A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in relationship counselling with my girlfriend. We've been to one session. The counsellor is using the Imago method. My girlfriend has very low self-esteem and I think it's partly because I have problems communicating and I often say the wrong thing when I'm frustrated. My father was verbally abusive to my sisters and me and I've started to do some of the same things he used to. I don't want to be like that.I've agreed to go to counselling because I want to be different, but when the counsellor asks me certain questions, I feel like I should lie so I don't hurt my girlfriend's feelings.For example, I used to be proud of my girlfriend and how cool she was. As we have grown older, she has become more cut off from "cool" things and works in a boring office and doesn't want to go do anything. She used to be suave around people, now she says she feels out of touch and she acts nervous and quiet around new people.When asked what one word to describe my ideal relationship is, the real answer is "proud", but saying that would just hurt her. She already knows she's secluded and is often sad about it. Why should I say I'm not proud of her her if it will only hurt her more?I am proud of her when she achieves her personal goals. She seems so happy then. But then she always gets back into a rut with her job and gets sad again. I often have to hold her hand to get her to achieve things. So, should I be honest even though I don't see the benefit? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): You should be honest and encourage her to do the same. You acknowledge that your poor communication--and the fact that you are becoming verbally abusive--may play a role in her loss of self-esteem. If this is the case, she also deserves an opportunity to let you know how you've failed her. It sounds like there are a lot things going unsaid in your relationship, and now is the time to get them out in the open so you can move forward. Congratulations on seeking help for your relationship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): Hi you have to be honest in counselling thats the whole point of it! The counsellor is there to help you both and cant do that if youre making up things and telling lies. If you want to help your partner and yourself to have a better relationship you have to start being honest.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): what is the use of counselling if you cannot be truthful. how do you expect your relationship to move forward if you hide your true feelings. it is not what is said but the manner in which yo say it. so be tactful, but honest. you do not have to be cruel to get your point across. yes some things would be said that may be upsetting but better have it come out than to fester and build up. if this woman is worth having in your life then you need to be honest. when you discss her shortcomings or issues do it with love and not to destroy her. in the end the manner in which you brring these things out in the open will actually make your realtionship stronger. good luck
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (8 December 2009):
I think you should. Counselling is about being honest, and I think she needs to know you're very worried. But before saying it in front of her, maybe see if you can talk to the counsellor alone and say what has been happening to her. Her esteem has been blown out the water, and you don't know why. I think that's quite an issue. Also, I think you're doing the right thing by having counselling to check your emotions too. you do need to be honest I think, but see if you can talk to the counsellor alone beforehand.
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A
female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (8 December 2009):
 If you are not honest in the counseling session, then its pointless to be going. The reason why she asked you those questions is so you can give that very rational. For every emotion you feel there is a reason.
It hurts your relationship and her more if you cannot open up and be upfront with her and the counselor. The counselor is there to be third, unimpartial party to explain to your wife your answer. She/he is trained to do this and it only works if all parties are giving it their all with no holds bars. The problems need to be identified to be tackled. Hidding them hinders the proccess.
HonningKanin
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