A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So about a year ago, my boyfriend of 3 years and I got into a right about a female friend he's had for about two more years than he's known me (we've known each other for 7years). It might also be a good idea to add that we also dated for two years while in high school which I don't add on to the the 3 years we have recently made. Anyways, this young lady whom I never met but always heard about has always been pretty close to my bf. I never had any issue with her. However deep down I felt like something about their friendship wasn't right. I never said anything because I knew part of me was just a bit jealous and their friendship was not harming our relationship.Nevertheless, this woman was (or may still be) in love with my bf. I found out bc he told me. I am not one to bash women and nor am I anyone to control someone's feelings. He would tell me that she would say things along the lines of "I know you're happy with someone else but I can't help how I feel about you". There were even times when she would suggest they should stop talking bc her feelings for him were too big and she was going to end more hurt than anything. To be honest my heart went out to her because hey we're all humans and can't help how we feel. I also empathized with her bc I I could imagine how hurt she actually felt. My bf would ignore her confessions, as he apparently was used to her voicing how she felt about him. I never thought that was the best way to handle it bc boundaries were way too blurred in my opinion. Two years into our relationship, he was in my house and he showed me her messages which said, "this is so hard for me, because of the way I feel for you"...then she began calling him within minutes after the text msgs, when he wouldn't answer she text him "hey call me or come by my house so we am talk" then she began to text him and asking why he wouldn't answer her call. To say the least I was fuming!!! The first three times throughout the years in which she felt it was necessary to remind him how difficult it was to have these immense emotions for him, I was a bit understanding. Annoyed but understanding. Now, I was jus getting right down upset and began to wonder what her intentions really were. I know my bf confided in her about our problems which bothered me. I don't like anyone to know my relationship problems but now I wondered if she was being a real friend to him or wanted to somehow sabotage our relationship (I could never even imagine being capable of doing this). Finally, I told him she had to go. I told him I felt she was being completely disrespectful and he was a complete idiot for not putting her in her place and possibly even entertaining the attention he was getting from her. I was pissed at both of them. I was grateful that he trusted me enough to tell me when she went on what he called her "moods". I'm sure he didn't tell me every time she professed her love to him but the handful amount of times he did tell me were more than enough. I can be understanding and I can even try to see ur point of view but why do u need to continue telling him that u love him and play the self-pity card...werent the first 5 times enough. I didn't give him an ultimatum just told him she had to go. At first he was resistant nd felt like I was overreacting but within a few days their friendship ceased. It has been a year and although we've had our ups and downs, this woman is no longer an issue. We talked about the situation maybe once and he said that he in fact did value that friendship for what he felt was a friendship and that it did hurt him having to end it. But he did feel it was better to do so for the sake of the relationship. I guess my question is, did I make the right choice by telling him what to do? At times I feel like people need to be aware of what factors may negatively affect their romantic relationship. I know if I had a male friend who spoke to me in the way she did to my bf, it would be a completely different story and would be a lot more justified in the contexts of what society deems to be acceptable. And it wasn't only the confessions that bothered me, she also used nicknames with him, and wouldn't get him one ur two birthday cards, and wanted oh so badly to celebrate his birthday at her house (that I said No!). And even after he told her they could no longer be friends, a week later she went to his house conveniently on his day off to drop off a gift for his nephew -__-.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your responses... Maverick494 I do agree that he was foolish for not doing anything about the situation. Essentially, it was the one thing that made me so upset. And you are right, he wasn't a real friend.
Stayc63088 thank you. I guess that looking back at the relationship I do feel at fault but you're right.
Honeypie, I don't believe in telling him who he could talk to either, feel like I'm being too controlling. Although, I don't believe he would've dealt with the situation or put any limits, I do understand what you mean. I felt disrespected by both of them, I couldn't allow that to continue.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 August 2012):
 Personally, I don't believe in telling my partner who he can talk to and whom he can be friends with.
BUT with her having all these feelings towards him, I think it makes what they have less of a friendship and more of a "drama waiting to happen" scenario. It's not healthy for her (or him) to pretend they are friends when that is not what's really going on.
However... I think you ought to have enough trust in your partner to feel he can put up limits and figure things out for himself, when it comes to a friend like that.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (29 August 2012):
 I agree, you were not in the wrong at all. She was still very much in love with him and he loved the ego boost and attention he got from her. Otherwise he would've said their relationship is only hurting her further and giving her false hope. A true friend wouldn't lead a girl on. That's why she kept telling him over and over about her feelings, she was obviously getting some glimmer of hope and he wasn't firm enough that it won't ever happen. He didn't want to lose it. But it's gone now and that's good news for you and for her, she can finally move on and realize it would never happen with your bf. When he says he misses her don't feel down or like its your fault, tell him it was the best move for everyone involved. That's the truth.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (29 August 2012):
You did the right thing. The girl said it herself: she was in love with him and knew she would never have him, which made the friendship painful because it wasn't a friendship from her side, it was unrequited love. I think she needed that push to be told off, but your bf was too much of a coward to do so. I'm happy you've been so rational about this. You made the right call.
The problem is your bf's inability to assess a situation for what it is and do something. He did nothing. He may even have liked the attention to stroke his ego. In short, he was not a good friend to her. He did not value the friendship, he valued the attention. He let her stay in her fantasies, didn't tell her otherwise. That's the reason she keeps trying to claw him back into her life; because he hasn't told her off. She sees a smidgen of hope through those pink glasses. He needs to be firm; real friends would be.
Try to talk to him about this so he doesn't make the same mistake again.
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