A
male
age
41-50,
*oul83
writes:Hey guys its been a while since I last posted.I thought everything would come along well with my wife and I but I'm sadly mistaken. She has really turned against me.It all started just after she left for her 9 week holiday. She started saying that our financial situation was unbearable and she couldn't stand where we were living. We were supposed to work from the ground up.Well, she started to get a bit dismissive and I became wounded and started threatening her that she would lose me if ahe kept talking nasty and that I didn't want that to happen. To listen to me and stop saying that everything I talk about is shit. I was really getting hurt. Well, I snapped one night and spent the whole night messaging her and saying how I coukdnt stand it, it was driving me crazy and how I needed a bit of positive attention from her because I missed her.Well, she took all of this on apparently but refused to acknowledge it.She snapped after the re ent messages in which I stated that I nearly cancelled her visa. She was at het grandfathers house and screamed ay everyone to get out and had a huge fight with her parents. Apparently the parents have a huge problem with me now. That's a huge deal in Chinese culture.She messaged me: f you, I don't care if you cancel my visa, I only spoke to you because of mum's things, her address, don't forget I will not forget our fight for all of our life, will not forget how you threatened me, you are sh**, loser, I really do not love u anymore, I hate all of your family and friends, useless, and I love money, I am making use of you since we met, go ahead cancel my visa, no matter you cancel or not, I will not forget this, I didn't ignore your messages last time I just didn't think you were worth replying to, I don't want to fight with you anymore because I do not care what you think, do not forget to tell your new friend that I'm making use of you and do not bother to ask for advice, you can cancel my visa at anytime as I don't care, do not forget to send my things back and f**** some woman while I am away, I do not care what you do, you are sh**, your family are s***, you are poor, you are s***, I am going to f some other man while I'm visiting my friends next week, f you, f your family, your family eyes are s*** that's why they think our Chinese are s***, f you, you are really stupid, really in my heart.What can I say? I called her after a couple of hours and she said ahe was extremely p off, had that fight, was going to dinner with her parents and taking the train to her friend's city. Also said she wouldn't do anything bad behind me (which I now don't believe).I don't know what to say? My marriage is over after just 8 months...When she comes back in 2 weeks, I'm going to be afraid to touch her in case she has an STD and also out of so much hurt.I'm staring at the dissolution of my marriage...
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female
reader, Candid Cally  +, writes (30 August 2012):
Your name is Matthew, right?
Matthew, i've just read back through quite a few of your prior questions from the last 2-3 months. This is what is going on:
You chose to marry a woman that you are not compatible with. She has a strong personality and wants a strong dominant person to provide for her. She told you this before you were married. You promised her you would find a good job so you could provide for her. Instead, you have had a series of jobs, and were on welfare (which upset her because she is too proud of her work ethic to ever accept government welfare. Having a provider and accepting government welfare are two different things. She is ashamed (i'm assuming this is due to her family or culture).
She has told you she wants you to stop dwelling on the past. She wants you to make an effort at being stable emotionally. She has expressed that she wants you to grow and become a more productive person.
Because you are depressed, because you have social anxiety, because you missed out on some key stages of social development when you were much younger...you...are...lost...
You need to stop harassing your wife and trying to get her attention by being mean to her. Threatening to take away her visa because she won't give you emotional support that she is too angry and upset to give you right now, is childish behavior. Adults don't act like this when they are in a genuine loving relationship.
When you were apart, the way you decided to proceed with skype and other forms of LDR contact, the 'terms' of your relationship, how you 'chose' to marry her, and she bartered (by telling you that you needed to get a good job, provide for her, and be less needy emotionally)...this is not love...this is a business transaction.
Because you omit or downplay any information in your questions that would put any bit of the blame on you...i don't know how to help you...i've been you...
I know you need a counselor. Please, use your health insurance. This is going to seem like a jump, but you need to focus on learning how to make connections with other people so you can form mature, age-appropriate relationships. Once you learn how to do this, you will find a decent job and be hired on permanently.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 August 2012):
 You thought everything would be fine with your marriage? You have had major difficulties and this tone of hers and the vitriol and nastiness are not new in your marriage.
It's very sad and awful but it is time to contemplate life going forward following divorce.
Do your best to not contribute to the immature toxicity she exemplifies and get out of the marriage as best you can.
It's very disruptive but I'd consider sending her family copies of your messages just to ensure they know the extent of the arguments and her threats. Check with a solicitor before you do this; however I think it'll be money well spent as you need some protection from yourself and her and her family.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (30 August 2012):
 She comes back in 2 weeks. You need to calm down right now. The fight you had was awful, but since then has she said she wants a divorce? She said she won't be doing anything with men behind your back so I take that to mean she calmed down a little and she said that just to upset you. Don't hire a PI... Your relationship is already on the brink, don't shove it over the edge. If you think she is capable of doing such a thing as cheating on you then you shouldn't be sooo upset, you should want her gone! Since you very clearly love her to pieces and don't want a divorce then wait until she gets home, until then speak to her calmly and don't fight. When she gets back you need to both see a counselor or marriage therapist. Try to work out everything you are fighting about. If she is adamant about a divorce then you have nothing you can do but do it. But right now stop throwing a fit and crying so much, she hasn't straight out said you are getting a divorce and she hasn't cheated, you have nothing to be so very upset about. When she gets back deal with the cheating fears through a counselor. Get upset about a divorce when it actually happens. I'm not saying she is a good person or even that it is a good relationship... But you both have serious faults and can attempt to go to counseling for help if you haven't given up on each other.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): Let's see, you are having problems, so you say "I almost cancelled your visa".In doing this you are really saying "I almost ended your marriage". Moreover, you are using the threat of deportation as a weapon against her.Any spirited women would react to either of those. Her saying "stuff your visa" is her staking her claim for her independence, saying "your weapon won't work on me". Her reaction might well be over the top, language wise. But not by much, considering how much you have stuffed her life about.Hire a PI. They will find nothing. But you know that, else you would have already done it. What you are really seeking is the threat of hiring a PI, as one more thing you can use as a weapon to control her.You are already planning to use her intemperate statement about sleeping with someone else as your next weapon against her. "I'm going to be afraid to touch her in case she has an STD."Your words are not those of someone trying to sort out a mess. They are the words of someone seeking to control, dressed in a shower of tears.Yes, you are looking at the end of your marriage. She should get as far away from you as possible, as quickly as she can.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (29 August 2012):
 I'm sorry to hear this. It must be incredibly painful for you. Don't do anything rash or stupid. Hold your head high and act with dignity. I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (29 August 2012):
 In all honesty you should cancel her visa and your marriage. Get out of this toxic situation. You two are not good for one another.
I'm sorry, that's very blunt but your post is quite shocking.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 August 2012):
 I agree with Cally on this one.
You have written proof that she married you for deceptive purposes. You have her proof that she married you for money. You have proof that she was simply using you, and that she was using you from the moment you both met.
Unfortunately, and I'm sorry this is hurting you, but you now know the source of your feelings. She has revealed to you that she has never loved you. I know some people might say that she was saying things she didn't mean in an attempt to hurt you, but I don't think so. I think the argument revealed the truth.
You deserve someone who loves you and isn't using you. You deserve to have someone who isn't discontent with you simply because of how much money you make or don't make. You need someone who rolls up her sleeves and works as a team with you in the lean times and in the prosperous times. You need a life partner, not a user.
You're in for some rough times. Talk to a lawyer about an annulment if not a divorce. But if this is any comfort, you didn't cause this. You aren't the reason this is happening. She deceived you. You were a mark in the end.
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (29 August 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel like hiring a PI to investigate. Just trying to see if she is emotionally abusing me.I am hurting so much now. Where is my wife? Where is the woman I married? How could she say these things to me?I can't stop crying
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (29 August 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI will also quickly add that my parents suspect that her parents and family pushed her into marrying me.I disagree because we went through the process of our own accord. We agreed on everything and the timing. The whole lot.I am the type to stress to the extreme. So you have no idea on how broken I am right now as I face the fact that she has said what she has and cut me off so rudely. What happened to love?
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (29 August 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI loved this woman with every part of my soul. We had only just gotten married. I feel sick right now.
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (29 August 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPlease I need help because I can't sleep. The cruelty of her comments has gutted me.She is my first and I really asked her repeatedly to step back and try to be nice to me. I was hurting and wanted some of her attention.Right now I'm a mess. I'm supposed to work in a few hours and it is nearly 5am. I'm starting to shake and I have fallen apart. I am really really hurting so badly from this. I don't know what to believe given what she said about the adultery.Oh my god! Even blocked me on her list. I logged in from my computer and added myself again. But I plan to not say anything.She has really ripped my heart out. I'm truly a HUGE mess.I don't care if people here want to say that I'm a man and should be tougher, because I have a very soft heart. I just wanted nothing but the best and I was trying so hard for her. I have been working and trying to get somewhere.It all started because I mentioned something about cancelling the visa and had that meltdown where I sent all those crazy messages.The most hurtful thing is to hear her say she is going to hurt me more by committing adultery. When I called her she claimed to be really angry and that she wasn't going to do anything behind me.But just her abuse in the message above has nearly killed me. My heart has been ripped out. I need help. I can't function properly.
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A
male
reader, Agz +, writes (29 August 2012):
If she said al of that.. i dont know how one could stay with such a wife. There are beautiful women out there. Dont settle for such a harmful relationships.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (29 August 2012):
I'm sorry for the stress you are under. It seems almost like she is racist and after spending time with her family has decided to move back with them.
You need to save that nasty message she sent you as well as all correspondences between the two of you. You may be able to have the marriage annulled (like it never happened) because she flat out states she loves money, and will be committing adultery while on vacation. Please talk to a lawyer and show him your messages.
If she wants her things, she should pay to have them shipped to her. If she doesn't care about her visa, i'm sure your lawyer can take care of getting that cancelled.
I hope things get better for you in the near future. Starting divorce or annulment proceedings will help you move forward in life.
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