A
male
age
41-50,
*oul83
writes:I am starting to wish I could be single more and more. I am really regretting to marry my wife. I wish this could be turned around. Last night I told her I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. What I mean is to honor my commitment to the marriage and for us to have a happy and healthy future.We have been back in Australia now for just over a year and in 2 weeks we will celebrate our first wedding anniversary... but it has hardly been a year to celebrate.In the past year, I was regularly abused emotionally and she went out to dinner with a male friend. She lied to me about his age and his studies. He is in fact older and graduated uni a couple of years ago. She told me that he is much younger and still at uni. When I met him recently I asked him about his studies and he told me his age and status.I remember a while ago he made a comment on the phone asking "how about your wife? Are you going to do something with her this weekend?"...............................…I see that they have still maintained contact. She has a lot of male classmates that she maintains contact with online. They all attended university together in China. The classmates are all still in China.She crossed the line witih this Chinese bloke here. Also with another bloke that she started chatting to every night at the beginning of our marriage. This was supposed to be the honeymoon period but she did all these stupid things and treated me like crap. You might ask what I did? Well, I withdrew into myself and focused on my work. I didn't interact with her except to tell her that I hated what she was doing. I went and lived with my parents for a few days and tried to get out of the toxic environment as much as possible until she learned that what she was doing was wrong.Then she met this bloke that she went out to dinner with a few times. Not long after that, she bought a ticket to return to her home for 2 months. She played with me by saying she won't buy the ticket when I asked her not to. Then she went ahead and bought it anyway and when I came home from work one day she told me she was leaving in a couple of days... Apparently she has been asking her 'friend' about buying the ticket.She returned to her home and bought her parents a small motor bike (they are very poor) and bought a pet dog that ended up getting sick and dying. She paid for her parents to go to Thailand (their first time on a plane) and even took a trip with her girlfriend and parents (just the four of them) up into the mountains. What a great summer break... For the last week, she went to the city that we lived in and stayed with her friends. Lots of shopping and a wonderful time. Meanwhile I came home to an empty apartment. That was the longest period of time we ever spent away from each other and it was so hard at first for me. It didn't help that she was extremely narcissitic to me and said the most hurtful things. I wanted to talk to her on the computer and she would click me off saying she was bored and didn't want to see me anymore. She left me feeling like the marriage was over and I remained confused about what to do. It severely impacted my job and I nearly lost it!Thankfully I didn't lose the job and I've been given a promotion into management - a stable full time income :-) My plans to go back and study my masters are in place for next year too. So I have a really good future planned for myself. Just need to deal with my wife....After she came back from overseas, things were amazingly good all of a sudden between us. They were picking up for a while. Then she started to chat to her male friend here in Australia. Things started to turn south between us.In the past few weeks they have been souring. She doesn't go out with this bloke anymore because she is respecting my wishes. Instead she works 7 days a week like a lunatic. Gets up at 6am and works for 8 hours in a cold storage factory (4 days per week) and spends 2 days in a real estate company to learn how to be an estate agent.She doesn't contribute to any bills and her parents have placed the demand that she buy them a house with her life savings from China. In her culture, the man is expected to provide the house and the parents help with that (and live with the couple). But this isn't China. This is Australia and I told her well in advance of what to expect if she married me and came to live here.A bit more about her: on Tuesday she turned extremely nasty and told me the marriage was over and she hated me from the bottom of her heart. I told her she didn't mean it and she said I was in denial. Really nasty rage. I sat there on the bed in shock at her cutting me down like that. It is abuse. Call it what you like, but being run down like that is abuse. The next day she was cheery again and trying to stop me from being so upset.Last night she told me she feels different to others in her workplace because she has a lot of anger and dresses so different. I was able to have a bit of a discussion about her personality problem and she admitted to me that in high school many of her friends were confused with her because some days she would treat them nice and yet on other days she would treat them with pure hate.She said that she explained to me in the beginning when we were chatting on skype that she was like this - up and down all the time but I never understood that. I had no experience with dating (I hadn't had a girlfriend) and I was a few years younger.Anyway, about this major issue - I'm really concerned that she has a personality disorder. I spoke with a phone counsellor who explained that I was stuck in an absive relationship and her outbursts are very immature. He guessed that what she was saying was a reault of her internal fears and learned childhood patterns (she has a traumatic childhood in which her mother verbally abused her father - the father physically abused the mother).I want her to attend counselling. Maybe begin on the road to healing.My mother is convinced I am being used for a visa. My father is convinced that I'm not being used but that she has a personality defect and I will have to put up with her crap for the rest of my life.Actually, I won't take either way of life into next year. I want to get counselling for us both. Tackle her way of life and see if we can behave like a normal couple.I already have an alternative plan for next year and I have decided that I will follow through with it if we don't improve our relationship and stop all the drama. This plan involves moving out into my own place and taking everything that belongs to me while she is at work (so she can't destroy my property) and then cancelling her visa. Lie low for 4 weeks until the time is up and she is forced to leave.You might say that is a cowardly thing to do but it is the very last thing I will do if we have to separate (because I know she will blow up in rage if I talk of leaving and uprooting her life here).I have to look after myself too. I have been through enough. I need a plan B :-(Think that counselling can fix this?We are close and mostly kind to each other these days but the past haunts me and her mood swings resembling some sort of disorder have left me concerned about my own sanity as I move forward into the future.I see other normal couples getting on with it and it makes me worry about age catchign up with me and missing the chance to have something a bit more normal! For instance, on of my best friends (an awesome girl) accidentally sent some texts to me (mistook me for her bf who has the same name) and they were really nice: saying things like 'miss you and can't wait to come home to lunch...need some of your lovin" etc.I thought wow! Are there really women out there that speak like that to their partners??Mine ignores my texts and tells me to f off if she is in a bad mood!!Just as I'm finishing up with question, another bloke from her work in China was trying to contact her. This bloke is 46 years old and married with children...Quite frankly I am sick to death of all this bs.At the risk of being racist, I will tell everyone straight up that our Western society is much better mannered than what I have seen with this 'other culture'. We treat each other so much more respect.I am so over all the drama. Counselling or I'm done.My parents have offered to introduce me to some nice traditional Portuguese girls (my father is Portuguese) and I see a lot of cool, chilled out Aussie girls around too! Women who would probably really want to have a kind, caring and generous husband who treats them so well and cares so much about the relationship that he will read books on it
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (20 December 2012):
Hi. The way your wife keeps continually abusing you, it really seems like she is testing you and testing you, to see how much it will take to break you.
Can you see that?
And it also seems that she doesn't want a relationship with you anymore.
Her actions seem to prove that, beyond any doubt.
You can try and make excuses for her erratic and incredibly rude behaviour all you like, but the bottom line here is she doesn't seem to love you anymore.
Do you love her?
And if you do, then why do you love her, when she treats you so apallingly?
Perhaps you are in love with the memory of when things were happier between you.
And if that is the case, well then that must have been a very long time ago.
Or perhaps you are in love with a dream of how you WISH things were between you and her - in a perfect world.
Unfortunately, this is not a perfect world.
Sooner or later you will NEED to make a decision about your future.
You have already put up with this nonsense from your wife for a whole year now, and it's not showing any indication of improving at all.
In fact if anything, it's deteriorating at a rapid pace, and more as each day passes.
Eventually, the emotional turmoil of this whole situation is going to take it's toll on your health, because of the constant stress it puts on you, practically every waking moment.
And constant emotional stress like this, and left unresolved, can quite often lead to some very serious and life threatening health conditions such as:-
(1) Heart disease.
(2) Cancer.
(3) Stroke.
(4) Diabetes.
So these are some very good reasons to address this situation properly, once and for all.
And even if your wife does occasionally apologise to you for her moods, the main point to keep in mind here, is that she just does it all over again.
It's good to apologise - yes - if you truly mean what you say with all of your heart.
With your wife though, she DOES do it all over again almost before she has finished her verbal apology.
Or at least she continues her abusing behaviour within a few hours or the next day.
If she genuinely apologised and then DID NOT ever abuse you again, well then you would know she really meant what she said.
That isn't the case though, is it?
She doesn't make a promise it will never happen again, because she has NO INTENTION of changing how she acts towards you!
Her apologies are a whole bunch of empty words.
And she can see that you want to stay with her, and so that keeps her safe and she believes she can do EXACTLY as she pleases.
And too bad if you don't like it.
She feels no threat to her personal security as far as living arrangements is concerned, because she knows you probably WILL NOT ever leave her.
And at the same time as I say this, you also DO NOT make her accountable for her actions.
You don't tell her you WILL NOT tolerate her abuse, and nor do you tell her if she doesn't change her ways, that you will definitely leave and live elsewhere.
In any case, even if you did say you would leave her, she may not believe you anyway!
It is no shame to walk out on a marriage, that has become toxic and abusive.
In fact, it would be the very wisest thing you could possibly do, under these circumstances.
Now regards your financial situation.
Although you say she doesn't contribute to the costs of running the household, you DO have separate bank accounts don't you?
If you don't, you really need to have your own money completely separate from hers.
And especially as she is very selfish and is now planning an overseas holiday - without you - as you have just said.
When you allow another human being to treat you with a blatant disrespect, it can be equalled to you having no self respect.
Because you are letting it happen and staying there.
You really need to consider what you want from life now.
It certainly doesn't seem like there is any kind of "Happily Ever After" type future for you and her.
It has to be about the furthest stretch of your imagination that it could possibly happen - with her.
The more you tell us here each time you write a further update, the more and more negative it seems to be getting.
I really think it might help you if you re-read all that you have said here in all your responses to people's answers.
And when you do, just pretend for a minute, that you are reading someone else's story with all these messages you have written to us since you first posted your original question.
What would you be thinking if this was someone else telling us this story?
You would surely be thinking to yourself, something along the lines of - "WOW! Why is this guy staying with this mad woman! He must have no self respect whatsoever!"
Just have another read of all you have said here in reponse and the further negative updates also about your wife, and see what you really think now, of everything that has happened.
You might find you have some kind of rude awakening, where you suddenly see things very clearly indeed.
Another thing you can also do, is pay attention to any intuitive thoughts you have during your waking hours, and also to any dreams you have while sleeping.
These inutitive thoughts and any dreams, really do reveal information we might not always see for ourselves, regarding a certain situation in our lives.
Very often, we see it, but we don't WANT to see it, if you follow me.
You know, but you don't want to know, in other words.
Sometimes the TRUTH can be there staring us in the face, and yet we close our eyes and try to deny what is really in front of us.
One day inevitably, it may simply dawn on you, and you won't be able to deny it any longer.
What you need now, is clarity.
At the moment, you can't see the forest for the trees.
There is just so much happening, that you are blinded by it.
It really helps sometimes, to take a step backwards, so you can see the BIG picture.
And how all the small pictures - the day to day events - all fit into the big picture, and how it REALLY looks to you then.
Sometimes, you have to move away from it altogether, for instance going and staying with a friend for a week or two - just to become objective about it.
And when it comes to big decisions about your life, you do need to be completely objective and REAL about how things actually are.
And if you could do that - stay with someone - you might find that it all falls into place, and you decide you really DON'T want to go back there ever again.
However, you won't come to that place, while ever you stay there in that environment, because you are way TOO close to it to get any clarity.
You have to separate yourself from it, entirely.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (20 December 2012):
Hello again. It can sometimes take a very long time to know when it really is the end.
It sounds like you are pretty near to that point now.
We often tell ourselves - "It's not so bad, things could be worse."
But no matter what, eventually if things DO NOT change, there comes a point where you really have to be totally honest with yourself and say - "Enough is enough!"
And then to move on.
It really seems the only reason you are choosing to stay and cop all this emotional abuse, is simply because you don't think you can go anywhere else.
What about moving back with your parents for a while, until you get back on your feet again?
Believe me, many young people do that these days.
It's not at all uncommon, I promise you.
You could pay board each week, and you will NOT be treated with the abuse, as you are now.
The way your wife is treating you, is absolutely INEXCUSABLE!
And by staying with her, you are allowing it to keep on happening!
Surely, you deserve much better that this.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (19 December 2012):
 you can wallow in self pity or you can use the time she is away wisely.
but i think you prefer to go over and over the state of the predicament you are in instead of making yourself completely unavailable to this women. Physically, emotionally, psychologically you need to separate from her, explain nothing to her.
Just let your divorce lawyer do all the talking. Because, sadly, you appear to be unwilling to assertively stand up to your wife's shenanigans.
You are being abused financially. Yet you still go out of your way to try to spoil her.
You say you will get counselling - which you do need but you've gone silent on that.
while she is away move out of where you are now.
Get a small one bedroom place elsewhere just for you.
Anything of her cothing, shoes, toiletries put into storage in her name for a month.send her the keys and the address of the storage place.
Change your name officially in Australia.
Change your cellphone, email and advise your change of name and new address to all. Become uncontactable to her. After all she only wants to abuse you.
Tell your lawyer to fast track the divorce.
After the divorce then You just might then meet a much nicer girl when you try dating.
Stop doing menial petty degrading jobs for her. Tell her to visit a day spa if she needs anything personal plucked, cut or attended to.
Please show some Respect. For yourself.
Stop putting up with living with your abuser.
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (19 December 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's 4am and I can't sleep for the heat. Here it is summer. Last night things escalated. She calls it a fight but actually she was just frustrated it seems. I accidentally cut her while trying to cut her pubic hair.
After that she lost it and grabbed the scissors and tried to find something to destroy. Her favourite thing to do is grab my ties and try to cut them up...I have them stored away in the car now. I then had to rescue about $100 worth o Xmas presents for mum as she attempted to throw the book on the ground and she wanted she wanted to destroy the cards one contained the $50 gift card for mum.
I grabbed them, last year's aftershave present (she wanted to destroy that on me...two years ago she destroyed the one in China).
I also saved the mohair throw over I bought her a few years ago and a small alpaca hair toy that we bought earlier this year.
In her rage, she damaged her slippers, took to the fan by kicking it and stabbing it with the scissors (mind you the fan was on!), then she squatted by the bookcase until she found our framed marriage photo that I put together last week for our anniversary. That's the third frame and photo that she has destroyed in rage. She didn't seem to care. Just tore up the photo like it was nothing.
Then she tried to sleep head to toe. I refused her game. In the end, she started asking me to massage her hand so she could go to sleep. She started physically trying to roll me to her arms. In the process, she aggravated my sore shoulder (it had been playing up a bit from all the heavy lifting in my new job).
I refused.
I've spoken with my flat mate who is also Chinese and she said that Chinese thinking is nothing like my wife's. She kept asking my why she didn't want to work with me to combine the finances and support each other. Right now she is just stockpiling the cash. She called my wife lazy because she calls me to fetch things for her all the time. She couldn't believe that she was telling me to my face all the time that I'm no good, that she wants a better man, wants a richer husband etc.
The room mate pretty much told me that I'm dealing with a woman with mental issues and that if she was living with a man who was getting violent and destroying the property in the home, she would definitely leave without thinking twice.
I'm a bit stuck. Because Iike this house but need somewhere tp rent near my work. I hate share accommodation and can't stand sharehouses (yet that's all I can afford).
I really want to leave right now. She is just too much for me to handle. I thought I could put up with her bs and her mental issues but I realise more and more that I need to grow and find a woman that has a good job and is balanced.
Tell you what, after I took the belongings to the car, I sat on the stairs outside. Our neighbour (a young Indian woman) came past and quietly said 'hey' when I saw her. Right at that moment, she seemed normal and not at all like the hostile weirdo waiting for me upstairs.
I pray to god to forgive me for wanting to sign up to dating sites, get on with life and move out. I feel like maybe I have a few problems but the best way for me to grow and learn is to experience dating and different relationships so I can understand where I push people's buttons too much. Also, marriage is something I should not have looked at without first having my own place to rent or live. Really, these days it takes two people working as a couple to save for a house. I am nearly 30 and in some ways I am not running put of time, in other ways I am.
I really don't want to stay married or in a relationship with my wife at the moment... especially the way she treats me and then decides that she wants to go off alone with the family savings (which she seems to selfishly call her own, defeating the point of marriage and making it obvious I'm being used).
...............................
A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (19 December 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah more problems today. She announces that she needs a holiday. Told me that she will use her savings from her hard working to return to visit her parents alone for Chinese new year and take a nice trip around Europe with her friends...
When I protested she sarcastically said to me: can you afford it? No you can't. I don't want a boy that gets jealous of me. I want a man that can afford a house and afford for us both to go...
So once again she is going to head off overseas with her friends and ignore me. Just leave me behind for a couple of months on my own while she has a good time. I'll come back to an empty apartment everyday while I work. I think the option of being single would suit me better because I wouldn't have the extra expense of two mouths to feed while she saves money for her leisure.
Yes that's right, she contributes very little financially and then thinks about how to spend her money on enjoying herself. Not thinking about me at all!
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 December 2012):
What magic answer are you looking for?That you married the right woman? No you did not.That your wife will change if you can just discover the right moves? No she will not.That deep down your wife loves you? No, all her actions indicate that she does not love you.That your wife wants to spend the rest of her life with you? No she wants a richer husband.That if you were richer then that would solve everything? No it would not help as your wife is an unhappy troubled woman who will find fault with any partner.What are you trying to prove by staying with a woman who only wants a visa? She does not love you. She wants to bleed you of any money you have. She has no respect for you. The two of you are chalk and cheese. A happy marriage is not like this. It is obvious that she wants to be rid of you once she has obtained her immediate needs (Visa and Money) then she will find her next victim to USE. For Goodness sake document all her negativity and her unsatisfied reactions to the divorce lawyer so you are able to demonstrate how little she has invested emotionally into this relationship and how much of her focus is on Money.ASAP let the Immigration department know that you think she only wanted to marry you to get a visa. Do it now. You will not be the last gullible man she will tries to fleece.One house in the name of HER parents will not be enough. How much is she putting in to pay for this? How much are her parents putting in to pay for this? I feel that you will be the one paying out the most for this purchase. Who will value the house in China? You are being set-up on this proposed deal. Next she will want an investment property solely in HER name.But paying for the mortgage will be YOUR responsibility and the debt will be in your name. You will be left in debt.You are just a stepping stone to her - to help her leap frog to the next (richer) husband.She will never be happy with anyone. Always dis-satisfied. Always chasing more money. Never having any empathy for others. Always trying to gouge more money out of the man. That's not love.What is that Chinese proverb on finding the right partner? Something about the windows of the building needing to line up with the windows of the building on the other side of the street. Meaning that partners need to be aligned on so many aspects to make a good marriage. So both worth about the same financially. Both of the same social standing. Both having very similar values and attitudes and ambitions. Your parents can no doubt recall this very old Chinese proverb.When are you ready to move on? And get some counselling for just you? And actually LISTEN to the counsellor.So that can develop the skills to better recognize a girl who adores and loves you?Versus a girl like your wife who does not adore nor love you and never will.You owe this cruel, conniving, unhappy, unsatisfied manipulative gold-digger nothing.Emotionally your wife has left you. Assuming she was ever emotionally receptive towards you. I suspect she has been acting a role to make you think she cared. But the charade is wearing thin now, even with her. She cannot keep up the pretence much longer. Hence she is unsatisfied all the time.Be very very kind to you..Your parents know you well and I think they are reading this situation correctly. Show them some respect. Listen to them. Draw on their wisdom. Learn from them and move on to a happier future without you current wife. Stop wasting your time with this mean and manipulative woman. As I have said before your wife is TOXIC .
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (16 December 2012):
Hi. Yes, I agree that having that chat with your wife and asking what her core values on life are, is the most URGENTLY needed thing to happen right now.
In fact, nothing at this moment would come anywhere near to that, in importance.
From what you have said in your last messages, this is so badly needed, as the reality is, that the future of your marriage depends on it.
Without having this important discussion with your wife, things are going to get steadily worse - day by day.
And it is clear, that that is what is happening now.
Yes, I agree, don't tell your parents anything else about what is happening - even if it is just to vent your anger - it's only adding another stress and burden on them, when it's just not necessary at all.
The problem is only between you and your wife, and no-one else.
And as far as the expectation that your wife has to buy her parents back in China a house, well that is simply placing a very unrealistic burden on her, don't you think?
In fact, it's probably half of all the problems you already are having between you now.
And perhaps, it's at the very core of ALL the problems you are both having now.
And I truly hope, that your wife DOES NOT expect you to contribute towards that house for her parents.
It really does seem that there is way too much emphasis placed on how much money comes into your household.
It almost seems like - to her at least - that it's the ONLY thing that is important to her.
Do you see that?
It's like money is the MOST important thing in life, to her.
Perhaps you ought to mention this to her during your discussion, and ask her - "How important is money to you?"
And then ask her - "Is money more important to you than love?"
And it would be very interesting to see what her answer is.
It also seems when she says others make fun of you, it could be that she is just pressing your buttons.
I guess she knows what things get to you and upset you, and when she gets all tied up in her own problems of not having enough money, that she then gets angry and starts lashing out at you.
Not so much that she is directly blaming you, so much as a general frustration of being in a situation which is out of her control.
So in other words, it's not your problem - it's hers.
When we are worrying about something we cannot change, it can get to us in such a way, that we often take out our frustrations on whoever else is near at the time.
Not meaning to blame them, more a sense of helplessness and being out of control of things, and somewhat unhappy as a result.
It seems that it could be this way with her.
In any case, MONEY seems to be at the very core of everything that she gets upset about.
She doesn't seem to get upset about anything else really, does she?
I can't remember whether I have already said this to you previously, but whenever one part of our lives is NOT going the way we would like it to, well then it has a "Flow On" effect - negatively - into every other area of our lives in some way.
Because what happens, is it goes on stewing away in another part of our mind, and it causes us to be uptight and less patient, and unable to find peace and so we can't seem to relax because it is something that is unresolved.
And while something important goes on for a while, without really being addressed properly, it negatively affects us in everything we do, in some way - without us even being aware of it.
It definitely changes our moods, and it will keep on affecting us by making us miserable, UNTIL we finally do something to fix it once and for all.
And if the problem is important enough and BIG enough, it will not stop causing problems, until it has been talked about in great detail - with both parties equally, giving some positive input - and so then the problem can be resolved, and life can continue on happily.
Any problem that goes on for months and months, and never gets talked about properly, is clearly important enough to the one who considers it to be a problem, and will continue to cause havoc in the relationship UNTIL it comes right out into the open.
And it also seems that your wife carries a lot of resentment as a result of what bothers her.
And she carries this resentment around with her, instead of talking about it in detail.
And then all it does is TOXIFY the relationship, and can completely destroy the relationship, if nothing is done about it.
So for this reason you need to MAKE time to have this very important discussion with your wife.
Please, do not DELAY it one single day longer.
The reality is, your marriage DEPENDS on it!
Even when you do have enough money to put a deposit on a house next year, that will only partly help, because you will have the house to yourselves.
This problem she has though, is not entirely about where you live and that you share.
The living arrangement, is second only, to the MONEY issues that she has about life generally.
Perhaps if she DIDN'T have the plan to buy her parents a house - because they said she should - there would be much less pressure on her, regards the money issues she has.
It seems like all her focus is on buying her parents the house, and NOT VERY MUCH focus on her marriage to you, and your life together.
Her priorities are out of alignment.
You - her husband - should come first, and her parents, second.
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (15 December 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDorothy,
Sorry I forgot to add that we live in a share house accommodation. It's not a bad flat and pretty central to everything. We live with two students - a young guy studying at music school (he just left today for two months to go back to China) and a girl who also studies. Both are Chinese and the area we live in is full of Chinese restaurants and shops - perfect for my wife.
My parents live down south about 1.5 hours drive away.
My work is very close to where I live. Only takes about 10-15 mins to drive there :)
Speaking of which, I have to go now before it gets too late!
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (15 December 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDorothy,
Your answers are so much better than seeing a counsellor! Every single one of the seven values match my core values.
About the virus, it has pretty much gone now. My work environment is a bit cold so that was adding to how long it took for me to get over it.
My shoulder is better from Friday too.
I successfully booked the seafood restaurant. I thought we would have a good night. Instead the seafood was ordinary and after the first half an hour or so, we were both left staring at each other and she was bored out of her mind. She did exactly the same thing as last time we went out: just sat and stared out at the view.
I hardly talked because I didn't have a lot to say! I didn't joke etc. We were like a very unhappy couple going on an awkward date. Not like a married couple celebrating their first anniversary. She acted so bored through the whole evening. At one point her friend "Kimmy" (the guy she went out with at the beginning of the year) came past and she got up from the table and called out to him to chat for a minute before returning.
By the end of the meal she was asking me to take her home.
Does that sound like a married woman to you?? I felt like I was dating a stranger.
It got worse, I tried to find some decent clubs but the ones nearby weren't that crash hot and were crowded. We gave up and went home.
At home, she turned cold to me. Grabbed a shower and completely ignored me. She discovered the clothes weren't hung out. She went to bed and told me to give her lots of space and leave her alone. When pushed, she blew up about how I never make her laugh, I never keep the room clean, I always leave my shoes in the room, I always leave my dirty socks in the shoe cupboard, I never clean out the car. The biggest problem for her though was the feeling of having no money. She hates feeling poor, therefore it is a struggle for her to be with me apparently.
I was so hurt and disappointed with her performance that I decided she really must not want to be with me anymore. That she has made it clear as ever.
An added complication: My parents!
I rung mum upset about what happened. That upset her. Dad called me shortly after that saying that I had made my mother cry when it is Christmas and that he wants to punch me in the face when he sees me.
He yelled at me saying I am the problem. That my wife has made it painfully clear that she doesn't really love me and that I am the one making a big deal out of the situation and trying to get blood out of a stone. That she will never love me and that I won't see her for dust when the visa comes through and I'm a fool for trying to stick around when everyone else can see it for what it is. He called me the sick one for wanting to stay and wanting to try and force the issue of love.
Nobody is happy.
Her family is not happy because they don't have the house that they are demanding from their daughter.
We are not happy because of our unresolved issues and fighting. She has come to accept this as the norm and she tried to make it up to me sincerely last night. She once again tried to apologise for her temper and kept saying it wasn't my fault and that it is her problem. She still chucked a childish temper tantrum when I didn't reciprocate the multitude of kissing she was giving to me. Like a child, she rolled over and said 'fine then you don't love me anymore!'........How much longer do I have to put up with all this f**** nonsense??
My parents: hate me because I have complained. They hate my wife because of her poor treatment of me and how she has looked at them with resentment in the past. They think I am being taken for a ride, I have mental issues, she has mental issues (dad thinks she doesn't and knows exactly what she is doing) and that our situation is so far removed from reality that it doesn't make sense and we should both be locked away lol.
In all seriousness though, the parents need to be left out of it for sure.
I can't understand why she would act so immature about going out with me. Is it really like splitting hairs when we go on a date? I look to my cousin who married a Chinese man and they celebrated their wedding anniversary just after we celebrated ours. They looked so happy and she left a lot of nice messages to him on Facebook. He was dressed up and so happy. They went to a fancy Japanese restaurant.
So if they can be so happy, what the hell are we doing??
My life is being dragged down by the constant criticism and being told that I am so imperfect, so many problems and that there are so many men out there better than me!!
Why the hell did she marry me because one of the core things for her seems to be changing me.
I will sit her down and get her to make a list of the things she values the most. Then compare to mine.
Thanks Dorothy!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (13 December 2012):
Hi. One thing is for sure.
Having any stress in your life at all, will certainly interfere with the healing process of your body, in getting rid of the flu.
Viruses always take longer to go away, if you are NOT completely relaxed and at peace with the world.
It's really important to keep in mind that making lots and lots of money, will not make for a happy relationship.
Money will NEVER buy happiness, and nor is it a substitute for happiness either.
The relationship should ALWAYS come first, and everything else after that.
There is no other way around that simple truth.
It seems as though your wife has a misguided view of what true happiness really is.
When two people really love each other and accept each other for who they are, well then everything else is very easy to sort out.
I realize that your wife is NOT a native citizen of Australia, and so because of this possibly, she has different priorities about life - because of her background - than what your priorities would naturally be.
Perhaps when she was living in China, her family found life to be a constant struggle, just to make ends meet.
This really seems to be at the very core of all the problems you are both having in your relationship.
It seems that her philosophy on life is that a person is nobody unless they have so many thousands of dollars in the bank.
So with this in mind, it would be really valuable for both of you to sit down together when you both have some time, and ask each other this question.
"What is the most important thing to you in life?"
Before you had this conversation with her you could already have made out your own personal list of your top priorities in your life, in the order of importance.
For instance:-
(1) Someone who loves me completely for who I am right now, and accepts me TOTALLY - without an expectation that I should change.
(2) Someone who really LISTENS to what I have to say, and has a good understanding of where I am coming from.
(3) Someone who loves and respects me, as much as I love and respect them.
(4) Someone who is genuinely interested in me and in my life.
(5) Someone who WILL NOT judge me.
(6) Someone who is genuinely happy to spend time with me and enjoy my company.
(7) Someone who DOES NOT place unrealistic expectations on what I should or should not do.
It really does seem that perhaps up until now, you haven't talked about this at all.
And if this is the case, well then, a lot of assumptions by both of you, are being made.
It definitely seems that you both look at the world in two totally different ways.
So because of this, it needs some clarity - and the sooner, the better.
And even though you both live very busy lives, it's going to come down to MAKING time to have this very important discussion.
I honestly believe, that your whole future depends on this.
The longer you leave it to talk about it in great detail, the worse things are going to become, I promise you.
And inevitably, the more UNHAPPY you will both become, as a direct consequence of this.
If I were you, I would NOT delay doing this for one single day longer.
Especially, if you really want to try and work things out properly, and stay together.
What you said about your plans for your first wedding anniversary, sounds pretty good to me.
Have you told your wife of your plans yet?
If not, it might be a wise idea to tell her, so she can rearrange any plans she had for that day.
As it is getting very close to Christmas now, you will definitely have to book the seafood restaurant, otherwise, you might miss out - and that would be a very big disappointment for you, for sure.
I honestly believe, that your wife has issues in her life, and is more concerned with what other people think, than what she thinks herself.
I say this, because of her talking about not having a nice car, and assuming others would treat you both badly, because of this.
The REAL truth is, no-one else really could care less about things like that.
It's unimportant!
I think it's fairly safe to say, that the reality is, it is HER and HER ALONE, who thinks that way. No-one else.
When you say you are "sharing" where you live, who is it that you share with?
Are you living with your parents?
Many people now do this, since the 2008 global financial crisis, because they don't have any other choice.
There is so much concern for a loss of jobs these days, and so people just don't want to take a chance on starting a mortgage. It's just TOO risky!
What your wife needs to do, is to be THANKFUL that she has a roof over her head at all!
Things could always be SO MUCH worse.
Like living out of your car!
And there are people out there who are FORCED to do this, while things are really tough.
Please, have this talk with her as soon as you possibly can, it's just SO important for the future of your marriage, it really is.
I think you already realize this but, don't you think?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (12 December 2012):
hi Soul,
You seem to be going around in circles repeating some things you mentioned earlier.
And you seem to be trying way too hard to impress your wife. What is she doing to impress you? Fair is fair.
Do you think that maybe you are trying too hard to impress your wife, in the circumstances?
What is your wife doing to lighten the load, and what is she doing to help you get better? Your illness seems to be dragging on for a long time.
Your good health is very important.
Regards
Abella
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (12 December 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Dorothy. It might sound odd, but part of the anger from my wife was about our share house conditions and my lack of full time work. I have always been the one that values time together and think from the same point of view as you: too much time apart strains the relationship. Instead she welcomes my hard working and our time apart.Last night was good. We do make time for normal couples things like massages etc before sleeping.I'm trying to work around our schedules which are seriously ships passing in the night at the moment. Tomorrow is our 1 year anniversary and I think we both need to reflect on the past year and our future.I know we should make more time to go out like couples. The past few times were disasters and I got abused by her though :( Firstly because she felt our car is too old so people like to abuse us, secondly, because I am limited in my fighting capacity due to rods in my back (so I generally try to avoid situations or back down if my physical harm is at risk). Then at the restaurant, I was told that it is so hard for her to be with me because we are financially struggling at the moment (well actually I am because she sages 99% of her salary and I'm left paying rent, mobile phones, petrol, health insurance). Hopefully my new full time job will give me the chance to save. She has 17k in her hand already. I have about 2.5k... so we are slowly getting somewhere.Anyway, I thought a fitting way to celebrate the anniversary would be to celebrate it at the eleventh hour after my work tomorrow night. The top layer of our cake, candles, nice music, a bottle of champagne and custom designed bouquet of fresh flowers. Then Friday night go out for a nice 3 course seafood dinner on the harbour.I am trying to make the most of it. On Saturday I have the dreaded Christmas shopping to knock over and I want to get a move on and get a tree and some decorations. Anything to make it feel festive before Christmas arrives!!Sunday I'm meeting with a mortgage broker to discuss a financial plan that I can put into place for next year to save up for a house of our own.I have already switched banks to save on fees and I'm trying to find more ways to manage the finances.Next is getting better health insurance and seriously investigating the masters course I want to study at uni next year.I just need to get over the bloody illness in the meantime!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (12 December 2012):
Hi. She may be treating you better, after you have had some time apart during the day - while you are both at work.
And then, how long does this last for?
A couple of hours? Or the whole night?
Perhaps, she would like it if you both went out together more often.
Like for instance, seeing a show together.
Or, going out for dinner together, to a lovely restaurant that has fantastic food.
One thing you probably need to seriously think about here, is what are the things that brought you both together in the first place?
How did you first meet?
What are the things about her - now or before - that you liked most about her?
Why I am asking you this, is that there has to have been some good qualities that she had when you first started dating her, and that were good enough and meaningful enough to you, to make you want to make a commitment to her for life, in the first place.
Can you sit down and make a list of all those qualities?
Because, most people don't really change who they are, so much.
We remain the same person we were when we first met, even though a new relationship will always go through some evolving, with time.
And all marriages change over the years, as our lives change.
There are so many factors that influence these changes, such as a mortgage, and the financial burden that places on a relationship.
And also, things like funds being tight, will always place pressure on a relationship.
And then over time, if there are any children, well there is a big financial stress on any relationship, for sure.
And besides these common events, there are situations like one or both people working long hours on the job, which then leaves not enough time at home with your life partner.
And that alone, will take a HUGE toll on a relationship, most definitely.
And you have stated here, that the job you are now doing, will take up 50 hours a week of your time, and that's a LOT.
And so inevitably, a relationship can really suffer as a result of this.
It can become like 2 ships passing in the night.
And when that happens, it can get very lonely indeed.
And I think you mentioned earlier, that your wife has a job during the day, and then studies for real estate during the evenings - did I get that right?
And so if I am remembering this correctly, well then it would seem that both of you are exhausted at the end of your working days.
And so with very little energy, it doesn't make it easy to make a special effort - by either of you - to make each other feel special, or to share some quality time, does it?
Because, when one feels tired a lot of or most of the time, it makes a person short tempered, and have a lot less patience, than if they were really relaxed and at peace, and wide awake!
When you feel exhausted at the end of your day, the only thing you probably want to do, is chill out in front of the tv, and then to collapse into bed and sleep.
And it's also an effort just to talk to each other, and so it can result in arguments, because you don't have the energy in the first place!
So it's entirely possible that there just isn't enough good quality time for you both to be together.
Yes, you might sit together and watch tv, but beyond that there may be nothing else.
So perhaps, it might be a wise idea to sit down together, and talk about how you both could somehow shorten your work days, so you have more energy to dedicate to the quality of your time together.
At least some sort of compromise, anyway.
Money isn't everything, and it certainly CANNOT buy happiness, that's for sure.
Very often in the effort to make a lot of money, the very thing you sacrifice is the free time to enjoy the fruits of your efforts.
You are then just TOO TIRED to enjoy it!
It's like a cat chasing it's tail. Going nowhere.
Hope you feel better soon.
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (10 December 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionExactly. She offers affection and warmth of an evening at the moment. Seems the time apart working is doing us good.
Don't worry, some memories aren't forgotten.
I'll write back properly after I get some rest. I'm trying to look after myself while I'm still sick with this bloody flu virus. I was worried about meningococcal because of the aches but I don't have a rash and a trip to the doctor confirmed what I already knew...I've just started my new management job and its ok! 50hrs a week involving heavy lifting of boxes of beer, unloading pallets and presenting the shop. But next week is the busiest week of the year and we will make about 3-4 times our usual weekly trade. 6-8 pallets a day. So I'm trying to get better before then!!!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (9 December 2012):
Hi. After hearing this last piece of news about what's been happening, it does seem time now, to seriously consider, if you really want to tolerate this nonsense.
And if you do, for how long do you REALLY want to be treated this way?
Surely, you do deserve MUCH better than this.
And the bit about her ex long ago, privately wishing you "good luck" - well that says it all, don't you think?
And at the very least, it certainly confirms that it's NOT the first time she has treated her life partner in this truly SHABBY way.
It is blatantly obvious, that she treated him in precisely the very same way, when she was with him.
So realistically, it is just history repeating itself - all over again.
How long do you really want to go on putting up with this?
Don't you believe you can find someone better?
And your wife has put "conditions" on her loving you.
And those conditions seem to be, in so many words - "Earn top money, or put up with this shit!"
She treats you with absolute disrepect and almost like she HATES you!
This is NOT the type of behaviour you would expect to have from someone who truly and sincerely loved you!
So her attitude towards you and it seems all men, is - "Like it or lump it!"
And also - "Too bad if you don't like it."
In so many words, this is her sentiments - if you read between the lines.
Her actions say it all anyway, without ANY words at all!
It almost seems as though she is DELIBERATELY trying to get you to make a decision to leave.
Because her actions and words, are all seemingly trying to push you over the edge - to the point of no return.
Do you see that?
She is doing everything she can to piss you off - but why? Who knows?
It's like she doesn't really WANT a relationship anymore.
Because she is not doing anything at all to endear you to her, is she?
She is doing the exact OPPOSITE!
Have you given that any thought at all?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (9 December 2012):
For Goodness sake you are living with a dangerous deranged cruel woman. Thousands of men enduring Domestic Abuse at the hands of a cruel woman DO walk out.
Don't hint you are walking out. Instead consult a Divorce lawyer
Don't threaten to walk out. Instead consult a Divorce lawyer.
Tell her she will never find a man who is as good as you are (trust me 99% of men would have walked out months ago)
Don't warn her you will walk out. Instead consult a Divorce lawyer. And get some counselling about the Domestic abuse you suffer.
She is the sick cruel one. She is the insecure exploitive user who is bad news.
Don't give her any advance warning you are leaving.
She does not even deserve a fowarding address from you.
Consult a Divorce lawyer for Goodness sake so that you can actually get a life and start living.
How many people need to tell you to stop being the doormat that this Cruel, Exploitive, Abusive woman wipes her feet on?
In your case only a Divorce and you leaving her as soon a you have consulted a Divorce lawyer will address this situation.
Your wife is an abusive Gold Digger.
She loves money.
She does NOT love you, and she never will.
Your wife is manipulative, cruel, abusive and TOXIC. Especially to you,
You are still young enough to get some counselling and find a good woman and build a new/life with a far better woman than this nasty woman you suffer now.
When will you start taking the good advice of the many sincere Aunts and Uncles on this site? Instead of continuing to wallow in suffering this cruel woman?
Show some self respect and consult a Divorce lawyer in the next seven days?
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (9 December 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou aunts. I haven't been back for a few days due to illness. I had a bad flu that left me unable to eat and aching/dizzy. I have my new full time job on Monday:)
Yesterday, despite my illness I had to clean up and cook both lunch and dinner for her. Friday night she used the scissors to cut the roses I bought and threatened to cut up a couple of my ties before throwing them out the window of our third floor apartment. All that over the fact I didn't want to get up and make her lunch.
This morning, everything was ok. Then she found some reason to get angry at me (because I took our room mates eggs without asking) and she called me stupid, uneducated and that soon I would see what it is like to wake up alone.
Then I didn't prepare lunch (I was getting through the dizzy spells as I pegged out clothes), so she got dressed up and walked out and when I asked what she was doing she turned to me and said "I'm going to eat, can I live?"... I.locked myself out of the room and she spent that half an hour refusing to answer my phone...Just got dressed and took off ignoring my phone calls.
Let's not forget the bs that happened on Saturday night when she repeatedly tried to sleep head to toe with me
because she didn't like the fact that I mentioned two Asian men with their beautiful girlfriends made fun of me as I walked down the street to the shops late at night. I was dressed in my work uniform and felt like crap from the flu. I had just endured a hellish 9hr shift at work because they had sent my pay through in advance and had no one to cover. So I am not the fighting type because of the rods in my back. I have to be careful otherwise I would have fought back against the guy. I just let it go. Well, that made my wife upset because she felt I was poor and looked down upon so much. This gave her a reason to tell me her heart is further and further away from me. Then she moved around a couple of times in bed with me telling her I'm not settling for that bs.
Thinks she can just walk out whenever she likes without saying anything. I have the iPhone tracking thing so I knew she wasn't cheating on me.
Still I was amazed that she could treat me that bad.
Tonight takes the cake. She video chatted to her ex and used the iPhone headphones so I couldn't hear what he was saying. He likes to talk himself up but he is so old that the last thing he would want is someone like my wife back in his life. He privately wished me luck long ago....
Then I was told that if I earned good money, she would stay home and cook etc. Then she would bring me the food and act like a good wife. Then she would fix her medical problem so we could resume the sex that died off nearly a year ago....
Yes that's right, I'm 29 and living in a sexless relationship.
What a joke.
She only cares about earning money. She is lying next to me in bed listening to het real estate company recordings. A Chinese company. She wants to try and make it big.
I will grant her that she works hard. So hard.
Now things are back to normal again... staying next to me and learning English on her phone and asking me questions.
But I'm over it right now.
Right now we are behaving like a normal couple?
But she failed me so many times with her anger.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (7 December 2012):
It seems like everything you need to know about what to do you already know.
You shouldnt be with her, you know you shouldnt be with her, yet you still are.
Move on chap. You'll be all the happier.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (5 December 2012):
Hello again. First of all, money is definitely NOT the be all and end all of everything in life, that's for sure.
And certainly, money DOES NOT buy happiness.
Yes, it can give us more options perhaps, but how much money does one really need?
As long as you can put petrol in the car, pay the rent, pay your bills, put food on the table, and then save a little for a rainy day - really, what more do you really need?
Some of the most wealthy people, are among the most desperately unhappy, despite all their wealth.
Because, no matter how many worldly possessions they seem to have, and no matter how many millions or billions they have in the bank, there is still a distinct feeling that it's not enough.
Not meaning specifically, that there is not enough money or worldly possessions so much as, just something "missing" from their lives.
And I guess the "missing" part, is a lack of true meaning and the things that really DO bring happiness to a human being.
It's possible that some of the short temperedness that your wife has, could also be due to being tired a lot of the time.
Or even if it's only partly due to being tired - because of the working full time, and then studying to be an real estate agent, it could also be that because her life is so full, that maybe she doesn't have a lot of free time and when she does have free time, that all she does is maybe just sit in front of the television to chill out and relax.
She could be feeling that she would like to be doing more with her free time - like a hobby, for instance - to balance things out between work and play.
She might be seriously feeling a little "out of balance", and that is something that definitely, would make her anxious about her future, and with an insidious feeling of life passing her by, as well.
And those type of feelings, can really make you feel like you have lost your way.
So keeping that in mind, it's possible that it's not just about wanting more money, and buying investment properties to give you both more financial security, that may be only a small part of it.
If a person's life is out of balance, well then it seems to have a flow on effect over all other areas of one's life at the same time, and it can make a person very, very unhappy indeed.
So what I am really saying here, is that it's most likely about a few things that are a concern to her, not just about growing wealth.
When you do sit down and talk about stuff with her, be mindful of your voice so she CAN hear you clearly, and so there will be less cause for any misunderstandings by her.
So make sure you speak a little louder, because you DO want her to hear you clearly, don't you?
The reason you speak quietly, could be that you are thinking out aloud, and so you are half talking to yourself and not necessarily speaking specifically to your wife at the time.
However, she doesn't get that you are only thinking out aloud to yourself, and so she gets frustrated because she has to ask you to repeat yourself, probably on quite a few occasions.
I can image how that could frustrate someone, because then you have to say the same thing over again, and she has to try and hear it clearly enough the second time, so she can understand what you are getting at.
So when you think about it, there's a bit of lost time in repeating the same thing over and over again, isn't it?
It's then frustrating for both you and her!
And possibly even, you both give up and say - "Oh what's the use!" - and then give up on it.
So you can probably see what I am driving at here, I'm sure.
Maybe you are a person who thinks a lot to himself, but doesn't do that thinking only in your mind, it usually becomes vocal, and so you appear to be mumbling to yourself.
A then your wife assumes you are talking to her, and can't hear you properly, because you are mumbling to yourself, and so she gets frustrated and angry, and so more arguments!
It's a cycle, for sure.
So when you want to talk to your wife about anything at all from now on, just make sure you DO speak louder, and have a heart to heart discussion with her.
And when she no longer has to ask you to say the same thing over again, you will probably find that conversations between you go a whole lot more smoothly in future.
Give it a go.
And remember to always ask her if you're not sure about something she said - "When you said ......., what did you mean? I don't quite understand."
And when you ask this question, she will clarify herself to you, and the fog will lift and it will avoid any arguments.
Keeping in mind, that most arguments only occur, because one person DOES NOT understand what the other person meant.
So ALWAYS ask a question, when you are not sure.
And also, be open and honest with everything you say, as that also helps things.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 December 2012):
Your wife is TOXIC to your good health in the future.
And she is TOXIC when it comes to trying to undermine you.
And further she is wrong.
I have met some very successful couples.
Invariably they are ON THE SAME PAGE as far as their values and attitudes.
They work together as a team, but your wife does not want that. She wants to dominate you and undermine you due to her own inadequacies.
I know very discreet quiet and respectful couples who never brag about what they have achieved. But who run rings around loud-mouth boastful couples who have achieved nothing but are always "going to do this or that".
If you can leave this marriage and put this distressing time behind you and find a partner who actually respects you then you may be able to go far in this world and achieve success.
Your wife does not see you as potentially successful. And so she belittles you and undermines you as her aim is to bleed you dry financially and then move on.
Please consult an attorney NOW.
Get the advice you need to LEAVE NOW.
All you wife will do is DESTROY you as a man
And when you have been bullied into a small shell of a man then her work will be done and she will leave you.
When does the penny drop? When are you going to show the courage to get out of this totally TOXIC relationship with a woman who neither loves you not respects you.
Where is your self respect for you?
Get some counselling and get the Attorney moving fast to sever your ties with this abusive nasty woman.
You are really hurting yourself with all this pain?
What do you achieve by submitting to humiliation? If you enjoy humiliation then you are in more trouble than I thought.
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (4 December 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn fact, is it fair to say that disgruntled spouses have a tendency to rewrite history and claim that they never loved their spouse simply because at that time they are going a bad period of time?
I am amazed that she cam say that I'm not hard working and lack ambition! It seems like my attempts at communicating have become so bad that she doesn't even remember my plans. I'm far from not being ambitious. I'm working towards saving for a home, being promoted into management, want to study my masters in environmental science next year and with a bot of luck by the end of next year I'll be gettingwork as an environmental consultant and getting on board the new green revolution (working with companies to streamline their engineering projects and comply with new legislation). I'm after a post grad degree that will incorporate GIS mapping so I have the extra option of field work like remote testing for future mine sites.
Is that a lack of ambition? I don't think so.
I have become a bit ambivalent about my wife. I have given up on her to a certain extent and looked at how I can advance my life. I no longer worry so much about her. I am focused on my career and education goals and have my eye on getting a home and nice car. I figure if she is still around.by the end of next year or the year after, then she may get to enjoy the rewards of my hard work. That's if she also contributes and steps up to be a supportive spouse.
Otherwise I will be forced to go it alone until I meet someone else. Either way, I have enough commonsense to know how to protect myself and make sure that I improve my own lifestyle. People come and go out of our lives all the time (including those closest to us).
I have plenty of time to remarry and do my best to make sure that I don't lose everything I'm working hard to achieve!
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (4 December 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah you probably have a point. She told me a long winded story last night about her past. In college she fell in love with a man that didn't want her. She was apparently crying and getting drunk because she couldn't get the man out of her mind. But she also talked about having a short lived interest. That the men she was attracted to never liked her so she quickly forgot about them and moved on.
She then mentioned her relationship prior to me and said that the man would have everything ready. He worked as a teacher and maintained his apartment, cooked and cleaned. She loved that and says that my life is a mess compared to his because I take too long to do things, I don't cook meals for her, I take too long and don't cook nice food and don't keep the room tidy.
I think she has been damaged by living with this guy.
Then she mentioned something about not loving me. I argued that she loved me enough to marry me. She then said that she married me not out of her love for me but because I loves her so much...
I honestly don't know what to say or do anymore. To the anonymous poster, I am far from being a weak man. I know what builds attraction. Some women need a man that is bulked up and treats them rough. I don't do that. Instead I'm quiet and sensible. Mature and easy going. I thought that is what makes a good husband and potential father. Why should I have to change myself into some exciting and captivating person?
Maybe I have to? I have no idea about that because I lack any dating experience beyond this woman.
Man up in what way? I don't run after her for starters. As for her nasty talk, I don't tolerate it. But perhaps I need to be more agressive and yell at her? I usually make it clear by just ignoring her bs.
So when she says things like not loving me, I laugh it off and state that she has been saying the same sort of things so many times over the past 4 years that I have become immune to it and that she is still with me so it can't be that bad for her or she would have left long ago.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): Pleast don't take this to the heart, not being mean or rude, sounds like you are the problem, your wife knows you are a little ^u$$y cat and this is why she is the head of the household leading you around on a string.
By reading your posts, if you were my husband I could have you drinking from the palm of my hand, I could treat you a lot worst than your wife is treating you, I could have you doing anything and everything I want you to do because you are a very weak man, so my advice to you is to man up and be a real man. Maybe your wife is sick and tired of a weak ^$$ man so man up or get the f out.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 December 2012):
She sounds so convincingly TOXIC that the only option appears to be that you tell her to go back to her ex.
That you will move on and move forward without her.
This is an unhealthy relationship.
Without her putting you down I suspect that you could go on to greater things. You are clearly persistent.
Why put up with her rants?
She IS a problem.
She WILL drag you down/
Surely you can see that you deserve better than her twisted idea of how to build a relationship?
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (3 December 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso in reference to the arguments, I have a tendency to be the quiet one. I try not to shout. Quite often I find my wife so angry that she is ready to physically lash out. Yesterday in the car, she worked herself up because I didn't know the name of the area we were driving through. I asked her to check the map. She started getting nasty and said directly to me that I would never he successful because I speak so quiet and take too long to answer. The way she said it was like I was a piece of garbage and.at that time I could see the rage in her eyes. She was breathing heavily like a raging lunatic!! I thought she would pass out from hyperventilation...In her words, I am the only one that frustrates the hell out of her. No one else has ever done that to her... which makes me ask if we really should be together if I can do that to her.I know that I used to upset my mother on and off if I was talking too quietly. The truth is that sometimes I don't project my voice that loud and I keep a check on it at times. Dad was always on my back about it.I guess the most important thing is that I'm trying the best I can. This morning on my way to work I dropped her to her workplace and on the way I mentioned something about her personality being so strong. She mentioned that there are three classes of sun stars and her's and her ex's are in the top category, mine is in the bottom...But that is just another example of the past 4 years where she has systematically put me down. Or I'm reading too much into what she said. Either way I didn't appreciate her saying that my sun star/personality is at the bottom of the success ladder!!
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (3 December 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for your reply! What's interesting is that we don't spend that much time arguing when we really talk. But my wife makes it clear that she is the sort of person who loves money and power. Last night she was really upset and clearly told me that it is hard for her to work so much and save. She gets up at 6am and works for 8 hours a day in a factory to save money. I have a casual job with varying hours but have been promised a promotion into management which will provide stable funds and a full time job. I start that in less than a week's time.She is also doing training two days per week in a real estate company. This company is huge here. She sees a lot of rich people and she wants to be like them. She wants to buy a home and have investment properties to build our wealth. But we are still at the bottom. This is something she really hates.She hates that we have a second hand car and believes that we get abused on the road because of that. She thinks that if we drove an expensive car and had a lot of money, then people would respect us more. She also keeps saying that out if her married girlfriends, she is the only woman who has to work. The rest of the Chinese wives can stay home and look after kids etc because their husbands earn enough for them to maintain this lifestyle. What do you make of all this?Perhaps I'm not in a position to marry or perhaps I should have been more careful to check her values. Because it seems I need a partner that is also working with me to get ahead. Most of my Western friends are all in the same boat. Double income households just to get anywhere because life is expensive here in Australia these days!!
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (3 December 2012):
Hello again. Turning hot and cold towards you, could even be the way you communicate with each other.
When you sit down together and talk, do you really listen to her and what she has to say?
And does she really listen to your every word, of what you have to say?
Communication is ALL important in every relationship.
And in fact, without good clear communication, there could be many unresolved issues between you.
I say this about communication, because perhaps it has got to a point where you very seldom talk, and more often shout and argue with each other, on an almost constant basis.
Because if this is what happens in your household, well then undoubtedly you both say things in the heat of the moment, which you later regret. And then it's too late, you can't take it back again.
So then you both stew over and over, what was said - until the next time.
And unfortunately, this can become a way of life, if you cannot get the other person to understand clearly, what you are trying to say.
In other words, they are unable to see where you are coming from, and so then in frustration, you become hot under the collar, and as a consequence of that, you raise your voice, and when she still won't get your point of view, then you become REALLY angry, and begin to shout at her.
And the same happens when she tries to get a point across to you, and you don't get where she's coming from.
It's like speaking two entirely different languages sometimes, when this happens.
So if this is a snapshot of your situation, well then you might need to ask more questions, just to clarify the situation a lot more.
Asking questions is absolutely necessary sometimes, and it's the only way we ever learn.
And especially, if the other person says something, and we don't quite understand what they meant by it.
And then asking them - "When you said ......., what did you mean? I don't quite understand."
We live such busy lives these days, that quite often we can't be bothered asking for clarification, and instead, we make an assumption.
So then what happens, is we draw our own conclusion, and take it the wrong way. So then we take offence at what we believe they meant.
So then the other person has no idea what's going on in our mind, when that's NOT what they meant at all!
So that's when the conflict begins - and all hell breaks loose!
And the silly part is, it is all so completely avoidable, it really is.
There are so many misunderstandings in relationsionships, when all that is needed is one simple question asked, just to clarify, and then the conflict is completely defused, right there and then.
Often people would just rather make an assumption, than ask a question. Perhaps feeling foolish by asking.
It's NOT foolish to ask. It's really wise, and it could well clear up all misunderstandings straight away.
So from now on, why not ask her what she meant, whenever you are NOT sure?
And if you choose to try this - and I suggest you do - you will not need a counsellor, because you will be your own counsellor, as you will be very clear - through asking the right questions - and will get the right message in the first place.
Don't EVER be afraid to ask a question, because it solves many many problems, I promise you.
Please try it.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 December 2012):
my view has always been that if you love and adore a person then you would happily live in a tent with them on the edge of the river, and still be happy, since they are with you,
But...
If a person is NOT in love with you then 16 bedrooms , 21 bathrooms, and demands to purchase more real estate will STILL never be enough to make them love you.
Because they don't love you they are left with the wish to EXPLOIT you.
Cut your losses and find a partner who loves you for yourself.
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male
reader, soul83 +, writes (3 December 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindy you are right and I am seeking counselling for myself. I kept putting up with my wife for a number of reasons. First is for the sake of the marriage. Then there was a fear of not being able to find someone else. Still loving my wife despite the horrible things she says and does.
For months I struggled to figure out if I could deal with everything and try and sort it all out for myself. I came on here bothering everyone and trying to ask myself if I was crazy or not to try and work things out.
We have had plenty of good days but always fight over the most trivial of things and it is really immature. These days I look at it and think to myself - we are nothing more than a pair of low class losers constantly fighting and saying stupid things. Like a low educated couple!
That was hardly how I used to be. I was university educated and brought up in a good family. I have struggled with employment and getting ahead though. I compare myself all the time with other classmates and friends that are getting engaged and it hurts to see what looks like happy, normal couples getting ahead in life.
Meanwhile, here I am writing on this site and living in a share house. One more week before my promotion into management comes through. Next year I hope to start my masters and upgrade my qualifications.
Most aspects of my own life are falling into place. That's the most enjoyable thing for me.
I can see my wife trying hard to love me. But she is also extremely upset about our circumstances. I think I mentioned that previously. Her parents want her to buy them a house because they are poor...
Basically, I am wishing to be more successful in my working life. That's something I'm trying to do piece by piece.
In the meantime, my personal life suffers. I have a partner that turns nasty at the drop of a hat. Hurts me and turns narcissitic. Then tries to apologise later on. That apology is followed up by an equally hurtful remark such as asking to be left alone (and this afternoon my response was 'ok I'll leave you alone for the rest of the night'...that was taken literally and she said she wouldn't stay home tonight and there are lots of men out there waiting for her')...
So unstable. I will tell everyone some good news and that is we are going to see a doctor soon and we will be able to line up some counselling. The decision to stick by her is of course mine alone. I promised myself that I will be mature about this from now on.
I think it is also mature to decide when enough is enough and to move on too.
In any case, I don't know a single woman alive that would marry and be happy to spend that first year of marriage stuck in poverty and living in shared accommodation. I was foolish to expect it to be easy for us to start over. I think if it wasn't for the marriage, she would have left long ago.
So there it is. I admit to my faults as well.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): Even if she blows up in rage it is worthwhile for you to get a divorce. This is not about commitment, because wives and husbands are supposed to honor each other, and she is not fulfilling her responsibility.Please don't treat yourself this way, have faith and you will find someone better. You are still young. I'm Taiwanese, and I visited Shanghai before. Unfortunately, the competitiveness, industrialization and above all, the aftermath of the cultural revolution in China has lowered the standard of morality. (of course, this is also a generalization) If you want to know more well-mannered people, you are welcome to visit Taiwan.Sorry, I digressed. My advice is that you leave this marriage, and go on a short vacation. I would never do this if I were married, and I believe most wouldn't. It's beyond my imagination. You deserve better, stop hesitating and bring yourself happiness. Good luck!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 December 2012):
 I agree with anon male poster - what, frankly, bothers me in your post(s) is not that you don't follow our advice - we give advice, then what you do with it is no skin off our noses. And it's not even that you are always bringing up the same scenario from different angles,the OPs have all the right to repeat questions and get further opinions , and/or to write just to take things off their chest , if they wish.
What bothers me is that you are in bad faith. Every time you bring up a new drama, - omitting though relevant infos on the background of the question which would help new posters to have a clearer, more objective picture.
Last time, the big drama was that your wife refused to work and stayed at home all day twirling her thumbs, and you were unhappy and worried about being forced to be the sole bread winner. Now, she IS working, even working too much in your opinion, and the drama is still going on.
It sounds to me like you aren't minimally interested in solving your problems and making any changes, you just write to get sympathy and to defile your wife's character.
I don't know her , and she may also be the monster you describe, but what's the point of having her censored by proxy ? if she is really a monster, how come that does not give you the push to man up and grow a pair ? If you don't have the guts to kick her out, - I think you could at least put together the guts to confront her, to tell HER what you can accept or not in her behaviour,... rather than telling US to get sympathy and oh poor dear.
It must be because you love the drama, in fact you thrive on it, - not only you are not fed up with turmoil and ups and down, but they actually give you a big rush of adrenaline and the sensation of having an interesting life.
Either that,.... or pardon me, but... while your wife may have a personality disorder, you don't show signs of being so perfectly well balanced yourself- thet would explain your so called plain B, that's hardly conceivable by the mind of a sensible, responsible ADULT. I warmly encourage you to seek counseling, for yourself and your own wellbeing, regardless of your marital situation.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (1 December 2012):
She demonstrating all the signs that she really is not committed to you at all. You married her, so you provided her with one thing she wanted. Citizenship.
How the next stage. She IS looking for a richer husband.
Without doubt she does not love you. She has and is using you. As soon as she finds a richer guy who us gullible enough she will serve you with divorce papers.
Sure she needs counselling. Lots of it. Though I doubt that she will like you anymore after she gets the counselling she needs. She is selfish and self centered to the max. She lies to you. She cheats and her integrity is zilch.
Consult a Divorce attorney now. protect yourself. She will have no qualms about taking you to the cleaners when she divorces you.
A woman in love in the first year of marriage only has eyes for her man. She only wants to spend time with her husband. She does not behave like your wife.
Finish this misery and get out of this marriage before she ruins your life completely.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2012): I say forget about your selfish @&& wife, personality disorder and all. You do not have to take what your wife is dishing out to you. I say go for the nice Portuguese girl. You only have a few years with this chick so if you're having problems with this chick now just think what it would be like when children are involved or when you buy a house.
I do not believe in staying in a sour relationship trying to figure out what's the heck is going on, you can see what's going on, she love you on her time, she's involved with other guy doesn't sound like a personality disorder to me, sound like to me she knows what she doing, taking money from the household to send her parents on a trip, if her parents are that poor they shouldn't be taking a trip because if I was that poor I would take the trip money to pay some bills and buy some food. Don't get me wrong, it's good that children help their parent when they are in need but I don't see her parents in need because if they were that bad off how can the afford a motor bike and feed a dog.
I say pack your bags when she's at work and get the heck out of there. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain at your age, you do not need the bull crap.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2012): "I'm starting to wish I was single again. Should I attempt counselling to try and heal?"
Don't bother. You're not going to listen to a counsellor any more than you've wanted to listen to Dear Cupid aunts and uncles who've been telling you to dump that shrew for months. And she's not going to agree go to a counsellor any more than you're going to agree to grow a set of balls.
"My mother is convinced I am being used for a visa. My father is convinced that I'm not being used but that she has a personality defect and I will have to put up with her crap for the rest of my life."
They're both right, but you won't listen to them. You don't "have to put up with her crap" but you will until three days after Eternity and Infinity end.
"I want her to attend counselling. Maybe begin on the road to healing."
As stated above, she won't attend counselling any more than you'll grow a pair.
"You might say that is a cowardly thing to do but it is the very last thing I will do if we have to separate (because I know she will blow up in rage if I talk of leaving and uprooting her life here)."
Which is why you'll stay with her. You are a coward and she has used her volcanic temper to thoroughly whip and emasculate you.
"I have to look after myself too. I have been through enough. I need a plan B :-("
Plans A, B, C through Plan ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ are to dump her, but you won't.
"Think that counselling can fix this?"
No, but that's not what you want to hear. You need counselling to fix YOU.
"Actually, I won't take either way of life into next year."
Yes, you will.
"Quite frankly I am sick to death of all this bs."
No you're not, you live for it.
"I am so over all the drama."
No you're not, you live for it.
"Counselling or I'm done."
No you won't be. Cut the BS and drama. You'll find another convenient excuse or reason or rationalization or justification not to leave your wife, and in days or weeks or months you'll post another long-winded sob story and all the regular aunts and uncles will respond with "God God! Why are you still married to this lunatic female canine?" just like they have before and will now.
Same song, different verse. You consistently ignore sound advice. I have absolutely zero sympathy fot you and I assume regular aunts will be similarly unsympathetic and exasperated, if not disgusted.
Until next time.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (1 December 2012):
Hi there. Yes, it does seem that your wife is suffering with some sort of personality disorder, for sure.
And it probably stems from her abusive childhood, no doubt.
So it's probably the consequences of her childhood that needs to be dealt with in detail.
It would be wise to suggest to her that you both seek counselling together.
And if she just straight out refuses, well then you can't force her to go there, you will have to accept it and move on.
Then you take your own action from that point onwards, as you have stated here.
And there is a distinct possibility that she could refuse to have counselling, by denying there is a problem, and trying to turn it back on you.
Don't let her do that to you - you deserve much better than that.
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