A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all. Please help. I.ve been seeing my bf for around two and a half years. I used to chase him like mad,and initiate contact. He is a controlling person,and got used to me doing that,and took advantage. I totally changed my pattern around two months ago. I kept my distance, I started going out with freinds,and was not at his beck and call all the time. I expected him to settle down a bit,and be more fair. Instead,he has become increasingly erratic,is rude to me,witholding,and even his self care has gone bad. He looks tired,a bit shabby,and is irritable and snappy with me. I am not doing anything wrong. All i.ve started doing is standing up for myself,but he.s getting worse and worse. Has anyone else experienced this? How do I handle it? I.ve tried to speak to him,but he won.t listen. Thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2013): If possible, have someone with you when you do tell him as you've heard he actually injured someone through his anger the last time that happened. Don't take any risks, it sounds like he cannot cope with not being in control of you and seeing that you have a life without him. That is unhealthy, but only he can change that.
You deserve a happy, healthy relationship and it doesn't seem you can get that from him. When you leave, ensure no contact to prevent him for trying to "win" you back - or it could go the other way and he'll just berate you for leaving him and wear you down. I would block any means of contact.
Well done for seeing you need to leave someone who treats you this way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear RCN and Caring guy.I agree. I need to end this relationship,and as for him getting vile when I do,that.s exactly what I'm concerned about. He's been getting worse and worse,and treating me like nothing now. I have no choice but to end it. There was an 'episode' when his ex ended it with him he told me about. He was living with her,and things were bad. Her friends were there when he got in one evening. They were telling her to leave him. He picked up a piece of furniture,and threw it. It hit one of the women in the head. The police were called. He ended up in a cell for the night. He has never hit me,but is losing it. Rather than try and fix things,and be a bit nicer,he.s getting nastier by the day. E.g. Hanging up on me, asking where, I've been, verbally abused me in front of his freind,being unreliable, infact, I've started wondering if he hates me,as he has a hateful look at me these days. I.ve become independent, that.s all,and this is what happens. So,controlling people have a habit of getting vile when you leave. That's food for thought. I will tell friends and family .
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 December 2013):
Exactly as the post below says. End it. Someone who is this controlling and treats you this way will never, ever change into who you want them to be, no matter how much you stand up to them. You shouldn't even have to stand up to someone who's supposed to love and respect you. This guy does neither, and it would be better for you to just end it. Also, if you do decide to dump him, make sure a trusted friend/family member knows and can be on hand to just help you, as controlling people have a habit of going for broke and becoming utterly vile when someone ends it with them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Rcn. Thank you for your answer. You are right. I do need to end it,and know I deserve better. It.s getting worse and worse. I had better pluck up the courage and do it. X
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (28 December 2013):
 You need to end it. You can't make him change, but your changes show that you know you deserve a better, healthier relationship. Sometimes you just need to cut someone loose and move on. You don't need someone who is controlling, but you can't change him from being that way either. I hope this helps, take care.
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