A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’m engaged to a man and we live together. We are planning to get married but I always delay things because I am not 100% sure. I think I love him but we live together and I am noticing habits that I am not sure I can live with. He is already married to his job for starters! He comes home about 9PM most evenings too tired to talk and also he works 6 full days a week! And I am starting to look at other guys. I have no plans to cheat and I never would but being alone all the time is making me notice other people! I tried to talk to him about it and his last comment yesterday was… I have to work so stop crying about it! Its like we’re in a long distance relationship but we live in the same house. I can’t ask him to give up on his job nor can I stand in the way of his future success…. But is this reason enough not to marry someone? Are a lot more people than I realize actually living the same way and maybe I’m just being a big baby about it??? Please be as brutally honest?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): Ok. Being brutally honest. You arent happy with him now. Will getting a marriage certificate change that? I think not. Youve come this far with him and so you feel the next step has to be marriage. But it doesnt, i would flee! I married because it was expected of us and i convinced myself in an apathetic way, that it would work out ok.
It didnt and i spent 20 years in a miserable marriage. Dont waste your life putting up with 2nd best.
A
female
reader, julie123  +, writes (8 December 2009):
I think Sminky is right, you have to ask yourself if you can live like this longterm before you marry this man!
The other question to ask is whether the current job situation is going to continue. For instance, doctors in training have really long hours, but a few years down the line when they've completed their training they have much less antisocial shifts. So is your man's job always going to be this busy, or is it just the stage in his career he's currently at?
Another question you need to ask yourself/him is about children. If you're planning to have kids together, will he be around more then? Or will you have to manage by yourself while he keeps working long hours? Because being stuck at home alone with kids and no help from your partner is even worse than being stuck at home alone...
Also, you need him to realise that this is important to you; his response doesn't sound very sympathetic, although this may partly be because he feels guilty about working suck long hours. You definitely need to talk this through and reach a compromise you're both happy with BEFORE you marry him!
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A
female
reader, Sminky +, writes (8 December 2009):
 There are plenty of people who can live this way and plenty of people who don't. It's up to you to decide which one you are!
My fiance's father works away a lot and has for many years, his wife only sees him on weekends and sometimes not for weeks at a time. She can live with this, she has a big house, foreign holidays and they make the absolute most of the time they have together.
I, however, could not. My fiance and I have discussed this issue and for me it is a deal breaker if he is not here for me. I can also live without many luxuries a big job would bring because I have love and companionship all the time, and we still make the most of our time together.
Only you know what you can live with, but whatever your worries you should be able to discuss them with your fiance without him dismissing you. If you do go ahead with this wedding, it may be an idea to lay down some ground rules before hand about how you wish to be treated and see if he can stick to them. There could still be a compromise here. But stick to your guns! Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 December 2009):
This won't work, My girlfriend was married to a guy who was married to his job, and she tried so hard to make it work. But he wasn't there for her, so she left. Being honest, this guy won't change, and this is how you will have to live. Brave decision needed on your part, I think you would be better moving on.
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