily treatable.Finally, if you want to know what happened, you could always talk to his friend/friends in person.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I asked him again what happened, and he said that his friends were drunk and texting him bullshit. Then he explained that he doesn't want to be in a relationship where trust is an issue. Either I should trust him and move on from the situation, or I should considering leaving if I can't. And he's right, in that sense, that I need to make a decision. I don't think he's ever going to tell me, and his friends won't say a word. When speaking to my friends, they all think that he did something with a chick and that he's withholding the truth, and that I should leave him. I'm really torn; otherwise, we get along great. Aunty Monica, I understand your sentiment, but that's just not who I am, so that solution is not my solution. This is very difficult for me...I just want to know the truth, even if it does hurt.
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A
female
reader, KittieS +, writes (22 September 2011):
 Alarm bells are ringing for me here, you saw him reply to the text.. Another poster suggested the "cheat-omter" going off I completely agree.
Don't sleep with him without a condom until your sure (personally I wouldn't/couldn't sleep with him) but you don't want any nasty "side-effects"
I only know what you told me, but sounds incredibly suspicious to me - you need to talk to him, your know from his body language - ask very specific questions then wait for himto answer, go completely silent until he answers - dont give in, keep 100% silent you ask the question and nothing... Don't say "just tell me" "please talk to me" ask the question and wait, wait - if he doesn't respond say nothing just leave.
I wish you luck, id have been out the door by now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2011): I'm going to agree this sounds bad. I'm sorry, but "banging a 4...." uhg.... what else could that mean???
I think he does need to be straight with you, and hopefully he was wearing a condom because who knows what kind of woman he was with. Heaven forbid he bring her problems into your bed. :(
And at this point I would say, "No, I don't trust you at this point, so you need to regain my trust by being honest with me and tell me what happened." If he doesn't then I think that's bad news. :(
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (22 September 2011):
 I can't tell for sure what your boyfriend did, but I am willing to bet there was a little more than rated-R strippers at this party or he was at a bar, was inebriated and got "lucky". From the description of the guy's text message it sounds like he may have hooked up with a woman who in normal sober light he wouldn't have touched (at the worst) or he was flirting with a trampy woman and nothing happened.
I think the bottom line is do you trust your boyfriend? My "cheating detector" is beeping on this post and I don't even know your boyfriend. I don't think you are likely to get a straight answer out of your boyfriend and I certainly can't guess with any definite conclusion as to what really went down, but in the case it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and waddles like a duck... it's probably a duck.
What you do from here is your call, but until you are 100% clear that he didn't cheat, use protection.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Monica  +, writes (22 September 2011):
Okay, Something probably happened and you have loads of reasons to doubt him. Whatever you find out will hurt you and if you allow it your relationship but i would advice you to go all out and have some fun on your own (no texting him, no calling, nothing at all...........)be your own person and let him see how that feels! you can even go with friends he doesnt know so like you he will always wonder what happened that night you didnt come home.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2011): I dun wnt to scare you, but anger is the 1st defense in guys cuz i have seen and personally experienced. but not sure bout this case...maybe he really got angry as he didnt do anything wrong... dun nag him as he'l get more angry but do try to find out more...all the best n i really hope dt he didnt do sumdng wrong...
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A
male
reader, Hugh.J +, writes (22 September 2011):
 Do you really want to be with someone SO stupid that he can't cover his tracks and delete dodgy texts?
Yes, it's almost certain that he has been a naughty boy - his reactions are typical. Also, how can he have exchanged texts with his friends if his phone were dead?
You have him "bang to rights", as we English would say!
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