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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hey everyone, I kind of have a question and would like to see what other people think about this or if anyone can give me some advice especially from someone who has been in a long distance relationship.Me and my boyfriend met online have been together for a while now. So we are in a long distance relationship and live in different states (we live about 12 hours away from each other) I am 20 and he is 23 and we both work. He lives with his parents and I live with my mother.We have met and everything, he has come here to visit and I went to visit him and his family for the holidays. We're in no hurry to move in with each other at this moment but we have both talked about it and we would eventually like to in the future and break the distance. I hope this doesn't sound stupid but my question is, in long distance relationships, how do you work out the living arrangements? how do you decide who moves where?Obviously that person is going to give up a lot to move and that would be hard for either one of us. I like where he lives but I don't know anyone there except him and his family. Like I said we're in no hurry to do anything soon but I would like to know for the future. I just want to make sure we make the right decisions.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (28 December 2013):
 you say there is no rush but there is. with you two being 12 hours apart that means minimal physical contact and that's NOT good.
Part of the goal of LDR is to NOT be LDR...since you are both working (no school) I suggest that SOONER rather than later is critical.
Now how to decide.... well you are both young and both still living with parents and I assume neither of you is currently in your chosen profession for life yet. This is awesome as it gives you guys GREAT flexibility.
You two can decide to go wherever you both want.
My husband and I were LDR when we first met. I had a long term good job that I was NOT giving up. He was working for a company making less money than I with fewer benefits and less tenure... I owned a house and he had a rental apartment. For us it was a no brainer. He moved here and he telecommuted for a bit till he lost his job (we expected that and were prepared for it)
we have friends who are LDR and were LDR for two years, they married and now are still LDR for another 3 years. He comes to visit her three out of 4 weekends (on the train) and when he retires in three years he will move to her home as he does not own property where he currently lives.
for both of these couples it was not even discussed... it was just known... property and job security trump a lot of things. Also we are OLDER couples... in fact my children are older than you.
So what you guys have to do is sit down and talk about what you want to be when you grow up and where you want to do it.
NOTE however, living with someone day to day vs always being LDR is VERY different. visits to each others homes where you live with parents is not a true test of if you can build a life together...
best behavior occurs in LDRs when you only see each other a couple of times a year.... day to day living gets stressful.... laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning, working... after the first bloom of "we are together isn't this great" life has to settle and you may find yourself seeing cracks in the perfection.
do not plan a marriage till you are sure that day to day life will work. You are going to have to take a leap of faith and try it. DO NOT stick it out if you realize it's not working.....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2013): Hi, you should research both areas and possibly even places in between.For most young people when they move out of home the main consideration is finances. Ideally the person with the better job should try to retain that. "Better" usually means who earns the most money but you should also consider factors such as job security, opportunities for promotion, included benefits like subsidised accomodation or health benefits etc. Also consider the job opportunities for the person who has to relocate ..... an Iowa farmer may not find many job opportunities in his field (pardon the pun) if he moves to NYC.You should consider accomodation. It may be cheaper to rent or buy in one state rather than another. If one of you has the offer from a relative (for example) to live in a property for a much lower rent than usual you should consider that if the job issue isn't relevant.If you plan on starting a family pretty soon after getting together then you may also want to factor the local resources for health care, child care and education too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2013): I'll be honest and say I've never experienced a long distance relationship but it seems like an amazing opportunity for both of you to move somewhere new. I would be wanting to suggest looking at places you've both wanted to live in so that in a way it's fairer, as you're both leaving.
But I must add, living with someone is a WHOLE different experience to staying with someone. You get to know the person inside out, and for some people it tests their relationship and they realise that they are actually incompatible.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (28 December 2013):
 Research both areas and decide what area will best benefit the two of you.
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